The Dismissive Avoidant's 8 Major Core Wounds & Emotional Patterns

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The Dismissive Avoidant's 8 Major Core Wounds & Emotional Patterns
- Dismissive Avoidant's 8 Major Core Wounds
- The Dismissive Avoidant's Emotional Patterns
- Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Style
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Thank you for watching!

[@0Demiyah0]

Core wounds 1) I will be abandoned 2) I am (physically) unsafe Manifestation: physical unrest, constant alert, attachment to things and animals Feelings; Panic, fear, agitation, irritation 3) I am alone 4) I am defective Manifestation; hiding, withdrawing, escaping Feelings; sadness and shame 5) I am trapped/stuck/powerless Feelings; anxiety, frustration, fear, irritation 6) I am misunderstood Manifestation; indirect communication out of other programs to mitigate vulnerability Feelings; sadness, fear, disconnection, escape, protect 7) I am unseen and unheard 8) I am stupid; Manifestation; growing intellectual faculties Feeling; judgemental and critical of self

[@brettawesome]

I’m every one of these to varying degrees 😞

[@fay13morgana]

I am alone?

[@0Demiyah0]

@@fay13morgana thanks! Edited it : )

[@toscadonna]

And it’s all, “I, I, I, and Me, me, me.” They’re simply fatally selfish. They don’t care that anyone else gets hurt. They just care only for themselves.

[@0Demiyah0]

@@toscadonna if you're dealing with a narcissistic avoidant, I can imagine that. Narcissistic people genuinely don't care about how you feel, because if they're "bad" it threatens their thin ego reality. They are completely self-serving. But I don't agree with that as a general statement about DA... My experience with DA's is that they are gentle natured, have a strong sense of morality, and really care about the connections they've made. I see my DA guy as a generous, kind and loving person. He does care if I am hurt.

[@nottie256]

My DA displays his emotions through music. He’ll never say how he feels but he’ll send the perfect song. It’s anointing and feels like I’m in a relationship with bumble bee

[@kikujirofromkyoto]

Holly Shxxt. I do that all the time, I send songs to guys that I like hoping they'll understand how I feel by listening to the song. 😂 I'm pretty sure they don't as I'm pretty sure most don't even bother listening to the songs.

[@paniq_fnite]

haha same. Uh oh 😌

[@sokaiaulvehjerte6687]

Bumblebee😂😂😂

[@ladymuck2]

A bumblebee annointing you with honey

[@nikitawebster9272]

Thank you!! Someone who understands this!! ❤ I can never put things into words but songs say it!

[@TatiTalks]

Sending lots of love to all our DA friends out there. ❤️ Makes sense why FA’s and DA’s can fall so deeply in love/be so vulnerable *to* each other. They mirror/share a lot of the same wounds.

[@bakekay21]

💖

[@yasmem8]

💕

[@bazalbaz]

❤

[@gogohappygirl]

Oh, you are so right on this! FA leaning AA dating someone who is likely DA or FA leaning DA, and we get each other on so many levels.

[@Maria.74]

💝

[@Kjohnson518]

DA here and I just wanna say a lot of people think we’re toxic and honestly we CAN hurt the ones that love us without trying. Which kind of makes me Feel toxic! Anyways I found out I was a DA and I’ve been trying to set myself free since. It hasn’t worked out that way but I dream of loving someone the same as they love me but my subconscious just won’t let me. So ofc I’m very misunderstood. Luckily, I am an Open and Vulnerable DA because I know that one day this too shall pass! I’m open with anyone who thinks they want to get involved with me and I let them know in the beginning...”I can be very toxic, so if you decide to continue to fool with me you may get hurt but I Am working on it!”

[@riakohee]

Rags To Riches ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

[@krishnaanand7597]

@@PriyankaGupta-ew1li what’s wrong with you... this is a stranger? Who is opening up?

[@krishnaanand7597]

@@PriyankaGupta-ew1li if anything anxious people are the ones who are dependent on and use others

[@HawaiiSong]

@@krishnaanand7597 Clearly Priyanka has been hurt before by a DA.

[@K4113B4113]

Props to you for working on it. 10 months later, how'd it go?

[@no_i_dont_want_no_slugs]

It's ridiculous how much of a textbook case I am for this. Every single thing had me going "Ahh that's 100% me".

[@amygalles7261]

What's hard for me is, the seemingly obvious solutions for these wounds are the opposite of what I need. I felt unseen and people paying attention to me freaks me out. I was unsafe and I run towards unsafe situations i feel I can finally master. I am alone, leave me alone. I feel trapped, don't give me too many choices. I am misunderstood, stop asking me about myself.

[@BEAUTYxISxFOREVER]

This is really interesting because I often run across this with my DA partner when he’s in a lower state if that makes sense. Not all the time, but when I notice hes struggling (by withdrawing or being agitated) and I try to help in figure out his needs, he often shuts me out at first and prettt much runs thru that list you just mentioned. Over time and showing him it’s safe and okay to talk he then opens up. But that’s the initial reaction and I wonder why

[@no_i_dont_want_no_slugs]

As I self reflect, it's really fascinating how these core wounds can intertwine and form dangerous cycles/patterns. Take for example, procrastination. It's just a quick theory, but I feel like DAs may very easily become procrastinators (at least, that's how it is in my case). If you have the core wound that you're defective and have internal shame, that could manifest itself in certain negative beliefs about yourself. I was told when I was a kid that I was lazy, and I internalized this and felt shame (to a heightened degree) over being defective in this way. Thus, when I have laundry to do, I'm reminded of the internalized belief that I'm lazy and defective. Then, I subconsciously associate that task with the pain. To avoid that pain I procrastinate on the task and push it from my mind so I can protect myself from that emotion. This can become even more dangerous when the cycle of procrastination takes hold. The more you procrastinate, the more you loose faith/trust in yourself, which can make you feel trapped (bringing up that core wound of feeling trapped/stuck) and can lead to depressive thoughts and social isolation (and social isolation is an easy thing for a DA to do lol). I don't know if that makes sense, but it's something I've noticed in me and that I'm working on. Man... internalized shame is a hard thing to shake, and I'm not really sure how to. But when it comes to procrastination, I'm kinda trying to fake it till I make it by acknowledging the negative emotions I associate with certain tasks, working through them, and "faking" (or I should say "instilling") positive emotions to counteract the shame (like reminding myself how good I feel when I do/accomplish things, by telling myself I'm a great person who gets shit done, by reminding myself that I find intrinsic joy in these tasks (like singing while I fold laundry), etc.). So yeah, I'm not sure how to heal the other wounds, but I think the "I feel trapped/stuck/powerless" is the one I'm working on at the moment. I honestly don't know how to heal the "I am alone" one, because I have built up such positive associations with being alone to cope, and I'm not sure what I'd do if I removed them.

