The REAL Reason Why Narcissists Are So Attracted To INFJs

[@jolesliewhitten6545]

I married two narcissists and spent 39 years being abused-I think I was attracted by their “victim” looks.

[@princesinha1680]

Interesting fact: after realizing I was the scapegoat in my family, & being abused by narcs, I joined a narcissistic abuse recovery group, only to discover that nearly everyone in the group was an INFJ or INFP (I'm an INFJ). This video is spot on.

[@INFJcircle]

That is VERY interesting. Thank you for sharing! Jay

[@TejubescDM]

I've noticed it too! So many people scapegoated in childhood are INFJ! It could be we are scapegoated bc we are INFJ- truthtellers or we become INFJ bc we are scapegoat. I think it's mix of both.

[@katec9893]

That's fascinating. It makes me wonder if we get bullied and scapegoated because we're INFs, or whether the bullying and scapegoating moulds us into becoming INFs. I know one theory from the CPTSD community is that high empathy could be the result of treading on eggshells growing up so you become very tuned into people as a survival mechanism.

[@WildflowerAnn]

I’m a 2+ decade ICU RN w/a minor in Psychology. I too came from an abusive mother and finally figured out she was/is a narcissist. She had 4 children: my sister and I scapegoats; other sister and brother the Golden children. I started wondering how many INFJs come from abuse, because the 8 I personally know (including me) all have.

[@DevonExplorer]

Wow, that's amazing. For myself, I think the abuse of being the family scapegoat started because I was different. In fact some of the things often said to me was 'Why do you always have to be so different?' 'Why can't you just be like everyone else?' I do remember, even as a young child, I could often see through them and my truths were very unpalatable to them. Something else, which might seem a bit strange is that I never once felt like a child; always adult. Does that make sense to anyone else?

[@TejubescDM]

INFJ have intense childhood trauma and narcissists have it as well. Lot of narcissists felt like outcasts in their childhood. It makes you think they are similar to you.

[@divinaluz7]

Yes, and then trauma bonding happens....

[@catherineblue5607]

Very true

[@Lyrielonwind]

Different sides of a coin. Any narcissist will compare you to someone you don't like and who is completely the opposite you are; usually a narcissist. Many people say you attract what you are and that's not true, otherwise all narcissists would be attracted to one another and that doesn't happen often.

[@arnoldleeflang968]

The are but instead of being a warrior to fix evryone the took te route to how can i use evryone for my gain cos im inportend and shal have what i never got there lies the difrence

[@Lyrielonwind]

@@arnoldleeflang968 Agree 💯

[@luutzenvanderwey1627]

I think a big reason why narsisists are so attracted to us INFJs or why we allow ourselves to get tangled up with them is because we don't love ourselves enough, and because of this we allow ourselves to be taken advantage of. I think this is a natural tendency of all INFJs. We need to realize our own self worth and actually love ourself and value ourselves. I think once we do this, we can become stronger against narcissists and other users or abusers and will not allow people to take advantage of us. This channel has helped me learn to love myself and appreciate my own unique and valuable INFJ qualities, so thank you!

[@truthseeking-t7l]

Yes- well said 🙏🏼

[@INFJcircle]

Totally agree. Thank you for your input and thank you for watching, means a lot to me! Jay

[@stephenberry3379]

Amen 🙏🏼

[@Lyrielonwind]

That's right but usually it happens because we had narcissistic parents. Receiving unconditional love is vital in childhood. A narcissist parent sets you up for failure.

[@RAREFACTION808]

i have always said to myself, "i see you hurting me, but filling you fills me." it is after doing my obsessed research that i have learned to let people be. if it hurts, let it go. these videos are simple comformation of that.

[@dddenes]

My wife was abused by a narc, and she got many traits made me to think she was a narc. After months of trying to get through the barriers I faced, I broke up, and after I accepted to get back together - she started to change, and we are happy for 5 years now - narcs can change you to mirror them back - I am happy I could save a life. At least I hope so.

[@kammellioo]

10 years and 2 kids later i been discarded...BRUTALLY. Man...never felt such pain in my life. It scratched my soul and left me gasping 😢

[@INFJcircle]

So sorry to hear this. They are cold hearted and always believe they are right. Such a difficult situation, I wish you and the kids the best. Know that it can happen to any of us. Now you just have to try and put the pieces back together. Stay strong! Jay

[@Braden_NTC]

I'm pretty much in the same boat. She used me to have kids and pay off her student loans. She never would apologize for anything. Luckily we are getting along okay now, but I think it's for our kids, not me.

[@samiraraman7084]

I can feel your pain dear..I am in almost similar situation

[@双双-n5c]

😢 we will get through it together..!

[@stevensawyer5924]

Here's a real kick in the head someone might appreciate. I sought out a trauma therapist to help me try to recover from a narcissist relationship... I picked another narcissist... It took me 2yrs to finally break free of the narcissistic therapist. Now I'm in therapy to get over the therapist. Am I pathetic or what? I might have to give up my man card.😅INFJ

[@bugsstar]

The codependent tendancies of INFJs are a fit for a narcissistic relationship dynamic

[@INFJcircle]

I agree, we must be careful of this. Jay

[@lioness6853]

I grew up being abused and bullied by narcs and psychopaths, and got severely damaged by it. I came close to becoming one. You'd think they all graduated from the same school. Now I retaliate, and destroy their ego. For some reason, they start to feel a chaotic energy from me when I start to figure them out. And it overwhelms them, downright scare them. Now I understand why. I'm a Sigma- Infj.

[@Lyrielonwind]

They get nervous when they can't toy another person, so they will either attack you verbally from a short or a long distance, depending of the kind of narcissist they are and how strong they perceive you but no way you are going away without trash talking about you.

[@cspace1234nz]

,,,,you sound more like a narcissist with a giant ego.

[@trinitymarieM]

Stepping out of codependency and into super power, flipping that. -SINFJ

[@amberkeeling5682]

I’ve been around so many narcissists that I learned to mirror them as soon as I know they are one. They get confused and start to lovey dovey you.

[@ShadowSong634]

Same here Amber.

[@JK-em4ok]

They are everywhere! You can’t go live in this world and not come accross them. Protect your peace/do energy work on building a protective bubble around you, pray for them. When people show you who they are believe them. Don’t judge, everyone is on their own path. Without darkness there wouldn’t be contrast for the light. Choose light. Be nice, but not too nice. It takes lots of daily practice and we all get better at it. Especially boundaries, I’ve been working on those for 3 years, I’m doing great!!! Learn your lessons they are teaching you, break your patterns. Self care!! Oh and Do NOT brush off the red flags. Mainly I think they teach us how not to be!! It’s a spectrum, so yeah In comparison to us INFJ’s of course they stand out. We are the opposite!! If you don’t have nothing nice to say then keep your mouth shut!! Do unto others as you would have them do unto them. Simple valuable teachings that needs to get to the children!! Do inner child work on yourself!! Be Brave!! Oh and forgive them!! That’s key!! They don’t even know!! Often they learned this behavior in childhood, probably were severely abused too. So be yourself and love them, from afar!!!!! From afar!! You’re way more impactful in this way!! From afar!!! You need a lot of time and space to/with yourself infj’s so honor that!! Sending you lots of fun independent energy!! I am 38, I have a LOT of experience in this department!! I hope that helped someone!! I love you!!!

[@INFJcircle]

Love this. Great points. Thank you for sharing. Jay

[@imnoel8214]

Hello Jay, and thank you for creating this channel! As an INFJ and lifelong narcissist magnet, I can really relate to what you're saying in your videos. In the hope it will help other INFJs avoid the narcissist's cruel traps, I'll share some of my experience of the very subtle love bombing tactics of the "neglectful" narcissists. They are lazy and don't want to go to much trouble or inconvenience to hook their targets, so they seek victims who are starved for affection to feed little crumbs to like "how did I deserve someone like you?" Then they just sit back while you do the work chasing after them. Taking it slow with them may not repel them because they play a long con. They may play a victim game to get you to feel sorry for them, or virtue signal to falsely gain your trust, all with minimal effort on their part. Once they have you hooked, they start subtly expressing dissatisfaction with you, such as accusing you as being a glass half empty person and the cause of their misery. They want you to be responsible for their rotten feelings. When you jump through hoops to make them feel better and accept you, they move the goal posts and are ever more dissatisfied and contemptuous of you. While they revile you for being so miserable, they are really feeding off your pain, the more miserable you are, the more supply they get. They secretly envy you; they want to be you, yet they hate you at the same time. With education and healing, I've learned to trust my precious intuition to avoid these types.

