The truth about unwanted arousal | Emily Nagoski

[@SaumyaSharma]

"My genitals do not tell you what I want, or like. I do." Powerful, relevant, important.

[@boslyporshy6553]

Your body begs to differ.

[@Darkstar198]

March twentysixes: I could've told you that. Without all the scientific explaination.

[@OfAngelsAndAnarchist]

Nice, you hit alll the buzzwords !

[@woodstockbrandonb]

They sort of do, though.

[@naughtynyte3086]

Same happens with men.

[@AnikoMikes]

Her conclusion about the child rape case had me weeping, as someone who was molested as a child and has carried around so many confused emotions about what happened. She's absolutely right. These conversations and these speeches are healing.

[@marthajohnson3250]

Indeed! I know. It happened the same to me 🌻

[@Just1MoreVoice]

I care that this happened to both of byou and see your strength in sharing your experience.

[@DarthKenobius]

I get this, I have been screamed at by a woman because I refused her advances. She stated that I was being dishonest because I was aroused. I tried to explain that my penis doesn't care about the fact that she had a boy friend even though my brain does.

[@scottgreen132]

#metoo

[@smileyface702]

Thanks for sharing your story. Not enough men talk about this kind of thing.

[@lmsalim]

thanks for sharing this. women can be perpetrators of this phenomenon as well, and since male arousal is so much more external, it's easier to notice it and therefore use it. women definitely experience a lot more coercion, but that doesn't mean we should ignore that men do as well.

[@poppyorangeflower]

Bravo, sir!

[@clsisman]

I am so sorry you had that experience. You probably know this already but just in case nobody has told you this because you have a penis and people with those "never get abused", what you experienced is a special blend of sexual harassment and gaslighting and it takes some getting over. I hope you can be kind to yourself about it now.

[@mylittlejellybaby]

When I was 19, I was violently raped and I felt so much shame because my body failed me because i orgasmed. I felt disgusted by what happened and I still cringe but I knew it was just a reaction to sexual stimulation and after I've watched this video I feel reassured that's the truth. It's an inspiring video and having the scientific knowledge also helps this video have more power to the message it states.

[@barbecuedsimsbaby]

I'm sorry to hear about what happened, you are very strong for speaking up about this and I hope that you are doing better! 😊

[@kavitasinghchauhan8555]

I am so sorry to hear this. Your vagina responded to protect itself from the process. you should be proud of yourself cause u a fighter.

[@helalmujahid7012]

Don't feel ashamed. I want to know about this matter

[@Catlily5]

@@helalmujahid7012 If you make comments like that you appear to be a sexu@l predator.

[@billfaint6736]

You responded in the only way your body could. YOU HAVE NOTHING TO FEEL ASHAMED ABOUT.

[@rain-gx1lj]

as someone with OCD that includes this, this is so important. as a society we don't talk abt this enough, but we should all be aware of it 💜💜💜💜

[@minecraftfanaaron]

Ok, can someone tell me whats wrong with this? All she is saying is that body responses do not necessarily mean consent since you cannot control them (example your mouth watering when you bite into a bad apple doesnt mean you like the apple), and that you should just listen to what your partner says, and people are calling her a femnazi? This isnt even about women or men, this goes for both genders..

[@celebritymurderparty]

Aaron Lustig it may be because she appears to be "syndromising" biological \ subconscious arousal in an attempt to separate desire from conscious intent, I.e. like a closeted homosexual who is in a state of denial where their conscious mind regards their arousal as unwanted. The knock on effect of this is a move away from a primal state of being in the moment, to a second hand detached state, like a kind of derealisation \ alienation from the body. This abstraction ushers in a kind of contractual basis for human relations - the app \ contract for consent and so forth - where interpersonal relations are mediated or held at a distance by some third party.

[@MyStratega]

People coming in with preconceived notions about videos just to confirm their biases, nothing new under the sun. Don't spend too much time on the internet, you'll lose your mind.

[@thesquishedelf1301]

celebritymurderparty So... following your logic asexuals don’t exist. Thanks. 👎

[@rhiisamirrorball]

celebritymurderparty The point is if someone says no but their body say yes listen to that person and if their body says no but they say yes again listen to the person. It's really not that hard.

[@JasonMcCarrell]

@@celebritymurderparty She explicitly mentioned the gray zone, where if consent was given earlier and everyone is happy, then further "contracts" aren't necessary. Just have fun. However if someone does say "no" or "I don't know" or "im not feeling it" maybe reconsider and keep communicating. Obviously in that case something isn't right. Essentially... stop conflating the solution to the problem. Making sure both parties listen and comprehend doesn't kill spontaneity and nothing needs to be said; so stop pretend like there are FBI at your door ready to pounce and instead realize no one cares as long as your not a coercive, go have fun! (if you're worried about being coercive. You probably are too coercive, because doing weird, even seemingly unsafe things is possible for consenting adults without worrying about a lack of consent, because we know how to communicate if need be.)

[@rozamunduszek4787]

People using your body's reactions to "prove" that what you're saying isn't true IS NOT exclusively sexual! Case in point: 1. "Stop tickling me!" "Why? You're laughing - you like it!" 2. "Why are you sad?" "I'm not" "Do you have allergies then?" "No I don't" "Then you must be sad if you cry. What happened" "Nothing happened, I'm not sad. Sometimes I just cry" "Oh come on something MUST have happened, you can't cry for no reason!"

[@Apostate_ofmind]

jesus christ take all of my likes, everybody needs to see this I often 'cry' (tear up, but without the redness and heat to the face of true crying) Before going to sleep, when i relax, i often wonder if i would be able to do that if i wasnt alone.... and for the tickling, it enrages me that just because i would maybe laugh people might think im having fun, when actually its painful...

[@cestlavegan5793]

Rozamunduszek I like being tickled sometimes. That is all

[@rozamunduszek4787]

c'est la vegan that's beside the point. The thing is that lots of people don't like being tickled and yet people ignore their words and may ntains that their laughter "proves" that they like it despite of what they're saying.

