The Most Important Sex Advice You NEED To Hear | Esther Perel

[@silensviator]

Being playful is extreemely important. Learning how to shift your mindset to play and have fun with your partner changes the whole dynamic. Surprisingly it's not a natural thing people do.

[@junej4216]

That's definitely a major takeaway from this podcast. Sex like money can become a serious issue in a relationship. Just saying 'let's have some fun' lightens things. Wonderful Esther

[@emilyb5557]

There are so cute couples on KZbin that are really playful or in fact base their YT channel on playfulness and pranks even. Nice way to get some ideas or seem playful couples can be...eg: Paul and Matthew (Paul is Blind and they are hilarious & cute). I can't think of the other one - he's a lawyer.

[@agentorange153]

And what if you DON'T LIKE to be playful -- what if you ONLY like it hot and heavy, and playfulness kills the mood for you???

[@daylondealva4448]

​@@agentorange153they're not necessarily talking about the sex. Being playful with your partner makes you fall in love more deeply, it's shared vulnerability which is an emotionally bonding experience

[@agentorange153]

@@daylondealva4448 In that case, let me put it another way -- what if you're both introverts on the far end of the spectrum and have a very low level of cheerfulness on the ocean test (one of you scoring a mere 6, as is the case for me, and the other having a similarly low score), and therefore find playfulness aversive in ANY context (and in particular find that playfulness DETRACTS from love)???

[@IdowuObadeyi]

This woman is a global treasure!

[@rockradstone]

Yes she is.

[@richardburch7865]

A good women.

[@maxc7198]

Sexual education, not only biology.

[@lollekompolle]

You can easily tell she's really good at what she does.

[@subratadhar7698]

she is one of the best

[@IDontRollMyRs]

She is one of the worst. That video turned out to be an exception. Normally her ideas/words are provocative because she supports cheating, she supports "i can have 200 men in my past that shouldn't bother you" etc. She's one of the worst products of modern day feminism

[@REM1956]

This video was loaded with nuance and pertinent information. Relationships, especially over decades, are constantly changing in very minute ways. In the chaos of every day life it's easy to miss things happening in front of our eyes until we suddenly find ourselves alone in plain sight.

[@chrislaing8444]

I’ve followed Esther’s work for years. She speaks truth.

[@hlonni_chelsea6711]

Only the truth.

[@omaralmamlouk]

Esther Perel's sex advice is always profound and rooted in deep psychological insight. She emphasizes how sexual connection is not just about the physical, but about emotional intimacy, communication, and understanding ourselves and our partners better. Perel is brilliant at highlighting how maintaining desire in long-term relationships requires curiosity, mutual respect, and a balance of both closeness and distance. Definitely worth reflecting on her words if you're looking to deepen your relationships!

[@Joinmyjourney8]

It about not getting complacent with or taking each other for granted.

[@valdius85]

"You can do it and feel nothing" - true words.

[@jameslourens8691]

This can happen so easily even with couples who are very close. At some point, work and family commitments can get to be so demanding that everything else falls by the ways side. I've been there it it takes a continuous decision by both partners with lots of honest conversations to regain intimacy in a relationship. Most people over 50 just give up.

[@melkerner]

Correct - a lot contributes - but addressing it openly and honestly takes courage and the willingness to fight for it instead of giving in to isolation, withdrawal and resignation / surrender.

[@SteveWKk]

Yep…..was in a 25 year relationship and kids/work/busyness and stress can overwhelm a couple to the point of failure

[@LfunkeyA]

biologically, it doesn't make sense to have sex over 50, to be honest. menopause, and a drop in sex drive (for both genders) are normal. doesn't mean it becomes a loveless relationship. the problem is that this happens way before 50 for many.

[@melkerner]

@@LfunkeyA I disagree. Sounds like a wrong headed excuse for simply being a bad partner.

[@mysterio1570]

@@LfunkeyA I am 52 male. I find myself thinking about sex/romantic intimacy more now then I was in high school.

[@brettvaughn1058]

This was a great 9 minute conversation. There is so much here that is not related to sex that is nuanced. Not so much in what you say “ but how you translate it from Spanish to French”. The patterns of communication are so important. You shut someone down once you may have destroyed the trust and you go down a path to destroying the relationship because you cannot be trusted by the other person to be receptive or honest or not cruel. Most relationships are lacking trust and are therefore inauthentic.

[@andreguilherme2781]

That's what happened in my last relationship. I stopped feeling that she was open to understanding me, my needs and my insecurities. When the trust was over, the relationship was over.

[@lady4recovery]

Every one of your interviews I have watched I have found fascinating- thank you

[@savage1971]

You should check out her Ted Talk on Cheating...its where I saw her first...so many years ago...mind opening.

[@BadddDoggg-id4po]

I've been watching these types of videos for months. She says it right when she says it's a 'sleuth game'. Men all around the world are still investigating this mystery.

