How to Apologize as a Fearful Avoidant: Moving Towards a Healthier Relationship

[@karrrot]

This is amazingly helpful thank you. I don't express my needs and then later explode cause they are not being met as if my partner should be a mind reader. But the problem is, I don't see myself as worthy of having my needs met therefore its extremely hard to express what they are (or even know what they are myself).

[@jordanlevitt1638]

"I want to acknowledge my behaviour from the other day and apologise, I wish I didn't react like that and I know volatility can be a really painful thing to experience in the relationship. I'm sorry for how my words or behaviours might have affected you and I intend on working through this by realising the root causes of my feelings and what led up to this so that we can correct it proactively at the root level and it's less likely to happen again." - acknowledgement of what happened "I can only imagine how you felt when I said/did ________. You felt _______ (eg. sad, alone, defeated, discounted, unloved, dismissed, afraid etc). I bet if I was in your position and I went through that when I was behaving that way, I would feel the way you did too." - validate their feelings "I felt ______ (eg. afraid, trapped etc) and what I really needed was ______." - explain yourself

[@user-mj1fu8fe3m]

Thank you!!

[@IronX77]

Intro ends at 3:46

[@tacticalkyuubi3814]

Tysm

[@thehapagirl92]

It would be nice if when I do explode after a wound is triggered someone would talk to me instead of immediately labeling me as “crazy” or “too difficult”. I get triggered easily and early on, but damn it I’m worth getting to know and I wish someone would just stick around for that instead of leaving. Also, then when someone does leave they usually ignore me, which further makes me believe that everything I say and do will result in being abandoned. I’m trying my hardest and even though I push people away with words, I don’t mean it. I actually do apologize, but they still would rather drop me instead of seeing my worth.

[@smonaful]

@@ShawnFin i agree and I'm sure Thais would too. That's why she encourages people who are in relationship with an fa to choose what is best for themselves which is something an fa should make a concious effort towards too. Dear fa...treat others how you want to be treated. That's where the truth rests.

[@desireebeltran5718]

Thais, thank you for this, as an FA I have much to learn about addressing conflict. I would love to see vids on “Pitfalls to Avoid when Apologizing to a _______” for each attachment style. Apologizing to a DA can feel like setting myself up and I’d love to learn how to apologize when the person is stonewalling and unwilling to show any kind of warmth. Thank you 🙏🏽

[@mindfulmeaningfulmoments247]

LOVE this so much!! Really appreciate you modeling strategies for effective communication! I also love it when you incorporate bits of your story. It gives me hope as an FA. You are my inspiration! I really needed to hear this message. 🥰

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Thanks for taking the time to share that Melissa. This will be shared with the whole team :) - PDS team member

[@anja7787]

How did the apology go?

[@jessicaibarra323]

Yes Thais I would love to see a video about what it is the FA is thinking when we push people away . Me and my BF are FA and we def both do this when we are hurt we get ugly and push the other one away. Sometimes I can hear myself doing it but can't stop 😔 this is working very much against me

[@user-mj1fu8fe3m]

Wow, this is so insanely on point. Thank you so much. Your teachings are so crucial for healing for FA!

[@chrishatcher9239]

We think you're fantastic now how about 1 on apologizing TO a fearful avoidant LOL

[@morehn]

be straight, blunt, diplomatic, and sensitive. Uncover and explore underlying emotions.

[@Thesecretsauce2048]

But what about when you are reacting in a healthy way and expressing your needs - but your partner is completing refusing to hear the need to be understood or listened to? Like the original argument is almost always about the other person putting in the effort to understand? And THEN I become volatile because it feels like I’m beating my head against a wall?

[@AustinRoberts88]

That's a good question, in my personal experience (I have no idea what your conversations are like or how things are approached) I've realized that I need to look at my own insecurities and why I'm having such a strong emotional reaction. I can't control the way other people act, but if I'm secure in who I am I'm going to be much less likely to be triggered if I'm not needing someone else to validate my feelings. As far as your partner, maybe ask them if it bothers them or makes them uncomfortable when you share your feelings and see if there's a way you can communicate where they're able to be more open? I used to put the blame on my partner for my feelings instead of realizing that an insecurity was being pinpointed and I didn't want to deal with it. For me learning to validate myself and love myself has completely changed my outlook. I hope that helps! I'm no therapist but that's what's worked for me!

[@karjar17]

John Roberts I really needed to read this today. Thanks for sharing☺️

[@95turbogirl1980]

I am struggling with this scenario also

[@phendranaa]

I was searching for this EXACT topic with no luck until I stumbled upon your channel. I'm FA trying to make sure my apology is a good one for the special person in my life. Thank you.

[@cedargeorge-parker7017]

Thanks for err thing you do , you are fr changing my life for the best 💯💯💯!

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

You are most certainly welcome! These types of comments are what keeps Thais and the PDS team motivated! - PDS team member

[@ryguy108]

I feel so hurt and shame for how i treated my ex. I'm a FA and she is a AP. I really really wish that I found out about this information before I met her. She was the love of my life and I would let my thoughts get the best of me. I'd often blame her for my irrational thinking and blow up on her. When I wasn't triggered and in a good space, we had such an incredible bond. She broke up with me 1.5 months ago and last week I sent her a big apology and she said she appreciated my apology and has to take it it in. It's been almost a week since I sent it and no word back. I can see from your other videos that I did this way too late and she has most likely hit that turning point.

[@DetoxGreen]

Did she ever get back to you?

