Why Getting Married Won't Cure Your Lust

[@Peregrino.51]

In 2018 I started a 1.5 years of an impure relationship with a woman. And then, we discovered the bible. Our journey then took a focus on baptism for half a year. That quickly ended any physical impurity. That was HARD. I had to learn how to control myself, and then wrestle with God for forgiveness when I would give into self impurity. Then, we had to figure out what a timeline for engagement looked like for us, fresh in our new lives. That was even HARDER. I leaned heavily on the body of Christ for support and guidance. We finally had a window and I popped the question! She said yes. My selfish nature sighed a relief, sexual "freedom" with her was near. So I thought. And then we began planning our wedding, but did not let that excitement stop us from our chastity. That was EXTREMELY HARD, moreso for me than her. The day finally came, and he had our night. It felt like a well earned reward. Thank you God, thank you for giving us a way to honor you with our bodies. After a few weeks, my wife began to feel ill, and sex was no longer an easy, fun thing. We found out she was PREGNANT! An amazing gift from God, again. But man, did it feel like going back to square one. After about 6 months, we stopped trying intercourse. It would be another 11 months before we could SORT OF resume inttercouse, for mental and comfort reasons. That was was another HARD challenge. We are still not yet back to "normal" but it's easy to want to feel angry with my wife and with God for all these delays, and road blocks. It took me a while to see this, but i am so thankful for God to have given me these opportunities to seek His word, to lean on the Body, to understand and learn what chastity looks like. What self control looks like. Something I have always struggled with, God gave me trials to step up to, so I could practice my self control and be a better husband and father to my daughter. Praise Jesus for His sacrifice, so that I could have a way out of sexual sin. It's all hard, but without His word is harder!! Thank you for covering this topic, it's an easy misconception!

[@maricruzflores1706]

Thank you so much for your comment. It really helped a lot to understand in real life what this great video was saying.

[@estcado]

self contriol AND leaning on God is key! thank you for your story!

[@Peregrino.51]

@@infpballetswimspa Care to explain? Not sure what you mean here.

[@jcqwater8713]

thanks for sharing, your story and what you did is really admirable, dating can be tough, really tough but thanks for sharing the hope God bless your family

[@AyeJye]

This comment was beautiful

[@grey5744]

What I got from this: Chastity is not putting yourself in restraints to keep yourself from sinning, but rather the lack of needs for any kind of restraint at all. In other words, true freedom through self-control

[@Grokford]

I find that to be an odd idea when the sex drive itself is considered sinful.

[@socialjourney6688]

I once heard that there are several biblical purposes of sex Procreation, Intimacy, Bonding, pleasure, and expression of love. I think knowing this can help with understanding which need our desire is pointing to or to see if our focus is one dimensional, also the more of these categories are fulfilled the more fulfilled we can feel.

[@kennotrogzeug7012]

Getting marroed is easy. Staying married is hard. Staying unmarried isn't advised.

[@veddermn8]

Being single is perfectly fine and works for some people.

[@Grokford]

Actually it is advised, Paul specifically says that he prefers that people stay unmarried.

[@douglaidlaw740]

Tell that to the English C. Of E. Archbishop of Canterbury, who told the Sussexes that "the reason for marriage is: when you are lusting for the girl who walks past, go and screw your wife instead; that is why you have her." I can't imagine the wife seeing that as a compliment. Bride and groom were supposed not to see each other on the wedding day in case they lose self-control.

[@hartmanartsource]

I’ve been watching y’all for a while, and it’s so different from what I had understood before. At age 64, newly engaged after nearly 25 years of celibacy, I am so confused. On one hand, I know I need to control my impulses and behavior patterns from years ago, I feel like, having finally found the love of my life, I want to give him my love and joy in a palpable way, while experiencing his. We are very prayerful, and ask God to be the source and summit of our lives daily, if not more often. But, while I know what we’re NOT supposed to be doing, it’s hard to know what we ARE supposed to be doing. What you describe sounds almost bleak. I’m sure I must be misunderstanding. He and I are very much looking forward to our wedding night, and all the time after that, but is the joyful expectation of that unchaste? Right now, when things get too much, we gently push away and say, “Holy Moments, Holy Moments!” (Great book by Matthew Kelly, by the way.) Are we guilty of unchastity? I am so concerned now.