[@nl4941]

I can really related to everything you said (DA too)

[@rhokesh4391]

Well, doesn't that sound familiar^^° I used to have a lot of trouble in school, starting with first grade- I never could wrap my head around the concept of numbers and how they interact, in short, I s*cked HARD at math. And for some reason, my parents just would not believe me that I didn't understand math but would insist that I was being stubborn/lazy/just "didn't want to" (I cried my eyes out over nearly every single damn math homework for twelve years because my brain just up and left whenever numbers appeared on the horizon). So one day I just concluded that I had to be stupid, that if I didn't understand something right away, I never would understand it, and of course this belief spread to all other subjects at school. Cue the cycle of me not trying any harder than was absolutely unavoidable-> feeling frustrated if I got a bad grade and like I didn't deserve it when I got a good grade (because I hadn't done any work for it)-> assumption that I will never learn anything if the least effort is required to learn it-> because I'm lazy-> reminding myself that no matter how hard I tried, I never understood math-> because I'm stupid, etc. Still replaying 15 years later -.-

[@varshavijayakumar4085]

Related so hard with the procrastination story 😔

[@elsewherehouse]

I found " Emotionally Absent Mother" (book by Jasmin Lee Cori) To be quite insightful and revealing. It discusses topics similar to your comments. I'd like to suggest it to you if you have the time.

[@haruminimas]

Thanks for sharing! I think my ex partner will benefit from your story so much! He's one of the smartest person Ive ever met but the I am stupid, I am powerless/trapped, I am defective narrative makes him procrastinate A LOT. And prevent him to achieve what he desires in life. The thing is, the further he is from his (career) goals, the more depressed he gets. Then the shame gets bigger. He is afraid to drag me down bcs he is not as hardworking as I am. He is weak/lazy, I will be disappointed. Now he deactivates for weeks after failing a test for his phD application and I let him take his time although I am worry about him a little. He believes he deserve that failure for he is stupid & a procrastinator :(

[@sunnygirly1714]

Emotional unavailable caregiver(s) Lack of closeness Repress need to get close Physically unsafe Flight/fight you cannot trust someone to stay Hoarding things/ protective of food, money/ not sharing Things buffer them; things bring safety Feels safer to be alone Panic/ fear/ agitation I am defective, as children why were they being denied consistently Sadness and internal shame They Keep people at bay, "if i let you close you will see that i am defective" Hopelessness ... irritation, misunderstood, they communicate less indirectly Fearful, withdrawn Abandoned, alone, defective, unsafe, misunderstood Stupid: critical of themselves esp if they don't know sth that others know

[@corabellerowland3182]

Being an avoidant has ruined my life and relationships. At the age of 43 I finally have a name for my patterns and I need it to change. I would like to experience happiness and genuine relationships for the remainder of my life.

[@onnol917]

As someone with a DA ex. Don't let self sabotage dictate your selfworth. Good luck finding happiness, your worth it

[@tabithajax]

"I don't feel like I can rest". That made my jaw drop, because I have always felt this but never been able to put it into words. It is like I can't take my coat off and really BE with someone. It is too scary for them to really SEE ME, the real me. I have a ton of fun with casual relationships but as soon as I am asked for any vulnerability, truth, or intimacy, I run for the hills. It feels terrifying, like realizing that you lost your wallet or something. You are so insightful!

[@jh5588]

Same for me … if I’m asked for vulnerability, intimacy , too much of my time or told I love you , I become suffocated , claustrophobic, can’t breathe. I just have to go and have no control over it.

[@komatsu8169]

So i think my ex doesn't know that he's a dismissive avoidant but he used to tell me during our relationship that the reason he's distant towards me is because i am getting too close to him, he complained about me becoming clingy, other time he told me if i love him too much he will run!!!!!!! I thought he was just saying, it's only in the end that I realised that he was somewhat trying to explain what was going on in his mind n low key attempting to articulate how he attaches in love.

[@chrisguida95]

Can you point to the timestamp where she said "I don't feel like I can rest"? I re-watched and still didn't catch it.

[@SangheiliSpecOp]

An an anxious preoccupied person here with a DA partner, this is very interesting to me. We all have our different upbringings and views of the world, for me, I crave intimacy and closeness and I love being vulnerable with people, almost to a fault. Its not very intuitive to me (or to many other APs I would assume) until I learned about what being a DA entails that they would be absolutely terrified of getting close to people. There has been a few times my partner has been depressed or had something happen in the family and actually opened up to me, and I always make sure to be super caring and give advice and comfort them, but unfortunately they don't open up typically.

[@tabithajax]

@@SangheiliSpecOp That is very sweet of you, and any DA would be lucky to have someone who helps them feel safe to open up. Please don't take it personally if they don't right away though - it is definitely a deep, deep subconscious wound and not a reflection of you as a partner. Hopefully in their healing journey they'll have an easier time opening up over time. Best of luck to you both!

[@CristianaCatólica]

They are workaholics, please mention that. Thank you so much.

[@ginasutherland9277]

Yes! So very true. My ex DA was self employed and could determine what days he worked and how many clients he saw in a day. He chose to work 7 days a week, well into the evening each night and never take a day off. In the beginning of our relationship he talked up how flexible his schedule was and suggested weekend trips we could take. Of course this never happened and his schedule only became busier. Eventually I began saying that I’d like to see him during the day sometimes, or be able to do things together on the weekend. It always ended in tension, with him acting like my very normal request to spend time together in daylight hours was unreasonable.

[@XxXAlexAutopsyXxX]

That would be a coping mechanism of emotional repression through being busy and constantly “on”

[@edithhsedits226]

They are but if they are doing the work and love you then they will make you a priority.

[@slimetime850]

I'm only 23 atm so I haven't had the most time in the world to observe my own behaviors, especially not at work where I turn myself off and turn "work mode" on. I dont believe a career is the sum of all you are and you shouldn't strive to BE your job (i.e. a painter or a driver, etc.); but without satisfying/gratifying work to pour your heart and soul into, life is just a listless daze. I never really realized until I started my most recent job just how much I value having a job and being good at it. im not a stuffy guy with lots of rules and expectations so it comes as a big surprise to me to find myself happiest at work, performing services for the people in my community, actively participating in said community as an integral piece. I've gone without work for over a year at one point, that was genuinely the lowest point in my short little life so far and the places I found myself in were worse than even I could've ever imagined for myself. the job fills time in the day and so much more. its a necessity for a fulfilling life

[@hashtagspandas4070]

@@slimetime850 Yep you can have that AND a relationship ;) just managing time. If work is all you do you realise one day that a lifetime of achievements mean nothing if you have no one close to share them with x

[@mattm.5436]

When I was younger I remember dreaming more than once that I was riding in the car in the back seat behind my mother. Except I would realize that she was supposed to be in the drivers seat driving -but she wasn't there. It always gave me that sickening punch in the gut feeling of anxiety.

