The Ex Files - How Dismissive Avoidants Navigate Break Ups | Rebound Relationships

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Transform Pain and Grief Associated with Breakups: How to Heal From a Breakup & Transform Grief
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In this video, Thais Gibson unpacks 5 dynamic patterns of the dismissive avoidant attachment style as they navigate breakups. Also, learn about the dismissive avoidant's approach to rebound relationships as Thais offers up some insight and guidance. For more information check out the relevant course above on how to transform pain and grief associated with breakups.
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00:00:00 - Intro
00:00:51 - Dismissive Avoidants and Their Exes
00:01:22 - Pattern #1: Detach Fast
00:03:23 - Pattern #2: Emotional Repression Mode
00:05:12 - Pattern #3: Focus on Independence and Freedom
00:06:46 - Pattern #4: Creature Comfort Seeking
00:08:14 - Pattern #5: Negative Towards Exes
00:08:46 - Part 2: Rebound Relationships
00:11:50 - 7-Day Free Trial: How To Heal From A Breakup
00:13:24 - Lifetime
00:13:40 - Conclusion
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#PersonalDevelopmentSchool #ThaisGibson #PDS #AttachmentStyles #DismissiveAvoidant #DismissiveAvoidantBreakup #DismissiveAvoidantCourse #ReboundRelationships

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Dismissive Avoidants, does this ring true for you? Please comment below!

[@howtosober]

In retrospect, I missed a ton of red flags at the beginning. My DA ex would never give me a specific length of time when I asked him how long it had been since his last relationship. He spoke as if the breakup was mutual and everything was kosher. Then when he told me how it happened, it turns out he moved across the country to live with the parents of a woman with two small children that had bonded to him, and a very short time later decided he no longer wanted to be "a stepdad." He cut and ran on the weekend the kids were with their real father without saying goodbye to the kids, or really even saying goodbye to his ex. He even left his cat that he had moved with him. Over and over he'd whine about how badly he missed that cat, but he took it to a situation where the parents wouldn't let it live inside (despite being an indoor cat) so he just dumped it outdoors, then left it behind in the middle of an Indiana winter. In retrospect, I should have cut and run the MINUTE he told me this story. That alone is full of red flags! But unfortunately I had already moved him in with me because we had been friends for months before getting involved, and I thought that meant I had vetted him as a partner. Boy, was I wrong AF. He adopted two kittens just before we got together and did the same shitty things to them when he dumped me, along with letting one of my cats escape- never to return again- without a shred of remorse or admission of wrongdoing. A year later he called me up wanting to know if THEN I wanted to take his two cats for good (which he had abruptly jerked out of my life when he moved out unannounced while I was at work)- all because he decided to move across the country AGAIN for yet another relationship. This DA's constant treating people and animals like they're disposable, without giving a shit about the impact he has on others, is beyond contemptible to me. And of course I've never gotten even a shred of an apology or attempt at amends. I will never- ever- get involved with a DA again!!!

[@eoKingNoodle]

I'm an FA but so much of this rings true for me as well, almost all of it!

[@sheliasmith2884]

@@howtosober amen

[@ZhengSW]

@@howtosober Thank for the constant strength from your experiences!

[@shaharyar4093]

Yes definitely.

[@seancallahan7426]

DAs need serious help. The way they cut you out like you never meant anything to them is brutal. I wouldn't wish it on my worse enemy. All i wanted from her was vulnerability and intimacy. However its like trying to get blood from a turnip. If you ever discover theyre avoidant early on do yourself a huge favor and get out before you get hurt. These people are allergic to the love you have for them. One of the most helpless feelings is loving an avoidant.

[@lilywashere_]

From wanting to marry me to moving on as if I never existed. DAs are extremely hurtful people who need serious help.

[@mgn1621]

DA I know blames the ex…calls them crazy. He won’t take any responsibility for his part in it and I wonder if they are the reason their ex seemed crazy.

[@sheliasmith2884]

Yes because it's a roller coaster ride with their broken selves they cause the majority of problems I'm still trying to heal from one that I gsve my love to never ever again run 🏃‍♀️ from them.

[@jessicajackson1200]

Yep more than likely he was making her crazy with the emotional neglect, and silent treatments and pulling away can definitly make you very triggered and seem crazy. After me and my DA broke up suddenly i questioned whether i made the right decision for months. Ive never had mental health problems before or since, but i ended up in a psych unit with severe depression and anxiety. Im sure i seemed crazy, truth was i was very hurt and very triggered after i had to break up with him for giving me the silent treatment for 9 days after our first big fight. Before then we were talking marriage and i was all in. But ive seen that before and i wont tolerate that level of emotional abuse, no matter how much it hurts to leave.

