7 Signs a Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Style is Ready for Love

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7 Signs a Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Style is Ready for Love
- 7 Signs a Dismissive Avoidant is Ready for Love
- What to Be Aware of
- What to Look for and Create
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Thank you for watching!

[@freepalestine3966]

1. They’re Willing to work with you. 2. They’ll try to be vulnerable. 3. They’ll try to meet your needs. 4. They will actively listen. 5. There will be a element of consistency change. 6. They don’t hold grudges.

[@k3m1ATL]

7. They start to communicate their own needs

[@ginabraun8843]

Thanks. She ramblin

[@carolinelaronda4523]

Thank you so much for the list . I love her videos but I have a headache from binge watching 😅

[@imwatching2960]

Key word: they are willing. If they are not willing, just want to stay stuck in their own mud bath, let them. Your sanity's worth more.

[@audreyshakara6928]

@@carolinelaronda4523 Guuuurrll, I feel you on that one 😂

[@ambercockcroft9801]

I’ve been with my DA for 16 months, it’s been a tough journey but finally we are reconnecting, he’s opening up, being vulnerable with me, he’s putting in so much effort and he now tells me he loves me, I can see in his eyes he’s genuine and I always see the best in him. I’m also an anxious type but I can feel I’m heading more towards a secure attachment which is also really helping our relationship.

[@kathyrobinson3848]

I’m in the same boat but he’s still not there yet.. is there anything in particular you’ve done to get to where you are?

[@Cheryl9675]

I love this! Congratulations!

[@djenning90]

I truly love how compassionate and understanding you are toward avoidants.

[@a.llewellyn]

I've been compared to dating a rock.. like an emotionless, careless thing.. it's so hard because I feel I feel so much? Does that even make sense ? Even when I feel that I show up well to the ones I love.. I continue getting the "why don't you care?". I'm very DA .. and I feel like I'm going insane, especially lately because I'm trying to put in the work and do things to be more engaged and overtly show that I care.. but I continue to get "why don't you ever show that you care" .. it's a hard place to be. 😞 I'm frustrated with myself for not showing or doing more to show my love and that I do care deeply but in the same sense.. I feel "wow I did a good job at making my boyfriend feel loved and special".. then I get the "you don't care..." from my AP in the same breath. Which hurts.. I love him so much but this is one of the hardest things il do. He's worth it. And I've realised my patterns aren't normal and I need to change. I hate being compared to that damn rock.. .. I care so much. It seems as though I can't seem to show it effectively even when I try try try hard and watch these videos to learn and grow.. I don't want my partner to continue feeling invalidated and unloved anymore.. and I don't want to feel that way either. ❤️

[@skwerl81]

Hi, first I want to say that I think you're doing amazing for realizing all of this and really tuning into how you feel about it! I also want to say that it seems like you are doing 100% of your share of the relationship, but it sounds like your partner also needs to step up and do their share as well. This involves them clearly telling you what their needs are and HOW you can fulfill them. You're not a mind-reader! I'm FA, so I experience both sides of the spectrum and I know that expressing needs can be vulnerable for your AA, but that's part of their work. Good for you for doing your share, keep it up! 🙌💜

[@a.llewellyn]

@@skwerl81 ❤️ thank you for that. I appreciate your input and I agree. thanks for sharing also ❤️

[@toninatoli]

@a.llewellyn I agree with @Annette that your partner needs to communicate to you clearly and specifically what would make him feel seen and loved. I have a hunch that slowing communication down would help you both. For your AA, that might seem mechanical and unromantic. For ex. Partner: "I'd like you to put your arm around me." You: "What I hear you saying is you want me to put my arm around you? Can you tell me how often you'd like that?" or You to partner: "What can I do that would make you feel loved today or over the course of the week?" You might find your partner has a really hard time with that. As someone said. We're not mindreaders. Your partner's frustration and impatience with you is reinforcing, probably, distancing from you. Thais always says "Repetition plus emotion" is how to reprogram but it's also how we GET programmed as kids. You two need some "wins",little wins, to give your nervous systems a chance to dial down the stakes that happen when needs aren't met repeatedly. And you've got needs too that your partner could meet. Do you have a sense of what some of those are? Take care

[@justinefreedom5964]

