The sex-starved marriage | Michele Weiner-Davis | TEDxCU

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Michele Weiner-Davis, MSW is an internationally renowned relationship expert, best-selling author, marriage therapist, and professional speaker. Among the first in her field to courageously speak out about the pitfalls of unnecessary divorce, Michele has been active in spearheading the now popular movement urging couples to make their marriages work and keep their families together. Michele is the Director of The Divorce Busting® Center and the founder of www.divorcebusting.com. She has been a frequent guest on shows such as Oprah, 20/20, 48 Hours, The TODAY show, Good Morning America, CBS Evening News, and so on. Her work as been featured in most major newspapers and magazines.
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[@KpxUrz5745]

The problem with this topic is that the spouse more in need of hearing this message is NOT the one here watching this. Ever.

[@themotobanditshow]

100% agreed.

[@ludakris6688]

Right on

[@denizasr]

I am the one in my relationship who needs to hear this and I am here. Don’t be quick to jump to assumptions.

[@KpxUrz5745]

@@denizasr Fine. And I say that 99 out of 100 will agree with my comment.

[@denizasr]

@@KpxUrz5745 why do you want to be agreed with so much?

[@MrBdiddypop]

What hit me hardest was the line about how one person decides no sex and the other has to accept it, not complain about it and stay monogamous. It is indeed an unworkable situation. I think sometimes people feel because they're married, they can do whatever they want thinking their spouse is "locked in".

[@boomboomdrums8540]

Tell me about it.

[@dreamingmusic3299]

That's exactly how wives treat their husbands and their marriage. "I've got him by the balls. I make the rules. I decide how this relationshit works"

[@39zhanna]

Dreaming Music husbands do that too , in my experience

[@stevescheid271]

100% AGREE

[@gshobharamesh]

True

[@scoop1871]

I love how she talks about a sexless marriage not just being a “mens” problem. Many women are in sexless marriages too. My husband is personally never in the mood and says it’s because he works a lot. That may be true but when society tells you men are supposed to want it all the time, it hurts on an even deeper level because you feel like something must be wrong with you for him to hardly ever show any interest in you. The feeling of rejection is real.

[@lisarhodes5659]

Amen !!!!!!!!!

[@melaniej.roberts206]

Yep. I know what you are talking about

[@chumbanga]

Maybe share this with him and watch it together maybe it can at-least start the conversation. I wish you nothing but the best and good luck with your Husband 🙏🏾

[@scoop1871]

@@chumbanga thank you! That’s a great idea and he also agreed to do couples counseling so I feel hopeful things can improve :) appreciate your kind words and encouragement!

[@hayleeedwards3072]

YES! After so much rejection you finally quit initiating then you REALLY never get any. More than likely tho it is him & not you. He could have a low libido, low testosterone, depression, exhaustion, etc. . I never knew a man was fine with going 2 months without but mine is & I know it’s not me. He has horrible sleep apnea & works all the time so I think that’s a major part. He just had a sleep study last night & if this don’t fix it he better be going to the Dr or his meals gonna start being blue…😝

[@gazellahbruder6618]

This just broke my heart... This is my life. The loneliness, the alienation... The sadness... The anger... The low self-esteem... It hurts... It is grieving over a death that is living.

[@fullclipaudio]

It never gets better. Walk away right now.

[@bissell1966]

I feel exactly the same way

[@spr6317]

Have you heard a word called divorce?

[@lisa-pz2px]

@@fullclipaudio cap, communication

[@lisa-pz2px]

@@spr6317 you be throwing the word divorce so easily, is about communication, ppl get married bc they want to spend the rest of their lives together, they love each other, is about communication and willingness to work on things together

[@tuffn00gies]

Why do I get the feeling that most people watching this are thinking "I wish my spouse would watch this."

[@fads2118]

🙍‍♀️🙋‍♀️

[@essgee24]

Cause all have hopes and desires....

[@tomasjay1005]

In my case, it wouldn't do my wife any good to watch. Married 40 years, cut off 14 years ago, and in my religion, " sealed for time and all eternity "..................... I have serious concerns about the after-life.

[@rafaelg4566]

Tomas Jay i understand what you are saying. But the after life would be better as there are no physical limitations. Aging is a physical limitation. In the after life there’s none of that.

[@tomasjay1005]

Thank you Rafael, yes, what you say is definitely true. But, there is so much more to discuss concerning eternity, afterlife existence.

[@micheleweiner-davis5198]

Over a half million views! Thanks everyone for caring about this topic and watching my talk! I appreciate it!

[@buttercup3063]

Michelle! You are amazing. Amazing speech :) Like you, I believe that individuals can change the world and make it better one by one, bit by bit. And you've just spread your 'communicable disease' to over half a million of us! You've brightened up my week so much more for that. Thank you for being you and pursuing your passion. You are inspiring.

[@micheleweiner-davis5198]

butter cup You are very kind! I'm so glad that your week feels bright. Thanks for your generous, heartfelt feedback!

[@RaederlePhoenix]

I've often said that war would end if everyone just got laid!

[@Romans--bo7br]

Raederle Phoenix I "love" your attitude !! ; )

[@senior1110]

By the way, I observe thru my own marriage that in a relationship the one who loves less controls the relationship. Please Michele comment on my following observations: 1) In a society where women are protected by law and convention, the wives or girlfriends are the main decision makers. Eg. If a male wants a truck, and the woman wants a sedan. They will buy a sedan. My conjecture is that middle income families are matriarchal, but the lower and upper income families are patriarchal. I have done random samples of 7 women and 5 agreed with me. This is just anecdotal and not scientific. MY conjecture is based on the males who desire sex more than women, but seems to contradict with what you said. Are there any peer reviewed research on this? 2) Because of my difficult marriage, I finally went to see a registered seasoned female psychologist, and within 10 minutes, she told me something unbelievable: that women do not forgive or forget, and that they are very verbal (they like to argue). I was astounded and frankly speechless for I would have never guessed such a gender difference. Again, I did anecdotal survey and there was consensus. 3) I don't remember the source of: most women feel that they are right most of the times. Again, I did anecdotal survey and there was consensus. The reason I surprised by the above conjectures is that I had 3 girlfriends when I got married, but never spent much time with each of them. So when I got married, I basically went from mother to my wife, and therefore had very little experience with women. when I found our marriage so difficult, I assumed it was due to our incompatibilities but not anything to do with gender differences. Oh, I forgot, my wife is self confessed perfectionist and she is very proud of that!! Would appreciate a reply. Thanks

[@bilwatson5463]

Its not just unresponsiveness but dismissal of ones feelings that hurts the most. To be vulnerable and willing to discuss feelings, only to have that turn into pure rejection is devastating.

[@stephenluke2347]

My feelings also, half way through a 60 odd year marriage and still hopeing.

[@kodeh7931]

Ahhh the dismissive avoidant wife. The worst of the bunch.

[@juliamacmillan2457]

​@@kodeh7931I dunno, my dismissive avoidant husband was pretty heartbreaking. Esp since our society tells me all the time that men are kind of walking around wanting to screw every woman they see.

[@debbiedegenhardt9287]

Your comment really spoke to my experience. 😢

[@3644Darrell]

It's better to be alone than miserable

[@Tom-mu7zy]

At least when you are alone, every day brings the possibility of meeting someone.

[@sayitwithyourchest3944]

Same thing

[@natalie9884]

So relatable… The loneliest I ever felt was laying in bed next to my husband. (Unwanted, pushed away, abandoned...over time , Those slowly formed my identity, self-worth, how I viewed myself… A sexless marriage can deteriorate the heart and soul of a spouse.

[@jeremyfraser3964]

I totally empathise with you Natalie

[@natalie9884]

Jeremy Fraser I’m sorry you can, but it is nice to know you aren’t alone you know

[@jeremyfraser3964]

@@natalie9884 yes - ditto - well lets hope things improve for us both! good luck

[@tracyavent-costanza346]

@natalie the menopause fairy came. it wasn't a choice she made, rather kind of something that happened. at least that's the way she tells it.

