What Traits EVERY Avoidant Secretly Desires in A Partner 🤫❤️✨

[@sadiqua7]

100% accurate about them mistrusting your care and pushing you away. Whereas at first it draws them in, then they use it to push you away when they don’t feel they can reciprocate. The rub is all the reciprocal energy needed is to show up. Instead they check out and you’re left feeling taken for granted, unseen, and taken advantage of. Sad.

[@XxX-vi9if]

It's not always when they feel they "can't reciprocate." It's that they associate care and love with their abuse and so as a subconscious safety mechanism, they withdraw.

[@Viviennitta]

Yes, all because of their fears. They feel inadequate. They rob themselves of happiness that way. Taking responsibility would be enough, yet usually it's too much.

[@WrittenMysteries]

It’s never that simple. People often say all they want us to do is show up and be nice. But the truth is they keep demanding more affection.

[@Viviennitta]

@@WrittenMysteries that view is distorted by the avoidance itself. There's nothing wrong with asking for their needs being met = affection. It's not a demand. If one side is not even trying, then the relationship should end, because it's deeply unfulfilling. Neglect is traumatising for people.

[@WrittenMysteries]

@ and there it is. simply put it’s NOT enough to just be present, which is why avoidants don’t believe that line.

[@Audrey-k2h]

Avoidants value being alone Give then what they desire... space Find someone that is emotionally mature and healthy 😅

[@katalinmcewan]

💯!!!

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Focusing on emotional maturity and giving space can indeed be a healthy approach. Thanks for sharing this take-it’s a great reminder for navigating relationships.

[@warchyldelt167]

It's important to understand attachment theory, borderline personality disorder, and many other factors that impact a relationship. Often times we can end up abandoning ourselves in the pusuit of saving others from feeling abandoned. What I've learned is that if someone really wants you, they will move heaven and earth to make you a part of their world. They will make positive growth to enable a healthy relationship. I could be wrong...but relationships shouldn't be so much hard work. I get some people have issues growing up. Don't we all?

[@alaia-awakened]

I think I’d rather hone my healthy traits instead. I don’t think I can go for another round with an avoidant.

[@katalinmcewan]

It’s best to stay away from them. Only one line needed when it comes to education on avoidants. Run for your life and never look back.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Prioritizing your own growth and health is such a powerful decision. Wishing you all the best as you continue to strengthen your healthy traits 💜

[@SunShineLady-d4r]

Great 👍 video 📹 👏 thanks Thais. Makes perfect sense opposites do not attract. As people get older and mature, they need to grow emotionally, spiritually and relationally. A life without healthy growth is like a stump.

[@Coping_in_Copeland_Cope]

Great analogy. Mine is it's like getting in an airplane and flying around with no destination.

[@sinisterblister9981]

I believe that the thing about that traits that people of any attachment style were initially so attracted to and partners usually even mention that, later on (usually during power struggle stage or during the break up) cause a lot of resentment and are then suddenly the reason why partners lost attraction or the cause for a break up along other of course. This is something that I experienced during each relationship and break up. I truly believe also that if partners would focus early on in the relationship of implementing these traits that they are attracted to into their own and try to keep them, it would be so beneficial for communication and the well being of the relationship itself

[@WeepingWidowSueAna]

Do you have any videos on why the DA feels like they "owe you" when you just want to be loving and giving and what can do you do to take that feeling away from them? I am a naturally giving and loving person (caretaker and nurturing type) and feel sad and rejected when the DA that I am dating rejects my generosity or feels like he owes me something. This concept is so foreign to me. I love to give and expect nothing in return except maybe a genuine thank you and a good hug. I don't understand this notion of feeling like you "owe someone" for being generous or giving. I give because I love to give - it makes me feel good and like I am honoring the Lord. I don't want anyone to feel like they "owe me" anything. He refused some of the gifts I got him because he didn't want the amount he owed me to keep piling up. I don't understand this way of thinking at all. A gift is something that expects nothing in return. Why do they think they owe you for a gift? Is there any way to change this feeling in them? Thanks!

