DATING WHILE TRANSITIONING - Just The Tips: Ep. 10

[@soyeahimlaura]

Dobby's stare at Ryan at 4:36 melted my heart. Fantastic video, RJ! Love hearing different perspectives.

[@RyanCassata]

hahaha I didn't notice that!

[@Neisza]

Ryan Cassata I have one question to you: you said that if a person loves you enough and is comfortable with themselves enough they would still date you despite transition. Maybe I read it incorrectly but do you mean by it that for example if a lesbian, woman who's not attracted to men, would no longer want to be in relationship then the problem is in her, in her lack of open-mindedness? I've noticed your nod to claim that sexuality (apparently in general) is fluid and I've seen you saying in other vid that you're not only attracted to women. I know from my experiences that many non-exclusive people like to assume that deep down everyone else is and feels just like them. But that's not the case, even in scientific theory based on logitudinal research of Lisa Diamond, to which you knowingly or unknowingly refer to since she coined the term "sexual fluidity", she pointed out that only some people have "fluidity potential", which is actually separated thing from sexual orientation itself (which according to her is solid), and the only group that was "extremely solid" in her research were women who have always been exclusively sexually attracted to women (her studies are on sexual minority women). You're aware what testosterone does to body. A lesbian woman, who's sexually attracted solely to women, would lose her attraction for a transman after his body started to change and most of his female secondary sex characteristics turned into male sex characteristics, even including such things like pheromones. To hold it against her is in my opinion not that different from picking on a lesbian that she doesn't want to give cis men a chance. But if I misunderstood your words, then I apologize for my rant.

[@autumnphillips151]

I love that quote :) "It's more about the person than the plumbing."

[@ConfuzzledTomato]

I can so relate to this, I'm straight woman and my "boyfriend" recent came out as mtf trans. We still chose to be together and Im not regretting it so far.Knowing that there are others who did the same comforts me :)

[@hearthearts23]

This video was the reason I came out, I told my family I was pan the day this video was posted because of Ryan's wise words about being in the community. I can not believe I've already been out for a year. I'm so happy I did it, it was such a freeing experience and I was fortunate enough for everyone to accept me. Thank you R.J., thank you Ryan and thank you Stevie, my coming out might not have happened as quickly and confidently without this video. :)

[@TheNotAdam]

+hearthearts23 Oh my gosh this makes me so happy to hear!!!

[@erandle9581]

I love your quote "It's not the plumbing it's the person". I identify as mostly gay, but I was married for 9 years to a wonderful woman. People always say to me " well maybe you're straight" No I am somewhere in between. I prefer men but in the right circumstances I can be with a women...Thanks for your video today.

[@danwirt2640]

Dobby is rocking that video.

[@Anaprince]

I love how this video takes the ideology of labeling as one thing or the other and from three different accounts says, no, I am still me. Just because I am in a homosexual relationship it does not mean I am homosexual, I am me, I am bi. Just because I am a man who dates women does not mean I am in a heterosexual relationship, I am me, I am trans. Ect. It's really humanizing. Things arent one way or another. People are people and every relationship and identity is different but we accept each other because regardless of individual differences we are the same in the fact that we are still people. I love this message. I love this video. I love you guys. :)

[@toladep]

Stevie is so open minded it's really admirable.

[@TheReelCorner]

Great video peeps! Even though I'm gay there is soooooo much here that even I don't understand and find very informative. Your dog is also adorable :)

[@pabs661]

I really don't think I could keep a relationship if a boyfriend wanted to transition to female. I understand the point everyone's making about how love is love and that if you have a connection with someone, how can you just break it on the grounds of gender identity. But that's the whole point of the sexual orientation discourse, if you aren't attracted to a certain gender you are just not. And as much love as I could feel for these person at the end of the day she would turn into a person a just don't want to be intimate with anymore..... Very touchy subject

[@TheNotAdam]

I don't think anyone would say that there's anything wrong with breaking things off if your partner decided to transition, as long as you were still loving and supportive as possible. But it would also be unrealistic to expect someone not to transition and be true to themself in order to stay with you. There's no point in staying in a relationship where you can't be yourself.

[@Samuel115s]

I totally agree with you. I would not sexually find them attractive any more. To me they would now look like a woman and that defeats the whole purpose of why I am gay. Women's aperance dose not do it for me even if they do have a penis, it dose not matter.