[@whiskeyjohnston]

Right there with you.

[@tusherity]

Unfortunately, most watchers are those who are starving.

[@marianievessolsona2119]

No, they aren't

[@knomigwen]

I can confirm I am. It's sad, but the top comments really are true. The people that NEED to see this as part of a relationship usually either won't or dismiss it as a nuisance. It really is tragic how something so simple can uproot and destroy families.

[@trinitybanda246]

That's why we searched this

[@aprils.r8418]

Not true. I want to fix my marriage with my husband desperately. But it's extremely hard.. 😒

[@KipkoechChoge]

@@aprils.r8418 just it of curiosity, which side of the equation are you on?

[@jensbornagain]

I really wished that this could be shown to couples before marriage.

[@CarolinHauser]

Hi Jen, have you come across the book Cupid's poisoned arrow?

[@javierrodriguez4431]

Great point.

[@mariaescobar9990]

We're here hahah

[@thekingsheiress5924]

here🎉😂

[@ytadltspv]

they probably wouldnt understand it, but atleast would be aware of the danger and remember to get help when the icicles start forming!

[@a.j.garrett9639]

This is such a painful topic. It absolutely killed my marriage. It's so very hurtful.

[@Nero_790]

Hang in there. Don't stop fighting

[@kennethmorgan1]

@@Nero_790 p

[@HeavyHaul51]

Did mine too until I had these surgeries and she stepped up to the task

[@jimbo3833]

It started to kill mine too but somehow we found the magic again. It's a careful dance of courtship and fulfillment. One can't just expect it but also needs to be intuitive and both parties need to live to fulfill eachothers needs.

[@union310]

Wake up each day with just one goal, if you manage two things, then it's a great day.

[@melaniev1296]

Withholding sex is a cruel and unusual punishment. It is absolutely insane to demand monogamy from your partner while denying the only socially acceptable source of sexual satisfaction they have access to. How fitting that the one who should love us the most can be the most cruel .

[@riittakyllijoki6084]

Melanie V og så har

[@1972jaye]

[e-mail] I hear you brother. Yep financial slaves yet she can withold affection and uses the smallest transgressions to do so

[@robertmcgrail5616]

Melanie V

[@KrisWolf4]

Melanie V Agree wholeheartedly!!

[@charlesxavier2905]

Amen

[@misaelotero4456]

There is some point when you are just afraid of more rejection and stoped trying, now i get it why, it literally hurts

[@misaelotero4456]

Like, I know in my mind I'm an attractive man, but i feel at this moment just despicable

[@tracyavent-costanza346]

let's face it, our personal energy to invest in "trying" (whatever that is), is not unlimited. Eventually we kind of make different priorities, but I remember the words to an Eagles song: "I guess every form of refuge has its price..."

[@tracyavent-costanza346]

And maybe it is something about "age" that gives you a more complete picture of HOW MUCH DAMAGE that rejection has done. Of course when it first happens, you do not have years (or decades) of reflection about it, to represent the impact of the loss, such as it ultimately appears to be. I was told, decades ago by a wise mentor that such losses "still are remembered but eventually you realize that you can thing about them and it doesn't hurt anymore." Or maybe just doesn't hurt AS MUCH or hurts differently. I dunno, I'm still doing the labs for that lecture series.

[@tracyavent-costanza346]

@Reggie Rendon suppose all of those "women" thought the same thing about you.

[@tracyavent-costanza346]

@Reggie Rendon I give up, how do you treat a complete stranger with "love and respect" especially if that stranger appears somehow attractive to you? Amid this love and respect I'm guessing that there might be some impulse to convey that sensation of attraction. For extra points, distinguish that from a complete stranger in which you have no particular mating-interest but do have some reason to elsewise interact.

[@elwoodroadsmusic9639]

She speaks truth. I sleep in a different room now because rejection hurts way too much.

[@Yeawhateva]

Rejection sucks

[@nickdipaolofan5948]

@@Yeawhateva I wish it sucked.........haha

[@ruckizucki3358]

Why didn't you divorce? That's not a marriage.

[@garylivingston9052]

My parents have slept in seperate rooms for 30 years? Just don't get married, be single and enjoy your life and go after those dreams. Your partner will usually keep you from achieving this.

[@EmanuelSoaresSantos]

Sleeping in seprate rooms isn't solution. In fact, probably will only increase the distance between you and make things worst.

[@erroll9621]

My god, I have never felt so validated, seen, understood. Thank you, Michele.

[@karinbrosnick5642]

Its so true that if theres no physical intimacy with your partner , then all other areas fall apart as well.

[@2growdaily181]

Ditto...over and over.

[@danielhulsizer9930]

Dan Hulsizer

[@Aurora-zu7sh]

Exactly

[@deanb024]

Karin Brosnick I can't even remember how many ways I've tried to tell my wife this.

[@tracyavent-costanza346]

@@deanb024 maybe sometimes TELLING does not get something across, where SHOWING might.

[@billymoss7871]

I can certainly relate to her words. Being rejected constantly really is tough to deal with.

[@barbaravogel7160]

Me too ...

[@elainenilsson5472]

And how many times was she rejected with the emotional needs?

[@janah2584]

Billy Moss 😏

[@gypsygirl-uf8cl]

Yes, it really is.😞😢

[@elainenilsson5472]

Do you constantly reject her when she asks you to do things like go here or go there?

[@Themindofreyrey]

Great video. When this isn’t worked out, the drama leads to disgust, which eventually leads to loss of attraction, and soon leads to settling as roommates or the relationship coming to an end.

[@LenaL146]

Yep, this is me. Too much drama from him including personal attacks and I don’t feel like taking care of him

[@Themindofreyrey]

@@LenaL146 😨

[@richardmilliken8705]

@@LenaL146 It's not worth it to stay in a loveless & toxic marriage. I stayed in a bad marriage because i was very attached to my Border Collie & once he died, i filed for divorce and moved out of the house. The last 2 years of my marriage were sexless & i avoided her like the plauge. Slept in my mancave & bought my own food, etc.

[@Themindofreyrey]

@@richardmilliken8705 that's sucks brother, but much respect on staying for your Border Collie in it's late stage. I had a similar situation, where I moved back in with an ex so that we could both take care of our sick dog for it's final months alive.

[@fridge3489]

Yes. When it's not resolved the attraction fades, making a resolution more challenging. One can lose the motivation to even initiate anymore. I guess even then there's a chance but it takes a good sit down and honest talking. That's not always easy of course

[@TakManSan]

How many of us here are looking at our years of abstinence while our partner frets about just about anything? Never a priority, always busy, always tired, nothing.

[@waynesmith6393]

Yeah I have completely given up, I make her atleast cuddle me at this point, because she won't cuddle up to me lol

[@dennisrobinson8008]

if she doesn't want to cuddle you forcing her doesn't help. Because she will come to you with that resistant negative energy.

[@5552daisy]

I asked my husband to watch this and he refused. He said I was just trying to change him. We are just roommates at this point.

[@Dan-lx1wz]

I didn't even bother asking her to watch, I know the answer ahead of time. The story this woman tells of John and Mary is a touching one, but as with anyone else, it takes two who are willing to talk and listen to the other. When one doesn't, that leads to resentment, which is cancerous to any form of intimacy.

[@thewatcher4552]

You are not alone. I think some women and take their husbands for granted. But yet they want us to remain faithful. When needs aren't being met.

[@thewrongshoes]

..-and many husbands don’t date their wives like they did before the marriage

[@markgittens1]

Debbie. Dump him! He controls your relationship

[@rogersmoot6194]

@@thewrongshoes: First, I can't believe I am talking to another Smoot. Second, if the man stops opening the car door for his wife, he has made one of the biggest, but simplest mistakes of his life, and the marriage suffers for such discourtesy that was once a very important act when love was new.