Have you ever heard of the 5 love languages? For me it was a game changer. Because I found out that there are 5 main love languages for how we express and how we feel love/loved. Although we can like or need all of them at some point...generally we will have a top 2 that we crave the most...and if we're not getting them enough...even if we get the others...we might not fully feel we're being loved. So all I can think is...perhaps the way you show your love...might not be exhibited in the way that your partner receives it best...and might be worth figuring that out. Check out this site and quiz that can tell you what yours is and figure out what your partners is...because the way you feel cared for might not be the same as what they prefer. For example...one of my top love languages is Words of Affirmation. Let's say my partners is Acts of Service. They might be trying to show me love through doing things for me...making dinner, cleaning house or mowing lawn or something...and although I'd totally appreciate that..if they were one who never verbally told me how much they love me or appreciate me. I'd start to wonder if they still loved me. Silly as that may seem. Same as...if their top love language is Acts of Service...I might be complimenting them all the time and telling them how awesome they are...but if I never help out and/or do lil things for them...they might start thinking like...well you say you love me but yet you never wanna help me out with things and share the load. See what I mean? Whilst knowing what the other responds to best...we can work on expressing our love and care in the way they like and vice versa. Hope this helps :) www.5lovelanguages.com/

[@lisbeth4you]

a. llewellyn great job you’re doing. Congrats for being so brave. On top of everything that’s been said, I’d also suggest you express your partner that you get discouraged by this “you don’t care” that you are caring enough and doing all this work and this reaction hurts and discourages you. Let him know your efforts and that you’d appreciate him being more appreciative of that, as these changes that you are making need time and consistency. He should do some work too along with you. Wish you all the best as you deserve it.

[@skymackerel]

thank you for this video. i felt so seen and understood i cried from relief. i'm DA, i've been working on becoming secure for some time. it is a huge challenge but so very worth it. and i felt such encouragement and acknowledgement for the effort from this video. even feeling safe to cry like that and share about it here is totally amazing, and unimaginable before. thank you ❤️

[@stephaniem1107]

I'm a DA too, I'm really grateful for these video and the lack of a hate campaign

[@ltacoach7650]

I’m seeing a huge transformation with my person, they would never ask for help or advice when sometimes they really needed it and made their own life harder trying to battle through things alone. That’s changed so much now and also I’m seeing them showing signs of love in their own way without them saying it and having to be direct, but in their actions it shines through and I’m always sure to compliment and thank them for those little things. Personally it’s been a journey for me too because it’s helped me to let go of attachments and the need for things to be a certain way. In a way I was dismissing their feelings because they shut me out and wasn’t acting the way I ‘believed’ they should so this can bring a lot off perspective both sides.

[@calistar9444]

...Right. So my DA isn't ready for love. I know he cares, but when he's shown a little more care than he planned - which happens easily and often - he freaks out and needs to have a mute day (or a few days). Before I knew about attachment theory, I'd ask him about it, and he'd say, "I don't want to get too emotionally involved and give you hope that I can't deliver." (We're not in a relationship btw. We're in a situationship.) But now that I'm well-versed on attachment theory and specifically the dismissive avoidant attachment style, I've been able to relax and give him the space he needs until he's ready to "come back". Not gonna lie though, this "one step forward, two steps back" thing is really getting to me. My needs are not met, and I've not reached a stage where I'm comfortable enough to tell him my needs for fear it pushes him further away. I'm in that kind of desperate mode where I'll take what I can get, but really, at the core of it, I'm not getting a word in edgewise. I suppress my voice because I don't want to scare him away. Isn't that awful? That can't be right. I'm not ready to give up on him. But I'm sad, confused, and frustrated every day. 😭

[@martinrehout9121]

I mean you gotta appreciate the honesty of this! Only when you’re able to honestly admit where you’re at, can you move into a space where you’ll in time be secure way beyond this! So kudos and good luck it can only get better from here!!! :))

[@calistar9444]

@@martinrehout9121 What do you mean by "be secure way beyond this" though?

[@foxerrr7864]

calistar I feel like I wrote what you said-it’s sooooo familiar. Painfully familiar for 4 years now.

[@TheCoffeeCat]

I see you. It's always all about their needs, and we are left with taking care of those needs. If we so much as mention a need we've got, it's stonewalling and silent treatment for us, for the next few days. It is unbearably painful and it messes up your self-esteem and identity. It's a life for advanced users only. Nightmare mode. On the plus side, if you manage to meet all your needs between yourself and your other relationships, you'll get to the credits and a big spaceship will come to take you to the hugest party in the galaxy where everybody shows their love for you. Or so I've heard. (I'm just trying to keep myself motivated, here.)