[@cestlavegan5793]

Rozamunduszek Are there people who actually laugh when they're being tickled, despite that they are in agony? When I was a child, and an adult would pin me down and tickle me, I laughed until I reached a threshold. At that point I would resort to screaming, no more laughter. Not saying everyone is like me, just that it's hard to imagine someone laughing while experiencing suffering.

[@rozamunduszek4787]

c'est la vegan yes, most people. I can't not laugh when I'm being tickled and there's absolutely no part of being tickled that I enjoy even slightly, laughing is as involuntary as sneezing or any other knee-jerk reaction.

[@ivoryliving]

Finally! Someone who gives a scientific basis with persuasive appeal. That's what makes it stick! Thank you so much!

[@TeddyKrimsony]

That's not scientific! to be scientific it has to be measured with instrumentations under controlled environment and have the data then compared and analyzed. please stop dragging the science into your politics.

[@ivoryliving]

Theodoяe Kяap Well actually Emily is a scientist and she stated scientific facts and I didn't say anything about my politics.

[@hive_indicator318]

Shouldn't EVERYONE drag science into their politics? It's the other way around that's bad.

[@erilgaz]

That's not scientific! to be scientific it has to be measured with instrumentations under controlled environment Ideally yes, but for many sciences including Geology, Astronomy, Sociology and Psychology; it isn't always possible to construct controlled environments around your experiments. Thus, we rely on surveys, interviews, questionares,

[@Competitive_Antagonist]

I'm sure this has been measured with instruments. It would at least be rather easy to do. Measure penis blood flow while performing an fMRI of the brain and find suitable trigger. Sorry, I just had to drag some science into this.

[@benvin10365]

Arousal Nonconcordance needs to be part of every high school Health class especially in discussions regarding consent. Also, this video should be watched by every judge, juror, attorney, and police officer.

[@MrKago1]

I suspect the vast majority of law enforcement already gets this since they have to be educated. The problem isnt the law professionals in the court, it's the 12 people who make the ultimate decision that don't understand this. Not sayin law enforcement doesn't have bad apples though. But your first suggestion absolutely should be taught in high schools. Instead we get half assed attempts by teachers who are terrified of being accused of something by parents, kids who have utterly no discipline, and parents who can't be bothered.

[@AubreyJM]

Exactly.

[@cryora]

This just makes it easier to charge men with rape because it then becomes easier to argue you never gave consent. "Sure I was yelling yeah give it to me baby, but that was just my physiological reaction, I did not actually want it." A video like this would also be biasing the jury towards the accuser's side. Keep in mind that it is the accused who is at risk of having their lives ruined, and accusers will do whatever they can to compel others, including covering up their own mistakes and intentions. In many cases, by this more ambiguous standard, neither side gave proper consent, but who do you think people are going to believe: the man or the woman? Who do you think is more likely to be thrown in jail? If anyone, this video should be shown to Joe Biden.

[@cryora]

@Start Quest A girl may desire one thing because she's aroused, but simultaneously desire another because she is embarrassed. How then do you define what is desire? When a person has conflicting emotions, how do you choose which emotion reflects that person's true emotions and which do not, if at all? Bias? In the court of law, yes, that's what seems to happen because a girl does not want to admit she had desires, so she will argue she had no desire at all and it was straight up rape without consent. See how that works? How you feel about a past event now affects what you claim about your desires then. If there is any grey area, one can tip the claim to the more convenient story. Heck, girls do complete 180s even when there was no grey area to begin with. Take Julian Assange for example. They couldn't charge him for publishing the stories so the switched the charge to hacking (which they have yet to prove). Why? Because the latter charge does not have a legal defense, allowing his arrest to be made. This is how persecution and the legal system works. People accuse crimes more severe than what occurred just to get the police on you and trap you in the first place. The police doesn't need proof before going after you, just a phone call and a good sob story and convincing drama. You are already penalized before any judicial decision. Additionally, if more punishment is demanded, more punishment is pursued. Maximize the severity of the accusation and the punishment demanded, regardless of the accuracy or the reasonability. That's how you persecute someone. How do you protect a man whom becomes a victim of a false accusation given the worst case scenario? The line of reasoning promoted by this speaker only makes such a man more vulnerable.

[@perfumaphilia3246]

And every politician.

[@reptilebrain4719]

I'm so happy this talk exists. I'm asexual and I've been told so many times that if I feel arousal, I must be sexually attracted to someone. I knew that wasn't true but I had nothing to back up my thoughts with. Thank you Emily Nagoski ❤❤❤

[@thesquishedelf1301]

reptilebrain Yeah, I’ve had the same problem. It’s really nice having something like this that helps validate being ace.

[@Dragonofshame]

Umm

[@Dragonofshame]

K

[@estherbrennan5798]

Wow I didn’t think of it like that!

[@akashhan9677]

What's asexual?

[@darkoshmarko]

From a female perspective this was really eye opening for both myself and in thinking about men I have been with. This is definitely an issue that goes both ways and is absolutely worth listening to. I hope people will take the time to listen instead of simply reading the time and making a judgement.

[@guitarman0365]

it for sure goes both ways....a physical reaction to stimulus is never an indication of mental excitement or acceptance. Take a rectal exam for instance lol It is almost a cruel joke by nature that the male equivalent to the g spot is located where it is for us. However the point is even though mentally you are put off by it by having some dude with his finger up in you doing an exam, physically you still cannot help but respond to that stimulus make for an awkward moment. The penis says "ohhh somebody wants to play" while the brain says " abort mission!! abort mission!!"

[@curlzOdoom]

I am under the belief that if this knowledge was more widely known, that we would find the 1 in 6 men statistic is actually closer to the 1 in 3 women statistic.

[@shy8054]

guitarman0365 thats a great example.

[@TrevCraig]

Many men will admit that they have little control over their on/off switch down there. Morning wood is neither myth nor constrained to mornings.

[@erumaaro6060]

It's related to low blood-pressure i believe... not even close to stimulus.

[@marcelocasimiroqueirozecos5184]

"Listen to her words." Best advice ever given.

[@SkythontheBrony]

*their

[@marcelocasimiroqueirozecos5184]

Indeed.

