Narcissists can't perceive intrinsic value.

[@justjosie8963]

I hate the habitual feeling of not being enough when I know I am more than enough.

[@roses6564]

You're not more than enough for everyone. You are enough for the people right for you, wired like you. If you're paired wrong, you are de facto not enough or you may even be too much. Compatible Lives Matter.

[@Travelintherapist]

My mother always told me, “Cherish those who cherish you”

[@roses6564]

True, true. We'd be surprised how our narc's "disease" goes away when they find someone who makes them tick and vice versa. Most narc wars are a matter of fundamental incompatibility. If you're with someone who feels like a narc to you, its often the Universe talking that they are NOT your person, but someone else's, or even nobody's.

[@sylviacaldwell2139]

💞

[@sandrazawada5316]

That is great! My mother did not give me advise or even speak to me,

[@NarcSurvivor]

They only perceive the value of what you have. Of what you can give to them.

[@paulmfti]

Everything is a perception…

[@joseenoel8093]

Too true, a simple meal must always be over the top! My husband complained about my cooking/salads to the point I very rarely bother either anymore, meals were to big, too early and I flat out stopped but am happy to clean up (aka get rid of the mess). Last night I cooked a delicious meal and saw still it was too big and too early (nope no salad God forbid) and it dawned on me, it's him and his unhealthy appetite keeping my sups at bay what a surprise!

[@richardsadventures4958]

Yes and the SECOND they get tired of or used to what you brought, you are nothing, just like they are, deep inside

[@bunnyboo6295]

but that describes most people

[@roses6564]

This is inevitable in fragmented unions. If there's fragmentation instead of a holistic PIES union (physical, intellectual, emotional, spiritual connection), this is how it's gonna work. Ex: man marries woman because she meets A, B, C criteria which he deems more important that X,Y, Z which are missing but oh, well, Nno one's perfect. Later the need for X,Y,Z surface, trouble begins. Of course some people are PERFECT. That is, FOR US! Don't believe this deflective lie. Some people are perfect for us because they are wired to connect with us in PIES!! That's subjective perfection, the only kind that matters. It is more realistic for some than others, but it is possible for everyone.

[@Savedbygrace_awareofthenarc]

What's funny is that as soon as you leave and don't look back, they all of sudden "realize" how "valuable" you are.

[@AndyT-np8mm]

There's a good Bible verse for that too. The one who looked back turned into a column of salt. So never look back!

[@Savedbygrace_awareofthenarc]

Amen!!@@AndyT-np8mm

[@simsrock9982]

I'm starting to see that narcissists decide to hate or like someone based on the most idiotic, random, and illogical reasons. So I'm at the point where I'm learning not to take their dislike for me to heart because it has absolutely nothing to do with my value or who I am as a person

[@lilfairycupcake]

you need to leave. if you "take" anything from them you are a slave to their hate, and ignorance.

[@TheSeekeroftruth1]

The sad fact is, is that you could be anyone, any nameless face to them. They do not value who you are as a person, only what you can provide them i.e. sex; a cook; a maid; money; someone to bear their children; sounding board/support. You are a tool that they use, when any of these provisions are no longer provided, you are of no use and they move on. Absolutely, do not take their dislike personally, it's part of their controlling mechanism, kind of like what Kevin points out, it makes you work harder to please them, until you wake up, wise up and walk out.

[@lilfairycupcake]

well said, a tool to be used.@@TheSeekeroftruth1

[@krembryle]

My absolutely not toxic colleagues in work don't like me because I wear glasses and I'm not a social butterfly. I also complained to one of them that I often overheard a conversation about how introverts were the worst in here which I didn't find very progressive and that lead to the fact that they whisper when they are having a conversation near my working desk. One even said that "oh, this is the fragile area". No, I'm not fragile. You are just jerks. And you don't know how to connect with people any other way than by talking shi* about others.

[@lilfairycupcake]

@@krembryle dont like your glasses? wow, talk about pathetic. maybe u look cutsie in your glasses, and its jealousy issue among the mindless? F them.

[@yosra3551]

Quite the opposite. They exactly see what value you have, and they want to destroy it. Each and every human has at least potential value. Meaning: they will always have a reason to want to destroy you. They resonate with the demonic.