[@calistar9444]

@@foxerrr7864 I'm sorry you're experiencing this as well. Four years of this is a long time. How do you do it?

[@edithhsedits226]

I am super thankful to God that I came across this channel. I literally think this save me! I do think it is possible for a DA and FA to have a healthy relationship but it all depends on how much work they have done. In my experience I feel that we met after doing a lot of exploring and work on ourselves individually. It helped that we were aware of a lot of triggers already but we also came across new triggers lol. At the end of the day I feel like your love has to be stronger than your fears to continue putting in the work. We came to a conclusion that stuff are always going to come up even if both are secure but it's up to us to continue to put in the work and grow together 😀 Don't let triggers or fears get in the way of your happiness.

[@kokoskokso]

what a wonderful message!

[@chesleysnotebook537]

In romantic relationships eventually I’ll get that “you’re heartless” or “cold” orrr lol I’ve gotten “the tin man” from the wizard of oz🤦🏾‍♀️. However, in all actuality im HYPEREMOTIONAL, my emotions can be extreme (leading to crying) and sometimes irrational. After a hormonal treatment, I went from never crying to crying almost everyday. I think I just want to spare others of this broken part of me until I fix it but, i get called the tin man for it. It’s exhausting

[@1chienandalou]

Chesley Murphy they must not have read the chapter “rescue of the tin man”

[@Joushi]

my current bf is very much like this, I mentioned how it felt like he didn’t care about me at all and he reassured me that he did but it still feels like he’s so distant, I have no idea how to support and reach out to him in a way that will make him actually open up to and trust me. He’s mentioned how emotional he is (when he’s alone) but he said he doesn’t want me to see that an I have told him I won’t judge him but he’s still holding back. Idk what to do

[@roshalllambert]

Oh god the Tin man thing sounds entertaining. I am a recovering DA and I can relate to the label of "cold" and "heartless" but Tin man is a new one.

[@prettygirlsolanaa]

Thank you for commenting this. This sounds exactly like me, word-for-word. I hope you develop a more secure attachment style. You deserve healthy love & relationships.

[@ajnef4448]

@@Joushi tell him things he could do to make you feel more loved and give it some time. Don’t expect it to happen the next day. Show him love anyways and if he doesn’t want to change.. we’ll, talk to him that this is not how you imagine a fulfilling relationship. Take care and lots of love 💕

[@laverdadteharalibre7145]

Excellent! My new "friend" told me, he is open to be more vulnerable and has gone from a handshake to hugging :-) .... and avoids talking about emotions, yet if i ask him directly about emotions or how he feels"... he is responding and not shutting down or avoiding...

[@cadilac949]

And that’s very very hard to do coming from a DA. I’m still trying to not shut down

[@alexong2542]

I'm open to hugging but ONLY if I'm secured. If you're giving me mixed signals, NO WAY am I gonna give you a hug

[@ashton1952]

When I was asked how I'm feeling I thought the question was kinda strange and really didn't know how to answer, "I'm ok thanks", lol

[@magicisreal111]

I am in love with an avoidant and while I already know a lot about this topic and have done a lot of work around this, your videos are exactly the support I need. Keeping your approach in mind as I navigate communication with someone who is terrified of vulnerability but who actually has a sensitive heart, has garnered successful results. Appreciate your perspective and insight!

[@samelis6546]

I've come so far thanks to you, Thais. It's been a couple of years working on myself and I'm better than before. I've gone from being called emotionless and not understanding any of it to actually relating to most of the list. I'm still working on myself, but this channel is a gem. Thank you so much, Thais! As a DA or maybe an ex DA, it's such a huge step and a freeing one too to finally look at all these things and understand that and why they're so uncomfortable to do, but being able actually carry them out despite the extreme discomfort. I finally understand what you mean by calling it subconscious reprogramming.

[@shubikl9826]

I've been bingewatching your content, and seriously love your channel. Not only it's enlightening but so well articulated . Tried to find books on the topic yesterday and stumbled upon your book. Needless to say it's meant to be delivered today. You're doing valuable work. Thanks!

[@redrumax]

what book is that? and how was it?

[@shubikl9826]

@@redrumax « Attachment theory » by Thais Gibson. I would also recommend « Attached » by Amir Levine

[@redrumax]

@@shubikl9826 Thank you!

