Top 3 Signs To Check Your Romantic Compatibility | Relationship Advice & Core Wounds

[@MsGuitars666]

Wow … So eye opening what you said about the narcissism spectrum. That is so true, cause if we see it like that we only see certain traits as “desirable” and others are not. Whereas the challenge of love is to extend it beyond our ego and our idea of ourselves, so we can connect from underneath the surface. What it is really about is about seeing our pain points, communicating, making the other person feel seen and understood. That is what love truly is and what invites true growth. Amazing video Thais, just what I needed 🤩

[@lifecoachingtoronto]

We only see certain traits as "desirable" and others as not is well said Rosy! :)

[@selfdiscoverysupport]

Thanks for your breakdown of the insight you got.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Glad you liked this one Rosy. Thanks for your comment :)

[@Jamy528]

Exactly!

[@Katrica670]

-acknowledge each other's differences - make space for the differences - validate the differences - compromise with eachother

[@Katrica670]

#1 differences you're not willing to work on, Not willing to accept (sooo repulsive and beneath you)! #2 one or both people are Not willing to meet the other halfway, and validate emotions. Respect boundaries! See eachother, hear eachother! Healthy compromise! Exchange of needs! #3 are we actually resolving issues? Are we growing? Are we moving forward? Are we communicating effectively? Are resolving our pain points?

[@lifecoachingtoronto]

I've had first hand experience with someone who didn't value our differences while I saw that as a strength for us as a couple, so I agree that seeing & appreciating each other's differences goes a long way in compatibility. What do you think? :)

[@umbrascitor2079]

Yes, I also had this experience. Part of our issue is that our development trajectory was moving in opposite directions: I was looking to expand my scope, integrate new ideas and embrace new experiences. She was looking to more solidly define her own identity, and place limits on the kinds of ideas and experiences she does and doesn't want to engage in her life. At first, our growth trajectories moving in opposite directions saw us moving toward each other: she brought the kind of novelty I was seeking, and I provided the stable base that she was seeking. But then we kinda hit a crisis point where our trajectories violently collided, and we were suddenly moving away from each other in opposite directions. We were compatible I think, but only for a limited time. Where I saw our differences as a great strength, she came to see them as a burden. We ceased to function cooperatively, and then she decided to filter me out of her life entirely. It was devastating, but I understand.

[@lifecoachingtoronto]

@@umbrascitor2079 Very good personal example. Thank you Umbrascitor :)

[@ShimmerSoulSong]

The DA who was beloved to me, she and I recognized our many differences and were amazed at how we found the type of synergy we had. Also the differences were complementary! We both found beauty and appreciation in our differences, we thought it was cool. But there were a few important differences that we needed to work out. And she iced out with those while I was seeking tools that would help us. And I brought them to her and asked her to tend with me and try them. But she didn't want to do her inner work part around Us.

[@carolinelaronda4523]

DAs never get introspective enough to make anything really work ..

[@spicyphilly]

@@carolinelaronda4523 I can understand why you may believe that about all DA, but the truth is some actually can learn to be introspective and grow. I'm a former DA, that had FA and AP sprinkled in the mix, and I'm now SA with some residual DA when pushed hard and triggered by AP or FA styles. It takes some doing to get me there now though. When before it was a constant state of being. Now I'm the one (out of my AP/FA people) that's more introspective, initiating communication, active in resolving conflict, understands and is able to communicate my needs in a healthy way, set reasonable smaller boundaries in a healthy way. All this and more from a previous strong DA. As with all the other unsecure attachment styles, I had to want to work on it for myself. Just because I was DA doesn't mean I didn't want to give or receive love, I simply didn't know how, and was filled with so much shame I didn't feel worthy. You don't know what you don't know until you're shown something different, and then your eyes gotta be open.

[@ceeceeshaw]

Thought-provoking as always, Thais. Agree about communication and the willingness to meet someone halfway. But I think it is also about values and to be honest, there are just some things one should not be willing to compromise on, like say fidelity or trust. Not narcissistic to be uncompromising on those sorts of things - to do so would be to self-abandon, in my opinion. But perhaps this is what you meant by boundaries and distancing yourself from toxic dynamics? Too often, I see women compromising themselves on these sorts of things just to remain in relationship with someone when really they would be better off just walking away from.

[@charcoalandlight1990]

This video meets me exactly where I am. I've been dating a guy for a month or so and he says he values our differences but he doesn't act like he does. We don't have to agree but I feel judged and not appreciated by his words. We can't seem to really move past any of our conflicts and I don't feel heard. He pays lip service but the same things keep surfacing along with the same criticisms of me. We broke up yesterday (my decision) and this video pretty much confirms what I felt about our incompatibility.