[@vincenzorutigliano7239]

That is not unchastity. Unchastity is willingly pushing the limits to get satisfaction. I think the video is more about people who cut off all physical contact because they can't control themselves.

[@Grokford]

This man is not a very good source if you ask me. He considers pleasure and sex to be inherently morally dubious. It's your spouse, how you two approach your relationship is up to the two of you. This is true no matter what your age, but it's especially true when you're older: you've been on this earth for decades, your choices and your boundaries are not up for public discussion.

[@williamroberts34]

Excellent content. Thanks for explaining chastity, and marital chastity.

[@Grokford]

What is chastity?

[@moniquerivett-carnac8442]

Yes, of course open to Grace and commitment to prayers, so many couples who find each other later on in life when most likely they were previously not so chase , suddenly desire a life long committed relationship have also 100% chance to succeed in a mutual understanding and deep respect for eachother short coming knowing fully that the commitment to prayers both individually or as a family will unleash such an abundance of fresh understanding and discoveries of each other sexuality, commitments to period of chastity and a constant renewal of the mind the great Metanoia, and an honest surrender and desire for holiness.

[@SotraEngine4]

She has truly beautiful eyes

[@smokingcrab2290]

I thought marriage was going to be the answer to a lot of things. Lust, loneliness, etc. And for the first 2 years of just my wife and it, it was the answer 90% of the time. But as soon as we had our first son everything changed. Marriage gets really tough once kids get in the picture. Then the loneliness comes back, and with the loneliness, the lust comes back to. But it doesn't have to be this way. Married couples need to focus on each other kids or no kids. Make love on the regular (at least 4 times a week) and really communicate. The problem is one person in the relationship ignores this and then needs go unmet. Married couples need to keep on track with focusing on each other and it'll be the best thing ever. One person ignores this advice and the marriage will suck.

[@JP2GiannaT]

4 times a week doesn't really happen when you're using NFP, especially if you're recently postpartum.

[@elora2993]

It sucks that you're having to go through this. I've seen this happen all too often. Usually when a kid comes into the picture the woman becomes a 'mother' 24/7 and the man feels left out. A proactive approach would be for the man to observe (or simply ask) where they can alleviate some of the duties from the woman so there's a balance of tasks and energies. Leaving more room for 'play' or carefree communication between spouses. I'm not married but in my many conversations with married men, there tends to be a 'checking out' that happens within them with all the self-focus that happens in the space of the mothers preoccupation with the survival of the baby. My advice would then be to recreate the greater goal/vision for your covenant. Is it/was it about self gratification? Could God be leading you to humble purification in service of others (kid and spouse) during this time? It seems to me a wilderness season that requires the Spirits invited involvement... Every wilderness experience is always difficult and frustrating to go through. I'll be praying for you and yours.✧

[@sitka49]

@@JP2GiannaT It's pretty tough when you have to abstain ,and your window of sterile sex for the month is only for about 12 or so days - Then double down that my wife had little desire for sex before her period (after ovulation - sterile window) so it was pretty much duty sex for her, when we weren't trying for other kid. ( kind of, get over with sex?)

[@veddermn8]

four times a week? with kids? that is ambitious. Once a month if we're lucky over here. Mostly because of the energy and lack of sleep. And its just not worth it financially.

[@sitka49]

@@veddermn8 Miss it 2 more times in a year and you technically in a sexless marriage I don't know who comes up with them arbitrary numbers ( make it to 11 or 12 and you're good? Lol) but I guess it's all up to the couple often they want sex but usually one partner wants it more than the other. I always say if you have two people that agree on everything one of them is lying.

[@matthewashman1406]

No it wont cure it. But it is the right place 4 it. God is very practical. If you cannot control your passion, marry

[@providentia3103]

But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion. - LESSER of the 2 EVILS may be?

[@joane24]

But that's not exactly what the this passage says. It's rather if they can't exercise _total_ chastity (I don't know if 'total' is the best word to use but I mean 'fully abstaining'), then let them be married. Meaning, if they can't contain they sexual drive at be fully celibate, they still shouldn't go around and sleep around, but rather it's one man having one woman. Or in other words, the sexual union is permissible only within marriage, that the human sexual drive is to be rightfully used only within the marriage. (And even within marriage, the spouses are bound to chastity, it's only that it's different than full abstinance. But that there's still rules about sexual behavior, also within marriage.)