[@semiprecious007]

I would like to tweak and add one key point to the list: they *verbalize* their needs! In my experience the DA’s show their needs in actions (at least when it comes to having space and wanting contact) early on, and feeling it out if you are receptive and mature to understanding and respecting their action queues or not (maybe to feel out how much trust they can put on you with being more direct). So I’d say that they communicate quite a lot outside of the verbal realm!

[@emankhashan7411]

I think I am an avoiding person .. I truly care but I really need acceptance. .when I'm accepted I feel safe and I can give and open

[@frenchydomi3401]

Please how do you feel accepted ?

[@emankhashan7411]

@@frenchydomi3401 I need to feel accepted and loved as I am without my partner trying to change everything about me.. Accept my flaws and welcome my imperfections

[@frenchydomi3401]

@@emankhashan7411 thanks for your anser ;)

[@emankhashan7411]

@@frenchydomi3401 :-)

[@onewiththeuniverse1283]

it's hard for me to accept my partner as who he is when he keeps finding my flaws and using them as valid reasons why he shouldn't love me much, and badmouths me behind my back.

[@HadashiMartialArts]

I feel cautious about showing positive affirmation with my DA because I don't know if I'm going to push her away or not.

[@Meli-ul9zt]

Right? It seems like the more affectionate or warm you get the more you start to push them away but then it feels like you’re not being authentic if you just try to be detached

[@purplemidnight1571]

I agree I'm scared to push him away sometimes... How to compliment or praise a DA without scaring them away? Lol

[@martinrehout9121]

Hey guys, I feel like I can clarify this for you from experience. It is certainly true that some attachment styles may have a tendency to overdo it. I was guilty of this in the past where the need to show someone affection would come from an underlying wound beneath all the seeming love, where I wouldn’t be able to trust the other person completely and it would be almost a form of control. It is certainly beneficial to be mindful of this mechanism and make sure we aren’t smothering our partners out of a wounded insecure space. However it is equally as important to acknowledge that if your DA partner feels smothered it is their responsibility to communicate this. Why? Because if we are tiptoeing around our partner and forever wondering whether what we are doing the right amount of affection, it is coming from the same space of mistrust anyway and as such will take on the same quality of covertly trying to control the behaviour of your partner out of the fear of rejection, abandonment, pain and loss. Perhaps one of the most mature questions that cultivate healthy relationships is the question of ‘Am I willing to lose my partner?’ As this question ensures that whatever relationship does or does not happen will be embraced only under the circumstances that are healthy for both individuals, which is the cornerstone of interdependence. If you are willing to lose your partner, it doesn’t mean you don’t love them enough or that the relationship isn’t worth it, it merely suggests a commitment to the wellbeing of both individuals beyond the idea of the roles you will be playing in each other’s lives. Hope this helps :)

[@Meli-ul9zt]

Martin Rehout thank you❤️❤️ very insightful

[@potchakz]

DA here. I know I often fail at returning positive affirmation, but I remember them well. It’s very important for me to know that as it is a measure that I’m capable and making my partner happy.

[@PharaMichelle]

This is very timely! Thank you, Thais. :)

[@hshfyugaewfjkKS]

Incredibly insightful and helpful Thais. Thanks for all you do.

[@lissacablerware8475]

This was very helpful and gave me some skills to be a better person in understanding a recent long term DA relationship and my part in it.

[@kaym3359]

Mine said he wanted to work on things- and then I had a bad day and talked to him about it- the next day he distanced himself, then said he has a lot going on, and then he said that he wants to be friends. All within one week.

[@marinawakid2406]

Hi Thaïs! :) A video on signs that a fearful avoidant is ready for love would be great too!

[@leolady8114]

This has been unbelievably helpful!!!!

[@martinrehout9121]

One of the most beautiful and important videos for me to have seen here, thanks Thais you did it again :)) ❤️❤️❤️

[@jamesgraves9858]

As soon as they're ready they will just as quickly not be lol

[@suryamitra2410]

This video is very helpful for me and it gives me hope, as my D.A shows the positive signs. Thank you.

[@anointedwoman468]

Great video and very accurate, as usual!

[@thegenevasays]

Wow this was right on time and super helpful. I'm an AA and I often struggle to understand how to take things from the DA I'm dating but he's 7/7!

[@TatiTalks]

This was really helpful, Thais.

[@bakekay21]

I love your videos! what a great resource! and I'm grateful to recognize my progress! and have reinforcement, tools and information to support my progress. do you have workbooks for couples?

[@sara_sofia_1984]

Thank you Thais, this was really helpful for me

[@mylothebigkid]

Very useful videos & information thank you for what you do!!!

