Semi-Literate Former Gold Prospector Given Own Cable News Show

[@BlueMorningStar]

"Now I hung a man or two in my life, but that don't make me a judge such as I don't pass no judgement on these arabs, but you gotta be full as a tick on stump liquor to build on top of sand!" This is honestly one of my favorite sentences in the English language.

[@SJNaka101]

BlueMorningStar yes, it is definitely one of the best lines ever uttered

[@shitboxoffroad]

So that Turkish building ain't long for this world. Now I'm putting that on my predication list.

[@manicabawse2867]

A true gem

[@pauljackson2409]

Worthy of Shakespeare himself! An' if yer don' agree, Black Baby's gonna have a word in your ear!

[@lyndsaybrown8471]

Thank you for transcribing

[@thevoidlord1796]

"Aint heard the last of that Tesla fellow" Oh god, he got that one right

[@asecretone]

Amen

[@PuchuKt]

Sadly he was correct about that

[@namethathasntbeentakenyetm3682]

Unfortunate

[@smoldream2908]

oh how I wish that was wrong

[@Amigafur]

unfortunatly, Nikola Tesla's inventions aren't actually put to use in "Tesla" cars. If they were, you wouldn't need no god damn lithium batteries.

[@CeruleanFilms]

"I don't respect no man what ain't lost a body part in war" - greatest campaign slogan ever.

[@roadhouse6999]

He seems like a character from a Fallout: New Vegas mod.

[@windowsmizu416]

WE NEED THIS YES

[@matthew8153]

He’s got my vote.

[@erichale8047]

@@windowsmizu416 zzzzz zzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzz az az zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz z

[@rhett3104]

Enclave presidential candidate

[@neilzy696]

She's pretty for a Chinese

[@mandreadfg]

I spit out my water

[@Raptor302]

Plot twist: She was Filipino.

[@SomesingVague]

* purdy

[@kylecole9433]

556 people are too weak to strangle their own bird.

[@henrygutierrez3243]

Omg XD

[@ethohalfslab]

wow, the dislikes have actually gone down 1 sense you commented this :o

[@heroofmalta9158]

@@ethohalfslab That means there's one less bird to get the chicken curse

[@RonJohn63]

My great-grandmother lived in New Orleans (not the suburbs or any rural area, but right in a densely populated residential area), kept chickens in the yard had a stump with nails in it, plus a bucket and hatchet for the sole purpose of "fixing dinner". This was only 90 years ago.

[@thecanadiankiwibirb4512]

1 year later and only 2 more people have disliked Hope for humanity +

[@CREGGYAS]

Joad is at least 130 years old..... still going strong!

[@crockstonyt]

140 now!

[@Ensensu2]

It's the civil war I tells ya, he got shot with a golden bullet what didn't kill him, it only made him stronger. Or he's a vampire.

[@steelcommander9918]

unfortunatly no longer with us

[@mrginge143]

You know what, he’s actually quite well spoken in so far as the sentences he uses communicate information efficiently but all of the words and sentence structure are completely out of whack, I kinda want him to start his own podcast

[@augustuscurnow]

sadly the actor passed a while ago but i agree wholeheartedly

[@dinmavric5504]

@@augustuscurnow He died this year on 2nd of June

[@jamesrosewell9081]

​@@dinmavric5504aw, damn

[@familiescharf4207]

@@augustuscurnow Who was the actor

[@jesuitmatthew]

This guy deserves an Oscar

[@mercster]

YOU TALK ABOUT SLITTIN' THAT HOG'S THROAT EAR TO EAR, YOU WANNA CARESS IT AND CALL IT SWEET SALLY!

[@SomesingVague]

“You can sit for a while, but keep your boots on.” Great line (and also me when family comes to town lol).

[@jamesrosewell9081]

Stealing that

[@ForumArcade]

You remind me of that doctor lady from Chrono Cross.

[@SomesingVague]

@@ForumArcade Yeah weirdly enough, I was actually the reference they used for her character model.

[@SomesingVague]

@@ForumArcade Nah but seriously lol, got a name? Never played Chrono Cross and you got me curious

[@mercster]

I GOT BLACK BABY HERE! SHOW 'EM THE 2ND AMENDMENT!

