Dismissive Avoidants Fall In Love in Your Absence | Why and What to Do!

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In this video, Thais Gibson unravels the enigmatic behavior of dismissive avoidants, shedding light on why they seem to fall in love when you're not around and how to navigate this complex dynamic. Gain unparalleled understanding of the dismissive avoidant attachment style as Thais imparts practical tips for immediate, profound transformation towards becoming securely attached.
For life-changing insights, unlock the empowering course, "Advanced Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Style Course: Your Guide to Thrive in the 6 Stages of a Relationship."
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00:00:00 - Intro
00:00:29 - Operating In Feelings Minus Fears
00:04:40 - Hyperindependence
00:06:15 - Limerence
00:07:12 - If You're a Loved One of a DA
00:08:39 - 7-Day Free Trial: DA in the 6 Stages of a Relationship
00:09:51 - Conclusion
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Hey there! I'm Thais Gibson, and this is the channel where I teach you how to transform your life.
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[@user-gt7iy9zn3k]

Almost two years no contact, he must be madly in love by now

[@crook7493]

There is a chance you are possibly what many call a “phantom ex” which is common for an avoidant to have

[@user-gt7iy9zn3k]

@@crook7493 Interesting phenomenon, but it's just a joke

[@elaalas3221]

😂

[@oyesolaopeyemi6217]

😂😂

[@johannaakra7464]

😂😂😂😂

[@Between_thelines_____270]

4 years it took me, to face the avoidance present in myself that meant I kept choosing unavailable avoidants. A big jump towards trying something different and I'm finally in something happy that meets my needs. Once I stopped fearing that someone with needs would overwhelm me, I got everything I had longed for. Just let them go. Put all the love into someone who wants to receive it.

[@scarletsletter4466]

Yes!! I had exactly the same experience. I’m a former DA (or maybe just avoidant leaning secure) & I always looked for ppl more avoidant than me bc I was scared someone’s needs would overwhelm me. Also I found needs to be a turnoff in men, which is unfair but how we are socialized

[@mindtobodyfit]

@@scarletsletter4466yuyvu

[@kimberlyhumphrey4408]

​@@scarletsletter4466yep, I was raised to believe emotional needs were weak in men

[@sf808opalaman]

Jennifer, are you with someone new? Or once you stopped fearing someone with needs you adapted?

[@annaormandy106]

I've been connecting with a DA for a few months now and he says he doesn't want anything else in his life. I am trying to accept that and let go but every time I do he messages me. I have an anxious attachment so I start connecting with him again. We live in different towns and haven't seen each other in about 6 years. Is there any chance he will change it should I completely give up?

[@simplestanswer]

Almost 6 years of listening to every video and reading books. I have never put more effort into loving someone. Wasted effort. Wasted years. Seriously just run . DAs are damaged people and they will break your heart. They see being alone and completely independent as an asset. Love is suppressed no matter how much they feel it. Life with one of these people is lonely and painful. This has been my experience. When I leave she calls me back. When I'm with her she's ice. Run!! I wrote this in pain and frustration. Truth is running isnt necessary. If i heal my own attachment style the DA is not even a factor. Bless them and get on with a healthier lufe.

[@generativeresearch]

I'm going through the same. This comment helped!

[@DeborahJoshua24]

I agree. I’ve been with my DA for 42 years because I thought it was all my fault… which is what he told me… and I believed him. Deal with whatever made you choose your DA in the first place and move on. I pray you find happiness!

[@jenbodhi1133]

This is what I realized too, it’s just pointless, when I go no contact and ignore him and just live my life- he’s obsessed with me, when I relent and give him another chance, he doesn’t want me anymore, it’s just ridiculous and I realized it’ll always be this way

[@jenbodhi1133]

@@rpk13 it’ll destroy your mental and emotional health- for nothing other than their mind games

[@CrystalLoren]

YUP!!! Accurate. I have been with a DA for over 6 years now and we are filing for a divorce tomorrow morning. Completely shut off, cold, apathetic people. He also had a severe porn addiction and was prone to lying a lot and would blame me for my reactions to his disrespect, neglect of my emotions and feelings. He ended up treating me horribly mentally, and emotionally. I went through so much neglect, and mental and emotional abuse due to his gas lighting, cold, shut off, apathetic behavior. I was always dumped/ broken up with is I voiced my feelings or needs and he showed absolutely no care after disrespect and violating my boundaries. Absolutely no love or effort

[@howtosober]

The problem with this DA pattern is that they idealize you when you're not around, and then when you are around they nipick and fault-find til one of you gets sick of the whole relationship and leaves. So basically the only way to get anything right with a DA is by disappearing altogether. Whatever hope there is to fixing that pattern isn't worth the work it takes for the non-DA partner. Wait til they go and do the work to heal their attachment style unless you want to dump time and energy into something that will never be reciprocated.

[@mr.soundguy968]

Yeah, and the worst thing is that it's a never ending cycle

[@thalittguru7697]

If you understand their workings, it would be profitable to find the humor and simultaneous compassion in the nit pick and fault finding. It only hurts if you internalize it and agree with it so you have to take accountability for allowing the DA to define your character in his/her moment of weakness via projection/lashing out. That also means that you have wounds that you may need to work through as well. Otherwise life will appear unkind for it has a way of showing where healing is needed in the most mysterious ways😂 hope this resonated.

[@sydastark]

Yeah I think I’m over it

[@LizM8888]

It really is the only way until they’re self aware enough and can lean into the wound by doing the work and committing to it life long with their partner AFTER they’ve done their own work enough to carry their work and practice in it

[@verohb79]

Exactly nitpick my goodness, they’re PROFESSIONALS at that! 😂

[@angelbaby91]

“Extreme infatuation happens when somebody meets our deeply unmet needs from childhood.” 🤯 #truthbomb

[@denizard123]

The Avoidant and Anxious are the Ying Yang system. The Avoidant ghosts the Anxious in separation so that the Anxious becomes a Secure attachment style(which takes lots of in-work). Once the Anxious becomes aware (awakes) it no longer needs the Avoidant thus it has become one within him or herself. This creates the necessary void the Avoidant needs to begin healing energetically thus missing the (previous Anxious) now a Secure Attached person which is what they need to express themselves freely in a loving way. Then the Avoidant by following the now Secure partner becomes slowly a Secure person as well. The Secure partner leads the way home.

[@mtbnumber23]

Sounds fairy tail ending - wonder how often it happens?

[@abbeylandry844]

Absolutely enlightening way to look at that! Every bit of it hit home. Off and on for a couple of years now he’s avoidant and I’m anxious. The last break up tore me to pieces …..so I completely blocked him in EVERYTHING and went on a self healing journey. Took me about a year. We recently crossed paths and because I am calm, healed ( mostly) and whole and secure, he opened up and told me how much he loves me, but he just does not know HOW…..And he wants to work on that so in a nutshell, I think you’re right.

[@amandagarciapastor6475]

Would would you show up secure as an AP? Giving space?

[@amandagarciapastor6475]

@@abbeylandry844 congrats on your healing 🙏 I am AP and something similar happened to me. Ex partner broke up, I went inwards and not I would say I am becoming more and more secure. What did you do to heal?

[@Flow-Joe]

I might get hate for pointing this out, but this is the exact thing a Twin Flame Journey is all about, if you exclude all the esoteric mumbo jumbo, 3-4-5D-chakra-one-soul-split-in-half-garbage and look at the relationship dynamic from a perspective of attachment theory. I don't literally believe in this stuff, i discovered it while learning about BPD and NPD, because i was super scared to fall in love with my avoidant, who is a diagnosed BPD. But damn, as a metaphor this really hit me and helped me understand a lot about all of this and my anxious self. I've healed a huge chunk already. We've been platonic, but there's a lot of tention in the room and a few weeks ago i initiated no contact. I wanted to give it a push (in text/voice messages, not physically) and it backfired. I'm taking some time off for 1-2-3 months or so. Thank you for reading my blog.

[@verohb79]

The only way to have an excellent relationship with a DA is to never see each other. What a relationship. Not worth it.

