The Top 5 Reasons Fearful Avoidant Attachment Lose Attraction in Relationships

[@HeyitsJade]

As a fearful avoidant I approve this message , but I would also add rejection . That’s a big one for me as soon as I get the slightest inkling I’m not wanted , I’m out and I don’t look back .

[@hanmanteomkar]

feels more like DA than FA

[@Mermaid03_03]

Yes! Maybe that falls under one-sided.

[@harry-james-books]

@@hanmanteomkar FA is DA with extra gaslighting and hot and cold

[@hanmanteomkar]

@@harry-james-books cannot disagree there. Stay aware fellas!

[@DeadMysticx]

is that also if you are the dumper? Like you dumped somebody and the other one doesnt chase you, maybe even delete you everywhere after months of no contact. That you are feeling rejected now?

[@Mermaid03_03]

#5 is a dealbreaker. Reciprocity is huge. No one-sided relationships.

[@csilver9625]

My heart was ripped out by a my ex Fiance with FA. One week we were shopping for engagement rings, the next weekend she told me she never had any chemistry with me… and she was just done. It was like a light switch had turned off instantly in her. She went from 100% in to all the way out in an instant.

[@faith6809]

Omg 💔 so sorry 😢

[@Bluepearl187]

My ex did the same. Gave me gifts everyday leading up to my birthday and the next day said he was done.

[@csilver9625]

@@Bluepearl187 it’s it’s mind blowing. She told me she wanted to make sure I had an amazing birthday but then two days later she told me that she couldn’t tell me she loved me anymore until she actually felt it. (That’s when she told me she had FA and it had been triggered because of how committed our relationship was getting)

[@Bluepearl187]

@@csilver9625 It is! I don’t think he knows he is FA. I’m just learning about it since the breakup 2 weeks ago. He told me he felt trapped but still loved and cared about me. He didn’t want to work it out because he was sure it wasn’t going to work. Mind you, he monkey branched to a co-worker 2 days later and moved in with her.

[@listening-glistening]

I hate this for you. I’m so sorry ❤

[@Sidera17]

#5 is the absolute killer every time. I am infrequently attracted to people, but when I do fall, I become infatuated quickly, faster than most people. I don't experience an "emotional dating stage level" of attraction. I get to know you and after chatting a few tines, it's absolutely on or absolutely not. There's no gradation. So when I go "absolutely on," I'm intense and move fast with direction, and I expect the same from my prospective partner. If they don't synch up fast enough, I burn out waiting for them and assume they are not interested enough. They've usually got a 2 week window and like mentioned, if not engaged, I just "shut off" and it's done, even when I don't want to. The shutoffs themselves are so unpredictable that they have become traumatic. I perceive the others' slowness to warm as either juggling multiple people, being uncertain about me, not prioritizing potential interpersonal connections to the level I do (maybe they're more about career, etc), or not being able to experience intensity of attraction on the same level as I do. All of this will emotionally starve me and trigger me if there are multiple people involved. I recognize that most people don't move as fast and deliberately as I do and I assume it is biological. DAs and I are like oil and water. Other FAs, if on the same page, can, as well as AAs and, unfortunately, predators lovebombing. I feel odd telling others what my needs are in this situation because part of it is not under the other person's control (how fast they attach). I can't tell someone, "My need is that you have to be as infatuated with me as I am with you.". That's impossible to meet, or people will pretend to be, only to reveal they "rushed in later" to please me, which breaks my trust and I leave again. lol

[@Warrior_Princess_1111]

I love your honesty. Thank you. ❤

[@DaveE99]

Is it trust broken or you never learned to develop it to begin with.

[@Luis913Barroeta]

This describes my FA ex. The closer we got by meeting friends and family, it would trigger her and then would end it after these vulnerable scenarios. EVERY SINGLE TIME 💯

[@hipnhappenin]

How often were you off then on?

[@Luis913Barroeta]

@@hipnhappenin She would try to end it and i would leave her alone for several days then would come back. Lasted about 14 months

[@diazalbn]

@@Luis913Barroeta me and my FA gf still on a break for 25 days now, i don't think she would come back but i'll wait.

[@sherriflemming3218]

Break the destructive cycle. Happy aligned couples don't break up.

[@harry-james-books]

@@diazalbn Do yourself a favour and get a new phone number, and date someone else. The longer you stay, the worse it will get. You cannot win with these people.

[@Mermaid03_03]

This is me for sure. If I feel mistrust or like someone is coming on too strong before a connection is built (for me), I’m out.

