Fearful Avoidant | The Profound Fear of Helplessness

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Do you have the fear of relying on others?

[@jerrykasinger8621]

Most definitely do! Have a hard time delegating. Have a hard time finding middle ground. I either go all in and delegate too much... or won't delegate any and just handle it myself... Then I get overwhelmed, need more time to take care of it, break prior commitments to make it happen. Then people won't trust me to follow through... And round and round we go. That's actually a previous pattern, I'm getting way better these days . PDS has helped me learn how to level out quite a bit. When I was a dad with young kids I was used to just do everything myself period had a hard time learning how much to delegate,, So that they would learn, without overdoing it and giving them too much When I looked at the title of the video, I didn't think it applied to me but I wanted to watch it anyways . when we got into it , I could really see this in myself

[@angelam.e.richardson3501]

Because I had to fight for independence I feel insulted if someone wants to do for me something I can do for myself. I feel they're treating me like a child.

[@angelam.e.richardson3501]

@@jerrykasinger8621 Me too. They may not do it right (ie as I would!) And if they would, why are they doing it and not me! 😂 It's about independence and control.

[@lunkerjunkie]

so ashamed of my situation I fear being judged by anybody I would ask for help to improve my situation.

[@angelam.e.richardson3501]

I appreciate having someone to help me with something I can't do on my own, but I find it hard to ask.

[@spacegirl226]

I don't like asking people for help because the majority of people around me aren't safe and are unreliable. Why bother asking for help from people who you KNOW will not help you? I'm doing what I can to have healthier people around me and to be a healthy person myself. It really does feel like EVERYONE is unhealthy these days and trying to find better and build with them is tricky. Our society is very, very sick. Thank you, Thais.

[@sarahg4091]

Agree. There is so much baggage and damage out there. It is mindblowing. It’s hard not to want to have a small, careful, tight circle. And yet danger still abounds.

[@StudioSGS]

It's so sad. I didn't use to feel this way. I want to believe people are generally inherently good, but awful things keep happening bc of bad actors. It really makes it hard to trust. And everyone is so guarded it's nearly impossible to even connect, much less get to the point to vet someone. If you get lucky and manage to get that far in, you're already sunk....

[@BEAUTYxISxFOREVER]

I would challenge this. Of course, In a modern world, i think everyone has some level of insecurity, unprocessed trauma, and/or unhealthy habits. No one is perfect. Do you feel like you are perfectly healthy? If not, don’t you still think you could offer good advice to someone, despite your trauma? I think this mindset is the very thing that puts as FA’s in a state of learned helplessness. I used to think this as well, but I would surprised myself when I allowed myself to open up a bit to people i knew loved me, but thought didn’t understand me. I still struggle with this I will say, there are specific people I have now chosen to look to, depending on the need. Do I just need someone to consol me? My sister is perfect for that. Do I need relationship advice? My adult friends in committed relationships can help w that (even if those relationships aren’t perfect, and there are insecurities). I used to think I was alone and no one understood, but that’s because I never allowed anyone to.

[@henryzhao4622]

Ghosting someone you love bc you fear of a bad relationship in the past being repeated in a new one

[@patriciaa2976]

I don't ask for help because of the fear that someone will say no and i will feel let down. This happened alot during my childhood and with most romantic partners. When i asked for help from bfriends they made me feel like i was asking to much of them. Made me feel ashamed asking for help. That feeling is devastating for me so i lashed out became resentful and ended the relationship.

[@yamieden4350]

When fearful avoidants speak aloud do they hear themselves? Like um I'm never gonna ask for help because if someone says no then I'm rejected? I mean honestly

[@shantellgonzalez7916]

Whew I feel your pain! Same thing happens with me! 😅

[@TesriaT]

@@yamieden4350 Hey, I get where you're coming from, I guess this sounds silly when you're not dealing with this issue. But when you've been rejected in 1000 ways, and when your experience is of the most basic things about you being rejected by the people who were *supposed* to help you and keep you safe, then you can end up in a situation where you're dealing with overwhelming emotions every time that "truth" seems to be reinforced - that no one cares about you, that you're not worth helping, etc. It takes time to recalibrate the sensor, so to speak.

[@patriciaa2976]

@@TesriaT Couldn't have said it better

[@honeymoney23]

This!!! Everybody acts like there's something wrong with you for needing help so you learn to just stop asking

[@henryzhao4622]

NEVER do to others what you fear they will do to you.

[@BeHappyNoMatterWhat]

Usually what we fear from others is what we are already doing to others or ourselves.

[@section9999]

Feeling like a burden and like we'll be indebted forever. 💯

[@honeymoney23]

100000%. It's not even just the belief that now I "owe" you something but that I'll be indebted for life!! 😭😭😭

[@Locut0s]

I think what I fear in getting into a relationship is recreating the enmeshed relationship I had with my parents that lacked boundaries. I felt so smothered and controlled and unable to be an individual, it took so long to extricate myself and start to build a sense of myself. I find myself terrified now if I get romantically close to someone and start to lower my walls that I’m going to lose myself again.

[@angelam.e.richardson3501]

I feel I had to fight for independence

[@angelam.e.richardson3501]

because I wasn't allowed to have opinions or do anything without permission. Wrll at least that's how it feels looking back. I have only just realised that I still don't allow myself to do anything that might appear self-promoting unless I've been asked to, or 'given permission'. And I have always treated myself the same way! I was always taught being spoilt was an awful thing, or doing or having things for yourself if it's not your birthday, unless you've saved up your own money for it. Things that could be seen as 'treats' as a child, like watching a film, cooking something special or going out somewhere nice, are for treating other people, so I realise that now as an adult if there's only me they go on the back burner till I have someone to share them with or treat to them. This is a kind of learned helplessness and has held me back without me realising.

