THIS Is What Every Fearful Avoidant Is SECRETLY Looking For 🫣💖

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

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[@tomatoeggs48]

Emotional depth: other people opening up and ask them deep questions. Trust - Transparency - Consistency. E.g. are you consistently available or available by phases? - Congruency (do you do what you say you will do?) - Consideration. E.g.: if you cancel/plan an event, do you look out for their emotions too? Presence. The more present, the more connected they will be. Safety. Emotionally. Consistent, shows up, is stable, grounded, reliable. Must have for them to open up and build something long term. Novelty. Test new restaurants, new conversations, new places, new hobbies, new things. Growth. Growing together.

[@harry-james-books]

It's pish

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

These are fantastic points! Thank you for sharing such a detailed breakdown-these qualities are so important for building trust and connection. 💜

[@guineapigsarecute1118]

fairness, you can add fairness to that as well. I think we have a sense of justice and what's fair as well. So at the end of the day, I think we need someone who is going to be fair with us, treat us fairly. At least that's how I kind of explain it. I don't need someone to hold my hand through life, be there all the time, or reassure me every day. But at the end of the day, I need someone who is fair with me. Think like the scales of justice. Balance.

[@guineapigsarecute1118]

Balance and fairness are also closely related to safety. If you are off balance and out of sync, you can fall or feel unsafe. Without fairness and balance, everything else can be compromised. Being fair to yourself and others is crucial, and if others are not fair to you, it can lead to significant problems. For me, the most important thing is not for someone to be perfect, or to meet a long list of needs, but simply to be fair. How they achieve fairness may vary from person to person and day to day, we are always changing. However, the principle of fairness toward each other should remain constant, so that all other aspects can fall into place naturally.

[@moneypenny515]

Can these bots/spammers about the magnetic aura crap be blocked or banned or something?

[@harry-james-books]

Report them and hopefully KZbin will stop them posting if enough of us do

[@alaia-awakened]

Finally someone said it!😂

[@hotPrayers]

such an eye opener, this is what I’m secretly looking for… 4:46 emotional depth - ask deep questions to the fearful avoidant so they will open up 6:09 trust - congruency, consistency and transparency 8:36 presence - when FA don’t have people present, it triggers the wound that they don’t matter 9:00 safety - consistent, shows up, reliable (the only baseline that will allow them to actually open up) 12:23 novelty - go to a new restaurant, have new discussions, trying new things together and unite over 13:51 growth - FA have a fear of not growing together, consistently understanding that what you need today may change and it’s about finding ways to grow together 14:54 freedom - want some days alone, independence 16:23 wanted and appreciated - FAs want the feel wanted and appreciated sounds like an important emotional hack - want to learn - how to bypass core wounds

[@guineapigsarecute1118]

It is very comforting to know that there is someone out there who understands me. Today was a day where things just really tapped into the anxious part of me. But I saw this video, and just knowing that there are answers, and that there are others like this, instantly calmed me down, just long enough to stop going down the rabbit holes, I would typically just go down, because of those nasty little trust issues. It's just enough to put my feet back on the ground, and get me to re-focus, and come back to reality, rather than inventing or telling myself stories that are just not true, or even if some of the components are not adding up, doesn't automatically mean that everything is going to catastrophize.

[@jamescoffman8096]

This is very important info. I am seeing a FA, and this is helping big time. Having worked thru much of my “stuff” long ago I fall into the secure group. Although I recognize that long ago I fell into the “anxious” group. She is aware of of you, Thais and your site and has watched a couple videos and agrees. I believe this is helping me navigate my interactions and I see her coming around. You help me in not making the mistakes that would drive her away, and she slowly, in her own way, is drawing closer to me. It’s great that we have God at the center of it all tho. Keep up the good work and I’ll keep watching. I think I gonna sign up for the “secondary” attachment as I would think it’ll be very helpful moving forward!

[@SummitMan165]

I cannot state enough how you described me in this video! I like to think I’m on a journey to become more secure, but I’m definitely a FA at the base. Thanks for sharing so much good material !