[@mgn1621]

@@jessicajackson1200 🤗

[@jamalcole1985]

​@@sheliasmith2884seems pretty shallow to make a hasty generalization about people who fit this personality type. I don't believe you met every DA on this planet to make that assumption

[@flagirl0315]

They trigger the other person with their behavior then they are the problem bc they react. That’s the whole gig lol. Whenever someone tells me their ex was crazy my first thought is, what did you do to make them act crazy? Lol

[@happygolucky9004]

I was the person the DA was rebounding with. It was terrible. I couldn't tell initially that he was a DA and he seemed very mature and over his ex even though they only broke up for 3 months. This is a red flag. He was warm when we were together but overall very distant. He kept asserting that he liked me but all his actions said otherwise. In the end he lied a bunch and wasn't really emotionally available so I cut and ran. I only wish I did it sooner. Update: My DA ex emailed me another business like message asking me for a favor. After 4 months no contact 😞 They have no concept of other people's feelings.

[@sheliasmith2884]

So glad you did they are broken and you would have been broken i can write a book on them I think I will.

[@howtosober]

Oooh, I never thought about the "seeming mature" thing, that's so true. My DA ex would never give me a specific length of time when I asked him how long it had been since his last relationship. He spoke as if the breakup was mutual and everything was kosher. Then when he told me how it happened, it turns out he moved across the country to live with the parents of a woman with two small children that had bonded to him, and a very short time later decided he no longer wanted to be "a stepdad." He cut and ran on the weekend the kids were with their real father without saying goodbye to the kids, or really even saying goodbye to his ex. He even left his cat that he had moved with him. Over and over he'd whine about how badly he missed that cat, but he took it to a situation where the parents wouldn't let it live inside (despite being an indoor cat) so he just dumped it outdoors, then left it behind in the middle of an Indiana winter. In retrospect, I should have cut and run the MINUTE he told me this story. That alone is full of red flags! But unfortunately I had already moved him in with me because we had been friends for months before getting involved, and I thought that meant I had vetted him as a partner. Boy, was I wrong AF. He adopted two kittens just before we got together and did the same shitty things to them when he dumped me, along with letting one of my cats escape- never to return again- without a shred of remorse or admission of wrongdoing. A year later he called me up wanting to know if THEN I wanted to take his two cats for good (which he had abruptly jerked out of my life when he moved out unannounced while I was at work)- all because he decided to move across the country AGAIN for yet another relationship. And of course I've never gotten even a shred of an apology or attempt at amends. This DA's constant treating people and animals like they're disposable, without giving a shit about the impact he has on others, is beyond contemptible to me. I will never- ever- get involved with a DA again!!!

[@happygolucky9004]

@@howtosober I'm so sorry that happened to you and those poor kitties. I too noticed how coldly DAs end relationships. My ex DA told me how he called up his partner of 3 years and just ended it so coldly. He then blocked her after she was understandably upset. When we broke up he wrote me an email that sounded like a business letter. It was sooo cold. Glad you got out because it never will change. So many DAs never see that they have a problem. They often think they are the "mature" or "rational" person.

[@shinebabyshine.]

@@howtosoberNo, this is genuinely terrifying. I’m so sorry you, his exes, those children and cats had to endure his cold heart

[@chiaraA.]

@@happygolucky9004 they are so lacking in self-awareness, and it's alarming to be on the receiving end-- so glad you saw the light

[@shinebabyshine.]

I’m reading comments and my jaw is dropped. I’m so sorry folks have to deal with all of this. Im an FA and encountered someone who’s a DA or a narcissist. 3 months in and I never even had a chance to know him because he kept me at arms length and things were so one sided. I realized he was probably using me and I slowly backed away

[@harsieseutasu758]

I am glad someone else is saying it, there is SO MUCH overlap between DA's and Narcs. You go through the PDS videos and there is just more and more mounting evidence DAs are narcs lite.

[@ragingphoinix9144]

this was my ex though it took 6 months for him to finally cut it.

[@izmabelle]

Just been through a breakup with a DA and I can say that yes, they do come back when their lives start falling apart a little. They remember they like you - even though they said otherwise. BUT they won't admit it at first. And they will probably act passive aggressive if you say you don't want to try anymore with them and act like a DA again (push you and run away like you're the monster and they're suffering a lot). Tip: they're only doing that bc there's no one better than you to DO THEM atm.

[@nancyarvidson1413]

My DA boyfriend of three years ended our relationship 10 days ago. I am primarily secure, but lean AP in romantic relationships. Things were going well...maybe too well for him to handle. He would have finally had to commit to having a future together and a likely marriage. I put up with his inconsistent, hot and cold behavior for far too long. I worked hard to meet his needs and largely neglected my own. The break-up was devastating for me, but I'm doing a little better each day. I will not be dating for a while. I need to learn the lessons God has for me from this relationship and change some long-standing behavioral patterns that do not serve me. I watch Thais' videos and have been a member of PDS in the past. I may join again in order to do some specific work. Thank you, Thais! You make a difference for so many.