[@blurglide]

I'm so used to being self sufficient I don't even know what I need.

[@emilyb5557]

Maybe notice what other people ask for help with around you. And think - would this be easier or nice with someone as your threshold for "need help" might be so high it will rarely occur.

[@yukiwhitley]

maybe a video on vetting people for emotional safety would be good... blanket encouragements to be vulnerable can intensify trust issues and hyperindependence over time, when it's not being applied with the skillset of discerning/selecting what to share, with whom. social-relational titles like "family" or "spouse" does not guarantee emotional safety. people who are hyperindependent often subconsciously select social relationships with people who respond to vulnerability in abrasive/unkind ways.

[@namelessbrat7197]

Very true. I would be interested in such content as well.

[@honeymoney23]

Yeeess!!! I second this @thepersonaldevelopmentschool

[@alessiapatane8391]

Omg this video might change my life, every single word and concept not only makes sense but it's so on spot! Jeeeeeeeeeeeee

[@kylepotwin7570]

I have a fear of asking for things, and I can seriously can relate to this. I experience a lot of one way relationships.

[@anzelaiv]

This is so on point. All of it. ❤

[@nahomelion]

She delivers all the freaking time! Our angel

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Glad you like it!

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

❤@@nahomelion

[@Jae-by3hf]

Thank you so much for the language to use at the end! I have a hard time figuring out what to say, I am socially awkward/autistic so I don’t know how to communicate my needs well. Do you have videos in your community on this? I appreciate that this may not be your domain, but I don’t think I have a problem asking for help with someone I feel safe with, but others I just won’t bother. Also I don’t know when is an appropriate time to be vulnerable/ ask for help.

[@emilyb5557]

Hey, I don't think there is a video yet specifically for autistic people, although we had a great interactive webinar on ADHD and attachment recently. Thais n co do respond to requests. But - a lot of modules have really clear examples of how to communicate something, the sequence of things to say and also things like when is a good time to say certain things has definitely been mentioned. There are "communication scripts" for loads of situations that you might find handy too. There are weekly communication circles so you could listen in on these to hear the discussions about how to phrase things or when or you could ask for help with something you want to communicate. PDS membership is so interactive if you want it to be via groups or interaction on chat in webinar you can hopefully learn lots and build confident ❤

[@honeymoney23]

Thank you Thais!!! Please make more videos on learned helplessness ❤️❤️

[@aprilsworld9562]

I often wonder where my fear of asking and receiving help comes from. Because i wasnt parentfied as a child , as im the youngest. This is something i must meditate on.

[@jerrykasinger8621]

Well... that shed light on some things

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

❤

[@roshalllambert]

I loved this video and the point about loneliness!!

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Thanks San ❤

[@MostlyCloudy]

I FEEL SEEN

[@nahomelion]

Same. I am secure in other relationships but at work if my boss I suspect is a narc. then this helplessness and feeling trapped core wound gets triggered. I’m learning that healing core wounds in all relationships is important as opposed to just healing from a perspective of romantic relationships or friendships alone.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

❤

[@dr.florence]

I'd love to know the difference (if any) between introversion and FDA. Also in the mix: high functioning autism. Thanks 🌸

[@koala01111986]

And then when the FA finds someone that wants to reciprocate, is present, wants to treat him/she good, wants to be a partnership, a team, then the FA runs away anyway...

[@_Trakman]

WHO CAN I PRACTICE WITH??!!

[@jeremiahjohnson191]

How do I best contact you for a session ?

[@lorylovesmakeup2]

Hello Thais! Can you please do some in-depth videos on getting back together with a FA? I'm AP and me and my FA ex broke up about 7 months ago. We recently starting talking again a few weeks ago (after 6 months of no contact). He told me that he hasn't moved on from me but is very very scared to get back together (even though nothing bad happened for us to break up -- we both just need to heal). We hung out a few times in the past few weeks, but every time we hang out in person, he doesn't talk to me for a few days after. Like we will hang out Sunday for example, and then Monday Tuesday maybe even Wednesday he is very sporadic with texting and it makes me very scared since I'm AP. I need to communicate to him that I need more consistency with texting but I'm scared that he's going to feel pressured and leave. Can you please provide some advice on this and advice in general on getting back with an FA?

[@nahomelion]

She has a great course in PDS for this. Webinars too

[@lorylovesmakeup2]

@@nahomelion thank you!!! do u know what the exact course is called?

[@bang_bang4511]

Would like to know as well

[@kathym.248]

@@lorylovesmakeup2 For 'reconnecting' with someone again, search the word 'reconnection' and there is a webinar on each combo. Very good stuff. Then, for the relationships, there were two webinars on each combo: FA/FA, FA/DA, FA/AP etc., turned into a course, found under The FA/AP Relationship.....Now she's doing another round on each of those combos just this week and last, with new insights. These free ones here are all just teasers, but still very good, of course. There is way, way more in the school.

[@sadiqua7]

@@lorylovesmakeup2it’s called how to repair any relationship.

[@JacobCarlson-uq1my]

🙏🏻

[@GarrickPinon]

This is one of the ones so deep I only had the epiphany after reading the title to this video. 🫶🏽🙏🏽😱

[@nahomelion]

Omg I was gonna ask a question about this in PDS! Best timing for my problems haha 🩵