[@INFJcircle]

Great comment! I love this information. This will definitely help others. I totally agree with all you said. They are lazy and they make their prey do all the work. But once you wake up - you can get out and end the pain. Hope others read this and it helps them to do so. Thanks for this! Jay

[@tiegangarnett7655]

I can really resonate with you here and it’s insane when you realise they do actually envy you so much 😂 it’s wild to be in love with someone who has strong narcissistic traits and the misery they thrive on. It’s interesting when you’ve came out of the relationship to see it the cycle continue with other people. I’m glad your sharing your experiences buddy!🙌🏻

[@booklovingmommy]

I really felt that one.

[@leloupduvillage]

I'm 55 and just starting to understand this game some people may play. Better late than never I guess. Still hurts though. I always think I am the one who is to blame for things going wrong. Never thought it strange that my partner wouldn't put more effort in respecting my boundaries. I do now. Thank you Jay for your channel. And thanks to fellow INFJ's for sharing your experiences.

[@imnoel8214]

It's hard not to beat ourselves up for not figuring this out sooner. I'm the same age as you, and started figuring it all out about 4 years ago. Sadly many people never do, especially if they grew up with narcissists. You didn't know what you didn't know and it wasn't your fault. Now you know, and you made it! I wish you a life of peace from here on.@@leloupduvillage

[@kan0762]

Honestly im so sensitive to other peoples feelings to the point i can almost feel it on my skin

[@RAREFACTION808]

That's cool and a little creepy bud. encore

[@cspace1234nz]

...yep, I feel stuff in my bones, as if to the very core of my being. I have various practices I've been doing daily for 30 years to stay balanced and not take on the negativity of this world

[@susanfox-mx3nv]

My mother was a narc. In demanding codependence and that I bend to her will, she prepared me for my narc husband. I knew he was selfish and difficult, but I didn't see the narcissism until a friend mentioned gaslighting. Everything lined up when I googled the term. I saw what he is and what my mother was. For 2.5 years I've been watching videos like this. They have allowed me to truly see. I am writing this because the above youtuber said it might help another. Blessing & PS: I'm sorry I don't know your name. You videos are very helpful. An INFJ

[@MD-gk2un]

Same

[@KathyGuthrie-n7y]

9:07 This has been a lifesaver for me. My husband of 43 years passed in 2020. After a year, I felt a need to begin dating. I spoke with him for several weeks before our meeting. He said all the right things and I felt a strong connection to him. Fast forward to a year and a half later……we broke up multiple times only to come together after several months….you know “we had a special connection”. I was gaslighted….verbally belittled and abused and HE just discarded me. I fully expect he will call in a few weeks….but thanks to this video…l will be ready. I know how to block his number and he wont play me again. Oh btw….he has a degree in Psychology....so he said.

[@blahaaaaaaan]

A lot of narcissists are dark empaths. As an INFJ it feels great and amazing when you think you found someone who gets you and understands you and narcissists are good at mimicking this. The one thing I found to be the true test of their character and I got burnt by a lot is their selfishness. They can say anything, but over time what selfless acts do they do that don't mutually benefit? Love and friendship require sacrifice, narcissists are all about their needs. In the end it is best to cut them off, heal, move on and remember that near misses are God's kisses and their lives are less full without you. When someone loses an INFJ they literally lost something rare in the world. However a lot of narcissists are really good at sex, so try and stay "level headed" and not in the fog of orgasms and lust when thinking and analyzing.

[@gerhardgroenewald]

I don’t think narcs has any kind of empathy, including “dark empaths “. They are empty shells and exploiters.

[@aurorarene9909]

How could a narcissist be good at sex. A selfish man is usually concerned with meeting his own sexual needs and not willing to please his partner. My ex husband was a covert narc, and I met two other narcs who were the same way in every way---selfish!!!

[@blahaaaaaaan]

@@aurorarene9909 narc women are usually pretty open with boundaries and don't say no to much sexually. But I don't anything about sex with men. So I ain't gonna argue with you and just respect and honor your reply

[@KingDomsKingdom85]

​@blahaaaaaaan personally, I think you hit the nail on the head there mate. I also attract female narcissists and have suffered at the hands of these deplorable human beings.

[@dannykicks603]

@@aurorarene9909because it’s there way to take your energy. It’s real..

[@coreygilles847]

It took me a long time to realize that I could not love enough to fix relationships in my life that were with narcissists in my life. Sadly, as it was family members it was a difficult road.

[@trinitymarieM]

Realized it's not my job to fix anyone. People aren't my own personal appliance. Let them. Elsewhere.

[@cherusake]

Okay, I normally don't comment on KZbin videos, but these have called me out so thoroughly I felt the need to. I'm a pure INFJ fitting every single trait you've described in your other videos. And ...this one hit HARD. I spent 20 years of my life with a narcissist, and as soon as you got to the part about how they started love bombing someone else, it was like a kick in the teeth. Bang on to what happened to me. And it's... it's so hard to recover. Took me 4 straight years of therapy to untangle the knots he'd tied in my head, and so, if this really is something that is common for all INFJs to go through, I just want to say... Please don't give up. It's a lot of work to recover and takes a long time, but there are people out there who can and will understand you. It's so hard and it hurts so much... but just keep going. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

[@Neptune_boi]

They just nuke you right in your blind spot don’t they?

[@carolinebrown8965]

I married one of these "creatures" when I was 25 and divorced him at 30. It was a hellish education, but now I'm thankful for it because my soul grew so much & so did my self respect. I didn't know I was an INFJ then. I went on to marry a wonderful man who passed away last year. More soul growth through pain💔. And yes, INFJ's grieve differently too.

[@TheFloridaTraveler]

This is where i'm hopeful.... Thank you

[@jsmith317]

💔 I'm sorry for your loss.

[@MsChristinaMarieFox]

Both ex husbands and boyfriend in between were ALL narcissists, specifically covert narcissist. My empathy was utilized as a tool to control me. My second husband and most recent boyfriend had ASPD qualities. Being in a relationship with these types of people seems a dream at first. Especially when you hold hope that there might be someone out in the world who would be a great partner. It feels unbelievable and overwhelmingly great to feel your hope realized that you may not have to feel alone anymore, and then reality sets in. You realized you are only a supply to meet a need. And when you wise up and you no longer meet their needs and force them to be responsible for themselves like you’ve had to be all your life…suddenly it’s a problem. Especially, when I dose them with their own medicine they’ve been giving me. I’ve learned: I’ll never find myself in someone else, don’t hold hope for another person to come into your life - hold hope to make your life better on your own, only give empathy to those who earn it - this prevents you from being used. I’m making the choice to lean into my uniqueness and not feel the need to belong or have a partner in life. I’m my best partner and I choose to no longer self-harm through relationships.

[@gerrimilner9448]

yup! infj! this is my life starting with my mother and every relationship. im staying single, while i learn better filtering mechanisms

[@INFJcircle]

I am single too. Can't say I hate it...lol. Thanks for the comment! Jay

[@anewmindsetforeveryone]

Go to psychology classes or read many psychology books where many disorders are described. A healthy relationship develops in time, that means what happens fast usually you need to put under a microscope, don’t discard your intuition.

[@stillherenow500]

I have seen so many of these people over my 67 years. You have hit the nail on the head with this video. I'm retired now, so don't spend a lot of time dealing with people I don't want to be around. A concern I have is that at my age, if I don't recognize the next narcissist, I may not be able to cope with it. It would useful to talk about how narcissists take advantage of older, lonely INFJs. We SO know that this happens.

[@norasheridan4469]

I married a narcissist when I was 28, had 3 children and lived with him for 30 years. I'd had enough, and left him 9 years ago. I have spent this time working on myself, healing childhood wounds, and learning as much as I could about NPD. This has helped so much. I am completely indifferent to him now, he no longer pushes my buttons, and I can see him for the sad, empty, childish, mean spirited creature that he is. My health suffered massively as a result of those years with him and that's my next hurdle. To be well, physically and spiritually.