[@MilesIncognito]

This is all very kind of you, but the avoidant struggles to feel deserving and the more imbalance that is created this way, the more I think it will remind them they don't deserve all this. They want the relationship to feel balanced, and maybe even slightly tilted in their favor just so they can pre-emptively feel like they don't owe anything & can't have a debt called in. It will be very hard to overcome this worldview, I fear.

[@WeepingWidowSueAna]

@ Interesting way to look at it. Thank you for sharing this insight!

[@RayVenger]

Problem is you drawl them in and they seem emotionally available, and then they run for the hills randomly

[@100theDork]

And then back again…it’s at least consistent. Also I think I’m comfortable with people who dismiss me after I give them all my time.

[@hg3895]

There are ALWAYS clues, trust me. Lifestyle of avoiding close ones...only surface level intellectual conversations, compliments usually superficial (looks or intellect based compliments, nothing deeper). Slowly texts less overtime etc etc.

[@niv98]

When you communicate, it's fine for a while, they'll be the perfect partner to you, then boom. The cycle continues again.

[@Ddd-p3d]

@hg3895the less texts over time is so real. Why does that happen? They tend to reply slower as well

[@antoniacallas4370]

Please, for the love of all that is holy, do not try try to get your avoidant to love you. No "giving them space." Don't be the one who does all the work, don't try to be the person they desire. No tips, no tricks. Just stop. I can't believe everything is supposed to be on the other partner to do all the work. Just NO. I did it for years. And it doesn't work in the long run. You're wasting your time. They cannot love you the way you need. Leave them, no matter how hard, or they will break you in ways you can't even imagine.

[@padraigfarrell2413]

Just did thanks

[@melisaacord3430]

I was used to my DA stonewalling and disappearing when we would argue or I’d bring up concerns. This past Thursday, I was expressing to him, because we are going through something tough together right now, that we could get through anything together. That I would be by his side as his cheerleader. That I will never give up on us or abandon him. He ghosted. I’m so deeply hurt. We’ve been together a year now, and I’ve felt recently him pulling away from me. I feel like he’s not physically attracted to me or that he even likes me. It’s like he has one foot in one foot out. Like he’s keeping his options open by being active on a sex hookup site. It’s so devaluing and devastating. I just want to help him heal. I don’t want to give up, but I don’t know how much longer I can hold on.

[@WeepingWidowSueAna]

My heart goes out to you so much... I am so sorry. It hurts so terribly when we give and give and love and love and yet they just ignore us like we are nothing. Have you ever watched any of Adam Lane Smith's videos? He has some really good ones that are very encouraging. His channel (along with this one) is my favorite. I hope it helps you!

[@MariaArroyo-Segovia]

Leave him

[@naddyn685]

Lovely insightful video as always. Thank you. It feels like my avoidant partner has become more distant and aloof as the relationship has progressed to the 2 year stage. Not sure show much more of this I can take. I am a fearful avoidant. He is divorced. When his two children are not with him he reaches out to call me. Probably lonely. When there are with him he’s not bothered about being in touch…

[@MeganR-y6y]

Focusing on his kids is a good thing. As a parent myself, my kids will always be my first priority. Especially if he doesn’t have them full time, it sounds like he is spending quality time with him and likely has less energy to put into you.

[@Bulldogsrentfree-m7g]

These are good points, especially the trait integration advice. While I enjoy dating women who are supportive, I definitely want women to be just as supportive of themselves. I need a woman who can handle life on her own like I can so we can come together and slay. Great video!

[@sadiqua7]

Funny, that’s EXACTLY what I need from a man. Do you, I do me, we do we. Win win

[@Bulldogsrentfree-m7g]

@sadiqua7 "we do we" I gotta remember that one.

[@MIMIDSH]

What do you mean by handle her own life? Just curious. Do you mean the basics like pay your bills and manages herself and has some hobbies or do you mean a 100% independent with no need for you and you get together for fun.