[@sushisam3010]

This is called: being responsible for your own grief. If DAs took this part seriously, without immediately running away, they would be capable of bigger and deeper things.

[@TheRealSlimshadyyyyyy]

This really just cemented how far she really is gone.. The pain at knowing I’m nothing more than an “inconvenient item” now, that is discarded will never be missed. Is indescribable..

[@eoKingNoodle]

Wishing you the best of healing, keep taking care of you for you and be the best friend you can possibly be for yourself through this

[@paniq_fnite]

Please try to find someone who cannot live without you and values you.. we all deserve that kind of love, not fake love. 🥹

[@francesca112]

Now that you know it, when you stop having feelings for this person - it will happen - you will notice she will not mean anything to you anymore. Went though it. They devalue you just to end up devalued. You are not missing such a person just how you felt around her. Totally replaceable.

[@jessicamorales2555]

In my experience, they are definitely very different than we anxious people, thus we do not make a healthy match, but they do suffer too. We should care about our own suffering and decide whether to run, die or adapt. And yes, I know it is easier said than done.

[@austinroberts1450]

You aren’t inconvenient, you’re so important in everyone’s lives. It’s her who isn’t important, anyone who doesn’t value you and love you for the greatness you bring isn’t worthy of it.

[@DobermanDanK9]

What i can add to this is... We know avoidants can have addictive tendencies, if that is alcohol... Allow them to speak and just listen. The filter that alcohol takes away will unearth someone who wants to speak of their pain. I never believed it at the time because, they're drunk. But after everything ended, my god... What an eye opener.

[@sushisam3010]

Can you give an example?

[@DobermanDanK9]

@sushisam3010 Through talking to people and dealing with an avoidant, they're very open to sharing their traumas. But in my instance, the alcohol brought down the mask, the barrier... I recognised that once they were out rehab, the mask was back on. Context is important for these examples, but hopefully, it comes across as useful: Before drinking - They'd unconsciously go through their actions Whilst drinking - They'd cry about how they miss people and are causing them harm. So, the contrast from sober to drunk was eye-opening. It's not about pushing that information release, it's about sitting with them and listening.

[@nannoreul]

You’re literally describing mine. The only moments of vulnerability I really know of him were all spoken while drunk. And then he’d remember in the morning and get vulnerability hangover.

[@DobermanDanK9]

@nannoreul Yep. Sad really

[@goulnazgalieva3121]

This one's great. The speed at which my ex detached from me and from her ex just before me is impressive, in a bad way. It makes me angry to this day

[@roshawngreene7069]

Same here... They're basically frightened grown-ass children... They're cowards is what they are.

[@flagirl0315]

Yea that’s usually a sign of a DA to look out for. They will usually make the excuse they were “over it for a while”

[@justingilmartin8983]

​@@flagirl0315yeah, and they're usually full of it, when they say this...

[@sheliasmith2884]

It's so sad they come into our lives we give them love and security and that's to much they make no effort. And you say they may go into another later well it will be the same death wheel cycle with another partner,especially if they don't work on them selves. So it would be casual because those of us who know our value will not stay with them. It's sad we try to love them and they take you for granted I don't ever want to date another one.

[@zakariyyamccullin1005]

I don’t blame you at all. I would say this to help not harm: Learn to read people and ask yourself do you want them. If the answer is no leave them be. If yes Godspeed.

[@WahkeenaSitka]

This is a 100% ACCURATE representation of my current experience with my now ex-boyfriend that I just went through a gut wrenching breakup with - he is a dead-on dismissive avoidant, to a T. This description completely describes his coping mechanisms, he's totally numbing himself with his alcoholism and his rebound relationship.

[@denniesa]

Feels like mine .. lol .. i don't know but i start feeling like lots of avoidants cope with alcohol or other drugs. It's sad.

[@howtosober]

I am SO thankful for PDS and this channel so we can all heal ourselves- regardless of attachment style- and never have to partner with insecure people again! After wasting so many years in these kinds of relationships, being taken for granted the entire time, then get discarded as if I never mattered, I am beyond grateful that I never have to put up with this behavior again because I can just choose not to partner with DAs. It feels no better or different than being with a narcissist, regardless of the fact that attachment systems are entirely distinct from personality disorders. I'm worth too much to put effort into these types anymore.