[@stillherenow500]

Good work! Bless you for doing the right thing for you. What do your children say about it?@@norasheridan4469

[@TheGigaGenesis]

Being in love with a narcissist can turn you upside down and inside out, particularly as an INFJ. I can tell you about the psychological anguish of simply not being able to fathom how someone can be so cruel and yet hanging on for the exact same reason, because you think there is something you're missing, often times an INFJ introjects this into thinking there's something wrong with them, you DON'T want to go down that road, it can literally make you delusional. Listen to this beautiful man's wisdom, my experience with narcissists confirms 👍

[@Celeste-new49]

So true! I was raised by persons like this and have had both "friends" and boyfriends who have had these traits - one turned into domestic violence (for only 6 months thank goodness). I have been happily single for years now. The biggest lesson learned from all of this is to listen to your gut. Deep down you can see the "red flags" but ignore them for a chance to finally have that deep meaningful relationship you long for. I've learned that the best relationship is with yourself. Love yourself the way you want to be loved by others and you'll finally feel free.

[@INFJcircle]

Totally agree. I've been single for years too. We must learn to trust our gut and love ourselves - couldn't have said it better myself. Thanks Celeste! Jay

[@Celeste-new49]

@@INFJcircle thanks!

[@19katsandcounting]

Excellent advice! No relationship will ever be greater than one with ourselves. Many of us need to accept ourselves.

[@Celeste-new49]

@@19katsandcounting thanks!

[@KathyGuthrie-n7y]

Just reeling from being discarded. Words of wisdom Celeste! Thx

[@TracyAnne2024]

Mother was a narc then I married one for 25 years. I’m 7 years free from narcs, healing and happy ❤

[@meagiesmuse2334]

I don't think I can ever tell the details again on social media, though they would surely illustrate how awful it can get. I tried it once under a You Tube video for the personality type of the narcissist (INTJ) and was told by a couple of INTJs who read it that nobody could've done things like that and I was making it all up and needed to get help for my delusions. The most embarrassing thing is that I was trained to diagnose NPD, but was also told I would never meet one in my whole life because they are so rare and never come to therapists. There were 3 in a row before I finally asked myself why I kept attracting emotionally unavailable men, and followed the Adult Children of Alcoholics program, which taught me how to do things differently. I married a wonderful man as a result. It turned out that one reason my spouse is so kind is that he was the scapegoat son of a man with NPD, and he has other family members who have it. We seem to draw them to us like moths to a flame. Just like in this video, I threw away 12 years of my prime trying to change things and ignoring things that were so cruel that I was left speechless. If you are not able to imagine spending your entire life with this person exactly the way he is right now, leave. If you are not telling anyone what he is doing because you are ashamed to be putting up with it, leave. If you are walking on eggshells, making up excuses for his behavior, leave. People rarely change in any substantial way.

[@Neptune_boi]

I’m glad you found someone who understands where you’re coming from. If you haven’t been through it, you won’t quite understand. At some point I completely thought I was the problem but I recalled how each of them told me that they had a feeling the moment they saw me. It lead me to believe that they have an instinctual nudge that helps them target INFJs. They just know somehow. Due to our eternal student nature, we don’t mind doing the inner work that’ll clear whatever’s in us that draws them to us. Fact still remains, they hunt us and are good at instinctively identifying us to a certain degree. Again I’m glad you two found each other and didn’t get lost in the history of your narrative 🙂

[@jeannined7532]

It's a perfect storm, especially if the INFJ grew up with narcissistic parents. No boundaries and no needs allowed in these families. Unfortunately, I think this personality is often molded in dysfunctional systems and families. Ni keeps us safe by being able to read body language and emotions, reading signs beneath the surface that tell us how to keep ourselves safe, and give the narcissist what he/she needs, and Fe teaches us to walk on eggshells and do everything in our power to create harmony to keep the narcissists happy. I stayed way too long in lousy relationships and have had years of therapy to undo the brainwashing due to narcissistic abuse. Of all the types, I have noticed INFJ's tend the most to codependence, and the ruin this causes in our lives is tragic. Having introvered feeling (Fi, the function that allows a person to develop a sense of self/agency,) is in the unconscious critical parent position for INFJ. When things go wrong in a relationship, my only recourse in this family was to lash out at myself in a vicious way. It's a narcissists dream of heaven!! Get help, INFJ's Even though it feels like you are going to die, it's all about boundaries, boundaries, boundaries and discerning yourself as a free agent and taking the inner child by the hand and reparenting yourself.

[@INFJcircle]

This is great. I agree. What tips do you have for reparenting oneself and developing & establishing a strong sense of self? Many INFJs have a lot of trouble knowing who they really are (their true identity). Jay

[@jeannined7532]

@@INFJcircle There is a branch of counseling that is called IFS (Internal family systems) that sounds similar to the work I did in the early 90’s. Of course, a huge issue in our current economic climate is that so many people can’t afford counseling. Thank God for KZbin. Searching for “inner child work” etc can link people up with many good teachers/counselors who offer a lot of free information, wisdom, and services. For those INFJ’s who believe trauma/narcissism has affected their ability to develop a sense of agency, I highly encourage people to again explore KZbin. People that come to mind are Gabor Mate, “Your Inner Child Matters” Kim Sage, Jay Reid, Patrick Teahan. I’ve used the writing/meditation tool from “The crappy childhood fairy” channel and used it daily to great benefit. And, it’s free. I cannot stress strongly enough how important it is for INFJ’s to develop a spiritual practice. Meditation/Contemplative practices do more to connect us with our true self than anything else I know. There is currently a resurgence in Christian Contemplative Practice, with people like Thomas Keating, Richard Rohr. For those who have been wounded by institutional Christianity, I highly recommend Richard Rohr’s daily meditations e-mail for a profoundly healing experience and amazing pointer to the depth of the Christ path. Samaneri Jayasara’s KZbin channel in an INFJ’s delight as well. She is a Buddhist nun and her videos include all the major spiritual traditions. Playlists for Christian Mystics as well as Taoism and different branches of Buddhism are included. These videos mostly feature Samaneri reading the deep teachings of the traditions with gorgeous musical backgroun and they are so soulful and beautiful and...what can I say? They fill my INFJ soul. A closing thought: When you consider that Ni is a first cognitive function for only about 5-8 percent (including INTJ here as well) of the population, AND the materialism of post modern society, is it any surprise that we’re “misunderstood”? When I realized that’s the plan for my soul in this incarnation, I stopped expecting to be understood. Ni’s can have that very human need to be understood met in a spiritual practice. We’ve “been looking for love in all the wrong places.” The lucky INFJ’s out there who had parents who encouraged their gifts, even if they didn’t understand their kid, are blessed indeed. We are considered the “point of the arrow” for humanity’s evolution of consciousness, which makes it even more important to look within and walk a spiritual path at depth. I listen to your “I wish every INFJ would watch this every day” video every day! Thanks for your supportive presence.

[@MoonlightMystic4444]

@@INFJcircle Speaking from experience, a great EMDR therapist can help with *all* of it.

[@Kitingaful]

Experienced a narc partner. It was horrendous although also very valuable as I can now sniff them out a mile away. It did however put me off finding new relationships and trusting my judgement over letting people in.

[@luisavasconcelos5166]

Knowledge is power. The better you know yourself, the more powerful you become because you learn to "drive your Ferrari instead of going on autopilot". Your brain controls everything. Imagine the power you can have if you learn to control the mechanisms of your brain. It's very powerful, believe me. I tested.

[@trinitymarieM]

🗝️ superpowers

[@wesmckenna8287]

I’ve been in and out of abusive relationships my whole life. I finally figured out the pattern on my dark night of the soul. Still in isolation stage 3 years later.

