Therapist Reacts When Should a Person Forgive?

[@ajw.5173]

It enrages me when people say "This is your mother/father" as if that gives the parent carte blanche to abuse their children. Parents have a responsibility to keep their children safe. If the parent fails at that and has no remorse & takes no responsibility for their failure as a parent (and a human), it is OKAY for the survivor to have no contact, if that's what's best for their mental health. Please, DO NOT EVER SAY "But it's your mom/dad..." Abuse is abuse and justifying it is wrong!

[@aussie_has_fomo]

💯

[@fourleafclover2064]

Exactly. Just because she gave birth to you doesn't mean she deserves to be your mom or in your life

[@terraguttierez2996]

youre not a mother or father if you abuse your children. people who say things like that are just plainly ignorant, never experienced it or are abusers/ enablers themselves.

[@nathalieboghe7245]

Yesss

[@77devon]

@@aussie_has_fomo aussie!! i love you!! it makes me happy seeing you on a video like this (well ''happy'' might not be the right word), i hope you choose you whatever that looks like for you < 3

[@maxfreer6455]

When that lady said “I understand all of their points, but this is your mother” seems like a really stupid hill to die on after hearing someone share the most traumatic moments of their life. Smh.

[@ekalorschmekalor2885]

Every time someone talks about how they’re now a mother (unprovoked) and how “we’re doing the best we can as parents” just know that they will support the abuse and SA of children cause they want to be forgiven in the case that they “do the same thing by accident”. Vile people to me as an abuse victim. Hate them with every fiber of my being.

[@angelicamanjarres3179]

I'm sorry but "It's your mother".... is a pathetic argument. It exactly the reason why parents get away with abusing their children.

[@aussie_has_fomo]

💯💯💯

[@TheBlaBla339]

Also we have to remember that they're our parents but they can just forget the "it's your son / daughter" rethoric.

[@nissango]

That is one of the phrases that upsets me the most when it comes to parent-child conflict. Yes that is my mom/dad, which is why the betrayal hurts more than anything else. They made a choice to bring me into this world and were therefore the ONLY two people on the planet with an actual obligation to look after my physical, emotional, and mental wellbeing. They failed. Why is it the child's job to look past that? Especially if the parent is not even somewhat apologetic? Put that energy of trying to maintain a troublesome relationship into healing and finding peace within yourself instead.

[@Suited_Nat]

@@nissangothis ^

[@nickandrews2255]

I hear this. We deserve better we really do to realise how they failed us it hurts so badly it really does I feel super hurt by my parents they failed so horrifically it’s really really horrifically horrific to hear plus be with it really really is horrific to hear it really isCHEEEeeeeeeEeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRSSSSsaaa

[@SimplyBrina30]

I hate the “it's your parents” excuse. Like okay and…. I was their child and I didn't ask to be here. It's really manipulative to say that to someone

[@unebaguette9745]

Also the argument goes the other way. Yeah she is my mother, that's why it hurts more than someone else would, why I have a hard time forgiving...

[@MsTwissy]

I agree. As someone who grew up with a healthy relationship with both my parents it was always hard for me to understand the insane concept of a mother not being good or genuinely being happier without people in your life. It took meeting my now husband and seeing his relationship with his parents and how they treated him and his sisters for me to be like. Oh they’re not automatically a supportive person in your life.

[@nonmilavoda]

Everything is manipulative, it doesn't matter

[@Howdyjason]

@@nonmilavoda it kind of does mate

[@EyeconicLaura]

It’s always “it’s your parent” but never “it’s your child”

[@kaypendergast5676]

My father died in 2015. I last saw him in 1993. He was horrible to me... When I walked out I 1993 it was over. I knew he was dying in 2015 from Alzheimers... but he had already gone by then. I never saw him again. He never asked to see me in all that time. I never mattered. I thought I might feel regret after he passed but I didn't. Instead there was peace. He could no longer hurt me. EVER. No regrets. None. Just sadness that he missed out on a great daughter. I never deserved him as a father.

[@Jaguar24-r5m]

Those last two sentences are so powerful. You deserve all the peace 💜

[@s1eepymommaaa]

Proud of you and glad you got the peace you deserve! ❤️

[@kati.88]

This comforted me. I am basically no contact with my parents right now and people always say “well what if they were dying would you even say goodbye?” Like I am the cruel one… right now my answer is no I wouldn’t. That could change but I’m ok with it being no for right now. Thank you for sharing your experience and I’m sorry you had to deal with that♥️

[@bangbangtan7388]

@@kati.88 We live in a society that most of the times puts the blame or pressuere in the victims, sometimes bc they are older than us and we ¨owe ¨ them respect or bc they are our parents... we all have normalized putting them before us and that sucks but ig thse people who tell u that are also victims of what was teached to us all since we were little but they dont have the right to tell u what or not to do bc only you know what u went through. Blood doesnt mean a thing, no one has tried to hurt me more than my own family and even tho i dream with a big family i could go when im sad or happy or a family to spend chrismas with... i already accepted that is not possible and i just moved on and is hard but it gets better. People or even you could think forgiving them is the only way to find peace but being away, learning and being FREE of them, their words and actions is the most healing part, sometimes when u are more far away u feel better, as if you could finally breathe. You dont owe nothing to your parents and to people, you owe YOU to heal and be happy, keep going and stay strong bc we are our own biggest supporters.

[@kristy5698]

My siblings and I had a very similar experience with our father, he wasn’t horrible but he wasn’t great either, we didn’t see him for years. Last minute we found out he was dying. My sisters and I, didn’t & still don’t care

[@melis6294]

The abuses of a mother to her child shouldn't even put up to debate. That woman chose everyone but her own daughter. She never tried to make amends with her daughter.