[@DJPapzin]

🎯 Key Takeaways for quick navigation: 00:54 Redefining *Sexlessness* - Sexlessness is not solely about frequency but encompasses a lack of physicality, affection, and touch. - Urges exploring a broad definition of sex beyond traditional notions, focusing on emotional connection and quality experiences. 02:43 Rich *Aspects of Sexuality* - Explores the multifaceted aspects of sexuality, including touch, fantasy, imagination, and effective communication. - Emphasizes the importance of developing a positive sexual vocabulary and paying attention to the partner's responses. 05:29 Factors *Affecting Sexual Dynamics* - Highlights various factors influencing sexual dynamics, such as health, trauma, body image, and medication side effects. - Discusses the need for a comprehensive conversation beyond narrow queries about attraction and frequency. 07:48 Facilitating *Conversations About Fantasies* - Advocates for open conversations about fantasies and desires in relationships. - Introduces a playful approach, like a card game, to create a comfortable space for discussing intimate topics and encouraging honesty. Made with HARPA AI

[@VeeKayGreenerGrass]

Most people don't understand intimacy is broader than PIV. Especially men.

[@codykrueger796]

None of these are solutions, just defining the problem better.

[@jimj2683]

BS. Intimacy IS PIV. I am not going to stay in a relationship just to lick a vagina with my tongue. What is the point in that? It is disgusting and sad.@@VeeKayGreenerGrass

[@psychwolf7590]

​@@codykrueger796 Which is pretty essential to solving the problem

[@earlgrey2130]

Fuck AI generated content

[@nareshvasishth4034]

Marriages are like a river. It starts with relish and Ganges, Indus, Mississippi, Colorado I have been married for 65 years. New connections must be found. That takes imagination and effort and managing like a business. It is worth it.

[@per_growth]

Truly happy it has worked out for you. Sadly, statistics will show that a lifelong partner is just not for everyone. While marriage can give you children (and you will love them unconditionally) - marriage is not a prerequisite for having a child. In fact, I can't think of ANYTHING that marriage is a prerequisite for (other than monogamy).

[@nareshvasishth4034]

@@per_growth Most marriages end badly. Look at history? Roman Empire, Mogul Empire, British Empire and Mahabharata, Ramayana, Quran and much more. Charles Darwin was right. The marriages that survive that adapt to inevitable changes that take place and are inevitable. Good Luck

[@Antiqueexcavator]

Advice to couples: never stop making out. Most do. It doesn’t have to lead to anything more and most of the time shouldn’t. But make a conscious effort to do it every day. No matter what. And never stop. Just for a minute.

[@RationalNon-conformist]

No thanks.. my man better not wag his tongue at me, I’ll save that for the bedroom. A nice tender kiss will do. Making out is not the key ingredient, if it works for you, then that’s awesome.. listening and being tender with each other is really important though.

[@agentorange153]

The very words I live by!

[@shaunaf2811]

Yup! I read an article like 20 years ago that suggested couples that share at least one "10 second kiss" daily, were happier, had better communication, reported better sex and stayed together longer.

[@agentorange153]

@@shaunaf2811 Just one???

[@Antiqueexcavator]

@@agentorange153 right!! lol

[@viviennelebel1165]

Been watching her for years...she is aboustly brillant !!

[@jackiesaltos]

Soo good. Truth. Deep conversations lead to understanding then to deeper connection and sex. Beautiful cycle

[@chriscaldow1644]

You gotta be in a relationship with a kind, pleasant and attractive person first to lay the foundations for a passionate and affectionate/ intimacy. If those boxes are not ticked, it’s really hard to fire up the engine of sexual desire. It’s not as simple as saying you’ve gotta make an effort and almost force it. That’s not organic or arousing. You can’t manufacture or negotiate genuine burning desire ….

[@joyrockwood942]

Amen!

[@treyd3433]

So true... been with my wife for close to 18 years... still cant keep our hands off each other

[@janissirsnins8364]

@@treyd3433 That's incredible 🙏

[@bgirl08]

@@treyd3433that’s amazing.

[@SuperSyro1]

Dead bedrooms often stem from a lack of genuine, lasting desire. Initially, the "honeymoon phase" drives frequent sexual activity, a phase any woman might experience with any partner. However, if her desire isn't genuine beyond this phase, sexual activity diminishes with deeper commitment, such as in becoming a girlfriend or wife. This issue underscores the importance of discerning whether a woman's interest is deeply rooted in genuine desire or merely a response to the excitement of a new relationship. Without genuine desire, the relationship risks becoming unsatisfying as it progresses. In relationships, actions often reveal more than words, especially if a woman's genuine desire is in question. She may say things to maintain security or stability, true or not, particularly when that security feels threatened. Therefore, it's crucial to observe her actions and behavior for a true indication of her feelings and intentions, rather than relying solely on what she says. This approach helps in understanding whether the relationship is based on genuine desire and mutual respect or if it's primarily driven by the pursuit of stability.

[@onyx2576]

I'm one of these women

[@bernardojacobi6877]

Goes both ways

[@desireeskumachan]

Your framing here is way too narrow and is even against some of the facts & findings from Esther

[@NathanDudani]

fAcTs​@@desireeskumachan

[@sertaoexpedicoes]

Interesting, but possibly not so simple. But it makes some sense to me after some issues with my 18 year marriage.