[@nnnnnn8902]

pablo martinez Agree. Good for those who stay in the relationship, but also good for those who just move on and split up. I hate when people call transphobic to this situation. The heart wants what the heart wants. In many ocassions separated each peson will pursuit what they are really into.

[@Rel1369]

So funny, I am the mum (of adult children). I love your videos RJ as they have info that can help anyone not just gay/lesbian or tranz and i am all for opening peoples minds to things they either don't know or don't understand. Plus you have cute, funny and entertaining guests which includes Dobby.

[@notmtvorbet]

I'm so in love with Stevie help

[@twirlforme]

Thanks for the video! It was informative and helpful. You three should collaborate again!

[@rosejuliette5965]

I lost my girlfriend because I was trans. She went from being bisexual to being straight pretty quickly after I came out. It sucked.

[@NightFang150]

I saw this video and I was so happy. I'm a pre-transition trans man and me and one of my friends have been beating around the bush on getting together for quite a while now. The only thing stopping me was my gender identity because she identifies as asexual-homoromantic. I've been avoiding taking her out for months just because I was afraid of compromising her identity. I'm pansexual and a 3 on the Kinsey scale so I have no problem at all with the sex and gender of the person I'm in a relationship with. As of last Friday my friend and I are in a relationship together. We were finally able to take that step because I managed to get up the courage to talk to her about my worries. Apparently, she had already thought about it and come to the conclusion that she wouldn't want that to get it the way of our having a relationship.

[@teelo6875]

This just made everything so much clearer for me.

[@lilysmith9529]

I wouldn't mind dating a trans person. To me it wouldn't make any difference whether they are trans, les, bi, etc. all that really matters is how you feel about that person.

[@NE8675309]

Stevie is adorable and I LOVE her hair! Seriously though RJ, please do a video with a Bi-girl!

[@crystalkirby]

Dobby has SUCH a thing for Ryan. Just look at him!

[@anglosabroso]

Two true stories: (1) One of my best friends in school was (well, still is) an openly bi woman,who legally married an openly MTF trans woman in the midst of transitioning. They married when they were legally man and woman, and now both are women. My schoolmate wrote a brilliant paper on the legal implications of transitioning on marital status. (2) On the other side of the coin, a male college roommate of mine was unable to do the deed with a woman he was dating when he learned she was a post-op MTF trans woman--because, he told me, "In my mind, I kept picturing a dick there."

[@stevie]

[@JaydenloveJones]

sexuality is fluid and it is so good that we live in a time where people are making videos like this and talking about trans life. And you are so fucking funny stevie, hard not to crush on you....and you know that...fo sho. :-)

[@Neisza]

Jayden Jones You can only make such statement about your own sexuality, not insist that it's general rule, because this way it's erasing lesbian sexuality among the others, insinuate we are all deep down bisexual. And I wanted to mention that "sexual fluidity" is concept of sex researcher Lisa M. Diamond based on findings of her studies, but it doesn't mean that sexual orientation can change - Diamond rejects that idea. Basically, she theorizes that people have solid sexual orientation, which according to her definition is based only on generalized sexual attraction, "proceptivity", while romantic preferences are not hardwired, we all have potential to fall in love with anyone. In addition to that, there's "fluidity potential", ranging from non-existent to high, which basically is ability to develop sexual feelings for specific person outside of your sexual orientation pattern of attraction, usually in response to falling in love with that person first. Long story short: for Diamond, Sexual Orientation means people of what gender you have desire to have sex with, what bodies (male or female) turn you on, etc. Sexual Fluidity Potential - when you find that you're sexually attracted to one specific person of the "wrong" gender despite not being attracted to any other people of that person's gender. In some ways it's similar to the idea of "demisexuality", but demisexuals are normally asexual unless they develop feelings for some specific person.

[@TheBestofChawchi]

I definitely agree with you on the point that you love the person not the pluming, on the other hand, part of my identity is what I enjoy doing in the bedroom because I don't enjoy the company of the opposite sex for sexual means. This would be so hard, it would get to a point that all you could do is offer love and support with the mutual knowledge that both of you would be going on different paths because no one has the right to dictate how the other should act. It just feels shallow to say, if you change I won't like you anymore, but it also falls into the category that, you're changing to something which I already stay away from because I'm not attracted to it and don't see myself emotionally involved. This is such a complex issue.