[@cliffordjacobson9534]

So clear Thais, Communication, compassion or seeing other person acknowledging them, and willingness to do the work… grateful 🙏

[@lifecoachingtoronto]

Agreed Clifford! :)

[@lisam5395]

I’ve said this before, you really have been a God sent! The way you explain attachment styles is far beyond anything I’ve ever seen! I’ve been studying them for a little over 2 years and now I’m even helping others including myself (still a work in progress! ). I’m a dating coach. Have been for quite sometime. Just so very thankful that I found you! You have changed my life for the better. THANK YOU!

[@MellowBellow1]

So true. Of course most people are compatible in many many levels. Insecure attachment CREATES division and INcompatibility. Negativity bias in safe situations CREATES conflict without resolution “by” the other but ONLY the self FOR the other. I have to say though Thais. … insecure people GET triggered. They are not triggered BY the other. We need to be REALLY clear about language regarding triggers. Triggers are TINY things ( the backfiring car) that has a FALSE MEANING in the present ( I am going to die from being shot ). The FALSE MEANING is held WITHIN the self, NOT the other ( the driver of the backfiring car is NOT trying to hurt anyone ). … Insecure attachment creates the FALSE belief that others are trying to hurt us BECAUSE we FEEL hurt. This is the definition of a cognitive distortion and projection.

[@lizp238]

I absolutely love this video! Coming from an FA/DA perspective- i prioritize autonomy for both myself and my partner. I want to know who they are as an individual and see them as that and not an extension of myself. The ability to show up for one another at their interest level from Time to time resonates to me as a beautiful balance of autonomy and care and interest for the other. It speaks Interdependence and full respect for who someone else is. It speaks healthy partnership. I don’t want someone at all my hobbies and events, I’m still trying to live a life for my own alongside a partner who lives their own life and we cross paths and passions for growth from time to time. We speak, we communicate, we share, we’re vulnerable. This is compatibility to me too. Ultimately once we speak if there is no resolve then it’s okay to let it go. ❤️ 100000 points for this vídeo !!!!

[@jamesgraves9858]

In that balance is suppression though. Inevitably if you love someone you miss them. DA/FA put things in storage and call upon them when needed and often don't respond when otherwise called upon. I noticed in all you said you did not venture to say anything about responding to the needs of someone else. You just merely said "crossing paths" is enough and what if it isn't for you partner. Is it something you're uncomfortable with? Then what separates a person from their qualities and what they bring to you? Do you love people for who they are or how they cater to your needs when you need them?

[@leolady8114]

Always, always, ALWAYS ... a lot of helpful information!!! ♥️

[@m_hall]

Absolutely love this. Although I think compatibility within different personality types and attachments is fascinating, there is a lot of truth and wisdom here. I think these three things are often learned over time, and shows maturity within a dating couple. You didn't really touch on the attraction piece, but if it's not necessary a lack of physical attraction, it's usually some form of #2, where there is a lack of appreciation or attraction to the person's differences. Good stuff!

[@lifecoachingtoronto]

I agree with you Matt about the lack of appreciation or attraction to the person's differences :)

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Glad you loved this one Matt. Thanks for taking the time to comment :)

[@mayaleela7749]

I love your content though I really have to disagree on this video. Of course we need to be willing to move towards each other in ways, accept our differences and be flexible with certain things. But imo compatibility points to how easy it's going to be to stay true to ourselves AND be able to get both our own and our partners needs met in the relationship. So if for multiple important aspects we find ourselves on opposite ends of the spectrum we are simply actually not really compatible. Could we make it work? Yes maybe. Though it'll be hard work & we have to compromise a lot to be able to meet each other. When we are more compatible our most important needs & values lay relatively close to each other which makes it easy to make a relationship truly work. An important lesson that I have learned is to also be able to acknowledge when someone is just simply not the best match for me. Instead of trying to make a not good match work, it might be a wiser choice to just find someone that fits better. I truly believe that for everyone there is an aligned partner out there with whom we don't have to massively compromise ourselves and can more effortlessly form a harmonious connection with

[@kate7932]

I 100% agree

[@honeymoney23]

Yes! This!!

[@miketg]

I’m glad you said this. I used to binge PDS videos everyday and for some reason this one just didn’t connect like all the other ones. It’s probably because I compromised heavily to stay in my marriage and I’m sure my ex felt the same way, but we still felt unseen and misunderstood that it drove us to divorce. Now I’m tired of compromising so I’m just looking out for people who naturally align with my lifestyle and values.

[@asmallbitchybanana]

100 percent agreed! Well written,

[@onthemagenta]

It sounds to me more like you’re using relationships to reinforce confirmation biases regarding “who you are”. But that you may be confusing your transient opinions and preferences for fundamental values and lifestyle priorities. The only time a superficial difference between people would result in you not being “true” to yourself is when you’re on the codependent side of relationship skills. It’s a conflation of not being condoned and supported in absolutely everything you do = being uncared for by your partner. This video was spot on, but most people can’t manage disagreement and differences in a healthy or mature way. And it’s easier to shoot the messenger.

