The Sexuality of INFJs

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[@brunodomingues8430]

I am INFJ and I just can’t have sex with someone who I don’t have a deep emotional/spiritual connection. See someone attractive or talk dirty things, just don’t work for me 😅

[@dwdwdwf21]

INFP same

[@theliterarytarot]

As an INFJ and also getting older (41) but also most of my life I haven’t been able to be intimate or involved with someone if there wasn’t a deeply intuitive and spiritual connection. I do feel this strange telepathic bond to anyone I’m serious with and I also think (though straight) I’m sapiosexual so their intelligence is the predominant factor in my attraction, but for me this includes intuitive intelligence, compassion and wisdom.

[@etcwhatever]

Yes. I can't with ignorant people. They should be intelligent and have some special interest they are passionate about. Someone attractive with no brain turns me off 😂

[@acharris]

It seems like INFJs like myself tend to be more likely to be demisexual, sapiosexual, or something in between. In those cases, Ni/Fe (and possibly even Ti) becomes almost the vehicle for sexual attraction and expression. For INFJs, sex and sexuality seem at times to be more of an avenue to connect emotionally/intellectually/spiritually with the INFJs partner(s) I definitely agree that, on average, INFJs tend to be much more private about personal aspects than other types.

[@Coneman3]

I think our reticence to project ourselves, caused largely by lack of Fi (plus the whole not feeling part of society) means we struggle to confidently project our sexuality and are often thought be be asexual. We also tend to absorb societies sexual values (via Fe) even though via Ni and Ti we know those are arbitrary and often not based in truth. Possibly this applies more to male INFJs, at least the sexual confidence part.

[@grumpyschnauzer]

Definitely agree.

[@csguak]

Yep, people think INFJs are asexual when, in reality, INFJs are extremely selective of their partners.

[@Coneman3]

I think the existential alienation and feeling of not being in our bodies plays a big part here (no pun intended lol). Under stress we seek Se which can be via sexual gratification.

[@StephanieJeanne]

That's true.

[@riyajacob2909]

Yes.For us,it helps us land in our body

[@TonyDe-Wynter]

So true! Spent my 30’s like this

[@jazzychazzy007]

Absolutely correct. Often I feel that solitary enjoyment or being wildly promiscuous was an attempt to be in my body. Now if we are talking a romantic relationship that's different, I rarely allow myself to fall in love - that's difficult.

[@mattm.5436]

@@TonyDe-Wynter Rode the Carousel I see.

[@Richard-zm6pt]

I'm very private and affected by religious beliefs or effects on my thinking and behavior. I thought you were going to talk about how INFJs might experience sexuality rather than their openness to discussing it. But, that would be a little over the line, perhaps. I have always had strong attractions, but interpersonally I have not been able to separate sex from romance or sexual activity from my emotions. Impersonal, casual sexual activity was possible in my youth when the motivation was much higher, but even then I was inhibited and reserved. I have never liked discussing sex and avoid revealing anything about my own interests and experiences. So, what relates to being an INFJ? What relates to something else? I was a late bloomer and feel most of my sexual attitudes were learned. I don't know what comes naturally. It's all a little embarrassing. At my current age, I'm apathetic. I don't really care anymore, and if there is a smidgen of interest or care, it's because I'm out of touch with my chronological age in a moment--I'm dreaming on my feet. The mirror is a help to bring me back to reality! Anything INFJ-specific in this? Hope I haven't overshared! Thanks for bringing this up.

[@TonyDe-Wynter]

Casual sex is just sex, I’m really open about it and have unfortunately used it as an addiction in the past. However when it’s ‘connected’ sex it’s amazing! It brings me into the present fully and out of my inner world. Unfortunately I’ve found this out during the course of a nightmare relationship with my ex narcissist! The fallout of which nearly finished me off! The older I get the more ive realised I much prefer chemistry and connectedness than casual flings.