[@Eevanova]

That's horrible feeling...

[@lampoonism5014]

The core wounds of the DA beak my heart. I wish I saw this material before DA woman I dated disappeared on me. I’m not upset and I forgive her, but I wish I understood her pain.

[@RH-ul2bc]

I dont think I've ever felt more understood than after watching this. I've grown beyond a few of these but many still apply. I've nearly resigned myself to the fact that I can only trust myself and I very well may be alone the last half of my life. Having a relationship with my mother at this stage of my life (I'm 53) is difficult as I am working on healing myself. Logically I understand she too was emotionally abandoned as a child. All my life she's been emotionally absent but also very critical and somewhat controlling. Both if those stem from her own fears. My tolerance level is very low when it comes to being around her. When I am around mom, it can be emotionally draining to hold my boundaries. I feel disrespected. She cannot accept me telling her no. As a child i was never allowed to say no. Heck even as an adult when I say no thank you, the nasty comes out because to her, its rejection. I would like a relationship. I do feel like I'm a work in progress and wonder if I will ever get there.

[@smusac]

I just want to say I could have written what you wrote. I can hold on to myself for a few hours when I'm visiting my mum, then I go into a trigger state and just have to fight the urge to pack my bags and run out of the door. I understand, like you, that her behaviour comes from her own upbringing and core wounds. But I can't move past my anger and hurt at being emotionally abandoned as a tiny child, and made to feel that it was all because there was something wrong with me. Solidarity x

[@marcelatalmazan4271]

Now I that I understand what I was going through all these years I have so much love for myself, and so much respect.I just wanna hold that sweet little girl inside my heart, I wanna hold her soo tight that she will never ever forget who is.

[@ericablaschke3497]

I wish that my dismissive avoidant mother with narcissistic traits worked on her own issues before having children or not having kids. It would have made my life not as traumatic

[@jessp8238]

I right here with you! 😅

[@sumana301]

this!!!!!

[@ericablaschke3497]

@@sumana301 what does that mean?

[@marcelusdarcy]

omg this is me all over. and i'm autistic too so it's even harder. im in therapy at the moment for all of this and im only 22 so it's only just started to show up

[@ImaniBrammer]

WOW. I no longer need that "closure" conversation. This explained it all. If he texts me I'll say, "actually, I took a moment to understand your pathology, and now I'm good. No worries." Thank you.

[@MrDiablosmiles]

DA here, I would compare that shame to how you feel when you invite a crush or new love interest on a dinner date, it's light and fun and at the end the check comes and you remember you never had any money to pay for this. You feel embarrassed and ashamed because deep down you always knew you couldn't afford it. To cope maybe you'll lie about forgetting your wallet or start an argument at the table to distract from the check until the evening just comes to a firey end. But *whew* at least they never found out you're broke. Imagine always feeling like a fraud for bringing someone out only to not be able to pay (the emotional) check. And that check is always imminent in my mind. Always wanting to have that meal and that experience because it's fun and it's light but somewhere inside you are so certain that you're a fraud. That you'll be exposed for the emotionally poor and

[@chickletmonstah]

Thank you for this analogy. Helps me understand my DA.

[@lotuslibrary6109]

I stumbled across this because for years now I’ve been trying to figure why I’m so resistant in love and relationships and i truly love who I’m with but it is so hard for me to show those emotions. This hits everything to a T, I just hope it helps me move forward

[@BeatzByMK]

I scored 33% on both dismissive and fearful avoidant and I resonate with both so heavy. It’s painful but also gaining so much clarity on why I am the way I am

[@Anthony_Gx]

So difficult. I would want to tell them I am never gonna leave and I mean it. And I would help them in every way they need. But that would then make it more awkward for them coz it’s getting too close, right? Fucked up coz I love someone who behaves dismissive and avoidant and it’s very very hard for me to let it go and accept that we won’t see each other again. At the same time I am very anxious to irritate them or be a turn off by behaving needy or clingy. So I will respect their wish and give them the space. But in my mind I keep thinking about them and all we talked about, did, if I could’ve done things differently. How I should behave if we were to ever reconnect etc. It’s hurting me every day and keeps me from moving on. I do realize now tho that I can’t sacrifice my own hapiness and life

[@Eevanova]

So accurate! That's my situation with this DA guy. He disappeared after he told me that he want to move to another country together. And it was extremely manifestation of closeness for him. I said of course I want and hugged him. Then we texted a little bit and he ghosted me...But I know he will text me again because he miss me. Or my support and sex. It's like a circle. After next step of closeness he disappears. But I can't text him "I miss you", because I will look like needy, I need to be the strong one, ignoring and then they need us. I think impossible to heal correctly without therapy.

[@Lordran__]

any updates?

[@stolensilver6963]

I think I am an extreme DA, as an adult I have never feared abandonment because I am so capable at being on my own. However, as I understand myself more I am beginning to make sense of a fear I have always had, even as an adult, and that is a fear of getting lost. I tend to get anxious whenever I cannot orientate myself with ‘home’. If I am lost then I have failed myself, and that is where my fear lives.

[@1taeok]

12:43 Listening to this and on the verge of tears. Wow!

[@marcwelch2624]

Protective of food.....dingdingding, oh my god! I am hearing so many flags throughout these vids. Big help.

[@Kevdo92]

I've always wondered why my DA ex was so hesitant to say "I love you" because I feel I tried my best to help her reach that comfort zone. Even though I am an AA, I feel like I handled it really well. I never lashed out about it or made it a big deal. Mostly because I know my DA ex loved me because they showed me they did, their actions made it clear to me that they loved me, but they never were able to bring themselves to say it with words. I think she got pretty close once, but it's like she had a block preventing her from saying it. Never really understood why, and I'm still not sure I understand.

[@globalmark3300]

He Kevin - posted yesterday similar question on the facebook group - my i am also AA and she was DA and she would DENY i loved her - if i said Iove you she would say No you dont , seems common with DA's and FA's - But her actions were clear to me most of the time. not sure i understand what Happenned to US as was good relationship and ended Suddenly but i am Understanding DA's more so not really there fault.

[@AzumaRikimaru]

same is happening to me, im the one who expresses love and concern for her and the relationship. She told me its hard for her to say "i love you" even to family. Learning to love her unconditionally, but its hard. I have needs too. But i think overall Im becoming a better person.

[@Kevdo92]

@@AzumaRikimaru Best of luck my friend, I know it can be difficult.

[@jh5588]

I cringe when told “ I love you “ I will not say it back . For me it just says “ I’m needy, insecure , and be prepared for me to suffocate you with my insecurity and neediness. Your space and autonomy is not important.”