[@chiaraA.]

touche - good going

[@sheliasmith2884]

I'm with you I'm done

[@ZhengSW]

Just yesterday, I dodged a bullet and removed a DA from my life because I didn't want to go through the torture that they bring.

[@flagirl0315]

💯. It at least gives you clarity. The book attached was a real game changer for me

[@ZhengSW]

@@flagirl0315 I just went straight for Thais' book.

[@ZhengSW]

I've seen like 99% of all of Thais's DA videos and this is the best one for explaining how they navigate the breakup. Even the reasons a DA blocks you isn't as deep as this one. Every person who figures out that a DA broke up with them should watch this video immediately before they start suffering.

[@jerheeberhee]

So true. I wish this video had been available two years ago when my 18 year relationship ended.😂 Every last detail that Thais gave regarding long-term relationships, and how the DA processes them, was 100% spot on. Every. Single. Detail. Unfortunately, I had to spend two years trying to figure it out on my own (and eventually did) before she posted this truly informative video. Bummer for me.😆

[@ZhengSW]

@@jerheeberhee Sorry to hear that! It's good to hear you've been together for 18 years though. I hope your DA hasn't blocked you and completely shut down. Mine has and I don't think I'll ever see her again.

[@Brandon-yr3nj]

I would literally suppress the grief from a breakup until my next relationship began

[@Brandon-yr3nj]

@@imm0rtalitypassi0n I have had a few weird situationships with other avoidants in between my serious relationships where we both mostly bond over criticizing our exes/previous relationship (I guess because we’re both worn out on anxious people), but they never really go anywhere.

[@meeraraj0]

My DA friend contacted me after 6-7 weeks. I am so grateful as I know how hard it was for him. I thought it might take months or year. He was brief and bit formal. I'm not sure if he's going to stay in touch or was just checking in. Is there hope. I'm deactivating because I'm sort of DA too. But I care for him and did work so I'm trying to change.

[@TheRealSlimshadyyyyyy]

Lol, this is the most avoidant thing I’ve ever read.

[@meeraraj0]

How did you get better?

[@jenaya_laila2442]

But how did you manage to open up again then?

[@austinroberts1450]

I spent 6 months investing my life into a DA and she took without ever tangibly giving back while acknowledging her lack of effort and said she was trying to be better. One day we fought over her drunken actions, took her a week but she ended things. I’m too affectionate and “have the potential to be controlling”, followed by her not being ready for a relationship, despite it being her idea. Been a month and she’s already posted her new rebound. I’m at a loss.

[@rawman18]

I feel your pain brother. Been in a similar situation myself. I won't give you clichéd advice, but all I'll simply say is when that rebound blows up (and it will), just make sure you get the popcorn ready.

[@sheliasmith2884]

It won't work you know the cycle.

[@TheRealSlimshadyyyyyy]

This was literally me to a T..! It’s been 4 years and I’m still JUST as confused..

[@DobermanDanK9]

Similar story. One-sided investment, helped her out the depths of her alcoholism, deeply emotionally connected (I would say from both sides), to line up another guy behind closed doors only for me to find out from a picture from one of her 'days out'. Gut-wrenching but a very eye-opening experience in an educational and emotionally developing sense.

[@theexotic2983]

Don't fight the pain it'll only make it last longer. Accept the heartache, grieve, be kind to yourself and be optimistic that someone who'll treasure and cherish and value you will come into your life. Ask yourself what this relationship taught you about you.Most importantly never Despair.

[@covidoff]

After discovering all this about attachment styles and specifically post breakup realizing I was with someone avoidant, my outlook on a happy love life has diminished greatly because it just feels like I have no use for giving my love to others. She truly messed me up to my core. I didn't even know I was an anxious preoccupied until I dated her cause she invalidated absolutely everything about me. I can't wait till my mind forgets this like a bad dream and I will never have to come back to this darkness within my being. I love you all that are going through this, we will prevail and be better for it.

[@MsDany79]

When she broke up she immediately had another Plan B. Poor guy. Never again dating a DA. If I find out I will cancel immediately

[@hannah2.049]

I let new potential partners do a attachment style test and show me the result. I am not letting in another DA partner in my life and heart EVER again.

[@sheliasmith2884]

Right

[@Ari.StarFire]

​@@hannah2.049DAs can test more secure than they actually are. My last two DA partners tested this way. I took the results as fact and blamed myself for being triggered by their "secure" behaviors. DAs can present secure at first but after a couple of months they can start to ramp up the avoidance. I suggest not relying on the test results. However it can be a good tool to introduce the concept of attachment styles into a relationship.