[@TheRealDebbieH]

Because of functional issues possibly? Not sure just possibly? Sometimes I just "feel" the poster. Sometimes the narc calls his victims narcs. It's very common.

[@StephanieJeanne]

In my own life, I've been open with a friend about it when I was younger (teens to 30s), but now I'm pretty private. I will say I think because Se is so difficult for us, sex is ( or can be) the one area where we can thrive in it. It’s much more natural for two bodies to entwine than it is for a person to operate machinery or move around in a space with inanimate objects, etc. Thanks, Ren. It definitely isn't the easiest topic to broach with INFJs or anyone for that matter, but I do think it's important. 😊

[@Coneman3]

Do you mean open in the sense of taking openly about it, or open in actions?

[@StephanieJeanne]

@@Coneman3 I mean talking about it

[@math0_o461]

From what I've observed, I've seen both INFJs that you described in this video. Some exudes a very ethereal almost "purety" vibe too them while others have this strong sensual energy yet it still remains less grounded or as explicit as opposed to high Se users if it makes sense. I've personally found the more sexual INFJs in artistic fields or rather expressionistic areas (maybe 4ish in Enneagram).

[@tiffanyha7831]

Yep, INFJ musician here. I feel like my vibe catches people off guard and they sometimes interpret it as an invitation (to sexualise/objectify me) or as an overshare (in which case they feel uncomfortable and try to change the subject). My sensuality is something I can turn up or down but sometimes I’m not aware of it. The times I have been on the other side of this dynamic (caught off guard by others’ sexual openness) have been with high Se types or other INFJs 🤭

[@mariazamora4595]

I am a very spiritual person. In order to change and evolve, I had to break the chains of what was hurting me. From my perspective and experience labels only generate limitations. I work hand in hand with my essence, identity and personality type, in order to be who I want to be. I’m a single woman, this does not mean that I’m lesbian or demisexual, also I don’t like casual relationships. Being highly spirituality mean you work with both energies masculine and femenine. To stand in your power: masculine energies, you have to play with energies, in order to have a balance between energies. Being spiritually and highly sensitive allows you to go beyond yourself, allows you to have the most deepest and meaningful relationships. I practice a lot of wisdom in my life: stoicism, taoísm, etc From my perspective it depends on values, what you want and who you are.

[@aled9998]

Very interesting video Renaud. I'm single right now as an INfJ. Reserved and private. But sexual desire, imagination and expressing myself in an abundant fashion in that sense still a big driver for me! Currently anticipating new sexual experiences with younger women before long! I'mI late 5Oies by the way. Love your videos. Hou are helping us UNFJ's so much..Blessings from Wales..🏴󠁧󠁢󠁷󠁬󠁳󠁿

[@Vivi_Chan1111]

I'm an INFJ and Enneagram 5, I can totally relate with that

[@PixieBrunerPoet]

Demi/sapiosexual here. Sex is spiritual to me and a loss of boundaries. I also have issues with Se when in grip reactions or Ni/Ti loops. My INFP partner is more introverted, ethereal and aloof and I can’t read him still. It’s challenging. INFJ intimacy is lifeblood and Se is a sacrament or an escape, usually. It all depends on how open I’m willing to be to my Se. It overwhelms me. Yay/Grrrrr

[@xavierdomenico]

This is actually a topic I’ve been secretly dying for you to speak about. In my personal experience, our tangible “weirdness” paired with our natural inclination to be reserved about our personal lives has always led people to speculate about my sexuality- for better or for worse. Our ability to mask socially, adjust ourselves to our audience, and choose which information we think people should hear all contribute to this. People attribute this to a lack of honesty, and being a college-aged person nothing is more captivating to others than criticizing other people. Oftentimes it is frustrating feeling like people simply can’t accept our existence as an independent person and instead always having people try and box us into some conventional societal standard. People who couldn’t care less about me (and vice versa) have obsessed at any attempts to grind me down to my core and point out any pattern that might place me with a certain demographic- in this case “straight”, “bi”, “gay”. Most of the world operates in a lens of black and white since that is easier than identifying different shades of grey. It’s just weird to me that these thoughts permeate peoples’ brains. After I broke up with my then girlfriend, I never had so many inquiries into my sexuality. It’s just plain WEIRD. Leave me tf alone, you don’t need this information. I couldn’t imagine going around probing peoples private lives in their face. It’s an invasion of privacy, and ultimately it is up to the targeted individual to make decision regarding themselves.