[@silviak.s.8236]

Such an amazing conversation !! Thank you so much !!

[@arthurmurfitt7698]

I’ve been following Esther for a while now, she knows so much

[@TracyGall]

The problem is both partners lacking in TRYING - us girls TRY to be desirable and sexy in the beginning and want to please and the guys TRY to make the girl feel wanted and be sweet and cuddly and both sides become complacent and it snowballs outta control. That's why they say marriage takes WORK

[@makeupwithmarianne1686]

She is amazing 😍 the facts she is sharing is what most guys needs to hear but don't

[@kittyroars8758]

Porn being so freely accessible is absolutely killing intimacy and ruining relationships. In my opinion.

[@ava-jl1ll]

Yes

[@kittyroars8758]

@@EllaBella-76 💜💜

[@kshitijsingh8424]

You know for me who are not getting the sexual access it is the best recourse. Many of theem now are afraid of doing the tango to obtain sexy. Its super hard and for many of them the effort is not worth it. Which is why OF has blow through the roof and men just checking out

[@Sweeden007]

@@EllaBella-76 That's not what she meant. She meant that because of pornography there is no longer any intimacy. People have no room in their life when they are using pornography to be intimate. They are tricking their brain.

[@82fdny97]

Porn comes after the sexlessness

[@healthylifestyle3427]

Ok, I finally pushed that subscribed button. Interesting that this way of phrasing is working. Also thanks for having interesting conversations with interesting people!

[@stephaniefortney22]

A Brilliant Jewel… Esther’s Insight, and Knowledge is Priceless. Her podcast and books are Incredibly Helpful- highly suggest one look into Her work- she’s been at it for decades, I think She’s Wonderful… Sex-is a sensitive private subject for many……Her Non-Judgmental Approach, Her Clarity, and Wisdom is Inviting, listening to Her work you discover we’re not alone in out thinking, and She gets Real … It’s in Our willingness to Learn and Understand through Humility we evolve within, our Sex life can only Improve- We learn how to Know ourselves, to Be Vulnerable, to Be Safe within and others, we Create a Deeper Connection…..Thank you for sharing this piece of your interview, it’s Point On, Can’t wait to listen to the rest of this Podcast….Grateful

[@psalm2forliberty577]

Wow I didn't fully realize how awesome my late wife & loved each other. We were genuinely intimate & passionately in love for 31 of our 31 years of marriage. It was real, genuine & never merely routine. My goal was always her pleasure first, then mine last...and I was very skilled at gjving her pleasure. Heaven called her away 3.5 years ago - truly we dont know what we have until its gone... But I was so Richly BLESSED that the memories alone keep me warm at night. And in Christ she now is FULLY ALIVE and our parting was by no means Goodbye but rather "see you very shortly my Dear one...."

[@elizabythesea72]

Sounds beautiful

[@kattrinaj6575]

Beautiful

[@joanofarcxxi]

Sometimes men don't tell women their fantasies because they already know the women are not going to like it. Instead of looking for a new partner, you should discuss it. The truth of life is that you will never find anyone who will fulfill you in every way, because people have different tastes, and everyone should have certain boundaries. If you get one thing with one person, you will not get it another, and so on. If you have a good relationship, connection, affection, intimacy and satisfactory sex, why do you have to expect more? People now live under the assumption that they are entitled to everything, and if one person does not provide them with everything they want, they become unhappy and think something is wrong, and therefore it's better elsewhere. No, hunny bunny. The grass is not greener across the street. You will have to give up on one thing to get another. Be honest and communicate and understand that none of us is supposed to make all your sexual fantasies come true. Many men, I find have quite a low understanding of women sexually, no mater how many partners they have had. I am an educator, and I once showed a group of men an image of the female reproductive system, and asked the men in attendance to come up to the board and label as many parts as possible. The results were comical. How can you satisfy a woman when you don't know what you are even looking at, or how it functions? If you get most of your sex education from porn, you will never be a good lover.

[@gra6799]

Well put People can often put big expectations on one person and that can be a killer for both We are all human being with flaws aspirations and insecurities

[@RationalNon-conformist]

Great comment, on point!

[@SQUELCH-zj7il]

"Honey I want you to shit on my chest"

[@alexandrecudre2947]

The reproductive system thing also goes the other way. But that long text shows an interesting and common bias: men are perceived to be ignorant of women’s bodies. But what about the other way around? The critic always goes only that way. No wonder men are also frustrated.

[@dislexas]

I ended up with a low libido partner because of the fear of male fantasies, which often are hurtful, dangerous or unpleasant for the woman. Porn ruined sex

[@blunttalkingoffspring]

I love hearing her..she gets to the point..❤..

[@Antiqueexcavator]

It’s truly amazing how many couples I know that have sexless marriages. And it’s been years not months.

