Fearful Avoidant & The Fear of Relationship Boredom

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Who can relate with starting a fight to stop boredom?

[@Holly_Lerski]

Yep, I recognise this completely

[@robbertag808]

Not only because of boredom but to get more proof that someone actually loves you. If someone stays when you're a pain in the ass, this person must really love you. Until they leave and don't love you anymore...

[@lucytownsend1176]

I would say I start fights more to prove they love me, and to force myself to share my feelings and needs. 😩 Grateful I am practicing using the tools, learning healthier ways to be vulnerable, and learning how to feel safe doing so.

[@nahomelion]

I used to be like this. Most of the time it is my subconscious genuinely thinking of small issues as such big problems and my intense and toxic reactions were so genuine. Thinking about how toxic I was terrifies me honestly.

[@sarah9044]

I wish my boyfriend could also have this revelation. That's great you noticed and changed for the better.

[@ashleyb.8217]

Ohhhhh this did it!!!! I am the drama😂😂😂😢😢😢😢. Thais called me out about the constant restarting.

[@inkystarz]

Self awareness of triggers and glimmers and knowledge of how to communicate with your own nervous system is so helpful with these types of relational sabotage.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Most definitely! ❤

[@soniaesther0529]

This is something that is always hard for me to hear because I feel like I value closeness and harmony in relationships, but if I look beneath that, then yes, what “feels” like harmony and closeness and safety to me is a pretty consistently deepening or reinforcing existing depth of connection with my partner. I don’t see myself as picking fights per se, but I definitely can relate to the “settling in” feeling like someone will get bored or more prone to “the grass is greener“ and want to leave or look elsewhere. This part really is subconscious enough that it truly is difficult to feel otherwise without also fearing being blindsided if I let myself settle in too much. I really only settle comfortably when there is enough connection. This is a conundrum for me, who considers herself reasonably emotionally intelligent in many ways. Thais, could you dig into that part a little more? Like how do you change that without simultaneously feeling like you no longer have a compass for gauging the relationship?

[@sohila5033]

Holy sh#$ I feel as if you are talking about me.

[@soniaesther0529]

@@sohila5033 I feel like these sorts of things are the crux of our work. Like those things where you can’t really even imagine what it feels like because it’s so foreign to you. And why it would take a lot of learning about it from a well/informed on trauma secure person who can explain the ins and outs in a way that they can be incorporated. And then, as Thais always says, repetition and emotion!

[@soniaesther0529]

This is especially challenging for me in my relationship with a DA, where my fears can actually be legitimate concerns, so the line is much harder to see.

[@jerrykasinger8621]

Its an impressive quality..to be able to dig deep and articulate what is going on inside! Im struggling with this... really desire to accomplish this emotional awareness. I can see the benefits in relationships.. Thais nailed that ! Always trying to make it the best it can be.. Very similar.. not picking fights, but always looking to improve... I thought that was a good thing.

[@TiffanyNicholeCatley]

This was me big time with all of my partners! 😢 However, learning attachment theory and therapy has helped me change this around. To pinpoint exactly what my brain is communicating. I've actually been in a major funk lately because of this. But excercise, working towards new goals, etc. Had prevented me from picking fights with my partner. 😅

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Congrats on your growth! Thank you for sharing ❤

[@graceh110]

This video really sums up the cycle I’ve been stuck in and I felt like I was the only one in. I love your videos I’m slowly working my way through them - thank you!

[@roshalllambert]

I loved the point about peak stage in relationships and chaos being familiar in childhood!

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

❤

[@jacopofbargellini4005]

Although i perfectly knew this is a typical trait of Borderline people, i never really understood WHY my ex girlfriend ( borderline) was trying to destroy our relationship exactly when we were at a high, with everything going smooth and a lot of love around. In the exact moment i was thinking " ok, this relationshiop is perfect and it will last forever" she was picking a fight out of nowhere. The smallest thing was a pretext to start screaming, destroying things, treathening me and most of the time leaving our home saying she would have never come back. If i was able not to make it worst, the day after ( max 2 days) she would always come back apologising. But 6 years like this is devastating. In fact we are ex. At least thanks to you i finally understood why she was behaving that way

[@HH-pj5bl]

Another great video, receiving the intermittent reinforcement from the fa was definitely very tiring. What a great share thank you thais and love you❤

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

You're welcome! ❤❤

[@henryzhao4622]

Any FAs suddenly withdraw from commitment because they worry if you commit your would be partner will get bored of you eventually

[@chrisw9399]

Explains why any time we were having a happy, chill time my ex would pick an argument. The constant baiting was exhausting

[@DD-ic1bd]

Thais has Phenomenal and deep knowledge of how our attachment styles affect us day to day.. I often feel like she has spies in my mind, lol;) I appreciate all you do for us Thais, much love to you!!❤❤❤❤

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

No spying, I swear! Thank you for your generous comment ❤

[@DD-ic1bd]

@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool 😄😘❤❤

[@JacobCarlson-uq1my]

Wow ,perfect way to describe it. Phenomenal is a word I would also use & I have as well thought that it felt like she was a mind reader or something but didn't know how to describe it. It seems interesting that other people are feeling that also. Obviously a very positive good person to listen to. Very good & powerful woman.

[@michaelblue6150]

My ex FA constantly accused me of being bored with her

[@sarahbera6744]

I’m mostly anxious preoccupied with some secure and some FA. This is something I definitely do, I am terrified that my partner and I will get bored. I crave “passionate” dramatic relationships.

[@grukoin2789]

Did this today, goddammit. Thank you for the insight and tools ❤

[@mandymakhumalo4568]

This resonates. I had to pause 😢

[@premium_elegant_chic]

How to build a relationship with ambitious man who works 17/18h per day plus weekends but days he needs a serious relationship and a woman in his life? How to make him work less and give more time to me and to us??

[@cappygurl]

You can't make anyone do anything. But you can decide what your needs are and see if they align with his. What are your expectations? You might not be compatible in what you two want/need. You decide what works for you, tell the person what that is and let them tell/show you if they can show up that way. If not then it won't work out, look for something who can give you what you need.

[@audtasticgirl]

Thais. I understand now that all people with borderline personality disorder are FAs but not all FAs have BPD. How can we distinguish this? Is the only way to see a psychiatrist because they are quick to only rely on a DSM and misdiagnose. I watch all your FA videos and this is definitely me so I signed up for the course.

[@camille9997]

This is me 😩

[@yourfavpersuasion9385]

what if it is a family member or parent that does this? my mothers does this all the time

[@tammyn133]

FAKE!!!!!

[@nm0574]

I feel like f-ed up BADLY like bad bad. Like this beats fearful avoidant kind of bad 🧍‍♀️ as an FA: help