Therapist Reacts Married Couples who Disagree

Licensed marriage and family therapist Stephanie Yates-Anyabwile, LMFT ‪@StephAnya‬ reacts to Jubilee's video "Do All Married Couples Think the Same". Find out if these couples can agree about important issues in their relationships.
Healthline content is strictly informational and should not be considered medical advice. See a licensed medical professional for diagnosis and treatment recommendations. Opinions expressed in this video may not reflect those of Healthline Media.

[@nicoleedmands4207]

I wish Stephanie had her own show. She explains things so well, and is genuinely entertaining.

[@shaynaloveswiss1]

She has her own youtube channel!!

[@samodds2034]

Thank you for letting us know I’m so glad she has more content 😭

[@rmy_Youtube]

SAME!! Thankfully she has her own channel

[@skeleton1765]

She does have her own show. If this was on TV it would suck.

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

Yes, my mother is 80 and not well, she's not speaking to me and I wish I could fix that, \i constantly wish things could be different, and this morning, this youtuber stephanie's video about a woman who cannot decide whether or not to go and see her dying mother before she dies 😲 Couldn't believe it. There were good questions asked. Good reminders posed. Very serendipitous. KZbin algorithm knows me. When you know you know, KZbin is the one 😛

[@FreckleFinance]

I am one of those people who said I would never divorce and it took a lot of work to realize just how terrible my marriage was and that me always compromising and trying to fix it wasn't going to fix it if the other person didn't care.

[@Hello_Spaceboy]

That's huge. I'm happy to hear you came to that conclusion and did what was right for you

[@Jon-yv2to]

@@Hello_Spaceboy o

[@megan-wl1ym]

i'm glad you made the choice to do it, i'm sure it was difficult but i imagine it worked out much better for you and i hope you're doing well

[@msadm1225]

At 5:02, the husband's answer irked me. The question wasn't SHOULD women do more work, it was DO they do more work. He didn't answer the question. And I wouldn't say that the couple were necessarily on opposite sides of spectrum for that reason- she actually answered the question and he didn't

[@Mikey-jv5fv]

Literally! My immediate thought was “that wasn’t the question 🙄” felt like he was being evasive on purpose and then had the nerve to roll his eyes and everything

[@thecommonsensecapricorn]

I can't STAND when people say "when you know, you know" especially when it comes to shotgun weddings. I had a friend who got engaged to a guy after 3 months. She was still being actively traumatized by her relationship with her addict mom, which is why our friendship ended. She went ape shit on me one day for a misunderstanding and apologized a month later saying she was going through an emotional breakdown and that same month she met the guy she decided to marry and move across the country to be with. He has a child with a crazy ex and a job that has him away from home 8 month out of the year. She didn't think anything through and she made the decision out of an emotionally unwell space. She said "when you know you know" and so did all our mutual friends. I was like, are you guys kidding? Why does everyone make up these superficial sayings to justify people being irrational and naive?

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

I get it. I'm a single parent and I ''bonded'' with another single mum when our kids were just new to school. Her x like mine had been emotionally controlling, manipulative, you name it. we were both eroded. As time went by, I got space from my x, I did a payroll course, I did ECDL, I did yoga, I had therapy, I got a part-time job, I got a full time job. We talked a lot but eventually I realised I was feeling really frustrated that she was still sleeping with the x who'd been cruel to her. I know it was harsh of me, I'd broken the trauma bond and I wasn't looking for a medal but I couldn't watch her go back for more abuse and never move on, never better herself. I fear she may think that I thought I was better than her just because I'd ended up getting a good job. But I never thought I was better than her! the irony! she had a masters and she didn't even try to be better. I was the one eking out a path to employment with my community college courses!!

[@jamiebumbaugh]

i've been with my boyfriend for 5 years now, and there's definitely been pressure to get married. people ask us when we're going to all the time; in fact, just the other day, our neighbor literally asked me how our wedding was and i had to explain that we're not even engaged and have no plans for it anytime soon. 😅 it's a little annoying sometimes, but we don't mind all too much. we might not ever even get married at this point. :)

[@happystarhappystar1477]

why are you against marriage?