[@Grokford]

But who said that was about sex?

[@Grokford]

@@joane24 "It's rather if they can't exercise _total_ chastity" But that's not what the passage says. The passage doesn't mention chastity at all, there's no indication that this verse is about sex or abstinence at all. "Meaning, if they can't contain they sexual drive at be fully celibate, they still shouldn't go around and sleep around" That may be a common interpretation but like I said, there is no indication that that verse is about sex, and it might very well mean the opposite of what you think. Paul in this passage is discussing marriage, stating that it is allowed as a concession but that it is not recommended. From that reading my assumption is that marriage is the thing to avoid, since that is his focus. So to me, telling people to get married when they don't want to avoid the "sin" of "unchastity" something never mentioned or condemned in scripture, that seems directly backwards to what Paul is saying. "but rather it's one man having one woman." That doesn't appear in the passage though. "Or in other words, the sexual union is permissible only within marriage, that the human sexual drive is to be rightfully used only within the marriage." That's not in the passage either. This is a cultural idea, not a biblical one. "And even within marriage, the spouses are bound to chastity" This idea is also not in scripture, it's not even a common cultural belief. So I'm really confused about where you're getting these ideas. "But that there's still rules about sexual behavior, also within marriage.)" What are these rules? Where do they come from? Who says that they're rules?

[@robertlaabs5066]

Proverbs 5:18-21, 1 Corinthians 7, some don't have the "Gift" of celibacy.

[@Beanie1879]

Isn't Cohabitation frowned upon by the church because it allows sex before marriage? My idea on this issue is that the church says you should never be alone together before marriage, but do you think the church doesn't want you to practice real chastity? Because the point you make about real chastity is different from the definition of chastity given assuming the church's position on cohabitation.

[@milagroscapomasi8525]

I think I this video he is trying to get to the spirit behind the rule. Jesús commanded us not to look at a woman with lust in our hearts, indicating that we can sin without committing an action. I think the rule against cohabitation is logical to prevent the action, but that is not enough, as Chris explains we need to work on our hearts an how we see each other to avoid the sin of lust.

[@Grokford]

The "church" says and doesn't say a lot of things. Many people disapprove of cohabitation, but even they will admit that it's not a rule. Most Christians disapprove of pre-marital sex, most claiming that it is a rule, or command from God, despite this command never appearing in scripture. The entire idea of "chastity" in this video, is more or less made up, it never appears in scripture and it's manipulated to mean several things at once here.

[@SotraEngine4]

I have a friend (sometimes I think it is more a "friend") who says me and my boyfriend shouldn't hug and kiss because it can invite lust. To me it seems half as effective as being bored, frustrated or lonely Would you say it is OK to hug and kiss your boyfriend?

[@madalenaantonio1416]

It's ok to hug but y'all need to have self control. And don't let everyone says what you need to do in your relationship.

[@Grokford]

It's absolutely okay, I don't know how this is an area for "self-control" in most cases, but physical affection is perfectly valid.

[@mabdechte]

Great video! Thanks 😊

[@TheologyoftheBodyInstitute]

You are so welcome!

[@glennlanham6309]

AMEN. I get this advice about once a month...but I am in SA and most EVERYONE is married...

[@Shiftyy12]

Thank you.

[@TheologyoftheBodyInstitute]

You're so welcome!

[@eddlewisshash3816]

What are good ways for a husband to show appreciation for his wife's body without lusting after her?

[@Grokford]

Impossible to say without some sort of deep and personal knowledge of your psyche, but lust is a normal and healthy impulse, and it's actually perfectly healthy and moral especially in the context of a sexual relationship.

[@jjwin9306]

Thanks !

[@pappasc79]

The apostle Paul told people to get married due to lack of self control

[@1Khr0n0s1]

But he didn't say it like a commandment of perfection. He said that is better to get married than to burn. Obviously the greater good is to get married to freely give yourself than to pretend to be sexually satisfied owning the other person. Is better to get married without the fear of being burned.