[@seventeen-t2h]

It doesnt even have to be a relationship, it can just be your friend

[@ameliazelezniak]

narcissists not only are the cycle, they are born with the same vocabulary. over half a century, has shown me that they may come in disguise( all they are in their entirety)but as someone who has an invisible forehead tattoo, arrow sign on my back, ability to be everything a narcissist wants the most to be himself, and as a vulnerable traumatised person, still engage open/ broken heartedly with others, the perfect prey. the narcissists only potential is to live a life locked in a cycle of the above iteration: love bomb/gaslight/devalue/discard/never go away. The last part is what is most important and not spoken of enough. When you are forced to leave, because they create such chaos and devastation, because as my ex partner told me: they never have less than three! and their abuse has hollowed you out to the point of near death or they realise you are not a stalker just know exactly who, what and why before they even know themselves, they need to exit of THEIR WILL, while still making it seem to everyone and sadly themselves, it was you who left them. Setting themselves up as the victim so the next target , already heavily invested, is more easily confused into believing them. Leaving you is a construct, they will force you to leave. and as a loving person the trauma of their constant betrayal, as they storm out on you, they are already on their way to number 2 or 3, you are left devastated, years of healing required while they have already moved on before leaving, straight out the door, direction:Number 2 or 3. However, their disguise is flimsy at best and when the mask slips, and it will, they will need to resource your vulnerability by turning up unexpectedly, maybe months, years later. their insatiable vacant self needing feeding, and if you have not done the work, and this is a very hard path rarely travelled to complete healing, you will relent. They say nothing changes, but it does. and this is how: the cycle becomes so fast, you are spinning, unravelling, and you add your shame, self betrayal to that and you are not coming out without serious medical and psychological co morbidities and severe PTSD or CPTSD. They are kiss or kill: adore/ abhor. even when they have moved on if you have children, they will alienate you from them in their warped narrative. I clearly could write a book on this. So know this: it will only, ever, always get worse. Get out, cut them out in every way possible, and heal. Because what they saw in you and you handed over, is not a self replenishing source. You are the source! you are always still the incredible soul, no one can take away! evil exists in the world, it's the behaviour of a narcissist. those with resources will want you dead. This is a very dangerous situation. I am not dramatising what I have lived.BUT: there is a gift in this that no one who has not been through this hell may experience. You will come to see the world and people with your unique intuition,understanding and experiencing in its absolute perfection. the universe likes balance: the abyss for the magical, mystical absolute understanding of everything.

[@_Balanced_]

My whole inner family circle is full of narcissists. It took me almost 20 years to figure this out and now that I know it's not just my dad I'm beginning to remove myself from the unhealthy attachments. It's not easy as I have some mental and physical challenges that have had me someone partially reliant on at least my mother for a long time now. But I'm slowly getting there. This is to everyone who is in a similar position, you can become strong enough to live on your own without those toxic people in your life.

[@Neptune_boi]

Now you’re not stumbling around in the dark anymore. I hope you your escape plan comes to fruition 💪🏽

[@audacein5063]

Thank you

[@mattiekauffman2158]

An INFJ married to a narcissist for 34 yrs. In therapy now. He’s dying of cancer. This video was right on in every aspect

[@qbik911]

All I am going to say is it's not your fault and you've already paid the bill! The sun is still shining and a brand new journey is ahead of you, but now with a new found power of being your self! Good luck and best wishes!😊

[@tiyacraven7852]

I’m pretty fresh out of a 6 week whirlwind romantic run in with someone who has high narcissistic tendencies. He’s an INTJ. Rather than let him show me who he was, I focused so much on learning about his MBTI type. Because he has a hard time sharing, I wanted to accommodate him with space and acceptance. He mirrored me so well. I felt so at ease and at “home” with him very early on. Never had I felt so loved and accepted and understood by a romantic partner. All the while, my brain said, “Too good to be true.” He doesn’t have any friends and struggles with work relationships too. He would say things like, “I want to do what makes you happy”. He thought people were looking at him wrong. I knew I needed to test him with boundaries but I wanted it to be authentic and deep down, I think I knew it would not go well. I didn’t want to disrupt our fairytale. I needed to postpone a date to take care of a family member and he said he understood but then he made up a problem out of nothing and told me I was a dishonest person among other unkind and untrue things. I know this is not who I am but I understood that he might have felt them to be true, not knowing me like my family and lifelong friends do. We had a “nice” repair and a plan for what to do with misunderstandings in the future. 2 weeks later, another boundary came up and that was it for both of us. He realized I was on to him and no longer good supply and I realized this is who he is and it was scary for me. It became volatile and he was like 2 different people. I felt foolish to be caught in this pattern once again but this time the he was the most advanced (comes with age) and this time I caught on sooner. I have hope that I will step into my power and strength and keep myself soft enough for love in the future.

[@tiyacraven7852]

@@steffenirgens7022 I’m an INFJ tested 5-6 times at different times in my life. I appreciate your 2 cents and I can see where you would come up with it based off the information I felt comfortable enough to share.

[@marjorieverdrc7841]

I spent a decade of my life with a narcissist. I actually broke up with him after the first year, and then got back together with him 3 years later because his persistence overcame my resistance. When I saw him again that first time after our 3-year separation, I physically cringed, felt like my very soul did an unpleasant flip-flop. But I ignored my better sense and ran head-long into 9 more years of mental, emotional, and physical abuse. We were engaged 3 months after our reconciliation. Why did I stay so long? Because I had his child a year after we got engaged. And, yes, I thought the problem had to be me, so I could make it better somehow. It just didn't make any sense that I was really being treated that way, so I thought I must have been missing something or doing something wrong. He's a malignant narcissist, meaning he goes out of his way to create pain and chaos for me and whoever else he sets his evil sights on. I didn't have any knowledge about narcissists until a culminating event led to me seeking therapy - and my therapist(s) both very quickly drew the conclusion that I'd been dealing with a malignant narcissist all those years. It was a cathartic revelation for me. Knowledge truly is power, because once I began researching narcissism, I was able to better protect myself from him - not completely, but enough so I didn't need any more therapy because it was really clear that I wasn't the problem. I'm far from perfect but I'm a hell of a lot better than that vampire. Our son is 16 now so I don't have to deal with the vampire as often as I used to. And when I do, I pray to Jesus to stay close to me and guide me through it (and He never lets me down). The stories I could tell people about what that man put me through would be hard for them to believe. Unless you've experienced such abuse first-hand, it's hard to wrap your mind around. The absolute most painful thing he did to me was systematically erode my rights as a mother (he has all the money, no qualms with lying, and is extremely litigious, of course). That nearly put me over the edge. But God and my finer INFJ qualities have carried me through. My son has always experienced the depth of love & empathy only an INFJ mother can give, so our bond is unbreakable. To this day, I am usually filled with hope and love and a quiet kind of joy - despite that man's best efforts. And still, in fact just the other night, he continues to try and revise history. I've always been one of the only people in his life who will stand up to him and not just swallow his BS because he's trying to spoon-feed it to me. My voice and eyes ooze judgement as I shake my head, and say, "That's not what happened. I was there, remember?" BOY, DOES THAT VAMPIRE HATE TO BE CALLED OUT. I can sense that he'd love to just thrash me, which isn't funny at all, but is making me smile right now. BECAUSE AS AN INFJ TRULY IN MY POWER, I KNOW I CAN EVISCERATE HIM AT ANY GIVEN MOMENT. But I don't - because I'm an INFJ lol. And I will not engage in his pig play. I urge anyone, especially the ultra-sensitive INFJ's out there, to end that relationship that's causing you so much pain. No matter how difficult the ending of it is, the chances of you remaining in that situation with your sanity and self-worth in tact are slim to none. Would you ever treat anyone the way you're being treated? No, never, because it could only cause them harm? Then why do you deserve to be treated that way? How are you supposed to just persevere? You're not a super-hero and you probably don't look great in a cape anyway. If I was the ghostly writing in your condensation-covered bathroom mirror, this is what you'd see when you exited the shower - RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!! Don't ignore the warning.

[@Neptune_boi]

I really hope INFJs listen to your share. You’re right. You’ll not quite understand until you’ve been through it. If people can just get educated and see the signs before hand. Our endurance, nurturing and healing instincts are quite strong and they use these against us. It works so well it’s craze.

[@notyourwaifushay]

what you said really does help. I've been dealing with a situation like this (minus a kid, thankfully) for almost a decade and it feels like you're going to be trapped on a Rollercoaster forever while trying to find a way off at the same time. Once you start to come to the conclusion that "oh.. I'm not crazy." or "oh, it's not me.." or "that's really not what happened and I know it didn't." because that's how they try to make you feel, everything slowly starts coming together and making sense. They try to make you feel small and weak so they can force-mold you into the little thing they want/desire (besides making you miserable) because they know they can't do this on their own to begin with. I wish the best for anyone in this type of situation because it can take you for a long, unbearable drive..

[@TavistockLiesBrainwashing]

Have hooked a NPD. Luckily from past experiences with personality disorders, I saw the red flags immediately. On the 3rd brief meeting, it was confirmed.