[@jamiebumbaugh]

@@happystarhappystar1477 we're not against it! it's just not that important to us, individually or as a couple. it definitely was a little more at the beginning of our relationship, but we just don't see the need to get married as an end-all-be-all.

[@happystarhappystar1477]

@@jamiebumbaugh sharing a home til argument do you part, ok, but you have no legal protection, nothing, and people can and do change ...

[@jamiebumbaugh]

@@happystarhappystar1477 we hardly ever argue, and when we do we communicate and work through it. we don't have any assets together yet so there's no need for legal protection. i also feel like if we did split for some reason, it would be amicable and we'd be able to split what we do have pretty easily. as for change, we've both already grown and changed a lot since we met, but it's only strengthened our bond. :)

[@bunnyflop3864]

Brother of my partner just got married to his partner of 13 years. The pressure was there at times but they kept their pace and in the ned everyone just knows that they like to take their time and it is their choice :)

[@magenta8132]

22:23 I hope I wasn’t the only with their mouth wide open. Didn’t expect that response lmfao 😂

[@CrispyFriedPickles]

Yeah that was WILD 😭

[@litallove]

My jaw 😮

[@ashleym.2981]

You weren’t the only one! I felt bad for the wife at that point.

[@AlexandriaDiaries]

I was completely shocked. Like what??? Strike 2 for me.

[@Unknown-us1fc]

Love Stephanie’s insights always. I’ve been following her around KZbin after I found her through one of your guys videos so thanks. This was great!

[@zeezy17]

I LOVE this therapist!!!

[@absolutelyridiculous6743]

Same!! I just discovered her... Time to catch up!!

[@DarylSimpson58]

Great video, there is nothing like a perfect marriage or relationship, I learnt that in everything there is always a solution, 5 years ago I and my wife divorced because we were having some difficulties in our marriage but we are back together ,it was a really bad phase but we got through it

[@Kurt5Dobson]

there is a lot of sense in what you just said and I hope mine works the same way too, we are currently separated but I cant live without her, I love her so much. wish I can get her back I can do anything to have her back, we have tried therapy amongst other things

[@DarylSimpson58]

@@Kurt5Dobson its always difficult to let someone you love go, but in my case I had the help of a spiritual adviser who saved my marriage from collapsing her name is SHELLY RENEE WHITE.

[@Kurt5Dobson]

@@DarylSimpson58 this is helpful, I will look her up. I hope this works for me too, I really miss her.

[@midnight_yota]

I think maybe they were taking the "were you pressured" into getting married literally as in that's why they got married. I understood it just as "was there pressure to get married" .

[@shonb989]

yeah i agree with that.

[@noname123_2]

Hi, love your videos. Can you please make a video about Trauma bonding and if it is possible for it be healthy with the same partner. Of course going to a couples therapist is best, just to get insight.

[@Hello_Spaceboy]

I second this!!

[@Inventiff]

I love this video! Very informative and helping the audience to be open minded with giving elaborate details on each question and how the thought processes.

[@toluwanimiogbonmide]

The soulmate question ....

[@tigerm0th]

I agree that people should take marriage very seriously, but I think it’s harmful to dissuade people from getting divorced if that’s what they want. If you have to work so hard to keep something going, is it really working or are you holding each other prisoner for the “sanctity of marriage”?

[@MochaLatteMilkChocolate]

She didn't say not to if that's what you want but to instead try to resolve the issue as if divorce weren't an option. If it can't be resolved, then divorce might obviously be the next course of action. So rather than dissuading people from divorce, she's saying not to treat it lightly. And to especially avoid bringing it up to your partner if you're not serious about it. Words have power, basically, and don't ruin a good thing over a rough moment that you can work to rebound from.

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

I agree, there's this belief that people are quick to get to ''I want to divorce'' but I know i had begged and pleaded with my x to listen to me FOR YEARS like literally years, maybe four, before I just left. He was shocked! Told people I'd left on a whim. I think people should be encouraged to believe that if you've tried to communicate something really important to a partner and they either don't acknowledge that it's important, or they just will not hear it, then it's ok, to give up. You've tried. People do try. We don't know how hard they try half the time.

