INFJs Biggest Mistake in Love

INFJ personality types and INFP personality types often struggle in romantic relationships and attract dysfunctional partners. This tendency to choose partners with dysfunctional behavior stems from the INFJ or INFP’s relationship with a parent in childhood. Many INFJs and INFPs grow up with narcissistic parents, or codependent parents with whom they experience enmeshment. These types of parent-child relationships tend to be extremely one-sided, with the INFJ or INFP frequently acting more like a parent than their actual parent.
Because of this dynamic that they experience growing up, many INFJ personality types and INFP personality types become accustomed to one-sided relationships. Since they have never experienced anything else, they subconsciously believe that a loving relationship is always one-sided, with them taking on the role of the caretaker. In adulthood, INFJ personality types and INFP personality types bring this same dynamic to romantic relationships, and so it’s not uncommon for INFJs and INFPs to end up with narcissistic partners, who thrive on taking all the energy of the INFJ or INFP, and never giving anything back.
The key to dissolving this dysfunctional dynamic in romantic relationships is to understand that a truly loving relationship is an exchange of support, not a one-sided caretaking situation. Making this shift will might feel uncomfortable to INFJ personality types and INFP personality types, because it will feel so new and unfamiliar, but if they can commit to doing things differently and experimenting with a new dynamic, the quality of their romantic relationships has the potential to improve significantly, and the INFJ or INFP in question can finally feel like they are seen and validated for who they are in a close, loving relationship.
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[@carolinebrown8965]

When people ask me questions about myself, it triggers a bit of panic in me, like I have to protect myself.

[@Mindsetolympics]

Wow thats a good way to put it…

[@Stevie671]

We read people well, we don't enjoy thinking others are doing it to us. But well put.

[@barbaracapes8816]

I do the same thing.

[@bjw6052]

I do that too

[@sassytaf]

Me too

[@TheRealJohnHooper]

Yeah we end up in some kind of Cheerleader role with our friends/partners.. And almost nothing comes ever back..

[@yukio_saito]

Similar things happened to me. The more I helped them, the more they expected me to help.

[@BSNotAccepted]

There is also a problem in even starting a romantic relationship. INFJs are givers. Offering to help or given gifts (even little things) can be perceived as desperate Or manipulative. All INFJs know taht giving is our natural instinct and tendency.

[@nellautumngirl]

I think that's beautiful, not many people are that selfless. Just don't give to people who don't have your wellbeing at heart ❤️

[@c.rlewis5812]

Ive been accused of “bribery” with my generous nature🙄

[@colonelgraff9198]

Don’t be a chaser and don’t be chased. Decide to either walk in step with your partner or to walk alone.

[@yukio_saito]

I agree with you. A chaser-runner relationship is unhealthy.

[@nellautumngirl]

I'm an INFP and my partner is an INFJ. I would say we both had codependent mothers and emotionally distant fathers :( My partner's father was also an alcoholic. Our dads died when we were both 23. Now we try to heal, we both have wounds but also lots of love to give each other :) I pray for everyone who is as sensitive as we that they find a good partner, it doesn't heal every wound but it makes everyday life easy and good where there was a lot of pain before.

[@elenigalani4885]

I am happy for you ☺take care of each other

[@nellautumngirl]

@@elenigalani4885 Aww thank you 🙂 We really do take care of each other ❤️

[@WM-zg6bv]

How did you get him to open up? ​@@nellautumngirl

[@mindset_olympics2]

Me too !!!! Same mother n father dynamic affecting me

[@wittymystic7361]

This happens to me in friendships as well.

[@yukio_saito]

That happened to me, too. I removed all one-sided friendhips.

[@wittymystic7361]

@@yukio_saito I have too. Sadly, I have yet to attract better.

[@lilyghassemzadeh]

Exactly.

[@yukio_saito]

Yes. I learned the hard way that a healthy relationship should be two-way, reciprocal, and mutual. I no longer allow people to make a one-sided relationship with me. I got rid of many unhealthy people. ✂✂✂ Use your intuition and see-through ability first to discern people, then choose whom to engage with.

[@douglasdh12]

I laughed out loud when you verbalized an INFJ tendency to not put the brakes on in a relationship by expressing, "I've known this person a month and I know they are the one." In my experience, very true. I benefit from watching your videos.

[@naamanpratt]

Hi Lauren, I love your videos and could listen to you talk for hours and have. However, while I've watched maybe 30 of your videos so far, it seems lately I keep hearing you talk about the aftereffects of narcissists or problems in one's past or childhood, which totally doesn't apply to me, being raised by a very loving and supportive single Mother. I have an older brother and two older sisters and we were all very close growing up and I have great memories of happy times for the most part. I also continued to raise two wonderful daughters by myself with full custody after divorcing my ex-wife of 11 years, and the three of us were best friends and inseparable during their first twenty-one years or so. I've also heard you speak several times now of this fear of intimacy by INFJs, which also definitely does not apply to me. Pretty much everything else you speak about is as if you've known me for my entire life and seems to be spot on. I'd love to see you create more videos that focus on other things in depth rather than a dysfunctional past or childhood that probably doesn't apply to most of us misfits. 🤣 With love, thank you! 💞

[@chrisstahl2653]

Every girl I ever fancied was my eternal, undying, one an only love - in my mind.