[@lyleswan6671]

The person who cares the least(in the relationship), controls the relationship.

[@MichaelDarlingCo]

dammit

[@GG-vq6ro]

Wise words. Damn it i care too much.

[@519forestmonk9]

There’s always one who loves more.

[@Araconox]

That is so true and something I learned 20 years ago. And then the one in control -who doesn't care- will put the blame on her/his partner .

[@bluetopguitar1104]

It happens a Lot

[@charmelizabeth8584]

I think why this happens in marriage is because after a while people take each other for granted. They shouldn't, but it happens. And It's also taboo to say it comes down to boredom. You love your partner, but relationships are not exciting after a certain amount of time. That's the reality, and that is why you have to work at it, and try to bring the excitement back.

[@marksallai2289]

I know where you are coming from when 2 people get over comfortable but all it takes to get the spark back is a simple surprise here and there like one single rose or a surprise picnic - complement her hair how she looks so forth

[@Froglicker5]

I literally have headaches about this, it’s so frustrating and hurtful. It’s created so much resentment in me towards her. All she sees it as is me complaining, I’m tired of doing this, I don’t want to cheat, but I have a right to be loved and feel loved don’t I?

[@braesidebikes4344]

instead of cheating, why don't you either get a divorce or tell her you're going to stay married but sleep around? that way you don't have to lie or hide anything

[@ishmaeltheorphan7513]

Leave her. Simple as

[@kaalthai]

As others say, just get a divorce. If you don't have children together, this is the only moment you can take that decision without hurting anyone.

[@stacymatulis3940]

Everyone has the right to feel loved. I would almost think of it as an obligation to yourself. You have to let yourself be free of the nonparticipating spouse and allow yourself to experience the love you want with another. When your spouse detaches from you physically they have left you. Unless you have caused this somehow, it means your spouse has an issue - many people have problems with intimacy. Some people are just really physically lazy as well. If there are reasons to stay married, then I believe in the legal marriage and happiness found outside of it. There is no single right way to live. Find your best way past the situation. Live fully. No marriage can be made with a nonparticipating spouse, it's just a room mate. Don't worry about what others think. You can tell them to go ahead and step into your life if they think you should remain without physical love. You shouldn't.

[@tping7508]

Amen

[@darryllzwiers7257]

I've been with my partner for twenty years. We've watched everyone around us split up. I think we work because we are like kids still. we curl up together every night. we watch tv, talk, spend time together. And we have sex as often as we can. We enjoy each other. I learned early on that if i want the best from my spouse, she needs me to be there. Not just in the same house but WITH her. I hit on her and flirt constantly. We both joke and laugh. We play fight. We cuddle. We talk to each other and do things for each other. Much is made of us all needing to be busy and rushing off to do things for the sake of doing them. I doubt many people at the end of their lives wish they'd been to more karate lessons, took more cooking classes etc. A lot of people wish they had more sex, and had held on to someone they love. Relationships work as long as you make each other your priority.

[@micheleweiner-davis3885]

AMEN!! You got it.

[@thecount1001]

Cleatus, do you find your spouse physically attractive? sexy, desirable? if so is it because of who she is, her personality, or because you see it with your eyes and feel it physically?

[@lieuman6733]

h in

[@Lordfinessse]

This just hit home..

[@hannahevans8193]

@ Lordfinesse Why are you so angry?? He is being honest he is telling his truth.

[@gbflater]

The disconnection really does hurt. She doesn't get it. I've talked til blue in the face. Nothing has changed. It truly is the lonliest place

[@realSimoneCherie]

Gary Flater this is heartbreaking

[@michelle8395boys]

Life is too short to live that way.

[@KaizenOz]

My soul is destroyed

[@ems3991]

Imagine how lonely it is to be violated by your spouse...

[@jasonhicks800]

Yep!! Don’t know how many times I have had that conversation or made it known for it change for a short while to go back to what it was before and worse.

[@bikingback]

I had over 17 years of a sexless marriage. In reality I am still carrying the mental torture and never let a woman get inside my heart ....

[@rachellilley1518]

I am the same but don't want another man in my life.

[@warlock479]

Learn game brother

[@vellapb1812]

If married couples only know how to respect the feelings of other, life would be beautiful.

[@Jmatt455]

25 for me

[@daviddare5759]

10 for me

[@GlowBeautyWellness]

"We have to take better care of each other"...such a true statement. I know marriage is not easy and there are two sides to every story. Its heartbreaking to know people are living their lives married with zero physical intimacy.

[@keithcliver1041]

After 23 years together and no intimacy of ANY kind for the the last 6-7 years, I can't deal with it anymore. I still love her, but it hurts so much. I'm leaving in 2 weeks.

[@GlowBeautyWellness]

@@keithcliver1041 I’m so sorry to hear that. I wish you the best on your new journey. 💗

[@CarolinHauser]

Agreed. Have you come across the book Cupid's poisoned arrow?

[@Sayu277]

Asexual people exist and are living very well that way I think

[@searchthetruth1981]

Don t worry.....there are millions in life on this planet who also go single trew life also don t know what intimacy is anymore...

[@reginaagustine5254]

You just brought tears in my eyes. Now I know why I cant stop feeling so lonely. There’s nothing worse than looking at the ceiling and listen to your husband snores for hours night after night 😢

[@thewatcher4552]

Its not just women feeling this way trust me

[@gypsygirl-uf8cl]

That’s my life too...

[@patrickhall7884]

You dont have to stay unhappy. No one has to or should have to. Make the change. Leave him and find someone youre better suited with. It really is that simple when you break it down. And its not selfish either. Having said this though, snoring is a form of sleep apnea that defnitely affects a man's libido. That is a well documented fact. You may want to get that checked out as it could be the source of your problems. Just Google sleep apnea or snoring and low libido.

[@uhill74]

What a waste...you're a beauty.

[@ashiqerasul8062]

Hi dearest beloved sister Allah Karim bless you and your family turn always 2 creator always kind n merciful to help us not 2 worry 2 only happy always ameen 🇸🇦🌹🇸🇦❤🇸🇦👑👌👍🤲☝️💖💝💘💛🧡🇸🇦

[@disgruntledtoons]

If you are chronically turning down your spouse, you've already divorced them.

[@mariaaugustavieira6721]

Or send he/ she to be with Someone else! That gives them Attention! Be careful!

[@hodanbille]

You wise little thing.

[@TheVinsterSF]

And handed them a free pass to get that need elsewhere.

[@MrFas4wd]

@@mariaaugustavieira6721 and the spouse that seeks that attention elsewhere will be considered at fault and looked down upon. While the other gets a pass

[@Mark-cj8wk]

Is it really cheating if you stray and she hasn't given any affection or love to you in a year? What exactly are you cheating on?

[@keithduffield5239]

Thank you for helping me understand what I have been going through for the last 30 years. I now live (barely) with the mental/social collateral damage. How I wish I could show this to my wife - but I daren't it will be turned against me, made my fault, and leave me even more isolated.

[@lupilou888]

Get out! It’s more than just ripping the bandaid off it’s like ripping stitches out. But those stitches are infected and there is no hospital. Rip the stitches out. You will find someone that you are happier with. It may be yourself.

[@TaijDevon]

Been there and still am. Lucky for divorce lawyer.

[@shirttail1725]

If you still love her, tell her. I love you and I want to share this video with you. I am not saying its me or you, I’m just saying this video got me thinking we’re not enjoying each other as much as we use to. And I miss the feeling of you. Just my humble opinion

[@TaijDevon]

@@shirttail1725 I like the idea, but it is very naive.

[@TaijDevon]

@@shirttail1725 That was for Keith right?

