The Ex Files - How Fearful Avoidants Navigate Break Ups | Rebound Relationships

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Transform Pain and Grief Associated with Breakups: How to Heal From a Breakup & Transform Grief
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In this video, Thais Gibson unpacks the dynamics of the fearful avoidant attachment style as they navigate breakups. Also, learn about the fearful avoidant's approach to rebound relationships as Thais offers up some insight and guidance. For more information check out the relevant course above on how to transform pain and grief associated with breakups.
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00:00:00 - Intro
00:01:32 - Dealing With A Breakup: Short-Term Long-Term
00:06:46 - Dynamics within a Rebound
00:08:14 - Project Unresolved Fears
00:10:28 - Test Rebound Relationships
00:11:09 - People Please and Lead On
00:14:04 - Lifetime Promo
00:14:35 - 7-Day Free Trial: How To Heal From A Breakup
00:15:43 - Conclusion
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Hey there! I'm Thais Gibson, and this is the channel where I teach you how to transform your life.
I created the Personal Development School, an online learning platform that gives users the ability to create true and long-lasting change in their lives through personal development courses that are designed to give you a breakthrough in every area of your life, with a 99.7% satisfaction rate.
Our KZbin videos give you a glimpse into this in-depth course content. Much of what you'll learn here is based on your attachment style and how that affects the relationships you have with your family, friendships, and of course, your romantic relationships.
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#PersonalDevelopmentSchool #ThaisGibson #PDS #AttachmentStyles #FearfulAvoidant #FearfulAvoidantAttachment #FearfulAvoidantBreakup #ReboundRelationships

[@aldarinh]

Every time I learn new things about my Fa ex I really loose my hope to get her back. It was very beatiful in the beginning and when things tend to serious she started to resent me for my minor faults and told me that I was going to abonden her and them she dumped me. Thats ironic and agonizing. The person you love more than anyone else in this world becomes enemy with you.and you could literally do anything. I have never felt this much powerless in my entire life.

[@shanewilkerson5128]

I absolutely feel your pain. Worst pain ever. I would have and did anything I could for her. We started to work together and shit fell apart. Flaw finding. Distancing herself Moved out for space and then Boom!!! Fucked up. Within a month she has new Facebook page and friend other guys. I feel so helpless

[@martinhebblewhite4659]

Yep me too . Broke up for the second time in two years . The ironic thing is they mostly don't know what they are doing or the fact they have an attachment style If you mention it "uour just labeling me " I'm in my first week of no contact again.

[@shanewilkerson5128]

I have been no contact for 3 weeks. While at work she went to my house to retrieve personal items. Little did she know the locks were changed. she could not get in!!! So she sends me texts. “I see you planted new flowers and clean up the back yard. You cleaned up and planted flowers for your new lover!!!😂😂😂 She says I guess you moved on fast. Maybe your new lover can take care of you.” I didn’t respond at all. I guess she is getting nervous and feels I am checking out on her. The no contact continues for me. Atleast unless she reaches out in a couple weeks. Then I will set up my expectations. Without her seeking therapy and then couples therapy, then I won’t continue with the relationship. Not going to get hurt like that again

[@ek5150]

I know all too well what that pain feels like as I am going through it right now. Im sorry, and don't even know what to say since I can barely keep myself together. soo sorry

[@Steph15664]

I absolutely love that you’re doing a lot of FA videos! It’s helped so much. Can you possibly do one with tips for secure attached people after a break up with an FA to heal?

[@kathierichardson8361]

There seems to be a few people in the same boat 😅 I’d love that video too. It’s a tough journey.

[@Steph15664]

@@kathierichardson8361 Right? 😅 but it my FA wouldn’t have dumped me (guilty of stonewalling 🙋🏻‍♀️ because he compared me to his ex wife) I wouldn’t have found this channel. I’ve learned so much. The positive is if the FAs return we know how to navigate that relationship sooo much better, and if they don’t we have the knowledge to help us with the next person that comes along.

[@kathierichardson8361]

Yes 🙂 I’m still early in my healing journey but one step at a time 🤩 this channel has definitely helped.