[@SkythontheBrony]

:)

[@jo31b]

Obviously you have never spoken to a woman. The words of a woman are often not related at all to how she feels. She will say one thing and then get upset with you when you listen to her words instead of what she means.

[@unusunus4613]

Troll Guy obviously you've never had a normal conversation with a woman. It's only specifically when we're upset that we might say "we're fine" when we're not. Who wants to spill the details of how we got broken up with or our mental state to someone we're not actually close to? During any other situation or scenario we're not going to say the opposite of what we mean. I'm very convinced you've never had a close female friend in your life.

[@That_Ozian]

APPLAUSE FOR LUBE

[@poodychulak]

One more like guys... Also my personal mantra, "With enough lube, anything is possible."

[@OneFingerYT]

Thank you, lube. Thank you.

[@manfredschmalbach9023]

Problem is, she usually does not like where the lube thingy might lead at ...

[@adriandlobo]

What kind of lube

[@talmadgebradley8504]

I think that it's more than 1 in 6 men. You didn't include male responses enough, and the fact that a man/guy/boy can get an erection, even if they totally despise the female/person that they are in the company of. Even moreso than the woman that becomes wet, if a guy develops an erection, it is assumed that he definitely "wants it". Also, no matter how much times have changed, most guys do not want to be shamed by the accusation, "What? Are you gay or something?"

[@EzAnderson]

As a survivor or childhood and adulthood sexual abuse this really resonated with me. But also as a mother breastfeeding her twin babies who experiences unwanted arousal from time to time and who struggles with it immensely this also resonates with me. This isn’t something I want but it happens and there’s a physiological reason behind. So hard to come to terms with and forgive my body for what I feel is like a betrayal.

[@guiguspi]

I'm sorry you had to experience this conflit, and glad you now have the knolodge to deal with it in a healthy way.

[@damiensouth1160]

I'm glad this gave you some insight. You can't control how you body responds to stimulus and I hope you are never ashamed or upset by something you now know you can't control. I actually freaked out and had to study up when my wife and I had our son and he would develop erections when she breast fed him, I didn't even know a baby was capable of doing so.

[@luceret]

I'm sure you know this, but what you're experiencing is not uncommon. I'm so glad this helped you come to terms with it.

[@ileanabanana8254]

@Emily my mom admitted she felt that way once with one of my siblings and that my dad suggested she stop, I believe it is normal and you shouldn't feel guilty as it is a physiological response but maybe try again if you are comfortable and if not there is no shame in bottle feeding. My mom was able to continue breast feeding with no problem and that wasn't even her first baby it was her third.

[@kryptobraty]

It's such a great time we live in where we can talk about these things so that there is less suffering in the world. I'm grateful for the Emily's that want to discuss things we avoid or don't know how to or who with. I hope you continue to forgive yourself, and continue not to punish yourself because you didn't do anything wrong. You are not at fault.

[@andromedacarina]

Thank you. I spent 19 years ashamed and doubting myself, and not allowing myself to call my experience assault, because I was physically aroused even as I was saying no and trying to push him away. My body responded even as my mind and mouth said no, until I felt beaten back and unable to keep saying no because of the physiological 'evidence'. After watching this talk, I was able to finally tell someone about my assault after 19 years, then was able to tell my story in a devised theatre performance, and in turn had others thank me for sharing it. I was so terrified, but was set free by finally understanding what I went through, and telling others.

[@sci-fiworld6729]

You're so strong, thank you for speaking up and telling your story ❤ As this ted talk changed your life, your story may have changed someone's life too

[@jay1jayf]

CAP

[@Beatness121]

Man tough crowd, so many jokes that got no reaction. Great speech though!

[@danielsilva9502]

She lacked a bit of confidence and didn't have a very good comedic timing. I liked the talk, though. It got a bit cringy when she tried to joke.

[@breadmoneyarchival]

That's just the way that the audio is recorded. It's the same way for a bunch of TED talks

[@DuelCitizen]

Carlos is right. if you listen carefully you can hear them reacting.

[@BlackJester57]

I disagree that she lacked the confidence or timing. I'm more inclined to believe it was a technical issue that made it seem that way.

[@SSJKenpachiZaraki]

the mic picks up on the speaker more than the audience while they're talking. It happens all the time in ted talks and it's not unusual to think no one is laughing

[@vikkiledgard8483]

I am a survivor. And this lady is fantastic and, now, in my top five heroes. ♥️♥️♥️

[@AvgJane19]

GG it was pretty clear they were referring to sexual assault.

[@Effervescenz]

I feel sad to see people using language like "wtf" to someone who is courageous enough to share that they are survivors of a traumatic experience. We all need to learn virtues like "empathy" and "compassion" and be gentle with our expressions.

[@notsafeformiranda4271]

People are being so disrespectful but know that that is out of their own stupidity and ignorance. You are strong, brave, resilient and loved and don't let these trolls change that. Keep talking about this and raising awareness, you're doing great!

[@Effervescenz]

I feel cringy reading and writing to a person who uses derogatory nd insensitive words like "SJW freak shows" and "wtf" and "did she get raped".

[@Effervescenz]

I believe we must stay open minded and hearted with gentleness when somebody shars any experience that dishonoured or violated them. Whether we understand and agree with them or not. It is not our job to judge or condemn them.

[@catherine_404]

That's actually a good speech! Rare these days. It's good, first, because it's made of science, and that's right the material I want to see in TED, second, it's inspiring and useful, which just makes it better. I don't want to see "inspirational" stuff which doesn't have any solid scientific foundation.

[@BriPer1992]

While I respect that you value science, inspiration comes from the creative, hopeful part of our mind, I think... based on science, but striving to always reach for more. Nothing wrong with that. Inspiration is ALWAYS welcome here.

[@JLConawayII]

It's literally made of science! \o/

[@Reason1717]

CatherineZ, if you had not written this fine post of yours I would have said the same thing, but not as well as you.

[@siahsiah3000]

What are you talking about you don't want to see inspirational stuff ted isn't about one thing or another it is about the spreading and acceptance of knowledge to decide that only one type of ted talk is the right type of ted talk is dumb and kind of short sighted.