[@Niffiwan]

I like Cressbeckler's interaction with the Chinese girl. Clearly he likes her, and clumsily tries to be nice to her though he doesn't really know how to do it. It shows a more human side to him and makes him more believable. There are many people like that, who seem absolutely mad but can also be quite nice if you approach them in the right way.

[@OfficialWorldChampion]

jesus this guy was an amazing actor

[@thisissosounique]

Gaspard de la Nuit this should have blown up. It is so well done. I laughed hard 10ish years ago when I first saw it and laughed harder today

[@alexb00007]

He's not an actor

[@coreyform563]

The guy who is playing him is actually country music royalty from way back

[@jakethomason5495]

excellent writingand performance.

[@connorthompson66]

You're telling me that Joad Cressbeckler, a national treasure, and gay icon, is not a semi-literate former gold prospector from the 1840s but is just an actor?

[@nasekiller]

"You talk about slitting that hogs throat ear to ear, but you want to caress it and call it Sweet Sally". Who comes up with stuff like that?^^

[@alcoholya]

Comedy writers?

[@Mr_Valentin.]

The South

[@ThirdShitf]

"Chicken curse" may be the funniest line ever!

[@jonathanmoody6951]

Week on the privy will straighten you out

[@ylette]

Each time I watch this I understand a little more.

[@UCannotDefeatMyShmeat]

“You know she’s pretty for a Chinese” Oh my, I had to take a break to contain myself after that one lmao

[@hastyhillfarmand4x480]

Git'! Before black baby starts ta barkin'!

[@RexPomaro]

That whole moment was hilarious but seemed uncomfortably close to something my grandpa would say

[@micahgee]

"Joad: Don't Vote, Hide in Mountains, Kidnap Children" Good plan! XD

[@benshim333]

0:45 "Ain't heard the last of that Tesla fellow..." Prediction came true!

[@goodolnonamee]

Lmao what

[@matthew8153]

“Spaniards fixin’ to rise up” They predicted the uprising in Catalonia.

[@moach57]

Also predicted the government banning tobacco to those under 21

[@FluffyBuzzard2TheMax]

Just waiting on the Burj Khalifa

[@rovercoupe7104]

I take it that he means the car guy not the scientist. M.

[@garyweaver7915]

Actually a GREAT actor for any old 1800s prospector role. Love this guy's dedication

[@mistertagnan]

He was George Riddle, unfortunately he passed away just last year

[@AdHominus]

I like how the Onion is so convincing and it does not make the fact that it's satire blatantly obvious. The makers/actors/writers make it so subtle and that's why it's genius.

[@Boobalopbop]

"Mohommadans are fixin to open the tallest buildin what could scrape fo sky" LMAO!!!

[@rorypenstock1763]

"Git out o' my cabin, Howard. Git, before black baby starts 'a barkin'." "Thanks for having me, Joad."

[@Kowasi]

Lucky thing he kept his boots on…

[@Jamietheroadrunner]

I just don't think he's grizzled enough.

[@michaelsuede]

"SHOW EM THE SECOND AMENDMENT!" hahahalsdkfjalsdjk I love this guy. One of the best yet.

[@terahybrid]

Finally objective journalism is back, Thanks Onion

[@memerminecraft585]

I'm a little scared how much The Onion made it feel like a 49er actually had a talk show

[@LittleB2007]

Update: Semi-Literate Former Reality Show Host Given White House

[@Blueshirt38]

Update: Semi-Educated Liberals Think Everyone Is Literally Hitler

[@LP-ct9nk]

Lmao the only person who mentioned Hitler in this thread was you 😂. Try derailing somewhere else

[@neilsharpson996]

Semi-literate. Riiiiiiight

[@ikillstupidcomments]

@@neilsharpson996 I mean Trump can make vague attempts at reading a teleprompter from time to time, so he's probably not totally illiterate.

[@josephalexander4561]

.....good one.................ha................

[@kjoo8086]

12 years later, I can recite most of Joad Cressbeckler from memory. Sadly, life ended up imitating art.

[@hastyhillfarmand4x480]

The current state of politics is undeniable proof that critical thinkers are a minority. Tuck frump and buck fiden.

[@Cyfix15]

lol "you can sit for a while but keep your boots on"

[@TheOrangeneck]

*set for a while. i love this character

[@billyspurr]

I don't see how people don't get this. Its a grizzled old prospector that was given his own show. the premise alone is hilarious. I would watch an entire hour of this guy.