[@Bulldogsrentfree-m7g]

@@MIMIDSH the latter. I work a ton so I need someone who can hold the fort when I'm not there.

[@cecilang9721]

@sifublack192, I’m curious, are you a person who would ever want marriage? Or having kids? Or even living together as financial and life partners? No judgement. I’m just super curious as to what your conscious mind has set forth as your “wants”. I could never hold a relationship with a clingy needy woman who wants me to pay their bills and take care of their kids from previous relationships etc etc. But it seems most men are ok with that?! Otherwise how do they end up with that? I mean you seem very intentional.

[@jamieostrowski4447]

Do these things also apply to fearful avoidants? Or is it just dismissive avoidants?

[@JustMeAndMyBoy]

And even better question … FA who lean DA?

[@johnnycalderon9951]

So.. they love in ppl all the things they cant offer ? 🤔 gave her all those she even questioned my selflessness which was crazy cuz i was there for her all the time. Even wen i didnt have to.

[@SummitMan165]

Very good episode ! Thanks for sharing !

[@glaresoares1382]

Loved this video❤

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Thank you, glad it's resonating with you!

[@bdtrap]

Before i even watch the video, I'm here to learn what not to show an avoidant and how to stop any attraction one might have to me. Seriously. Yes, I'm still bitter 😜

[@katalinmcewan]

Having experienced an extreme avoidant a couple of years ago, I’m totally with you on this. Since then I came across two, absolutely stunning and charming avoidants. I dropped them like hot potatoes and never looked back. Never making that mistake again!

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Appreciate your honesty! It’s natural to feel bitter at times, but the willingness to learn and adapt is a great starting point. Wishing you the best on this journey

[@workinprogress3085]

😂😂😂 I feel you

[@warchyldelt167]

You know what? it doesn't matter if someone is avoidant or anxious or secure. The truth is, if someone wants to be a part of your life and wants you in theirs, they will make it happen! All of these hacks and cheat codes go out the window. Keep it simple! Stay away from toxic relationships. It's not my fault that they had it tough. It's not your fault, so we need to stop making excuses for them. The key is to keep it simple.

[@warchyldelt167]

@bdtrap don't be bitter man. It's a learning curve. You'll meet someone who will want you as much as you want them. Take it easy and take your time.

[@rossmcintyre1328]

Nah just be yourself and it is up the avoidant to stop being immature and take responsibility for themselves. A lot of normal people have had a toxic upbringing so to speak and they don't go around treating other people like crap. If they go cold on you and then some time down the line decide to act nice and go cold again tell them straight up to their face that you are done. No more. Healthy people shouldn't have to bow down to child like adults. Life itself is a risk. Normal people give their support and all the other good stuff only to be discarded so it is not worth the hassle. Move on.

[@JustMeAndMyBoy]

When you say this specifically relates to the DA, does it also apply to FA who lean DA?

[@Ddd-p3d]

Yes

[@MIMIDSH]

A history of self-centered, dramatic, toxic women. Meets a loving, calm woman, says he's never felt so crazy about anyone before, and then dumps her for another toxic woman.

[@cecilang9721]

I’ve heard that people seek out what feels familiar even if familiar is BAD

[@WrittenMysteries]

An avoidant told you all his exes were overly dramatic, and you believed him?

[@MIMIDSH]

@@WrittenMysteries I met a couple of them, before I knew who they were.

[@blueberries9850]

What kind of people are attracted to Disorganized/FA people ?

[@WrittenMysteries]

This one didn’t resonate with me. If I’m drawn to what’s familiar or to people who treat me like I treat myself, why would I be drawn to warm supportive people?? Speaking for me personally I’ve never been drawn to the warm caring type. Not even a little. Those people give me the ick. I tend to be drawn to people who are stoic but generally supportive.

[@jimmyjames2797]

from your response, you must be dissimissive avoidant. You dissmiss anything that is out of your comfort zone thats why it doesn't resonate.

