THIS Is Why Avoidant Attachment Styles Stay in Relationship Limbo

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Elevate your communication game and strengthen your relationships with the "Expressing your Needs: Scripts for Effective Communication" course. Free Black Friday Trial: 14 Days of All-Access to ALL PDS COURSES! kzbin.info?event=video_description&redir_token=QUFFLUhqbkQ1dVYtbnJCNzVBOEo0M2kxWWxMWF9yQUt6UXxBQ3Jtc0ttSmJ1eklac2xwY3dPeWV5cTVuUnNqZXdFMzVmSFdvOGljdy1KX2l0ak1YOXJLRWx1SlAzSjZZU1oxQ2dLT21FcHpGdnZKSDFTS3pCT3dNRlhZMll6RWZTRTg0ckRrWTVWNnRWU3RZS0VSbUxRVlpiRQ&q=https%3A%2F%2Fattachment.personaldevelopmentschool.com%2Fblack-friday%3FDyoutube%26Dorganic%26Dblack-friday%26Dorganic%26DThfpgNucKCQ%26Dyt-11-10-24%26el%3Dyoutube&v=ThfpgNucKCQ

[@cosmopolitan4043]

Currently dealing with this and it’s brutal on my end. The leading me on only to then go into indifference is mind boggling. I hate the emotional roller coaster. Stress levels are at an all time high. No sign of caring It is exhausting

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

That sounds exhausting, and it’s understandable how it would raise stress. Wishing you peace and clarity as you navigate this situation. 💜

[@HustleHabit]

Not being able to resolve a conflict equating to wanting a perfect partner so there would be no conflict was a good point...

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Yes! Wanting a “perfect” relationship to avoid conflict is definitely relatable for many. It’s a great reminder that conflicts can be healthy when worked through.

[@IanuaDiaboli]

Being with an avoidant made me give up on relationships completely.

[@kyky4eva]

It’s not good for my mental health or my nervous system

[@Nicholedimples6025]

😮 I am feeling the same way..

[@atmodlee]

Definitely the wrong takeaway

[@kyky4eva]

I feel the same way you’re so mentally exhausted and fed up that you question everything and everyone including yourself. The gaslighting, stonewalling, and silent treatment over a long span of time caused pain that is literally gut wrenching. I’m dating my peace. Every night I lay down I Invite peace to come lay next to me and that’s how I’m surviving this mess

[@Kmahersh01]

Same. 4.5 years with a fearful avoidant (Although I think I am an FA too). I finally left. It’s been two years since the breakup and I still miss him. I have no desire to date anyone now. He moved on into another long term relationship very quickly. My self esteem is squashed even though I left him.

[@nonenone-n3z]

Give ‘em clarity…say goodbye.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Simple and straightforward-sometimes clarity really is the kindest choice. 👍

[@Adakataba]

Watching this captivating video stirs up painful memories of the recent end of my 4 year relationship. My beloved partner chose to depart, leaving me with an unyielding ache. Despite my relentless efforts to reconcile, I find myself grappling with frustration and an inability to envision a future without him. Despite attempts to purge him from my mind, I remain haunted by his absence, feeling compelled to express my longing here.

[@Nancy2551-g6i]

It's hard to say goodbye to someone you love; I experienced this when my 12-year relationship ended. However, I couldn't just let him go; instead, I tried everything to win him back. Eventually, I turned to a spiritual counsellor for assistance, and he was able to help me win him back.

[@Adakataba]

Interesting! How did you locate a spiritual counsellor, and how can I get in touch with him most effectively?

[@Nancy2551-g6i]

His name is Father Obah Eze, and he is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.

[@Nancy2551-g6i]

he is father obah eze, he has great powers, he can help you.