[@xcoachkim]

Thais is so wholesome. I love how she lets everyone know that she is in a different place and will have a different background. She's so chill and authentic.

[@michfrank89]

This explains a lot about how I (fa) “dealt” w/ my last serious breakup with my AP ex.. extreme creature comforts and shut down.

[@danielpita7324]

May I ask as an Ap ex of an fa myself, how would you like to be approached for reconciliation? My fa ex got triggered very intensely when I tried to strike up a conversation about how we felt about eachother.

[@lianevoelker9845]

The moment you realise you were only a rebound - ouch.

[@HH-pj5bl]

Another great video, key thing is we need to self reflect on what happened, own up to our mistakes and part we played in the relationship and either move on or rekindle if we know both are willing to work on it. Not avoiding is what helped me heal , it's painful to face the truth in the beginning but important to do it😊 thank you for the share and love you❤

[@ihavegingeritis]

I was the short term rebound (6 months) that an FA poured into (probably hangover feelings from their previous long-term relationship). She seemed so connected and like she had strong feelings but apparently not. She’s never taken accountability for leading me on and confusing me and she ended up in a committed relationship very soon after me. It’s been the single most painful break up of my life…worse than my long term relationships. I’m not usually anxious in romantic relationships but it left me feeling used, worthless and like I’m nothing. The single biggest thing that would have helped is if she could have taken accountability…because for a long time I was confused, doubting myself and feeling gaslit. I hope she can heal - I know deep down she’s not a bad person but it’s been very hard to maintain that view of her.

[@danielpita7324]

As the ex of an FA, how am i supposed to processes my ex being in a rebound relationship? Its a horrible thought to think about and really makes me question the feelings my ex had for me

[@LeeChrissy]

I loved this video!! ❤ I'm not a relationship rebound type of woman personally. I'm usually single for years and years before I accept an offer to date. With my last relationship with a DA however, I did accept dinner invites with a couple of old friends during each of our breaks. I made it clear to both of them that I was fresh out of a break up and just looking for dinner with conversation and nothing else. Of course they were hoping for more, but when I really love someone, even though we're not together, I feel like it's not okay to do to that myself, that person or my ex being so soon after the split. I did bring the baggage from the man before last in though. They had the same name, same sign, same age. Lol The first one I found out was cheating on someone while dating me. And then when she found out, he stayed with her and it was like a double rejection. Now looking back...ughh...I'm so glad he chose her because I would never want that type of man in my life. I would never trust him. So anyway, when my ex didn't want a label, I immediately associated it with the last guy and thought he was just keeping his options open. I couldn't separate the two no matter how hard I tried. Now I realize he is a DA who has a lot of trauma around relationships. Thanks for continuing to help us heal. ❤❤❤

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Thank you for sharing!

[@karennoyce7405]

I’m an FA leaning DA, I’ve never done a rebound relationship, I tend to navigate break ups by cutting the person out of my life completely, cold turkey no contact and stay single for years before entering a new relationship. I use that time to work on myself, preparing for the next encounter in hope that I don’t mess the next one up. Im assuming the rebound relationship probably applies more to the FA leaning AP.

[@Ryan-yg7zc]

Do you miss the person youve left?

[@sf99939]

@@Ryan-yg7zcI’m the same way and it depends, if it was a good healthy relationship, yes. If not, they’re out of sight and out of mind.

[@patriciaa2976]

Same. It's been 3 weeks since I broke up with my bf and definitely have the urge to "cocoon". However, i love summer and being out during this time so I'm making room for outings with friends and family. I've even signed up to a couple of meetup's just to get outta the house. I'm a no contact person and have never reached out to ex's after a breakup (they usually reach out to me after 6 mos!). I don't have the bandwith for a "rebound" at the moment. I'm usually single for 3-4 years before entering another relationship.

[@nishanttn]

Yep sounds about right. My FA leaning Anxious went back to her ex immediately after our breakup.