[@xavierdomenico]

Additionally, our desire to connect with others and be part something transcending individuality leads this to be a sort of crisis for the INFJ. How to combat criticisms of your personality yet not comprising internal peace of mind?

[@rolinapainter8874]

I think coming from a different generation, .I was NEVER asked my sexual persuasion. (Does this word persuasion date me?) I agree, it’s personal. I’m glad I was never asked. I am extremely private about it, but being FE I now feel whatever I feel is somehow communicated, maybe unfortunately. I can’t even talk about it with my best friend and partner for 20 years.

[@xavierdomenico]

@@rolinapainter8874 I agree, I am terrible at hiding how I feel about things around people that know me- even if I don't explicitly say anything.

[@ZeddicusAWR]

It's interesting reading your thoughts. I have friends that don't know me at all, but think they do. It's so odd to realize you deceived people without ever meaning to. But I instantly adapt to my company, becoming whoever I need to be in order to make them comfortable and doing my best to not utterly embarrass myself... I hate the loop of things I say, coming back to haunt me in those awful moments of severe-self-criticism.

[@mariagusman6949]

Additionally, I think at least for myself, that Fe becomes incredibly intertwined with Ni which gives it a spiritual/emotional level. Se for me is not that much of a factor.

[@alyxea6579]

I think it’s a very interesting topic to discuss, even as a quite private infj. Curiously, i feel like i have a lot to say, because for a very long time, during my early teenage years, i was feeling very ashamed about my sexuality. It was the ultimate taboo for me, certainly because i was judging myself and thinking that my thoughts and behaviour wasn’t normal and if anyone discovered that part of me, everyone would be disgusted…. But really nothing happened, it was all in my head :’) I think being a girl doesn’t help when it comes to discovering your sexually, because it’s still pretty much a taboo for girls… Ironically, it’s the opposite for boys, it’s encouraged. So yeah, i feel like the quite reserved ones, even if i’m feeling a lot better now as i became a young adult and as i understood that i had noting to be ashamed about. Also I though about the way i connect with Se. I always wonder why my first sexual experience has almost disappeared from my memory, i thought about the fact that i was maybe not quite ready and as a result, not really experiencing. This feeling still happened sometimes, i find it quite hard to be in the moment and stay in that state enough long. But i noticed that sometimes, it help a lot to just let my imagination run free. But maybe at some cost of some frustration because Ni ideals are often unattainable… Feelings are obviously very primordial too. I certainly helps to be back in the monent, so then all the sensations comes easier i think

[@ZeddicusAWR]

I fall into the second type you mentioned. I am very confident, talk freely, but only with my partner. I'm more reserved, and prefer not to discuss intimacy outside my relationship. But I do have a high drive, and it has been an issue in the past. Arguments, because I crave more affection and want more than is on offer on a particular day... Overall, though, I try to be as cooperative and a team player as much as I can, because most of all I want harmony and to keep things civil. I tried not to be too revealing here, lol, because I feel uncomfortable sharing too much. But if it helps someone else, or makes another person feel they aren't alone -- then sharing was worth it.