[@untamedwildhorse]

Me too

[@vicklou]

Nailed it. Don't shut off or shut down as a conscious choice, but more in response to going off someone in attraction (broken trust, boundaries, needs, reciprocity, unseen/matter) or feeling claustrophobic. Delicate balance between the two.

[@Sidera17]

So many people think it is conscious! The most heartbreaking moments for me have been when I am really into a person, want to be with them, and then the fear triggers the attraction to shut off, but my desire to BE with them still remains. I tried staying with a few people after this happened but I could never get the attraction back so I left. People have NO idea what is happening when I leave because usually I am heartbroken AS I break up with them because I still WANT to be with them but know whatever biochemicals were there just zapped away. They don't understand and say they feel like I'm reacting as if I was dumped by them. I kid you not, the last person this happened with I lost attraction for, but then spent almost 8 months trying to move on/pining for them/missing them/grieving the loss, and we hadn't even been in a relationship. I couldn't even look at another person. It makes nonsense to me to feel like you're totally into someone and mooning over them while also experiencing no more attraction to them simultaneously.

[@mercyveritas1125]

@@Sidera17 Love is a choice, u choose who u love. Why are u looking at the wrong things? Love transcends whatever chemicals that brought u together in the first place. If u rely solely on ur feelings for staying with another person, u will never maintain any stable and healthy relationship. When the switch goes off, u should know something is wrong and proceed carefully instead of bailing out immediately

[@Sidera17]

@@mercyveritas1125 I've tried this approach at least 3 or 4 times when I was young. The switch for attraction is what separates romantic/sexual love/desire from platonic love for me and for most of the population. In the instances where I have chosen to stay, we ended up becoming more like friends or roommates and one or both parties eventually felt starved. Imagine being the other person in this situation who wants the romantic elements that have just vanished, and they don't return no matter how hard either of you try. It's not fair to that person. They feel starved. I would start to feel fake and awful and trapped, like I was just going through motions to make another person happy, every single day. There is also an autonomic nervous system component to all this. FAs usually have such a high level of fear due to trauma around attachment which can activate fight or flight all the time. I think the attraction shutting off is also the body trying to preserve itself health-wise. When I have willingly made the choice to stay with people I loved/was attached to AFTER the switch went off, I tried to power through it but I got physically sicker and sicker. I couldn't eat, I lost a lot of weight unintentionally really quickly, I had near-constant panic attacks, migraines, constant digestive upset, dissociated, and had SEIZURES (myoclonic). The closer I attempted to stay to the person the more physically ill I became. I sought treatment in therapy and with medications and the medications only allowed me to stay because they turned me into a zombie. I've only ever HAD to take antidepressants when IN a relationship, mainly to combat all these horrible symptoms. If I am alone, I don't need them and my health improves. I've been single now for 5 years. I completely isolated myself from romantic relationships to test the opposite. My mental health is the best it has been despite the isolation and despite the terrible romantic loneliness. Love may be a choice, but love isn't always enough. I can't sign up to have my body destroyed for love, so when it tells me to run, I listen. I don't know if this will ever be solved in my particular case.

[@jimhershey9809]

Thank you Thais for including the steps for responsibility in number five. I have an FA friend who will use content from the channel to explain their behavior, but not take any ownership of their responsibility in trying to make a change.

[@jess_smwhere]

Maybe I'm not a typing FA if I tried to save relationships despite all of these reasons, especially trust one. But it was so.. it made me empty inside.

[@katcole4779]

I am a runner. Have been for most of my adult life. And I will tell a new partner, Ummm, just so you know, I’m a runner. 😢

[@Warrior_Princess_1111]

I think as long as you explain to them the things that will trigger your flight response and you can have an open conversation about it and they can respect your boundaries and be understanding then you might not feel the need to run. I personally never ran from a secure person as a FA. Only those with some sort of insecure attachment style.

[@djenning90]

As an FA, I found this to be very relevant and helpful. Thank you!

[@r_and_a]

as an FA, #5 has absolutely been my biggest lifelong challenge & pds helped me realize it's often my subconcious emergency exit 🥴 understanding that, & more about DAs, has helped transform my current relationship when i was rather young, i had a partner who cheated that i forgave partly as they weren't sober at the time but when they regifted something i'd given them my trust was irrevocably broken 🤪 incredibly grateful for all the compassionate insight this channel offers to help us better understand ourselves & others so we can learn to better communicate & grow as individuals as well as in relationships 💜 best wishes to all!