[@1Khr0n0s1]

Here what is proposed is to get in a journey to better love. A man cannot truly love his wife like Paul says to love her in the same way Christ loves the Church, if he is not chaste. Lust is about to own and use the other. Chastity is to give yourself to the other person, without wanting or pretending to own it or to use it.

[@JupeGiggles]

@@1Khr0n0s1can I ask how this is possible? One can’t flip a switch and no longer have sexual needs. I watch this channel a lot and it’s been stated previously in a video that these needs should be given to God. After we do that, we’re still going to have a sexual desire for our partner so I’m confused on what’s being asked here.

[@estcado]

​@@JupeGiggles I believe it all comes down to self-control. Giving the desires to God means to depend on his grace. Know the limits and respect the limits because that is the obedience that makes holy. So this way your desires don't cross the line between sanctity and sinn. That is the thin line between thanking God and all the gifts of marriage and sexuality and on the other side offending God by misusing these gifts so it becomes lustful, ego-centric love or sterile love or depraved forms of "sexuality".

[@JupeGiggles]

@@estcado so in other words this is debatable in Catholicism? Because if so I can’t really see how anything other than what you’re saying makes sense. Why did the host of this video put air quotes around “allowed” when that’s when you are allowed to have sex. Even if I disagree with the point made in this video I still wanna see where it’s coming from

[@LETTO2366]

nice

[@Servant44]

(Save To Notes For Others) (Different Ways For Remission Of Sins) We Sin Our Whole Life And So We Need For Our Sins To Be Pardoned Or We Will Still Die In Sin - Believe (People go to hell from dying in sin) John 8:24 (KJV) I said therefore unto you, that ye shall die in your sins: for (if ye believe not) that I am he, ye shall (die in your sins.) - We Are In The New Testament (Sins purged by the Lord's blood) Matthew 26:28 (KJV) For this is my blood of the new testament, which is (shed for many) for the (remission of sins.) - Convert (Your sins are forgiven when you initially believe) Acts 10:43 (KJV) To him give all the prophets witness, that through his name whosoever believeth in him shall receive (remission of sins.) - Have knowledge of salvation (Different ways for remission of sins) Luke 1:77 (KJV) To give knowledge of salvation unto his people by the (remission of their sins,) - More Ways For Remission Of Sins (Sins are forgiven from water baptism) Acts 2:38 (KJV) Then Peter said unto them, Repent, and be (baptized) every one of you in the (name of Jesus Christ) for the (remission of sins,) and ye shall receive the gift of the Holy Ghost. - Confession Of Sin (Sincere in confessing sins to God) 1 John 1:9 (KJV) If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to (forgive us our sins,) and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. - Convert Sinner From His Error Of Sin (Explain sin) James 5:20 (KJV) Let him know, that he which converteth the sinner from the error of his way shall save a soul from death, and shall (hide a multitude of sins.) - Have Charity (Having compassion) 1 Peter 4:8 (KJV) And above all things have fervent charity among yourselves: for charity shall (cover the multitude of sins.) - Love (To Love All Life) Proverbs 10:12 (KJV) Hatred stirreth up strifes: but (love covereth all sins.) - Endure (Predestined are those that do not die in sin) Mark 13:13 (KJV) And ye shall be hated of all men for my name's sake: but he that shall (endure unto the end,) the same (shall be saved.) - Repent From Sin (Sin one has not turned from) Luke 13:5 KJV I tell you, Nay: but, except ye repent, ye shall all likewise perish.

[@jjwin9306]

❤🎉

[@jonahhahr7756]

BS Go ahead and refrain from being alone together if you are weak. Get married sooner, if you are “burning with desire”.Falling into sin before marriage isn’t going to help you at all. Nothing legalistic about seeing sex in marriage as a completely different thing than fornication, regardless of your “maturity” level.

[@Grokford]

Sex before marriage isn't a sin. Rushing into a marriage that you shouldn't be in is risky at best,

[@jonahhahr7756]

@@Grokford It is a sin.

[@Grokford]

@@jonahhahr7756 Why do you think so?

[@jonahhahr7756]

@@Grokford fornication is essentially sex outside of marriage. Fornication is condemned in the Bible.