[@ComedyGlor]

​@@jj6980exactly when I watched the video at first I thought the mom was making some effort at least. But when I heard it was completely one sided I was floored as to why there was even a conversation taking place. Obviously its a waste of time

[@ComedyGlor]

@@jj6980 I meant her trying to get closure from her mom is a waste of time not this conversation 👍🏽

[@ComedyGlor]

@@jj6980 I can see why you thought I meant that, my apologies

[@gaceofspades]

I can't stand when people say, "But oh this is your family. You HAVE TO do this because think about the sacrifices they made." Stop that nonsense. "Blood is thicker than water" is something people love to say, but what they don't know is that the meaning of this saying is the opposite of what they use it as. The saying actually says is "the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb" -> chosen bonds are more significant than bonds by chance

[@m27049]

And we have been told that phrase very out of context and not in full. The full saying (in the context of the bible) says "the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb" which really highlights how the bonds we make can be greater than any genetic connections we have with people.

[@Emogyal]

I’ve been estranged from my entire family and religious community for over 10 years. Although many (including myself) believed the only solution was to cut ties and find my chosen family, it’s easier said than done. In this age, it’s very difficult to maintain friendships and relationships. Everyone is quick to drop people or life circumstances can change and drift people apart. Losing your first chosen family member will hurt like no other which would trigger memories of losing your first family. I was scared to allow people in because I was fearful of losing another family member again. I’m not saying family estrangement is not necessary but don’t try to romanticize it without acknowledging the cost of choosing to cut ties. It’s literally the most painful, scariest and loneliest experience to be on your own. You wouldn’t understand unless you went through it

[@sierra9828]

THIS thank you! people always get this phrase backwards

[@delilahbelle2125]

Knowing that mom is dying, she knows she is dying, and still defending her decision to protect the abuser, then that tells me she still doesn't think she did anything wrong. What can this individual possibly get from seeing her mom one last time? Yes, it's her mother, and her MOTHER continues to fail her all the way to the grave. You don't have to see her one more time to forgive this woman. You can let go of your disappointment and pain in not having the mom you needed without having to put eyes on your abuser again.

[@Alisonws]

Preach!! 💯 👏🏻

[@Suited_Nat]

I agree. I understand Jennifer’s point to talk about the situation. And the thing is though, the anonymous’ persons’ mother continues to abuse her and treat her horribly. I don’t think the victim needs to mend the relationship. The victim tried hard to mend, and while I don’t think that’s a criteria for whether or not a abuser deserves mends, relationships are a two way street, and from what the victim has told us, their mother doesn’t give a shit.

[@hannahschneider300]

“failing all the way to the grave” was a very healing statement for me to read. I never thought of it that way just because they’re dying doesn’t mean they are exempt from trying.

[@MyDuckSaysFucc]

The answer from the start is NO. NO, do not forgive abusive parents, especially as we learn she is in a cult and purposefully hid the evidence of sexual abuse. People only change when they want to. Children will keep on trying to love their parents, and as I watch this video I see that is the case. Children need their parents to survive, it’s just an outdated survival mechanism that is now causing agony to this innocent person. She needs to let go, stop trying to be emotionally vulnerable to her “mother”. As for the terminal cancer, I call that karma. Anyone who supports sexual abuse of children, especially their own children, doesn’t belong in society. Best case, lock them up. Worse case, death. This is unacceptable behavior and has scarred the victim for life. A life for a life I say. Stop becoming parents if you can’t handle the responsibility.

[@jenthejenius]

I'm 100% in agreement with you. I do still feel sympathy for these victims because in their situation there's a huge amount of guilt hanging on them, and the abusive parent most likely is further adding guilt on the child. It must take an immense change in conviction or pure ignoring your own feelings of guilt to break out of the situation.

[@bratwurstmitbiryani]

Depends really on what kind of abuse and the kind of apology we get. There's no general answer to this case.

[@Kendricklamarslawyer]

@@bratwurstmitbiryaniabuse is abuse. Doesn’t matter what abuse.

[@RiBread0]

I think you missed the point of this video

[@goodfightwithGod]

It's aggressive but I agree in the accountability of the mother. The answer is "NO" no matter the reasoning.

[@jt4351]

The last thing my father told me was a text message when we hadn't lived in the same country for years, and it said: "I wish you were with a woman instead of a man." Two weeks later he died of COVID. I was relieved that after 10+ years of being out, he still couldn't get past that. I was relieved I didn't have to try and be the bigger person. I grieved a relationship with a father figure I would never have, but not the person who died. He was a great dad when I was a child. He was terrible in my early adulthood. It's been two years, and I am at peace. I love how Stephanie approaches it from "what aligns with your values" instead of what society says. That's what gives you true inner peace at the end of the day.

[@oshinofalakoju5749]

Thank you so much for sharing this with us. Wow.

[@kul2130]

Omg, thank u for this comment. I think i feel something similar to my father as a trans guy. I guess whats left for me is to became a better dad than my father that he never truly were.

[@Suited_Nat]

I agree with this. My father is still alive, but he’s never accepted me. The only thing I’ve mourned is an actual healthy father/child relationship with my father.

[@cuddlemonster468]

I'm sorry that you didn't get the relationship you deserved. Some of us get really shitty parents. I left home when I was 14. One of the last things my dad said was "people like that should have their heads on a pike" I turned towards him and clarified that he was talking about people like me. He stood by his statement so I left. Now he has stage 4 lung cancer and people can't seem to understand why we aren't "mending fences" despite knowing his behavior has not improved with age. The most upsetting part for me is that when I think of his passing I feel safer, I feel relieved. None of get to choose who our biological parents are but we do get to choose our family. It was his choice to not be apart of mine.

[@lilmakori]

Wow watching this made me realize would be a terrible therapist cause if I was her therapist I would tell her not to forgive her. When this girl said her mother destroyed evidence of her abuse I was convinced she shouldn’t forgive her mother. That shows me she doesn’t care about her daughter on a fundamental level.