[@janafinlayson8297]

I went through a very similar experience, Jay. Thank you for voicing it. We have to be careful indeed... rather be alone than with a narcissistic partner...

[@INFJcircle]

Absolutely! Sorry you went through this as well. Jay

[@janafinlayson8297]

Thank you Jay! It takes years to process and heal. I wish I would know all about this long time ago! But it is never too late :-) Take care.

[@savinggrace5154]

I'm a narcissist magnet and just find out I'm an INFJ. This makes so much sense to me now. My question is this...as an INFJ, Am I doomed to be alone forever?

[@veksvj]

No bro. Just find a person similar to you, who likes peace and quiet.

[@emilynakamura2445]

I am slowly learning to look at what I value in a partner and understand that just because one person can't tick every box on what I want from my S.O, doesn't mean that I can't enjoy certain qualities they have. As long as I am valued and they listen to my concerns and try to change, that's all I can hope for. Having the strength to stand up for yourself is the hardest part, but forcing love will only end horribly. Love the people who treat you right, and you will never be alone. ❤

[@valeriecollins1873]

Thank you for making this video. I was beginning to think it was me. My first husband was a narcissist and I got out early, the second one strung me along and now I am going through a nasty divorce because he's convinced everything I own is his and I don't get anything. I've got a good lawyer, thank goodness, but like with all narcissist, it is beginning to drain me emotionally as he is drawing it out. I thought I would be able to see through the narcissist the second time but even my family was fooled the second time. Fortunately already with the first marriage, I knew how to handle getting out of the second marriage more strategically. Note to others, when in a relationship with a narcissist, document and keep files on everything...you may need it!

[@katejo9663]

😢 No one believes in me. I am broken. But I will heal right now, for I believe in me.

[@outgoing_introvert]

❤

[@RealityCheck1]

Narcs will never change. It is you who need to change & that change is to stop caring about them bec caring for someone who hates you will always lead to misery. I suggest keeping a private journal of a list of people & writing about their strengths & weaknesses. It will help you in the future to discern who really deserves you attention. We INFJs are capable of healing & harming. This makes us both lovable & dangerous. Narcs run away once you show your intimidating side. I tend to turn their friends against them by exposing their personal chats (screen shots) with me.

[@Owodrumming]

'The human magnet syndrome' by ross rosenberg changed my life. People will either accept your boundaries and change or you will find out they're a narcissist and you can quietly run away. ♥️ It takes many months to recover from your self love deficit but when you do... 😎 You get self esteem,you can be alone, you can express yourself and not care what others think of you. Heaven!

[@Ash_03]

My entire family is full of narcissists.

[@tamannatazz5800]

Yall,i pray for you

[@AgentClaytonWebb]

2 mins into this video and yep, this is so true. I’ve gotten better at being able to turn my back on the NARS and send them packing… however hard for me because I grew up with NARS parents and I still have one around. I wish I would have known all about INFJ’s and NARS in my 20’s, but I’m in my 30’s and still having trouble with NARS, I’m a total magnet for them. This is 100% accurate!

[@wacubby]

Best video on KZbin! I’ve fallen for 4 Narcs. Married 1, dated the others. Slowly I began to catch on. Thank God for KZbin. I am more educated now….still hurts when they dump you. I agree….worst pain!

[@betelhemlema3434]

Absolutely true , They will never change their toxic behavior even the smaller step rather they gaslight you & make you feeling guilty , then you got a trauma bond relationship . Thanks keep going Brother 🙏

[@larrybradley3809]

I spent 15 years with a narcissist. She kept me under her thumb and slowly pushed me down trying to get me to turn into a dark empath. I just kept trying harder to make it work until I realized I was the only one giving and I had given all I could. I was done and door slammed the relationship. I told her I was done and never talked to her again. There were dark times after that with the flying monkeys and assault on my reputation, but I was so done I didn’t care. I did develop some really unhealthy traits and was not good to myself or others for a while. After 5 years out I’m myself again and moving in a healthy positive way. I have found another INFJ and it just flows with deep discussions and understanding. I’m very happy and grateful I survived that trauma.

[@notyourwaifushay]

literally in this situation now. It's been 8 years and I'm stuck in a state with no friends or family trying to figure a way out on my own. .-.

[@NathanButler-w5z]

Was with my ex for 11 months and this describes my situation with her perfectly. At the beginning it felt absolutely amazing, I'd never considered the possibility of children, settling down etc but with her I really did think that was possible. The first couple of months were unlike anything I'd ever experienced, felt like I'd met the love of my life. As time went on I felt like asking for the smallest of things was too much to ask, spending time with friends/family, going for a walk, taking time to do my hobbies etc. It got to the point where I'd basically become isolated from everyone close to me and gave up my hobby/passion for skateboarding that I've been doing for 14 years. I completely gave up on myself and only started to do things to make her happy and to benefit her, I put everything aside that I wanted and became a shell of the person I once was, everyone was starting to notice it and eventually I started to look in the mirror and hate the person I was (quite literally). We broke up 2 and a half months ago but I found out she had someone new almost instantly, I found this out after a week but could have definitely been going on whilst we were still together. Over these couple of months I have had to pick up all of the pieces, to say it's been the hardest and most traumatic experience of my life is an understatement. I did absolutely everything I could and regardless of her behaviour towards me I always wanted to see the best in her, she completely blind sided me and shattered every perception of what I thought I ever knew. Currently still healing but the amount of work I've done on myself within this time has been astronomical and I'm so proud of myself! I know the term narcissist gets thrown around a lot but after watching this it really hits home and makes me realise that maybe, just maybe I wasn't the problem like she was making me out to be, thankyou so much for this! Subscribed

[@sunset9729]

I've experienced all of this. At the time I couldn't believe someone could treat another person like this. It was a covert narcissistic personality. This type I understand, is very dangerous. I can still see the flying monkeys working with her. 😢

[@INFJcircle]

Absolutely. They are hard to detect until you know what to look for. Maybe all of this will help others to know. What I would have given for this info at 20! Jay

[@TiffanyM3]

I got entangled with a narc in college. He seemed like "the one" and we started dating (I thought)...meanwhile, he was love bombing every other girl on campus. When I confronted him about it, he claimed that he and I were just good friends and he had a lot of "female friends." Needless to say, I never got to the discard stage because I gave him a good ol' INFJ "door slam" first! I literally blocked him from my life. Every few years he'd pop up and try to reconnect, but I never gave him the satisfaction of a response. After 10+ years, his attempts finally stopped. I always wondered how I could even let myself get hooked up with a guy like that...this video helped me finally answer that question.

[@freespirit12]

I met someone who is a suspected covert narc online. I only treated him as a friend at first but I fell in love with him after 2 to 3 1/2 months of being love bombed. Exactly, that thing you mentioned when he wants so much of our time (texting and calling non stop every day even if it annoyed me because it's the same questions asked like 'how's the weather?' and sends a question mark if I can't reply for a minute 😅) and I felt suffocated at first as he was invading too much of my alone time. I told him about that and obediently complied. His personality and traits are what I've been looking for in a man. He was very empathetic, kind, God fearing and a listener. I even referred him as my 'safe haven'. After I was hooked, he suddenly changed abruptly withdrawing the affection and started to make excuses. I recalled I sensed he wants something from me from the beginning and was faking that smile. However, it was overshadowed with his good traits that I didn't pay attention to my instinct. He continued to lie until the more his excuses became lame. I never forget every single details from his spoken words and his facial expressions so I know he was lying but I don't have proof. I called his BS out but the more I was devalued. My only proof is my gut feeling that made me so anxious that I can't even sleep from overthinking. The consistent emotional manipulation and gaslight affected my mental health. I don't want to ever go back to that state again. It was traumatizing but I'm continually healing myself right now including my inner child wounds so I won't be co dependent and seek validation from others again. Please educate yourselves with narcissism and the manipulation techniques usually used by them. So, we can be vigilant in the future and be able to notice the red flags if they try to love bomb us from the beginning. Stay strong my friends💪✨ Sorry for the long message.

[@artistchristos]

As a female, mature age, I met a narcissist 23 years ago and after the initial love bombing he took me overseas. Then the scary treatment began. I am still with him but always wanted to get away. It took me years to learn what a narcissist is, and I set firm boundaries like have my own bedroom as my sanctuary, and walking out on his abusive verbal inconsistencies. He has mental illness now so it probably makes sense since he abused drugs and drank. His personality is quite docile and apologetic now so is much easier for me plus I look after him. I’m a Christian and INFJ-A, advocate. I am a very centered person and an artist 35 years, so as we know, being alone is easy! He has his own room and walks and rides his bike, and we have always cooked our own different kinds of meals, so interaction is minimal during the day. I forgive him for the past as the Lord forgives me.