[@ShimmerSoulSong]

Gotta be specific about needs, standards, ecpectations

[@markcafebrown2883]

Thanks! Happy Easter Thais.🐇🐇🐇🐇🐇 thank you for another outstanding video

[@Growwithgrace101]

The more I hear the more I realise how exhausting it was to be with a FA. Feels like whatever you do it's never going to last....one wrong move and bam they are gone. Heaven and hell 😢

[@shedagirl1726]

EXACTLY!! NOT WORTH EVEN DEALING WITH

[@Growwithgrace101]

@@shedagirl1726 irony is I am FA but I would never do these things..I recognise my shit and work on it.

[@jess_smwhere]

Yes to everything, especially to 1 and 5. Also, losing feeling of safety in a dangerous environment, but it's everyone's thing, not only FA.

[@PookieNarc119]

Would rather not deal with them. I can't do 100/100 things right. Am a human being too

[@harry-james-books]

Best way. Get out and move on

[@tinyboxtim347]

Hi, could you possibly point me to, or consider making a video about the effect that toxic avoidance behaviors have on the partner? I have been really struggling with my partner and not only feel like they just don’t get the amount of pain it causes me, but I even question myself sometimes and how valid my feelings are. It would mean a lot to me. Thank you

[@danilaroche1156]

If your not married you should take a long break. Your facing a world of hurt with this man. I'd pray on it.

[@SK-no2pp]

Have you considered why you are continuing to put up with toxic behaviors? Have you considered why you’re in this relationship if your feelings are constantly invalidated?

[@nicholasbrajkovic1710]

This is so accurate. Like down to the T. You named everything that happened before my ex dumped me.

[@AliValentine143]

OT; Dr Gibson in royal blue 💙 😍! Also, thank you endlessly for the courses! My Mom had a real break thru healing moment with me this month when I was able to articulate my DA-responses to her FA style when I was a kid. I'm OK if her and I are never a healthy dynamic but some healing was nice to see and for her validate instead of deny, when in the decades before my nervous system would hit fight or flight and I wouldn't have attempted to speak up nor have the skill and esteem to. I don't carry the Mother-Wound anymore but I am aware of what was lost due to her own unhealed FA style. I started these free KZbin videos years before I started the paid courses and am grateful I stick to it!

[@gatorssbm]

Oddly my fears rose up again around a year later and ngl got a bit worried itd not last or theyd lose interest despite how good things are right now but its nice to see Im not in a danger zone moreso I can now feel the weight of the investment. Uploaded literally the day after these doubts sprouted up but of course thanks to this channel theyre a lot easier to manage.

[@StKrane]

Really helpful! Thank you! I just got to understand something vital about myself!

[@eac2020]

I’m DA and FA and it’s horrible. I recognize it and am trying to change, but it’s terrifying.

[@lisahosp9163]

I just left the Personal Development School Facebook group, and thought you should know that I expected feedback from people on there to be more tactful, not one person said anything resembling uplifting advice...I don't expect sugar coated feedback but didn't expect the rudeness either

[@untamedwildhorse]

Which attachment style are you if you don't mind sharing? I'm just curious...

[@lisahosp9163]

@@untamedwildhorse I am AP

[@untamedwildhorse]

@@lisahosp9163 Thanks for disclosing. May I ask what your experience was?

[@moskvaprivet]

@@lisahosp9163 Yes, that group is extremely negative. Lots of complaints and sad personal stories instead of solutions. Left it too.

[@TimothyBerrier-td4fe]

Very informative, thank you.❤

[@mercyveritas1125]

The top reason for FA losing attraction? U are too good for em by being secure, charming, consistent, and everything else. It triggers their deactivation becoz they are so used to chaos and trauma. When they are in a healthy and safe environment, they actually feel fear cuz it's so unfamiliar to em. That fear overrides their attraction eventually

[@boinkbonk2]

those first two sentences just turned me off 💀

[@harry-james-books]

Spot on. The more you "get it right" for them, the more you get it wrong. There's only one way and that's out the door and never look back

[@diskursm8558]

@SunshineAndSnowflakes exactly, you know about your flaws and this is the big difference between FA who doesnt understand their own reactions

[@diskursm8558]

@@CeeP211 I am sure that after some inner work we will fall in love only with Secure ones or someone who is working on theirself to be more secure. Everything in our hands:^)

[@alissaa2809]

i know u want this to ne true, but thats just Not the Case. nobody just lets go kg an amazing Person. more likely you were just Not their cup of tea, and it's sad but ok.

[@Twighlight333]

Oooohhhh i couldnt agree more, i hate some one that is sooo dependent on me! Like do you not have a life? Hobbies? Goals? And then you come at me with your expectations, and your expectations are you want me to live my life just like you, which is have no life and just focus on you and be dependent on you, we dont have to talk everyday alllll day (if we are living apart), for you to feel loved by me. Small talk is soooo boring and if we are in constant communication the exciting feeling is lost and it just becomes a boring chore that i have to do everyday that ill end up resenting and just go my separate way

[@hipnhappenin]

Do you identify as DA?