[@shelbyregisterrn108]

So the man who spoke about his sexual abuse as a child that inspired other men to talk about their own sexual abuse had no merit here? Many men were commenting how much they appreciated it. As a medical professional I have a passion for science. But EVERYONE needs inspiration as much as scientific data. You do realize all scientific data started as some form of inspiration.

[@natashasc9529]

I was giggling at so many little jokes throughout this, and the audience was so stale. She handles it with such grace and kept her confidence, and I think it really shows how comfortable she is with being uncomfortable and how the audience was super uncomfortable. Which was her point. The fact nobody was comfortable enough to laugh at the start but could applause lube at the end was pretty great to watch and it’s an important conversation to have, great way of delivering it. There are going to be people who leave that room with a new perspective for sure.

[@taylorpovah]

THIS TALK IS SO RELEVANT. I am a nursing student and we just recently covered the topics of rape, abuse, and sexual violence. Although we covered mostly nursing interventions in the lecture, there were a lot of misunderstandings as to why these patients are so adamant about not reporting the violence and refusing treatment. BECAUSE OF THIS RIGHT HERE. "My genitals don't tell you what I want or like. I do." So powerful, relevant, and true. Thank you Emily Nagoski for your amazing words.

[@jeffmilligan]

Well that was pretty refreshing. She actually acknowledged that men can be victims. Just cause a guy got hard, doesn't mean he wanted it. With all the talk about "rape culture", isn't it time for the legal system in many countries to recognize that men can be raped by women too?

[@obea003]

jeff milligan all western countries do you'll be glad to hear

[@jeffmilligan]

Untrue. For example, in England men can not be raped according to law. And in the United States it is called "made to penetrate" and not categorized as rape.

[@jeffmilligan]

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rape_of_males#Prevalence

[@tyiffpeijc8702]

Wait, what? Is it true that there's no laws protecting men from rape from women? I know of cases where women were prosecuted for raping male children--are they only being prosecuted for statutory rape? If a woman rapes an adult man nothing can be done for the man?

[@XJunixAnnexKayxScarX]

Legal systems need to catch up and realize “rape culture” applies to everyone. Men shouldn’t have to feel ashamed because someone else took their choices away, nor should that woman be charged with anything less than a man would, were the roles reversed.

[@kellharris2491]

An important message everyone should watch. When a man or woman says no it means no. Its doesn't matter if there body is aroused.

[@thefangirllife2162]

This was a great talk - as a med student it was really refreshing to hear this physiological discussion and as a human it was even more refreshing to hear a candid lecture about this conversation that needs to happen in the world - everyone should listen to this at least once

[@falksudmersen5972]

only talk...nothing more...weeeeaaaak

[@aylinitzel.]

I’m very glad that she spoke out about this, because it’s exceedingly important to know that arousal doesn’t mean you like it or want it.

[@93parasol]

Does this means that the opposite is also true? That you can want someone to touch you and like the touch but your body just refuses to respond with arousal because you have been learned like pawlovs dogs that sexual touch is a bad thing. That's my problem 😕

[@aeonne420]

93parasol yes,It is possible and happens a lot.

[@zetyra8336]

Happens to me too. You can decondition that response. It takes time and patience and mindfulness. I used to have a panic attacks from sexual touch. Now that almost never happens and I enjoy it. It also took therapy for me to get to this point though.

[@petrathomas1460]

This is a nine month old comment, but just chiming in to say that there are many avenues to pursue therapy for this, or for finding a compassionate practice with yourself. You deserve to feel good

[@ericafox5098]

Hello, I'm here to say that this has happened to me before, on and off for several years following a sexual assault incident. This also happened to me for hormonal reasons during my later months of pregnancy and into nearly two years of nursing.

[@yoursleepparalysisdemon9969]

Yep

[@chrisgray7320]

What a wonderful speaker. Confident in discussing difficult issues, informed and informative, clear and concise. Thank you and bravo.

[@XJunixAnnexKayxScarX]

This is amazing. My husband was assaulted by someone I considered to be a best friend, when he was hugging her because she was crying and drinking, then she grabbed his hand and put it on her breast and grabbed his crotch. He literally fled and began crying because he didn’t think I would believe him over her (I went into shock and because I wasn’t furious right away she admitted to me that she did it and apologized to me but never did to him). The worst part about it was everyone kept apologizing to me because they saw her betrayal of me as far greater than what he experienced, even going as far as my aunt told him to not put himself in those kinds of positions. I still feel somewhat bad to this day because that night when I went to bed (she was staying with us because her living situation had become dangerous, I did not want her to but I felt too bad to turn her away. This happened the first night) I had this horrible gut wrenching feeling that something might happen, but I didn’t want to be the ‘jealous’ girlfriend who told my boyfriend he couldn’t spend time alone with a girl who was upset simply because she was a girl. I thought to myself “I don’t trust her but I trust him” and I didn’t say anything. It has been nearly 3 years, he’s only just starting to ask for a hug from any girl who isn’t me or family.

[@thesquishedelf1301]

Where The Magic Happens That’s a really powerful story, thank you so much for telling it. Stories like this always make me wonder how many more like it are hidden because the truth never came out, sadly.

[@damiensouth1160]

The Squished TONS

[@lynnmarieanderson1744]

I have always felt awkward about what I call the hugging thing. I don't mind shaking hands with a guy, but I only hug my significant other or a close family member like an uncle. And I'm leery of even hugging a close female friend because I would feel so weird about it if I found out later that she's gay.

[@coyotesong]

Thank you Where the magic happens for your well-told important story with nuanced details. I'm a male who's had a couple female-threatening situations: one was my housemate's gf who refused to leave the house with her bf gone and clearly was after me--i had to plead with her friends to drag her out; the other was far more threatening where a friend's sister got into bed with me after lights were out and i thrashed around to get her out. She never forgave me for turning her down--i had also declined to go to bed with her before turning in--and she manipulated a situation with my best friend of 30+ years, her brother, to wreck our friendship. He has since died and i still grieve for him 5 years later.

[@stephaniejade7056]

If males didn't promote and flaunt their sexuality so much, they wouldn't be giving off such messages in the first place.