[@bbjudyfit]

This is a REALLY great video. Thank you. I'm becoming secure 🥰

[@honour6524]

Thank you Thais great content as always.

[@j.a.1239]

This is so helpful. Thank you!

[@charchar7675]

Thank you for creating this channel ♥️😘

[@komlat253]

I love your work. Its behavioral psychology is my passion and study so like it conforms what i see .so like to here your observations.

[@TafadzwaZifamba94]

Please also do one for fearful avoidants 🙂

[@TruthofLove]

What’s your opinion on how individuals deal with the concept of others not “doing the work” ? There is a sunk cost that most people have associated with relationships. Keep up the good work Thais!

[@socialmimicry]

I find it interesting that a lot of dismissive avoidants have actually been in relationships. I wonder if I am on the very extreme end, as I have never entered into a relationship nor had relations with others. I am also not someone in my late teens/early twenties. I am of an age where most of my peers are married and have small children. So, it's interesting to hear of other DA's who are or who have been in relationships and how they act in them. I am interested to learn about how DA's function at work... the issues that can arise there...not so much this romantic stuff.

[@redrumax]

I know a DA who is in his 30s and still a virgin as every time someone gets close he freaks and runs away.

[@vedaseshan3948]

Great video👍 Thank You

[@jamieyoung7986]

Ooop thanks for the disclaimer in the beginning my therapist has told me the same thing. If they won't make an effort its not my fault and I can't force it. Saved me 12 minutes lol

[@kunalmalhotra2290]

Can you make an updated video on the Anxious-DA relationship dynamic and what are all the things the Anxious partner can do to enhance the DA’s experience along w making them feel safe and comfortable? Also how to show your DA partner that commitment can be healthy if they are against it at the moment & what can the partner do to help that situation?

[@troyschouest4359]

Yes as an anxious partner of a DA partner it would be helpful to have a training on what can I do to give the space and keep them from feeling trapped or smothered. How does one show support and ask for it at the same time to where the DA is not overwhelmed and runs away. I have been in an on again off again AA/DA relationship for over 10 years now. Now that I have recently begun this journey toward SA I am curious as to what I can do to get my needs met while meeting the needs of my DA partner.

[@lisawentworth6831]

@@troyschouest4359Yes, but on again off again for ten years...that doesn't sound like a very good life! Bot sides need to do the work to changed the bad attachment style. I have patience with my DA, but 10 of this, with him pulling away unwilling to commit? I don't think I can handle that...life is too short. What about marriage/kids/growing old together?

[@ingridlibera5985]

I broke up with my DA boyfriend about 3 months ago because he couldn't "see" himself and how toxic his behaviour was. 1 month ago we ended our no-contact phase and he has exhibited everything you've mentioned in this video, is in therapy, and going above and beyond what I would have hoped for. He's working so hard to get me back and I sense a true change. However, I'm having a really hard time letting go of how hurtful his behaviour was towards me and I'm very afraid it's going to happen again. Any tips on how to overcome this? Because I do want to work towards the future he now seems to be capable of developing with me. As you mentioned in this video, it is self-sabotage to view them through the lens of the past, but what he did was so hurtful. Am I letting myself down by letting him back into my life or am I letting myself down by currently pushing him away?

[@kristinadetmer8332]

Hi Ingrid, would you mind updating how things worked out after he entered therapy and said he would put in the work? It’s been a year since your comment and wondering how it worked out.

[@ingridlibera5985]

@@kristinadetmer8332 Hey Kristina! I'm happy to say things are better than ever. He was true to his word and has been nothing but forthcoming about his feelings, needs, as well as incredibly affectionate and solid for me. This has become by far the healthiest relationship I have been in and I'm slowly starting to feel confident about taking steps towards a future with him. To be honest, a year ago I would not have anticipated this... But he continues to prove his dependability and willingness

[@kristinadetmer8332]

@Ingrid Libera That’s so wonderful, happy to hear it!! Also thank you for replying to my question :)

[@bbjudyfit]

​@@ingridlibera5985 aweeee❤❤

[@thevent8059]

@@ingridlibera5985update? 😊

[@karenthompson5539]

Thank you for helping me to better understand why a DA friend who seemed interested has distanced from me (AP). So confusing.

[@1cindyr]

Thank you, Thais

[@tulip5210]

Thank you for this

[@skylar1727]

This should also be titled, when they are ready to grow up because a lot of this is just someone is really immature.