[@cactusgarden2199]

They mistake kindness for weakness and think they see their own personal doormat but they are in for a rude awakening, anyway imma keep being nice to everyone unless they start giving me reasons not to, then I'll slam the door on them , no more bringing negative emotions in my life, either they go or I will

[@sandramccrone3218]

5 yrs still trying to disentangle from off grid, narcissistic relationship,, a friend of 14 yrs, and this has spelled it out to the 't'...l left when he screaming in my face touched my nose with his- closest town 65 kms away, logging road...cannot wait to get out from under all of it. This education you've shared could have come in handy around 52 yrs ago! But now, fore-armed is great value going forward and am finally starting to heal. These guys are no joke, the cortisol from our 10 yrs together caused me to lose both breasts. Your description of the 'cycle' made me cry. Also my sister was one and 12 yrs older than me who 'helped' me leave home at 15 yrs old, was one...all rallied around her right to gobble both of our parents resources for her her lifestyle and her multiple children, and drama drama drama!n I got to the other side of the country to learn how to have a life. I'm 62, this last 1/3 of my life will be stellar and peaceful...loving LOL got a dog!😀😉

[@luisavasconcelos5166]

I too have had bad experiences with narcissists. They managed to take me to hell. I felt physically burning from the inside out and an insane desire to put an end to that character who was wasting precious oxygen and was going to ruin other lives after mine. Luckily I asked for help because I was starting to lose control of the monster that lives inside me and a kind soul from psychology helped me. I started studying neuroscience, philosophy, identification of facial micro-expressions and this took me to another level where I found peace and rebuilt myself. Now I am able to smell narcissists in the distance. I wish you all the courage and strength to rebuild yourself and reach another level of peace that is worth living. Love yourself. 🙏

[@19katsandcounting]

I’m one of the slower INFJ’s. It’s happened to me 3x over the course of 30 years. I finally get it and now that I do, I’m very angry. Now I don’t want any romance. It all seems like a scam to me. I don’t care if no one gets me.

[@Gabrielangelcastro1996]

Im sure that time alone was very life changing at this point im i right?

[@Thelillypadmusic]

I have survived many narcissistic relationships of all types. One was a psychopath and calling him out nearly got me killed, literally. Finding a way to get out safely and getting professional help through a domestic violence crisis center near you is an excellent step to consider taking. If I had to do that part over again, I would have sought refuge with a crisis center immediately upon realizing I was being abused. The service is free and confidential. Plus, the people you work with are trained professionals. So, if you're in that spot, stay smart and find professional help. Chances are, if you're looking up the signs that you're being abused, then you are probably being abused.

[@Golden-Lady]

Just when you think you'll encounter the boogey man narcissist, there's the benevolent/altruistic narcissist. He was so good (or I was so naïve), that I didn't even know he WAS a narcissist until after it was over! 20 years off and on with the breadcrumbing. I SO wanted him to be the one, but FINALLY I understood that 1) he could not and would not give me what I wanted emotionally, and 2) I didn't have another 20 years to waste if I wanted better, and 3) I deserved better. Well, one day I commented that something he sent me was basically insane and he stopped talking to me from that day after 20 years. It's been 2 years. And while he thought he discarded me, I was so at peace, I almost forgot about him. I had a healthy relationship with someone else a year after him, and truly experienced that it wasn't me. My only regret is the time I wasted in hope of him changing, but I'm still free!

[@Eisblume20000]

My narcissitic ex husband almost destroyed me. At the end I had to do the INFJ door slam. I am done with being abused by narcs!

[@marcglin4919]

Hey Jay. Setting boundaries is a perfect test to detect a narcissist. They directly show the gas lighting behavior in an affect. They might push you away instantly. Perhaps you can do some videos about borderline people. Many psychologist compare narcissism with borderline. Both inner personality is both both described as pile of shards. Even psychologist know treating a borderline style or even disordered person is a challenge for them. They are in fact not that toxic as a narcissist. It is important to know own borders and not let them draw you in a relationship alike. Ty for your videos. Marc

[@pringlesine]

It’s actually scary how accurate this is. I just got out of a 7-month relationship after being single for 6 years. In the first stage there were plenty of his red flags that I ignored, including being with me not long after breaking up with his ex of 5 years. I pretty much ignored all the red flags because he was so nice to me, and even though he wasn’t the kind of guy I always go for, I decided to give him a chance just because how it all seems so unreal. He gave me gifts a few days after he confessed his feelings to me and said all the prettiest words I haven’t heard for the past few years and promised me everything I wanted. I fell for everything and it went bad when I already had this version of him in my mind, but that was not the reality. That was just what was in my mind. We started fighting and every single time I expressed what I am dissatisfied with he would either give excuses or twist the situation saying I have done worse, which then would always end up with me apologising instead of him. Then he would also say sorry, but in a self-victimising tone and not in a way because he is sorry. The most accurate part is when you said by the devaluation phase, he is already lovebombing another person, is totally correct. He got with the new person not even a month after me. I admit I should have seen this coming but I was so indebted with how he treated me that I had to give him a chance. This video basically summed up every single thing that happened and I am so happy that I am out of the relationship now. Thank you so much for this video, for helping me understand what happened, what went wrong and for helping me feel much better. The saddest thing is (idk if this is an INFJ thing) I desperately want him to come crawling back to me begging for forgiveness and for him to realise I was the one who could love him best, but that won’t happen because that’s what a narcissist does.

[@Suedetussy]

True, i was friends with narcissists, when i was younger. The reason was though that i haven’t learned to put boundaries. I was always willing to do the work in the relationship and carry their burdens, because i believed that they would grow (and i was taught to sacrifice myself for others). Of course, i got rid of them, but until now narcissists feel attracted to me, because i am a nice person. But as soon as they start to become abusive, i surprise them with the narcissistic door slam. (Normal people are not abusive. They can act not good sometimes, but this is not the same as being abusive.)

[@6193derek]

You are so good. That part about them mirroring my emotions back at me. that really hit home.

[@verbane]

I was raised by two of them. I attempted suicide at 16. I had to suppress all feeling to survive, but missing out on the main thing that makes an INFJ life so rich and rewarding made me not WANT to survive. I’m doing much better now, but the trauma still chews me up inside on many days. Narcissists love INFJs and other empathetic personality types because we’re often so eager to volunteer as other people’s emotional caretakers and, for the sake of preserving the relationship, will often tolerate abuse and being blamed for the narcissist’s own faults and failures. It’s likely my mother was an INFJ, too, and I feel it’s important to point out that our personality type, as wonderful as it can be, isn’t immune to developing narcissistic traits. Decades of gruelling nursing work and a marriage to a bad man turned my mother into a thoroughly evil person. She was exhausted from being my father’s babysitter and brought me up, in turn, to be hers. I was abused for being ungrateful, spoiled, and cruel when I protested. My mother was Catholic, which I feel is worth mentioning; INFJs are already prone to being a bit stern on the issue of morals and principles, and this is not helped, in my opinion, by joining a strict religion. It can easily turn a selfless healer of the world into a cruel moral tyrant. It took me a long time to figure out that saving a little kindness and generosity for myself isn’t selfish, greedy, or immoral; it’s necessary to protect my mental health and avoid turning into the monster I’ve dedicated myself to fighting.

[@timothyirwin8974]

Was in a relationship with a covert narcissist for ten years. Best nine years of my life. Only then did I begin to know how deep their shallowness can go. Always on the alert as I seem to attract them and vice-versa in some sort of co-dependency. The last one that almost happened kept trying to actually convince me that she too was an INFJ. It was the last thing she was.

[@user-sz9pz2bt4f]

This happened to me. I didn’t know anything about narcissism or love bombing. Luckily, a counselor brought up the name the word and I did my research and I finally left this abusive person after 4 1/2 years. I went no contact, which is important in an abusive relationship because of the trauma bond. So glad I escaped that dangerous dynamic.