[@medusaedmonddantes3844]

Oh my goodness. You have cleared up so much confusion in my life. Why sometimes I'm "turned on" but also completely appalled at the idea of something somebody says or something I read. I always thought maybe I'm just a bad person, but I am not. Just my body does things that I don't always agree with.

[@lewismassie]

That wormy apple example makes so much sense. Arousal nonconcordance is a phrase I will have to remember. Also many thanks from a confused teenager

[@dg8620]

That's the only part I didn't like. I don't think my mouth would water at seeing a wormy apple. Her premise is correct, I just think she needed a better analogy.

[@Mellyouttaphase]

Don’t make them drink the tea! This is such an important topic. Excellent speech. Thank you.

[@tiedyedowl8367]

Melody Notmylastname I’d forgotten about that tea video lol thanks

[@That_Ozian]

Thank God for this speech and this woman. I feel so much better. Arousal non concordance is super important.

[@4tech69]

This isn't something people simply understand? Oh that's right. People.

[@tyiffpeijc8702]

lol

[@TheHadMatters]

I had to be taught, too, like five years ago, even though (or maybe because) when I grew up, I strove to be understanding, almost to a fault. When you learn to be a problem-solver all your life, and you are an introvert, it can be hard to deal with when you notice a lot of people don't make very fast decisions about their preferences and momentary choices. And if you care about those people and want to have an impact of them, and give them pleasure, you might wind up quick to start dismissing their word, because you notice their choices do not immediately grant them the satisfaction you could give them, if they made their choices right away. Then, in your urge to provide the peak of happiness, you try and start making the most efficient choices for them, foregoing subtlety and build-up. The only two pieces of knowledge it really takes to prevent yourself from doing that is that *1)* People don't owe you something just because it is less effort for them to provide than it is for you to procure [which should be painfully obvious, but entitlement is bred easily] and *2)* For human satisfaction, perfection is pointless. Everything above "desirable" is sufficient, and nothing more needs to be striven for. At best, you can choose to additionally add the endeavour because you enjoy the effort, independent of outcome.

[@tyiffpeijc8702]

Wow, thank you for that perspective and those final points.

[@richardlopez2932]

@@TheHadMatters "Entitlement is bred easily." Amen to that.

[@erianle123547]

As someone who was sexually abused as a child, I spent years attempting to reconcile myself against the shame I felt over feeling pleasure even as I felt a whole array of negative emotions such as shame, guilt, disgust, and even fear. If only I had known then what I learned later, it might not have taken me so long to heal. Though I admit there are still parts of me that are broken, my scars have given me a sense of clarity. I know who I am, and I no longer fear saying no, or saying yes for that matter. Saying no came naturally once I found my voice, but I still have trouble saying yes from time to time.

[@Kupperdurden]

That's actually a problem, she completly disconnect will and pleasure. Your case is something completly ignored : you can have pleasure, even if you were raped. That's taboo because it's likely to be used as an argument that there is no rape. Rape is about consent, not the consequences, on legal term. What you feel during that is actually irrelevant. To make an analogy, if a try to kill a man, that he survives, and meet his future wife at the hospital, that doesn't make my crime less horrible. Because i'm not judge on the consequences but the act itself. if i'm traumatized or not is not the matter. If the person has done that, it could be doing the same thing to other people, that will suffer. And that's what the law and order is suppose to do, to prevent further crimes. Some victims DO enjoy it, and that doesn't make it less of a crime. We are full of contradiction, and different cravings and likes. We are plural. I can want to have sexe with a person because i'm attracted, and at the same time to not want it for other reasons (i'm married etc...). Consent is about personnal approval. Fights between positives and negatives aspect of one thing. If the positive wins, we go for it, if the negative does, we don't. The worst when it happens as a kid, is you don't have the moral barriers that you have later in life. You tend to judge your behavior as a child with your grown up eyes. And that complicate things. I totally connect with the guilt of having pleasure during an act where you're not "suppose to". That's one of the most important question that is rarely evoked, sadly. Often, the term used is "you should not feel guilty", but eluding the question of why, we can be guilty. There is not one guilt, and to consider that's it's a matter of rape culture (wich is a bs expression), it a parallogism that avoid the real questions about that subject.

[@cynthiacampbell7277]

@@Kupperdurden Calling what I felt as a child as feeling pleasure from my father's assaults is wrong. The physical response is TORTURE when everything inside is screaming no but there's nothing you can do to stop it. You clearly still don't understand.

[@Kupperdurden]

@@cynthiacampbell7277 You were the one that posted the original story? Even so, my argument just stay the same, even if it don't apply to you. i'm talking about one particular case (which exist), i'm not generalizing every situation to be like this one.

[@bigbluebuttonman1137]

@@Kupperdurden "Enjoying it" should be phrased carefully. You might feel physical pleasure while *hating* the experience internally. On the flip side...you might actually actually enjoy it, while not realizing what it is (usually in the cases of pedophiles preying on children).

[@Kupperdurden]

@@bigbluebuttonman1137 And i didn't say otherwise. I was expressing the fact that we can enjoy something on certain levels, and hate it on others. Sorry if i misused the verb to enjoy, english not being my original language.

[@TheDwarvenDefender]

TL;DR: "Arousal is not consent."

[@FrogambassadorBlogspotted]

TL;DW*

[@TheDwarvenDefender]

@BTIsaac MRAs believe men can get raped by women and would use the same assertion in court.

[@kaylawagner3295]

I wasn't sure what this talk would be about, but I'm so, so glad I watched it. I hope this makes it to billions of views.

[@thewanderer9740]

Thank you, as a survivor of 6 years of sexual abuse and rape as a child I have dealt with much of this on my own for so many years. It's important to understand how our bodys work in order to heal. Physically and mentally. So thank you again for having the strength to speak. I am learning to speak slowly.

[@davescruton2829]

So here are some take always I hope everyone got that may not be as obvious as the examples she gave. Ladies, just because a guy you know gets an erection when he sees you half dressed doesn't mean he wants to sleep with you or your friend or whatever hot chick walked by. Stop abusing us for involuntary reactions. As well just because he cannot get an erection when you are trying to make love does not mean he thinks your fat, ugly, is mad at you, has stopped wanting to be with you, or is getting it somewhere else. It goes both ways.