[@neredan1182]

exactly. sometimes i feel like i speak to a 15year old lol

[@Cheryl9675]

My Dismissive Avoidant loves my affection and often initiates it. He, however, is incapable of giving me compliments. He's given me a compliment once when kissing me. That was it. He's not willing to put in the work to heal to a more secure style. I've brought up Avoidant Attachment Style. He responded, "It makes sense," as we broke up. At age 48, he's had a LONG time to perfect this lifestyle. He's so severe that he doesn't even have friends. He's an attractive man and he's smart and physically fit and funny. He could really live a fulfilling life. Actually, maybe he is, in his own way.

[@janefaceinthewind6260]

Thais, the thing is though that sometimes someone may love us and at the same time associate working on things as conflict which they want to avoid. I think my ex has PTSD. Talking about stuff just freaks him out.

[@jeremynicholls5810]

Hi there. I would like to see if it is possible to have some suggestions on how to build and creat a deeper connection with an ex DA to make them understand that it is safe for them to connect and re engage conversations to possibly rekindle and start a new and amazing relationship. Connect is my focus and want to start speaking more again and securely have connections so we can get somewhere.

[@nogalistictuber7166]

Please make a course on Limerence 🙏

[@LaGataSolar]

Would it be ok to tell the person with whom we’re sharing our needs that we may come off a little nervous because it is so new to us? Sometimes I repeat myself and never get to the point because of it

[@joykorshiwor699]

I broke up with a DA thinking he just didn't like me. We were together for just a short while but it's so hard for me to process😭. My hopes were too high. Like it's just hard

[@nadineo1983]

I think my boyfriend may be a dissmissive avoident 🤯. I think he may be ready for love. This makes so much sense.

[@geethw7083]

Aw, this made me happy, my partner had the first 5 lol It's crazy but it's possible!

[@amag6889]

Congrats👍

[@switz4165]

3 months later, how are you doing?

[@geethw7083]

@@switz4165 we broke up ahaha

[@switz4165]

@@geethw7083 oh.. sorry..

[@geethw7083]

@@switz4165 ahah it's okay, it's for the best

[@abby4027]

Can you do this for anxious attachment?

[@a.d.b535]

My ex DA wasn't interested in learning about improving relationships.

[@TheSaz16]

My partner of 3 years is DA and I would like to move in together this year, we’ve discussed it before and he’s very fearful of living with someone again after a bad relationship. Has anyone else had the same experience? We’ve both grown a lot and I don’t know how to help him overcome his fear. Any advice? I’m FA. Thank you.

[@Egyptianfaith]

Don't move in till marriage. Trust me.

[@programmersurfdude]

I’m very certain I have DA attachment. I need some help, I’m stonewalling and removing everyone on my life. I’ve lost most of my family and friends and I don’t know what to do anymore

[@Vanibabi973]

Why do you thinking your stonewalling. Has someone hurt you or has someone bonded and gotten close to you?

[@programmersurfdude]

@@Vanibabi973 yes, in fact my situation has only gotten worse since I posted. My twin brother has threatened to take my life many times and my parents never did anything to stop him despite my pleas. Growing up I felt neglected and my older siblings never stood up for me. My ex ex cheated on me, and my previous ex psychologically abused and manipulated me for 2.5 years. Before I met her, I was the happiest I had ever been, but I started to feel the relationship go south and I tried to leave 7 times but she would always find a way to guilt trip me and she sexually assaulted me in public as well (police even caught on and I was humiliated). For reference I’m 21 and still live at home with my family (besides me dad who I’ve looked up to for most of my life who I found out is a serial liar and narcissist). Yeah my life just turned to shit within the last 2-3 years. Also I just dropped out of my first quarter studying my dream subject at one of the universities I’ve always wanted to go to because of depression in the last few weeks. I was doing great GPA wise but couldn’t keep up with the stressed and just dropped

[@Vanibabi973]

@@programmersurfdude your self protecting and in survival mode. Your family is abusive. Id say talk to a college counselor to start a new support system. Make the effort to let out this pain in a safe environment. Are you working? If so can you move out and be a roommate somewhere. With a classmate, a friend or even look up on advertisements. Like Craigslist. You dont have to be friends with the landlord, u just have to be polite. You need a room so you can at least finish school in peace. Tbh you will have to cut off from this family. Its gonna get lonely but it will be peaceful. Hang in there. Then I suggest positive affirmations day and night to reprogram you subconscious mind and also once your free from your sources of pain, to then give people a chance again to reconnect with you. So your focus right now is sxhool counseling and to get a new place. Get a job to payfor your room and food and what ever else you need. It does get better, but you will have to let go of the only family you know and really start making a new support system. Pick positive, uplifting people, make sure you rrturn the tlc back to them when they give you tlc. This will nuture your good relationships and will teach you how to accept love and give love. You can do this ok

[@manthesecond]

Damn he’s really trying I kinda wanna have a good cry now lol.