[@albertdavis4797]

😂

[@monavis2356]

Nah, I did everything you mentioned here. Gave him time, distance, his own circle of friends and him going out with them whenever he pleased, from time to time I gently mentioned it'd be nice if some of my needs would be met too. He'd stonewall + give me silent treatment + other immature selfish behaviours. It's ALL about them. It's not an attachment style. It's a DETACHMENT style. They are a LOST cause and undatable. They need to seek therapy BEFORE they enter into a relationship with a normie, OR they need to date each other.

[@repentjesusiscomingsoon1529]

Date each other, LOL, good solution!

[@sydastark]

Why should I put all my needs to the side because they need space all the time why would I choose to be with a partner that will pull away at any given moment when I might need them, but I’m expected to be there for them? Show them empathy for their struggles, and give them what they need, be their cheerleader even though they don’t do those things for me.? why should I be with a partner that might cheat on me because our relationship is going well and it triggered something in them because they see themselves as vulnerable? Why should I risk being exposed to venereal diseases because my partner hasn’t done their shadow work and worked on themselves. I don’t think I should , I want more than that , or nothing, being in a relationship that is torturous is not on my agenda.

[@jenbodhi1133]

Exactly, this is why I’ve stayed no contact, who needs this garbage

[@fortheladies771]

These people are narcs. They love coining new terms for it so we can have “compassion “ for them lol

[@jenbodhi1133]

@@fortheladies771 I agree, they’re just covert narcissists

[@user-ov8mk1ii1r]

Exactly. I'm not a 1950's Stepford Wife

[@bridony225]

@@fortheladies771 I disagree. I've been married to a narcissist (first marriage) and a dismissive avoidant (2nd marriage). They may both be assertive about their needs but they are very different when it comes to making the relationship work. My DA husband has worked on himself and went through the PDS courses so that has helped. But one major difference between the two is that narcs will always make everything your fault, they will always paint themselves as the victim. My DA husband doesn't do that. He's a bit stubborn, but he is willing to see his part in things and work on it. With my ex, there was no working through it... he was always right and I needed to see that everything was my fault. My DA also expresses genuine feelings for me when he opens up. With my ex, it was always a fake feeling, like they were putting on an act.

[@Twighlight333]

I’m a FA and that’s why I fall for dismissive avoidant men because of space that is given between the two, however they are so hard to talk too when it comes to fixing a problem, misunderstanding each other happens so often and we hurt each other without meaning to sometimes

[@2KChilds]

I find that they never amount to anything more than just occasional companionship, and never anything substantial enough to build on whatsoever. I'm at FA as well, but always end up walking away from them.

[@antonioa6089]

Recently had an other experience with a DA. They talk about themselves as “low maintenance” when in fact they can be quite a pain and need soooo much work if you want to receive even the slightest form of normal interaction when it comes to common discussion. I end up this time leaving since this person almost stone walled me and his passivity quite mortified the interaction. It’s so tough though, I can understand so much now and empathise with their way of thinking but at some point you got to respect yourself

[@rizf800]

​@@antonioa6089I can't thank you enough for this comment I thought I was delusional when he said he's low maintenance but the conversation with him felt one sided and I feel it's going to be hard to get emotionally or physically close to him. He's a suitor for my marriage I was considering him but hearing you confirmed my doubts about him thank you

[@ghostx141xgaming5]

@@antonioa6089my fiance is a FA, with patience I’ve had to deal with a few relapses but she’s finally moving out of that.. she’s 4 years older then me and I’m from the south in Ga her southwest.. My experience with this so far is annoying af.. but the rewards are a soulmate.. she’s realizing herself she’s the problem and that I’m not her dad or her ex, she’s Latina, and I’m black.. she’s really grown a lot, and I’m proud of her if the relapses continue I will leave and we can’t marry… I came up with a safe word “I love you” when she feels her self losing control, or about to repeat the past, so far only used it once, recently.. got back together the day before Valentine’s Day.. and she used it on valentines.. and re assurance is key and listening.. she took me out. Got food, got each other gifts meaningful ones with notes and cards to keep together and her re assurance is amazing, with time if consistent they’ll grow

[@jellybelly100100]

I can relate to this totally.

[@dustinquinton]

Like I have previously said, “If you think that your partner is a DA…..RUN!” You will feel more lonely with them than on your own. They are the least nurturing people I have ever known.

[@sarahsurrender11]

I always feel better when I leave them...just weird

[@dustinquinton]

@@sarahsurrender11 not weird

[@ayeshah355]

The empathic side of me wants to understand the DA who is in my life, but I've gotten to the stage where I can see myself disappearing as I try to give him space and understand his needs before honouring my own. I am so tired and I feel emotionally detached from this person and I am waiting for a quiet time to leave without an argument because I can't mentally take another one.

[@MusicwithMrsLC]

It’s the lack of reciprocity that really chips away at you over time. Even when things are “good” and you feel love from them, the conversations almost always revolve around their lives, their needs, etc. How often does your DA ask how your day was? Or what they can do to support you? Surprise you with a thoughtful gift or words bc you had a bad day? Offer words of affirmation? Hardly ever. So even when it’s GOOD, it’s about them. They don’t know how to support or offer encouragement because they really aren’t intuitive about anyone’s needs but their own.

[@Tsan1010]

@@MusicwithMrsLC spot on. After 20 years I gave everything you described. Three children into our marriage I am not a quitter but being honest I never received everything you described. I had to always initiate. She left us almost 10 months ago to be “happy.” our children are hurting really bad. Very sad makes no sense to me.

[@jenbodhi1133]

This is the third time he’s pulled disappear act on me, this is the first time I’m happy he did, I don’t want to be in this situation anymore

[@jenbodhi1133]

@@Tsan1010they’re extremely selfish

[@MusicwithMrsLC]

@@jenbodhi1133 I’m sorry. I know how much you have to endure before you get to the point you don’t want to deal with it anymore. I truly hope you continue to heal and find someone who can reciprocate your effort!

[@GMS919]

Ok, but so what is the option? To always keep yourself at a distance from them so they don't get their "fears"... so what are you suppose to have a relationship "at a distance"? What kind of relationship is that?

[@marcd2743]

You just answered your own question.

[@llillyiy]

I'm FA and am in such a "relationship" with my DA for 4 years now 😂 I'm telling him we're in a distance relationship for years (sex over the phone, once in a while in person, monogamous) and that it's time to have a relationship that's not at a distance cuz we live 15 minutes by car from each other. I really confronted him in person in June and he said he needs to think about it. 3 month later, we saw again and I thought he decided to be with me. We saw each other like once a week and then he again started ghosting me. He texts normally for like once a week. And we haven't seen each other for 5 weeks 😩 I will stop texting him now and wait till he comes to me. I guess it's the only way. I myself also need time alone so I don't mind it.

[@maryjane2965]

@@llillyiyDo you hear yourself?You will waste your whole life waiting ,with this man and others to follow if you don’t wake up!Not trying to be mean just a warning partly due to own experience.What do you envision your future self to be?Be real and REALISTIC!You can have all of it but NOT if you keep standing in your way.There really is no way around working on your attachment wounds no matter how hard you try you will come back to the same point even years later!

[@ra_i_ja]

​@@maryjane2965thank you 🙏 you're right. We saw each other once in the meantime. And he just stopped answering my messages since that. That was like 2 weeks ago. I am really over it 😩 it makes no sense anymore. I'm letting it go

[@rheajaiswal8980]

@@llillyiygirl, run, please

[@marcd2743]

The value in all of Thais's videos about DAs is to be able to identify a DA and then not get involved with a DA. Not for you to "fix" them.

[@thetallestmaninasia5689]

Integrate the shadow my brother. Become the legendary stoic non needy man and you'll not be afraid to fall in love with a beautiful DA.

[@dinodino1766]

​​​@@thetallestmaninasia5689That sounds very unhealthy. I stayed stoic with a DA and gave her a year to work on her issues once we discovered them. But the needle wan't moving. She didn't really want to change because she felt the DA behaviors made her feel safe. Reminding her that it hurt me made hear freak out from guilt. In the end, the best thing I could do was give her a good ending to the relationship, pray for her, and move on and start my own healing process. She had beautiful qualities as a person, but there is NOTHING beautiful about being a DA.