[@SlackerWannaB]

Thank you for this video. This so explains my FA wife. FA wife has jumped on the Narcissist bandwagon and attributes all her crazy behavior and toxic abuse to me as my deserved retaliation to my covert narcissistic abuse. I’m now fighting against a villainous caricature of myself. I’m the 100% abuser and she claims 100% victim. Your attachment dysfunction info makes so much more sense than all of the venomous narcissism information that plagues the internet and Amazon and encourages FA women to push their “abusers” far away. Your teaching is so much more positive and life-changing.

[@codeN_8]

Thais, have you considered having a "join" option for KZbin. You offer so much. Some may want to give back but may be unable ti commit to a full course or membership. You are appreciated! Thank you!

[@mikefr12]

So helpful and insightful to reprogram limiting beliefs and how to manage the communication around a trigger. Took many notes. Thank you!

[@xRaverxBabyx]

Thank you so much for this video Thais. 🙏🏼 For me personally, this is one of the most valuable videos you’ve ever created. I hear you in your assertion that FAs don’t actually mean or believe some of their words when triggered. I’d love to know how to process my own feelings during and after the volatility, particularly when the words are personal, hurtful and triggering because they pertain to my deepest insecurities and core wounds? I took the PDS attachment quiz today and I’m currently 40% FA and 60% secure. I too, experience episodes of emotional volatility but while I do express feelings of hurt, anger, frustration, insecurity, etc., I (almost?) never say personal/hurtful things about my partner, so I can’t relate to that part of it. If this continues, I will choose to leave the relationship. However, I recently introduced my partner to your videos and he’s made a commitment to doing the work so I’d like to work on my side of things to give us a fair shot and as a continuation of my own healing. I’d be ever so grateful for any advice you can give in respect to this. 🙂

[@tulip5210]

Wow thank you! This is exactly needed to process, it’s like your reading minds.

[@tulip5210]

I hope your doing alright dr Thais!

[@findingphe5827]

So much gratitude for this school Thais & Team! Looking forward to the additional video on why FA's push away others. You really make us feel seen, heard and less ashamed. x

[@cybellea9452]

Legit everything you said is so accurate to me thank you for this video

[@lisa4cohen]

This is everything for me , I am so grateful ♥️

[@denisadiaconu95]

You're always so informative. Thank you for all the videos on FA's. 😊 They really help me understand myself. Thank you Thais!

[@babyruby61]

Thank you for giving us the language to be heard and seen. ❤️❤️❤️

[@Loveddeeply626]

Thais you are my answered prayer.You are God- sent and i thank-you so much for listening to your inner voice on starting this school.

[@jae4208]

Thank you Thais for helping me understand myself better on a deeper level. This really helps in so many ways.

[@Raphaelthedon]

Your videos help a lot wish I could have a one on one

[@thestayathomewife1318]

Me tooooo

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

we have PDS coaches available for one on one. Please email [e-mail] for more info

[@thestayathomewife1318]

@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool thank you! I cannot find a link to that, but i want to enroll in year program. How long are each weeks q&a with the group? Wondering if I'll be able to get all my concerns addressed thru b that avenue?

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

@@thestayathomewife1318 That's an email address I posted.... it became a link for some reason, but if you email [e-mail] you can get the info you requested. Each Q&A can be 1.5 hours and up to 3 hours. It's hard to get everyone's individual concerns addressed in the Q&A's but if you enrol in the courses you will have access to the members lounge which has a Live Discord chat among students, Aan "ask Thais" section where your question may be selected for answer on a Q&A. A very good percentage of questions Thais tries her best to address. A lot of questions are common things that many people struggle with so people are finding other people's questions super helpful for their own lives. There is also a section called "ask each other" where people share and support each other. You also get access to a resource library with e-books and worksheets. Also the courses are packed with tools and information that people are helping so many people on their healing journey. Students get a lot of value form enrolling :)

[@bernadettemeade7259]

Your videos are Brilliant, as a FA I swing between emotional extremes in relationships, only with men, not with friends or family. Are the 50 scripts included in your FA course bundle?

[@sadiqua7]

As the person pushed away how do I reengage? I’ve given him 2 weeks of silence and space and feel he may want to contact me but doesn’t know how. Or it may just be my wishful thinking. All coaches say no contact brings them back but this guy is avoidant AF. I tried telling him about attachments but it was after he deactivated. He wouldn’t even meet with me after walking away to clear the air. We had no traumatic incident or fight, he started coming closer and then ran and now seems to want to still stay in contact but won’t initiate. Only non emotional texts from me get answered. I’m mostly secure, but have a healthy dose of avoidant and anxious tendencies. Working on not letting either take over but have no idea how to renew gage with him at this point. He’s been orbiting my neighborhood, I think he’s trying to just bump into me ( he told me he was in my building 2 weeks ago and in my area the week prior)

[@MegaDreamOo]

You are changing lifes. ❤️

[@mer-ced-es]

We love you Thais ❤️💐

[@rebeccaegly6318]

Thank you !

[@michellereilly5730]

Where are the scripts? I can't find them in my membership or dashboard.

[@samanthajones4928]

I could do with some help

[@bellwetherone5739]

Any advise for me to get my FA/DA ex back who broke up with me and immediately went into a rebound....they recently broke up.....do I use no contact now after her rebound?? Thanks!

[@veronicacheboi5611]

amazing video!but what if you do this, but your partner still is not ready to accept or listen to you?

[@95turbogirl1980]

You have to meet them where they are and give them the time they need to be able to hear you. Trust me, that's been one of the hardest things for me in my relationship

[@tomasaldente2622]

Would you also do this during a break up?