[@jamespt7354]

Gave her all these yet she still blindsided me after an amazing eve on my birthday!!! 10 weeks after she said she needed space apparently if it was meant to be she wouldn’t be worried by it all

[@harry-james-books]

Par for the course... they get "triggered" by the thought of being nice / loving to you on your birthday

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

I'm sorry to hear you went through such a difficult experience. It can be hard to make sense of things when they feel sudden and unexpected. Wishing you clarity 💜

[@jamespt7354]

@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool how do you get clarity ? Her next comment was time just makes you think I know she didn’t process anything during that time just worked! Oh and I found her on a dating app🤣 but she did buy the book milk and honey so maybe she’s trying to self reflect

[@Neurotic18]

@@harry-james-books have you ever considered maybe something was bothering her and the goal was to AVOID ruining his bday, so she brought it up AFTERWARD?🤦🏻‍♀️ sounds like you just think women should never bring up anything difficult, god forbid the attention is diverted from you for once 😂

[@jamespt7354]

@@Neurotic18 she had small little panic attacks because it was becoming intense and she was falling deeper always happened after intimacy then on my bday again after intimacy she was triggered because she was worried about getting pregnant and then she became overwhelmed and completely deactivated literally hours after saying how much she loved me 🤷🏻‍♂️

[@taylorschulz5678]

this is by far the most helpful video you've made! learned a lot

[@GGGG_3333]

It's really weird finding someone who knows me better than myself 😅.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

It’s great to hear it’s resonating with you!

[@marknightingale5674]

Thank you so much for your FA content. It's incredibly valuable

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Happy to hear it’s resonating with you!

[@RobMacDougall]

"unsustainable circumstances" story of my life 😩 fleeing fighting fawning freezing 😠 damn you subconscious mind

[@yellowtheresunshine]

@thepersonaldevelopmentschool can you please make a video on how dismissive avoidants cope/manage failure in their lives (eg a dream unrealised despite their best and long term efforts) and how best to support them to know they remain loved?

[@sifublack192]

@@yellowtheresunshine the best thing you can do is bring them peace. I'm SA/DA and have had my share of failures. I was homeless for three years, had two cars repossessed in the same year, and failed at business three times until I got things right. Now I have a home, a car paid off, and was voted number one martial art school in my city in 2023. Shared activities are a great starting point if you want to start bringing them peace.

[@MyDinnerAteVegan]

Hi Thais, my FA who doesn’t know she’s an FA I don’t believe, broke up with me out of the blue over a week ago saying she needed space and had to work on her own life and I had to work on mine and she just didn’t feel the same, but didn’t know why when I asked and said it was nothing I did and she was still just as attracted to me, but didn’t know why she didn’t have the same feelings when she knows she should. I spent the next 6 days talking her off the ledge every other day and using logic and reason (I know big mistake because she’s using emotions) and though she’d agree with my points that we could stay together and work on our relationship together and become stronger, but the next time I’d speak to her and try to see her it would all start again and she’d make excuses on why we couldn’t be together when for the past 3.5 months we were each other’s priority and constantly made time for each other. Also, we never had one fight or disagreement before this. In fact, she invited me to spend Christmas with her and her son and she bought all kinds of thoughtful gifts for me and even got a special Christmas stocking made for me and filled that with gifts too! I also bought her and her son, who really likes me, lots of gifts as well. We had a great time! The night before she broke up with me the three of us went for a really nice dinner and her son and I were bonding and we all were laughing and then we went to a cool laser show at the local planetarium, she was beaming smiling at me and making physical contact with me throughout the night and all seemed really well. Next day she calls and wants to break up. I was devastated and really confused. Finally three days ago she started again talking about breaking up and when she told me she was thinking of breaking established dates we made with each other to go out with her girlfriends, which would be breaking a big relationship boundary for us that she agreed to when we first decided to become exclusive which was to NOT breaking dates with each other other than for emergencies to go do something else. When she started telling me she was really considering doing that even after I reminded her of our agreement, that was it for me! I just couldn’t keep trying to convince my girl to stay in my life when everything had been terrific before by her own admission and I just wouldn’t accept her new disrespect of breaking our agreed upon dates to do something that might be “better” and I told her so. I asked her if it was another man and if it was just tell me and I’d be gone from her life without another word? She said “Of course not! Don’t be ridiculous.” and I believe her as we were together a lot and she’s not the type and after all I’ve learned about FA’s and their traits match with her almost 100%! Anyway, after she rushed me off the phone that day because she had to do something saying she’d call me later I reviewed everything in my head and what had happened in the past week, I decided my best course of action was to give her the space and the break up she was so insistent on and I crafted a message telling her so with my reasons and how much I do care for her but I just can’t keep trying to convince her to stay in my life especially when everything was really good before, I mean we were really connected! I just didn’t understand it and I really still don’t, but I refused to continue to try to convince her to stay in my life, especially when she knows what type of man. One she used to gush over all the time prior to this! Right then I went into No Contact with her and told her in the message that, “If or when you find yourself missing me, missing US and have a change of heart and you want to try again and make our romantic relationship a priority to please reach out to me and maybe we’ll try again if it isn’t too late?” and ended the message. No response from her. My question is: Do you think No Contact can still be as effective with that message to her telling her I wasn’t going to contact her again and giving her the path back to me before going into it or should I have just stopped communicating with her without another word and see if she became regretful and may want to try again sooner with my silence if she really does still care as much as she showed me she did for the months leading up to this break up? Also, I see some coaches telling the person who got broken up with, who started No Contact on their ex, to be the ones to reach out to them after a certain time period and then others say No, to not break No Contact until your ex does as it will make you look weak to them and that you would still be chasing them and that to them it looks like you want it more and if she never contacts you then there is your answer to how much she really cared. I know through my research that FA’s can be more sensitive and mainly break up with their ex’s to protect their hearts because they were really falling in love with them but wouldn’t they still have to be the ones to be so willing to initiate contact as the dumper to make things right knowing they totally screwed up and it was them that caused the break up to really value you and any possible relationship they might have with you in the future so they wouldn’t do it again? Thank you!