[@stephaniejade7056]

If males didn't promote and flaunt their sexuality so much, they wouldn't be giving off such messages in the first place.

[@sturdyfrog3931]

@@stephaniejade7056 Hey, that's a bit uncalled for. It's like saying if women didn't wear skimpy outfits, then they wouldn't be raped. It is never okay to say that someone deserved tobe misunderstood.

[@devika1230]

@@sturdyfrog3931 ignore her. She's a troll. You can see her comment under every other comment.

[@Catlily5]

Yes, respect goes both ways.

[@MrX-fm3ns]

Preach!

[@drummercymbalsamples]

Ted has been on fire recently. Another impactful lecture.

[@jw6588]

Thanks for acknowledging the cultural confusion about arousal. One source of frustration is that many people just aren't clear about whether or not they want it or whether or not they ever will want it. One side shouldn't be beholden to someone who can't sort out their arousal and their desires. Arousal is a social behavior. You can't only think about yourself. That's what makes it so important to sort it out.

[@travelingalinta3211]

I wish i had this video when i was with my ex partner. The amount of times that I told him that I feel differently to how my genitals react. And then the amount of times that he didn't believe me... We broke up for obvious reasons but i worry that he is still going around with girls forcing them into things believing that he is right.

[@helalmujahid7012]

well said

[@priestesspeaches9095]

Im so happy that finally someone is speaking about this. Thank you ♡

[@chocomalk]

Brilliant talk, don't hate unless you watch it.

[@erikjansen3839]

chocomalk or hate after you watch it

[@chocomalk]

As long as you give it a viewing you are entitled to your opinion.

[@falksudmersen5972]

...now i hate even more after i watched it....

[@random_dragon]

This is really powerful, and helpful I struggle a lot with intrusive thoughts, especially around sexual acts, and it always makes me feel bad, especially with the way my body responds It's such a relief, knowing that this isn't completely abnormal. Other people also deal with this. When she talked about the younger girl, emotionally I was horrified and disgusted. But my body's response didn't line up, at all

[@belladonnavon8014]

One of the most necessary and brilliant TED Talks I've ever come across. Just because your body reacts, it doesn't mean you feel anything and your mind agrees; thank you so much for giving me the proper information to explain this to people. Nonconcordance is a genuine thing and should be discussed a lot more often.

[@gking407]

Outstanding speech. Physical response does not equal emotional response. Or consent. Important lesson for all of us.

[@MCPeeBoy]

This video was highly educational. I learned a few interesting facts myself and will for sure spread the knowledge and awareness. Thank you, Emily.

[@damiensouth1160]

Cookie Chocolatechip Here's a thought experiment for the men reading this. Imagine this happening but now imagine being a female whom because of biology and physiology would most likely be helpless if the perpetrator desided to employ physical force to gain compliance. It's a very scary thought.

[@moonwalk3rr]

This was just as essential as it was inspiring.

[@annonymsurfer3189]

Anish Gole you mean, this is not relevant at all.

[@davidswanson9606]

While the message is positive and interesting, it stinks of feminism - like a beached whale: drawing a curious and sympathetic audience, who are unaware of the noxious hot air that’s inflated the monster well beyond its original design.

[@BriPer1992]

It is incredibly relevant, and a great talk.

[@dustinsandage9387]

Clearly there are some guys here who thought this was a personal attack on them. Kinda like that song "You're so vain"... I gotta figure though, if you listen to a speech which clearly and explicitly covers male and female sexual non-concordance and conclude that it's somehow toxic and personally offensive to you and/or men in general, then you got some serious issues you need to work through.

[@dynamicpenguin55]

100% agree Dustin

[@canaryimpulse989]

I expected this to be bad. I am genuinely glad I watched this. Maybe TEDTalks is turning around. I am one of the people who sometimes dislike TED videos (not before watching) but this one is insightful, informative, necessarily, non-partisan and truly worth hearing.

[@Loftur1172]

Someone Else why do you sometimes dislike TED talks? I'm here for discussion :)

[@LostieTrekieTechie]

Sometimes TED-X talks are a little questionable, but on the whole it's an important platform.

[@nootnoot1290]

ted ed has much better talks than tedx, they’re two different channels

[@TheWaiting4lunch]

I needed to hear this years ago!! Arousal non-concordance made my teenage years very confusing and annoying. And I didn't even know what it was. I was the one telling myself I must like things that weirded me out. Thanks, this makes me feel a lot better!!!!!

[@Xanthelei]

The one thing I want to say to Emily personally is: Thank you. Thank you SO MUCH for including trans folks in your statistics. When it comes to sexual violence, we are in a very different category. Gender matters far less when the reaction to merely existing is violence, and so much of the sexual violence trans people experience is someone "trying to fix you" into not being trans, or punish you for "daring" to be yourself. So thank you, Emily, for understanding that male or female, trans people are at greater risk for sexual abuse, and the worth in not losing that fact in the broader male or female sexual assault statistic.

[@thomme8539]

Damn this is important.

[@Moldymessiah98]

This was a very good, very informative speach. I wish society was as comfortable in discussing sexual topics as it is about violence. Knowledge is power!

[@TheWebaa]

Great talk. I found this out through a Human A&P course I took. Arousal is controlled by the parasympathetic nervous system which is involuntary.

[@skybear17]

"She said no. Did he listen to her words?" immediately bursted into tears ...

[@saradeconinck9361]

This needs to be taught in school, thank you for making it clear for people that have been through an experience like this, this hits home far more frequently than people think

[@AllisonLinner]

*My dear BROTHERS who have been through sexual assault, PLEASE READ:* I need you to know that *you are the bravest of us all.* Your *courage* is a glorious example to me and to everyone. Your *valor* not just in *surviving* and *fighting* every day to live, but also in *dealing* with society and what victims are put through *AFTER* they speak up. As a rape survivor myself, the *example you set gives me hope.* Because *I know what it feels like* to go through that, and I know how society has reflected that *back on to ME.* You are treated the same way but *10X worse,* and *STILL* you are here, and *STILL* you are trying. *I don't call you survivors. I call you WARRIORS.*

[@timothyblinn9734]

Thanks for this

[@RAMPAVAN90]

That's well said, Allison.