[@Adakataba]

Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked him up now online. impressive Wow I just looked Father Obah Eze on the net he’s very legit thanks once again ❤

[@jayc2370]

Thank you. This was great. I fell in love with an avoidant and ignored all of the red flags. I had no idea it was even a thing until recently. She got me good and im struggling to find the man i was on our 1st date years ago. I convinced myself to let go of my needs make it work. That was a huge mistake. Its almost embarrassing to compare that man to this man. Grrrrrrrr

[@calebyoung9246]

What I really appreciate from Thais is she, and only one other person I have found, take the time to show how to have a healthy relationship with an avoidant whether they are FA or DA. Everyone else just says to run and leave them be as if they are some horrible narcissistic person.

[@Warrior_Princess_1111]

I agree and I'm about 99% sure it's because they were hurt by an avoidant or someone who just no longer wanted them so now they publicly scorn all avoidants. There's a couple of "coaches" who will actually hop in the comments to argue with you if you dare speak out against an anxious attachment and stick up for an avoidant. It's something. Thais is great. Very well rounded. ✨

[@Ennuisprinkles]

She absolutely does it bc it’s what content does well with anxious people. I watch them all, don’t get me wrong, but there is a demand she is catering to

[@The_Whimsical_Avoidant]

​@@Ennuisprinkles I think the difference is that she has a really optimistic yet realistic way of delivering the message. She's not wrapping us up in blankets with lullaby songs in the background. She keeps it really and tells people they need to take accountability for their toxic traits as well.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Absolutely-it’s so helpful when someone explains how to navigate these relationships instead of just advising to leave. Glad Thais’s approach resonates with you!

[@calebyoung9246]

My wife is FA leaning hard DA (sometimes I think she is DA) while I am secure and, yes, it can be difficult at times (other times downright exhausting) but she is not do anything intentionally. She does them because she is afraid of hurting me or letting me down in some way. It did have me becoming insecure in the relationship because I thought she didn't care. Now I know that she does but just does not know how to show it nor believes she can do things well.

[@suzm2208]

I've just left a dismissive avoidant after over 2 years together..Ive realised its a pattern of his. He was the complete opposite for the first 6 months then this detachment started. I've communicated it so msny times of what my needs are but i just get defensive shut down behaviour. Nothing changes so i had to walk away!

[@b-six-twelve]

Limbo is the perfect way of describing it. A friend of 11 years has started seemingly trying to steer our relationship in a romantic direction. He’s reported several past prospects telling him directly he was avoidant, and now I can see why. He will make these incredibly aggressive pushes into intimacy and the next moment, scare himself and pull away, often in ways that can be really insulting and hurtful. I’ve just been feeling like a stuck passenger getting emotional whiplash trying to decipher where the heck he’s coming from.

[@SaraX2024]

Emotional Whiplash is what I called it. If he was a friend before, revert to "friendship" and find a way to emotionally detach if you do not want to throw away this connection completely. That's what I did. Maybe, one day, they get their act together. Leave it up to him when he decides he's ready. Don't wait and put your life on hold though. By that time, you'll probably find yourself in a healthy relationship with someone else. Just make sure you are not stringing each other along in a fantasy.

[@wanderingrogue3039]

Literally just got discarded in a similar situation

[@SaraX2024]

@@wanderingrogue3039as soon as you reciprocate, they push you away even though they made all the attempts to get close to you when you maybe didn't want to initially. I wouldn't consider it a 'discard' if you have not been in an actual relationship but more in the get-to-know-each-other or love-bombing phase.

[@sugar4973]

@@SaraX2024I held on for over two years. It’s sad but, for once, I had to think of my own needs.

[@SaraX2024]

@@sugar4973 I sure learned a lot having been with a malignant narcissist. But I also learned a lot more on top when I got close to a DA. I'm thankful for the lessons that made me a more aware and secure person these days.

[@mamamuzic]

Okay, this is the ultimate video for me and my 10 year DA "relationship". Thank you for making it all make sense so clearly! I love the deadline idea, because it's a neverending ferris wheel that we can't get off of. Thank you so much!