[@monicaenrique317]

I was also a target (not a victim) of a narcissist. 19 years old, learning to live on my own and along comes a "great guy". The chain of events happened just like in this video. I KNEW when he was lying and I knew when he was unfaithful...yet, I always gave the benefit of the doubt because I had "no proof". It wasn't until I actually had the proof that I broke off the relationship. But, after a few months, I fell for his apology and took him back. The cycle started all over again....I felt so stupid because I knew better. Anyway, it ended when he became jealous of ME and he punched me in the face. Well....I tend to get REALLY PISSED so I put him in a headlock and won that fight!!!! That was that and I haven't looked back. I've been married for 30 years to a better man! He is not physically abusive and he has continued to love me over all these years! He does have some narcissistic tendencies, though....not full blown narcissist...but he can be needy. We're content and have plans to be together until the end. 😁

[@INFJcircle]

Sounds like things worked out well in the end Monica. Yes, the narcissist cycle is real - and the one thing I didn't mention is when they come back and try to dupe you again (I've been duped like that). So, we live and learn. Glad you are where you are now! Jay

[@Neptune_boi]

When the target has deadly defence mechanism 😂

[@PatThoms]

Was involved with a narc. Started in high school - saw signs but didn't know what they meant. Stayed in touch throughout young adulthood as they dealt with addiction and eventually married. Spouse died and we reconnected. Came to realize they were a covert narc. Endured a short-lived but impactful negative situationship. Was discarded and when the hoovering began had to ignore the narc and their family. Best thing to do is escape and NEVER look back.

[@ScorpioStellium71]

Hi Jay, I just found your channel. I am an infj, I spent 9 years with a narcissist and was discarded in July. I had no idea what a narcissist was when we first met. I feel like now I am an expert, lol. Thanks for the video. ❤

[@lifeinitalianmountainvillage]

they are not predators, narcissist are rather parasites

[@audreyhepburn2790]

Thank you for another magnificent video that is of so much value to all INFJ's out there. I had to deal with a narcissist family member. What saved me was discovering the grey rock method where I became as boring as possible in order to get discarded. Worked like a charm. They feed on any information you give of yourself. Looking forward to the next video 😄🍀

[@INFJcircle]

You are welcome. :) I'll look this up, thanks for sharing! Jay

[@aishahiam]

That was my biggest issue- accepting the uneasy feelings around this covert narc. Finally I did and my whole paradigm shifted- I thought i was traumatized by the person but now I see it was because a new way of thinking and seeing people had changed, Not everyone can be helped, nor can they change by our love. Some people are dark and like a void.

[@sara.e.l.]

This really resonates with my experiences with narcissists in my family, my friends and my romantic relationships. I think I've finally had enough traumatic experiences to understand exactly when a narcissist is trying to bait and hook me. 😣Thanks for your video. There's hope for us afterall💗

[@INFJcircle]

Strong hope Sara. But only after we know the game. Sorry for your suffering at the hands of narcissists.Thanks for your comment! Jay

[@kimg8312]

And now 🥁... How does one keep having amnesia or the ability to keep finding these people? Because naive, trusting, hopeful doesn't begin to describe pretty much being cornered into relationships you didn't want to begin with... And at 53... I'm believing there are way too many people out there that just would never "get" me. We need grounding, reflection, hours of reading, introspection , not materialistic but a sunset that catches your breath (oh wait... That is every single one of them) the vibrancy of the leaves changing color, birds singing. Talk about buying shoes or makeup or can you believe that football player and singer? Nope. Don't care. Real talk. How to get to self actualization, transcend, energy, heal, cure, love 💕

[@loramassegee2463]

I recently learned that my mother is a narcissist and looking back I feel like I should of known sooner. Aside from basic narcissistic tendencies like, love bombing, gaslighting, the as I call it (bigger is better) in literally every way, she has also told me straight to my face that she would lie to me. So, that would mean that all the trust I would ever have for her disintegrated all at once; but, you can’t “truly” trust a narcissist from the start. That is only one of many stories that have happened to me.

[@patriciafoster6282]

Oh my God!!! I wasted over 32 years with a narcissist!!! This is so very true in my case. I always knew I was weird and absolutely different from everyone including my entire birth family of 10. I am just now beginning to understand some things about myself -- thanks to your wonderful, clear spoken and easy to understand videos. If I can be of any help in any way, please let me. My narcissist's first hook was church but fundamentally food!!! I was poor and hungry when we met -- spiritually as well as just basic food to survive physically -- sick huh??? And all those years I believed I was fixing him because he had been treated so badly by past love interests. No one could be as loving and kind, etc., as me -- right??? So sad😢❤

[@melissaculpepper7663]

I’ve only just recently begun to disentangle myself from the toxic people I allowed to be in my life! I appreciate your channel! Thank you!

[@srs1659]

As an INFJ who experienced a narcissist for a year, I am no longer afraid of them. I'm confident that I can tell right away. I had a break from dating for years. Now I observe a person with caution and will never have my boundary crossed.

[@doriag6605]

My mother's husband, not my bio-dad, is an extreme narcissist. He abandoned my mother legally about 5 years ago, but in my early years, I smelled a skunk and nobody believed the 4 year-old child. There was a lot of fighting and finger pointing and the adults demanding facts and explanations I could not conjure at the time. He was controlling, his words were law and my poor emotionally dependent mother, with abandoment issues, was completely hooked and blinded. After 5 years she still misses him and realizes that she really missed the younger version of herself that he mirrored. I watched with horror how he took a vibrant woman and made her into a sickly husk of a woman. "Dad was always working, dad was never available, dad was never in many family pictures..." many quotes that were just a reality. This person was not emotionally invested and shared his frustrations with the defeated child he tried to manipulate. He would express frustration that his children weren't as smart, charismatic or well-behaved as my mother's older children, he would tell me how if mom was ever successful in life, she would leave him; but eventually he was the one with the money and he left her. I told mom throughout my childhood you aren't married, you are living with a sibling or a friend because the romance was absent. I got scolded a lot for pointing stuff like that out. In my final days under his control I finally made him cry out of frustration; I ended the path of becoming a doctor because I felt I was being groomed/ manipulated in my field of study for my mother and his pride. Ultimately I was extremely angry that I had to go an embarassing name change at the age of 19 because he saw the doctorate at the end of the tunnel and he wanted to parade his trophy around. I am grateful for the food and shelter I have received, but I was not obigated to do anything for anyone. Especially after 15 years of being married to my mother, he then decides to adopt me and my sibling because of our future potential net worth. I married my INTJ husbad not too long after and I rubbed it in his face that he lost his thousand dollars and time adopting girls, who would just marry and take on their husband's last names. If you see a Narcissist, RUN!

[@lvx_rose]

You've just described EVERYTHING I went through in my last serious relationship all those years ago. .💀

[@KikiChristine]

It soothes the soul to have someone describe this so eloquently. As an INFJ, it feels so isolating to live on edges of humanity sometimes. It's as if you were speaking about my own life! I've had a few of these toxic relationships with narcissists that seemed impossible to end. They only ended when I had the strength to end them. And it's funny how often the narcs would try to come back for more. Because, truly, they are the ones benefitting the most from it. I used to brainwash myself into thinking that it was OK, because I was The Giver. Nowadays, and with enough alone time, my own voice reigns and I am not confused on what the narcs truly are and what their motives have always been. While in the relationships, at times it felt so good to be "understood." But it wasn't even that. I was being mirrored, which isn't the same thing. It's rare to find someone who can be on the same wavelength and now I am truly at peace with the fact that it's possible I won't find that in a partner. In the past I was desperate to find that "oneness" with another and became perfect prey for the predators. Now, I am more discerning. But also, alone. Alone, but not lonely. As INFJ's we seek deep and soulful connections, and sometimes that gets us burned in the worst way.

[@INFJcircle]

Great comment and I totally agree. It’s better to be alone with someone who is abusive and toxic.