[@varunzid123]

Watching this in a gym and trying hard to hold my tears back. She put it perfectly!! Thank you for those loving words

[@victoriapierce6949]

I had to take breaks watching this because I couldn't stop crying. I've always been the one that sought more connection, more touch, and in my marriages, it eventually ruined them both. I am older now, and hopefully wiser, but I am back in the same boat. I am trying to learn from my mistakes, be more tolerant, patient, and understanding, but I'm still having difficulty with the disconnect. Her comments about rejection hit me so hard that I still have tears sliding down my cheeks. I know he loves me, but knowing it and feeling it are completely different things. I'm asking him to watch this. I need to know I'm not alone, because it always feels as though I am.

[@micheleweiner-davis5198]

+Victoria Pierce Read The Sex-Starved Wife. You will not feel alone because you are NOT alone. I hope your partner watches the talk.

[@carolinabretas5725]

+Michele Weiner-Davis Thank you for posting this video!!! I am struggling for two years with this issue. Could not stop crying while watching the video and seeing myself in that same situation.

[@MyJenniration]

Me too 😢😢😢 but I'm only 24 and we've only been married a month. 😞 been together almost 7 yrs and it's already getting tough 😔

[@victoriapierce6949]

I feel your pain as if it were my own. My boyfriend is on a lot of medication and recently suffered the loss of a friend of 25+ years. Both of these things affect a man's desire and performance. I am learning to NOT internalize the rejection, that just because he isn't interested in sex doesn't necessarily mean that he isn't still interested in me as a person. There is far more to our relationship than the mind-blowing sex that we so rarely have. I have recently been talking to my second husband. Talking with him has caused me to view my current relationship in a more forgiving light. I may often not get my needs met, but he tries hard and often makes overt gestures toward my need for contact. While it may be true that I could get more of my needs met by another, I am getting all that my Joe has to give. For the moment, it's enough.

[@rurikschutte2188]

+Victoria Pierce intimacy is 30% touch. as a guy with higher sex drive 70% of intimacy is emotional.

[@jameswright1199]

I had 15 years of no's, and after the divorce she said she made a terrible mistake, BUT by that time the IN-LOVE was gone.

[@joman388]

I believe that is a very common ending.thanks

[@roberttyrrell2250]

14 yrs for me. She found out how other men treat women. Put out or get out. A spoiled stay at home mom 33 yrs I got treated like wet news paper.

[@nicolathonathan770]

I got a lot NOs from my wife and we r only in our 30s. Tired, kids, overtime, headache, not in the mood, want to sleep, etc. so many excuses.

[@chadpaul7518]

After 34yrs a lot of work and time. Just confusing i work hard and provide. I guess i still need to work on myself or try and communicate with my spouse but i can't continue to feel alone.

[@GodSoLoved.Yeshua]

@@nicolathonathan770 Doesn't sound like excuses to me. It sounds like legitimate reasons. Also a sleep deprived mother in my 30s.

[@rmacarolabella]

I almost didn't click on this video, I'm glad I did. I have a great marriage but sometimes we get derailed so it's nice to be reminded on how to get back on track. There are many things that connected and rang true to me in this lecture. I even cried when you told the story of John and Mary. But one line that also resonated with me is when you said "I didn't choose my career, my career chose me..." That's an aha moment for me and sort of gave me a new perspective on how to look at my job right now.

[@oscarbrody762]

Hello, Carol, How are you doing today?

[@celedonio23]

Someone else may have said it here before, but it is better to break up than to stay in a relationship like that, in case you see the other person is not willing to make things better. You may miss her/his presence but you don't feel as infuriated and lonely as when you are constantly rejected. I say it from my own experience, of course.

[@dennisrobinson8008]

How long did it take to recover? And what was required to recover?

[@celedonio23]

@@dennisrobinson8008 Hey Dennis. Well, of course it's better if you stay busy and talk to somebody else about what you feel, this really helps a lot. In my case, it's been a year since I am alone and I still think about her, though not with a painful feeling now. I get angry, sometimes nostalgic, but you'll eventually move on and get over the person. I think that I will never forget her, but her memory is increasingly less problematic. Be patient.

[@dennisrobinson8008]

@@celedonio23 It can help,, you know what's even better than that? Having fun and a great love life with someone who can't get enough of you. It feels in that hole she tore into you and rebuilds your self esteem. As long as we don't move on to having good love lives we remain EXACTLY WHERE THEY PLACED US. They PLACED US intentionally, think about that....

[@melaniejean85]

Never stay in a bad marriage "for the kids", either-it's destructive for them. The recovery is like any other event you grieve about. Patience and self-love will get you through...eventually!😃

[@bryanmosher6432]

I asked my wife to listen to your talk and it was an eye opener for her. You hit the nail on the head. Thank you very much. Her attitude change was immediate, and hopefully long lasting.

[@josephercastor8026]

I doubt it will last

[@Dbb27]

@@josephercastor8026 wow. You must be fun at parties. 😂

[@josephercastor8026]

@@Dbb27 i liked your comment. Nobody else did. But they did like my comment because they agree We are experienced at this. Women break up to make up as well, they need drama or they get bored.

[@josephercastor8026]

@@Dbb27 ive gotten the woman of my dreams by the way which means im successful.

[@Dbb27]

@@josephercastor8026 many women have been in abusive situations. Once one gets used to that it feels normal. My second husband, now of almost twenty years, and the love of my life didn’t feel ‘right’. I almost ended the relationship the first year. Fortunately I sat myself down and figured it out. I was so used to crazy from my prior that something felt off. Thank goodness I had worked on myself enough to figure it out. You call it boredom, I call it patterns of known and therefore comfortable behavior; even if it’s detrimental drama. It’s why women in abusive relationships end up back in another abusive relationship. ‘It felt like I knew him all my life’. Yup, run!

[@waynelawson436]

I do not want my wife to, " Just Do It!!!" I want her to, WANT to do it!!!

[@micheleweiner-davis5198]

Sometimes starting off by just doing it leads a person to realizing they really want it. It works that way for millions of people.

[@GShields7]

I agree desire is key to being excited

[@lindseytufts8661]

PERFECT... WE ALL WANT TO BE WANTED. IT MAKES THE GIVING BETTER.

[@garybentleysr7929]

Like just doing you a favor

[@mo533]

The WANT follows the DOING. As she forces HERSELF (NOT you forcing her), she will BEGIN TO WANT IT MORE & MORE. NOW YOU GOT ME USING ALL CAPS WHEN I'M NOT EVEN MAD LOL!!!

[@MRW21783]

Sadly this was my previous marriage. 8 years divorced from a very selfish, narcissistic woman. Now with the most amazing woman I've ever met. Rocks my world because she wants to, not because she has to.

[@heatherwaycott1419]

Am the opposite. Living with a selfish narcissistic personality disordered husband. Never wants it.

[@marksallai2289]

it just shows you it was worth moving on well done

[@jsharkee]

Wait til you have kids

[@MRW21783]

@@jsharkee We have 4 combined.

[@bapujim]

Lucky. We cannot blame the disinterested. We may appreciate the limitation and move aside..if that is possible

[@dslkjvoxicuyhgl4554]

I'm in this right now, and feel like I can't leave for a lot of reasons. It's been years, and it is misery.

[@googlemustdie]

leave. plan it. execute. I did it to protect myself and ultimately my children. I did everything possible to protect the relationship with children for both parents and found a new live in my life and life has never been better.

[@CarolinHauser]

have you come across the book Cupid's poisoned arrow?

[@brianware3856]

I have never before heard such an eloquently expressed explanation of the importance of intimacy in a relationship! You are amazing :)

[@CarolinHauser]

Hi Brain, how is your relationship going? Have you come across the book Cupid's poisoned arrow?

[@generay6807]

Without intimacy my relationship died years ago

[@booldawg]

Divorce; starts in the bedroom, ends in the courtroom.

[@zachzanal1067]

Divorce starts in the minds and transforms through actions

[@violetharprashad9805]

Very true❤️

[@spikespiegle9698]

no the main cause of divorce is the death of communication, on one spouse or both spouses are not willing to compromise and worse one or both spouses put their own selfish needs before their spouses need.