[@RationalNon-conformist]

I suspect it’s hormonal issues, antipsychotics (which lowers sex drive), poor diet, which also lowers sex drive, etc.

[@emontzka]

We went 16 years with no sex. She said it was too painful. Would you have sex at someone else’s expense?

[@agentorange153]

@@emontzka The two of you should have consulted an OB/GYN -- there are ways to get rid of pain, PROVIDED you know EXACTLY what's wrong!

[@Clleonie]

Did you have intimacy in other ways ? Also, are you having sex again ? You said "for 16 years", meaning not any longer ?​@@emontzka

[@phonesgiveeveryoneadhd2826]

​@@emontzkayou are a saint.

[@painfree.yourself]

Thank you for the interesting interview and the information given ❤

[@danieljackson654]

How wonderful are these words. Implied though not explicit, an insightful glimpse of the "mid-life crisis. For men, the first response: search for another partner.

[@Oshmoshy]

A lot of these guests have got that much money I think they are out of touch with reality for what life is like for most people day to day. One of the guests recently said “Making money is a mindset. You either have the mind to make money or you don’t” as if it’s that simple and that easy. An easy thing to say if you’re already wealthy. And that’s what I feel this podcast has a lot of, rich people saying things that are easy to say because they’re rich.

[@Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeow]

she's right.

[@louisemmanuel5395]

It is a mindset... the change has to start in your mind

[@MrBigGun100]

You're right. The problem with being born poor is you'll often be instilled with certain belief system that is limiting (either through ignorance or necessity) and even changes that happen to your physiological and neurological systems too. Take for example the marshmallow test which is often lauded as an indicator of who has better success in life, where they conclude that delaying gratification leads to better life outcomes. Yes, it does. But what if you are born into a world of scarcity (poverty), then immediate gratification is necessary for basic survival and fulfillment. You have to seize upon the opportunity immediately, or the chance is lost. To change this environment, a behavior change is needed. How do we do that? It has to start with attitude. It's only through an attitude change that changes will start to occur in the other bodily systems. This is all supported by science including neuroscience and other physiological studies. How do we get this to happen? For me it has to do with education. Inspire kids to believe. Unfortunately, we are nowhere near this being a reality. Until that happens it is a tragedy of wasted human potential for me.

[@Corrans]

Amen

[@KD19192]

They made their money themselves in the same reality. How ? So many things come to mind. First of all to get rich you need a business. Get good at sales, communication and have good marketers. Think about what you are gonna sell, is it really solving problems so that people buy it from me. Your limiting belief is gross 🤢. Those wealthy self-made guys only developed a skill and they worked hard and smart ( which you do by reflecting on your mistakes ) . Now reflect on your life, because chances are that you are lazy, maybe you work a job but then when you find time, you get in a rut. Be productive my friend, invest on yourself. And yeah the answer is a mindset shift and short term planning for long term goals.

[@conniejohnson4800]

Esther is fabulous with getting to the nitty gritty.

[@beebetter-plz]

Wonderful--so beautifully explained.

[@daviddjerassi]

I enjoy your videos they search for truth meaning facts without BS i am a subscriber and always give them a thumbs up Thank you.

[@isabelamacavei8418]

Your mind has to be aligned with your body and spirit. Take one out, and you'll see the difference in intimacy!

[@Ziggy9000]

My sex life and marriage ended from extreme stress. I thought I just wasn't into her anymore but I think I had dorsal vagal shutdown. Took lots of meditation and other techniques to calm the vagal nerve to be able to feel again. So consider stress and a factor in your sex life.

[@Quality_Culture]

Biggest difference between men and women is their level of testosterone. Stressed (business) men need sex to relax, stressed (business) women need silence or a lot of conversation / affection from their partner.

[@woodman1701]

Sounds like a set up for the husband to have sex elsewhere.

[@Dee-x9f]

I'm a 61 yo woman - that's not ever remotely true. An orgasm-or a few-is the greatest de-stressor for a woman!

[@stephenmartland-buck9590]

Just hearing Esther talk about the questions we should be asking our selves (what we want from sex) I found quite arousing. Not in a weird way, but just the openness and challenging convention. Please tell me am not alone here 😂

[@hayley44448]

I'm with ya 😅

[@aafgahfah]

i dont think that inserting the word “genuine” into the phrase actually solves anything.

[@RationalNon-conformist]

While I agree with Esther on many points, I can’t help but notice how she does not live in reality. Esther and her husband don’t have a traditional marriage, he lives across the globe and she’s in NY half of the year, I believe. She also mentioned that Covid was the first they had spent any measurable amount of time together. She does not live the day to day most people live: lower income, both are working parents, no Nanny/housekeeper, etc. Also, the world has become way too modernized, with too much social media, too many expectations, it really affects relationships. If you lived in a cabin in the middle of nowhere, had the ability to stay home with your children, husband goes out to work and gets home.. you have dinner, the children go to sleep, and then you have an hour by the fire together.. but life is not like this, unfortunately. People spend way too much time on social media, pornography, etc. Also, think about how many people are on antipsychotics, which affects personality and sex drive - she is missing key points here, then the narcissistic dynamic, which exists. I’m afraid the root cause of the breakdown of relationships isn’t fully being explored in her discussions. It’s not so simple. What may work for one relationship, may not work for the next relationship, so you need to figure out what you can do better yourself, and hopefully your partner does the same.

