The two ingredients of abuse

[@zofiem.9468]

I always tell my friend that her boyfriend has a lot of potential to become abusive and she won't believe me. Here I can see why, he is controlling, super controlling and insecure, the thing is he doesn't have power over her and he hasn't had it yet, but if he gets it he will become abusive... If they move in together and she stops working (like he wants, by the way) and she looses her financial independence... It gives me shivers...

[@elv9216]

I'm scared for your friend too. Something similar happened to my mother when I was 14 and it took us years to get back on our feet financially after she left him. I'm talking about having to stay in women's shelters and sketchy apartments, relying on donations for food. If you have a bad feeling about this guy, don't let her quit her job. Seriously. It's just another way for him to isolate her and make her dependent on him.

[@alexterieur8813]

@@elv9216 ultimately she is her friend not her mom she can give her advice but she can’t control her or her actions. If she gets in an abusive relationship it’s not her fault.

[@ktwhimsy6946]

@@elv9216 unfortunately (as it sounds like you know personally) it will be impossible for her to stop her friend from making any choice, no matter how clearly it looks like a terrible decision to the outside world, being in the fog of a (potentially) abusive relationship makes us blind to truth at times. I remember acknowledging to myself that my ex fiancé had controlling tendencies, but I had convinced myself that I could NOT and would not be controlled, and that he only struggled because of his past “toxic” relationships…. I can tell you all how that turned out 7 years later, but I’m sure you can guess…

[@chaimomma9198]

Yep 100%

[@brittneysperspective8433]

If he is controlling, abuse has already started. He just hasn’t hit her yet.

[@ShalomSarahJoy]

1. Tangible Power over another person 2. Control to the point of impeding self determination

[@CocoKitty19]

This was so informative ! as a person who suffers from OCD, I can be very controlling because I'm often anxious as well as fearful. I'm terrified of losing people so I get controlling but because of that it pushes people away. Have you done / would you make a video about letting go for people with OCD ? Lots of love !

[@AnaPsychology]

I have a video titled “watch this if you’ve been called controlling” that might be helpful for you :) kudos to you for being proactive about not wanting to hurt others!

[@valesfm]

Thanks! I actually had a period in my life when I was so afraid I was in an abusive relationship with anyone that I simple cut off all my friends when they were more "powerful" than me. Thankfully they loved me very much and forgave my mistakes. But it's super hard when it comes to romantic relationships

[@ClockingTea99]

When your running away these videos really become you entertainment and strategy.

[@drakessful]

I think a child can abuse a parent in cases of elder abuse, but that is because the power dynamics have shifted. The child often has legal power and control in such a situation, though it's certainly not as common as the reverse. Great video! And glad you mentioned the case of the celebrity abusing their partner 👀. As a side note, I'd love to hear your thoughts on Jeanette McCurdy’s book if you have the time and interest :)

[@Nivieee]

I saw what you did at 1:43 and I agree 100% 🙌🏼

[@d.on.in.a]

What am I missing?

[@watchingyoutubeyea1670]

@@d.on.in.a probably a reference to leonardo dicaprio i presume

[@d.on.in.a]

@@watchingyoutubeyea1670 I think it was a reference to Johnny Depp and Amber Heard

[@marybayakor]

hey Ana! out of topic, but can you make a video about hypersensitivity and some tips to live with it? thank you for your work! it really helps me to self regulate at hard times

[@iamgoddessoflove]

If you are not sure whether you’re in a toxic relationship or not, ask yourself these two most important questions. How has this relationship affected my self-esteem? How do I feel when I am around my partner? 💙KZbinr That Helps People Overcome Toxic Relationships

[@NopeNotTodaySatan]

Yessss!!!! 👆👆👆

[@GirlsLikeFairies]

I'd say he makes me feel confident n worthy. N I do feel safe to be emotional n childlike around him. N yes I am excited to see him all the time n love kissing him.

[@KristiContemplates]

I am somewhat relieved by this video. Thank you 🙂

[@sealwhiskers3515]

That was really helpful. I spent a while wondering if my last relationship was abusive, and I think it was definitely toxic but it wasn't abusive. Could've gone that way if it worsened though, glad I got out

[@mariagallart8190]

Hi I'm new to this channel, just letting the algorithm know I like it!

[@cassanddrrrraaa]

You are so wonderfully smart, Ana

[@TroyJamesMonger]

Quick, dirty, & empowering. It's hard to recognize patterns without category labels. Thank you for dissecting the primary general components in abuse, Ana :] Another excellent video.

[@hannahberlinpetry450]

But that’s why we should try to get rid of the power inequality as much as possible.