[@violetharprashad9805]

Very True...

[@rockthebedroom]

I TOTALLY agree!!

[@toootooo5]

I wish I had known about someone as amazing as yourself 23 years ago. I finally left a marriage of 15 years due to the same situation. Much aggression came from my spouse. And it ultimately split our family. I had two wonderful daughters that became the only reason I stayed was my love for them. I went to a therapist to see what I could do to save my marriage. So I got very little hope from that. Thank You for addressing this. If just one couple can be saved, it’ll be worth it.

[@e.mcguire1538]

Excellent. Simply the best commentary I've ever heard from a therapist on intimacy and love. In my experience, none of the counselors I met ever came close to this inside, vibrant, dynamic knowledge. Every single time, they were people who made separation and divorce seem inevitable.

[@michellemeyer8295]

Word for word exactly my thoughts and experience as well. This was the most valuable TED talk I have ever watched, as well as being, in my opinion, the single most valuable piece of advice for maintaining the connection, health and longevity within a marriage!

[@LolifreakSoap]

Golden rule: If you turn someone down you love, always directly make a counterproposal to show them that you care about their happiness.

[@egd277]

so i'm not in the mood now. how about next week... love you..

[@persistentlydriven9390]

EGD 🗣🗣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

[@thegreatbamboozler4837]

No...that's called appeasement

[@thegreatbamboozler4837]

NO! I DON'T WANT TO BE INTIMATE WITH YOU.... but how about a nice blender?

[@themfatale865]

@@thegreatbamboozler4837 Can I interest you in this lifetime supply of Turtle Wax?

[@karacole2304]

I have been this spouse to my husband, I'm sorry to say. You've helped me after watching this video. Thank you.

[@andrewdevine3920]

You should have married someone more attractive.

[@OneSelfActualized]

@@andrewdevine3920 Shame on both of you

[@victoriaadkins3729]

I'm glad this video has helped open your eyes, it takes a lot to admit when you're wrong.

[@karacole2304]

@@andrewdevine3920 No, it was my own fault and sin. I was selfish and acted as if only my needs mattered. Take your rudeness about my husband elsewhere. He is amazing. I don't deserve a man so loving. 💔

[@karacole2304]

@@victoriaadkins3729 Yeah, it was this and God that did it. The Bible tells spouses not to deprive each other for a reason. 😉

[@annahagstrom738]

Her ability to speak and convey empathy, anyone who is lucky enough to work with her is incredibly lucky. But most of all, her strong ending was absolute perfection. I love a confident woman sharing her power with the world 🫶

[@dominique___1980]

I recently ended a relationship for this very reason. Lying in bed next to my partner was the loneliest I ever felt.

Women like this lady are a rare treasure. Patience, empathy, stopping to consider their partner's feelings, going one inch out of their comfort zone for the guy they claim to love... these seem to elude the majority.

[@buttcheeksmcgee4272]

I am so sorry I'm in the same boat It's sad and frustrating

[@AaronCMounts]

@clean cyclist Divorce her. Now.

[@madonnahagedorn5649]

So true. A very deep depression follows the abstinence, especially if it is not discussed. It resembles a deep loss, just like losing a loved one. I am fully aware. Thank you for your lecture.

[@Michael-bf1dt]

Hi Madonna, it’s a good video. Good comment by you. Greetings from Ireland ☘️. Best wishes for a lovely day 😊🙏 Michael

[@mvjoshi]

Wow.... so it is not only I who feels this way. Thanks so very much for sharing such an intimate, such an extremely personal thought. Strange that sharing pain does seem to make it lesser....

[@dannychampion3]

Totally agree!

[@TheBalmumu]

​@@Michael-bf1dt😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊kk o😅z z, jj. Aa in j

[@AirArtStudiosOfficial]

I sat down with my wife and let her listen to this with me, thank you for helping me at least try to save our marriage without resorting the rowing and blaming❤

[@osakadude]

If I may ask, how did she respond?

[@AirArtStudiosOfficial]

@@osakadude honestly something kind of clicked in her, which made me happy, which made her happy. Shared the video with some friends, hopefully they have the same emotional reaction too. Good luck ❤️

[@ashleybellerose7104]

​@@AirArtStudiosOfficialaweh happy it worked out.

[@AirArtStudiosOfficial]

@@ashleybellerose7104 5 days later. Still talking :) ❤️

[@nickdipaolofan5948]

@@AirArtStudiosOfficial how much has she put out since watching the video? That is the true test

[@jamesfleenor4161]

No truer words have been spoken as I have lived it and it does hurt more than anything I can describe. It is a deep pain.

[@magsteel9891]

"The principle of least interest" is a term describing the fact that the person who cares the least has the power in the relationship.

[@cheekycupcake5524]

mag steel that is so true, because they can walk away anytime they choose, WOW that kind of hurt goes deep!

[@tracyavent-costanza346]

it is ironic that the ultimate power in a relationship seems to lie in not caring who has the power.

[@Araconox]

The pressure is on the side that actually cares..

[@gschneider225]

Not true in my case

[@GodSoLoved.Yeshua]

@@gschneider225 I think you still care. Jesus can help you. He loves you more than you know.

[@MarkKelleySpassmeister]

Choose your mate carefully and take your time doing so.

[@yolievaldivia-nungaray3765]

You can choose carefully and take your time but truth is that people change every day, week, year, life event to life event. There is no telling what our responses to certain experiences will be. I believe that you need to grow and change, sometimes together and sometimes individually but always respecting each other. No one in their 50's is the same person they were in their 20's

[@daddyleon]

*+Yolie Valdivia-Nungaray* So very very true.

[@valken666]

@@yolievaldivia-nungaray3765 Be in a relationship for at least 2 years with the person before you marry.

[@yolievaldivia-nungaray3765]

@@valken666 married almost 21 yrs and dated 7... people still change😉

[@freemanontheland507]

Mark Kelley Yeah, but isn't LOVE, BLIND???

[@MystryTreasure]

This is one of the most authentic and insightful talk I have seen, heard and understood on TedX.👌No bookish knowledge but pure wisdom. 👏

[@ekaterinc]

This talk brought me to tears. Thank you very much, let's hope this message reaches the one I love.

[@maureen.k9527]

Hello...

[@maureen.k9527]

Do you need help in any of this areas get your crush attention get your ex back

[@maureen.k9527]

( Dr Gabriel) he is the best when it comes In recovery of relationship.he helped me

[@maureen.k9527]

Text...... him ....via ...WhatsApp... would .......explain .....how it works + 1 2 6 0 2 7 5 5 1 6 0

[@jeffsadowski7759]

This is the sincerest, most open TED talk, that I have seen to date. Way to go Michele!!

[@micheleweiner-davis5198]

+Jeff Sadowski Thank you so much! I appreciate your kind feedback. I'm glad you liked the talk.

[@dab88]

@@micheleweiner-davis5198 you were outstanding!

[@josephercastor8026]

Truly the best TED talk I've seen

[@frannyyzooey]

I enjoyed this talk. I would love to hear more solutions for when the low-sex-drive partner is the husband, and the one desiring more sex is the wife. The problem with the "just do it" method is that it usually requires the higher-sex-drive partner to initiate the sex, but I have been rejected by my husband so many times, I just want him to come on to ME. I don't want to risk further rejection.

[@micheleweiner-davis5198]

First, ask your husband to watch this video with you. Then, read, The Sex-Starved Wife. There will be many ideas in that book for you. Hang in there, Michele

[@celieboo]

Same here.

[@sw_fit50s]

Same here

[@CarolinHauser]

Has it gotten better?

[@GodSoLoved.Yeshua]

@@CarolinHauser Jesus loves you

[@justinpreid]

I had a moment of clarity 10 yrs ago and left the bedroom for the couch cause I wasn't getting it enough. 9 yrs ago she made me leave. Great plan! That 9 yrs I gradually withdrew and started to let my professional life slide. Not badly but my motivation to provide evaporated. I went out and became an atm machine for my family to provide for my wonderful daughters. But all joy has evaporated.