[@HustleHabit]

@@jh5588 Do you believe those thoughts are true? Are you doing anything to tell yourself otherwise?

[@primerdimers]

Hello! Great videos and so thankful!! what would be super is a short video why AA put partners on a pedestal and how to break that 🤔

[@Edith864]

Yes! Great suggestion. 🤗

[@danaconnolly8574]

Great idea, I’d like to see that too. I imagine it has something to do with our innate feelings of not being good enough and unworthy of love bc us fearfuls put DAs on a pedastal too. Yet for some reason don’t put others on it. Would love an in-depth explanation and tools on how to overcome that. Great suggestion!

[@primerdimers]

not sure about FAs but AAs I think, do so because of the fear of abandonment so maybe they treat their partners like royalty or over-idealise them in the relationship? 🤔...reflecting on my history

[@NazifaKhatun]

can you please make a video addressing relationship uncertainty. I have difficulty wanting to stay in relationships especially when things are tough and takes a lot of work

[@amanda_exploring_spirituality]

I second this!

[@leeleeonthemove]

This is me...

[@KathleenHawk]

Core wounds listed at 5:05

[@Jay-qh6uv]

I’d like to know your thought on DA individuals also using their negative qualities as a way to gain the upper hand in situations in which they feel vulnerable, a way to gain power. I feel this way and feel extremely resistant to change because of the power these negative avoidant qualities give me. Sometimes it feels like a boon rather than something that hurts me. I think it can be advantageous in many situations, relationships and beyond and it makes me reluctant to ever work on myself.

[@claudemacaluso9896]

Dated a dismissive a complete nightmare .Dated her a year fell in love and she ghosted me for 2 mths never knew what was going on.It made me sad and angry how I was tossed like trash with no reason, no closure .It took me 5 mths to get over so no I don’t feel sorry for these people .Ir was evil and painful

[@claudemacaluso9896]

Get help a lot of it . You can’t destroy peaple lives and hearts because of your issues .It isn’t fair to the rest of secure peaple. You damage peaple minds and hearts long term .

[@lisav6583]

Thank you for this video. I feel a lot less alone.

[@motivatetherevolution389]

I really need to understand the leaving of relationships for DAs. 15 years and 3 kids. Loving relationship even though we didn't know about the attachment styles till after the break up. I'm talking as soon as I found out pretty much I understood instantaneously almost every single aspect of this attachment style because I've been living with it for 15 years and I did not realize. What I'm not getting a firm grasp on though is the self-sabotaging. It seems that there are so many rash decisions being made almost as if it's like someone is holding a gun to her head and telling her that she has to in this relationship. Her reasoning for it doesn't make sense. The hiding and lying doesn't make sense. And the fact that it's literally happening doesn't make sense. There's no abuse or emotional neglect except from on her end. It's like one day everything was fine and the next day everything gets completely shut off. At the same time while things are shut off she's wanting to continue to keep up with our relationship routine because we are still currently living together even though she broke up with me and is telling me this is over and she's leaving. Like I feel like I'm hanging on hope that's not there but at the same time it's like she can't help but continue to give me hope while at the same time telling me that this is over. I am at a loss and I do not understand why this is taking place. Please someone help me

[@serenarossi8480]

@motivate the Revolution you don't find logic in her behavior because it's not logic ! You have to understand that Is done UNCONSCIOUSLY, it's like an instinct, a hurge to do so, we can't control It, as much as an anxious or fearful person can't control his panicking about trivial things or a rageous person flips out for a wrong word...It stems from childhood traumas and coping mechanisms so it's deep seated like a habit or an automatic response

[@jh5588]

Your description sounds more like borderline pathology . The thing about a borderline is their “self” is truly split with one half being Avoidant attachment and the other half is Anxious attachment. That’s what causes the hot/ cold , I love you / I hate you , come here/ go away.

[@valentinanocross8677]

As always your work , effort and consistency is a blessing to all

[@bellaapple2166]

This explains why my ex was selfish with his money. He never wanted to buy me anything. One day he gave me his jacket to wear on a cold night, a month later I still had it at my house. When he saw it, he snatched fit out of my closet. It was as is he didn't want me to have anything of his. He hated when I asked for anything. I also remember through out his life his friends stealing money from him by having him sign for things and not paying him back. So as much as he didn't want to share his money with me, the people in his life was always stealing his money. One time he saved money for a car and his sister stole the entire thing. I never felt bad. God was always watching how he treated me.

[@agamng]

The last dismissive avoidant was using an excuse of being miserable to not to see me on the weekends, same thing every Sunday so we only saw each other twice during the week when he came after work but was leaving super early saying he had to work. Then he sent me a text saying as you know i haven’t been feeling great so I think we should just leave things. I loved spending time with you but the thought of meeting up makes me feel anxious and I don’t know why Maybe when I feel better we can meet back up I mean, I kind of knew what I was dealing with so I let him initiate all meetings and never put any pressure on him, wasn’t clingy, annoying, didn’t make him see me. I gave him lots of space and he said that the thought of meeting up was making him anxious I just don’t understand it

[@christopherscott3264]

Thx for sharing this. I’ve been struggling for 1.5 years now with my DA partner and it’s been quite the challenge. I am trying to work on my inner self and understanding me (anxious attachment) at the same time, trying to understand her as well.

[@thegirlwiththatface]

Hi, friends. I’ve had a DA partner for 3 years now. He would rather throw himself into work or his friendships than make time for me too often. He’s the kind of guy who makes friends with anyone and everyone bc he doesn’t really care to know about who they are on a deeper level. For instance he continues to be friends with someone who tried to break us up and lies to him. While he says a lot of the right things when it matters most, his actions never seem to line up bc his feelings are so hidden within him. He’s finally getting therapy but we are ‘separated’ rn. As primarily an AA, I’ve just finally started learning that my needs also have a right to be met, and for me, I’m not sold that they will be met with this partner. At least, not without sacrificing too much. Do not sacrifice your boundaries willy nilly. They will keep taking’. No matter how much you do for them, they will struggle to show you that they love you. Your DA’s need to do the work too, because they want to. You can’t force them. Your needs matter too. It shouldn’t be one sided. Love yourself too.

[@sarahguttenbeil5411]

@@thegirlwiththatface I hope you’re doing well on your own journey. Your realisations about your own needs deserving to be met, made me smile. I’m so happy for you to have gotten to that point where you can ask for this. I’m going through a break-up with a DA male partner and your words sound like the exact same experience. I am an earned secure attachment, recovered Anxious, and it’s so powerful to hear and connect with other people who reflect back the growth I’ve made. I advocated for myself and my needs to be met before ending this connection, I know I love myself fully now!

[@SuperCarottesRapees]

100% true, from a dismissive avoidant. One day I hope that I can repay my debt to you, Thais. Perhaps by going on the Personal Development School. I've cried so much in front of your videos.