[@CreativeC13]

I mean I don't think all therapists would encourage forgiveness

[@xxcryssmarie224]

Yea me too bc from the first question I said no 😭

[@helena_8478]

For real. How the hell do you even do that to your child? I would be screaming piss on her grave and try to build a happier life for yourself.

[@kari_haruna9109]

I would've told her that she doesn't have to forgive her put it's obvious the girl isn't trying to force herself to forgive her mother, she does forgive her, she's just still hurt and doesn't have the time to heal past that before her mom does :(

[@fetB]

not necessarily. Just because someone calls themself a therapist, doesnt mean they're a good one. Sometimes therapists are just broken people themselves

[@UnbrokenParticle29]

"Both boxes really suck for me, and I like the possibilities in this box more." is so powerful, if you really think about it. The power of the decisions we make, and the reflection of our choices.

[@rissmarie6134]

“this is your mother” … and as a mother she is meant to be the adult and protect her child. this girl should not have to be the bigger person towards her own parent who did not help her at her lowest

[@gmc5618]

Instead, "thats your daughter" She chose her actions, she doesn't deserve the title of mother

[@dariasmeh]

The foundation of all families is "found" family because people don't create offspring with their siblings - they find a stranger and make a family. So to find and connect to people outside of blood and create family is as normal as to be related to people with blood and call them family.

[@pabiedaisy8164]

Never looked at it that way, thank you.

[@Grace-ip6gl]

Wow this is profound. Thank you for sharing.

[@ComedyGlor]

Unless you're in alabama or a royal

[@dariasmeh]

@@ComedyGlor facts!

[@claudiaaifuwa4319]

Wow this is soo profound

[@lauren-ww1ip]

I wouldn't forgive the mom for all of them, especially the one where the mom purposely destroyed the evidence of the sexual abuse in the cult. i'm aggravated that the group asked "how many times have YOU tried to amend it?" as if it's HER fault that her mother was incredibly narcissistic and abusive to her child. i'm disgusted honestly. my mother and her husband (step father) are my abusers, and on top of that their relationship was and is incredibly toxic.

[@MyDuckSaysFucc]

I agree. It’s repulsive to me when they moved to the yes box when they heard the mom was dying. Well guess what? Karma exists, some people deserve it! If your mother knew about sexual abuse towards you and actively worked to hide it and let it go on, then the bitch is just an accomplice and as bad as the one who raped you.

[@mellamotina5100]

yuppp. if the mom was replaced by an aunt or an uncle or a family friend EVERYONE would’ve been in the unforgiving situation. People are too sympathetic to someone who has done something horrible to a child.

[@XD-pl8qu]

I would've asked the same question, not to see if she was "trying hard enough" or something, but to see if this was as one-sided as it sounded like. Knowing that she had been trying to amend their relationship her whole life, it's only further proof that her mom is never going to actually put any effort into doing the same. Maybe they had a bad intetion with that question, but i can see how it could have been made with good intention too

[@aishaplummer2058]

Absolutely not,I learned the hard way. My Father was abusive to me, my sister and my Mom. We got a restraining order against him and he had to leave the house. A year later he an aneurysm, we visted him in the hospital. After months, he had a recovery, but still needed care and a place to live. Long story short as he got physically stronger he went back to his old way. This week I had to call the cops on him because he threatened to kill my Mom with a knife.

[@Hahadot]

You must be feeling very difficult for this happened I hope that you are able to cut the tie and stay safe with the rest of the family members

[@aishaplummer2058]

@@Hahadot Thank you

[@Ioan-VictorStan]

bro we live the same life wow. i think last year there were like 6 calls to the police and this year already like 2 i don t even remember it s all the same everytime.. rlly bad police where i live. i honestly don t know how to help u the way i see it since i was born is that i need to make lots lots lots of money but it s hard

[@aishaplummer2058]

@@Ioan-VictorStan wow everything really becomes blur. That's so true.

[@stamzthehuman897]

Did things ever get better...

[@maddiebarlow]

as a teen who has an abusive mother, and who has also cut contact with her five years ago, the worst thing to hear is “it’s your mother.” it does not matter if you are related to someone, even if it is your father or mother. if they are abusive, you do not need to have them in your life. it is so biased towards mothers too. if this video was about a father, people would lean more towards the person not having a relationship with him.

[@vivsevs1087]

This is what I struggle with. Over the years I always grappled with feeling like I got full empathy from every person I confided in about my narcissistic mother. I felt if this was my dad instead, I would get more complete empathy. People will place mothers on a pedestal just because they carried us. I'm glad you are estranged from your mom and wish us both the best in finding other feminine, loving figures in our lives.

[@fourleafclover2064]

My heart goes out to this person. She deserves love, justice, and respect, which her mother never gave her. I hope she finds peace in herself

[@evakamenna2916]

I almost lost my mum to cancer when I was 14. We didn´t have a very nice relationship, she loves me, but she is emotionally very much unstable and there was a lot of violence when I grew up. And the urgency that "I am not getting another mother" made me close my eyes to a lot of unhealthy stuff and "apologised" for the behaviour of my mom. It backlashed terribly, I gained a false sense of security just to lose the relationship around my wedding. My big question would be: What the mother ever did to heal you?

[@VashtiPerry]

13:17 this is interesting because for the last 7 years I’ve tried to creat peace with my relationship with my mom and what I’ve realized is I have made myself so emotionally available to her that I’ve become so dis regulated. I spent my early 20 states away from her and thriving but as soon as she moved I’m with me I couldn’t handle being put back in the same place I was as a child. I’ve been struggling and my whole life has fallen apart because I’ve not been able to cope with trying to forgive her and develop a “normal” relationship with her. Literally this week I’ve decided I don’t have to mend anything and I’m going my separate way. The whole second half of my 20s and the first part of my 30s trying to create a good relationship with her has been hell. She is a nice person but is a predictable oppressive negligence that she has for me and my brother that awakens stress, anxiety and no self worth in me. I’m not an angry child anymore but I’m making my decision so I can thrive again and live a loving life. ❤

[@mpGreen03]

Could ou share some more? You said your mom is nice but....