[@radlink14]

Esther provides data based on her client experience. Think about it, if she provided guidance with her personal experience, is it truly beneficial to general humanity? No, she'd just be another Jay Shetty who does this. Jay provides guidance on his beliefs and values based on his own experience and relationship, that's an influencer. Esther approaches all her guidance from experiences with humans. She's a knowledge of knowledge worker.

[@superlissy90]

A therapist doesn't need to have lived the clients experience to be able to offer help. That's impossible.

[@aknshab9874]

I see the point .

[@echase416]

Time apart is one of the secrets to a good love life and marriage.

[@Angry_Lion]

All i hear is excuses

[@mahaalotaibi8352]

It's so sad because it reminded me of my ex husband the reason I loved him and could never forget him is the way he was so playful with me. He would tickle me at times and just be so funny and childlike we played and teased eachother so much. It's that simple. We had deep connection way beyond sex, he was never forceful or desperate. He always made me feel so comfortable in myself and my body! That's why it was very easy to bond with him sexually. 😢

[@smmds]

Why did you breakup?

[@rossdobson1545]

She says it without saying it. Physical fitness is extremely important for sex especially as you age. My sex drive was always normal when I was younger. Around 23-26 it kind of dropped off. I wasn't healthy smoking, eating like crap working long hours for days at a time. Since then I have gotten myself in the best shape of my life. I run 5-10KM twice a week, Resistance train 4 times a week and do MMA. I get 8 hours of sleep every night or try to. I properly hydrate that doesn't mean just 2-3L of water per day. That means balancing the electrolytes in your body sodium/ potassium. Taking supplements that are effective creatine, Omega3, Vitamin D/D3 and anything you may deficient in. Before making these changes I had ED issues and used Cialis. Now I have no issues and wake up with morning wood quite often. Have no issues getting and maintaining an erection. I'm 34. Start with the basics.

[@Prisoner4011]

I just love this lady. She's so inspiring

[@claudiaclutch1958]

I'm sorry but when she said " try 16 years " 😂 Steven reaction😮😮

[@phoenixrisin2269]

Sex is not intimacy. Dogs have sex. In to me I See. You must have someone to trust with you while being vulnerable. You must work on that everyday using everything at your disposal to foster an environment of trust and openness to explore ones own sexuality, which includes a deep spiritual and emotional connection.

[@razarraz8276]

So I'm a 27yrs old virgin male. For me I do not think sex is as important in a relationship as society makes it out to be. What is important is intimacy, do you and your partner like to hold each other, hug each other ect. The women I've been most attracted to romantically, I do not see them as sexually as I see them intimately.

[@BOKtober]

How can you judge how important sex is without having done it? Not possible

[@razarraz8276]

@@BOKtober pretty easily actually 🤷

[@bayleymacintosh5622]

Sex and intimacy go hand in hand. Sex should be intimate. Maybe you mean the act of sex isnt that important. But sex in the expression of intimacy is so important.

[@razarraz8276]

@@bayleymacintosh5622 yes that's what I mean.

[@Chris-hp2gg]

She came so hard that I thought she was going to pass out. She was brought to tears. 😮

[@Commonsenseisnotcommon8]

If there’s no intimacy or sex in my relationship, I’m out. I mean, I understand if you’re ill or you’re way for work. I might give you a couple weeks but that’s about it sorry. And I’m female. But sex is a huge part of a relationship for me. But intimacy is above that. And from all things I hear from men I know women are not very intimate with their partners. It’s usually the number one reasons they cheat they don’t feel intimately connected with their wives. This works for asexual people.

[@alexandrecudre2947]

Many men take sex for granted as some point and many women take men’s presence for granted, even without sex. Both are wrong.

[@juliaphillips2518]

Please can you link her game in your description?

[@SacredMatrix888]

She is so precious ❤

[@issy_b_onair]

Dude, your content is brilliant. 👏 Thank you sooo much.

[@nathalie5238]

Scary to hear that so many people stop having sex 😱 As a woman I admit that my drive diminishes yet I never went longer than 1 week without sex. At one point is want sex too and enjoy it! For me when playfulness and connection is completely over I am out. And I did leave my ex. What she mentioned is a big one: what most people view as sex is rubish! Sex is sensual it involves all of your senses

[@chumleyk]

Don't lure someone into falling in love with you because of sex only for you to turn it off once you have them emotionally invested. So many people use sex as a lure for security when they aren't actually attracted to their 'target' physically. The signs are there from the beginning, learn to see them and take action.