[@TheItalianPepe]

This was an amazing talk. What she talked about succinctly or near enough to how I feel about my sexless marriage. As a husband to a wife of 7 years, this will help immensely. Thank you!

[@jordanmcneely566]

As a therapist who works with a lot of couples especially around the issues of sexuality, I have to say she is spot on. I'l be recommending this video to my clients.

[@micheleweiner-davis5198]

Jordan McNeely Thank you so much for your support of my work! I have the couples in my practice watch it too when appropriate. Let me know how it goes!

[@danhill3302]

+Michele Weiner-Davis I really, really need help with this in my marriage. I don't know if you conduct sessions over the internet or not, but I'd be willing to pay you any amount of money I can, I am desperate, I'll do anything. Please, if you can help me, please contact me.

So ... you agree ... it's all the husband's fault.

[@meganmeehan1565]

@ in the video she clearly states that the roles are, a significant amount of the time, reversed. so much so that she calls it one of the 'best kept secrets'. and anyway, she never once said it's only 1 persons fault. it's a two way street. idk what video you watched, but it doesn't seem to be this one.

[@JuanitaKainJuanitaKain]

Hello Jordan How are you doing

[@timothywilliams1359]

All of these comments from women astonish me. I have been faithfully married for 30+ years, I am still in very good shape, and not too unattractive. My wife seems very happy with our life together, but has absolutely no interest in physical intimacy. It is really depressing. Whenever I initiate anything, she makes me feel that I am "forcing" her, and I lose the desire to continue... So we just go on, like brother and sister...

[@andrews902]

Tragic

[@stevescheid271]

RIGHT I HAVE BEEN SAYING THIS FOR YEARS."THE LONGER YOU ARE MARRIED THE MORE YOU BECOME LIKE BROTHER AND SISTER

[@SarahKingsleyHaussman]

Very sad.

[@robillardjosh]

I'm right there with you brother. The slow death of intimacy over the 24 years of our marriage has morphed my relationship with my wife into little more than a "domestic partnership". She's still my best friend but we haven't been more than superficially intimate in many years. I manage to guilt her into the occasional quickie but there's no real connection, and she makes it plainly obvious that she'd rather be doing virtually anything else. I haven't felt wanted or desired in such a long time that infidelity on my part is only a matter of time. I don't want my marriage to end, but I can see it coming and I see no way of preventing it.

[@corytrevorson1411]

@@robillardjosh i feel the same. I've talked to her about it and she simply replies " I'm just not interested " I've never felt so lonely. It also angers me that she knows it's important to me and still doesn't care. Even if she offered now i wouldn't want to just knowing how little i mean to her.

[@tylertucker2608]

This is the culmination of my experience in a sexless marriage. I am currently watching as my wife is spending the last two months, and the next four months, boxing up every thing she values from our last twenty years, and slowly moves it out.

[@tbrown6559]

I’m sorry. It’s a terrible situation

[@BryanR83]

You're free, my brother.

[@clich126]

Sorry to hear

[@daviddiebel769]

We've been married almost 18yrs and have been strangers for 16 yrs. I've felt such rejection and self worthlessness for so long but I love her and desire only her. I've felt so alone for so long it'd be more awkward if it happened

[@marianamartinez4106]

Respectfully, it’s torture when they know exactly how you feel however He/She is just thinking of themselves.

[@CarolinHauser]

Hi Mariana, has it gotten better for you?

[@kaseylv922]

So true

[@JA-wb5my]

Exactly right!!! It’s even worse when you have the talk many times and refuse to fix the problem.

[@celieboo]

Going to bed is the most stressful part of my day. The nightly rejection from my husband makes me damn near suicidal.

[@BlushNa]

Soo sad! don’t commit suicide for a damn man Who don’t want you or appreciate you. I think you should work on yourself look beautiful always and show him you can get any man you want. 🖕🏽him!

[@lordzaboem]

@@BlushNa This does seem worth a try.

[@artvandelay5956]

I wouldn't reject you.

[@victoriaadkins3729]

I felt that 😥 thats why I've been sleeping in another room for the last year.... im not any less lonely or deprived but slightly less sad

[@Engineer_Heathen]

This is how I feel with my wife. I think she goes to sleep a couple hours after me to avoid the subject. And I only ask maybe twice per week, not like I'm asking every day. The constant rejection because she has a headache is so annoying.

[@y2k704]

thank you so much, I showed this to my wife and she finally understood. you're a marriage saver

[@HowardPritchartt]

I was married on May 16, 1981. We went to Cancun for our honeymoon. When we came back we landed in New Orleans. She never even kissed me again after we landed. By October of 1981 I had her in counseling for lack of intimacy. After 9 years of a sexless marriage and two marital counsellors the only commitment that I can honestly say worked well for me was when I finally committed adultery.

[@melaniejean85]

Divorce would have been less painful for both of you. Hope you are happy now. 1981 was a long time ago! Hope you went to therapy as well. It takes two...........

[@HowardPritchartt]

@@melaniejean85 I initiated therapy 5 months after our marriage for lack of intimacy and again for the same reason 9 years later. She did not change but I can look back and know I did my best to rekindle a love from one who never loved me. In divorce there is always fault on both sides. I admit my faults but she will never admit her faults. Thanks for your thoughts and support. She is now married to a very nice Doctor and I am single, happy and will stay the course.

[@jameshope6917]

​@@melaniejean85c noi

[@HowardPritchartt]

@@melaniejean85 There is always two sides of the story. I did a self inventroy and admit that I was also at fault. She never will.

[@HowardPritchartt]

One cannot put a price on happinees.@@melaniejean85

[@lindacoburn126]

I wish you would discuss the opposite scenario: a wife who longs for touch with a husband who cannot or will not respond. This is the reason our children are adopted, and it's also the reason I have suffered so long with depression.

[@marksallai2289]

yes it can happen both ways

[@drranoomannarora1931]

I can so relate to you. It's like I'm reading about me

[@todd5082]

She did say it can affect both men as well as women.

[@bapujim]

Either way it is painful.either one must go early for Counselling and set it right or part ways.

[@TessTaylorHRWriter]

Great points: Being repeatedly rejected by a spouse opens up feelings of vulnerability, this vulnerability turns into anger and contempt, anger leads to sexual withdrawal, heightened anger leads to sexual anorexia. How can one stay in a marriage that continually cycles this way, with someone who supposedly loves you? It's like a cruel merry-go-round that never stops. It's not a man vs. woman issue, because all human beings are innately selfish at times. Sex can and should be an act of love, of meeting the needs of someone you love, and of actively participating in that love together. If there is no sex drive, then DO something to change things. Stop living in denial. This problem won't go away. The other person in the marriage is suffering from painful loneliness and degraded self-esteem. This little issue becomes a living, breathing elephant in the room that stands in the way of a healthy relationship. Women are allowed to be passionate and sexual beings. Men are allowed to be passionate and sexual beings. We need to start talking about this more, before and during our marriages.

[@micheleweiner-davis5198]

Tess Taylor Bravo! You get it. Thanks.

[@jovanialzateart]

Ñ

[@markgittens1]

Tess Taylor yes agreed. My answer was, after 25 years, a divorce

[@aruvielevenstar3944]

Spot on🙏🏻😘

[@gypsygirl-uf8cl]

Best comment on here!

[@robinhooper7702]

You have opened my eyes....7years late, but never the less. Thank you. Do I even dare share this with my X-wife, in hopes in getting back together...I still love her so much...

[@auberjean6873]

Robin Hooper , if you don't do it, you'll never know if it could have made a difference. Go out and get her back! Good luck.

[@flier9708]

You have made the break, don't go over old ground, it will mostly disappoint and hurt all the more. Try new pastures, it will be the best path to take. If you were still married yes try it, but to be rejected again will kill you inside. Take care.