[@marcd2743]

@@thetallestmaninasia5689 Already done the work. If you want to play games with a DA and constantly drop your bar down to their level, be my guest. There are so many wonderful people out there who aren't head cases. Real DAs are there to teach you a lesson, that you need to do work on yourself on why you were attracted to them in the first place.

[@marcd2743]

@@dinodino1766 Wise man. She was a blessing in disguise. She was put in front of you to expose your weaknesses so that you could do work on yourself. There's a reason you were attracted to her in the first place, blind to her behavior and gave her that much time.

[@mjey1]

We should never fix anyone!

[@susanneosborne7861]

There could be a very brief video telling people to RUN LIKE HELL AND DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME ON THESE DISMISSIVE INDIVIDUALS. You'd be doing people a greater service to NOT let them think there is a solution. I tried for 9 years. Work it out in a conversation with compromises? They DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIP. It's futile. And yes, I'm an anxious attached. It was a disaster. I ruined my health on all levels.

[@wendydavid9076]

Your right no matter what you do it won’t work

[@repentjesusiscomingsoon1529]

This is absolutely 100% CORRECT!!! Don't waste your time on them, it's nothing but HEARTBREAK AND MISERY! Never again for me!!!!

[@eileendom5858]

What’s confusing to me is in the beginning my ex DA wanted me around all the time. I wanted to keep distance bc I didn’t want to fall in love at first. I know myself and so keeping distance keeps me level headed in the beginning. I gave him space not realizing he was a DA. He told me he wasn’t going to have that type of relationship. He needed more time together. I gave in and fell in love. But then I wanted time with him and he began working all the time or being on an opposite shift from me. Anyway,I fell hard and then he didn’t want me, but my distance brought issues bc he thought I was in a bad mood or in some sort of emotional affair. Based on quiz, I am a FA.

[@sauravdevnath8874]

Exactly same thing happened with me and I am from India it's strange the patterns are so same I ignored her at first now that I gave in she ditched me

[@hg3895]

They don't know what they want and until they heal are incapable of giving true love. I had periods of this behaviour too. Except in their heads where they think they are great partners lol. God give me the eyes to avoid this type of relationship. My mother is this way and I've healed😊 I just had to accept.that the more I'm away the more she loves me- Healed/Former FA

[@marianabucio6047]

Yup, same thing happened to me. My ex DA even risked infecting me with COVID (before vaccines were widely accessible and without my consent) because he didn't want to be apart. Fast forward a year or two, we moved in together, and he barely wanted to spend time with me and wanted to spend most of his free time with his friends instead. Not a fun experience 👎

[@littledevil8146]

Yeah I was in the same situation with my partner. Sorry for saying this, but avoidants are really shitty people... I feel like their behaviour is fully built to break people

[@r_and_a]

@@hg3895 thais has *actually* said it's common for das to feel *incapable* of relationships as they're *defective* & have a lot of *shame* wounds so while *you* might've encountered one (or even a few) das who "think they are great partners" i don't think it's correct to generalize so broadly, especially when it contradicts what one who almost certainly has so much more experience with this dynamic than you

[@Risingphoenixx66]

Point is a DA was neglected and abused and now they neglect and abuse themselves by denying love. I,m heartbroken because he is my true love.

[@wisconsinfarmer4742]

everyone is broken@@mjey1

[@Risingphoenixx66]

@@mjey1 thanks for your comment, you are right .I was in a long term marriage,relationship for 23 years with someone with BPD , guess that tells it all. What do i think i,m worthy of getting in love. It,s not because of my appearance but because of my chronic disease MS and anxiety issues. My inner believe is that someone is better of without me. My character is more then okay, i,m honest, loyal, empathic, kind and loving and caring. And that took me o 56 years to even say this about myself .If i attracted someone who,s a DA i must admit to myself that i ,m also somewhat avoidant out of fear. , i,m also afraid of love and commitment . He was loving at first and very interested, we were both not looking for love and didn,t expected it would happen but it did. falling in love once in twenty years and then left heartbroken hurts Changing the way one thinks of itself isn,t easy. If you love and accept yourself it will reflects back in your outer world you,re right Thanks. Maybe the advice don,t date when you,re broken is true .

[@debbylee6329]

I have been in love with a DA for the past year. He is hot/cold, had put me in the friend zone. I went 4 months without seeing him and texted very little. My heart was hurting but I was determined to see what he would do. After 4 months, he appeared. We have had very intimate positive conversations that cleared the air. He is starting to pull away again so I have made up my mind that I am giving him a certain time frame to decide if it's us or go our own ways. I am so in love with him, he has my heart and always will. Sometimes we have to love from a distance and go on our journey without them. A lot would have to change and honestly I am planning my life without him if needed. I have felt the heart ache you are going through. Start loving yourself and you will be okay.

[@pisces1125]

ugh this sucks.. I am going through the Same and it's so painful. Trying to go a week without contact is torture.

[@jenbodhi1133]

He’s not your true love. It’s a trauma bond

[@kaelakirk5802]

I'm at a loss for words. My boyfriend and I broke up about a month ago, and I've been scouring the internet for answers because I don't 100% understand what went wrong. We were together for 7 years and loved each other deeply. Many highs and lows, but we tried our best to love each other and get through everything stronger. After taking your quiz I found out that I have Anxious attachment style and I'm now 99% sure that he has DA. What kills me is that after reflecting on things, I realised he repeatedly asked me for communication (telling him what I need in advance), less criticism, respect, space and more independence. For a lot of reasons, I struggled with these things but now it makes so much sense why they were so important to him, and why our relationship deteriorated over time. I didn't realise we needed such different things from the relationship. It doesn't lessen the heartbreak, but I feel like maybe it'll help me start to move on, and treat things differently and treat others better in the future. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. ❤

[@jessklay8594]

Dismissive avoidants are such a mystery to figure out. They are like ferrel animals

[@sfktube]

Fall in love in your absense. Just don't RETURN, and you'll be fine.

[@Pumpmaximum13]

Im in a relationship with a DA, I've never had a bad reaction from giving time and space. It actually works for both our benefit. She feels more comfortable and, in turn, our time together is higher quality.

[@user-qp3xs1xk4d]

This does work for a long time. It did for me. But in the end they still feel trapped, and you'll get dumped..

[@jesusthewaytruthandlight7558]

You have got to be kidding !!! Da are such hard work. They give space & time all right that’s 90% of the relationship and the other 8% fault finding and 2% amazing love. Nightmare cycle 🔁 had I known before marriage I would have RUN 🏃‍♀️

[@seowweetang2253]

It just means she's lower on the avoidant spectrum. Which is why it works for you.

[@davesmulders3931]

Great. But it doesn't fix anything. You're just circumventing the problem and feeding their DA behavior...... actually acknowledging that it works for them thus making their DA behavior even more rigid and fixed.

[@kodeh7931]

Just don’t marry her. She’s just good for some 👄👄 every now and then

[@minorhobo]

Leave them… or wreak your mental health …. They may not wish to, but they will

[@droflivelife]

The part i don't agree with is that DAs want superficial relationships aside from the person they love. They get validation from these people and they micro cheat they whole time. So by giving them space, your giving them more opportunity to emotionally cheat. They abuse even when you want to give them time and space. The fact we know they seek attention elsewhere makes us more anxious naturally. It's a no win situation. They are best living their lives with FWB situations.