[@skyisreallyhigh3333]

"Ain't heard the last of that Tesla fellow" Oh god, they knew musk was gonna be head oligarch

[@898cookie5417gurl]

It's unbelievable to me this never caught on. So well written and acted.

[@WarpeaceWar6]

i like how the guy says "thanks for haveing me joe" when hes holding a gun to him

[@NameNotAlreadyTaken2]

"the tallest building what could scrape the sky"

[@JackHill45]

I love his fountain pen. Everything about Joad is anachronistic and wonderful.

[@pavarottiaardvark3431]

The overlooked genius of this is the exact parody of Conservative talking points: Rural American: [meandering opinion about something] Conservative Pundit: Correct, and this is why we should enact this specific but unrelated republican policy.

[@dannya1854]

"AIN'T HEARD THE LAST OF THAT TESLA FELLOW." Oh... Oh how right he was, just maybe not how he thought

[@Rolandzebub]

"Damn right! We gotta take sanctuary in the mountains, gotta steeeeal the little children from the town and make our own army in the hills there!"

[@thepoppersshow]

he predicted "ain't heard the last of that tesla fellow."

[@mistertagnan]

RIP George Riddle, the actor behind Joad Cressbeckler

[@petermoranman]

"She purty for a Chinese!"

[@TheRealMjb2k]

He got one thing right on his prediction list, we still haven’t heard the last of that Tesla fellow.

[@crysta2k2]

I'll watch any show where the host says, "gov'ment." Love it

[@chickenhouse2831]

"You talk about slittin' that hog's throat ear-ta-ear and you wanna caress it and call it 'Queen Sally!'" "That's not a fair assessment, Joad. You're not being very fair." Good ole Joad! 🤣🤣

[@cipsbsndj]

3:50 “Biden wins back deficit on ‘Wheel of Fortune’” He should do that again

[@Remora_7]

"Aint heard the last of that Tesla fellow" *shudders*

[@arcadianskies77]

Joad Cressbeckler. Oh my god. The name itself is hysterical.

[@jeb31415]

"You can sit for a while but keep your boots on!". So many gems.

[@Hylianmonkeys]

I love the 2nd amendment animation at 2:25

[@KS-cz9qc]

Wish they had done a whole series of this character-he’s amazingly hilarious! 🤣

[@blupenguin63]

this is amazing, they should make this into its own half-hour television talk show.

[@MsSunisred2]

“Ain’t heard the last of that Tesla fellow” NOOOOO why does the onion know everything

[@carter102]

Great concept, I wish more newscasts were done by politically incorrect old time characters. Back woods trappers, lumberjacks, quack doctors, all from the 1600's to the 1800's.

[@soulinite]

Joad speaks for the real America!

[@bageljosher]

Contaminated with the chicken curse. Ill just leave that there.

[@RockfordRoe]

Fun fact, The "Chinese" Woman's name is Julie Yamamoto.

[@warrensmith8161]

Kind of reminds me of Alex Jones; only smarter.

[@MildMisanthropeMaybeMassive]

And way more coherent.

[@SuperNintendawg]

This guy is the final boss of the English language.

[@Schmidt54]

"aint heard the last of this Tesla fellow" priceless... Onion should rule the world.

[@zacharycoleman1117]

"ain't heard the last of that Tesla fellow" the onion rarely gets something scarily right and it's horrifying every time

[@DarkGob]

I don't remember Nikola Tesla returning from the dead...

[@goodolnonamee]

@@DarkGob me neither

[@zenoblues7787]

@@DarkGob Tesla cars

[@Gloomdrake]

Isn’t this reaching a bit?

[@goodolnonamee]

@@Gloomdrake If they're talking about Tesla cars then it is definitely a stretch

[@wolfhoundj08]

I would seriously watch a news show hosted by this guy.

[@ruidadgmailcanada8508]

If you are still alive or in the next world, know that this was the best news episode in the history of news...and you were there to enjoy it.

[@matlew1960]

I believe old man Cressbeckler here more than I do Rush Limbaugh. He's straight to the point and no messing about. He's my kind of guy. I don't mean like some kind of homosexuality kind of guy so don't you start saying bad things about me Y'all..