[@HillyHonka]

I have noticed that I have become more open with expressing my sexuality as I’ve gotten older. I used to be more private. However, in my spiritual journey over the last 5-10 years, I have become more liberated and open in expressions in general. I won’t say I’m completely comfortable talking to a perfect stranger about it or even in a bigger group, but in one on one situations or maybe a small group of 2 or 3, I am open to the discussion

[@muma6559]

Same. I come from a very conservative background, very much so, but I'm very comfortable talking about sexuality, as long as its respectful not crude or silly cheap jokes

[@HillyHonka]

@@muma6559, to me, discussions of a sexual nature can be just as wholesome as any other topic, if handled with maturity and respect. As adults, I don’t think such a topic should be considered as taboo as some try to make it out to be. We should feel safe and free to discuss our sexuality openly with one another, without fear of discrimination or condemnation

[@muma6559]

@@HillyHonka do you think infj are comfortable disagreeing with same sex

[@HillyHonka]

@@muma6559, I think it depends on the factors that the person is faced with and their own individual character. If they feel pressure from their peers to prioritize harmony, they might be less inclined to disagree. But if they have adopted more of a “agree to disagree” mentality, they might not have a problem disagreeing with same sex and publicizing their own views. Of course, there is a big difference with disagreeing based on individual values and personal lifestyle choices and stating that you believe something is universally immoral. I, personally think individual lifestyle choices shouldn’t be up for scrutiny amongst a community. As I always say, as long as someone isn’t causing real harm to another, I see nothing wrong with having the freedom to choose your own lifestyle. Whether or not I choose that lifestyle myself or agree with the morality of it is personal to me and I never want to impose that belief on another. To me, that is clearly crossing the boundary of personal freedom

[@muma6559]

@@HillyHonka well, even stating that one's opinion feels it's universally immoral is an opinion and belief, which everyone is free to have. And stating why they think it's harmful is not wrong. None of us are perfect and pointing out where there is harm should not be frowned upon nor attacked. Good people alert you to harm. Don't they ?

[@anders3516]

As a good INFJ I not only confuse people, but also manage to throw other INFJs for a loop. I grew up in an American evangelical community, which had to benefit of legitimitizing spiritual dialogue but at the cost of shaming and hypocrisy. This had a disembodying affect on me. On the other hand, my family originally came from Scandinavia so I grew up with casual nudity and an acceptance of sex as natural, healthy and grounded. I now see the body as a spiritual vehicle which can entail casual comfort with naked strangers, hugging an old tree of sensing the rays of sunshine straight into my pores after a period of grayness. Despite my inherent need for acceptance and belonging, I've come to accept that most people think of me as belonging to the "other" orientation or homeland. In my old age of 61 I've learned to be home right here, right now with you despite my wierdness, and all is well.

[@anisanancy6459]

Hey ren , a lot of people talk about how certain ennea types can never be combined with a certain mbti types.i wanted to know what are your thoughts about this

[@AlisolteAllGrownUp]

Hm. This is an interesting one. I suppose I would say I am super super private and also super super sensual. I'm not sure where that falls? Probably the third one you mentioned. I do not talk overtly about sex with anyone but my partner, though. Never have, never will. Those conversations give me the ick.

[@yellow_jacket3260]

I think when it comes to the topic of sex, the only thing I can really say without it getting weird is that it does show that even if INFJ's have inferior Se, they indeed have Se in their stack, and sex shows that they do, at least from my own personal experience. In terms of Sexuality, I notice that a lot of fellow INFJ's claim that they are demisexual or asexual, which is interesting, given that I am heterosexual, perhaps sex is seen as sort of a place of shame in the eyes of INFJ's, because of how intimate and how it is unfortunately used by some folks. I wonder if the notion of sexuality causes a bit of discrepancy or strife when it comes to how the INFJ feels about themselves, and how that plays within their own identity, although I don't speak on the behalf of those who are disinterested in it.

[@sutiszorny8039]

I am hypersexual, but I think it's just Se-grip stress.

[@Coneman3]

Male or female?

[@sutiszorny8039]

@@Coneman3 Nope.

[@michelgreycoaching]

My past self can relate, haha.

[@ZeddicusAWR]

I can relate. I'm very addicted to my partner. And I can never get enough pillow time... It's kind of annoying though, and since I don't use drugs, or drink liquor (black coffee is my go-to), it's not always ideal to be disadvantaged by blinding desire...