[@omgcarsonnn]

It just feels really hurtful because it FEELS sooooo personal when it's being done to you in the moment and I really hate feeling that way because I am far from perfect but I feel like every DA I have had a relationship with can never take accountability for their own actions and I guess that would make sense because they're kind of living in La La Land with all of these expectations that are beyond unrealistic. I think it's so interesting, because they typically are very logical people so you would imagine they wouldn't spend a lot of their time thinking of such fanciful imaginations that could never be true such as a perfect relationship with no conflict. But like you said, I guess they do that because it's a way for them to subconsciously push you away because you're not perfect enough, so, therefore, why would they open up?

[@frankgeary7574]

I have been taking it personally too and it’s so hard. She even said we argue too much after not having an argument in about 3 months haha. I hope she finds that Hollywood movie feeling everyday!

[@Warrior_Princess_1111]

If you keep finding yourself dating avoidants, you should look into why. There's something in you that makes you continue this cycle of chasing after unavailable men. As for conflict, you're right. They don't like it. Approach is everything. Adults shouldn't be yelling or arguing or being passive aggressive or giving each other attitudes when angry. We also shouldn't be holding things in until we blow up. We should be able to speak calmly to one another and not put demands on others. I feel like people think that a relationship means they have a right to talk to their gf/bf differently than they talk to anyone else and that's not the relationship some of us want.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Such a thoughtful perspective! It’s true-logic and avoidance can create a surprising mix, making accountability hard to come by. Thanks for sharing your experience. 💜

[@Perfectpeace7]

Love your videos, so helpful. Thank you so much🙏🏻. And thank you to everyone who comments, helps to know I’m not alone. I just had my 1st avoidant experienced and was completely blind sided/ confused. Learning about the attachment styles has been so healing.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Learning about attachment styles can be such a revelation! Glad the videos and community are helping you through this confusing time. 🙏🏻

[@cjiwnf]

Thais, you are so amazing. Thank you so much for everything you have helped me to understand. It has been so big for me. I cant thank you enough. I hope you have an amazing day ❤

[@jamie-r2034]

I feel like that's where im at after 12 years with my ex. She broke it off by a text & kept saying there's something wrong with her & i was absolutely wonderful. She's been also depressed & says its hard to move on. Then finally says she misses me & it would hurt her if I moved on with someone else. Lol. We have a daughter & have got together a few times to hang out & it's like old, fun, family times. It's super confusing to me. We do have a strong bond/attachment to each other. I mentioned that after the holidays i may disappear from her life (not my daughter's life) just to work through the attachment & she mentioned that would hurt her but if that's what I need to do then fine. The whole thing is confusing. She's not a horrible monster which makes it hard too - we know each other better than anyone else so it's tough to just let someone go that you truly feel close to. Im one of the only people She's ever truly let into her life

[@suzanne2703]

I love this video, I love all the videos but this one i will watch again. I'm a FA dating a DA, communication is definitely something I need to work on. Its frustrating because he is a great guy and I know he cares about me, but I don't know of thats enough any more. I've made allowances and given him plenty of space but I think I've been enabling his attachment style at the decerement of myself. I feel now I need to work on my communication and give myself a deadline of change or walk away.

[@PainfullyMeAmandaLe]

13yrs together and I left about a month ago. He acts like it’s nothing while I’m still crying myself to sleep.

[@SK-no2pp]

13 years is a long time. I’m sorry! Do some work around grief. I’m working with a grief therapist now to process the loss

[@The_Whimsical_Avoidant]

If it helps, I'm sure he's feeling it. DA's process pain in a completely different way. If he truly loved you which I imagine he does after 13 years, he's hurting. Just silently.

[@robertadcox8419]

Key word is "act". He's feeling it and then some. Nobody can walk away after 13; years and feel nothing. Let him believe you are truly gone and you will get the real truth. I'm so tired of hearing how dismissive avoidants can hide their emotions and move on. They don't. They hurt like the rest of us.

[@btwthblood]

In this now! Thank you for this help.