[@huntmich]

It took me a solid 45 seconds to realize this wasn't Fox News

[@VirtualSting]

Ussualy the onion is just straight faced humor. Where they say crazy things but keep a straight face and put up an act. But this is such a change of pace and it's amazing! I hope they keep up this humor. XD

[@zenzybar]

This guy needs his own youtube channel. his points are so cutting edge and revolutionary.

[@AppleOfThineEye]

"Ain't heard the last of that Tesla fellow" The ONN has a time machine.

[@adgato75]

this guy rules! more Cressbeckler please. best ONN piece ive ever seen.

[@internetperson436]

13 years later the majority of his predictions have come true.

[@deathbywombat]

I would totally watch this if it was a regular tv show.

[@PsychoJosh]

Why's Warshn't'n so dead set on puttin up those propellers?

[@haruhistnumber5]

This actor should win some kind of award for this part. He's amazing.

[@anonimanonim2710]

His faith in Nikola Tesla is somehow heartwarming lol

[@PhilMoskowitz]

Call him crazy if you want. But in 2010 the old prospector advised buying bitcoin. Sure he thought bitcoin was small pieces of gold coins dropped by space aliens. Nevertheless, his recommendation proved fruitful.

[@Wombaggins]

This is the best news segment of all time!

[@greg17815]

"Ain't heard the last of that Tesla fellow."

[@EvilsOfFeminism]

At least this guy wouldn't lie his ass off in office.

[@implicaverse]

You could watch this guy all day and still not lose as much money as you could in one minute of watching Jim Cramer.

[@owenfarmer1588]

joad cressbeckler offers a surprisingly clear-eyed assessment of the challenges of constructing a building of that size on the low cohesive strength soil characteristic of dubai 0:36

[@420villain]

Cbc canada tried this for 40 years with Don Cherry

[@SierraPapaFoxtrot]

541 people didn't done stuck Jam to a horse and lost their minds.

[@PunKarmus]

Jesus, Joad Cressbeckler is freakin ancient XD I'd wager 140 or so by the picture of him with Teddy Roosevelt hahaha

[@maximsamoilovich1123]

'Ain't heard the last of that Tesla Fellow' HE PREDICTED MUSK SMH

[@MrFlakydog]

i wish this show was real, i would watch it all the time hahaha

[@Tezorus]

They predictated Trump so accurately it's frightening.

[@zenergetic_8299]

Incredible predication list

[@AtticusHess]

"SHOW 'EM THE SECOND AMENDMENT!"

[@DarkGob]

oh god I'm laughing so hard please do more of these, this is the funniest thing ever

[@BaconHer0]

Water.... squirted out of nose while drinking. So pain. But cannot stop laughing.

[@user-mp9xz8yg4j]

“Show them the 2nd Amendment!” Hahhaahhaahaha

[@JeansWebbTv]

Whenever I wanted something more calm that John McLaughlin I used to tune in to Cressbeckler.

[@mysteryjesus]

When will Joad be back? The man is a genius!

[@Niffiwan]

The closed captions have a ton of mistakes, and they don't seem to be intentional. 0:15 - toad-splashers > tresspassers 0:17 - Cressbeckler's Dance > Cressbeckler Stance 0:25 - it's wrong, but I'm not sure what the right one is 0:29 - that > what 0:38 - stumbler > stump liquor 0:44 - I take this > that 1:08 - sand > stand 1:48 - bird > thoroughbred 1:55 - dead on setting up > dead set on putting up 2:13 - plow > plant 2:17 - "the as pure" - wrong 2:54 - wrong 3:31 - cab, or GIT > cabin, Albert

[@GameyRaccoon]

Rest in Peace Joad :)

[@marlesimms]

"You been settin for a while, but keep your boots on" is such a good way to say "sorry to keep you waiting, but don't get comfortable"

[@RevMooFoo]

It's Alex Jones 40 years from now! lol Cool vid, thanx. :) Rev

[@turperper]

At the time of filming, Joad would have been a minimum of 129 years old...

[@Tides137]

This actor is amazing!

[@mande11a]

"Well, I say no good chicken suits me fine. If you're too lazy to strangle your own bird, maybe a week on the privy'll straighten you out." - "Privy" is an American word for an outhouse.