[@smiths698]

I think my ex DA was ready for love at one point or was willing to try and I ruined it (I'm mostly fearful avoidant/anxious). But I think there was only a small window. I dumped him in the end. I often wonder if I'll hear from him again

[@motjon]

More than likely you will.

[@SK-no2pp]

You didn’t ruin it. You did the best you could knowing what you know. It takes 2 people’s love and commitment to build a relationship. Don’t take all the accountability

[@emotophobiccdd8006]

If he was only ready at one point then he wasn't really ready at all.

[@smiths698]

@@emotophobiccdd8006 this is probably very true.

[@smiths698]

@@SK-no2pp I'm more knowledgeable now but maybe it's a little late. The breakup is fresh so I'm still in the phase of self blame.

[@ginabraun8843]

1/3 thru, 1 example

[@GlowBeautyWellness]

Any idea why a dismissive avoidant would not send you items left at their house after saying that they would after expressing they aren't willing to make changes to make the relationship work?

[@Taki_Rad]

Wow. This is my exact same situation. However I’ve asked him to come & pick up his things numerous times & everytime he comes he asks to leave something here.. even though he shows no signs to get back together. Has never communicated a willingness to make things work. It’s frustrating and confusing.

[@emotophobiccdd8006]

It's called induced conversation! Like "I don't want talk to you...except for practical purposes". Funnily enough the timing of the practical purposes coincide with the psychological upper hand.... I have tried to educate my AA friend about this....

[@skylar1727]

Laziness?

[@LucaAnamaria]

Sounds manipulative in the sense that it gives the DA a low emotional investment reason / excuse for popping back into your life whenever it suits them.

[@LucaAnamaria]

Or it's a way to prevent / stall you from moving on.

[@nikkipvt403]

I’ve been in a relationship/situationship with someone I believe is DA. It’s been a really long 2 years, but he’s a wonderful man. We live at a distance, so we don’t see each other very often. When we see each other and we are sexual he deactivates for a longer amount of time than if we do dinner or hangout? Why? Getting too close?

[@LeeChrissy]

I'm FA and lean DA and I'd say yes...too vulnerable. Especially if there are a lot of feelings involved.

[@letscookfun5496]

Intro ends at around minute 3

[@kweisgerber]

What difference does it make if someone is ready for love but unlikely to get it?

[@longlivemj17]

I was thinking the same!!!

[@TheCoffeeCat]

Thais, is there any hope at all for a relationship where only the anxiously attached goes to therapy, studies and improves themselves, but the DA never does? Can an AA lead by example at all? Thanks!

[@floreccent7497]

The AA can lead by example, "you're the sum of the five people you hang around most" So you'll rub off on them unless they refuse and if they refuse then they'll leave. You also cant control who ELSE they are around, and because they're DA they'll likely distance themselves from things that make them "better, happier, well-off" I.e. remind them of their perceived ungreatness, unhappiness, or failures and gravitate towards harmful energy or behavior(misery loves company)

[@SK-no2pp]

You will have outgrown the relationship dynamic. You want a partner that fulfills your needs and wants. You’ll want mutual reciprocity

[@ST-xs1bg]

Why while some people are willing to do the work, some are not?

[@floreccent7497]

It's hard. Especially if they've (and their family) a lot of trauma. During the changes of neuroplasticity and subconscious intergration, you can re-live all your trauma, feel it just as deep, smell it, hear it from outside of yourself; it can push you to the edge of insanity(My brother died during this process).You'll have to face your deepest regrets, insecurities, fears(I went into some sort of psychosis and saw giant brown recluse spiders on my head, on my ankle, I got to the point I could lay down in my bed where I believed there were thousands of them, but I'm not afraid of spiders anymore. I was able to snap out of the delusion(not just that one) but some people aren't so lucky) the times you've hurt others as well as accept your soul which is usually the part that people hid behind the personality they've created(the ego to protect them); when that starts to be uncovered, the fear(fight or flight) comes up really strong. My father was always triggered by my mom because she was his mirror, but he never did the inner work and it was terrible.