[@DobermanDanK9]

100%. If space is given, they use third parties to fill their needs. I wouldn't mind friendships, but when in a relationship and they take it to the extreme of seeing other people. Lying and being secretive about the whole thing

[@droflivelife]

@SuperBigdan123 mine left me the first time because once confronted about it they make out its my fault for being over jealous. I said how is sending a selfie in the shower to another married man overreacting? They have no borders or understanding of what's appropriate. She was like you can't tell me who I can be friends with. Crazy

[@DobermanDanK9]

@zoltszolts5632 Yeah, it's mental. I actually felt like mine came across really chill regarding seeing this other person. When asked if they were seeing them, their response was, I don't know. Yeah right 😆

[@droflivelife]

@SuperBigdan123 I might be old fashioned but I could not handle guys that I knew wanted her, or guys she had been with and she's catching up for coffee and texting. I was like that's OK if they are such good friends, why won't you introduce me to them ever. Also never put a pic of the two of us in fb, but she posted 10 times a day of herself. I'm like why you keeping me a secret?

[@Olivetree80]

I'm sorry you've been hurt, but this whole comment reeks of generalizations and misunderstandings. You don't learn about psychology to hate or judge, it should be the opposite, if you're learning it correctly.

[@fiction589]

My boss is a classic DA and mega introverted, but his wife is ultracool, not an AP at all. So that escalated quickly some months ago, they almost broke up after 30 years of marriage. I could never be with someone who is so unemotional, always busy with his work, has little fun being with with his wife / would rather be alone. This is so abstract for me. But in general, I just prefer extroverted men who love to have a great time, who enjoy company.

[@zoelee-films562]

My DA wife broke up with me few days ago. I’m an FA, on the journey to heal myself. It’s so hard to recover from this, but all these videos help so much ! Thank you 🙏🏻

[@jillcohndc]

I was-unknowingly-married to a DA for 40 years. He had a mystique that attracted me. I tried to understand his “quirkiness” but was unable. In the past year he expressed a strong need for space from me. He physically left me. He didn’t want to work it out. He was done. Now that I understand where he comes from I know better how to be with & support him. He is done. No room for “one more chance.” It is quite painful at 79 to be without my dear, sensitive partner. I’d give anything to have him back.

[@jennifercoleman5159]

I'm so sorry for your loss. At age 79, especially devastating. Your comment struck me the most. Please accept some love sent your way from a stranger, like me here on KZbin comments. You MATTER. You're deserving of love, laughter and security. Please feel the warm hug I just wrapped around you.

[@psi23k]

Dont waste your time. Run away and dont look back.

[@pedroviana8677]

Im an anxious attacher and accepted an open relationship with a DA bc I wanted to respect their need for freedom. We spent 3 years and 8 months together, no fights nor drama. But then I got into a pretty bad depressive cycle bc I got laid off at work and she left me at my lowest without any kind of warning or care to fuck around with one of her friends. All the while she was still saying that she wanted me in her life forever, until she suddenly ghosted me and vanished completely. Now I’m left broken and angry without any kind of closure or justice. Avoidants are nothing but parasites that suck truly loving people dry until it’s their turn to nurture their partner and then they just bounce to their next target with no remorse whatsoever. I pray to God I never come across one of them again in my whole life. Fuck avoidants

[@marcd2743]

Don't confuse an avoidant with a pos. Take responsibility for creating the situation you are in and growth will come.

[@dailymotion1995]

I think you were dealing with a bad person who lacked empathy. I doesn't sound like they were avoidant just crappy.

[@jenbodhi1133]

@@dailymotion1995this sounds exactly how avoidant behave

[@SeanOzz]

Could be an avoidant that is also a cover narcissist?

[@repentjesusiscomingsoon1529]

@@jenbodhi1133 YES, IT CERTAINLY DOES!!!

[@davidsisson2026]

Makes so much sense. My physical needs were met. Never emotional needs , nor just talking openly with , anyone in my family I learned to isolate, had very low self esteem.

[@cococaptivating7611]

2 days and a phone call. That seems like a friend not a partner to me.

[@terrycraig6386]

@cococaptivating7611: that's exactly how they refer to you around other people. Just a friend.get used to it,or leave.😢😢

[@wizardofaus2985]

Yes. Then you come back together and the ignorance starts all over again. So no hugs, kisses, intimacy... nothing. Nil. Nada. As soon as you protest you're accused of being venomous or angry of treating them as a whipping post. You can never win.

[@Morbass664]

9 months ago the DA broke it off. I’ve done the work and learned how this works. We’ve lately been in each other’s ecosystems, church and music groups. I can’t “mind read” but these videos have helped tremendously on understanding her fear vs feelings triggers.. Ty Bryan

[@johnnelson7192]

Its good to know this material. Its good to know what they go through. But it doesnt do anything if they arent willing.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

So glad they are helping you :)

[@Morbass664]

To add context: My beautiful wife Lynn passed away 5/28/21… I’ve not known the dating world in almost 28 years. “The journey (often painful) provides wisdoms and knowledge for which I’m the beneficiary”. Stay focused and learn

[@marcd2743]

This will only prolong your torture, you've become one of her orbiters now. She has many others. Leave her "ecosystems" and build yourself back up as a man.

[@sarah-xr8fs]

Haha yeah, Ive been required to become a mind reader too. She is now with somebody who supposedly is… hmm lets see

[@RitaP41]

Empathize Seen Understood Acknowledged Accepted

[@dominiquem14]

as a DA, i think this is why my long distance relationship lasted as long as it did. i even remember catching myself saying to someone “i got lucky” when referring to my relationship because i didn’t have to worry about giving up too much of my time and independence. but over time i grew bored with the relationship, actually, due to it being long distance. things felt stagnant.

[@clearriver87]

This is what Im afraid of and just told my DA LDR BF that exact thing today..

[@gorantomas]

That’s the thing with avoidants (and in general) - what they think they want ie. space from the other person, when they get it, it’s not it… Because the issue is never with the other person. It’s with them and their fears (in case of avoidants, of closeness and intimacy). They don’t need space per se, they need to manage their fears (and taking space is the only means of doing that, that they know - until they learn other ways).

[@cupra2008uk]

I'm in a long distance relationship my girlfriend lives in Germany and me in England...See her 8 days per month.. Been a year...I get on very well with her...I do realise she's an avoidant and she realises her issues...She says I'm perfect because I don't judge her...I don't argue and I'm softly spoken to her...Also she says I'm the best lover she's ever had which helps. 😂

[@GGGG1040]

I’m done! I can’t take this pain anymore… it’s so damn hard to deal with this type of people. I consider myself very independent and I do respect his time, but enough is enough. I need someone that is willing to have a beautiful relationship with me.

[@melindanaumovic8124]

​@@gorantomas yesssss absolutely.

[@stolensilver6963]

I am very much DA and this video was great. My ideal relationship would be a partner living in the next street and us meeting up a few times a week. I can’t take any more closeness than this. I fully appreciate no-one wants to have this kind of relationship so I am alone, I am happy with my own company. I didn’t ask to be like this, I can’t change how I was raised or how I feel. At least I understand it all now and am at peace with myself.

[@brennam954]

Get some therapy. Stop making excuses and saying "this is how I am, woe is me, I can't change this". Y'all are mini-narcs.

[@ijustneedmyself]

You know what? There are people out there who wouldn't mind this level of connection. I for one would've been happy to see the person I was seeing that much. I'm (likely) an FA though so it makes sense. I just couldn't handle the disappearing act. If he said, "Hey, I need space/a couple days," I would've gladly given that to him, but he would just leave me hanging.

[@KNuzX]

As they always say "Distance makes the heart grow fonder." Balance in everything I say, good video thanks for sharing.

[@reginageorge72]

I'm in a relationship with a DA. It's horrible. Especially because I love him so much. I have now taken a job working away from home (we live together) 3 nights a week. It's better. I still struggle though. I want to reach out and message. He always responds. But then gets upset sometimes. I'm trying to not talk to him for 24-48 hrs at a time. It's challenging. I never make it past 24hrs bc then he messages me. It feels unfair. That I can only have contact when he can handle it

[@colscary]

My DA ex is my collegue....