[@Sirenita.Onoquichtic3]

The length of this post makes me think this was written by an anxiously attached person, who I don't see do well with FA's. We (FA's) tend to do better with securely attached or other avoidants. Anxiously attached people cause me to cringe (at best) or run (at worst), even if I'm able to hide it in front of them. So it may seem like there's no conflict, but that's because I'm still processing (or suppressing) my emotions and may not be able to communicate them. FWIW, it may be better to focus on developing your own attachment style towards secure, and avoid FAs and AAs until then.

[@The_Whimsical_Avoidant]

​@@Sirenita.Onoquichtic3 I agree.

[@benhunt4089]

How can you connect deeply to a fearful avoidant who allowed her insecurities and past trauma to affect almost every important conversation we had? Where her past hurt and mistrust negatively coloured my words, intentions and actions. Where in the initial 4 months of the relationship she chose to introduce aggression, verbal abuse, threats of violence, emotional manipulation and criticism into the relationship. How can you be emotionally vulnerable with someone who does not make you feel emotionally safe because they continue to allow their past to affect their emotional insecurity and stability so much that it negatively affects the present and future? For example I was berated for not texting back fast enough, not picking up my phone on the first call or failing to check up on her in the toilet. Moments I should not have been blamed for, created entirely by her insecurity yet it was me who was left feeling hurt, untrustworthy and inadequate. When does such a person take personal responsibility and seek professional help to work through and hopefully heal from their past experiences, so as to not allow it to affect future relationships with people who have not hurt them?

[@NinjaKiller999]

People forget that 90% of relationships fail whether the person has an insecure attachment or not. Don't forget you're in competition with other men/women too and they can just think they can do better than you and that has nothing to do with being an FA or not

[@Warrior_Princess_1111]

True.

[@carolinechitra_888]

You’re only in competition with others if you think you are.

[@soulstormfire]

If you think relationships in the connotation of competition you are deeply in FA territory. Or worse.

[@jimhershey9809]

Thais can you still feel the triggers from the former FA side even though you’ve now become more securely attached? And do you have to still work yourself through not reacting in the way you used to to those triggers?

[@AusTechandNature]

You can do and provide all this but they often still run once overwhelmed by something, it is really not worth the effort, they need to fix themselves.

[@emilygonzalez7379]

Omg is this Sammie sweetheart? Lol jk this video was really helpful

[@The_Whimsical_Avoidant]

Loveee Sammie ❤

[@0v3rwh3lm3d]

what YOU need in a relationship with a fearful avoidant is RUN

[@harry-james-books]

...and keep running

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Relationships with FAs can be challenging. It’s always okay to prioritize what feels right for you and your well-being.

[@0v3rwh3lm3d]

@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool after 9.5 years of an emotional rollercoaster an FA put me through I'm finally free. that was a hostage situation, not love

[@The_Whimsical_Avoidant]

For me, my number one need is safety. This isn't just in romantic relationships, but with anything in life. If you communicate in a flippant, rude or insulting way, you're an unsafe person. If you don't communicate at all, you are again an unsafe person. Another thing is negging. If you think slight insults or digs are funny, I pay attention to that. Especially if you tell me you're "just joking". Nah. Not with me sir. Consistency is important, but since I can't always be consistent, I won't hold someone to it if it's a one off or occasional. I categorize some people as consistently inconsistent lol. 😂 Love this video thanks! ❤

[@sifublack192]

Good insight from someone who understands the FA mindset.

[@The_Whimsical_Avoidant]

​@@sifublack192 there's a lot of unsafe people out there. Being cautious and not staying to be gaslit and emotionally or verbally abused seems to be considered "negative" to some that had an FA or DA that left them. I read some of the unhinged comments and I'm sending out high fives to the sis who left them because I know they escaped hell by the way some talk here.