[@Grokford]

@@jonahhahr7756 Yes, that's what the word "fornication" means and the word "fornication" does actually appear in some translations of the Bible. But it's not appeared in new translations for almost a century. Modern translations use the phrase "sexual immorality" because the original text doesn't mention pre-marital sex, that's just sort of a fluke of translation and language development.

[@Grokford]

Yeah, you shouldn't rush into marriage, especially not because you're paranoid about sex. But the idea of "marital chastity" is ludicrous. Chastity isn't even a virtue to begin with. There is no scripture about a "call to chastity". Jesus never mentions it. This is human doctrine masquerading as divine law. Sex isn't evil, treating sex as an indicator of dignity is.

[@beautysk00ldropout]

blessed are the pure of heart for they shall see God

[@Grokford]

@@beautysk00ldropout But whoever said that sexuality was impure?

[@beautysk00ldropout]

@@Grokford the world did?

[@Grokford]

@@beautysk00ldropout Yes, and that is one reason I don't agree with it. I believe that anti-sex attitudes are evidence of a cultural disease.

[@beautysk00ldropout]

@@Grokford agreed. that's what i love about theology of the body - we are sexual and inherently good

[@jessedessain2149]

What's the point of trying to do the right thing, when we are always going to be wrong, why not just do the wrong thing and leave it at that. If we are all sinners no matter what actions we take, why not just fully commit ourselves to our sin nature, and know exactly were we stand, with the Holiness of God, and if God wants to forgive us let Him forgive us, and if He wants to condemn us, then let Him condemn us. Let's get something straight, I did not choose to be born, I did not choose to have a sex drive, believe me when I say this I am doing everything in my power to kill any and all of my sex drive, the older I get the easier it gets. At the end of day I was born this way so my very existence is an affront to God's Holiness. So I will no longer hang my head in shame, and I'm done trying to appease God for liking women or for desiring sex, from a woman with which I find to physically appealing no less. Amen

[@henrysharpe9976]

I thought about this a lot over a two year period from 14-16, and my thought was actually about masturbation. I was like "God, if I only masturbate to fantasies and not to porn made of real people, then who am I objectifying? Who am I hurting? Is it still wrong?" And yet, when I listened closely I still found the answer "yes, that is still wrong" I had felt very discouraged because I thought "well how can I ever measure up to that? Is that even possible?" Truth be told, I have fallen into that sin many times since then, and each time I would look up to God and say: "See? Impossible, now do you still ask this?" And He would say "Yes, I do, and you get points for trying" That drove me to prayer, the Rosary in particular, and since then I have made leaps and bounds on my way to rooting out this sin once and for all. Do not lose hope my brothers, it is possible.

[@sitka49]

@@maccleba6721 Sex in marriage can be a curse. Because it can become another carrot on stick, on top that now you're around a partner that you could have sex with ,but between abstaining and rejection, it's just more frustration, disappointment , aggravation.

[@sitka49]

@@joenovak9366Uff! I don't think that was the point of submission , so you can get your rocks off whenever you want? I hope you didn't treat your wife like domestic prostitute?

[@sitka49]

@@joenovak9366 I think it's antiquated. Basically from a time women were considered subordinates and part of the husbands ownership. Case in point. "You shall not covet your neighbor's house, you shall not covet your neighbor's wife, or his male slave, his female slave, his ox, his donkey or anything which belongs to your neighbor" (Exodus 20:17; Deuteronomy 5:21). Because the Ten Commandments are so well known, it's quite easy to miss the assumptions in them about gender. But the marginalization of women is clear. The wife is classified as her husband's property, and so she's listed with the slaves and work-animals. There's also a striking omission in this commandment: never does it say "You shall not covet your neighbor's husband."

[@sitka49]

@@joenovak9366 Sex isn't everything but it is one of the fundamental foundation of a marriage, who would get together without it? - And one of 2 things of contention ( argue) in marriages that and money - I would say it puts it be on a higher level of importance - for one or both partners. ( one of to top 2 things on a man's mind everyday) I've heard that sex in marriage is about 20% of the marriage, when it's consistent and satisfying for both partner. But if its unsatisfying or if it's not happening ( sexless) it's about 80% marriage. It's like the canary in the coal mine for martial health. useless there are extenuating circumstances it isn't possible. Health or age that doesn't mean it's still not a contention ,but it is, what it is.

[@jjwin9306]

❤🎉