[@carissajae2410]

I would love to know more about your headspace’s on the ‘no contact, never speak again’ perspective? As this is naturally just really hard for me to comprehend and I am currently feeling really hurt from being treated this way. I struggle to relate because I have always been able to communicate through-out breakups, place boundaries and then we would naturally drift apart out of respect. But in my recent experience a breakup occurred that completely BLINDSIDED me and occurred abruptly, within a 5 minute conversation 3 months ago! I said something that really offended him (I did not predict that it would offend him at all). I saw this as an opportunity to talk it through but he had already decided it was over and on BERY cold and sour terms. He was extremely hateful with his words, manipulated and gaslighted me and it was all over, including being blocked from everything, told I was toxic and to never contact him again. I was left feeling shocked, broken and abandoned. This was 3 months ago. I know him well enough to know he will not be using this time to reflect and improve, he will be nothing but spiteful and will rationalise it to suit him, as this is unfortunately what he was like in other areas of his life too I observed. I don’t expect him to reach out as he had already shared he ended things with his former ex’s in this way too “abruptly and to never speak again”. I’m just extremely hurt and confused, and I think I’m finding the strong desire to never speak again with someone who was once important to you as one of the most painful parts 😢

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Fearful Avoidant's what's your experience been like after a break up? Does the video resonate with you? Comment below!

[@HealingHappyAli]

It took me 60 days to start crying, I isolated before then, overslept. I couldn't concentrate, take good care of myself, couldn't get excited about anything. I stayed angry, it felt safer than the sadness that plagued my sleep. I couldn't accept the end of us but I wanted it. I'm at a year now. I still know it should be the end of our 6 years. He doesn't want to improve life skills, communication, relations. He wants easy and as a DA he has that away from me. Thx to PDS I am healing, I've started to believe in a future relationship with someone healthy that I can be healthy with. As an FA I would've thrown myself into work by now and not attempted to date for years. This is me on progress.

[@takebackmylifetakemylifeba8362]

Yes! Throwing myself into exercise! And the chameleon-ing myself with the next person I meet, while I sort out my feelings.

[@lifecoachingtoronto]

I think the indirect ways of connecting with an ex even though they don't want to get back together is just them saying "if I know there's at least SOME connection, I won't feel abandoned & rejected". What do you think?

[@ksref]

This sounds like what I'd do and why. If it wasn't a train wreck and I genuinely liked the person I'd like to keep a friendly acquaintance

[@yamieden4350]

Selfish. Leave your exes alone

[@yamieden4350]

Get another connection!

[@ksref]

if you never want to be contacted by one, I'd suggest simply block.

[@elliecee8114]

Precise

[@anothercat9600]

Thank you for great info. Met a lovely FA 4 months ago, discovered 2 months ago that I am a Rebound, a pretty woman who lives close to him probably turned him down back 5 months ago. They meet for walks three times a week, he calls her his walks-friend. I have kids and live 50 min away (have talked about moving closer), we talk every day, we meet once a week. The only thing I have, is that I am also pretty, very mild, kind, warm, always positive when I communicate a need. I have not yet told the FA that I get that I am a rebound, not shown any negativity about him taking walks with her. I also show support about his depression. I don't ask about the pretty friend, he only says "then at lunch I walked with X". Only thing I can hope for is that he will see me as a kinder/warmer/creative person. In two months from now I guess I will need to mention the issue to him.

[@takebackmylifetakemylifeba8362]

Spot on with the throwing myself into exercise after a breakup! LOL

[@Horseheart50]

I'm realizing I was a rebound when I had no idea due to my FA ex not being honest with me about his previous relationship. He loved bombed me (although we had known each other for several years), said he was on the same page as me, then freaked out 6 weeks later and contradicted everything he had been telling me and he ran away. His ex became jealous seeing us together and wanted him back. They have been together ever since.

[@RetroNostalgia98]

I'd love to see one for how secure's handle breakups too. :)

[@roshalllambert]

Loved this video! learned lot of new things!!

[@lisalee6501]

Thank you for making me feel sane 😇

[@sjgrall]

This could explain a lot, thank you.

