Fearful Avoidant & Anxious Attachment: Fearless Expression of Feelings & Needs

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[@angie7.916]

Had to rewatch this one. 😳

[@PsychedPerspective]

This is so true! My mom always made me feel like it was such a burden for her to take care of me. Granted she never did lol my grandparents raised me lmao p

[@victoriabill9257]

Mine always made me feel that way too but never did - my siblings mostly raised me (and they were basically forced into it because no one else wanted to) ...

[@victoriabill9257]

@Ocean Flower I feel you. But you don't have to forgive to let it go. Something that helps me is remembering that I don't live like that anymore. It's over and I need to live in the here and now and take life as it is, without infusing past hurts and traumas into it. 🧘‍♀️

[@emmanolan1250]

This channel is the best on youtube thank soo much

[@H09800]

This channel is amazing

[@DaveE99]

What needs are you trying to meet by not fearlessly expressing your self? And what has not fearlessly expressing yourself cost you? I feel this should be a headspace reflection pack question.

[@justinoxton6790]

I wonder what the advice for people with aspergers is on this.

[@marotiem]

Finally, into my 44th year of my life someone describes me accurately! I have been looking for answers since forever why do I work the way I do. Thank you for this video. Every single word is so true!

[@honeymoney23]

Thais, you are a blessing!! Thank you for always giving PRACTICAL tools that we can begin immidiately. Your videos are the only hope I have in healing my attachment style. Thank You!

[@suzannem8265]

What I love about your videos is that it’s like taking an AP class. I’ve learned a lot of the basics but I feel that you provide examples and tools to deepen my understanding and providing opportunity for growth in this area. In particular I loved how you tied it all back to the fearful avoidant’s fear of abandonment. This was so chock full of information I’ve got to listen a few more times before I even take notes! 🙏🏻🥰

[@darray.]

I think we as FA's need to learn how to attract vs laying dormant and becoming objects of someones use. Put out energy. For me i think the benefits of setting boundaries would have been that id have lost friends a lot earlier in my life and figured who to draw closer to vs people pleasing to maintain friendships/relationships (mind you majority if not all of my friends are all complete selfish takers with zero care for my well being unless their benefiting). Constantly abandoning myself did nothing for me. Sure it made me feel safe in approval and being picked, but the cost was so much higher. Youre so much more susceptible to attracting narcissists when you dont express. FA's/AP's are almost like blank canvases waiting for someone to deface and create whatever narrative and image they want of you and once that narrative has been painted, you'll have no choice but to stay pidgeon holed because you want to stay safe for whichever reason. Killing yourself for safety. Thats a concept that makes zero sense if you ask me. Even if you want to create a new narrative of yourself when around those selfish friends, believe they will no allow it. They'll find ways to manipulate you away from growing, because they only have their own best interests at heart which is to eat off your plate. Dont chase people, chase the higher fearless happier enlightened version of you. When you find yourself, I believe you'll attract genuine energy. I just dont think anyones character should be surrounded around generosity. Its really just self abandonment. (And that isnt me saying generosity is bad, i just dont think you should make excessive generosity/self-abandonment your calling card). Do the work my fellow FA's and AP's and small tip thats done wonders for me, stop filling your quiet time with social media scrolling, sooner you realise that youre scrolling as a means to avoid facing yourself and your inner thoughts, the better. Have moments of doing nothing, thats when youre able to connect with the self and notice your consciousness to make better decisions either before a deed/situation or in hindsight.

[@bernadettemeade7259]

I resonate with Fearful Avoidant attachment, find it very hard to express my needs, fear of rejection. Not good at receiving gifts from men, feel beholden, guilted, punished as you said...if I tried to say no I would be punished physically or mentally questioned.

[@jhard406]

More please more videos on healthy family dynamics and getting better after not setting boundaries with kids

[@jhard406]

I’m almost in tears this one hit home

[@joshuaduggan3099]

Your videos are helping me a lot. Thanks !

[@yveqeshy]

The clarity on this video was eye opening especially on the idea that boundaries are an expression of what you do want to do or don't want to do, as an FA being able to Cleary understand this removes the guilt that comes with assertive myself because I fear that I'll be rejected. Thank you so much. Another thing I've been picking up is reparenting myself by learning how to communicate using models used on kids, since this was something that wasn't entirely done for me in a structured manner, I'm doing it for myself.

[@Spiral.Dynamics]

3:23 triggered 🥺 Our mom sang that Janet Jackson song to us whenever we asked her for anything “What have you done for me lately?” As if we were there to meet her needs and not her to meet ours.