[@hshfyugaewfjkKS]

PDS team I would love it if you could do a video if you haven't already on what are healthy and reasonable expectations in a secure relationship. I'm an FA who was moving towards secure but dating my DA pulled out my AP side and now that we are no longer together I find myself being extremely avoidant of dating altogether. 😐

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

We have some videos on how a Secure person reacts when their partner is deactivating. Here is the Secure videos playlist and you might want to scroll through the ones you think would apply. kzbin.info/www/bejne/e6i3c5R6hq2NhLM Inside the Personal Development school we have a course in the school called "How a Securely Attached Person Shows Up in Each of the 6 Stages of a Relationship" which goes into great detail of Secure behavior in each of the relationship stages. We also have a course entitled "The Secure Attachment & Other Attachment Styles Relationship". This goes through how a Secure and an FA/DA/AP are in a relationship and covers: Needs, Patterns, Love Languages and Reprogramming Tools and Strategies. Lastly we have a course entitled "The Key Pillars Necessary to Create a Secure Relationship" also available in the school. Here's a 14 day free trial, where you could probably finish all 3 courses during the trial, but hope you stay longer!! university.personaldevelopmentschool.com/pages/14day-free-trial

[@roshalllambert]

I loved the explanation of childhood events that can lead to this!

[@VenusVanessa06]

Absolutely incredible breakdown of DA’s ❤ I truly enjoyed this, very insightful and well researched. I also truly appreciate how you make it clear that although DA’s are an insecure attachment style, it is mainly due to their childhood and when those needs are met, they truly start to show you the beautiful, caring and absolutely loyal person that they are underneath that insecurity. I’ve had the privilege of having gone through the hot and cold’s with the one I love and I’ve always said that, he just needed time and space. Now he’s not perfect but he is so much more than what he used to be and I now understand how my actions helped to bring out the most supportive, caring and affectionate marshmallow he truly is inside. 😊

[@zamadepuib3254]

How? Please tell me.

[@Dee010s]

This video really resonated a lot. Thank you, PDS.

[@bitofwizdomb7266]

My wife is classic DA . I was AP but fully secure now . I have a little advantage bc my background is in clinical psych (ms) and been studying Buddhist philosophy for the better of 20 yrs 😉

[@TiffanyNicholeCatley]

That's impressive! I'm FA and typically lean more anxious. I did lean quite avoidant with an anxious partner. Now married to a DA. I leaned more anxious at the top of the relationship, but through therapy together and me individually, we both lean more secure. 🙏🏾

[@bitofwizdomb7266]

@@TiffanyNicholeCatley nice ! Happy to hear . Just stay keenly aware of the interplay of cause and effect in your words and behaviors (and also thoughts ) 😉 keep moving forward !

[@ombra711]

Congratulations on finding security, from one monkey avatar DA to another!🙊

[@Spoodlie]

Has yourself becoming secure helped your wife to move closer towards a more secure attachment?

[@bitofwizdomb7266]

@@Spoodlie little by little . She’s still a bit resistant .

[@springpoarch1455]

It's kinda ironic that what a da needs to be able to process and fall in love terrifies me to experience as an fa. I need more reassurance I think. I'm so tired of having so many fears😢

[@repentjesusiscomingsoon1529]

JESUS HEALS, SAVES AND DELIVERS!!!!

[@OnjelieMarie]

Just talked to my ex last night for an hour because I needed positive Closure. He’s a DA and he told me he is used to being alone, that’s his comfort zone. This video makes so much sense .

[@heaty007]

I am not leaving my DA. I will work through it

[@amarachistreams2983]

How long have u been together?

[@user-tz1hl3pf2w]

@heaty007 any tips please?

[@karolinalaos8941]

@@user-tz1hl3pf2w thank you for THAT! I'm an DA woman and don't want anyone but my "DramaQueen" an FA man! 🎱AMEN

[@Ken-od7gc]

You don't need to leave. They'll just toss you aside when they're done with you

[@nicholastracy4915]

RESPECT bro

[@gebronthomasson6960]

Your content has been a blessing..I only wish I had found it months ago ..I only found it and others a week after the breakup(her a DA and me the AP)and it came down to boundaries and obviously communication..But I have gotten better at understanding myself and her and “Us”(if there is another chance at that)..thank you again

[@J_O_N_E_L_L_]

Were you both married?

[@PB-md3nt]

The DA I dealt with would do nothing but blame me for every single thing that went wrong. When I tried to express how I felt about things she did that hurt me, she would say I was either shift blaming or I wasn't accepting accountability for my actions. Meanwhile I had apologized thousands of times for the same things over and over I did many months prior. Her greatest hits were giving the silent treatment for days/weeks, or breaking up with me every other week. When I finally had enough and said talk to me again if you want to get back together, and went NC she contacts me a few times over the next four months. Then had the audacity to say that I "abandoned" her. I've come to the conclusion that you need to avoid the avoidants, until the avoidant is able to get much needed therapy from childhood traumas.

[@terris7842]

My DA didn’t give me a chance to say I understood and let him step away. He just bolted. No communication.

[@joseuribe430]

How hell naw. My ex is an avoidant and it seemed that I had to lose myself to make her happy. We never had closeness and she constantly lied to me. I kick her butt out! I tried for two years and I was always on the back burner. Never compromise your beliefs for anyone

[@Fioravanti.80]

There is a fine line between a Dismissive Avoidant and a Covert Narcissist. I fell for the latter. Perhaps a video carefully distinguishing these two would help people be better informed. A DA has hope of recovery, or for the relationship to be more healthy, whilst a Narcissist does not and there is huge risk of being insidiously damaged by narcissistic abuse.

[@spikygreen]

I'd say a DA and a covert narcissist are quite different. Pretty much the only thing they have in common is their focus on themselves and their needs and putting themselves ahead of other people. But a DA won't be constantly competing or gaslighting, and a DA can have reasonable discussions about what's fair and make reasonable efforts to meet your needs (not necessarily out of their own initiative but at least when you ask). I'd say DAs are closer to neglectful narcissists. But still, the main difference is that DAs are generally rational and can hear and understand your point of view. If that doesn't even sound like a possibility, then it's probably a narcissist.

[@Predictable1]

I also feel the line between covert narc and DA is too thin, almost indistinguishable sometimes. I struggled with my ex trying to figure out if he was one or the other, or perhaps both. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter. If open communication, vulnerability, and compromises feel impossible, then it's time to let go.

[@Fioravanti.80]

@@spikygreen I think differently, as during the initial idealisation phase, the CN would also be open to feedback, and apologise, but the motivation behind it is different...

[@Fioravanti.80]

@@Predictable1 Spot on. 👍 As soon as distancing/devaluation/discard is sensed, however painful, cut them off, and move on. There is no point trying to change or fix someone, if they are blind/unable to do the hard work themselves.

[@sharadnakarja821]

@@spikygreenreally well explained. Clears my mind. Thanks

[@thegardinerfamilycreative1156]

Thank you so much, this was so helpful!🥰💕

[@jfaustin1742]

this channel understands DA on an unparalleled level.

[@user-ov8mk1ii1r]

I was a DA, not from childhood trauma but from a terrible marriage that tore my sense of self apart, soon as someone triggered feelings in me, I'd run to my cave to hide. I've worked on that and suspect I'm now anxious attachment but i do my best not to let it control me. Been split from my man 'in no contact' for 6wks now because he is a DA and spat his dummy out yet again. Its happened a lot over the past 5 years and he sits waiting for me to fix it whilst he ghosts me.... 72 days was his longest and would tell me how he wanted to come bk but was worried I'd reject him.... Tough.... I've had enough... I'm a human with wants and needs too.... I've worked hard on myself and I'm sick of always having to pander to him and his needs. I'm not a Stepford Wife. I'm out..... I'd rather be alone 😊😊😊

[@LadyWicked36]

Interestingly my long distance DA partner is the one who introduced me to attachment style theory 2 1/2 years ago. At the time I was a 50 yr old newly divorced AP trying to date. He said he was securely attached but as our relationship deepened we each really struggled with our respective attachment styles. I recently mentioned to him that we were experiencing a typical DA-AP dynamic, and he was shocked that I thought he was DA 😁 while he is very self aware and knowledgeable about such things, I think it’s more challenging for him to act securely with me because we are so aligned in many areas and it doesn’t feel safe. All this to say that all DA content the PDS produces resonates very deeply. Thank you for the precious insight 💜

[@urdhvishah3452]

Sorry I’m new here. What is AP?