[@christinemerritt974]

This Explains EXACTLY the type of person I used to be. 😞 But I have Evolved 😊

[@angiemoreno1013]

I'm learning sooo much about myself

[@MsGuitars666]

Thais queen I love this new setup and video quality yas 🤩☀️

[@dtaz1]

I tend to have more anxious tendencies, but this video described my last breakup to a T. We were both unhealthy co-dependent on each other for 2 years. We split March 2020, just before lockdown, and she moved back to her parents. I was left alone. I thought I coped healthily at the time; I worked out, lost weight, had a daily schedule for myself, wrote a lot and made a few videos for my youtube channel. But I realise now that I was escaping some my feelings. Especially my anger towards being betrayed, my anger at myself for needing constant contact with someone who hurt me. (I felt like I needed closure, but I don't think the lockdown isolation helped either) I rebounded in the first 5 months (which ended up in me dysregulating and freaking out when it got more serious). I distracted myself watching comedy KZbin channels (thank you RedLetterMedia), this was me masking most of the hurt with laughter, but in a way it helped and I would not have changed this. I still feel some residue of all that leaking into my more current dating life, which is pretty rare at the moment as I figure more of this stuff out. But in the dates after, I have noticed I open up less, or don't know how to with strangers. I tend to be hypervigilant to behavioural and tonal shifts, I can spot these, but find it hard to stop the noise in my head that tells me something is wrong. I also notice that some topics bring out feelings in my solar plexus, such as discussing ex's. I was not expecting to tick off pretty much all the boxes in this video 😭🤣all that said, I have had a lot of healing since then and forgave my ex. She was hurting just as much as me. But when dating and getting to know new people more intimately, I notice old feelings come out and it makes me feel like I have not healed at all. It's making dating life quite tough for me but I will not give up.

[@giselleoneil9629]

This was very helpful

[@L33-ij7tp]

I'm FA and this is so accurate! I can identify when I have done exactly as you said in relationships in my life

[@alirh1145]

I am FA (leaning AP maybe) and I was once rebound guy who got lots of breadcrumbs and waste of time and energy ( by a DA) so I really dont understand why should someone do rebound. It is selfish and cruel.

[@hugorabe4395]

As a FA I can totally relate to this. Another great vid that actually also helps me understanding my own patterns. Thanks a lot, Thais! I sometimes wonder what is the exact difference between a fearful avoidant and a dismissive avoidant?

[@DeadMysticx]

really interessting topic

[@silmaful]

Thank you for this. In my case, I am the ex of the fearful avoidant. We’ve been together for a year and the connection was genuine, she opened up a lot to me, she told me things about her childhood that she had never told anyone before, she told me that no one had ever made her feel this safe, that she had never felt so in love and suddenly, out of the blue, she panicked. She started to pull me away, then she came back again, felt guilty… hot and cold behavior where she used to tell me she loved me but she didn’t know how to love. Finally she abruptly left me three months ago and it was devastating, i was so madly in love with her and actually wanted to help her… now i’ve seen she is already flirting with other people which hurts me like crazy, even more the fact that the new person is terribly toxic… i just don’t understand anything… why leaving someone who was consistent and loved you deeply? I still broken and it seems like she already moved on..

[@joyjemmott6278]

I'm so sorry

[@silmaful]

@@joyjemmott6278 thank you ❤️

[@huiminloh332]

I empathise! It’s the same for me 😭

[@silmaful]

@@huiminloh332 i hug you ❤️ i know how bad it feels

[@thevikingbeard89]

They have narcissistic/borderline personality traits. It's immaturity in relationships and behavior. They may talk about trauma but often times it's just enough to pull us in as a protector to feel safe. The victimhood and hot/cold behavior becomes manipulation so when/if they want to discard, they do. Because then they find their "supply" through friends and flirting because of codependent behavior. Hence, why the cycle continues either with the old or the new if the old seems boring. They often come back in for validation they are good people and everything is ok even with no attempt to actually reconcile or sincerely apologize. It took me a bit to get over it and still have to balance my emotions with people now because of a similar experience.

[@marekin8024]

Spot on...