[@justinlaine5837]

4:08 to 4:12 lololol rj fixes his junk

[@corey_el]

Love love love hearing all these different perspectives. Beautiful. Speaking of beautiful, hot damn, all three of you 😍

[@blackbirdfly0128]

I love Ryan's tattoos!

[@kimdegris9164]

If any of RJ's videos should have more views this is the one.

[@KnightsAndDarths]

I'll take it as a given we're talking about monogamous relationships. I think I could totally be in a relationship with someone with male gender identity, regardless of primary and secondary sex characteristics. I couldn't be in a relationship with someone with female gender identity. So I really don't see this happening to me, I mean a boyfriend coming out as trans. I've often heard trans people talk about people's inability to see them, to see past the exterior, It's kind of amazing to me, especially when you've known them for more than a while.

[@ricky.odriosola]

Look at all those cuties. :) Because of my sexuality, I don't think it would matter to me if my boyfriend or girlfriend came out to me as trans. I'd say you do you and I'll be here supporting.

[@MrAudienceMember2662015]

Persephone Sixty-Six I thought this might be of interest.

[@KaylaWalrus]

Great video!

[@Jbobadilla23]

Stevie is simply gorgeous!

[@TheFrancynana23]

Great video RJ! I love it! Kisses bye

[@GayChristianFellowship]

I just love your doggie! lol

[@voivodessa]

I must confess that I don't entirely understand transmen who date lesbians prior to transition and expect their girlfriends to stay with them. Do you think that you can change their sexuality to make it encompass men? Or you don't consider yourselves as "actual" men?

[@NicholasMatthews]

What is transitioning? Is it sort of like trans sexual? Someone help me out. :o Or do certain people physically translate (for example: female - masculine)? I don't mean to be disrespectful in no way, I'm just a little confused on what transitioning is.

[@sailornaruto39]

Transitioning is when a trans person starts taking steps to express their transness.

[@juliaflyte6817]

Awesome video ! I wish more people would talk about men who date trans men though, it seems like all the focus is on women who date trans men. idk

[@AndrewTiedeplus]

OK so I love your channel and I love how you go into all this detail and explain lgbt issues and facts. I am a pansexual man and I have no comprehension of how it feels to be asexual. I have always wondered does it feel like something is missing. I being pan and having my orientation be such a large part of who I am don't understand at all. I just wonder how an asexual feels and how they approach relationships differently. I know this isn't really a question directed at you so much. I don't know any asexuals who channels where this would be explained. So your channel is a go to for facts like this and if anyone knows of some asexual channels could they direct me please.

[@TheMetroman1]

Curious about thoughts on the opposite meaning Trans woman dating lesbian? I have had difficulty and would like to hear Stevie or Ryan's comments about this #justthetips

[@TransandtheTrainer5875]

This was very interesting. I am a transgender M to F and I've never really identified with the gay community. As a trans female, if I had to put a label, I would say that I was a straight trans female. I love men. I have no interest whatsoever to be with a woman sexually. Dating is difficult for me though because men who identify as straight that are attracted to me often become confused about their 'straight' status.

[@aliceallaway2606]

Love the video R.j x

[@sailornaruto39]

Interesting vid. I don't think as a gay man I could keep dating a transitioning boyfriend. I question if I'd even be in love or attracted to a tran person at all. I suppose it's possible, but TMK it hasn't happened, and likely isn't going to. People shouldn't compromise their gender for anyone, but nor should they their sexuality if it's just not in them. I kinda get the vibe from some comments that not dating a trans person is a bad thing.

[@heyitsfinaa757]

I have a hugeeee crush on Ryan!

[@faithmalone9756]

I'm too afraid to come out even though I know I'm a trans man. I'm afraid I won't be accepted and I already don't have many friends.

[@OmfgHiii]

Faith Malone you can make new friends (i know it's not that easy, but you should just do it) and i dont know how your friends are, but you could talk about it with them, about how you feel about gender, maybe ask how they feel about their own, and then just tell them (if) you would like to transition. if they dont like it, then they are not friend worthy, nor actually that human worthy honestly.