[@MM-ql5ji]

May u find the courage to work on yourself.. may u find peace and love.. don't cry because i too did and am not the DA my husband is and it's very difficult very very much i was in the verge of quitting so many times many many times... He thinks am weak because of i show him tears and vulnerability.. he says am not worth it if am still with him.. it hurts but i married him for better or for worse.. i hope he gets better... I know the more around him i am the more he see my flaws and imperfections and he isn't able to love me. Because am not his Holy Grail or epitome of perfection. He is not loving me anymore is how he makes me feel. He has this idea that there's a perfect women out there for him. It only makes me laugh.. because i know there isn't a person in this world prefectly perfect for anyone, it all depends on how much ur willing to work on that makes the relationship perfect. Or may b am wrong and he will actually find someone better than me or more perfect than me. I never know.. it's hard to stay with him as it is and his words and critisism only makes it harder and makes me feel like i don't have any self-respect and still shamelessly sticking around only for him to kick me around. I wish I know what's the right thing to do.. Sorry for the Rant.. but the fact u shed tears in front of her videos made me feel so sad because god know how much i too have cried while watching her videos, she truly is helping us all in ways that can't be so easily articulated.

[@melindajoy779]

Is cheating a common trait among DAs? Do they always need a back up escape route?

[@lotuswolf1518]

😂😂😂emotional cheating yes

[@oceans.and.deserts]

No. I know this is me 100% and I am overly loyal, but that might also be due to my zodiac sign.

[@nonamenoidea9792]

Your emotional disposition is uncomfortable for me. However, I am aware that is due to my discomfort with constant emotional expression. It does feel weak to me. But I understand your comfort with emotions is a strength I don't have now. This was informative.

[@sabrinazoccola7947]

Assume abandonment, so to cope with it, they develop a very strong relationship to themselves (although not always effective, can be escapist). 1. I will be abandoned. Comes from emotional neglect. Emotionally unavailable caregiver(s). Your emotions were abandoned- repress need to get close to others, cope through keeping people away. If you let them get too close, subconscious fear you’ll relieve painful feelings from childhood. 2. I am unsafe. Physically unsafe- can’t trust that caregiver is sticking around (because aren’t entirely there), fight or flight state at subtle level. Hoarding, not wanting to share, protective of environment. Need for safety never really met, keep safe by attachment to things (truck, car, etc). 3. I am alone. They may feel safer like this. 4. I am unsafe. Panic, fear, agitation. Can’t understand why a part of them are being rejected. 5. I am defective. Shame, sadness. Part of them was rejected. Makes them want to keep others at bay because of deep wound around shame. If you get too close, you’ll see something is wrong with me. Afraid of this, wanting to escape/withdraw. 6. I am trapped/stuck/ helpless/powerless: Anxiety, frustration, fear, irritation. 7. I am misunderstood. Don’t communicate vulnerably/ clearly, so it’s less likely to be understood by others. Focus on protecting oneself through coping mechanisms leads them to not communicate clearly. 8. I am stupid. Often build self esteem around being intelligent, part of how they insulate themselves. Critical/harsh with themselves around their intelligence.

[@robdog4095]

Trying very very hard to change my patterns. I have perfectionism in regards to I must do things perfectly I every interaction with people or 'I am stupid or defective' So I get triggered nearly with every interactiin in work when teaching a class because I put these impossible expectation ls in myself. Working very hard with this dichotomous thinking and subconscious reprogramming. It's very ingrained

[@thecommonsensecapricorn]

I took the attachment quiz and it said I’m 35% DA and 30% FA. Which makes sense, I do relate to both. But I highly relate to the part about how we have a deep fear of being abandoned but we cope with that by being good alone. I struggle to say I ever feel loneliness and I’ve struggled to say I’m afraid of abandonment for a long time, but I am. That’s why I work so hard to be avoidant. As long as I’m avoidant, I will never get hurt. I’ll always have the upper hand. But that makes life empty and painful. I just want to stop pursuing relationships for good, they cause me so much anxiety and inner turmoil because of how much energy it takes to fight them.

[@mochipurrez3767]

3 months and countin since no contact with my DA ex..... I appreciate all vids you post on that attachment style..

[@globalmark3300]

If you want to try and Reconnect the is a Video from THAIS about that ?

[@Kevdo92]

Hey Mochi, I've seen you around these parts for some time now. I am actually just a little over 3 months of no contact with my DA ex too. There was a time I watched a lot of DA videos, but I realized I wasn't watching enough of the AA videos. The videos Thais does on AA and how to learn to love yourself are pretty powerful. I hope you watch enough of those too! Don't forget that WE are the focus here, not our DA exes. Anyways, just wanted to say hello and let you know you're not alone in processing this kind of breakup! :D

[@mochipurrez3767]

@@Kevdo92 thanks!

[@mochipurrez3767]

@@Kevdo92 whats the update on your situation

[@Kevdo92]

@@mochipurrez3767 Well, not much to tell to be honest. I haven't heard from her at all, and I don't really think I will honestly. I don't use social media at all, so I have no idea what's going on in her world, and she has no idea what's going on in mine. We only have 1 mutual friend, and we both hardly talk to this mutual friend, so no information is going around that way either lol. There's only a few apps she has me on, but she hasn't blocked me on anything. Not that I would reach out anyway. We ended things very amicably, lovingly even. When we broke up, she still hugged me and we even kissed one last time before I left her apartment. There were no hard feelings, I didn't beg or plead. I just told her I didn't want to break up, I told her I believed we could work it out, but I also told her I respected her decision if this is what she wanted. She told me that she's already tried to talk to me many times about the issues, but I hadn't changed. We talked a lot, maybe for about 3 hours. After we discussed the break up, we hung out for a little bit and joked and laughed like nothing happened. But when I left that evening, I told her I loved her and we kissed one last time. That was the last time I ever saw or spoke with her. I imagine she's probably found herself thinking about me a lot, I mean her apartment is covered with reminders of me. I'm sure she's thought about reaching out, but I wouldn't be surprised if she decided against it because she's not sure I have changed, or will. That's why I don't really expect her to reach out at this point, and I wouldn't blame her for not believing I could change to make it work. In a lot of ways, maybe we just weren't compatible. We tried to talk about the issues so many times in our relationship and it just never worked out I guess. I know way more now than I did 3 months ago, but even with all my growth in this time, I'm not really sure we could make things work. It feels nice to hope you could, but I really am not sure myself. Anyways, it felt good to share my story so I'm glad you asked. Thank you for listening. Please tell me about your situation if you think it would also help you! It would be nice to know what someone else who's going through something similar has experienced.

[@superp25]

I see you serving us higher "production value" Miss Thais...and I am SO here for it! Please keep up the good work!