[@owlex10]

I am pretty sure this just happened to me. It was devastating and he was not accountable. He moved thousands of miles to live down the road from me after his divorce and abruptly dumped me and left. We had a friendship prior and I feel so foolish for not seeing this coming. He has a pattern of hot/cold anxious/avoidance and it blindsided me when it happened to me, but of course it makes sense. How do I heal as the rebound? He paced the relationship very quickly and I followed his lead.

[@laurenmountain-ledoux6901]

My FA ex has reached out a lot! Both indirectly and directly. Moved very fast in a rebound and continues to reach out to me, going as far as to ask me if we can meet up for drinks. He’s been overtly flirtatious and makes an effort to stay very engaged in my life…

[@goldy140]

R u the rebound of your ex?

[@andreajaouhari6486]

Spot on….unfortunately 😢

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

❤

[@tulip5210]

your picture for this video is peak love it lol.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

❤

[@gayleneflower398]

Isn’t that what most people do when they break up? They seek assistance from others, they try to do other things to keep their mind off of it to replace that void, and they hopefully ruminate on what they did wrong in my case, my fearful avoidant he just started dating after four years with me, but I think he was cheating all the time anyway.

[@maddiesue1752]

what if the FA breaks up when they’re still in love with the person and then go right into another relationship right away?

[@CW-qw4yd]

As a FA, I usually workout a lot and become a workaholic!

[@benf1111]

What attachment style reaches out to say I love you and miss you but has no intention of getting back together or even having regular text message exchanges? I literally had an ex do this and when questioned about her once every 2 months texts she says it's the best she can do right now.

[@TabbyCakes]

This is scary! Thais knows all of my business 🤦🏽‍♀️🤣

[@julieb4765]

What if they go straight into withdrawing from the world?

[@koala01111986]

I think this is was a did during secondary school, only when really hurt but then no more, I didn't have any relationship for 15 years and then a 2 years relationship and then other 5 years of nothing. I may think about it but then I have a really hard time liking someone 😅😅

[@serrjass]

Is it possible that the last relationship I had was a rebound even when the interval was years apart? Before my last relationship I had been in an on and off relationship, which is my first one, for almost 4 years I think I haven't processed it or settled it within myself, I cannot even remember why we broke up, I think I just coped through numbing (unconsciously, I didn't even know how to face my feelings or to even recognize my feelings) and just shoving in down until I cannot feel it or think of it. After that I didn't date for almost 3 years but someone came along. I was happy but I've got mixed feelings and felt bad. Still navigating the breakup from this second relationship I had. Figuring out what happened to me. We were in our 4 month mark when I decided that I really want the relationship after being so confusing like hot and cold but unconsciously people pleasing I think. Then I decided I'm really committing but then something happened and I had had ROCD during our relationship and I told her many of my ambivalence. But then I had been attracted to another person (resembling qualities of my first partner) I think it was limerence (I just found this out recently if my assessment of what happened is correct) but I tried to explain her things and she understood. But then it happened again (to the same person) and I told her I was in so much panic because I didn't want to feel it and I didn't understand why it is happening to me (I didn't make any move to that other person nor even thought of making a move, I just told my partner at that time what was happening to me because I couldn't understand and I needed help to comfort me). This second time she got really angry and broke up with me and never looked back since. It really broke my heart. I withdrew so hard. I quit my job and moved to a different city. But I felt so bad and confused and blamed myself for what happened. After 4 months from the breakup I tried to reconnect with her but she rejected me (this was my thirf attempt to rekindle our relationship). It was heaven at first but it went straight to hell so fast. We were together for almost 6 months. Now I'm taking the time for myself and trying to really understand myself and figuring out what I can do to heal this in me and be able to navigate relationship with more clarity and stronger next time.

[@hspinnovators5516]

This happened. He tried to be overly physical constantly as a replacement for his last relationship but ut felt very boundary disrespecting and invasive. Then hed punish me etc

[@calumrobertson1684]

Also, is there not an element of psychological displacement when the fa carrys the same depth from the previous relationship to the new relationship. Basically the substituting ex with new partner and carrying on as if its the same relationship? 🤷🏻‍♂️

[@SkillSetCentralYT]

can;t tell if i was a rebound of FA or not. she initiated convos like she want to marry me have kids etc etc than called off the relation in 6months..... just like that.. i was very supportive, never aggressive etc as i kindda was aware of attachment styles...idk wut happened. so far 2 months of ridiculous anxieties...I went from secure to mentally fucked ngl

[@j209westmoh9]

Thats what she was trying to do all along

[@wanharrysanjaya7259]

Is there any update?