[@glitteryapple6819]

🥶🥶🥶 that's insane

[@tulip5210]

I don’t feel like I give more then I receive, but if I receive I feel uncomfortable and will give.

[@ShadowsMasquerade]

Amazing all around, I hang onto your every word because there's so much truth in them. Can you cover the similarities between the fearful & the dismissive and how their avoidance manifests + what they can do to heal? Kind of like a "part 2" to this video. Other resources I use usually lump the avoidants together, while you are one of the few that doesn't so I'd love to hear your insight on that.

[@kathrynleannazuck9305]

I work with a therapist but its difficult cause I dont always have words for whats going on. Thank you for sharing.

[@ahobimo732]

My fear of abandonment is literally bigger than the visible universe. And it has done nothing but come true my entire life. I avoid self expression to avoid rejection. But repressing myself makes me a basket case that nobody can tolerate. And the costs? 😂 🤣 Hahahahaaaaaaaaaaaa....

[@ava9779]

why do you avoid self expression? if someone likes you,wouldn't you want to share it with them.

[@ahobimo732]

@@ava9779 The problem is the "if".

[@ava9779]

and if you find that someone? can you let them in

[@ahobimo732]

@@ava9779 I did once and it was the greatest happiness I've ever felt. Then they abandoned me, and it was the greatest pain I've ever felt. I don't think I could ever repeat that mistake.

[@janellejoy8243]

Such a catch 22 isn't it. It blew my mind when I realised that in vulnerability by truely showing yourself and when that is met with acceptance that is where true connection is made. I'd always feared showing up - fear of being too much, too intense incase of abandonment. But although a risk it's the only choice to know we are accepted.

[@BeHappyNoMatterWhat]

Thank you Thais. I was able to comfortably and kindly state my boundary yesterday to a friend and it felt so good and empowering. It also made me feel more connected to them, which I think is missing in so many of my relationships and why I struggle to feel connected at times. Thank you!

[@mrmree]

Maybe I've had too much internet; but dude. It's this kind of self help and Bdsm philosophy... thank 🖤

[@rachelfrts2788]

Ive spent the month diving into you’r videos! This is amazing. - thank you, Thais!!

[@lindseyweaver5247]

I just posted this on FB. This is exactly what I try to teach my friends when they have issues.

[@bryonyjones6713]

So spot on. Intellectually stimulating and helped me connect dots. You are phenomenal.

[@tubber]

This is another great video! It's so rich that i had to focus and repeat sections again and again lol

[@CosmicHealingGoddess]

Wow 🤦🏻‍♀️ this is incredible information! Now I understand the reason I’ve had horrible relationships. This is absolutely beautiful. Thanks so much Thais ♥️🙏🏻 definitely going to use these tools depicted here to heal internal wounds of abandonment. What a gift this has been. These videos are life-changing!

[@patrickwilliams7552]

So good. Thank you so much for all your amazing content!

[@balkaur3714]

I having been looking at your tube session and really found it informative. I have been not in a relation for 10 years and recently have met someone new and I have found that all the triggers I thought had gone have all come out again which I thought I didn't have and I want to heal as I do not want to be like this for life.

[@CosmicHealingGoddess]

This was hugeeeee for me - thanks my love ♥️🙏🏻

[@CosmicHealingGoddess]

This is exactly what was done to me in childhood and I didn’t realize I had these wounds

[@julie88b]

Love your videos - thank you!!!♥️👑🌹🥰

[@evitadsouza3074]

You have just saved my life❤️❤️❤️

[@anamacklis2355]

Amazing content!! It was extremely helpful! From the bottom of my heart... tysm

[@angeazze6667]

Thank you so much uve helped me so much ❤🌏🦋

[@cynthialeveque6606]

Good information. Thank you!

[@H09800]

This channel is amazing.

[@luluilanda]

I love you Thais, you’re amazing, thank you ❤️🤗

[@cherirohloff3176]

You're the best!

[@missbubblemaker26]

i expressed my emotions today, it was terrifying

[@nikeiasi]

Uoohoooaaa! Awesome stuff! Thanks for sharing, Thais!

[@DaveE99]

Career financial relational mental emotional spiritual I made a concept in my head as a boundary for my authentic voice and I call it “castle arbinger”. Arbinger = foreshadowing things yet to come.

[@VampiraVonGhoulscout]

I've been holding something in that I need to express since early October and I feel physically unwell now. I've shut down because of it. But option A) is that I say it and they leave - my worst fear is abandonment - and option B) is I keep hurting by holding it in but I get to keep the person around. I'm soooo bad at expressing my needs. It's too terrifying. Quiet BPD is fun 👍

[@lauraliz6782]

Can you make a video on how the anxious attatchment can start becoming happy while single ?