[@Ioan-VictorStan]

ur mom will never fucking care... she will always care just about her ass...you re the only one that tries to do something and that fuckig energy that u have is more precious than trying to explain how u feel to a bozo

[@zeekay3205]

I see where you are in your journey and I am rooting for you ❤. Not an easy place to get to (proud of you), but not the last place you'll be (it only gets better even if it doesn't feel so- such a journey is one of the hardest things you'll do). Be gentle with yourself. Keep doing the work. One foot in front of the other on your path of healing. You are strong and you got this. So proud of you. ❤

[@lauren-ww1ip]

the expectation of being rejected by people who claim to love us is BRUTAL. i hope she's able to move on, without her mother, peacefully. i am moving on from my mother's grips as well. take care of yourselves yall

[@doesntreply]

"it's your mother" no it's a person who chose to bring you into this world and mistreated you, that's not a mother. People who are abused seek comfort and love and approval from their abuser because they've been abused. People feel sad and regretful when their abusive parents are dying or asking for forgiveness because they've been abused into that mindset. We don't have an identity until we rebuild it, we are broken and lost and especially when a mother abuses their children it destorys you, you have to find and rebuild yourself away from the abuser before you can ever make a clear or true choice on how you want to handle that person or forgive them. Asking a victim how many times or how hard did they try to repair the relationship is not okay, a victim doesn't owe their abuser shit. And you need to make sure they're okay and know themselves before you ever encourage them into going back to that relationship or to try and repair it. We feel sad and want to fix the relationship because it hurts to know what gave you life doesn't care for you and we want them to love us that's why so many victims of abusive parents try so hard. If someone's partner treated them the same way most of them would say to not forgive or leave them, but when it's a parent some people will make any excuse for why you should stay around them. Blood isn't everything and not everyone who has a kid is a mother or father

[@marieap6945]

Excellent response. Thank you

[@jojo_maciel]

Thank you for your words. I feel like someone just step up and protected me and respected my perspective, my experience ❤

[@itsty4short392]

People wouldn’t be saying this if it was a boyfriend or girlfriend… but because somehow it’s your mother, it’s supposed to be forgiven you’re right, that’s the person’s mother they gave birth of them, so why would they use their power to abuse them?

[@kathydelarosa1286]

You have a valid point because it is all categorized as a toxic relationship

[@Petra-ms3ku]

I’m going through this decision right now. BPD mom, Pentecostal church. This helps so much. Both boxes really suck for me too. Love and healing to all of us here.

[@melissaharris3890]

I got blood that isn't family, and family that isnt blood Once you accept that, things become clearer for who deserves forgiveness

[@scullydoctor5585]

Can you be my inner voice, please? You are amazing. I've been to therapists, that were so ignorant and just not a good fit for me. There is so much kindness in your voice and you explain everything so well.

[@Suited_Nat]

Can I just say, only two minutes in and I love this lady. She’s talking about what the client feels is right, rather than what external factors are influencing it. As a victim of abuse from my father, as a 19 year old, I have my mother talking about how I should have a relationship with him. The thing is, I’ve been so hurt by him emotionally, that I can’t really stand to deal with him. I always feel a lot better when I don’t have to deal with him saying hurtful shit to me. For context, there’s a lot more that goes into the situation, but I have been abused emotionally my entire life by my father. And ever since I recognized it as such, it’s helped me understand how I felt, and that it’s okay not to forgive people. I want to mention, years ago, around 5-6 years give or take when I was 13, my father got cancer. And while he’s still alive, the worst part about the experience is how he uses his terminal illness as an excuse to invalidate how I’m feeling, whether it’s physically or mentally. It’s tiring and sickening to have to deal with it. And I completely understand if people want a relationship with their abusive parents, that’s fine. But for me, my fathers abuse, led my brother to hit me for years to the point of not talking to my older sibling out of fear. So yes, I don’t like my father at all. He’s given me so much trauma that I know still deeply affects me to do this day. And yes, I’ve improved immensely with how I deal with my trauma and experience. But it doesn’t change how my father and brothers abusive actions made me form many toxic friendships with people that have harmed me. Ironically, it was through my fathers shit behavior that I realized how much it hurts to not be accepted. Usually most people deal with others not being able to accept them, but for queer folks, there was only so many times that I felt broken when I realized that my father, despite how shitty he was, would act like my identity wasn’t a thing. Honestly, that hurt more than the years of emotional abuse I had when I was 6 and older. Some people might think I’m “taking it too personally.” But the thing is, coming out to my father and stepmother, I was shaking from anxiety and crying. And the response they gave was so cold that I just hid myself from them again. And yes, my father is the stereotypical strict parent. But instead of lying about many big things in my life, I lied about my mental state, my sexuality. Which as a young teen, fucked me up knowing he couldn’t accept me for how I am. Years later though, as ironic as it is, I know he’s very heavily transphobic, and no, I don’t agree with it at all. The irony is the fact that I identify as enby/non-binary, but I simply don’t feel the need to tell him. Because at this point, I’ve realized that I don’t need his acceptance, when all his “acceptance” does is just turn people against each other. All of this is to say, societal expectations are stupid. If your parents are abusive, they aren’t parents, nor do they deserve to be called parents. All I can say to abuse victims and survivors is to please find a safe space, and try to get out of the environment as safely as possible.