[@faithworks217]

Oh yeah, I have been through that, married to a guy for ten years and it took three years after we broke up for me to realize he was not a good man. I always had hopes for him to change, and still pray for him, still care about him (he's the father of my children, after all), but never want to be around him again until we're in Heaven and I can be sure he's harmless. Too much affection too fast. Got taken in by his lovely Scots accent, great build, and seemingly sweet nature. Met him in church. When we were engaged, he confessed that he "used to" be a heavy drinker. I asked him to promise to never drink alcohol again. He promised and then broke that promise twice before we married, but I was already hooked on him, it was only one glass of wine each time, I was ignorant about alcoholism, was raised by two very controlling parents, and I was very emotionally immature at 21. I overlooked the red flags. I did not think I was worth better than the kind of husband that he was. Plus, I had a narcissist boyfriend when I was 17 who was waaaaay worse than my ex, and I was grateful he wasn't as bad as this other guy. I always hoped we could get back to how things were in the beginning of our marriage, when we had fun before his biannual drinking binges became daily practice. I was devastated when I told him he had to go to AA or get out and he decided to leave me and the kids. This resulted in a nervous breakdown that lasted four months. I would have recovered sooner, but the boyfriend from my teenaged years showed up and it seemed he had changed, that he'd become humble. He really messed up my head when I was emotionally fragile and spiritually vulnerable. He was out for revenge because I eventually refused to go out with him anymore back then. Listening to him, coming under his control, sent me into a tailspin, but people prayed for me and I was able to break free from his influence. It certainly infuriated my husband that this man came around, though he had left me and was dating other women. He was unfaithful before then, as well. For revenge, he took off with my little children to another province and blocked me from having any contact with them for five years. God has helped me through a lot. I am still single and have not had a boyfriend in all this time, and have been much happier being just friends with men, than when I got more involved with them. I've had fun going hiking with them, or going out to restaurants with groups of them after church and engaging in lively discussions. That's about it. Now I live in a seniors' apartment building and I think there are some old fellows here who would like me to be their girlfriend, but I don't want them clinging to me. I really like being single and having a lot of alone time, nobody around to disrespect me.

[@anewmindsetforeveryone]

I consider myself a magnet for good people, narcs are just there in the society, you can’t avoid them 100%. If you listen to your intuition you are fine, only time I’ve had an issue is when listening to so not good intended people, or not listened to my intuition.

[@cajampa]

Also borderline personality disorder sufferers. If you recognize any of them either the BPD or the NPD types. Run and go no contact. The trauma bond can get crazy strong if you let them get close. Run

[@Smetinf85]

This is something surprising the way it happens to me ! Was in a relationship 💔 and at the same time in my work place simultaneously I'll was in so much pain from the breakup and dealing we to much people who was punishing me from every angle at my job ! The owner of the company knows he can't not get over my professionalism and dedication he was literally compiting even knowing he was the owner he felt powerless next to me ! And you know we can see those things ! Eventually I'll do the door slam and walk away from both parties and win my independence 🙏🏼

[@ini_affiah]

As an INFJ, a narcissist was attracted to me. It felt weird at first. She started to love bomb me. I was naive, I had never met a narcissist. My intuition warned me, but I decided to go with the flow. She basically mirrored my interests and values. She showered me with gifts. After I got hooked, the bread crumbing started and finally the discard phase. When I confronted her, she gaslighted me (classic). I saw her for who she was. Basically, it happened exactly the way you described it in the video. It really hurt, but I dodged a missile. Lesson: Don't move too fast when you're in a new relationship.

[@ViciousIssues]

In my experience, it’s both the love bombing and the mirroring, however with me looking back it was the mirroring for me. I didn’t even know I was with a narcissist until about 3 years in, and now being the INFJ that I am, could literally teach a class on the subject of narcissism. Mine was a covert narcissist with antisocial and psychopathic personality traits. Fascinatingly exhausting, but worth it in the end.

[@t.wrecks1976]

CEC is awesome! The pizza is weirdly good, there is wine from a spigot in the wall and the games are fun and silly. Earplugs/airpods are a key to survive it.

[@hugmc]

Only solution too this problem for us learn on internet about narcissistic behaviours . The sooner the better ❤

[@INFJcircle]

Exactly! Jay

[@Smetinf85]

Things that only infj can understand sometimes at an early age or sometimes years later but we are made to be those who stand tall to fall and rise up again the right one to do so! I'll believe that before a narcissist we walk so innocently looking at everyone thinking that they are so much like us ! Tell the lesson begins and fear disappears we find out who we are how valuable we are and the reason why we are made so different and powerful to face those characters in any environment! Against all odds raising victorious from evil! Proving the good is real and he walks around us! That's a fact 🎉❤

[@michaelwalker5943]

He knows his stuff.

[@LIzzy22-53]

Yes I too had a bad childhood, only, lonely child, neglectful parents, alcoholic father and narcissist mother. Two failed marriages and then the NARCISSIST. Like everyone else it followed the predicted path, me desperate my whole life for love, making excuses, believing everything that went wrong was my fault, the rows, violence …. you guys know how it goes. Eventually he ran off with someone else but not before ruining me financially… and now even after seven years without him and at 70 yrs of age I’m about to become bankrupt because of the debts he accumulated during the 20 yrs of marriage and for which I am jointly liable. For me it’s too late but please, please, please all you INFJ’s out there … if you even suspect you’ve met a narcissist then run as if the Devil is on your heels … BECAUSE HE IS!! 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

[@amandanelson5067]

I have a medium key narc in my life... I still have to deal with everything mentioned... it is really difficult for me to give up on people when I know that we are capable of change. I always hope for the best for everyone. It is a difficult thing to accept, sometimes, that a 'snake' is a 'snake.' ... There is no story, no spirituality, no heart felt anything that will change the narrative. People are people and we are not all the same. Nor, can we help others see what they don't wish to see. 🙏💖

[@sunset9729]

Careful. They start low-key in the beginning of discard. Only gets worse. If you are dealing with a covert start an exit plan.

[@Neptune_boi]

It really is hard. Just close your eyes and start running 🏃‍♀️

[@storytimewithyaz]

I think it’s inferior Se that keeps us from seeing the reality of narcissists. I’m 34 & only started learning about them last year. It’s changed everything for me. I realized just how many of them were around me & started testing the waters to see if my assumptions were accurate & every time I was spot on. I’ve been able to cut 2 of the main narcissists out of my life, but am about to travel to visit friends & have come to the conclusion one of the girls I was good long term friends with over there is. When I called her out a few years ago (on my last trip) she got so mad. I feel like I need to expose this to others to keep them safe, but it’s kinda confronting to have to do that & they’ve literally got the biggest web strung around so many people that I know. It’s infuriating to have to watch my back with this because it’s just so wrong what they do. ALL of the narcs are in/were part of church leadership & communities too 😭

[@INFJcircle]

Yes, they are out there for sure. And we seem to be able to find them once we are “woke” to their existence. Thanks for watching! Jay

[@extremeclipper]

My last narc run-in was in charge of her church's 12-step. She worked really hard to get there. Narcs absolutely adore being in charge.

[@junestar777]

Through my teenage I’ve met two narcissists in a row in two years. Both left me with wounds but I now feel lucky cuz I met them when I could still get help from my loving parents. Now I can recognize them instantly. I wish everyone the best luck

[@samraesamrae2355]

So true, I had a relationship with a narcissist... Except that I was able to see what he was doing, in the devaluing phase, so instead of adapting I was collecting informations about his insecurities and weaknesses, while he was projecting them on me... So I mirrored his insecurities and weaknesses, and projected them in a smart way, put him into triangulation, and dumped him just when he thought that I can't leave... INFJs are super smart.. It's true that we attract narcissists but we can always beat them on their own game

[@booklovingmommy]

10 years out of this type of relationship and I still have to remind myself constantly that I was never actually loved by that person. I will still fall into "old habits" and remember the love bombing cycle and start idealizing and thinking maybe we can get back together? Maybe I can "fix" it. Maybe I can mirror them and get back to the "glorious" feelings at the beginning. No, you can't. And trust mez every cycle you go through, the "best part" will last for less time than it did before. I hope this makes sense.

[@andii2814]

I dealt with a narc years ago from 2013-2015 and yes i thought he understood me and eventually he used all of that info against me and black mailed me to keep me around him. Eventually I got out of that relationship and met someone who truly values me ❤ The narc is hoovering trying to get my attention but im done lol and its been 9 years looks like he cant move on.

[@KoWarso-tp7ig]

Found this vid while searching about INFJs. Honestly I really experienced the exact details of these 3 stages and it almost ruined my life 3 years ago. I did not understand and could not be able to crack the answer for a long time even I am in a happy relationship right now. Now my life gets better and gradually don't care about that narcissist at all. It is truly scary when I learnt that they are "The Cycle." I do wish her life gets better.

[@KoWarso-tp7ig]

And it's true that there was a alarm in my head and I did a choice. Not gonna happen again.