[@flagirl0315]

@@Ari.StarFireea that’s the hard part bc then you’re more emotionally invested. There are signs though, especially with their past and past relationships. I always saw them but of course they tell you it’ll be different with you and it’s totally not! Smh

[@jessicamorales2555]

In my experience, this video is totally descriptive of the real pattern they show. Thanks

[@ZhengSW]

I've been in PDS since last Dec. and this video is the best one to explain the breakup dynamic with DAs.

[@12BY6]

This was timely and sounds like narcissistic behavior and responses and it is exactly what i experienced . The detachment was immediate and it began much earlier than the actual break up.age suppressed and avoided anytime she felt she was loving or feelings of intimacy towards me. She immediately started closing down and the excuses and push pull began. It seems like ahe wanted me to get tired and leave her . The behavior was passive aggressive but not enough to start a assertive response. Without having anything actionable she was able to bleed to shot clock until ahe could leave with another guy

[@sheliasmith2884]

Again leave these people alone not worth it 😒

[@13thbornpr]

This is spot on for my avoidant ex girlfriend of 4 years. When she got cold on me i wasnt worried because it happened a lot in the relationship. But this time when i texted her to see her after a few days she told me that she couldnt believe i wanted to see her. Essentialy i learned that she shut down completely this time and ended the relationship. Yup without even telling me. At least she didnt ghost me but ya. We talked for a bit after it ended because i wanted to understand wtf right. She was nice enough to try to explain without much success lol and ultimately she got tired of it and told me to leave her alone, that she hasnt got anybody in her life and she's just smoking weed! Lol So ya thats how she's coping i figure.

[@andremartinez6773]

15 months.... we did so much together, travelling, dancing, mountain trips, sporty activities, brought the families together, invited me to her special place in Puerto Rico, asked me to go back to the east coast to meet her Father and spend Christmas with her family, and 6 weeks later.... Boom! Blindsided me with a breakup. I had to bring up a couple of behaviors I saw over the last month and ask for one to be stopped and support for my side business. 2 days later the dumping happened. When we met to exchange stuff, the only reason I got was "I don't feel that you have the same passion for my work that I do". But apparently for 15 months it was ok? 6 weeks after the dumping she had a relationship status on Facebook that was back dated 2 weeks before our actual breakup. Who? A guy friend she's know for 10 years who hung around through her 2 previous long-term relationships and then me. Its long distance so the independence and lack of true commital and accountability is all in place with the benefit of support. Oh, and they work in the same career field. It was a crushing blow; took me down to a knee. I battled though and got back up to move forward. Didn't see it coming at all though. Got the super nasty "I'm sorry for the pain you're feeling text" afterwards. Classic. Realized later, the pattern she had of long-term relationship after long-term relationship; even having two of them move with her across several states for her career and then they broke up.

[@flagirl0315]

Yea as they feel nothing. I don’t care the reason, this type of treatment is callous. They are truly sick individuals. We aren’t responsible for others issues and we’ve all I’m sure been through heavy trauma and I surely don’t treat people in this way so I don’t really care why they are how they are

[@brookelight2090]

It is so messed up to be involved with a DA. I don’t want spend any energy to analyze DA. Glad it’s over.

[@amyfigueroa1911]

Love the longer videos like this! 💛 amazing content as always!

[@roshalllambert]

Loved the explanation!! the explantion about the rebound relationship was interesting!!

[@Cybertron123456]

I can’t get enough of Thais Gibson’s DA videos ! Just noticed you have gained 2000 subs in 1 week ! PDS is such a great channel- Congratulations and thanks for your wisdom and dedication to helping AP’s with their broken hearts 💔 we love you 😘

[@lisasunshine7654]

I’m not certain that my ex was strictly a DA attachment. Based on the things he would say about defending his autonomy and his freedom, and now that he was older, and his kids were raised, he was hoping for more independence and freedom, and didn’t want so many people relying on him. And he was always very careful to keep just the right amount of space between us. I think that was his safety buffer. And all the things she mentioned in the video about traits like confidence and high communication and great sense of humor all the things I appreciated and wanted to have in my life he had. I discovered that within a couple of weeks of our break up, he already was talking to another girl as a rebound relationship. Seeing someone, as he put it. This caused me to retroactively audit how we met, and I wondered if he had done with me the same thing. We were together over two years. I think he’s definitely trying to fill a gap and repress dealing with his emotions. Although he did tell me the first week, we broke up was very very difficult for him. He couldn’t even talk about it. Thoughts..?

[@IanRoyball128]

Thanks!

[@montserratpuebla4629]

Spot on. My ex-husband began a relationship just after he broke up with me. At the time he said he had to share a flat. The flatmate has become a long-term relationship. However he still refers to her as his flatmate. It may sound weird but I think that this way he feels less pressured. He is a master of emotional repression and self-soothing.