[@luiscarrasquillo9743]

I am almost in my 30th anniversary and I have felt this way for 29, this is so sad! How one deprive ourselves just because of the other person. I am almost 50 yo and the saddest of all things is that I have no interest in another person however don’t want to be like this anymore 😞

[@cyber-speciesb1717]

Same

[@heatherwaycott1419]

Same. Am almost 50. He is never interested. I have never starved him or denied him. He has denied me more than 10 years. Married 29 years

[@domenicoricci5844]

No one should be deprived in a marriage of the love and affection, including physical, that they deserve. It truly is one of the cruelest and sickest things to do to another human being especially when supposedly committing to love them for example in a marriage.... There should be a strict zero tolerance of such behavior...

[@shannonscheffel7366]

It's not sad that you have no interest in another person. I think it shows you have integrity to be faithful to your wife in spite of her wrongdoing.

[@insertwittymonikerhere]

I felt that, we're coming up on 27 years and I've also felt like this for most of it. So frustrating.

[@maggieoshea7660]

I lived in a sexless marriage for 6 years. It was the most painful, lonely, and hurtful situation I've ever dealt with. Being rejected on a daily basis by the one person who is supposed to love and accept you is damaging beyond words. It destroys your sense of self worth and self confidence and creates this pervasive and powerful negative loop in your head that runs non stop. Sometimes I wish something like this had been available for my ex-husband to see before things finally came to a head, but a part of me is glad it wasn't. There was so much damage (done out of hurt, anger and spite) to each other during our marriage that I fully believe it was beyond repair. I really don't think people realize just how much damage it does when you completely shut your partner down consistently.

[@maggieoshea7660]

***** - It's a beautiful thing you're doing. Especially now people are so wrapped up in their own individual bubbles that they forget about how they affect the world around them. We live in a society where we're supposedly more connected by technology, when instead it's allowed us to become even more isolated from each other. Thanks for the reminder to reconnect with each other.

[@micheleweiner-davis5198]

Maggie O'Shea Thanks again. Reconnect.....that's what's really important. You're right! :-)

[@nobody46820]

Yes, they fully realize how much damage it causes, that's the point. They just don't care...........

[@dennisrobinson8008]

@@maggieoshea7660 Hi Maggie, do you have any updates. From 8 years ago you must have recovered?

[@rickj.9202]

I was in a loveless, joyless, sexless marriage for 16 years. She refused to get counseling. She eventually filed for divorce. The situation destroyed me and our three kids. I wish we had seen this.

[@juliad9947]

I'm so sorry to hear that! Was it kinda bad from the beginning or it just deteriorated?

[@JuanitaKainJuanitaKain]

Hello Rick How are you doing

[@EmanuelSoaresSantos]

Im sorry to hear that Rick. hope you are doing well.

[@luisparra8530]

10:20 "The person with the highest desire usually approaches their partners with an open heart and vulnerability..." After 14 years plus of doing this at no avail, I filed in May and received my final decree in December of 2020. Ironically now that I sleep alone, it's not so lonely anymore.

[@scrub3359]

It sounds like the connection you have with yourself is stronger than the one you had with her. Feeling alone while not being physically alone is a horrible place to be, so I am happy you are feeling better now

[@lynnsearle3082]

I left after 12 years. I experienced exactly what you did - once I was alone, I felt less alone. So sad that the other one is so unavailable.

[@johnbecay3859]

my parents, stayed together, never divorced, and were miserable for 40 years. their antagonism was a visceral thing. it was a loveless, sexless marriage, and it affected the kids, and them, to a devastating degree.

[@tanyawadley1822]

That is super sad and a message to all of us that we need to find a way to interrupt the cycle so that it doesn't describe us!

[@johnbecay3859]

@@tanyawadley1822 Amen

[@n.m6249]

Very common in traditionalist society, the most important thing is being married for many years, being happy and fulfilled is not important

[@robnielsen8141]

Lack of sex is sad, but quite common. The lack of non sexual intimacy, the simple loving touch when spurned is deeply painful.

[@warrengwonka2479]

Rob Nielsen yahsureyabetcha!

[@rjaqueline2378]

Rob Nielsen I believe because many are straying outside of marriage

[@nihilisticbarbie]

@@rjaqueline2378 People take their partners for granted

[@chicarobertson4706]

Quite common????

[@MikeJackson690]

@@nihilisticbarbie This. It's not always cheating. It's drifting and talkng each other for granted. I did, she did. It still hurts how she stopped touching me, how she seemingly didn't find me attractive any more. My touches were never reciprocated and I never really found out why. We would go away together and still nothing would happen. I wish we'd had couple's counselling.

[@kat64470]

I’m three years in and speaking with the lawyer today. I’m a woman with needs. He has no interest in meeting them and oh, I’m not to meet them either according to him. He says he will do better, but he never does. Therapy hasn’t worked.

[@travis6224]

Sad to hear. Love is everything. Divorce leaves a wake of destruction for years and the blast radius miles long and deep. I'm certain you'll express yourself clearly next time around as you have over the yrs w/ your spouse.. If your potential spouse understands, they will not be void of "listening" and sharing their intimate feelings esp as a Man. Best...

[@cavelleardiel]

Could there be a physical issue? Poor diet? Stress?

[@lily21dc]

In relationships we do things for others not just for ourselves. Its about giving.

[@archerx68]

One-sided relationship

[@tanyawadley1822]

That is a lovely attitude. When all is said and done, we will stand with greater confidence before God at the end of our lives if we have done our best in giving. Even if our spouse or anyone else may not act in kind, it will be to our credit to have continued to love and give... and maybe even some of the hardest hearts might eventually be softened by such a giver, just as many people have eventually been softened by the perfect love that Jesus has for us.

[@dogman5202]

Rejection does hurt. Hurts so bad that after 25 years of rejection when my wife walks into a room I walk out because of the hurt i feel

[@dennisrobinson8008]

your "whipped" in the situation. Some of them like feeling that power.

[@13yearsaprepperr.jtilbury.51]

My wife is in so much pain from cancer treatment and a major car crash I never mine her saying no ,,,,, You have to have compasion for others ,

[@144Donn]

A brilliant talk, delivered with deft and sensitivity! Many guys feel wrong and are shamed for wanting sex. The description of looking up at the ceiling and feeling alone...I shake my head with disbelief of how long I lived with that feeling. Thank you Michelle for validating so many of my thoughts and feelings.

[@micheleweiner-davis5198]

+144Donn And thank YOU for your kind and thoughtful feedback. I'm glad you feel validated!

[@hamaei123]

Very insightful comment - it is typically men in this position though there are also women who have this awful experience of staring at the ceiling and feeling totally alone while the person you love is right next to them. Brilliant talk indeed and good insight on where to go from there. I hope you are in a better place.

[@DirkHav]

You are right : worldwide 17 women are in that position.

[@Renate.Maria.999]

DirkDucat guess I'm 1 of 17 then

[@deanaskeen6710]

I guess I am one of the 17 too then

[@JoshuaMcTackett]

3:35-4:16 I literally burst out crying because of how real this is. I really hope I can fix this.

[@JoshuaMcTackett]

Update: Things are always improving :) Hang in there (mostly fellas)

[@pinballrobbie]

Married 15 years and so lonely I wish I was dead! Only our adopted son keeps me here.

[@alelectric2767]

You and me both ma man.

[@brucewaldbauer7216]

Work on yourself... when it ends you will be prepared

[@BTmomma]

Wow, this has me crying. My partner hasn't touched me in 5+ years. He, the one time I could get him to talk to me about it, said it's not me and to not take it personally. I've been rejected more times than I can count. I've been told no, ignored, pushed away, and told "just take care of it yourself". I've lost so much sleep over this. I'll lay in bed asking why? Some times the pain is so bad I'll go sleep in the guest room because I can't lay there another second listening to him breathe. The rejection causes a physical, emotional, mental pain. I love him too much to walk away or cheat. I live with this pain each and every day.