[@chereecarter1782]

Anxious-Preoccupied (attachment)@@urdhvishah3452

[@LadyWicked36]

@@urdhvishah3452 AP means anxious preoccupied, another attachment style 😁

[@urdhvishah3452]

Thank you@@LadyWicked36

[@bdwangerin]

Knowing patterns and how fears show up is great progress. Just remember, we are all healing and learning to parent our inner child. Healing from the subconscious base that was formed our first years and reinforced by choices and going through familiar patterns in cycles. Even healing towards secure, the subconscious has so many negative experiences and negative validations it is biased towards. Patience, hearing the DA, and definitely avoiding absolutes or accusations towards DA's, especially when heated. I'm getting better about pausing vs. defending and being able to come back to address my feelings and work to understand my partner's anxious avoidance attachments that led her to feel a certain way. It's actually finally started allowing her the space to find strength to cut ties with toxic narcissist baby daddy, likely a DA himself. To feel safe expressing her emotions or where they come from if it's a reaction to prior patterns I may start to align with sometimes. It's very difficult to measure growth, and it's not always linear or in the right direction. Thinking we've grown completely out of it is not always productive if there's still more things, fears, and limiting beliefs for us to find and heal from. It's better to try to always be improving or working to be our best selves. Wish you the best!

[@redsky8763]

Seems to me it's all about luck. If you were born from 2 mature loving parents you will be raised far better than if you were born into an unloving immature parenting environment and/or perhaps even a broken home. Most DA's are probably from the latter group. It's impossible to know love or how to love when you received little or no real love in your early years.

[@MeAnINFP]

Do you think it can be taught later on?

[@redsky8763]

Life is not a school. The early years 0-12 are probably the most crucial for humans in their development. Love cannot be taught. @@MeAnINFP

[@walkertranger5746]

Facts! It is all about The family you are born in. And no , it can’t be taught. Dismissive avoidants typically do not change.

[@stevensantora2976]

Thank you so much.

[@pegbuckner5074]

Thank you!! Thank you so much! ❤

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

You're very welcome! ❤

[@gertrudelisehahn2996]

Thank you! Really good video. For the past 28 years, I have been in a relationship w/ avoidant, and it was always push/pull, he worked many hours, I supported and emphatised (and did some people pleasing too). He always looked for validation outside of our relationship. I am now burnt out and bitter. He is still expecting me to carry the emotional side of our relationship. Yes, we´ve been in therapy for 15 years...

[@Solaris501]

I’m a DA. My girl finally ended it after I broke her heart too many times. You have to break up with them so they realize they are a DA and go to therapy. My goal is to never be a DA again or just be aware of the DA devil on my shoulder and reject it.

[@repentjesusiscomingsoon1529]

I'm glad you've realized this and hopefully getting therapy! God bless you.

[@fiction589]

I am not a DA fan at all. My dad is one. There is always a wall where you hit your nose on. He lies "to protect me". He holds me at arms length "because I should not worry about him" etc . He has little interest in talking about feelings or deep stuff. Basically superficial chitchat and little interest in my inner world, my plans etc We see each other every 6 to 8 weeks for 2 hours. He reestablished contact with his brother after 30 years. These old folks were really surprised about my existance, lol. Nah really, I have zero tolerance for another DA in my life 🤣 it is a dread and a pain in the 🍑 if you ask me.

[@nfoster962]

Love this video and the content I am currently in therapy looking to work through these things. Are there any books I can read to study more on this?

[@sharongralewski2429]

How in the hell can you have a conversation with a avoidant partner who never wants to talk about any of their emotions or feelings or their needs and they could care less about yours soon as you bring up conversation that has anything to do with emotions at with emotions they take off and run

[@Karll541]

I don’t think you can

[@repentjesusiscomingsoon1529]

@sharongralewski2429 THIS IS RIGHT ON TARGET, ABSOLUTELY TRUTH!!!

[@missfatcat]

Thank you!

[@JV4740]

There is nothing you can do. 1st They need to acknowledge their own flaws and be motivated to change them. 2nd They need to seek the knowledge to fix themselves. 3rd They need to want to do the work - then actually do the work. The only thing you can do is recognize this type and refuse to get in a relationship with them. Avoid the avoider at all costs.

[@tanyasharadamba1264]

Fascinating.

[@morvenmacleod9559]

Very helpful video. Thank you ❤❤❤

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

You're welcome!

[@sugar4973]

I have done all of these things to try and grow closer. Almost two years of dating with only one breakup that only lasted for 2.5 months. I have been doing the work within myself to become more secure and, instead of being AP, I have shifted to FA leaning more secure. Ironically, the only way to have him contact me in a timely manner is because I’m now leaning slightly dismissive towards him. He stills sees his ex and I have no idea how much they talk but I feel it’s in secrecy. The excuse is that they share a cat together. He and I live about an hour and a half away from each other. His ex is 20mins down the road. I have asked to meet her to help us all feel more comfortable but he has yet to initiate any kind of solution. Also, he still has a pic of his ex in his nightstand with a card telling him how much she loved him. They dated for a year. I’m so confused as to what I need to do and am taking time out to hear God’s voice. He’s an amazing guy but communication has dwindled. I would appreciate any advice as I’m contemplating leaving the person that I love. I have watched every single video on this topic and I’m praying that we are strong enough to overcome. Praying that you (Thais or whoever) will respond. What is the healthiest thing for me to do? I should also mention that I’m nearly 53 and he just turned 60. Adults shouldn’t be having to play out these mind games. I just want to know that I gave my best to someone after not dating for so long in order for me to feel that I’ve done all I can do to be honest and straightforward in the most patient and loving way. This channel has helped to keep my sanity. Thanks for all you do, Thais❤

[@Varmiesaylors-br6vo]

Yeah, start telling them about your knees and see how long they stick around. It’s just not something they can accept because to them it starts feeling like control, they’re too afraid as well as self-centered to understand that the relationship could be better by communicating each other’s needs. Ain’t gonna happen..

[@jaka749]

ok. and what's the point in the end? people, run away from the avoidants, and save many precious years of your lives

[@greenshield1]

Battling to get secure from a fearful or dismissive avoidant attachment style. Your videos helped identify that I'm at least one of the two. I Hate it.

[@learnitnow6265]

It's been almost a year and half since he pulled away. I suspect he's DA but I'm not sure. All I know is he left the one person that was understanding and extremely patient and trying to stick with him. He didn't care and I've suffered tremendously. He ignores me completely and I've never done anything to cause that. I've tried but because there's no communication there's nothing i can do. He doesn't want me in his life and I need to think about my own well being and happiness.

[@forthejourney4053]

Yes you do need to care about your own well-being

[@andreatorluemke4982]

Thank you darling Thais for breaking down the how. (Of the needs discussion for those of us this was never modeled for. Both/and me and you. And now to communicate about this and normalize it. ). Brilliant! Love you! Hugs and love! Wow. I really hope we can meet and collaborate one day. Blessings always! The answer so many of us have been seeking in lvoe!

[@ronancarrillo2235]

I refer to myself now as a Recovering DA. Only after watching my marriage fail, and I struggled to keep it together, which lead me down this path of researching, did I learn about attachment theories, love languages, and other Personality disorders. In all my failed relationships, who was the common denominator? Me! Not to say that my Ex partners did not have their contributions. This explains why we were drawn to each other. Unfortunately, I see that I'm in a relationship with a Disorganized Avoidant. I see a lot of who I uses to be in her, and how my Exs must have felt. Now my new partner and I are in that stage in the relationship where the push - pull is happening, the disconnect and the flaw-finding.

[@dustydreamsstudios]

Thanks

[@JacobCarlson-uq1my]

All of this is compelling to me. I do have an intrest in trying to get a good grasp & understanding of psychology &the subconscious mind. I think compassion is a good thing and having a strong understanding and knowledge of all this is important.