[@enna3331]

Just on the social norm of getting married and the pressure to get married: I got married at 22 and I swear that people were all thinking it was too young, that I should « enjoy life » first, that we should wait, blablabla… So there is even a norm for the appropriate age to say yes… (But I would say there is also a cultural aspect to that because I am French, and in France people marry later than in the US)

[@beepboop8046]

would love a breakdown of the ultimatum if you've seen it!!

[@madylin13]

The queer love season please !!

[@penguinjam9000]

This was such an excellent video! Thank you

[@samodds2034]

We need more of these absolutely fell in love with this series and so sad that there’s only 4 videos at the moment 😅

[@amaliarios78]

Very nice video! Love your content

[@polarberri]

Interesting and insightful video!

[@mayaterstege1749]

There is a massive difference between sharing your trauma after a capacity check with your partner/relationship and trauma dumping (seriously, the word 'dumping' is in there for a reason). While understandable when activated, trauma dumping is ultimately a selfish act that does not consider the impact on the person you are telling. Trauma dumping is not connection, it is hijacking some else's nervous system to co-regulate your own and a cheap way to use the body's chemistry to force a trauma bond.

[@itsponytime]

Literally every human interaction of any kind could easily be framed as "hijacking someone else's nervous system". 'Trauma dumping' is such a toxic, weird, awful phrase. If people start telling me about their trauma, I don't feel dumped on, and it doesn't do anything to my nervous system that any conversation wouldn't do. I understand they're telling me about them, they're not forging a bond of any kind. From what I've observed, people tend to avoid people who express their trauma openly anyway. That's a large part of why we have therapists in the first place, we don't like to listen to each other's pain. We'd rather commodify and commercialize trauma than actually chill for a second and listen to another human being.

[@mayaterstege1749]

@@itsponytime thank you for sharing your relationship with the topic. I will continue to feel safer with those who can ask me whether I am in a place to share before unloading their trauma experiences.

[@ComedyGlor]

​@@mayaterstege1749there's the chance you may trigger someone after trauma dumping but otherwise I don't see how it's a big deal

[@niriida1]

​@@itsponytimeyou're such a nice human being. I was so glad reading your answer being so humane but chill at the same time. You sound like the person one could have a beer with letting their vulnerabilities run free in the presence of your warmth 😊

[@Treeofwysdm]

Mayaterstege, I totally agree with you . That's why normalizing mental wellness is so important. It's just as critical to find a good therapist as it is to find a good doctor. We wouldn't expect our friends, coworkers, or loved ones to fix our broken arm or high blood pressure or any other physical health issue we're struggling with, so we shouldn't have that expectation around mental health either. Venting and sharing with our intimates is one thing, but dumping all of our trauma and pain on them, especially if they're not ready or prepared for that, is unfair and inappropriate.

[@michelles2644]

Hello! Is it possible for you to make a video about healing from an emotionally abusive relationship or trusting yourself after leaving a gaslighting/narcissistic relationship

[@RenegadeContext]

If you recognise it as abusive and narcissistic then you did the right thing. It's not an easy thing to do. There's great channel called the crappy childhood fairy and she's all about healing from abuse

[@michelles2644]

@@RenegadeContext thank you 💗

[@RenegadeContext]

Good luck, you're on the right path

[@ayysweetstea9339]

Interesting content!. Keep it up!.

[@tabitas.2719]

I found your take on question two interesting, because I heard it as he answered the question personally for their relationship; she didn't disagree, but spoke/answered about society at large - that was my interpretation. :)

[@Miakasuzu]

I found they both didn’t respond to the question in regard to their own relationship. He said they shouldn’t be do more of the work but that doesn’t note if that is the case in his relationship or in society. She used analogies of other people which does not necessary mean she sees that in her own relationship

[@MochaLatteMilkChocolate]

He answered on how it should be. She answered on how it's been historically. Both avoided speaking to their own relationship. So to Stephanie's point, it'd still be interesting to see how it actually plays out in their relationship.