[@Suited_Nat]

To also add about my mom: She protected me from my brothers abuse, and is one of the few reasons I’m not a name on gravestone. Also, hopefully my experience can prove that, yes, words hurt. And that being accepting is something society needs more as a whole.

[@gmc5618]

Hey I've read your story and I fully believe you were abused and you deserve a better future

[@katrina3560]

This hits home in a parallel way to what I am experiencing with my Mother, but involves the recent death of my little brother. I wish this woman peace in her life. I appreciate this video. This helps me to process my current feelings in life.

[@Yukki._.]

As someone who wants to be a therapist, I just found these types of videos… these are so helpful oh my gosh

[@Matthew-gl6ni]

As soon as she said her mother was still in contact with the abuser and his family, I knew she wasn't going to get a positive reaction from the experience with her mother.

[@ettinakitten5047]

Partly that depends on her mindset. I agree it's very unlikely her mother will listen to her and make any effort to make amends for her own mistakes. But sometimes just being able to tell yourself that you gave them every chance and they threw it away even at the end can bring more peace than wondering what could have happened.

[@brandyk]

I think the more difficult choice is box 2 and glad she made it. Good for her for contacting law enforcement as well . like she said both boxes suck n there is no right or wrong. I think doing the thing that is most difficult to do is usually the best.

[@thecometkingdom]

I just went no contact with my Dad after over a decade of bargaining and emotional labor to gain his acceptance and approval after I came out of the closet at 16. I think what a lot of people don't necessarily understand is that cutting off a parent is quite literally the LAST LAST LAST thing any of us want to do. It is so uniquely challenging, especially if you are a victim of narcissistic abuse and gaslighting where you are conditioned to believe that your needs don't matter and you cannot trust your own reality. There is so much grieving in coming to terms with the fact that abuse even occurred, so much fucking guilt. So my heart just goes out to this specific mystery person and everyone else who has had their heart broken by one of the people who should be your safe haven in this life

[@lifewithangelina92]

I love the perspective everyone gave and it was very insightful. I’m happy she choose herself and hope she never feel guilt for doing so.

[@huniebee2999]

When that lady said "But that's your mother" my blood BOILED. Her mother who destroyed evidence of a man abusing her!! Her mother who wouldn't keep her safe or comfort her when she needed it most!! Was her mother thinking "But that's my daughter" when she got the evidence? Absolutely disgusting!!

[@keepmovingforward9775]

Im so proud of her for contacting law enforcement. I wish her peace, love, and abundance. She deserves it

[@sabosage]

It must be so hard to see so many people/all the people say, actually I would forgive her if I was in your shoes and I think you should do the same. This whole pop-therapy experiment is fucked. I truly hope this person is getting actual therapy with a good therapist who makes her feel valid and safe.

[@edalynclawthorne5877]

Yeah, that video was absolutely infuriating and genuinely Daniel was the only saving grace of it for at least asking the right questions

[@Ermlet24]

I love your calm voice and energy. Totally understand why you’re a therapist. Thanks for a really interesting reaction video, definitely adds a lot to the original.

[@chemxoxo2370]

I really like this therapist and how she describes things. She speaks so kindly about people and making your own decisions.

[@haley1976.]

"it's your mother/father" automatic NO. 🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨

[@susannehuber3996]

SAME HERE! ITS YOUR MOTHER SO LET HER ABUSE YOU ?…. What. Noooooooooooo

[@jrshaffer87]

This was such a wonderful video. I related heavily to the victim, and I cried for her. That is such a hard place to be in a relationship with one's mother. I wish her well, whatever happens.

[@ShejlaDelalic]

I really appreciated the depth and clarity with which the topic of forgiveness was discussed. It’s so important to explore different perspectives and arguments, and this video did just that. We need more videos like this to help people better understand complex emotional topics. Thank you for sharing this valuable content!

[@polarberri]

Great video by Jubilee, and excellent breakdown by the therapist! She is so eloquent even in front of a camera. Daniel was so spot on in this video! Intriguing video and I learned a lot from watching.

[@sarahwilliams4092]

The real quote is "the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb" so people don't realize it means the exact opposite of how people use it. The blood of bonds you create (found family, war, etc) is thicker than shared born family (womb). It can pit us through so much trauma and distress thinking rhat we HAVE to this or that because "blood". The only thing we have to do is what is healthy and best for us in our one shot on this earth. We can't choose who we are born into, but we can choose to take care of ourselves as soon as we are able. I saw the original jubilee video. She was amazingly insightful of what she needed.

[@CappuccinoBabino]

Being a 28 year old woman that is struggling to reconcile my relationship with my mother, your feedback ok whay they said helped as much as what they said in the video. Knowing I can give myself what I need is something I never allowed myself to believe and that changes my perspective on my own healing in the future. I just found this channel, and it has been eye-opening, thank you for the work that you do.

[@cmm.2167]

❤ This is the second of your videos I am watching and I love how observant you are, how you articulate your point of view and your values and how the goal of it is always to understand and to put into light what is or could be going on. I am a socialworker / counceler and these are the values I try to stay true to everyday I work with people.

[@CrystalDoveMusic]

This has been so helpful in figuring out what to do about my relationship with my mother. I don't have the answer yet, but feel closer to figuring out what I want to do. Thank you.

[@sytmor]

My therapist has shared a piece of advice with me that has helped me in my own decisions on my relationships with people who have abused me. “Protect your peace”. If it is retraumatizing me and causing me to have panic attacks reconnecting with those people, I have decided to stop; even if they have chosen to go to therapy, to apologize, and are on their death bed. I need to protect my peace because there was a time I couldn’t and they took advantage of that.

[@mustarinmortuza8815]

I would have set up a tent on the 'No' side.

[@Oneofthenailas]

I love Daniel so much and I feel like we all deserve a friend like him in our community. ❤

[@JOvalle135]

This is such a top level video with quality conversation. I'm in awe and admiration.