[@Cowface]

Thanks I needed this clarity.

[@betagamma18]

Painful video as always, glad to see that you're in good health, I thank you for the information and resources :)

[@ElenaSemanova]

Awesome educational video, thank you!

[@mekman4]

Thank you!

[@jenaya_laila2442]

My mother always tells ever6what a terrible daughter I am and how terribly I'm treating her..shes basically telling everyone I'm abusive...I've received numerous emails and phone call throughout my life..

[@__Henry__]

Critique: Watching some few of your others videos I'm looking for more depthful presentations of the topics your videos are about. Your delivery is smooth and well-paced, clean. Your videos are useful for getting a sense of what there is to consider about the topics presented. My personal motivation, which is independent of the motivations of others of your audience, for watching such videos is to deepen my understanding of the topics. Also this can be done briefly. This is something I'd like from videos such as yours that I'm not finding. Your videos are more survey-ish. Last critical note, acknowledging my ignorance of your intention through this channel I catch you saying things that not only do not mention depth (which is satisfactory enough for certain informational intentions) but that actively dismiss depth as being relevant, which is mildly misleading and is not merely a lack of inclusion. Good luck with what you want to do with this channel. Overall, it appears to me polished and, again, useful for getting a sense of what things there are but less so for what those things are.

[@ChrisIsMe8]

If one's intentions lead to abuse or anything unethical, then they are not 'pure' intentions. E.g., a parent who drastically limits a child's social life can say it's because they want the best for the child, and even believe it, but the truth is it's selfish.

[@YOSHELF]

Hey Anna I love your videos they help bring so much insight! I was wondering if you would do a video on healthy romantic relationships expectations?

[@kaitlync5922]

Very interesting topic!

[@oliverdaniel7648]

Something seems to be missing though. What makes the use of power to control/restrict excessive? What is the threshold?

[@redpalex]

thank you

[@scenepunk09]

I remember u saying ur a Marina fan and I love that song titled power and control. Is that what it is about?

[@riricarter8050]

Love the witchy vibes.

[@manthesecond]

Incredible video!! I learned so much 😁

[@cutiefox6455]

🙏🙏🙏 Ana, please, can you make it available to cut clips from your videos and save them into the library? This option is not available on your videos, there is no such button. Maybe you’ve seen it on other’s videos, next to the “watch later” button. It’s something that should be turned on in the settings. This will make it possible to save the best parts of your videos, the gems 💎 and parts with insights. It does not affect your videos or legal rights or views or anything at all. Only about saving the best parts to rewatch them more often and not search for them! Maybe even increases views. Or can you explain, why you refuse to make it available?

[@samirateixeira6954]

Would you mind clarifying who the example you're talking about in the first part? It sounds like every abusive situation but also a very specific one. Also side note but wow I am so tired of people trying to pretend misogyny doesn't exist anymore and trying to pretend that men don't have inherent gendered privilege over women in relationships :DD and also pretending that stating this fact somehow negates the experiences of male victims :') so tired

[@dakotakeller1606]

Hi Ana great video! I have a question, which is about friends who become abusive. Is it that I was giving them that power and control over me? Cuz as is, that dynamic is not one where there is a big power differential

[@prschuster]

I think you can also abuse someone by expecting them to be the sole/main provider and protector without taking responsibility for one's own providence. It can be weaponized by giving or withholding affection.

[@bostonb4kedbeans]

Did that happen to you?

[@aera1204]

Hey I am studying psychology as a first year student is there any good psychology book recommendations you guys have I like my textbook knowledge but I understand the concepts better when there are various indepth explanations and I also like to cover more complex topics... And i usually get things that are not related to school quickly... So if anyone of you have books that are for specific topics that you like or a specific author please leave a comment behind.. Thank you and I hope whoever reads this comment has a good day😊

[@TheAleatoriorandom]

I think other less considered forms of power can be "social" or "emotional" power. Someone who is skilled at ruining someone else's reputation or is really agressive (not phisically necesarily) and manipulative may actually push the balance of power in their favor even if the other person has more money or authority. Imagine someone falling in love and being taken advantage off by the other person despite having them having a higher status than the other person or someone so intimidated and confused by theards and manipulation than they cannot exercise their own forms of power.

[@retrorenegade1967]

What if the teenage son who is much bigger and stronger is physically harming the mother if she tries to discipline him, is that abuse?