[@camieaux]

Can you make a video about the long term rebound relationship? Interested in that rare situation @ 11:00

[@goldy140]

Can U do a video on how FA rebound & all details about it as this?

[@tuckerkennedy9230]

I dated a DA or a FA for 7 years not sure which she is. She just broke up with me a couple weeks ago, again, out of nowhere. Very serious relationship. This cycle has taken place 4 times. She immediately shuts off. Doesn’t want to have closure, doesn’t give me any explanation. Sometimes barely makes me aware of us breaking up verbally, just acts totally distant. She typically makes me out to be the bad guy to her friends, even though I’ve done and said nothing. Is it normal for a DA to immediately find someone to hook up with? This is also a trend. At least two of the 4 times this has happened she’s. Like days later, slept with someone else. We have no contact for 6 weeks to 3 months and then she pops back up. One time even emailing my student email because she thought she had been blocked. We’ve sat through therapy and discovered where her issues stem from, and understood that she self sabotages when there’s a deep emotional connection out of fear. I’m just trying to understand the instant need to sleep with someone else? Is that normal for a DA or an FA. It seems odd this time around because of all the understanding gained from previous therapy and cycles. Are they really that self destructive and incapable of addressing their issues when going through one of their shutting off stages? She’s typically a really nice person and expresses extreme desire for change. Feels very undeserving of love and has low self worth. Understanding seems to make it easier to move on in a healthy way. Any help/advice would be appreciated.

[@Lyzylyzy1922]

What if I broke up with the dismissive avoidant but instead of responding he sends me a song & a pic of us? I’m not giving in though. We only dated for 6mos but told me he loved me at our 5th month. He recently separated from his ex of 10years last fall.

[@sifublack192]

As a DA, I'm actually surprised at most of these traits because only two of them applied to me. I admit I did focus on the bad traits of my ex, but that really came a several months after the breakup. As for the "rebound relationship," mine were only several hookups within weeks after the breakup. I don't miss my ex all that much, however I have been focusing on my independence and freedom. I've focused on finishing my book and recently joined a Judo class to expand my martial art skills (something I planned on doing while with my ex anyway). Honestly I've never felt any of the feelings mentioned after a breakup and usually found the breakup to be the right decision.

[@shawarmaareddy2884]

did u ever thought of rebounding with your ex

[@sifublack192]

@@shawarmaareddy2884 nope

[@IanRoyball128]

❤️

[@Sareex88]

What causes the rare instances which would make the DA want to reach out after a relatively short relationship, where marriage was discussed?

[@la6698]

Or discussing having kids, or that you were the only person I said "I love you" to. Mine was a short relationship. Maybe 4 months, then insisted that he couldnt imagine his life without me but we downgraded to friendship because the formal label of boyfriend seemed overwhelming, so did long term monogomy (even though talking about having a family was always on the table). We saw eachother and caught up maybe once/twice a month. About 4 months after we broke up, in the friend zone, his demenor twards me changed. We previously had been very honest and open. I prided the fact that we were able to have what I thought was very healthy comminication, always being honest and looking out for each others highest and best while not compromising self. One day we went to hang out, on a day and time he picked, and he became very agitated by my presence, he was manipulative, hiding things, making excuses, and belittling and dismissive like ive never experienced. I drew the line, called him out on his behavior and walked. It triggered old narassocstic/sociopath wounds I had from previous relationships (even though I dont classify him as either). I had no idea he felt this way about me and I have no idea what changed it all. I dont think I ever will to be honest, but as an AP leaning person working on being secure again after this experience, I do still find myself daydreaming about him reaching back out and clearing the air. My logical brain is telling me it'll never happen, and I need to stop hurting myself with the fantasy. This is my best advice to you. All the time love and thought your putting twards this person, turn around and focus it inward. Stop holding space. Even if they were to come back, you anticipating and glorifying the what if will will trigger your attachment to cling, and theirs to push away again. You have to let go. Dont worry about the rare chance. You have 0 control over this. Accept the things you cannot change, and change the things you cannot accept. Pour that love into yourself, this will ensure the best chance of a desireable match wether is them or someone new. You deserve reciprocity. Do not sell yourself short on this waiting for this person to reconize/validate your value.

[@Sareex88]

@@la6698thank you so much for your response! ❤❤

[@Music0Rocks1]

@@la6698any update

[@eoKingNoodle]

I had an AP threaten with suicide once after a break-up and then only a few weeks later he was engaged with a new girl! So it is not only DAs!