[@SkillSetCentralYT]

@@wanharrysanjaya7259 from her side, no but from my side, with enough self-work, diverting the pain into motivation to do something- I sure achieved a lot more i would have otherwise by being productive at work, physically, started couple new independent projects and any resentment i had towards her is gone at at this point is more or less just understanding that life happens, feelings change and sometimes its as simple as that :) [alot happier now]

[@takebackmylifetakemylifeba8362]

Does this mean as an FA , I shouldn't date for 4-8 weeks after a breakup? So that I don't lead another person on, or prematurely behave in a new relationship by "picking up where I left off" if my previous relationship ( the affection example in this video)?

[@goldy140]

It says in lot of relationship videos not to date another for about 6 months (not less than that) , mean time you should work out for your inner healing.

[@gtl1010]

Hi - what is a service level relationship? It's mentioned approximately 7:50min into the video. Or are you saying "surface" level relationship?

[@luizeduardo1706]

probably situasionships

[@BetterLoveMovement]

surface level relationship

[@RitaP41]

Rebound is never a good thing. Neither is the "no contact" some people tend to advocate for. And while there's some truth to this video, as an FA who was with an FA, Every person's experience and timeline is very different.

[@nathandrewes8208]

My wife left me and I feel like she was a fearful avoidant. I have been devastated how our relationship ended. I drink heavily and lash out via text to her. She tried to keep it civil but I couldn't except how it ended. I can't afford therapy living on my own. I was cheated on in my first marriage. This was my second and I fell in love again. She got very close to her male co-worker friend at the end.

[@nathandrewes8208]

She left without closure for me. Said nothing ever happened but I feel otherwise. She would text this person a lot and even spent time together. I was controlling in my first marriage so I encouraged her to be supportive with this male friend. I almost feel like I ended my marriage by allowing certain things.

[@JesseMoore-fs3uh]

Work on yourself to become secured attachment. FA are very disorganized and will not acknowledged your needs or emotions. They will gaslight you as well.

[@fine_Geh]

I'm confused about my ex: 3 months after meeting, he asked to be exclusive but down the line, he would withdraw for about a week after we connect deeply or i ask more from him... he'd get defensive or deflect and then reach out with questions about things he's noticing, i tell him its because he withdraws so im becoming gaurded and questioning... for the last 3 months weve had arguments (that start when i ask him a question about us). Finally 2 weeks ago, we had a sit down about his wishy-washy behaviour and so i asked him what he needs- he'd say "i don't need anything" or share what he's thinking and he didnt really share much but i picked up on what hes demeanor. We had a lovely dinner a few days after...He broke up with me, via text, a week saying thay he has been anxious and uncertain...this is after i asked if he is interested in spending more time with me

[@fine_Geh]

I'm not sure if it's because of me getting anxious, asking for his assurance and ruining the chill vibe and he changed his mind😢 I need help

[@ds37215]

Sounds like a DA. He gets frightened off every time he opens up and you two get close. Run; save yourself before you get sucked in deep and are left with the permanent trauma of this confusing, toxic dynamic.

[@ksref]

I've dealt with this off & on. I could predict the absence following great connection. His awareness of it didn't seem to matter. I'm realizing there was never a real chance of it working and I have to look elsewhere.

[@marianabucio6047]

Hmmm, this is a little TOO accurate for me

[@LD71685]

Feel like you’ve made this video multiple times?

[@Steph15664]

If an FA breaks up with you for stonewalling will they forgive eventually?

[@DinzyLinzy]

Stonewalling is the thing that causes me to detach the most permanently. I could forgive, if someone worked on changing that behavior. But if someone says they will stop stonewalling, but then falls back into that habit, it completely breaks my trust in them.