[@nicholascameron6603]

I love these kinds of discussions but I find we oftentimes skirt around topics needing deeper attention. As a guy and husband myself, I can tell you that women are the gatekeepers of sex so if she doesn't want it then it's not happening. I struggle with the dance of foreplay and romance to a degree because (unless you're on vacation) the experience can't last over an hour. Oftentimes I suspect women feel it's not worth the trouble because Perhaps they don't experience orgasm the same way men do. Men can go at the drop of a hat and oftentimes daily so I think this becomes tiresome for women.

[@scatalin09]

Spot on.

[@deepaknambisan3251]

This 🎯🎯🎯

[@piak78]

Climax doesn't happen sometimes especially in long term relationships. Even though the foreplay was great. That doesn't mean the session was a failure. U try again at a later time. Humans cannot be perfect all the time.

[@adacasas511]

There is so much sensuality and passion if only one would slow down. Take another look at one another. Roll play is a beautiful thing, too. Have fun and enjoy your adventures 😊

[@bayleymacintosh5622]

Our society certainly doesnt endorse slowing down! We have to make a conscious effort to do so

[@polkprincess2714]

More on this topic please. Especially men not wanting sex over 50

[@danashaw2578]

Amen

[@1brenmaster]

It's a testosterone thing. I found that creeping in when I entered my 50's , lifting heavy and keeping the weight off makes a big difference. Then there's the dynamics. If the man has always been the one to initiate and follow the bedroom rules set out by her and this runs parallel to lowering testosterone you have a perfect storm of disinterest. So send him to the gym, learn how to initiate once in a while ( and fail at this) and break the bedroom routine. Get playful. I'm 55. I might not have sex for a week or have sex every day that week. It's less of a biological urge now but I also know what role it plays in a relationship so I endeavour to go with quality over quantity. Then there's some days you just want sex but don't need to feel like you have to perform. She gets it and it all leads to a Healthy sex life. A big tip would be if you want him to be your king in bed treat him like a king once in a while. Men only have to be complemented once. That will be the default state till you tell him otherwise. If you put in the ground work you'll be paid back in spades.

[@andydelassus2734]

Marry the right person. Nothing else makes a difference if you fuck that up.

[@HM-mw7cg]

While I find Perel interesting, I’ve never heard her fully articulate why so many men lose sexual interest in their partner. Why they can fully love a woman but no longer be attracted to her sexually. She’s mentioned this being down to desire, but from there on out most of her solutions seem more applicable to a female psyche than a man’s

[@JohnDretired]

Too much nagging.

[@christopherconnolly6835]

Interesting. I'd say a massive majority of women are influencing the lack of interest in sex. Image being shut down by your partner sooo many times that it's easier to just put sex on the back burners.

[@HM-mw7cg]

@@christopherconnolly6835 yeah this is common, but I do think there exists a significant number of men who lose sexual interest in their partner for other reasons. Plenty of guys tell me their gf/wife wants regular sex but for them it’s a bit of a chore. One reason could be that the most basic orgasm, when actually had, is much more pleasurable for a woman than a quick ejaculation is for a man. So as long as woman is orgasming she’s relatively happy, while for a man an ejaculation is a dime a dozen. She’s hinted before that this may have something to do with men viewing their long term gf or wife less as a sexual object and more as a mothering/caretaker type…too much intimacy. But I don’t think that’s the full picture and distance doesn’t always solve it

[@dennisharry8408]

Another reason is because many men marry their wives because they are attracted to her appearance and not her personality. When her looks fade, the attraction fades. Whereas when you are attracted to who the woman is, that love creates the attraction and therefore the desire for intimacy with her.

[@BboyCorrosive]

You gotta be a chick asking this surely. As to a man it's obvious.

[@Lena-y6s]

Brilliant woman! Thank you Thank you

[@maltedmilk6888]

#1 consideration when having sex is to have a partner to have sex with

[@jccuchvjvj]

Sleeping together is killing it. Always sleep alone and sleep 8 hours.

[@sanjsub1800]

This comment is so true people take note

[@aabidadar5532]

I love your comment 💕I laughed so hard, thanks

[@sarahsue42]

Silly rule I enjoy sleeping alone when I don't do it constantly I enjoy sleeping with a partner when I don't do it constantly Sleep as much as your body needs,not more or less 8 hours is a myth,we all need different amounts

[@Madamchief]

Excellent rule. My husband and I have separate rooms because he sucks at sleep

[@Clleonie]

​@@Madamchiefhow is that for your sex life ?

[@marcuslang6153]

The 'performance model' you are talking about - is actually a good baseline👍🏼🥰

[@HeavenlyLights]

selfish in public = selfish in private

[@deborahkempton5884]

Delicious! Ester you are sublime ❤ thank you for your wonderful way of expressing the depth of this part of our lives.

[@danielle8.]

Loved this !

[@AntonelaBregu]

Yes I have 8 months me and my husband dont have and he has not interested in me we have sometime and a got pregnant and he say I am worried for you and we had 3 time in year and 2 of them are not really good

[@amc3964]

People need to be close to have those conversations; the chicken or the egg??

[@glennwhitney1494]

Esther Perel is brilliant.

[@Renato24]

Yeah she's brilliant at not answering questions. Just prattle.