[@33ladyRAM]

Great video, thank for your insight as well. New subee 😊

[@virginiasweets5530]

Love your videos

[@andedom]

Great video! I will say I didn’t like the conversation on “trauma dumping”. It’s just being vulnerable and sharing your story. If your partner feels burdened by knowing what you’ve been through and what made you the person that you are today (the good and bad) they’re probably not a good fit for you.

[@andedom]

@ur mom I get where you are coming from on that. On the other hand, you can argue that she was doing Tyler a favor by telling him about the hard things that she was going through before he invested the time to go out with her. If he took the time to take her out to a nice restaurant or even for a cup of coffee, only to find out on the date that she is going through a lot of things that he doesn’t want to deal with, would that be a better experience for either of them? I don’t think so… And I just don’t like the way they discussed the matter. They seem to have a dynamic that she is a burden on their relationship. She has problems and he is dealing with it. That’s probably not accurate. I’m sure they both support each other and idk if their narrative is that helpful or if it just feeds into her own narrative that she is “too much” for people to handle.

[@ineedhoez]

Na.... y'all trauma dumpers just tell yourselves that.

[@catsaresocute650]

I think that's just saying if you want to marry, you'll feel an active desire to do that so when you can get married you'll know (because both want that that way)

[@unique23itiswhatitis]

Great video and love the honesty.

[@catsaresocute650]

Yeah the division of chores won't be equal unless you specifically work to have the worklod even. It can't just come

[@catsaresocute650]

Because there's too many expections and you'll end up not understanding the amount of wrok your partner does

[@ambergreen6851]

I had a miscarriage. It sucks. When I finally was able to process and could say that I felt so much relief. I wish society would allow more openness about such a stressful and prevalent (1/4 women experience it) topic.

[@tyrabohman4470]

Great video! I was a little suprised when Stephanie said that some might think masturbation is cheating/ not ok in a relashionship. I think it sounds a little controlling to not want your partner to do sertain things with their own body when it doesnt involve other people, though I understand that it might bring up some uncomfortabe feelings. Idk, dont think I'd mind it but there might be exceptions?

[@Dauerglotzer123]

I mean i don't see the issue but if my partner decided to do that/watch porn when I'm in the same home and didn't check with me first I'd be a bit mad he went with that over me 😅

[@TheLifeSpot]

@5mins, the interesting thing is that we never take a look at the man’s role outside of work and paycheck. I think people have put blinders on to what men really bring to a marriage.

[@LydiaWhoExists]

Spiritual Party Of Union In The Woods Like Aye🎉

[@user-js4mt1nr2y]

I would think the rhino and hedgehog termology is describing more anxious or avoidant behaviour. Theirfor the bunny is most likely more the rhino. As anxious people tent to believe they need more sex in a relationship to feel worthy or loved and avoidants tent to avoid intimacy when triggert. Interesting enough I gave my parents an animal name aswell but it's the cuddly and unpredictable fisty cat as anxious and indeed the hedgehog because of the hidding, closed, cautious and prickly behaviour as avoidant. I liked how the couples understood they had to find a middle way in these strategies.

[@doctorofletters8412]

I disagree with you on this. Anxious / avoidant patterns necessarily map directly onto sexual behaviours in relationships

[@madyleighdecker]

Avoidants also frequently value sex. Most of the crave intimacy and just have trouble with it, and being sexual can be an intimate act without opening up too much emotionally. In my experience physically intimacy is WAY easier for them than emotional intimacy is and it contributes to a pretty strong sexual appetite.

[@ComedyGlor]

I think the rabbit comment was just referencing her high libido

[@zacharystewart4394]

Yeah the "strongly disagree" on the first question feels like bs lol.

[@ariasworld9991]

Wow, those two women 😍😍😍😍

[@SRHisntSilent]

4:20 is concerning Could *never* be me

[@CrispyFriedPickles]

Yeah between this and the soulmate question, we would have had to break up after this little experiment lbvs 😭✋🏾🚫

[@catsaresocute650]

The sex thing why not talk about it before marrige (or have it if there's no religious objections) so you actually match. But otherwise your body is fine and meds to adress labido sounds like it'd easily become cohercive

[@ComedyGlor]

I think she was just saying that bc they're already married and so obviously I'm sure they're not planning on divorcing just bc of different libidos. So it's something worth "fixing"

[@catsaresocute650]

@@ComedyGlor it's Not worth 'fixing'. There's certainly maybe things that could be done (imporve things like how the sex is (making it more often desired), remove stressors etc.). That dosn't mean that that parter should change who they are and much more important that thing w the labido medication sounds like it can very easily become cohersive from the parter who has higher labido

[@catsaresocute650]

@@ComedyGlor maybe I should put it that way - why isn't the higher-labido partner taking medication to lower theirs?