[@muma6559]

@@ZeddicusAWR Go Zed !

[@ashtemplemusic]

In my younger years i had a lot of casual sex but i never did it sober. I was definitely hypersexual for a time while caught in Se grip. It caused quite significant damage in my life actually. But i loved the opportunity to become so intimate and connected to essentially a stranger. I know i should not be admitting to any of this but its true. I have paid my dues and dealt with some damaging consequences from that behavior so i don't really need anyone's judgement. But being invited into someone's bedroom and getting to see their morning routine before work, how they live their life, being able to give/provide something that makes someone else feel so good, becoming so intimate with a stranger, i found it to be completely addictive.

[@boblossie3192]

All great to hear and right on point.

[@mariagusman6949]

100% Demisexual.

[@GenRN]

ENTP here and I have a date coming up with an INFJ. We dated 6 years ago, had a strong sexual connection. I broke it off, married someone else, now separated and going to see this INFJ again. He is very much planning to not let me go again and certain we are destined for each other. I feel like he thinks the strong sexual connection means long term love. Maybe he knows something I don’t?

[@muma6559]

of course... you're an ENTP, you don't have better understanding of anything long term than an INFJ. ENTP really need someone who has long range vision. If INFJ can't see a long drive, they won't turn the engine on. Yes, he does know things you don't. Respect each other. You going to have an INFJ man, you lucky soul ! How did your date go??

[@ericduff6768]

I think it's interesting that we talk about INFJ and Se, but very little about Si. I'm in a relationship with an INFP (Si) and am aware that he is much more connected to his body than I am. I still struggle to understand what I "want.". He knows what he wants and feels, whereas I struggle with both. With regard to sexuality, he is the exhibitionist, I am the voyeur. This makes sense in terms of Si versus Se.

[@ShizuruNakatsu]

I've been in this body for almost 31 years and haven't even kissed someone yet. I've made it a point for my entire life that I would never waste these things on a random person that I don't intend to stay with forever.

[@mastery247]

I understand you. But you should try and put yourself out there. Don't forget you need to develop some skills for the benefit of your special person.

[@colleenmitchell5208]

Infj's may have a higher regard for sex than society does, even though we are private yes, in my case I do think it's important. However not to be given just to anyone. It's like giving a piece of your soul so must be careful who it's given too.

[@muma6559]

absolutely true ! Even when i was young i could never understand why the sexual jokes. We have a maturity when it comes to sex

[@grumpyschnauzer]

I don’t know but my partner (INTP) knows if I seem to be getting a bit crabby he must check the checklist: Is she hungry? Is she sleepy? Has she been out to play in the last 24-48 hours? Has she been given water or coffee recently? How long has it been since she has had sex or “connected” on that level? Is there a sensory threat to look out for or prevent? Has she received quality time or intellectual banter to feed the relationship? Works every time. I also get made fun of for being “too private”. It’s definitely “a thing” in our relationship.

[@muma6559]

That's nice, you gave him a list.. lol. Sorry, it's not a list, it's the list

[@michelgreycoaching]