[@gebronthomasson6960]

It’s not about changing them but being able to live in one another’s world

[@MsNadineJ]

This is amazing! I tried to talk to my bf recently about exactly this but he just got upset. You articulated everything I've tried to communicate. Thank you so much 💓 I love your channel and your work is so valuable 💗

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Thank you for the support Nadine!!

[@Mileys_choice]

1000% agreed... if you break it down, arguments tend to occur because that person is desperately trying to be SEEN and feel HEARD! The tones seem to lower once someone shows that validation, and only THEN can they start to get somewhere with whatever the subject matter is.

[@trdh5465]

Very useful, thank you!

[@lorajacqueline05eclectic53]

This breakdown was very valuable thank you!

[@JuliaShalomJordan]

Brilliant explanation about being seen, not necessarily agreeing.🌸

[@TadYoelLeBlanc]

Amen! Someone always having to be "wrong" in conflict negotiations is very unhealthy. Leads to bitterness and resentment from not being seen and heard.

[@IanRoyball128]

Thanks!

[@HH-pj5bl]

So true!!! Thank you for clarification Thais!!!

[@pikapoka17]

#2 my ex FA was not capable of telling me what his needs were so it was nearly impossible to meet him half-way... So sad and frustrating at the same time :(

[@patty518]

on top of FA's not being willing to work through problems through communication because they feel attacked just by bringing up problems in the relationship

[@priyapatel8711]

Completely agree 😊

[@VonBinde]

I really needed this.

[@AngDevigne]

Very helpful thank you

[@adrieljeremiah8371]

Beautiful thinking

[@Andrea-jl2wc]

Wow- I struggle with accepting my partners differences. Am I a narcissist for wanting my partner to behave certain ways that I approve of? I didn’t think so bc I have troubles sticking up for my needs and setting boundaries, but what Thais said there just blew my mind…

[@agloria8]

Does this make you incompatible or emotionally incompetent? Is it incompatible or the fact that conflict resolution is not taught and that we are not feeding, safety, trust, appreciation, validation, and respect in each other? That we are not recognizing their emotions and attending to their needs? It is not incompatibility as much as the emotional incompetence? The challenges in the relationship exceed the skills required. So, work on communication skills?

[@howtosober]

Welp, that answered that. I was definitely thinking of compatibility in a different way. When you frame it like this, NO. We weren't. He didn't put a moment's worth of work into our relationship the entire time we were together. Nor did he ever make room for my differences. Consequently- surprise!- the needle never moved. I just ended up with the life drained out of me and a steaming pile of his s**t to clean up after he blew out the door. No more DAs. Ever.

[@gebronthomasson6960]

Another Wow one

[@FLEXNIVORE]

Thais, can a “AP” display “DA or FA” behavior? My “it’s complicated “ partner took the quiz and results is AP but HELL TO THE NO she behaves as such. She isn’t even close to it. We’ve been together for almost 10yrs, she’s never been open to communicate, share our differences, offer and take expectations, let alone resolve issues. I’ve been understanding and supportive of her boundaries but she has never validated my emotions. We’re now in a very awkward place, we still live together because of our shared financial obligations. I just have so many questions!! But would you answer this one?! Thanks

[@TheCoffeeCat]

There's always the possibility that she has done the quiz with answers she thought were the best ones, not with what she actually felt. That said, I do believe we can be a mixed bag, for example, DA with friends and family but AP with partners etc. Another possibility: if you are AP yourself, she could be, for instance, an FA (equal parts DA and AP) but leans DA in relationship with you as a reaction to your attachment style.

[@bj2127]

Hi Thais, Can you make a video on how a secure individual break up?

[@Megan6772]

Having everything in common is boring. I think it's much more about values than hobbies.

[@frankclark1183]

The last guy I dated ended things because he said our attachment styles didn't "align"- was that a cop-out because he never told me he wanted to see or hear from me less. It was like "oh well this wasn't a match. Good luck!"

[@carolinelaronda4523]

Yeah he was a fearful avoidant. A DA would never have the self awareness to know they were a DA , an AP would have not given up easily but the avoidant side of him detached clearly .

[@smonaful]

🙏🏽

[@lisarubi3576]

Can you please reach out to me I need help I am in the Anixous preoccupied program but I am only using an I pad does this work need assistance

[@torqputty]

this seems more of unable to resolve differences rather than incompatibility itself - still very useful

[@missjk00]

I think whats missing here is differentiating between similarities in values vs hobbies vs personality traits. Much more nuance than what you are speaking to. Saying to bridge the gap to create compatibility doesn't really land with me. I feel like you are pretty solid with the attachment stuff, but this content seems like its missing elements.

[@Mars-]

🎉

[@lorikincaid5291]

Please talk slower!

[@renzenker2526]

I like your content, but the rambling long sentences are painful...you need a voice coach