[@evad7933]

Giving someone what they have stated they like in sex is like giving them what they have said they want for Christmas. It is nowhere near as satisfying for them as correctly anticipating.

[@skorpion7132]

This right here is the problem. Just enjoying together isn't good enough. Everything needs to be flawless, so there's supposed experts all over the shop pretending like they know whats best for any random person and/or couple. Its like people can't function anymore without having or needing a manual for stuff.

[@a_k3730]

If its not for you pass

[@eliadvo]

He is such a good interviewer but I want to hear her answer to when you ask the ppl who arent having sex w their partner if they touch or kiss or have skin to skin contact either, what is the answer?

[@jules-bz5vc]

She is so correct.

[@KP-dd2ci]

1.5x speed is ok for the impatient

[@bigedslobotomy]

I’ve seen too many women deemphasize sex in their relationship and then act surprised when they “aren’t as close as they used to be.” Guys are always up for sex, but when they get consistently turned down, they withdraw.

[@067captain]

Spot on!

[@bayleymacintosh5622]

What are men doing to help their partner want and be open to sex? I agree though that women may need to work on opening themselves up to sex but there are many underlying issues that make this difficult, both societally and psychologically.

[@maxpflughoeft6806]

@@bayleymacintosh5622if a man loves and cares for and provides for and makes his woman feel safe, what has he not done to deserve reciprocation?

[@bayleymacintosh5622]

@@maxpflughoeft6806 In that scenario, hes probably not being deprived of sex. I was speaking in the scenario where the man is not emotionally attuned to his wife, doesnt meet her needs outside of tje bedroom, but expects sex. Those are the "underlying issues" I was referring to.

[@TheWhooah]

Does this lady solve problems or make them? She greets every question with contempt

[@SteveWKk]

I think it’s a French thing

[@wyleecoyotee4252]

She's great

[@linnetmbotto7212]

She wants you to understand more than just the answer of the questions

[@HM-mw7cg]

@@SteveWKkshe’s Belgian and the Belgians are nowhere near as arrogant or annoying as the french or people from any other their neighbouring countries tbh. Chill populace

[@oscarmike7980]

Sad reality: you can’t avoid it if your partner doesn’t care about sex or affection. And you can’t foresee it. One day and a person can change. The other aspect is a marriage is only real if you serve the other person. Good luck with that. Life is tragic.

[@stephendippenaar9986]

Life is short don't be with someone who don't wanna enjoy time or be with you.

[@skorpion7132]

Don't worry, when you as a man at at best above average but below alpha-male chad, that will come automatically.

[@stephendippenaar9986]

@@skorpion7132 Ye true as having options it does make me picky and move on quickly if i don't like something or a relationship

[@per_growth]

Do these count as "sex": 1) starfish sex 2) endless prohibitive rules. 3) getting it once a month (is this still a sexless marriage) Sex seems to be very much open to ANY interpretation - the wife may see giving in once a month as a 'healthy sex life' - while the husband is expecting 4x a month. How do you draw the lines and agree to any of it?

[@bayleymacintosh5622]

Expecting sex is your first mistake

[@melkerner]

Approaching 7 years, Wife will not engage - completely shut down. Nothing beyond hand holding, and occasional 'cuddle" always requiring something between us, pillows, covers, dog... She refuses to discuss "the elephant in the room", even though the issue is acknowledged. I am 59 - trying to stay on good shape, no meds, no diabetes, etc... Wife on the other hand, cholesterol, Prozac for migraines (which lowers libido) PCOS combined with Perimenopause - it's a sh*t show of emotional and physical numbness.

[@hb9018]

Just the way you speak about her…….signals you’re not in touch with her enough for her to want to engage anything.

[@melkerner]

@@hb9018 You don't quite understand - I am not disparaging her - quite the contrary, I am at a loss on what else to do but continue to try and understand and work towards complete reconciliation. My work and hers, together. there are a lot of complexities making this situation what it is - not just "me". You are projecting a bit.

[@FreeAgent99]

Get ready for divorce, sadly

[@melkerner]

@@FreeAgent99 That has been discussed and we are working through it - but it is challenging, and very concerning when the previously described "elephant in the room" is dismissed as not willing to talk about yet. Therapists are involved, but waiting. is a challenge also....

[@booksquid856]

​@@melkerner Just asking for curiosity's sake....Are you at all familiar with what emotional abuse looks like, and could it be possible you may have mistreated her in this way without realizing it? A lot of therapists don't even get to THAT elephant in the room.

[@Mark-hu9tf]

A sexless marriage is not a marriage. It's a friendship at best.

[@love19398]

It is not even a healthy friendship

[@windelf1]

Any two people can decide whatever the hell they want a marriage to be and it is no one else's business. I am sure there are some people living happier in a sexless marriage then those riding the roller coaster of some sexual ones ..

[@purestdj]

Marriage is so much more than that, there are all sorts of reasons for people not being able to have sex anymore, disability, mental health, illness, trauma….none of those are reasons to dismiss a marriage as just friendship.