[@GenevieveLentz]

I work in a domestic violence specialist service - There is growing evidence about adolescent to parent violence, (can also be towards siblings/others in the home/family). Often if you consider the ‘hierarchy’ of power within a family, especially one where the child was exposed to childhood DV, adolescent males can hold more power and be more in control than the female parent. This can either look like the adult person using violence, using the young person as a form of violence, or post-separation the young person steps into the role of person with more power and control. It’s a really challenging and complex area to work in and is painfully misunderstood and under researched

[@kitten_582]

I mean if she spanked or hit him as a child that's just how they communicate, it's still abusive

[@Uwrath]

Kids resisting punishment is not abuse. That’s not how any of this works.

[@luplaysgeetar]

could you talk about avolition/feeling like you’re unable to do anything even every day tasks?

[@CaptainAceful]

Hi Ana do you think you could review the movie HER?

[@d.on.in.a]

The example at 1:43 kind of rubbed me the wrong way because the recent Virginia trial involving two celebrities proved the opposite to me

[@d.on.in.a]

Edit: not really the opposite, but that the overall less powerful person can be the abuser

[@dovescry123]

@@d.on.in.a she used that example because the male in that situation was actually the abuser :) hope this helps

[@FatAssC]

@@dovescry123 i'm guessing you knew who was the abuser before the trial

[@health4877]

Hi Ana, I've watched quite a few of your videos and really appreciate your work, but I'm a little confused by this take. While I agree that power imbalance is a useful sign to watch out for when determining who is the real abuser and who is just reacting to the abuse, or in other words "How to recognize DARVO", I don't think it's fair to say that abuse can ONLY occur if one person is in a position of tangible power over the other one. To give you a personal example, I broke off a friendship of many years with a person that was pretty much my equal (if not slightly lower than me, considering the many many times they've required my help), after realizing that they had repeatedly psychologically abused me for their own benefit, by using techniques such as guilt tripping, gas lighting, gratuitous criticism and other forms of emotional manipulation that have had a pretty significant impact on my mental health. Now, the reason I'm pointing this out is because, in the past, I made a lot of excuses for this person's behavior and if a younger and less aware version of me had seen this video at the time when I was still close to them, I might have come to the conclusion that my friend was not an abuser because they never held tangible power over me. Even though emotionally and psychologically they definitely did. All this to say, I understand the point you were trying to make, but I wanted to give you some perspective on how it can be misenterpreted by people who are not in situations of power imbalance, but are still being abused and might not be aware of it.

[@AnaPsychology]

Thank you so much for bringing this perspective to my attention! I probably didn't emphasize this as explicitly as I intended to, but I'd like to reiterate something I mentioned in the video: anyone can *behave* abusively, independent of power dynamics. It's less likely that it will have an effect on the victim if the victim has significantly more power to shield themselves with, but there are most certainly exceptions to the rule--and in any case, abusive behavior is distressing to the person experiencing it. It sounds like this was absolutely the case for you. I started the video by saying that this is an oversimplification of a complex topic, and I think your example really highlights that. I think it really comes down to the fact that "abusive behavior" and "abusive relationships" are two slightly different constructs. Abusive behavior is a collection of hurtful actions, whereas abusive relationships are characterized by the cycle of abuse, the wheel of power and control, and other more complex dynamics we tend to see across victims and abusers. And, like with anything, there are always exceptions to the rule.

[@health4877]

​@@AnaPsychology Thank you for replying. I see what you mean now and I hope you'll talk more about this topic, 'cause I find it extremely fascinating and useful. Rationally what you're saying makes sense to me, the only thing I want to emphasize, is that people who are being abused and are caught up in conflicting emotions, might look at the difference between "abusive behavior" and "abusive relationships" and take it as a way to excuse, minimize, negate and/or tolerate the harm that's been done to them. Or in other words think: "This isn't the textbook definition of an abusive relationship, hence I must be overreacting and maybe this isn't that big of a deal and I shouln't throw away this connection just because this person makes me extremely upset some times". And paradoxically it was almost easier for me to leave my abusive ex partner, because they perfectly fit the stereotype of an abuser, than to leave my friend who was way more subtle in the way they took advantage me. Maybe "easier" is not the best word. So let's say, it was harder to find a way out with my ex, but I knew I was being abused, while with my friend it took me one phone call to end it, but almost a decade to realize what they were doing to me.

[@d.on.in.a]

@@AnaPsychology hi Ana, what's the difference between behaving abusively and being abusive? If the person with less power can behave abusively, can they also *be* abusive?

[@chaimomma9198]

Satan has power over the world because he’s the god of this “world”

[@timon9987]

What is your instagram

[@romanzadgk]

This video has made me realise that what I experienced at my last workplace was abuse 🥲