[@marlenamccrimmon8281]

So how do you encourage someone who is clearly a DA to recognize they are a DA and to start working on themselves? I was secure until I met this person, a year ago, but became anxious because of this limbo dynamic. I have gone through the courses in PDS for myself and my attachment style(s) as well as that of the DA so I could understand him better. I have used all the tools recommended to communicate well with him but he just shuts down, and disappears.. today marks 11 days of being iced out/ghosted..whatever you want to call it. He’s a great guy and I adore him to pieces, I’d just like this cycle to end for his sake.

[@The_Whimsical_Avoidant]

With my DA and I, I took a lot of space to heal my attachment and when I came back more secure, it somehow calmed him and made him more secure with me in return. I never asked him to change. I did speak about me joining PDS and things I've learned about myself, but not in a way that insinuated he needed to check it out himself, but moreso showing that I recognize my flaws and I'm actively working on them. I'm usually in my masculine, but now for the first time in my life I am in my feminine and just make him feel loved. In turn, he's softened up so much so that his cuddling, loving words, affection and vulnerability is sometimes more than mine. Lol Attachment styles are on a spectrum so I can't say how it will pan out with your situation, just wanted to share my personal experience. Hope it helps!

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

That sounds so tough. You've put in a lot of effort to understand and communicate; I hope he finds the courage to meet you halfway. 🙏

[@marlenamccrimmon8281]

@@The_Whimsical_Avoidant Thank you for sharing your experience. I am not giving up, just taking the time to give him his space and continuing to work on myself. I truly do hope that things will work its way out.

[@marlenamccrimmon8281]

@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool Thank you! I am continuing to work on myself daily and I do hope things work out.

[@The_Whimsical_Avoidant]

@@marlenamccrimmon8281 so do I. You seem lovely. 💞

[@coachingwithkim5791]

Kmow when to let go.

[@imsunnybaby]

thank you

[@stephalafalafagus]

6+ years of this. Married. And I am the avoidant wife. It’s horrible. I’ve separated…finally it feels. And I think the next step is you know the thing that happens when you officially leave a marriage. Scared this may be the wrong decision. But also feel leaving now was the right decision.

[@acceleratedtrainingacademy]

This is so good

[@Ruth1v16]

Learning and growing!! Thank you 🙏

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Happy to hear! Thank you for your support! 💜

[@joncarillo2072]

I'm talking to an avoidant for almost a year now. The first two months were great. We saw each other and we had intimacy. Then i saw her every few months. Now i dont at all. I asked her alot in the past "what does she want from me, from this"? Her response is always the same, "I want you!". Even if I ask "do you want us to be a thing?" She would always say "I hope so". The problem I have is that we snap all the time but she never commits to see me or she doesn't try to see me. When i tell what my needs are the only response i get is "i understand". I don't know what to do because it's almost been a year now 😔

[@sherylsalazar4822]

Nah I'm good , I'll keep my independence

[@Stephanie-dp3us]

Didn't you say in another video not to give ultimatums essentially?

[@fairlyenjoyable]

The ultimatum is for you, not them.

[@sheilasheila2709]

They are good people but just too complicated.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

It’s true-sometimes, even wonderful people can have very complicated dynamics.

[@deepthoughts87-d4s]

Nicely put also as an AP its like in a messed up way i love you tell me what you need or if you need space but the guessing game is scary

[@taylorbee4010]

Last two years then she found and committed to an older man that had multiple women.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

That must have been tough to go through. Wishing you all the best moving forward. 💛

[@taylorbee4010]

@ still is. Kinda hoping a resolution happens in my favor. Why I’m back to this channel after ten years.

[@LookUpYourRedemptionDrawsNigh]

Sounds like she can only commit to an unavailable man

[@deepthoughts87-d4s]

​@@LookUpYourRedemptionDrawsNighbeen there

[@lv4tmnt90]

All I ever hear is how to work with avoidents. How come there isn't advice for avoidents on how to be more interdependent? I'm starting to feel like I am a problem that can't be fixed, and I have to hope a strong soul is willing to put the hard work into loving me.