[@TatiTalks]

This is random but could you make a video about life-mapping? How to isolate best-fit career path once you’ve identified and ordered your tertiary and personality needs. FA in-process-of-healing here, working on building that stronger relationship to self. 😉❤️

[@That_Handle]

🤔 Ooo, _yeah!_ 😃👍

[@Edith864]

Great idea 👍

[@HadashiMartialArts]

There is already a course on life mapping in the school

[@rosieshades6134]

I would so appreciate a video on why a person wouldnt want to do the work...what would the blockage be? having an empty kitchen maybe...

[@Anailil8]

I wonder if a dismissive avoidant who was sexually abused as a child by a relative, could that also trigger a lot of the core wounds and trauma and somewhat make their dismissive style even more complicated to heal?

[@cadilac949]

I’m %50 percent DA. 39% fearful. And I fit these criteria. Knowing this about them- can be helped a bit but you have to see how comfortable they are with the opposite sex, and how resolved are they from their trauma or past issues- you can just be really patient and accepting. Give them all the time they need and make it known that you’ll be there when they want to come or whatever. Providing that security helps 10x

[@Kjohnson518]

I am literally in tears hearing this right now 🥺🥺

[@K4113B4113]

Is it possible that someone might seem like a DA but that they're actually just not interested in you? Like if you're not interested in someone you would keep distance and not get too involved emotionally with that person even if you're secure, right?

[@Binaas]

Hello from Italy!! :) I have a question: why a DA who constantly runs away and pushes me away was able in the past to estabilish some kind of romantic relationship with other girls? Is it because he felt safer with them or beacuse he cared less about them, so he was less "scared"? i don't know if this makes sense, but it's a thing about DAs that i struggle to understand. Thank you :) p.s. sorry for bad english :)

[@79paddysirl17]

@@ShawnFin well put shawn.

[@user-fq5he8qv5w]

@@ShawnFin thats a great explanation. It's hard not to take it personally sometimes, but at the end of the day it's more on them and their struggles and its on them to want to work on that.

[@danaconnolly8574]

Wow! Thank you thank you so much for this explanation. I too had the exact same question of the OP. Your response sheds so much light on it and makes more sense to me now, you really helped

[@Binaas]

@@ShawnFin thank uso much!! Super clear answer, it helped me so musch :)

[@normawright3179]

@@ShawnFin Thank you!!!! You've explained it perfectly. That's what happened with my DA - we were so close and he got scared and ran away...sort of. We used to work together in a very part time kind of way. We are both self employed contractors. I know he's had other relationships, yes - shallow. I've been a widow for 18 years and wasn't looking for love. Then he came into my life, I didn't notice him for months, being too involved with my work. One day, he got my attention - and I was like "oh, who are you - where did you come from"? Over the next many months we got very close, in love. My contract ended and so did our personal interaction. We stay in touch by email. He almost all of the time, responds to my emails, maybe not right away - he's a doctor and sometimes can't, but he does when he can. He's always cordial, polite and once in awhile might say something emotionally expressive . Gives me a little glimpse that's he not a robot. I don't know what the future holds for us. I will love him forever and am thankful that I have this DA in my life, in some way...albeit close from distance :)

[@shobhajawaharani6418]

Thais,I have followed since you had only 2 k subscribers!!! You have been so helpful to me , your videos are informative. Please continue the goodwork. You are godsent to me . Much love .

[@lunamaria7467]

Your videos really help me and my friends a lot 💕 thank you 🌹

[@Lina-ok6zr]

I always thought my ex was a DA and I kept wanting to work things out ---- turns out he is a classic narcissist and I just didn't want to see it. Everyone who's watching this pleeeeease look into it! I feel like the core wounds and fears of narcissists and DAs are probably the same so watch out for: - Love bombing in the beginning of the relationship, them being VERY into you - Rage, overreactions to mild triggers - Constant need for validation by others, constant need of standing out/being the best - Hate of being alone for longer periods, preference of having an audience/company - Low disappointment threshold, easily enraged/annoyed - Disrespect of people's boundaries - Jealousy, maybe even of other people getting more attention than them - Manipulation, disregard of others (www.quora.com/What-is-the-difference-between-dismissive-avoidant-and-narcissistic-personality-disorder) My ex started disrespecting my boundaries as soon as we started dating. Convincing me of things to get his way. He was easily enraged and felt like people and the world were out to inconvenience him personally. He reacted with angry stonewalling when I tried to talk about my feelings. Accusing me of starting fights when expressing my needs as calmly as I could. He always needed to be the best and he needed people to know and notice. Boasting about his accomplishments/success in sports/winning when playing board games and going as far as putting friends down. Very early on he started gaslighting me without me noticing. For example calling me fat and telling people that I'm bad at running - I'm underweight and run marathons. All of this just got worse with time until I finally noticed. For the longest time I never took any of it seriously enough to be concerned. I thought he was cute, somehow he needed to be the center of attention but he is very charismatic and people love him for it. I didn't really mind that he was moody sometimes and I never took his mean comments seriously because they were obviously untrue and it just seemed to me like he had a weird sense of humour. I watched every DA video out there and always felt like they were spot on. With the distance he was creating and maintaining between us, his self-soothing with computer games and friends, his unwillingness of talking about needs and feelings or just everyday life. For the whole world he is a charming, funny, energetic and amazing man and all I wanted was for him to open up in private as well. IF this resonates with you AT ALL please watch a few videos of Dr. Ramani - I wish I had found her sooner, maybe this would have saved me a couple of years.

[@Lina-ok6zr]

Apart from that I love you Thais Gibson!!!! :)))))) You have changed my life and I couldn't be more grateful!

[@cm-yu6gu]

Definitely have to disagree with the list of overlapping corewounds for narc and DA DAs LOVE to be alone and genuinely think they don't need people whereas narcs feed off people as supply Avoidants aren't manipulative or jealous and definitely don't feign for attention/admiration

[@tmcfarland3561]

@@cm-yu6gu Agreed

[@notyourturkey]

Thank you for creating these great videos for our benefit!

[@nova12332]

ugh me and a DA just broke up recently but i wanna tell her all of this in a way so that she can feel safe and seen. one of her complaints about me was she doesn't feel at peace and can't open up all the way and that honestly hurts me because i did try to open her up. of course i didnt know all of this about DA until now.

[@nl4941]

You are incredibly insightful

[@krishnamayimarianni8026]

Beautifully explained.

[@brettawesome]

What’s the difference between unconscious and subconscious?

[@fitnesswithwasif3995]

Feels like some one finally understand me😢

[@andrear6701]

I've watch nearly every video and still can't figure out if someone I know is a dissmisive or a fearful avoidant🤦🏽‍♀️ I myself fall into both categories according to your quiz.. so confusing

[@houghton841]

It may depend on the relationship. These patterns aren't that fixed. I know with some people I'm secure, but others avoidant and it largely depends on their behaviour with me. Too clingy and I become more avoidant, relatively secure and I'm closer and more relaxed, very distant and I draw closer or reject outright etc.