[@Unknown-us1fc]

I was just going through Steph’s reacting playlist on her channel, so this is a joy to see ❤ what I would give to see a podcast from her…it’s also interesting to think about the perspective that this anonymous person need a mom, and her mom perhaps needed the cult

[@LiveOnaPlanet]

I‘ve randomly clicked on this video tbh I really didn‘t have ANY expectations, but I must say… what‘ve been said in this video has so much value I like your calm energy and also you saying both sides are „right“, that there was no right and wrong, kinda gave me a good feeling Thank you for sharing this

[@GoldenIP321]

Thanks for the breakdown. I watched the original video when it first came out and throughout the video, I was too focused on making a judgment on right and wrong based on my own values. Near the end I was thinking it would’ve been a terrible choice if the individual picked “Yes”. But now I know that if this person really needed validation from their mother for closure then so be it.

[@jasminschmalzl9734]

Right choice girl. As a mother you should want the best for your child, not whats best for yourself or what other people might think.

[@carytreasure]

i need a therapist like her she so insightful fr

[@nicholeayt509]

This is so tricky. I think this person might want to connect with her mother for their own peace of mind. I relate this to attending my mother's wedding when I felt very similarly to what this person is expressing. Ultimately it came down to " in x amount of years, will I regret not being there". I knew the answer might be yes, and that if there was any hope of reconciliation I had to attempt it for myself. It was very hard to stand there, and be there for her, but I did set boundaries, like not taking a happy family photo etc. It's not about what the mother deserves, it is about what this person does, and they deserve peace. I hope they find it regardless of whether they connected with their mother .

[@saushakamara]

I've had a strained relationship with my brother to the point that I hadn't talked to him in 2 or 3 years. I weighed my options of attempting to mend the relationship and decided against. I came to an understanding for myself that I don't need to mend the relationship in order to forgive him and keeping distance was emotionally and psychologically safer for me. He passed away this December, a few days after my birthday, and I don't regret my decision. It doesn't mean I don't love him or had any angst or animosity towards him. It just means I'm not priorizing someone else's peace or needs over my own, regardless of how my family has that "it's your brother/mother/cousin..." mentality.

[@FoxenASMR]

Jennifer really comes across as a woman who can only think in terms of motherhood. My mother is a complex human being like all human beings who never thought of herself only through the lens of motherhood. She was able to put aside a lot and level with me as a human being, which made our relationship better. If she’d ever said to me “well, I’m your mother” to win an argument it would’ve destroyed my image of motherhood and made it meaningless to me. My two cents on using that type of phrasing.

[@CoreyStewart91]

This was really beautiful and poignant and I want to thank you for your kindness- you explained so much, I feel some peace for the first time in a long time

[@Milo-cl2xh]

My dad has been transferred to an elderly home because of his dementia and I'm adamant in not seeing him. My sisters are shaming me for not wanting to see him although he hasn't shown any interest in me or any of the family for 5 years. "He is still your father" is the argument I'm so sick of hearing.

[@sandie1480]

I feel like she wanted her mother to have a peaceful death and be there for her because nobody was ever there for her in her childhood so she knows how much it hurts and doesn’t want that for her mom. I hope she finds someone who’ll care for her.

[@Sushidogbat]

Let be honest just bc someone dying doesn’t mean u have to make up with them. But then at the same time u don’t want to do something you regret. Do what u want for ur own peace

[@red.williams18]

I don't understand why it's my responsibility to rebuild a bond I didn't break

[@molly_mapleleaf]

For me, the reason I won’t try to rekindle a relationship with my parents is because I think it would be damaging to my mental health long term. I already have PTSD from my parents and have tried unsuccessfully to address issues in our relationship in the past. I have come to terms with the fact that they do not believe they have done anything wrong and are unwilling to change. I’m kind of grateful my parents were so neglectful, as it has made it easier for me to cut them out of my life, as they were uninvolved to begin with. I am sad that I don’t get to have that relationship, but I also don’t think I could realistically have it with who my parents are as individuals. You can’t force a relationship, it takes both sides.

[@edalynclawthorne5877]

So many of the yes arguments were born of such common platitudes, as if we as a society have gaslit ourselves into seeing forgiveness as such a healing virtue when it truly does nothing for us. You can choose forgiveness as a step in your journey to healing but always warn the person that if their abuser hasn’t changed enough to not be their abuser anymore, that going back to them will guarantee the only outcome of that is pain. And even then they’re not your responsibility, fixing your abuser is never your responsibility. It truly hurt me just how blatant she was about wanting to give her mother comfort and support, how blatant it was that this poor woman really just wanted that for herself. That she wanted to give what in reality she’s always yearned to get.

[@joualeegrande1612]

I just went through something similar. I found peace with forgiving my father in my own way in my own time while protecting myself and maintaining minimal contact. His abuse continued until the day he died and i was able to love and care about him from afar while protecting myself. Forgiveness is needed for the harmed to be healed but for me it didn't require a healed relationship. I accepted and understood that our relationship would likely never be healed. And it never was. But i understood that my father loved me in his own way, despite his own brokenness. And i was grateful for it.

[@siripremfors8425]

I don't think you can say "should *I* mend my relationship with my mother?". A more accurate question in my mind would be should I *attempt* to mend my relationship with my mother. You can reach out, try and talk to her, share your own thoughts and listen to her thoughts. But you cannot force yourself to be okay with what her response to that is, to forgive everything if the mother doesn't ask for forgiveness, or recognize the abuse and trauma they caused. You can only give the mother a shot. But you cant give up your integrity and just forgive and comfort the mother if she does not actually do anything to meet the mystery person halfway with an open mind.

[@Suited_Nat]

This video makes me reflect on why I love the concept of found family, as my father failed in being a parent.