[@JacobCarlson-uq1my]

@@mjey1 I agree,compassion.

[@mjey1]

I think when people stay in bad relationships, they are simply playing out their wound. Logically, why would anyone choose to put up with pain? Relationships are simply mirrors. It's kind of weird how humans are. lol @@JacobCarlson-uq1my

[@JacobCarlson-uq1my]

Isn't knowing as well as feeling good?

[@mjey1]

knowing information is powerful, but intellectualizing a bad relationship makes you feel "smart" and detached, but you are still experiencing the pain, I think. It's like people who deal with a "crazy " partner and they feel like they are good because they are there for them and the "sane" one, but they are equally self neglecting. your question is too vague. depends on what u are really asking @@JacobCarlson-uq1my

[@JacobCarlson-uq1my]

I absolutely would choose to honor and respect where people are at in their life journey. It's not about me.

[@calistew2766]

I’d like to hear about (or be pointed to an existing video) about a DAs seemingly lack of interest in daily life and convos. I assume the lack of sharing is a way to keep space but I’m not sure how to build more emotional intelligence with this challenge. I lean FA and him DA with some secure mixed in as well. He says he communicates the important stuff and has made some attempts for small talk but still doesn’t ask me a lot of questions or follow ups. We are nearly 2 years in and everything else is really good but this feels lacking and needed for a long term (life) partner.

[@ronmexico8383]

Why do you need him to ask follow up questions? If he's listening, he's listening. Now if he doesn't want to listen then that would be bad. He is a man not a woman. Most men don't ask follow up questions when talking to other men, it's not really how we communicate.

[@calistew2766]

Thank you, that’s a really good point and something I’m working on myself, sharing without being promoted. I have a belief running that someone isn’t interested if they aren’t asking. I know it’s not true but still an unconscious belief and it looks for things or lack of things in my experience to validate. I also grew up with a very emotional and vocal and involved father, lots of q and a and sharing and have attracted men until this one that were similar. All that to say I don’t want him to be like them but I do sense a lack of interest and curiosity, for example he rarely asks about my kids, work, friends, etc and expects me to tell him what I want and for me to have the same expectation of him. I’m looking for a middle ground and Thais and PDS have helped me understand attachment style and feel a video addressing this would help me grow even more.

[@hshfyugaewfjkKS]

​@@ronmexico8383that's nonsense. An attuned, secure, caring man will....

[@ronmexico8383]

@@hshfyugaewfjkKS Oh look, a female telling males how males think. Let me let you in on some information. 90% of men aren't going to ask questions, and 90% of the time they still like you. We are men, we think if you have information to share you'll share it. Men don't ask other men to share information or follow up questions, if a man asked us to share info we'd think he's a weirdo and discuss with other men how that dude is weird. That conversation would go like this Guy A: "That dude over there is pretty weird" Guy B: "Yeah, he's definitely different" Guy A: "Yep, I have nothing against him but it gets weird when you talk to him." Guy B: "Yep, he's socially awkward." Then on to the next topic There is no follow up question of why we thought something. And we think men that have conversations like that are weird. We do not think women who converse like that are weird, but men, yes.

[@r_and_a]

as a fellow fa who has struggled with similar things in my relationship with a da i know thais *has* repeatedly addressed this sort of thing but think i mostly remember them from the webinars i binged on during my pds trial vs any of particular youtube videos 🤔 one thing i remember her talking about (which i was honestly sort of shocked when my beloved da confirmed was true for them) was how it literally often didn't even occur to many das she'd worked with that their partners would be interested in small talk about their daily life 💔 despite my initial surprise in my situation, it makes perfect sense to me when consider da tends to be reaction to emotional neglect so can see how that could lead to internalizing it's unimportant as well as just not having such back & forth modeled for them my beloved da actually recently shared that they'd never known someone as open as me or who felt like they really tried to understand them & they were starting to realize they think they got into some unhelpful habits because of that 💖 though had heard thais talk about how das can sometimes become more comfortable with their own emotions almost through exposure therapy when in relationships with fas was such a pleasant surprise & have seen them try more however, i think part of the reason we got to this point is because i was able to come to peace with the differences between us - thais has said a few times something along the lines of you won't get love poems from a da, but they'll ensure you always have your favorite ice cream 😉 her explanation for that was the "love languages" for a da tend to be "acts of service" & "gifts" partly as it isn't as emotionally vulnerable which i have to remind myself at times is a deeply programmed subconscious thing that might not *fundamentally* change even if there's more effort it has really helped me to try understanding where they're coming from & recognize ways they *do* express interest, even if it's not how i'm used to or would even prefer otherwise 😊 especially considering their hyper-independent background & more restrained emotional bandwith totally empathize with how tricky & triggering relationships with das can be, especially for us fas for so many reasons & sorry don't have a specific video to direct you to but hope some of that helps at least somewhat 😇

[@melishek0001]

Love how unjudgmental you are. So many KZbinrs miss the importance of this.

[@grabbelton]

" he wants to miss me" very annoying, but I've been on his side.... Weird to be on the other side... normally i am the DA and in his relationship my FA side is triggered big time!!! So far so we seem to grow to each other, we recognized we became toxic and took some distance, only 9 days i so much im pain but he mirrored me...i saw that...we were on the same page...and we slowly learn to trust that we are safe with each other.... painful, Weird and beautiful experience so far.. . learned s lot about myself.... solved a couple of my trauma's , just because he feels so safe...its clear that we are growing together getting more comfortable with eachother, in the beginning he hang up the phone if he got a bit anxious, now we talk about it and he stays.... that's progress. He is so smart and insightful and is courages, just as i am ..i a painfully blessed 😁💞

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Have you experienced this before? Or with someone you were dating?

[@stilpon5378]

Hello, I don't know if it's this but I broke up with my DA (after 7 months together) before leaving on an internship abroad for 3 months because "he didn't have feelings". We more or less kept in touch via messages before meeting up again "by chance" at our shared vacation spot. He changed completely: affectionate gestures in public (hugs, kisses), caring, tender, pampering... I'm back abroad now. We keep talking by messages, and he answers me immediately, or almost. I think it's still hard for him to open up, but I'm prepared to wait a little longer if things continue in this direction...

[@Vincent_N89]

My DA ex of 10 years has broke me as a person. She's left a permanent scar that won't be healed, and I feel like I've wasted my prime years (throughout my 20s-30s), being in a relationship with a broken woman like her. I gave everything to the relationship and felt like I was essentially her free therapist for all those years...Years wasted on someone who wasn't emotionally mature or available. My situation now is, she got in touch after 4 months NC to offer friendship, even though she's said she has "fallen in love" with someone else (feels like she's just avoiding the pain of our breakup) in this time away... which hurts, because I took over a year before we truly fell in love. I also believe she misses the unique connection she and I had (we spoke on the phone for 2 hours, and she still wants me in her life), as I know we established an irreplaceable connection over the 10 years. I'm hurting that she could do this to me, but I don't know whether or not to stay in her life, in the hopes her relationship doesn't work out, as I still love her deep down. The other side of me says it's completely over, and she's moved on since she maintains that we won't ever get back together... Although a part of me thinks she misses me, us, and our intimate times together. Should I stay as friends?

[@mshiferaw]

Hi please talk on fault-finding the da does to keep a distance.

[@Shdowstorm]

So do what I have thought would work for me since I have a unique way of learning.

[@RaySmithWeb]

It is really amazing to hear you share the truth about what so many of us have encountered in relationships, not knowing what we didn't know, and we've twisted and turned to try and understand what we were dealing with. Our big obstacle is "is this person ready to take off the gauze after so many years and finally start working toward normalcy?" It's so much easier for DAs to simply walk away and die with their wounds. #FirstHandExperience

[@MD-gk2un]

This sounds EXHAUSTING....

[@repentjesusiscomingsoon1529]

It IS heartbreaking! Exhausting! Soul-destroying! Especially when you just adore them! But then you just cannot take it anymore!! NEVER AGAIN!!!