[@bayleymacintosh5622]

​@@purestdjperhaps his wording is off. A sexless marriage that isnt agreed upon mutally may be problematic.

[@FatesRanger]

What is the game they talk about?

[@merimindgarden]

Brilliant thank you

[@zahidmahomed6553]

This is more of friendship ,rather than a marriage, maybe dont marry and be friends for life ,more intamacy that leads to better understanding i would say.

[@abcabc9893]

This is the norm.... once the kids come the sex stops....but it's not just the sex.... the relationship has closed down long ago.... people don't realize how widespread this is.... 90%..... but it doesn't fix by sex... this is foolish... it's fixed by bringing back connection.... the sex then follows....

[@agentorange153]

Tell that to Chrissy Horton -- she had FIVE kids in SEVEN years (and currently has a sixth on the way), and she did NOT stop having sex with her husband because of that!

[@77eah]

That is my life exactly

[@wandizzle]

She was asked questions but wasn't really answering them, rather listing issues it seemed

[@Christian-xv5bj]

The only cure I have seen in the world is: you create a life of your own as a man. You take the women along for an amazing ride and let them be a part of your world. You have a personal cause greater and more important than a relationship and love. Attraction then stays. As soon as your worlds merge und you are equal partners, you are done. Attraction first and foremost in women fades extremely quickly when that happens. You can't negotiate desire in a long term relationship and planning it is extremely boring for both parties. In addition to this, when you don't like yourself, sex becomes impossible.

[@VeeKayGreenerGrass]

Alignment of values and purpose.

[@kjell-olavmossestad5401]

Best thing as a man is to realize and accept that there is only one woman that is capable to love you as the man you are.. your mother. As soon as men leave their childhood, the possibility to be really loved by a woman is gone. The love a woman show for their man, looks like love.. but its never really. Its affection and admiration.. that is all women are capable of. Its just nature.. noones fault. As long as the man are doing everything right, his woman are convinced that she really love him, but its really only affection and admiration. We as men must learn not to need love from any woman other than our mother.. and be the strong one who gives and show love, and expect nothing in return. Men on the other hand, is capable of loving a woman without admiring her. Its just biology people

[@VeeKayGreenerGrass]

@@kjell-olavmossestad5401 women are love itself. We don't see it as something outside of ourselves. It's men who expect us to see it that way.

[@kjell-olavmossestad5401]

@@VeeKayGreenerGrass The amount of ego behind that statement, just proves women are prone to narcissism and men need to stop expecting anything from her, because she knows not how to take accountability for anything she does or does not do. Just like a covert narcissist 😊

[@VeeKayGreenerGrass]

@@kjell-olavmossestad5401 most people cannot define love without talking about feelings. Love is an action.

[@clausthalerstudentin]

00:50 1:50 3:20 6:50

[@DM-oy4wj]

I'm going to research testosterone injections for my husband. It's been years for me without intimacy. I have a very high sex drive and I'm suffering. :(

[@OBCBTTB]

Androgel is far easier. You rub the gel into your upper arms. Your husband would need to consult a doctor to obtain a prescription. It has other benefits. Better mood, more energy, and possibly a flatter stomach.

[@DM-oy4wj]

@OBCBTTB thank you i will look into that 😊

[@pm3262]

Exactly, exactly as of minute 3:15.

[@jamesengelbarts5590]

I haven't had sex with my wife for 22 years. I finally told her I wanted a divorce.

[@bayleymacintosh5622]

Thats probably best for both of you.

[@thebestdima]

Very profound 👏

[@lamarquescoleman9747]

How can I order that card game

[@javaChai]

Went over my head

[@justincase7848]

I think she is mesmerizing to listen to. Clearly a thinking and passionate peeson. And then i saw her name and realized she was jewish and laughed. Makes so much sense.

[@Maximum7077]

What are you talking about ? 😂

[@justincase7848]

​@@Maximum7077I have noticed that often Jewish people tend to be different in certain ways. Of course there are no hard and fast rules. But it's a pattern I have noticed.

[@Maximum7077]

Thats weird. But i didnt met a lot of jews yet. So who knows.@@justincase7848

[@rare1walking]

@@justincase7848What is your perception of Jewish people within this comment, above?

[@justincase7848]

​@rare1walking I don't consider myself an expert at all... Just my perception based on the people I have encountered in life - obviously there is huge Individual variation. But in a general sense, I tend to find that Jewish people are more likely to have an "inner sparkle"- some kind of internal depth which manifests as creative/searching thinking in some shape or form.

[@nurkeyali8325]

Rule number one of sex: if she wants it, you have to doit and if he wants it you have to do it. If you dont like sex dont get married and punish others.

[@broccolipropaganda]

Does she sell these cards she talks about? Because I couldn’t find them online

[@elliegonzaleza]

Amazon has it. Look up “where should we begin game of stories”

[@broccolipropaganda]

@@elliegonzaleza oh thank you

[@broccolipropaganda]

oh my. its 143 EUR on French amazon... too pricy for me.