[@SK-no2pp]

Not everyone wants to go through painful growth. It’s a choice

[@jonny5370]

So basically when DA does what a normal human being would do in a normal relationship, he or she is ready for love. Ouch. Why get into a relationship with a DA in the first place when plenty of people are normal in this world to start out with? Why torture yourself?

[@LeeChrissy]

I don't think we can help who we fall in love with. It can be so hard, but I'm a FA and personally think my attachment style is a lot harder to deal with. As loving as I am, I'm all over the place. At least DA's are pretty predictable. FA's are not. It really depends on the 2 people and how strong the love is.

[@flagirl0315]

@@LeeChrissy love isn’t enough and yes we can help who we choose to be with. DAs are not consistent, half distance and ghost which is what causes so much anxiety for even secure people

[@LeeChrissy]

@@flagirl0315 I said we can't help who we fall in love with, not we can't pick who we want to be with. I've been in love and chose not to be with some men. My DA is my best friend and just as wounded as I am. If anything, I'm the one who ghosts. Both of us are inconsistent so I can't hold that against him. But they're not all the same human. Lol The more my DA feels comfortable, the more is shows his affectionate side and vice versa. He just gets better and better and I'm here for it. Again, everyone is different and who we're partnered with makes a difference too.

[@flagirl0315]

@@LeeChrissy that doesn’t sound very healthy lol

[@LeeChrissy]

@@flagirl0315 hence why I'm on here learning about FA and DA attachment styles to have a better understanding as to why we are the way we are and to do better. 😳 The dynamic I described above is no longer relevant in our current situation because a lot of work and healing went into making us love and care for each other on a deeper level and not be plagued by our childhood scars and past relationships. Why are you on here watching these videos? To heal too I hope.

[@vala8802]

Why does my DA ex change his bios on social media into song lyrics about me and changed his name on instagram to a nickname i used to call him, when he doesnt answer my message? I dont get it. He started acting like this after I sent him a long apology and asked to talk.

[@floreccent7497]

Sometimes people want you to know that they're thinking of you without having to face the situation head on or talk about it. Sometimes if my SO doesn't answer after an argument I'll change his chat name to my nickname for him just so he knows I'm still thinking of him and he will keep reading my messages because he knows I know that if he's really "done", he'll "ignore" the message (he knows how to read a message without the read receipts). He might just want to take time to get his thoughts and feelings straight without you thinking it's over and moving on. Do I think he should let you know what's going on? Yes, but some people just don't do that, idky. Don't take this as facts though, I speaking from my own experience

[@SK-no2pp]

kzbin.info/www/bejne/iIKlq5mai8uGh7s

[@redrumax]

manipulative

[@lynsy4054]

I wish I've seen this video a year ago...😩 or maybe it's not meant to be😭

[@austinnguyen9107]

2:25 9:20 9:58 10:08

[@alexandervelasquez9780]

Just don’t

[@The1TheOnlyK]

Came back to this video to say My current man/future hubby: 7 Everyone who came before: 0

[@mlovett67]

Can we have a version of this I can share with my avoidant partner that doesn't include a huge infomercial about sales and what you are selling?

[@abes2758]

Pretty rude comment given this woman is trying to run an actual business and ALSO putting videos up all the time for free. So hush up! Stop being so rude!

[@Megumi07]

A dismissive avoidant is NOT truly ready for love, simply because if they really were, they wouldn’t have a avoidant attachment style, they would have healed it to have a secure attachment style. However, they could have reached a place where they can at least meet you at a reasonable place, and meeting your needs.

[@lazyjane1223]

well said.

[@warmhart2034]

I think it's a case of love you, but I don't want to love you At times, there is a breakthrough in love but then it will be followed by a long period of pull back. Say in 1 week, there's 1 day of closeness/intimacy followed by 6 days of none!!! I want more!!!😩😫

[@danielstjohn795]

😟🥺

[@abdelben2252]

In other words heal your CODEPENDANCY and it will get better.

[@ligyasouza755]

Its difficult to understand your voice

[@tc4853]

That is not a real relationship, one sided , to emotionally not good find someone else

[@NeqMed]

I won’t view these videos anymore, first four minutes is a always a sales pitch.

[@LemansSunset350]

These videos are FREE. How do you expect her to earn a living so she can continue to make these videos for everyone for FREE???? 🤔