[@sifublack192]

@@The_Whimsical_Avoidant I hear ya on that one. It's almost like we're just supposed to trust anyone and v everyone just because. Meanwhile being cautious is "abusive" and "narcissistic." 🙄

[@The_Whimsical_Avoidant]

​@@sifublack192 right. Exactly. I'm not sorry to admit that I will choose my peace all day everyday over some guy who acts like a nut.

[@Zorro00444]

@@The_Whimsical_Avoidant Do you gaslight people yourself? Are too critical to find minor faults in people and then blow them out of proportions while completely overlooking your own faults or shortcomings? Jump relationships/situationships to situationships every couple of months? Demand emotional depth but dont reciprocate?

[@JETTSTACHI]

Are not those "needs" important to any relationship? I must be FA. It sounds like what I would want with a partnership.

[@soulstormfire]

Yes, they are. That's why they aren't secret in a healthy relationship.

[@CoreyFSnowden]

This feels like the exact opposite of every other FA video I have seen. Which makes it far more complicated to deal with. They are already insanely complicated to deal with and love. Why even try with an FA?

[@abaudry]

Those needs look like what any relationship needs to thrive. Is it really specific to FA?

[@dante6985]

Yes but with an FA, think of it all dialed up to 11. With dishonesty in typical relationships, you think of things like cheating, idk not telling your partner about an STD, concealing finances like a gambling addiction. With dishonesty with FAs... You shouldn't even white-lie to an FA (like say you've watched their favorite tv show when you hadn't this week. They. Will. Know. And They Won't. Like. It.). With safety, they don't want to hear anything perceivable as criticism unless it's absolutely necessary, particularly early on. Do not give them flak to "be funny" (even if they do so to you). Mild annoyance might be interpreted as an attack. Above all, be patient, be caring, give them plenty of space (do not chase them). IMHO FAs are great, sensitive people who just want to love and be loved but it's not hard to deactivate them which often ends the relationship. I also think it helps a lot if you're a bit older with a thicker skin. If you're the type who's devastated by a break up ('what's the point in living now?'), I wouldn't date an FA.

[@harry-james-books]

"Show an FA emotional depth" ?? Who knew that Thais Gibson did comedy? You try deep questioning an FA or showing them emotions and you'll be discarded within days, possibly only hours.

[@soniaesther0529]

I assume you don’t actually know an FA. Or, you’re generalizing one to represent all. I am an FA and depth is by far one of my greatest needs. Sometimes, two people just aren’t meant to be together, and it’s not all about attachment style.

[@heyu123]

I think he’s talking about a DA

[@soniaesther0529]

@@heyu123 sounds more DA, but FA’s can probably feel like that to an AP or to someone they’re not actually interested in.

[@harry-james-books]

@@soniaesther0529 FA's gaslight, as you are here

[@harry-james-books]

@@heyu123 An FA is a DA. The only difference is that they can veer between Anxious and Dismissive. You will think you're "connecting" and in doing so, you are triggering their core wound. They may be loving and open for a day, two days, a few days, then they will react and either openly sabotage what you have, or simply shut down and discard

[@harry-james-books]

This would be half useful, except the more you try for an FA, the worse they get. The only answer is to walk away and then in time you'll end up in a meaningless FWB situationship, with added gaslighting and screwy behaviour. And then even that will be "too much" and they'll sabotage it / discard you.

[@viralynn8120]

Ouch. As an FA, I would never do any of this. I’m sorry you’ve experienced that. I would rather be single than any of that. I just very rarely date and when I do it’s with one person, so you won’t find me available 99% of the time.

[@The_Whimsical_Avoidant]

​@@viralynn8120 same. I don't play games with people like that. Unfortunately some people put everyone in one basket because they had a bad relationship with a person with a specific attachment. Don't personalize it. ❤

[@harry-james-books]

@@The_Whimsical_Avoidant Gaslighting again...

[@harry-james-books]

@@viralynn8120 You're not an FA then

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

It’s understandable to feel frustrated when efforts don’t seem to be reciprocated. Taking time to prioritize your own needs is always a good step forward.

[@sw4rmify]

Dang ngl sounds like a lot of work…. 😅

[@hmaroni9572]

Yeah but it is also a lot of work of you are with an anxious Person (like I am). So the other way round it is also super hard I guess

[@naddyn685]

Amazing! 🤩 just need to find a way to get my DA to watch this and not run! I think he also has Asperger’s syndrome which means his emotional mind isn’t as developed.

[@soniaesther0529]

DA and FA are different

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Thank you for sharing! Finding ways to approach sensitive topics can be tricky, but we’re glad you’re finding tools to navigate it. 💜