[@elisabethsyou]

could an DA / FA attachment also come from trauma in the adult life, not from childhood?

[@danaconnolly8574]

I love all your videos and have learned so much. Thank you! Can you do a video about “almost relationships” and the fearful avoidant and dismissive avoidant? Im a fearful to a T but as I heal through your videos I’m questioning why I attract A LOT of Dismissives and just as they look like they’re about to turn into a relationship the dismissive ends up pulling away the more vulnerable we are and I’m not clingy nor do I chase so I just let them go but the cycle continues and it’s really painful. Every time I really like someone as we become closer they all of a sudden end it. My only boyfriend was an anxious attachment but everyone told me he was verbally abusive and made me cry so I ended it and my dismissive side was triggered during. I have since avoided relationships for a year now bc I don’t want to repeat this cycle. I don’t know if other fearfuls exhibit this but do you mind dedicating a video to it or suggesting how I can change it if it’s not common? Thank you!

[@enarcmcfly]

I would definitely watch a video on the almost relationship between FA & DA

[@louisecogan725]

Wow sounds exactly like me. Yes please a video on DA and FA and almost relationships. Things we progressing before the pandemic now the DA has disappeared completely.

[@ChilledOut]

Yes! This is my life 😢

[@colorfullyme]

@@enarcmcfly man. going through this now. OUCH

[@enarcmcfly]

@@colorfullyme no joke. Big ouch lol

[@charlie5115]

Can an dismissive-avoidant attachment style come from losing someone in close family as a child (at 4) and subsequently developing separation anxiety which caused an over-protective and enmeshed family dynamic?

[@karinhill5892]

I have had similar thoughts, lost my grandfather at the age of 4, developed severe separation anxiety and fear of death (along with other issues), but in my case there was not overprotective behavior after that, my experience or feelings were that I was left alone with my fear. Much due to the fact that my youngest brother was born the same day as my grandfather passed away. But I think a part of the emotional neglect I felt was that I didn't get help to process the grief - and since I am a HSP I picked up the emotions of my caregivers too and that gave me an 'additional emotional load' I failed to handle.

[@gebronthomasson6960]

Phenomenal content

[@TJ-nq5nt]

Its people who never wake up out of reprograming at all.

[@vesennyaa]

Thank you for this information and your work. It would be so amazing if you could structure videos about each attachment style under separate playlist on your channel

[@CosmicHealingGoddess]

WoW this was 🎯💛👏🏻 this is me 100000%! Now I understand the reason I’ve always been an overachiever! Wow wow wow 🤦🏻‍♀️ Thankyou 🙏🏻♥️ I never understood reason I always felt stupid even when I got great marks and achieved my goals!

[@-alfeim2919]

Unconscious filtering sounds like the savior function in the mbti

[@offgridlifeclothing]

I have a question about this that I can’t find an answer to anywhere. As a DA I agree with and identify with several of these. My question is about the “I’m defective”. For me the belief that I’m defective surfaces as, if I let anyone know who I really am, they won’t like me, no one would like who I really am. So I created a persona when I was young that people do like and that’s the only version of me the world has ever known. Is this common, or just another way I’m defective?

[@termiitos]

You are not defective - it is a coping mechanism you've created to survive :) I recommend reading the book "Running on empty", they talk about feeling defective and the "fatal flaw" in several chapters there. It's a very common coping mechanism. But it will take a lot of energy from you.

[@BrokenSofa]

This is great, Thais! I've been wanting for a long time to see a video where you go into the core WHYs DAs are how they are and where to work to fix it. Fantastic stuff 😊

[@maureenwachira3276]

I totally related to the wounds.😭😱😢 I'm working really hard to heal my wounds and move to a secure attachment.

[@k.k.9777]

Lol, these are the core wounds for the enneagram as well: "I am trapped in pain" 7 "I am powerless" 8 "I am misunderstood" 4 "I am stupid" prolly a 5 There are some others i may have missed~ but interesting stuff

[@emotophobiccdd8006]

Another great video, thanks Thais!

[@sohila5033]

I'm a AP married to a DA. I don't know how to help him cus he does want to improve or progress. He wants me to read his mind but has no suggestions when I ask him how I can meet some of his needs. He wants physical intimacy only and as long as he keeps getting that he's ok. Me being AP has hard time with physical connection as I'm looking to connect with him on psychological and spiritual level. He finds my emotions too much and doesn't see the point of them. I can't talk to him cus he tunes out. He doesn't want to be married but he can't leave either cus he only lives for others approval. He is ok with our kids and I being unhappy over him being admired in the eyes of strangers. I've tried to leave but keep staying hoping he'll see that he needs to heal himself but at 37 he is not seeing it. He uses me when his anxiety peaks yet not willing to support me when I am going through my own turmoil. He loves to criticize me yet can't take it when it's coming from me. I don't know how to get through to him when he won't even acknowledge that he has a problem. I hope I get all the tools I need to fix myself so I can gain the courage to leave him. This is been blessing as at least I know what I'm dealing with for myself and him. Otherwise I thought I was loosing my mind.

[@kriti3011]

waiting for the new course! :)

[@mercywanjiku4583]

Thank you Thais .Great info. Kindly work on the sound out put . There is echo that is very much audible.

[@thinkfirst1989]

Just getting into these concepts. I took the quiz and found some questions didn't give me the option of an answer that resonated. It classified me as anxious avoidant but I think I'm dismissive avoidant based on these wounds.

[@justmart4455]

Amazing! Needed this.

[@LitcheTheArsm]

Thank you.

[@wairimuwaweru5455]

I don't know if you'll answer this...but the I'm stupid core wound. Maybe it can also manifest by acting stupid? And also constantly feeling the need to learn more so as to feel less stupid. By acting stupid I.mean something like making stupid jokes, acting like they don't know something that they obviously do know about, putting oneself down when it comes to intellectual competitiveness even when its obvious that they are more intelligent than a lot of the people around them and also even putting themselves on a pedestal in such a way that most of the time they consider their worth based on their intelligence. Also can some of these wounds manifest in form of mantras? It's subconscious ...so their mantras are consistent about the denial of these core wounds eg I'm loveable to deny that they are defective and therefore unloveable..or I'm funny to feel like they have an excuse to address their needs and problems in form of jokes to avoid not being understood?

[@nimbus4443]

5:12 one

[@Kafka04]

So good

[@soniar1608]

Great video and informative! I was listening and I couldn't help but notice the picture on the wall behind you. Who is the man in the picture? And thank you so much for sharing and bringing understanding and insight. God bless!