[@mgn1621]

I think there was a lot more going on there than just attachment styles

[@eoKingNoodle]

@@mgn1621 Probably, but he did not have a single avoidant trait, we were together for years :)

[@roberttruman8444]

At what point does the DA start to think of the relationship for what it was, minus the bias and without attempting to rationalise or alter the narrative? From experience I got the impression that DA's had the ability to create simple but logical stories to explain things like breakups that could have some accuracy or could be completely fabricated, and that they could either convince themselves of the false facts or at least had the will power to commit to the altered reality. Whether this is generally true of the DA or unique to those I had experience of, I can see how that ability and mindset could be very useful when having to make very difficult decisions or come to terms with an unfortunate event or circumstance. Although if done too many times it would surely start to effect your sense of reality in general?

[@ikeafan1000]

If they rebound right away after a 20 year relationship - does the emotions come back to them after that 3 months mark altho they are already in the rebound relationship?

[@jerheeberhee]

Mine was 18 years. He met someone through a friend within three weeks and they’ve been together for two years now. You’re probably the phantom Ex, but I think there are certain DA’s who never process their feelings and just move on and find a new supply and move on and on and on … or make a final permanent relationship enough without being fully satisfied. (I also think the stubbornness in not being able to work through the shame of perhaps being wrong by leaving the relationship gets in their way of any attempt at reconnecting.) Once in the early days when I was asking my DA how many times he had been in love, he stated that he was the kind of person to love the one he’s with. That concept is foreign to me, but it makes sense now knowing his track record.

[@IanRoyball128]

I never know what she's gonna do. I just stay outta her way. it's safer that way.

[@stilpon5378]

What if after the breakup, the DA comes back via messages a few days later? Keeps replying and even agrees to meet again? What do you think? (dating phase/7months)

[@GadgetsGearCoffee]

proceed with caution, I think it's best both people cool it off for a bit, no contact, then go back when emotions are cooled off to have a proper discussion to see if anything can be changed before deciding to try again

[@happygolucky9004]

Depends. Who initiated the breakup & why?

[@stilpon5378]

@@happygolucky9004 I initiated the breakup with the DA. There was no commitment but a friend saw him on Tinder. I appreciate him very much but he had been giving me crumbs for 7 months and when I asked him to invest more he focussed and told me that he was not going to do it because for him it was enough and that I was not "the right person" for him to offer more. But does he really think so or is it a Defence mechanism?

[@jonschooley8951]

If you’re certain he’s a DA, then believe what he says.

[@la6698]

Any man, DA or not, trust them when they tell you the first time. If this information isnt in their favor, or going to "hurt their chances" or risk making them look bad then its the truth.

[@frant1cOne]

Do DAs end up getting in a new relationship quickly, or date multiple people right after a break up without really committing to any if them? Do they often string people along? Blocking feelings (she had admitted deep down she still has feelings) while wanting time and attention? This lasted for 6 months with me before I finally had to go NC because this behaviour hutrt me. She got mad and froze up, havent heard from her since.

[@flagirl0315]

They literally just recycle people to hang out with with no intention of more deep down. You’re just another space filler. They see people as objects not people that can meet their needs only and if it’s too much hassle they toss you aside for the next who can provide it without any complaints. It’s always about them

[@jerheeberhee]

My very long-term relationship with a DA ended, and within three weeks he was in another long term relationship with a woman he met through a friend. I recognized (simply because I spent a lot of time trying to figure things out) that he can’t be alone. He fell into a relationship because he needed what I had been giving him (security, comfort, etc.) and found it there. The freaky thing is, she looks similar to me.😂 This probably sounds harsh, but I pretty much think DAs don’t have personal relationships. It feels more like a personal transaction. They have a subscription to you, and when they bail, upon the exit survey, they answer with … “Prefer not to answer.” It DOES get better. You WILL feel better. And you end up on the other side with a much better understanding of people who are worthy of your time and attention.

[@HawaiianKong]

My DA ex-girlfriend of 15 months was with a new guy 6 weeks after we broke up. They’re still together a little over a year later

[@kimberlymadsen5954]

I text my ex this: how is it that you have the skill of treating me so good the past couple of months, so kind & carefully, loving me? Truly making me feel so special…? His reply: People skills, I analyze and asses and then do what is necessary! My Reply: The problem with that is I don’t know how to tell myself this isn’t real, it’s a lie, this is fake, don’t believe it , otherwise you will get your heart broken….. Thanks but no thanks!