[@Zhonglily_99]

This video touched me so much. I had something similar where a family member I deeply loved couldn’t support me in my pursue of escaping the rest of the abusing group. We agreed on cutting contact. They developed lung cancer. While they were clear they weren’t believing on what happened to me, I loved them very much. I personally cannot advise someone to forgive or not, but what I do know is that I do not regret coming to their death bed. I saw them one last time, and didn’t talk about the traumatic events, I just spent time with them just to end on a good note. And when they died, I felt extremely relieved. Finally free from the last link to that awful family but also free from that stressing dilemma to forgive or not. I spent 5 years with no contact for my own safety with one last memory of them where I could make them feel that I do loved them even if it was very very very mixed feelings (resentment and love, betrayal and understanding). I am still sad that things happened the way they did, but I still do think it was the best choice for me. I cannot forgive them but I do understand why they reacted that way. Just like that woman’s mother, my family member was in a very mentally controlling environment, we would have never agreed on that traumatic event. And it’s ok. Not that what they done was right, absolutely not. But I can say that meeting them one last time even without forgiving them was something I do not regret. When the burial ended, I felt like I was departing from my old life for a new one, the new life I was creating for my own self.

[@JesusisGodLord]

Daniel's responses and questions were just wonderful

[@fearlessroo]

this hits hard for me actually. my dad has always been very abusive, almost never phisically but he always treated me as shit and never cared about me or my mum. he abandoned me when i was little and kept coming back once in a while to do shitty stuff and try to ruin everything for us. the tricky thing is he did horrible things but always pretended really well that he was a good person and he loved me. i always tried really hard for him to like me and i thought deep inside he loved me and it was just my fault because i wasn't good enough. i tried so hard but he didn't want anything to do with me. after going to therapy i realised it isn't my fault and that he doesn't love me or care about me and i should start to accept it. when i finally realised it, i took distance from him even though it hurt, but months later i found out he has cancer and that changed everything for me. now i don't know what to do because i feel like time is running out and i know i shouldn't be near him but i can't help it considering he might die soon. also sometimes i'm quite mean to him (because it's hard to put everything aside when he never apologised and he keeps pretty much being like that) and people say i'm a monster for treating him like that since he is sick and they say i'll regret it later, after all he is my dad . everything is really confusing and stressing. i actually understand what this girl is feeling and i felt seen during this video and reading the comments so thank u so so much for this. a lot of times i feel like people don't understand it p.s i'm sorry this is so long it wasn't the purpose but i just started writing and couldn't stop hahaha

[@3008theyear]

im so sorry. but i hope you know that what others say is not what matters, just your opinion 🩷🙁

[@thehungryyankee]

Stephanie seems like a phenomenal therapist! Everything she says resonates with me so much. Impartial, with the times and client centric. Thanks so much for bringing extra understanding to this video which happens to be an issue I’m dealing with at the moment as well.

[@eefje6321]

Wow, first struggling with her identity and then getting help from lawinforcement. It's painfull to bring all those memories up. Still, not have contact with your mom, I think is the best decision. I wish you the best, mystery person! big hughs! xxx

[@teamlovepanda]

The fact that she is friends with the ex wife of the abuser. The fact that she destroyed evidence its clearly disturbing behavior I can't imagine ever doing this. I think we do need to hear from the "mom" what happened to her? I don't think that is normal behavior I believe that she also has unresolved trauma

[@Jprone]

Let’s appreciate her for actually reacting to the video instead of just watching it ‼️‼️

[@MissLeonable]

This is the first video I‘ve seen of yours and I learned so much. You’re wonderful.

[@joaquinvazquez43]

I was roofied and SA. I told someone I believe was to be a close friend, and they backstabbed me. While, telling them what happened (while still going through withdraws), they began touching me. I left, and told them I no longer wanted to be their friend. That's when they began luring me with money to just talk. I was broke so ofc I said yes. Eventually they said they didn't want to be my friend. That's when they went to my parents and told them I was doing drugs, prostituting myself, etc. My parents believed this stranger, and as a result they stole my money, my electronics (which I bought using the money from my job), and they placed a double sided lock on the door. It took almost 2 years before I began speaking to them again.

[@Pejaysaidit]

14:31 ima stop you right there! What you just said is exactly my I think she should get the closer she needs. “Same Task, Different Mask” Like you said, she’s exhibiting the same traits her mom would exhibit to maintain a cult relationship, but the traits are expressed in a less abusive and harmful way, and that’s why I’m so big on understanding, trauma is circular so by getting the understanding she needs she can heal from it and cut the trauma circle and start a whole new circle of better care. In my opinion.

[@Pepsilee0]

The ones who say that that’s her mother and in the end that’s her family, probably grew up safer, not having to suffer much through their family relationships. REMEMBER, you do not owe your parents anything or any blood related member. Also, wouldn’t you want the intent of pure honest care and nurture rather than the intent by the social pressure of being related and bound by blood? The phrase,” blood is thicker than water,” is actually misinterpreted a lot. Look it up.

[@gmc5618]

If you wouldn't allow a colleague or acquaintance to treat you that way you shouldn't allow family

[@filipatavares2196]

As soon as she said her mother destroyed evidence of her abuse, I would've sat down on the NO box. So what if it's her mom? So if it was a random person, you wouldn't think about mending the relationship but just because she has a blood relation to you, she gets a pass? The "she's still your mom" line, is egregious to me. Her mom should've been the one to shout out about her daughter's abuse and show the evidence to law enforcement, instead she destroyed vital evidence. I hope this person is doing ok and is in a safe environment nowadays

[@basicsimp8798]

The Mom literally tried to protect the one who abused her own daughter, yet people tried to side with forgiving the mother? How disgusting.

[@DiscountJaba]

I’m struggling with a similar question and this video was very impactful for me.