[@jordanrintoul-thomas722]

We expect our partners to love us the same way we love them.

[@aprilpambianchi9888]

My ex yelled at me one time APRIL NO ONE IS EVER GONA CARE AS MUCH AS YOU SO STOP SETTING YOURSELF UP FOR DISAPPOINTMENT….i didn’t understand that at all because I just care how I care and I don’t categories….

[@chioma5633]

:(( this is so sad

[@thesandman84]

I was trying to get to know this girl, and asked her questions just trying to get her to open up, she kept giving me short answers that didn't give opportunity for follow up to turn it into a conversation. Then she told me that our interaction felt like a job interview and I had to tell her that it's kind of hard to have a conversation when they won't open up, yeah, I was done with her quick.

[@artifundio1]

Thank you Lauren. This video is perfect to understand how our patterns prevent us from building a connection with truly good people. ❤

[@ScottieBeanZ]

Spot on as Usual! ❤️👏

[@BeStillandKnow0000]

I feel so seen, this was my struggle in friendships even moreeee so than any other relationship. the realization of it being one sided is so long afterrrrrr, it's actually funny.

[@TheWspirit3]

You’re right about everything you said! I’ve done everything you said. And grew up with a narcissistic father(also paranoid schizo affective). I’m an INFJ, and my bf is an ENFP we get along really well from what I’ve heard. He’s ADHD and not a narcissist. So, it’s difficult to have conversations because he talks a LOT! I’m trying to get him to understand me and where I’m coming from. It’s not easy 🤦🏻‍♀️Our relationship is still one sided. My ex husband of almost 20 years is a narcissist. We got married right away. I actually waited tho to have a child until I was 33. Got married at 24. I just subscribed to you. It’s so incredibly difficult being an INFJ. We’re misunderstood.

[@talonthorn]

Thank you so much for this video. It is instantly very helpful to me. Though I know this, a healthy friendship based on equal effort is not at all obvious to me. I am one of those INFJs who at some point decided that such people don't exist for me. I'm sure this isn't an uncommon among INFJs and even INFPs. Now that I've come to some degree of maturity, I finally met someone who did meet me on equal terms. I'm sure the two go hand in hand. But knowing isn't knowing. My past outweighs one event. So, thank you very much for reminding me about the obvious, because it isn't at all obvious to someone like me. I very much appreciate it. 💕 PS: My parents were not narcissistic; they were emotionally distant.

[@blkcowrie]

this is such 💚medicine!💚 thx so very much for this illuminating clarity and witness! 💐💐💐💐💐💐🕊✨

[@boblossie3192]

I wish I'd known about all this decades ago!

[@TZach1987]

INFATUATION HAZE. This is gold ❤ THANK YOU

[@Manni-lj2cy]

WOW You have literally just described my 15 yr nightmare marriage. I exist only to serve my spouse. There is zero reciprocation. Thank you So much for bringing deep clarity on his topic. It took me many years to realize I married my mother who was a violent abuser.

[@cheribarkman1784]

You are so damn good at this.

[@annaynely]

For some ppl it works to rush even though not for everyone.

[@cinderling5472]

Sweetie!! I've been thinking about you all day - i knew this would be a banger ❤❤❤ as usual, just what we needed. Thank you Lauren, you are a gift and a gem!!!

[@Stefans2332]

Fantastic insight. Thank you!

[@Makos33]

Spot on!

[@sonofhibbs4425]

Such great insight and advice! Thank you!

[@shericonner9863]

I feel seen.

[@-GloryDays]

I’ve learned to decide that I can or cannot be a friend to a person, whether or not they are MY friend. It’s my decision

[@brocklytodd5317]

I didn't really have that experience with my immediate family but more so with my extended family. I wouldn't say it traumatized me to be around narcissists as a kid I personally think humans are stronger than that.

[@DonTrump-sv1si]

Its like early life, traumatic, circumstances takes us out of our core chakra energy centers into our third eye centers where its safer and we can see any dangers ahead.

[@cheribarkman1784]

Thank you

[@rnhzrhrk103]

I wonder if it's okay to share this with my partner... Just because idk how to convey these things myself. I do feel like i'm less of myself when im around him and it's not right

[@rufinobangcaya9973]

On my younger years my wife haven't even received a single gift from me when we're on gf,bf relationship.😅😅. .I just don't know why I'm like this even now. .😅😅😅. .it feels too awkward doing those stuff. .and I don't like her talking about me in other people or her friends. .I hate it that way. .

[@nadjaschneider3242]

Is there any study which personality type has the most narcissist in? I would love to know if there are many infj/ infp narcissists, because I know someone who is a infp but seems also be a narcissist.

[@Zellonous]

I'm not a narcissist, but I can be quite prideful. I assume the capacity for vanity would indicate other people with my type could be a narcissist but I don't know.