[@jhl4744]

The reason dismissive avoidant style happens is that there is a person who been through a broke up and scared to fall inlove again thats why they choose a guy that they don't love for her to be safe because she would not scared that guy dissapear in her life because she don't love her. Thats why she can't give the love and that you need. But if that person find a guy that they really attracted they won't do dismissive avoidant mode. She can love back to that person and thats 100% truth

[@sloppychoppy]

God damn I'm so fucked

[@cleopatrajones7096]

It’s very simple. As I DA, I prefer DAs. I don’t like arguing or screaming or any of that nonsense. If a DA breaks up with me or the other way, we’re usually friends and will remain for years. Listen people, DAs will miss you if you’re cool to be with. Don’t start drama for no reason, be rational, carry your own weight, be light, and guarantee the DA will come back. When they do back, don’t cause any grief. No insults. Act cool as a cucumber, and as if nothing happened, we will love you forever. The caveat, is that they may reach out after 9 months or longer and the relationship may not be what you want (co dependency). I’ve also met some pretty effed up guarded DAs and that’s ok too. I’d prefer not to be friends with those. We exist on a spectrum of avoidance. Some are more major than others. And some people are just jerks. Nothing to do with attachment styles. I personally don’t like being criticized or insulted. If you don’t like me, leave. The insults are unnecessary and hack away at trust.

[@lilymulligan8180]

I guess I just have a hard time understanding the purpose of a relationship to a DA. Like why date at all if you don't really want to be involved in someone's life, or have them involved in yours? What do you get out of it?

[@cleopatrajones7096]

@@lilymulligan8180 good questions. I should start by saying I’m rarely in relationship. Anxious men love me but I can’t keep up. The constant texts, the accusations and criticisms, the yelling…I’d rather be alone. If these same types of people understood it’ll take awhile to warm up and keep the drama set to low, then DA’s are like everyone else (I think even more loving). We’re genuine and we’ll help you each and every time you need help. If it’s often and everyday that’s too much. We crave connection like everyone else. We’re human. We’ve just been ignored and expected to take care of ourselves at young age. Once we like you, we we’re often more loyal and won’t leave you again because of our childhoods and inability to trust. And once that person has gained trust, I think we’re the most loyal to a fault of all the attachment styles (we won’t instigate a divorce or breakup). I can’t speak for everyone because I’ve experienced some whacked out DAs. This is generally speaking. The involving takes a very long time. Some take longer than others. The ones that haven’t worked on themselves aren’t worth it. But the ones who have, still take time and I think it’s worth it.

[@MeAnINFP]

I mean, okay, that makes sense. But it’s also unfair if anything at all happened. So like if the DA made a promise to not ghost, then totally ghosted someone for months and are aware that the person has trauma around abandonment, comes back, and the other person isn’t able to express that ghosting like that wasn’t okay? Sure if nothing happened, be cool. But if something did, it’s unfair to demand a total lack of accountability. I don’t think it’s okay to expect to treat people badly and for them to always act like it’s cool or the DA will peace out. ✌🏻

[@cleopatrajones7096]

@@MeAnINFP And this is where I think people make the assumption if someone is an unkind person, they’re a DA. That dude is being unkind and not cool by book. There are plenty of DAs that will politely accommodate and discuss. Ghosting is not cool. I only ghost when there is a onslaught of insults on texts and verbal messages and I’m asked to respond. Uh yeah no thanks. Nothing to discuss then. I would say many mature DAs are that way. If they made a promise, I feel fairly certain they would accommodate (if they’ve done some work on themselves). There are weird people out in the world and I’m sorry that happened to the friend.

[@flagirl0315]

@@lilymulligan8180I agree. It’s all about them and their needs and you just have to sit there and deal with it and their games? Yea ok. Someone with self respect leaves!

[@marsnr1]

I like your videos a lot but please work on your vocal fry.

[@shinebabyshine.]

Lol damn

[@nahomelion]

Maybe you should work on your mannerism. There’s a better way of wording your opinions bro

[@nahomelion]

@@shinebabyshine.unnecessarily rude

[@lmart16]

Just say you prefer males. We get it.

[@lilymulligan8180]

When my DA and I broke up, we had to live together for another month before I could move out. We talked about maybe staying friends, but I told him in no uncertain terms that I would not be initiating a friendship with him. If he wanted to talk to me, HE would need to reach out, because I'm very comfortable with going NC with exes. Unsurprisingly, I never heard from him. That's fine. But what DID happen, was a mutual friend informed me that I left some art behind. I spent the next several months enlisting numerous mutual friends to implore my ex to send my art to me. Never got it. Heard later from the first friend that my ex "didn't know if I was still at the forwarding address I gave him" which is the biggest load of BS I've ever heard, cuz I gave him my parents' address 😐 He absolutely knew that he could send it there even if I wasn't actively living there. After 3 months of trying to go through other people, I finally broke down and emailed him asking for my art. Then I had to follow up numerous times because he wasn't responding. I kept my messages very short and fiiiiiinally got my art back, almost 4 months after finding out he still had it. I swear the whole thing was a tactic to force me to reach out to him. It all felt very manipulative. I like to think that he was disappointed when I didn't ask how he was doing or report on how I was doing. Screw that guy.