[@ComedyGlor]

@@catsaresocute650 I don't disagree with you. I wasn't implying that the "fixing" needs to be on the part of the person with the lower libido, just that as you said something should be done so that they're met halfway and have a more fulfilling sex life. I do agree that shawty could've used the example of the higher libido woman taking steps instead since that's not the societal norm, so she could help normalise that. But I do think it was just an example

[@janlaag]

"purely physiological" on a holistic perspective kind of doesn't exist and considering medical intervention to chemically alter your libido just so it can be pushed into synching with your partner's doesn't sound very health wise but besides that, great, beautiful, insightful video. I'm new to the channel and into the third or fourth video and this is the first time I find a point that I wouldn't necessarily consider as a high value asset. Thank you for your kind analysis.

[@bigmofarah9084]

Why does she find it interesting that a man disagrees that women do more work in a marriage? Is it not interesting that the women think they do more work in a marriage?

[@skeleton1765]

Only issue here is the recommendation of masturbation. Masturbation is NOT fulfilling for me. I crave the Intimacy, physical exertion, pleasing my partner, etc. I truly could have sex daily. I learned to live with a mid/lower libido person but I don’t think I’d do that again. I honestly can’t even relate to people who find sex a task/chore/work etc. I’ve thought about this a lot. I really don’t think I have any issues with sex. I haven’t been sexually abused. I was exposed to porn later than many men. I don’t follow “e thots”. I have never paid for porn or recognition from a sex worker. Are some peoples’ libido really just that high? Or is there an issue I’m not seeing.

[@nailahdawkins]

Good on you. Hopefully you don't become a sex addict😅! You said you could do sex daily. Interesting yet you have too much time on your hands. Get yourself a business or a job -

[@skeleton1765]

@@nailahdawkins I’m hoping English is your second language. So maybe you don’t realize how backhanded and immature your comment sounds. Ad Hominem attacks are pretty easy to defend and even easier to come up with. There are all sorts of reasons that I could use to attack you back for having a low libido: weight, exercise, eating habits, age. I won’t. We’re both better than that. I appreciate your concerns, but my life is perfectly well put together.

[@Verase787]

​@skeleton1765 your statement is confusing you "can do sex daily". it's technically not possible... aren't you ever sick? Overworked? In grief?? ... It's like saying "I can eat cakes every day" Everybody knows it will end up in diabetes...

[@jessicajessica6374]

I did not agree with her either. It should not be an "alternative option" to sex.

[@beyonkaable]

Holo taco?

[@vision176]

I cook, do yard work, pay all bills, take kids around, grocery shop. Most the guys in my circle are the same

[@MoistToweletted]

… okay? Good for you.

[@Klarname265]

I dont rll understand what you mean with ,,the Institution of marriage“. Are you Talking about a religious or political Perspektive on it? I feel that maybe the american opinion on marriage is very unique ..

[@kyndralewis5692]

i feel like it probably includes both but also the fact that marriage is not just a display of love. it’s also a very important piece of economical power and efficiency (at least in america), so she might also be alluding to the fact that marriage is also a financial decision too

[@jnanashakti6036]

WHAT in the fresh hell of acephobia did I just hear? Did you SOLELY pathologize disinterest in sex or lack of sexual attraction? Just like people who discover they're homosexuality later in life, MANY asexuals discover their orientation after life experiences which uncover their truth. I get there are physiological reasons for lack of sexual interest or desire, but you explicitly inferred that lack means there's something wrong with the person. That was really uncool.

[@ComedyGlor]

I don't recall her saying that means there's something wrong with her

[@Juiceharlot]

That is absolutely not what she said. This is such a dishonest comment about what she said.