This was a very "private" video about how private INFJs are when discussing their sexuality, hehe. From my perspective, it's not just about how inferior Se informs our relationship to the body or the present moment, it's also about how many "good opportunities for experience" that we get. It's likely to be much less than SPs because our lens of attention is always going to be one of Ni abstraction. And with Fe's needs also, requiring an other / relationship to understand the self more, and being sensitive to and internalizing the values of whatever particular society, upbringing, environment, etc. we were brought up in and exposed to. Because the INFJs natural orientation of value is towards the spiritual, they would need good Se opportunities for sexual experiences and relationships + probably some genetic predisposition to high sexuality + Fe conditioning that normalizes talk and practice of sexuality as well as strong desirability in a social order to really override the fact that we have the tendency to be observers and miss out on life experiences due to Ni. For me, I notice an Se desire, openness and ease with being naked and with physical touch but only if Fe connection, intimacy, and harmony are established. Otherwise, it's like Se stuff has a "haziness" (😉) about it that I just can't get to no matter how hard I try. If I reach it, I look clumsy and out of place and inauthentic (feedback that I've received from past partners). Fe has to be satisfied first, and of course the conditions for that Fe are quite specific due to my needs. This is why I prefer being supported by professionals in the form of a massage (and have considered hiring a cuddle specialist or other specialists in these realms) to get my needs met but not have to "wait" for Fe conditions to be met by a non-professional relationship. I believe this in large contrast to dominant society (sensors, high Se/Ne users) that usually doesn't require any sort of "clear, defined relationship" to engage in sexual/bodily activity.

[@Coneman3]

I think our love and need for beauty makes us easily find sex a bit too ugly and basic. Add overthinking and we can easily put ourselves off. Ni expects too much from sex. As a youth I was very shy and hated dancing. Well dancing is a lot like sex, so it didn’t feel natural even though I had a normal healthy sex drive. I have always found it easier to think of sex in more animalistic ways, rather than in romantic or loving ways.

[@michelgreycoaching]

@@Coneman3 Thanks for sharing a bit about your thoughts and experience. This hasn't been my relationship with sex at all. As I alluded to in my initial comment, for me, Fe connection, intimacy, and reciprocity "beautifies" and "meaningfies" sex enjoyable enough and makes access to Se reality possible, fluid and enjoyable. I also love music and dancing and find it to be natural. Sex in its common demonstration can certainly be "animalistic", for sure.

[@Coneman3]

I’m deeply into music but not dancing. Almost can’t see the appeal of dancing at all. I’m pretty good at most sports I’ve played and I do weight training, so it’s not that I’m not into music or not physical in general. Just don’t like dancing. Never felt like it.

[@mikicerise6250]

Yeah, I'm still trying to figure out if he talked much about sexuality at all, or just about not talking about sexuality. 😅 I'm wondering if my INFJ notices how much he turns me on sometimes with his words. He's just a gorgeous, deep, loving soul. I'm also wondering if he would find that off-putting. I don't want to scare him away so I kind of just smile a lot lol. I'm INFP, demi/sapiosexual, bi/pansexual. I'm potentially attracted to many body types, but 99% of the time the attraction is just off because I'm attracted to very few of the minds that inhabit those bodies. I suppose I don't mind talking about it if it comes up, I mean here I am, though getting into detail I would hesitate more.

[@mikicerise6250]

@@michelgreycoaching Yeah, I feel like you about sex. Ideally, anyway. But I don't find most people approach it that way, so in practice I'm sexually averse most of the time.

[@dang6979]

Is there anything sexier than working Se and Fe; being fully present and fully feeling? Ladies, help me out here.

[@muma6559]

no, there isn't

[@camillachristinenorveganus161]

Infp me is sapio-demisexual❤🤗

[@dwdwdwf21]

same

[@willistaylor4077]

Sexuality has been a Very Difficult thing...: 🌈&Christian.

[@claudiamanta1943]

A form of religion- induced trauma… There are a few good videos on KZbin about this- maybe you will find some peace.

[@amyj.4992]

I am overtly sexual with my significant other spirit man 😄💕 and I'm female 😜, and I was brought up to respect sex from a multicultural family. Part of breaking my family curse, is by getting married first before having children and I'm divinely called to only have sexual relations in a long term commitment not with friends for benefits

[@allens30]

Hi, the topic is indeed interesting, but in the first part of the video, you turn around the same argument. which made me lose focus and interest in the matter. It seems to me as if you were avoiding deepening into the subject and keeping it "private" by just stating that INFJ is private about that subject.

[@jesuschristthesecond]

why don't I show you about the sexuality of INFJs Ren?

[@Alberich_Fafner]

Halbe Bibel