[@WrittenMysteries]

@ three DAs in this comment section all gave the same answer to what attracts us, and it wasn’t what Thais claimed. maybe stop insulting me and deal with that fact.

[@Bulldogsrentfree-m7g]

​@@WrittenMysteries and therein lies the problem. Instead of ASKING avoidants what they want, they're TELLING them what they want. When I say I don't need a woman to know everything about me I mean it. 🤷🏿‍♂️

[@Coping_in_Copeland_Cope]

​@@jimmyjames2797 listen to you dismissing someone else's comment because it doesn't align with your own perception of avoidants. How ironic. 🧐

[@jimmyjames2797]

@@WrittenMysteries I have not written any insults yet, but here is another classic sign of an avoidant, everything to them is criticism, and insulting. That just part of their abusive nature

[@jessicamorse620]

these are the kind of irresponsible clickbait titles i referred to in another video. stop encouraging anxious folks to change who they are in hopes they'll win their avoidant!

[@moderngoblin]

We value above all emotional control, self control, independence, strength, self confidence. Let me guess not a single one of these is mentioned.

[@WrittenMysteries]

Great list and spot on. Thais really missed this one. That emotional froth making people “warm” can quickly turn ice cold or even vindictive when they’re offended. No thanks.

[@jimmyjames2797]

interesting response if its coming from a dissmissive avoidant since that is an insecure style. It actually falls in line with what she said, they want exactly the opposite of them. Dissmissive avoidants do NOT have emotional control, the are emotionally neglectful, they do not have self control-they withdraw at any sign of vulnerability or closeness. They are not strong, they are weak and insecure by nature, and they absolutely lack self confidence that is why they are dissmissive and avoid.

[@WrittenMysteries]

@@jimmyjames2797 LOL

[@Bulldogsrentfree-m7g]

@@moderngoblin as someone who leans avoidant myself, this is true. I only began to really see how many broken people are out there within the last decade. Finding someone with your list is like finding a needle in a haystack; only someone forgot to put it there in the first place.

[@Coping_in_Copeland_Cope]

It's anxious attachers who lack self-confidence hence why you guys are starving for validation from others or you'll wither away like a plant without water. I won't be insulting and call you guys weak because people who do this are extremely insecure and just plain mean so I'll leave that to you. Perhaps fix your own insecure attachment before you school others. Telling a dismissive avoidant that you know better than them is kinda funny. ​@@jimmyjames2797

[@MinnieBlues4444]

He's already 8,000 miles away so it's twice as hard.

[@lccjr99]

Haha Go ahead, throw some more buzzwords in there.... Sure😂 I gaslight you because you tried to say that I couldn't see anything through another lens. Hilarious. I said I wasn't going to send you a paragraph back for something you obviously can't see. So what's the point in arguing with you about something that's a capability / capacity issue? Wait! I'm gaslighting you😅

[@RadhikaRadhika-ym7xr]

you probably shouldn’t read the book Magnetic Aura if you’re cool with missing out on how attraction really works.

[@jamescoffman8096]

Ok….I won’t

[@jessicamorse620]

@@jamescoffman8096 lol thanks for the laugh

[@Sambhajialdar]

seriously, don’t pick up the book Magnetic Aura unless you’re ready to see things differently, no joke.

[@sethtenrec]

Bot

[@vanshdeep5455]

Magnetic Aura book by Takeshi Mizuki ain’t for everyone, it’s for people who actually want to get ahead.

[@somer0703]

​@@palmiccz it's EVERYWHERE! I bet they're making a fortune😂 🙄

[@RamNathPatel-yj4xv]

don’t read the book Magnetic Aura by Takeshi Mizuki if you’re fine staying like everyone else, it’s not for you.

[@IshtarBellydancer]

And the only way to get secure is to stand in the heating up water and desensitize… so you can let go of avoidance or anxious preoccupied … the opposite end of your attachment is the opportunity to heal … so get used to discomfort … and one day the grit irritating the oyster will spit out a Pearl… no pain no gain…