[@kodak5300]

that's a cool dog! cute

[@smjack2]

As a gay man that has never been with a female, I don't think I could date a transperson. I'm not saying never, but I think for myself it would be very hard to imagine. Saying that, I find Ryan very attractive but I don't think I could date him. No let me rephrase that, we probably could date but as far as anything sexual I could not go there. I can only talk for myself and for me being gay means that I like everything about men and everything that means. Part of that means that they have a penis not a vagina. I guess if I liked vagina I would either be straight or bi, but I don't. Hope that all makes sense. Thanks for making this video guys because there were a few things that I didn't know or understand. Thanks for sharing.

[@sailornaruto39]

So Ryan is in a straight relationship with a lesbian? I don't think I could continue to date a male transitioning, unless I was feeling that person beyond all reason as it's just not really in my sexuality. No one should compromise their gender expression for others, but the same is for sexuality.

[@colecasey2710]

Just the tips give it to me anyway you want? Lol haha

[@Bels]

ryan seems like he doesn't like dobby, if i was there, i would've hugged the crap out of dobs the WHOLE time. =D

[@TheKwachner227]

RJ, I love just the tips! However, from your own insight (maybe a guest) Can you give dating advice as a bi sexual? That would be really great! #Justthetips

[@toladep]

I'm enamored with Stevie. Is that odd?

[@TheNotAdam]

+Delato Not at all!

[@killlamas57]

QUESTION QUESTION QUESTION: If you don't prefer to date a trans person does that make you transphobic at all? Ex: if you're a cis gay male and you don't prefer to date sexually or romantically a trans guy, are you then transphobic? It gets even more complicated when you add in genital parts.

[@Haydnreigns]

No, you're allowed to have preferences.

[@Suomatti]

Not at all. We all have our physical preferences. I'm a transguy, but I can understand when someone doesn't want to date me, because they are only attracted to men with penises. I have my preferences too. Just be respectful to people and all is good.

[@OmfgHiii]

DaVinChae Ford it depends. would you decline an attractive person bc they are trans? (ignoring the ''genital parts'' lol)

[@nielsjansendk]

Depends on why. If you are making the assumption that a transguy has a certain type of body and you are rejecting him because you don't like that type of body, then that is definitely transphobic (you have no idea what his body looks like until you've seen it). If you are just not attracted to that particular guy, then it's not transphobic.

[@pabs661]

nielsjansendk I don't agree at all, even if it is the case that you "imagine" these person's body and not find it attractive how's that discrimination? You are just choosing not to date them, as long as you are respectful any reason is a valid reason

[@Werth1979]

great video, but dobby is very distracting, adorable but distracting.

[@brandon17760]

I don't like how she says being bi means you loose your identity when with another person if the same sex.

[@emmafields4132]

I think she meant that being with someone of the same gender makes other people assume you're straight when you're in public. She meant (I think) other people's perception of your identity than your actual identity; you lose that assumption of queerness.

[@brandon17760]

Most people dislike the assumption of queerness, but to each their own I guess.

[@AtomicBoo]

Its so sad that the human being needs to name everything, we should start just seeing us as humans!! Regardless of gender, color, sexuality, nationality etc!!

[@AtomicBoo]

But i loved the video, it was really good!!

[@dezdovalina]

Ryan is hot. Like, really hot.

[@OmfgHiii]

i would think it would be hard not because someone's losing their identity bc of pronouns, but because the other person is transitioning.... I wouldnt mind it i already was dating someone and they came out after a while tho

[@barbarab3255]

Cool video. Ryan did not take hormones?

[@RyanCassata]

No, I didn't :)

[@barbarab3255]

that is amazing, you had it easy (in that respect)

[@gavmeiri8207]

Quick question, and if I ACCEDENTALY offend you, please let me have it! If a man transitions to a woman, do I call him a her. I think so because that's what they want to be, right? Please answer!

[@NeffyLe]

I'm so sorry.... When RJ dug in his crotch I couldn't stop looking...it was like right there... RIGHT THERE.... -eyes on the prowl-

[@richardb2837]

I call bullshit rj, i would never assume you were straight, thats a funny joke

[@christopherbolanos3751]

*fixes crotch* es tru es tru

[@MrJohnjohn91]

Ryan is quite attractive ! Anyway... Every time you say that plumbing thing I get irritated , like... You are Bi, you like boys and girls not "people" or "souls" ... Lol... that's such a hipster thing to say! Anyway you can say whatever the fck you want... Just though I'd let you know it comes across a bit hipster-ish.

[@myiabentley9995]

First comment yay