[@Eevanova]

I think it's Buddha

[@victoriaspragg7306]

Can this be mistaken for narcissistic personality disorder??? I have honestly never heard of this until I stumbled across your channel.

[@danaconnolly8574]

Victoria Spragg she actually recently did a video about Narcissistic personality disorder vs Dismissive Avoidant Attachment bc this is an often commonly asked question since there’s a lot of overlap. I myself needed clarification too as my parents were narcissists. Definitely check it out, it’s so informative and helps you clarify things! Good luck on your journey :)

[@victoriaspragg7306]

Thank you soooooo much, Dana!!!! I’m on it!

[@tulip5210]

It is a lot, it is different though. If you want to see the difference in person first watch Thais video on the difference between npd and dismissive avoidant. Second watch psychology in seattle, his series on Darcy and Jessie, then his series on Darcy and Tom. Jessie he theorizes narcissism, Tom he theorizes with dismissive avoidance. Though we all have narcissism as it is a spectrum, well it will make sense.

[@enarcmcfly]

Someone who's suffered abuse from a narcissistic partner will probably feel triggered by a DA. But they're different. A person can have narcissistic -traits- without actually having NPD. My most recent guy was DA, and at one point I was concerned that I'd been targeted by a predator again. But there was something so gentle about the DA, genuine but conflicted. Scared even. I'm glad I found this channel. I was really concerned I was projecting onto a narcissist, but now I realize I was picking up on some keynote traits of someone with DA attachment style. It ended but having clarity about why has provided me with the closure DA partner couldn't.

[@victoriaspragg7306]

Enarcmcfly, that is exactly where I’m at now.... I was married to a narcissist for 6 years and I was single for almost 2 years trying to heal and work on myself and my boyfriend now has some traits that trigger me, but he has a sweet soul and this seems more like what I’m dealing with, so I’m thrilled I stumbled on this channel. Seems like there is hope to find balance and healing for this type of thing. I’m definitely trying to learn all I can!

[@DesignerAdvocate]

When you say "Physically Unsafe" do you mean they feel this as they are not safe for someone to be around?

[@Kv-pk2st]

How do you approach this subject with a DA

[@jasminebenigno-hall1596]

Is there a video on healing a dismissive attachment style?

[@jasminebenigno-hall1596]

And is there a video on how to become more secure?

[@nancyP7448]

As a Dismissive, what therapy should I look for? Suffering from extreme anxiety. Can't deal with it anymore. Looking for some therapy. Going to try it. Daughter tried EMDR? Any thoughts??

[@jannemclaughlin8436]

At just after 12:00 I want to know what you said about escaping. It sounded like “drop” and maybe “tech” . Thanks!

[@SupernovikoTardis]

She says: "withdraw, protect" :)

[@Franzifii]

You kind of left out the "dismissive"-part

[@jedidiahorakpo9343]

Please make animations

[@drewsims3823]

SZA - The anonymous ones give it a listen.

[@yasedky]

what are the eight points !!

[@michaelcolvin8702]

Why do slxismissive avoidant women cheat a lot? And emotionally cheat also

[@toscadonna]

Can anyone truly be the partner of an avoidant person? They are cruel beyond measure in that they only care about their feelings and what might potentially happen to them. They think they’re very special in that they can just hurt others first and then feel smug inside that they didn’t get hurt. And they enjoy when they hurt their partners. It makes them feel powerful unlike anything else they can do. Part of their reprogramming should be a slap in the face for being inhumane and not having feelings for others.

[@alicemungia1642]

You sound a little angry. I've had similar feelings about the DA I love. By the way, he's been ghosting me for 3 weeks. We have been together 3.5 years and broken up many times. Through these videos I've learned to look forthe sweet side of him which is hidden under layers and layers of protection. I praise him whenever he is open and kind. This has caused him to change slightly. Today, I will attempt to talk to him after church services.

[@Coeurlarme]

Ravens Moon McDonald of sleat sucks someone broke up with you. Forced therapy doesn’t work. They’re not inhuman, everyone including serial killer is human. How about you don’t engage with dismissive avoidant if you hate them? Maybe the issue is that you let yourself fell for them?

[@alicemungia1642]

@@Coeurlarme sometimes DM are good actors. I've been very good about not triggering my DM for several months. I've been working on reprogramming my anxious attachment style. I was successful for 6 months then he triggered me and my insecurities grabbed a hold of me. Now we are back to square 1. He told me to tell someone when I feel insecure because he can't handle my emotions. 🙄🙄🙄🙄

[@sfdennis1]

@@Paarthurnaxdova " horrible, inhuman creatures that need padded rooms and forced therapy"...just WOW...as a DA in (voluntary) therapy, seeking my own healing and healthy relationship skills I say to you I am not a horrible, inhuman creature, how rude of you to make a blanket insult of all DA's...heal YOURSELF first, honey, as you seem extremely bitter and judgemental. If you were hurt by a DA, I'm sorry, but it's clearly left you scarred and/or bereft of compassion. Get yourself some more (voluntary) therapy. Because EVERY "insecure" attachment style can wreck havoc on others with unhealthy behavior and unhealed needs.

[@SofiLofiAdventures]

@@alicemungia1642 good luck with praising him, no one can constantly keep up with constant praise at some one you will be angry and say something not so nice then guess what? The DA will leave. They are not capable of true deep connection & attachment. They can only do surface level. DA’s themselves might not even understand that what they feel isn’t what others feel. How would they know! Just move on to someone else.

[@tulip5210]

It’s probably my Ne but I feel like I relate to all almost all of the corewounds of every type xD darn Ne I can see everything

[@IanRoyball128]

❤️

[@stacygloria9727]

How should I react when my dismissal avoidant tells me he loves me after we have had a rough several months with almost no communication. Things have gotten better very rapidly since I’ve been watching your videos. Once I apologize to him just for 1 thing.... my communication style. Since we have been getting along so well I don’t want to react in a way that hurts him and he pushes me away.

[@beautytechniek8917]

Is it also possible that someone is born with an avoidant coping temperament and has no trauma because the reference is normal? What is the difference between avoidant attachment style and the fear of entrapment/loss you learned from your family? For example, inherited fears of your grandfather, and he also raised you because your parents needed to work. So you heard when you were young " watch out, he/she will snatch you and entrap you and sell you." All because your grandfather was kidnapped when he was 7, and he saw his father being murdered during world war II. Then he escaped the people who wanted to sell his organs, and lived on the street until he walked 300km back to his mother. Then you see people doing cuck, Candaulism-By-Proxy without consent, revenge porn, and you read people's approval, and you think that other people are not okay. Then you become more frugal and pragmatic and you avoid sharing personal things, because you know gaslighting, controlling coercive anxious attachment people are going to use that against you to deplete your self-control. So that you do their selfish goals.

[@bassface84]