[@whippedkream11]

What phenomenal content. Well done!

[@monetorr8498]

Growing up in a Jehovahs Witness household my story is so similar to this and being the black sheep who walked away and all my family cut ties with me because of it. Thankfully my mom and dad still loved me regardless but only in my adulthood when I was gone did things improve. Now I find love in the friendships I make with the family that actively chose me. Its so hard to forgive.

[@dimitrisboulios]

Instant subscribe. Wonderful analysis. I'll binge your channel and keep notes.

[@paolaramos2904]

I love how she talks

[@simeondentoom6585]

I think a lot of people talk about her not „deserving“ forgiveness. But forgiveness isn’t something you give because the other person deserves it. It’s something that can help you make peace with a situation/person while not excusing that behavior but instead saying that it was/is wrong but you can’t keep giving it power over you! But thats just my take on forgiveness..

[@kristyvestal4839]

Would you ever consider reacting to the frenemies podcasts major fights? I'm curious about your perspective

[@cuddlemonster468]

Such a good video. Thank you for making this.

[@janlaag]

Maa'm I do have so many negative childhood experiences with the medical field that I thought that psychology as a discipline was spoiled by the roots, you are literally the first person in the official field that is showcasing a non-abusive and non-neglectful mindset, I almost feel like I still need a minute to adjust to what I am looking at because I find it hard to believe. Thank you so much for putting these videos out here, you're being life changing. I'd be curious to know if you're cruelty-free as the mindset seems well to match the practice! Thank you again.

[@1975normal]

I appreciate the content and context in this video. Thank you

[@stelliumX5]

The child wound is the original wound. To be seen, heard, and valued is the foundational need of every human. Through my healing I had to really understand and see this which allowed me 1st give it to myself by get getting it out. Safe spaces 1st was my model. Safety is also a huge thing for a child and so any shadow/therapy/self work should be explored with someone you feel safe with, even if that person is you. To be seen by someone else gives us the transactional energy we need to exist. In the study of astrology you see how soo much can be explained when shown if the emotions aren’t stable. Aries is the 1st house/1st sign. Aries represents self/1 The I t am. I had to learn that unfortunately no matter what happens in life you must ALWAYS and I mean ALWAYS start with self . In this case the gift and tough work healing is reparenting yourself. Which takes giving yourself what it needs (seen, heard, valued). You innately know what you need-we’re wired that way. That’s why it’s important to spend time in solitude as well as nature and connecting to earth. Solitude -if you’re ready to face the little you, will allow the opportunity to reunite the little kid in you who needed their mom and start to healthily give that to you/little you. It’s a looong process. But sooo liberating! You deserve forgiveness. The child in you holds all the wounds. Address the child and heal the wound. I love peeling back the layers. I believe that healing is the doorway to the most fulfilling life. I would recommend having her natal chart read and explained to help connect the dots of her and her mothers life. If sounds real Scorpio/karmic cycles kind of a deal. A really great simple place to start is using the emotions wheel when you communicate about your trauma. Seeing yourself clearly starts with being able to verbally express the exact emotion. A GAME CHANGER. Talk about “I see me” ?! It helped me a lot. She sounds like she’s looking for validation. Always choose you! The validation she’s looking for is from herself. Man this was a good one! First time viewer!

[@EdgyEspresso]

I’m was shocked when everyone went to yes after the second question. Having a terminal illness does not negate the abuse that happened from that parent. That is part of the cost you pay when you’re a parent and sometimes the cost is your child will not mend a relationship with you even if you have a terminal illness.

[@mysticmaidenmagic]

i relate to almost everything the mystery person said. validating and triggering at the same time. i’ve contemplated on this topic a lot, but i loved this perspective on it

[@hypnoteapot]

I don't understand why the brain cancer thing made these people switch side because this person might have "regrets". Even without the cancer, the mother could die in any point in time, wouldn't there be regrets then also?

[@michelleheegaard]

This is basically my situation. Im not sure if my mom is about to drop dead in a year or not. It's hard to get a read on how serious her illness actually is in terms of her life expectancy. But she may very well die within the next couple of years and I have decided not to have any contact with her, due to how she has been and continues to mistreat me. For 25 years, my life was about pleasing her. Now, it's time to focus on me and what I need. And that is to put myself first and protect myself from her emotional abuse and parentification of me. If she dies, she dies. I've already tried to keep contact while holding my boundaries, but she cannot deal with that. I'm too psychologically worn out to deal with more of her tantrums and narcissistic behavior. I'm 27 years old and I'm only now starting to live for me.

[@gmc5618]

So proud of you, live on your terms ❤

[@krichur]

I was in the exact same situation and this video is really helping me heal🤍thank you

[@wolfietaurus]

That girl lost me at "But this is your mother" NOPE

[@AC-hf3gm]

As someone who's mother was an ice addict growing up and neglected and abused me and pushed me onto my other family members because she was incapable of looking after me I forgave her. She was only 16 when she had me and lost her mother when she was 18. She hurt me and failed me alot growing up. She never felt like a mother to me, more like a sister. I had alot of learning disabilities growing up and undiagnosed autism and ADHD which led to me failing and dropping out of school. I myself was homeless at 16 and struggled for many years. Even though she let me down and hurt me I know now as an adult she regrets what she done. I forgave her because all I ask from the people in my life is that they try and ik she's trying her best even though she's not the mother I deserve she's a women with her own battles and she recognises what she done. My father was an abusive Jehovah's witness and a cruel man and although I have less compassion for him I know they he tried in his way to be what he believed I needed. I feel as though there is alot of room for improvement from him but I don't see him reaching those conclusions. So I accept that he's trying in his own way to be there the only way he knows how.

[@itzyaboytunez4182]

I love your insight thank you so much. Please make more videos like this.