[@ShaareiZoharDaas]

Amen.

[@karandebnath4455]

I appreciate

[@smendes2004]

Are u trying to say that raping a man is worse than raping a woman????😟😟😟😟😟

[@bunnybeehoneybee]

I TELL YOU WHAT I LIKE, NOT MY GENITALS!!!

[@damiensouth1160]

Here's a thought experiment for the men reading this. Imagine this happening but now imagine being a female whom because of biology and physiology would most likely be helpless if the perpetrator desided to employ physical force to gain compliance. It's a very scary thought. Share this with your friends.

[@fivestring65ify]

@@damiensouth1160 Will you PLEASE stop posting the same comment over and over. We get it. Ok?

[@dg8620]

READ MY LIPS! ...no wait, hang on...

[@falksudmersen5972]

...i bet they would tell you they dislike beeing chopped off with a knife.....

[@emeraldgreen5985]

confused teenager here, and i’m SO glad that i watched this.

[@Raevarie]

This was incredible... I finally have an explaination for all the sexual mis-encounters in my life, I am speechless, sad yet finally happy

[@m2hjrll.871]

As a student working my way to a law degree in family law I found this striking. This speech could be applied to inter generational sexual abuse within families and within our communities. Just like Pavlov’s dogs were groomed to physiologically respond to the bell by associating the sound to food; children who experienced sexual abuse and/or a social dynamic that sexualizes children are groomed into associating pre-pubescence with sexual arousal. This can lead to deep feelings of shame, guilt and self-hatred for the victim if and when they find themselves experiencing unwanted and involuntary arousal in response to this grooming later in life. By dispelling the myth that your physiological sexual responses are the true indicator of who you are and what you actually want, it can help people to face their pain and forgive themselves; hopefully paving a way to find out who they really are and want they truly desire in their hearts. I believe it would beneficial as a society to take on this approach towards sexuality. I believe less sexual assaults would occur if the stigma around this issue could be lifted.

[@jaylittle6465]

I’m so glad this is out there. She did a great job and many people will gain from understanding what she has to say. Those who have been put in a bad situation and those that seek to avoid putting someone in a bad situation will be better prepared to orchestrate the not-talked-about part of their lives.

[@GoodJuju.8D]

This talk may help many victims of childhood sexual abuse. Help to understand why their body felt one way and their mind another.

[@hanblue1862]

One of the best TED talks ever

[@lynnmarieanderson1744]

Wow, amazing and powerful talk!!! I'm a woman in my 40s and I am still confused that some sexual stuff that if I think about it rationally and logically I'll think stuff like- that's sick, perverted or terrible, but then later on I might be wondering to myself, why does that turn me on in some weird way??? I know that sexual abuse happens to guys too, but I think far more women have been sexually abused or coerced in some way than any will ever admit on any survey. There's a lot of shame.

[@helalmujahid7012]

well said

[@ninanickel3103]

Just listen.....communication is huge! I feel like she’s speaking words I was never listened to. My perp told me that I am saying no but my body is saying yes. I just let it go. Great job for speaking up for everyone not just females. ❤️

[@forbiddenmod]

She regulates the audience’s feelings so well.

[@theaprilwitness3745]

If someone had shared this with me when I hit puberty and began having serious arousal nonconcordance, OMG it would have saved me SO much heartache.

[@cintiqlover]

Everyone. Everyone needs to see this.

[@lulabloom4636]

mostly confused teenagers across the board...thank you for your courage and service to humanity

[@werefox61]

Excellent TED talk. I have spent 45 years years in therapy to learn what you just taught in 15 minutes. I was 8 when my body reacted to a stimulus.

[@recyclespinning9839]

So why did your therapist not explain this response to you?? Makes you wonder.??

[@krystalharris79]

@@recyclespinning9839 : Arousal non-concordance was not a known thing 30 years ago, let alone 45 .... Perhaps if it was acknowledged or if their therapist knew about it, then they could have. But it's known now. It doesn't help to make the therapist seem like they didn't care.

[@concept6015]

Honestly amazing ted talk. Even as a man really inspiring, also really well presented. Presenting such a tabboo topic in such a...i don't know how to put it, "normal way" i guess. Without hesitation or being ashamed.

[@AvgJane19]

dudelolxp genuinely curious: why did you mention your gender in relation to the quality of the talk?

[@fivestring65ify]

Society needs so much more of this.

[@petergraywolf5765]

because this TED talk was focused on female audience, duh. @@AvgJane19

[@petergraywolf5765]

and has nothing to do with the quality of the talk. is about personal enjoyment and education, since this talk was mostly focused on female audience.

[@farahdibastephanus8584]

Thank you Emily Nagoski. Soo much damage is perpetuated through silence and shame. In my line of work I encounter so much of this. I want to thank you for this courageous talk foropening the minds and hearts of those in fear of shame. Many blessings to you.

[@sturdyfrog3931]

I wish people were more comfortable with these kinds of topics. As a teen, this talk was sooo insightful. I feel like this can help so many people.

[@redredbom1112]

Brilliant and so well explained. This clarifies why there is confusion when everything seems to be going so well and then there’s a ‘no’. And it’s relevant to everyone on the receiving end, regardless of gender. I’ll be sharing this! Thank you so much.

[@spacedragon8929]

I AM the confused teenager in my life who's just trying to figure out what even. . . _what._ So thank you!

[@MsBraidBreaker]

I LOVE THIS WOMAN!!! This talk was simply amazing! Thank you TED Talks for inviting Emily and sharing her talk here!

[@corvidinthewoods1263]

As that confused teenager, who happens to be asexual, I’m crying, for real, this was exactly what I’d needed to hear.

[@andreanicolepackard]

I love how she helps people manage uncomfortable feelings.