[@anothercat9600]

oh yes, thank you, Thais! He asked me last week at the cafe if I remembered how we met 22 years ago (we haven't seen each other for that long). I suggested something about a martial arts training. Then he said no, it was through a friend I had, named Tina. I went "I have had a friend named Tina?". So embarrassing, I like the guy and don't want to miss out on details like that. Minutes earlier I had told the guy that I am an "emotions nerd" so if there is something I have feelings for (a song, artist, a scientific field, an event), then I will remember all kinds of data about it. How awkward. I felt so bad for not remembering how we met. I think he is a DA, never had a relationship lasting more than a few months, if I heard correctly about him, including us, we probably dated for a few months only. Going to try to thread very slowly, communicate my needs in a kind manner. I have to stop trying to be "perfect". I suspect that DA happens sometimes when the person's parent has narcissistic personality disorder (and the person has empathy themself, did not inherit NPD, but is avoidant). It could also be a sibling having NPD, doesn't have to be the parent. The parent's whole self becomes very dominating, so that the adult child can live in the shadow of that parent in many cases. One will either become Anxious or Avoidant.

[@bellabong8862]

Love your videos. Question: You mentioned toward the end of this video for us to make ourselves and our needs equally as important as those of others and speak up in the right wayy(s) and ask for what we need because we deserve it. In another video it was said that we need to learn to self soothe and take care of our own needs when our partners aren't. I'm confused. Could you please clarify when we should take care of our own needs and when we should speak up to ask for others to fill ,them? Thank you.

[@ItsAsparageese]

I'm no expert but I'd say the answer is to always take responsibility for doing both. We can hold others accountable depending on the nature of the relationship but we should always be prepared to care for ourselves first even as we work with and find functional compromises with others

[@PeaceLoveforourworld]

Oh my WORDDD !!!!! that's ME

[@angelabrake2291]

Keep sharing...zoom class might be good in the future 🙂

[@geisman150]

Do you have a course/worksheets on healing, reparenting, reprogramming the fearful/anxious/ambivalent avoidant attachment style specifically?

[@quadsautomotive]

Definitely need to be coached, I’m anxious and she’s avoidant .feels like I have created the same situation with ex wife and my wife of 20 years

[@arielbrown4899]

Hey my name is Ariel and i was wondering about the workbook and if you would be able to give me material? I struggle with anxiety and rejection from the trauma during childhood. Thank you so much in advance! :)

[@peacecreature1238]

You and teal swan help me SO much

[@gayandafraid_]

I fall into FA, leaning AP, and fear of abandonment is a huge issue for me. I give so much to my relationship mostly because I'm afraid that if I don't put in a ton of work, our relationship will fail. Is this sort of related to my abandonment fear or something on its own?

[@dimitria3552]

Can you be simultaneouly dismissive avoidant and anxious attaching depending on the situation?

[@n.c.6211]

Yes, that's the anxious avoidant www.depressionalliance.org/avoidant-attachment/

[@M0RPHOBIA]

@@n.c.6211 nope, it's the fearful avoidant.

[@n.c.6211]

@@M0RPHOBIA I have seen them used as synonyms. I don't know though why in the article I linked they describe the anxious avoidant as simply anxious.

[@honeymoney23]

That means your fearful-avodiant (also called anxious-avoidant or disorganized attachment)

[@DaveE99]

Are fearful-avoidant all like workaholics?

[@SR77736]

Yea. Work isn't as painful as a relationship and serves needs. It makes total sense.

[@M0RPHOBIA]

certainly not for me.

[@morehn]

They may go between workaholic and burning out

[@jenniferhollins3388]

Yes, distract myself with work all the time to not have to engage in emotional interactions.

[@LDrosophila]

I don't think so because it causes me a lot of anxiety

[@rebeccaaprice]

How do I express need for connection in a way that will make sense for the avoidant?

[@albertbaza2767]

I have been in a relationship with a woman who shows traits of BPD and covert narcissisim. She was more in the Quiet BPD. I have never been in Relationship with anyone in my past that exibited these traits before. I have gone through the usual lIdealizing, love bombing, discard phase of their concept of a relationship. I am in the stage of discard without closure. Completely Ghosted without Closure, as to why the Relationship ended. How does one deal with a break-up like this.???

[@magic131]

realize you're better off and don't hold resentment towards her but instead pity her for having to live with the pain of a life of inauthenticity

[@MissSarahGM]

@@magic131 That is the perfect mindset to have in reaction. They are too weak to have authenticity so they use control instead.

[@heiheinoo3871]

Oh my god. This is my ex!