[@paatucassettebylakshmi3515]

Hey nice one.. i am leaning towards a secure attachment style. I usee to be Anxious but i have worked years on it and i am doing okay now. I am dating. DA and all these patterns you are talking about is vivid. Its just that , he is an absolute gem of a person but doesnt want to work on this .. Can yiu make a video on how to make tnem see this and take initiative ?

[@JoaoPaulo-ez3wk]

Wow. I’m living this with my girlfriend

[@Sjess25]

Has anyone ever had a successful conversation about "needs" with a DA? :D :D :D Don't they all just run the f. away the very moment you mention you want something? (In a normal convo, not in a fight-type situation)

[@GadgetsGearCoffee]

Pretty sure my ex was DA, for the most part. They were aware they was hyper independent and my understanding of their dating history is they felt safe with people who in the end were more DA than them... And it also wouldn't work out because their partner wouldn't put work in when it wasn't going somewhere.. Go figure.

[@valess]

I agree. The Da I know where in a relationships during 7 years with another da. Seems like it was absolutly perfect for him. No deep conversations, no drama/conflit, a lot of space (they were students and in ldr). Buuut... She left him without any advance warning. Nothing. One week before she was still writing loving notes. He tried everything but absolutly zero response. 3 years later, still grieving ("it's the love of my life blabla...") he tries to get closure. They meet up again and when he asks "why did you leave ?" she answers..... "I don't know" ! Classic da... haha... Even more classic da, after that, she was sending cute text and then disapearing for weeks, then, coming back again, and... disapearing again ! A big fucking da mess. Well. I"ve tried to explain to him that it wasn't a healthy / normal relationships but he's really stubborn, for him it was perfection. So perfect that she endend up leaving him without any warnings, mmmkay.

[@GadgetsGearCoffee]

@@valess oh ya, they also had a LDR at some point and I'm thinking well obviously that would be perfect for them. They're not much of a texter + LDR.. like what is that even in terms of a relationship. ooof honestly just no D.A.s for me anymore, I'm sure some are lovely working on themselves but it's just not easy and life is already not easy as is so.

[@lgfish5337]

Well .. there's things besides texting, no? But also .. based on thais's attachmrnt theory wouldnt your friends ex be more fa than da , with all of the push and pull

[@dclarke2179]

@@lgfish5337 Ex is definitely FA. I guess it's habit to throw anything they feel is negative on the DA label.

[@dmitryisaev5955]

My experience of dating my DA ex. I just wonder how DAs manage to marry at all, if they are working hard to sabotage, to put in “on hold”, to drive the relationship into a corner?

[@pmdal]

You must emulate her father

[@0Demiyah0]

I think when DA's do get married they often marry either during the Honeymoon phase or during the Commitment phase. According to PDS there are 6 phases 1. Dating 2. Honeymoon 3. Powerstruggle 4. Stability 5. Commitment 6. Bliss Also have to say that emulating the dysfunctional parent dynamic they had in childhood sounds like abusive advice 😑

[@marcd2743]

@@0Demiyah0 Yeah the emulating her father thing is mental on a lot of levels.

[@flagirl0315]

They do but many don’t work out. I’ve dated some with failed marriages lol. And trust me we had the same issues they did with their ex wife. Or they end up with someone codependent who stuffs down their needs and loses themselves to accommodate the DA. My parents were in this dynamic before divorcing years ago. Highly do not recommend lol

[@dmitryisaev5955]

@@0Demiyah0 100%. She has been out of contact to her father most of her life, her parents divorced, mother hated her ex husband and I guess projected this hatred on her. She told me that her mother did not hug her. I met her mother a few times. She is probably kind of narcissistic personality. I cannot emulate her father, because of what he did. I met him too a few times. I am not very fond of his life philosophy. He is now in his third marriage… Now month 4 no contact. Healing, learning attachment styles, learning how to earn more, working on my boundaries . Getting confident and secure, working on AP typical triggers like exclusion. Thanks for your input.

[@JoaoPaulo-ez3wk]

Its so challenging and frustrating

[@TuesdaysTarot]

4:00. 4:40 5:14 6:13 6:40 7:00

[@brownbread622]

What's confusing to me is that my bf is cool with us being together all the time, but as soon as we go spent separate time in our respective homes, he becomes sooooooo distant (hates texting/no calls/doesn't feel the need to explain himself). I'm not sure if he's just bad with keeping in touch or if he's an Avoidant 😢

[@nymeria5013]

Definitely DA. Communicate find a balance.

[@Olivetree80]

​@@nymeria5013or FA

[@kristianjensen5877]

Maybe he just expects that the nature of the agreement is actually what you agreed upon - That you are okay spending time away from eachother.

[@erinlarge5649]

Is there a podcast for how to determine if the man you were dating for 5 months suddenly ends it with no warning,but throughout the relationship has had periods where he would completely pull away and go silent.

[@HandmadeItalianLeather]

Does this mean I can’t send mean texts through burner numbers?

[@geog2031]

I said to my dismissive avoidant goodbye for ever. I didn’t want to be one of his “friends” where they text him just so they can have a shot of sleeping with him. When we were together saying my goodbyes he was always changing the topic, as if he didn’t want me to say it. Nevertheless, he had sent me a Happy Easter message, but I never replied. I deleted his message and his contact right away.

[@recklessmermaid]

I’m an FA dating a DA; honestly I don’t know why I keep watching these videos because there is no way I’m having any of these conversations. It’s damn near impossible for me have these conversations with someone who’s comfortable and open to it. Imagine facing what’s basically your worst fear, holding your own space within the relationship, only to have the DA completely shut down. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to date an AP but I don’t like feeling pressured and smothered… that’s why any AP individual I go on a date with doesn’t evolve past that; it’s just too much.

[@namelessbrat7197]

That's the thing. By being with a DA, you ensured you don't have to confront your fears and weaknesses. I also find it interesting that you didn't wonder how it would be like dating a secure person.

[@MadMakerWorkshop]

@@namelessbrat7197 we dont believe a secure person would ever want/put up with us. That's the thing with FA...

[@recklessmermaid]

@@namelessbrat7197 those are good points. When I think about dating secure it feels like a power imbalance. It’s probably linked to my trauma because I think it’s partly not wanting to be the broken one in the relationship, or feeling like I don’t deserve to date someone who’s secure; I have to find another wounded duck like me to we can struggle along together. I’m actually pretty sure that my only relationship was with a secure leaning DA…we were married for 10 years. What needed up happening is I assumed that all the problems in the relationship were my fault because I’m the one with mental health problems and a bad family, and I never asked him to take responsibility and gaslit myself constantly. By the end I felt literally cray and he would minimize my concerns and feelings because that’s what I taught him to do.

[@blakephotographytexas]

@@namelessbrat7197I’d be curious whether some DA’s can even tell the difference between AP and secure. Even secure people would require them to confront their weaknesses.

[@asmaarafferty5032]

Can you give us the name of the book by Dr Susan Johnson please that is related to the Dismissive Avoidants person

[@michaelaozuka5179]

Will/can they ever change? What can i do???

[@user-wk6hj5fj2j]

From my experience I saw .y ex better then anyone and that made him feel uncomfortable because of his shame

[@HealingHappyAli]

How does marriage work with a DA; daily life? A healing FA with a need for stability?

[@johnnelson7192]

It doesnt. You need to know what you will and wont tolerate. Set boundaries and if they dont grow up and meet your needs. Its time to walk away. When we stay with a DA we end up just like them in that we are to comfortable for change.

[@ritapeters1330]

Oh ,yes, indeed, a very fine line, I first thought he was a covert, but then felt his love, yes, a DA he is, very fine line between those,, but I find still mixed with covert, but I have hope LOL traumabonded I guess, but I am strong, greetings from Germany, he is from Slovenia

[@lilliankillian7366]

I was with my DA for 4and half years he broke it up and i stoll care for him and tried so hatd to be caring anf gave spsce and showed him i appreciated him so how can i show him i am here for him still he wated to just be freinfs on the phone but i want a little more. Not evrry day but to continue our relationship as it wss. He is sixty nine years old .what can i do to get him to come back ty 😢😢