[@madelainekane760]

I completely agree with the points made in this video about arousal nonconcordance. In fact, it reminds me of a point about ejaculation that I kind of recently remembered (specifically, how the spinal cord controls it instead of the brain). In this way, to me, it is ALMOST like an automatic thing that no one can just 'turn on' or 'turn off' at will (if it is true).

[@AB-eq9mm]

I have seen 20 comments complaining about people hating on this video and not one comment hating on it.

[@writerconsidered]

I've seen 3 or 4 negative comments but for the most part an overall positive response. A few questioned her statistics which I think is fair.

[@AB-eq9mm]

writerconsidered yeah i understand questioning the stats, but i wouldnt call that hate really. Maybe there were some hate comments i only looked through like 30 comments.

[@Yuri92001]

There are a lot of annoying backhanded, "she's the right kind of feminist" posts tho.

[@AB-eq9mm]

Yuri92001 thats a positive comment.

[@writerconsidered]

Yes because there are regressive feminists who have taken over the movement. If left unchecked they will destroy feminism. She is a unicorn among feminists.

[@Effervescenz]

Wow. That was beautiful. Thank you for this amazing talk.

[@falksudmersen5972]

...don't talk just kiss la la laa la la laaaa....

[@amy-grace8189]

As a confused teen, this was a fantastic speech

[@ebonyblack4563]

Coming back to this after learning about Asexuality helps make even more sense of a whole lot of my experiences.

[@jenniferpiper4293]

That was really well articulated! I think the work you do is amazing. More importantly, YOU are amazing for having the personality, knowledge and experience to present such sensitive material in a comprehensive way that comforts strangers enough to actually hear what your saying. It gives them a chance to learn, grow and heal. Most people who have issues with this type of subject are already uncomfortable and filled with intense, emotional chaos. Thank you for what you do and WHO YOU ARE. Your a blessing and an inspiration! I'm very pleased to have encountered this video! Thanks again

[@VenusAD]

This was one of the best and most important TED Talks I've ever seen. Amazing job.

[@awsomemex325]

This should help men who deal with sexual assault from woman

[@janus1936]

and help uneducated people realise that men can be sexually assaulted (and raped) as well. Honestly, the amount of people I have encountered that think that men are somehow immune to assault scares me, and I just hope that they eventually learn common sense

[@inramireza2483]

Good lord, this was a good use for my free time, great talk.

[@baji5237]

One of the best TED talks I've seen in a really long time; important on a personal level too.

[@TomRauhe]

Puzzled how anyone could "dislike" this speech.

[@MrZaborskii]

That was one of the best talks I have ever had the pleasure of finding on the internet. I'm so glad this video exists. I don't know exactly who I'm going to show it to, but it is too good not to share.

[@mamber4100]

While this more focused on consent it's also great for explaining bodily responses to intrusive thoughts - She did amazing.

[@themaster408]

Such an important TED talk, this is a perfect example of why I love them. This was hard to watch as I am a male victim of sexual assault and had a very similar example happen to me that she described. I also have 2 nephews that have been sexually assaulted by their father. Their counselor believes them, their therapist believes them, the judge does not. Their father has visiting rights. My nephews cry and beg us not to let him see them. They've told us "You said if we told everyone what happened that we would never see him again".

[@Catlily5]

That's awful. I hope your nephews are ok.

[@themaster408]

@@Catlily5 They both went into custody of their grandparents on the mother's side (their mom is not great, into drugs, drunk driving WITH THEM IN THE CAR). The older is very much a problem, threatened to kill the grandparents in their sleep and burn the house down. Eventually they sent him to foster care, hardest decision of their life (which I support cause that boy needs help that they can't give). The younger one remains mostly unaffected, but there's some trauma still there you can tell. Unfortunately recently their grandmother (my wife's mom) died very unexpectedly, so now it's a grandfather who's worked hard all his life, tired, pretty short temper, watching a kid that has needs that he's doing his best to take care of. It's a bad situation, but at least the father and mother have no rights to him (mother visits maybe a little too frequently. She's not allowed to stay the night there or anything, but does anyway). Thank you for your kindness. The kids are honestly in the best situation they could be in right now probably.

[@Catlily5]

@@themaster408 Something better would be nice but may not be possible. Trauma can show up later in some people.

[@chabisaplateau3068]

As a confused teenager, this helped so so much, you don’t even know. Thanks

[@steffeeH]

This talk is a friendly yet inspiring reminder that physiological behaviour does not equal cognition.

[@etherealblue]

i cried at the end.

[@angelalopez7704]

I did too. I think it was partly because it seemed as though SHE were about to cry, and that always makes me cry even more, lol.

[@etherealblue]

Angela Lopez the Myers Briggs personality Test says that I'm an infp, so I'm kind of a crybaby pushover. And yeah you could hear the shakiness in her voice and that kind of made me sad. It's pretty admirable what she did.

[@angelalopez7704]

Absolutely!

[@KevinPaterson]

I self-tested as INFP too, and I cried at the end too!! If you’re interested in seeing the MBTI being made actually scientific, Dave Powers in Oregon is developing the first objective typology system! Their system typed me as ENFP but with 2 out of 3 introverted parts.. Here’s his vid on ENFPs: m.kzbin.info/www/bejne/aqrbgYaejrWApaM And a vid on INFPs: m.kzbin.info/www/bejne/d2SsnH-vjK2fgZo

[@Olivia-lb3or]

I wish she could come to my highschool

[@Slendermanfreak]

Yourtube User please shut up

[@SheWhoWalksSilently]

Maybe they could play the Ted talk

[@Mukta228]

Awesome talk! I don't have enough words to express my appreciation. It covers some things that we all need to know and understand. Thank you so much for this superb talk, looking forward for more such videos.

[@mrtinythumb5363]

wow this was really good. this knowledge should be mandatory education for EVERYONE no matter how old you are. 20 or 90 dont matter.

[@VickysStuff]

Brilliant. Everyone should hear this sort of thing. There's so much fear, shame, confusion, misinformation, etc, about these topics. TALK about them. Silence is the only thing keeping these issues in the dark.

[@bralick6]

Helpful to victims who feel guilty for their body's response.