[@nickdipaolofan5948]

congratulations, you experience what 80% of husbands experience.

[@alobpreis]

Were you able to talk about that since you commented this?

[@BTmomma]

@@alobpreis still in the same situation. He refuses to talk. I'm still here because despite this issue I do love him.

[@alobpreis]

@@BTmomma I know I'm not more than a random user on KZbin, but you deserve to be happy, to be with someone who cares about you. Why don't you seek for help? Something like Couples therapy, maybe he will hear somebody else? Do not resign to live like that.

[@GodSoLoved.Yeshua]

@@BTmomma You are so loved, Jesus died for you. You are worth the blood of a King. He rose on the 3day, he gives true Peace, love and joy. "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11: 28-30

[@Frumpybeauty]

This is one of the best videos I have ever and probably will ever watch. I cried throughout most of this video because it hit so close to home. Everything you described was me. I didn't realize how much I've been hurting my husband, my argument has always been well its not like I'm getting it somewhere else I'm just not in the mood. I definitely fall in the category that I forget that I like sex. Thank you for this very much needed wake up call!

[@micheleweiner-davis5198]

Wow, Hannah, thanks for your honesty. You are courageous. I hope your husband appreciates you!

[@khuongpham8912]

0985181054 zalo xes

[@life-live-]

How have things been since your realization? I'm interested to hear real life results

[@yeseniapacheco1164]

Me too... I am changing today.

[@dannymack9636]

@@micheleweiner-davis5198 whatvkind of line is that, I hope your husband appreciates you, thier husband and wife, he hung around despite the fact he's rejected every other night, he should get a sainthood for crying out loud. I'll never get married again youse are all frigging crazy. Woman

[@ghold6810]

Wow, I can’t believe this video popped up on my feed. My spouse just told me that he feels rejected a lot and sad. We maybe get intimate once every 7-8 days. I’ll try to do it more, even if I’m not in the mood (low low libido). He deserves it

[@watchmanexpert]

7 to 8 days ? Wow I get intimacy one every 4 to 6 months after 16 years married…. Time for divorce

[@Will-ky9hr]

Once a week is good!

[@thejamescarringtonpodcasts3509]

Do whatever you need to do to retain your marriage.

[@rich8381]

Omg.. the last time I got any was March 3rd. I know because it was my birthday

[@lakmeister]

We don't do anything ever...?

[@OziBlokeTimG]

It's my marriage in a nut shell, have been married twice. Just divorced a few months now. A vow and commitment to one person who just incessantly pushed me away. So painful and destructive on a personal level. I still love her and are friends but best action was the divorce, a relief. Basically happy single, not how I planned life but what ever goes to plan.

[@_sonicfive]

You are friends? I don't know how that can be possible.

[@OziBlokeTimG]

@@_sonicfive Yes, I understand totally that thinking. And parts of me are extremely resentful over many feelings. Hate is a troubling state. Winding back connections to disconnections, The Buddhist thinking of the impermanence of things, attachment etc. We may be an isolated case.

[@OziBlokeTimG]

@@_sonicfive Maybe your right, I'm just dreaming...

[@_sonicfive]

@@OziBlokeTimG not saying you are. And I've seen this before a lot in American culture. I just don't think I could.

[@OziBlokeTimG]

@@_sonicfive Truth is, it's how I dream it could be. Still water to go under the bridge which could get muddy. 🤔

[@seaturtle7777]

I find Michele Weiner-Davis to be highly credible. She avoids all the BS and gets right to the heard of the core, profound relationship issues that impact intimacy.

[@micheleweiner-davis5198]

Thank you very much. I appreciate your feedback.

[@janetgallow9461]

Michele Weiner-Davis BBC

[@elizabethanderson8099]

Michele Weiner-Davis I really enjoyed your talk and wish I could schedule an appointment to see you.

Nothing new here. Man = bad; woman = perfection. Been hearing that for over 50 years now.

[@patriciax3677]

@ wow, you missed a LOT ! and probably have for over 50 years.

[@itsmesandman]

If you constantly withhold the love... That's the meanest thing you can do to your partner.. & that's the downhill for your relationship..

[@joman388]

It may not be the meanest but very close to it.thanks

[@JuanitaKainJuanitaKain]

Hello Saran how are you doing

[@joemontalvo8980]

These are life lessons that everyone should learn, in order to have a good relationship. A great relationship takes work and everyone should know you get out what you put in

[@kyrareneeLOA]

I concur with another post, Michele delivers this with such clarity that I had never heard before. I am Wowed!

[@charlottand]

So many woman including myself, have forced themselves to be willing, too many times while not feeling like doing it, but still hoping that the feeling would get back, only to be increasingly more frustrated and eventually not having any lust left. That ruined my last relationship, and I would have loved to know how we could have worked that out.

[@tracymartin5039]

Thank you for this... I am living this right now and have been for 14 years. My husband has not wanted to touch me and doesn't talk to me either. I am so miserable.

[@micheleweiner-davis5198]

+Tracy Martin Sorry you are going through this! Ask your husband to watch this video. It might help!

[@joym824]

Get divorced. That's so sad!

[@sanobermalhotra6307]

Doesn't talk to you either? Lady just leave him and start afresh. Good Luck.

[@aruvielevenstar3944]

Leave him

[@rexduke967]

Me too

[@rajlaxmiish]

This is one of the most relatable and well explained presentation on such an important but critical aspect of life. Kudos to internet and Ted talk that world across people are getting guidance and councelling.I guess in every marriage this phase comes when we are not able to connect the dots and see through the blind spots. Thanks a million. This is a saviour to me

[@tropicaltracerbirdie2241]

Disconnecting with a person you loved or still love, is very hardening to face. You long for their touch... no, not just a touch, but that loving touch of intimacy that is slowly turning absent in their hands and body, that says silently to you: "I don't love you anymore.". The words can say anything, but the body and heart can never lie, not in that touch. Truth is so difficult to face, in the brutal honesty of loving someone.

[@SeminoleSpaceForce]

This presentation made me think about aspects of my marriage I'd rather ignore cause they make me extremely sad and bitter.

[@CarolinHauser]

Hi Seminole, I am so sorry to hear! Has it gotten better?

[@micheleweiner-davis5198]

Reminder for the day. Low sexual desire isn't about women. Both genders experience this. My talk isn't about men vs. women.

[@tigereagle7837]

There was no mention of deficient hormone levels playing a roll here. It's not always about control or caring. Sometimes it's medical. What's the advice then? Also, no mention of the person not being the same person as who you fell in love with anymore, physically or personality. ?

[@stobi]

Men are designed to spread their seeds. Women are designed to hang onto one provider.

[@wariswrong4920]

@@stobi - Not only that but many women lose their looks more quickly than their partners.

[@lynncharlong3699]

Michele Weiner-Davis thank you so much for the insight you have given me regarding the low libido vs high libido construct. We have walked through most of those examples many times throughout our 40 year marriage. I wonder, had we had this info then, if life would have been more about the intimacy. If. Sharing the heck out of this!! ✨💖✨

[@maurizekamasho5710]

How about work schedules? If one works 65 hours a week and the other 40 or less, does exhaustion has a role with the after work routines of daily life before your time together with the significant other?

[@nthabelengsethole4575]

If feels like punishment, inadequacy and unworthiness...close to you are not important its a lot of pain 💔

[@vampirettagulliver]

Thanks for this. I will make the effort. It is very hard to let go stresses, thoughts, and get in the mood by doing it. Sometimes I just get tired but surely this was helping for me and important to hear. My partner is the starved one. I don't even know how I ended up here. I think I just gave priority to work and took for granted that I never had problems in this area. And then, bam. Happened to me. So thank you for your talk

[@trialnsuffering9731]

How did things work out?