[@dopiestbison371]

Hi I'm an AA and I've talking to a DA for a year still haven't met only texted. I want to see her I made the speach you suggested and she completely ignored it and told me she misses me. I asked her out to hangout and told her to take her time with her answer, any thoughts, thanks.

[@SaraX2024]

Somewhat the same. We only text. I'm secure and have become more secure in this dynamic because it taught me a lot about attachment. My DA truly pushed me into that anxious space though before until he told me he was diagnosed as DA and I was able to read up about it, so I learned how to navigate the situation and had to put up a boundary. Usually, it's that DAs suggest 'friendship', but I was the one who did to not throw our connection away completely. He's a good person and he's in therapy. So I said to him we can only be "friends" for now to avoid this emotional push-and-pull dynamic. We needed to emotionally detach, which was difficult, but I feel so much better now. I basically told him, "You tell me when you're ready and give me a time and date to meet." Ironically, it was him who suggested to hang out first, but he didn't really mean it, I guess, or his anxiety kicked in. If it ever happens, I don't know. My advice: find a way to emotionally detach from this person. Even if you want to maintain this connection and your DA starts only breadcrumbing you if she initiates contact. My DA friend always has an ear to listen when I have a problem, and he also has slowly trusted and opened up to me and answers personal questions. It's all long-distance via text only. I had him on the phone only twice and it were two wonderful conversations, but he then literally told me, the more he speaks with me on the phone the more he likes and falls for me and he's too afraid of that right now while he needs to heal. I think the only reason I haven't given up on him as a friend or whatsoever is because he's in therapy and very self-aware, he takes accountability. If your DA is not self-aware or working on herself, find a way to disconnect.

[@HustleHabit]

Do you know how many girls you could have met in a year? I suggest you look up codependency. She's stringing you along. Unfortunately, it's been so long, now you're probably hooked... Invite her out to something specific. If she says no, stop contacting her and let her come to you with a plan to meet. If she doesn't, you know where she stands and can begin the healing process of moving on with your life. Good luck.

[@SaraX2024]

@@HustleHabit Yes, they string people along. I'm at a point where I overtly make fun of the situation to him. Last time, I said, "We'll meet after your divorce has been finalized 10 years from now..." He sure knows I'm not taking any of this seriously anymore. It's important to emotionally detach and not enable a 'situationship'. I can do friendship if there's no move into a more connected direction, but not live in their 'fantasy relationship'. Just texting isn't enough. I can text with just anybody / friends.

[@donaldcodes]

I would move on. If a DA is interested enough they will definitely meetup. You have a pen pal right now.

[@Warrior_Princess_1111]

She's not interested in meeting up. Ever think it could be a catfish too? That could also be why. Either way, you're totally wasting your time.

[@sifublack192]

People will definitely waste your time. It's why I always see other women until a woman I'm interested in wants to commit. I've watched it unfold several times and the one pushing for commitment always ends up getting left. Had they continued seeing other people in the meantime, they likely would've found someone better for them. 🤷🏿‍♂️

[@tarkov_6]

....how can someone find someone better for them if everyone is not supposed to commit....🙄

[@sifublack192]

@tarkov_6 not what I said at all. 🙄 Go back and read it again for comprehension this time.

[@sifublack192]

@bulldogsghost-y1o says the "high value man" who only watches women on his laptop. 🤣🤣🤣

[@Warrior_Princess_1111]

​@@tarkov_6 was that a riddle? What does that mean and how does it apply to this man's comment?

[@Warrior_Princess_1111]

​@bulldogsghost-y1o you follow this man around on every post. Kinda weird.

[@JustMeAndMyBoy]

Too much intro

[@Eddybo22]

Thank you 🫡 Need this. I have poured enough. Have to now pull back, self sooth and have that discussion. We shall see what happens.