[@hurricaneaquatics]

​@@hipnhappeninShe should.

[@hurricaneaquatics]

@Twighlight333 So in other words, you don't want a real relationship, you just want a toy on the shelf that activates when you want it? You might want to look into cluster B personality disorders.

[@thiacari]

You're too harsh on her. Who would want to talk every day all day? I've been married for a decade, and since day one I've kept my life and independence, and we talk but no need to hash everything every day.

[@hurricaneaquatics]

@@thiacari I didn't mean every 10 minutes, but why have a relationship if you don't want to be around that person? That's a temporary toy, not a relationship. Hard on her? Let me assure you, her behavior will be devastating on an individual who knows nothing about attachment styles and is looking for a relationship.

[@hipnhappenin]

#3. Ooph. That was our situation. I regret it immensely

[@hipnhappenin]

How do you know if it's any of this or just loss of attraction/interest in general?

[@cheeseoneverythingplease]

kzbin.info/www/bejne/lYfIhIWAoNd-m8kfeature=shared

[@JosephStockdale-q5n]

Thank you 🙏🏼

[@zaram131]

I’m only FA if I don’t feel emotionally safe or accepted by this person. When I feel a deep connection, I’m not avoidant at all. How much of this is actually dependent upon the person we are in the relationship with???

[@Ad-nu4tk]

would I be able to work with you directly in session?

[@fubao588]

If they do not wan then don't force, exercise self-control or just commit lesser

[@jessemills4956]

What if you catch your female FA being dishonest, though? With the same inconsistencies, and they deflect or dismiss etc.

[@shannonlogue-chrysalisfitn8572]

Is it just me or are these the same reasons that would cause an SA to lose attraction also?

[@GeoffreyAngapa]

At the very least, breaking trust is the universal destroyer of relationships.

[@jinxme]

Am fearful avoid attac in love with dissmissive avoid

[@user-ez9tz4vt4g]

A lot of this sounds reasonable for normal people too though...

[@gogohappygirl]

1. Broken trust 2. Violating boundaries 3. Too many expectations 4. Feeling trapped 5. One sided relationships

[@harry-james-books]

Steer completely clear of anyone you sense is Fearful Avoidant. You'll waste your time, and at best, you'll get sucked into a repetitively destructive, chronically toxic relationship that will hollow you out and take you twice as long to heal from as it lasts. At worst, you'll end up traumatised and mentally damaged.

[@jinxme]

Lol its truly not happening ... love is irrationale

[@harry-james-books]

@@jinxme 😄 It takes a special kind of fool to go through the mangle with more than one FA 😄

[@glsn3825]

Hi thais what about if we as partner of FA loose trust because of multiple breakups? My Fa blamed me for loosing trust.. and left me

[@thiacari]

Sounds like he just wanted to leave and made something up. If someone is continuously hot and cold, it's secure and natural to say "Your volatile actions are hurting me, so I'm going to have to advance carefully, I have to protect my heart a bit, I can't totally trust your actions."

[@glsn3825]

@@thiacari yes but he took it as a blame because he didn’t realize he was hot and cold, he was going through difficult times asked for space and I got anxious because he had to deal with it, communicated less and as I was still affected by the breakup I got anxious and thought he is going to leave me again which was not the case apparently. I was also scared that he was talking to another girl.. even if he never cheat

[@harry-james-books]

Gaslighting you that it's your fault is par for the FA course

[@glsn3825]

@@harry-james-books I just needed reassurance 🤷🏻‍♀️

[@thiacari]

@@glsn3825 I am older and have discussed in depth his traumas, so with my FA relationship taking space and silence no longer worry me. I'm also very secure thanks to my with my work/friends/family. Your reaction is TOTALLY a normal response to someone being quiet and taking space. If you want to be with a FA, you have to know that it will be years, even decades before he learns to effectively manage these feelings. If you have anxious tendencies, an FA relationship sounds like a torture device.

[@Callahan-w8j]

That Kardashian vocal fry makes it so hard hear the substance of what she's saying. Shame because the content is so pertinent to my situation but damn it's grating.

[@danilaroche1156]

She has a nice voice but she's young. They don't emote or present with sophistication.

[@LeeChrissy]

Love her voice. It matches her. ❤

[@Callahan-w8j]

@SunshineAndSnowflakes lucky

[@Callahan-w8j]

@@LeeChrissy Can't agree with that but enjoy the overall videos she puts out. Cheers!

[@harry-james-books]

Blame her dentist?