[@jlcmsw]

As I look back on my life, I realize every person I’ve had a friendship, relationship with and family didn’t acknowledge my value. I’m so emotionally spent now that I don’t think I’ll be able to get close to anyone again.

[@cellosong]

There are nice people out there. I have found true friends through my hobby. You are not alone. There are people who care out there. Best wishes.

[@Amanda-cy5il]

I’ve never met a person who values me. I was alone for a long time. I got so lonely I gave into the world and ended up marrying a narcissist. I will go back to being alone now. If someone comes along who values me then great but I have zero expectations in this sick world we live. The phones are programmed to tempt people and have shaped them all into narcissists.

[@Jack-wk7yi]

They are welcome to each other. Majority just want meaningless sex. It’s just a transaction. Just wish more people could see these people don’t care.

[@treelover1050]

I FIND THE BEST PEOPLE TO SPEND TIME WITH ARE NON-NARCISSIST FRIENDS.

[@glendamcgee1779]

Maybe you were just drawn in the wrong direction because it was familiar. I wish you the best.

[@felinelover1191]

I'm so sorry

[@thisisme1981]

The dishes….this was me at every holiday get together!! Gross 🤮 I felt this so much! No more!! 2 months out and NEVER again!! I had no idea but that’s why I washed dishes, swept & mopped, cleaned toilets…EVERYTHING!! While they all laughed and sat in the living room piled on the couch on their phones, watching football!! Hahaha this really hit home and I feel stupid for all of these years (almost 15) for thinking they appreciated me! Never again!! I have been out for 2 months but stopped visiting the in-laws for 13 months! Freedom is priceless!! Thank you so much Kevin for adding the WORD with it!! I hear you God! ❤😊

[@simsrock9982]

Each of us chosen people go through these trials for a greater purpose. A narcissist can never truly love themselves. Rather than not seeing our values, I believe they attenpt to convince themselves that we have "nothing to offer"

[@vintagedressromance]

This speaks to me; thank you.

[@sandrathomas2893]

They see through a lens of threat. They are expecting to be betrayed so they betray the other first.

[@bunnyboo6295]

Ah yeah people tend to only be capable of seeing traits in others that they have. they are absent of good they can't see it understand it. from experience the kindest people I have met seem to oddly think it is me with those traits. As for someone dishonest tend to be distrustful assuming your bad. Gets confusing trying to find out whom I really am since so many people claim I am something different. Maybe something about me reflects to people who they are.

[@denise0777]

In the beginning they see your value and desire it/you! Then they "use up" your value...and when they don't need you anymore, they discard you, or they stay, but torment you so much and make you feel so devalued that it forces you to have to leave them. And that is the plan!

[@jasmintorino6129]

We have an expiration date with the Narcissist.

[@Blessed591]

This is exactly what happened to me , he reverse discarded me by tormenting me so much so that I had to leave . . .

[@denise0777]

I'm sorry that happened to you. So, you divorced him? How did he respond to that and was he fair in the settlement?

[@denise0777]

Good way of putting it, ha!

[@Blessed591]

@@denise0777 Thank you for asking . I left him Jan 6th this year and I told him I would NEVER GO BACK and that I I intend to file for a divorce soon . I left him with everything he acquired courtesy of me 💯. I do not 🚫 want to to fight with him over anything . Opportunities are opening up for me since I left him and I know that God will recompense me . The narc has never bothered to reach out because he knows I figured him out and my lines are drawn. . . Non -negotiable . He knows that he can't abuse or exploit me any more . Our two young adult sons chose to leave with me because of his toxicity . We are all on our healing journey and supporting each other through and through. 🙏🙏🙏

[@angeliajanina6017]

This is absolutely the most painful part of interacting with narcissistic people.

[@highplainsdrifter699]

As an INFJ empath, and a survivor of 50+ years of being the whipping post of a narc family+ relationships with narc girlfriends, IV come to the conclusion that in the words of Jean Paul Satire ... Hell is other people

[@Joe-hf3cn]

That’s right

[@everymomentisagift]

Enfj empath here too. They never see value and when I met my partner he couldn't understand that I liked him and that he didn't have to prove anything to me. His family never accepted him and he was bullied by most of his siblings. I would tell him he has value for just being him. Now after many years if therapy he finally feels worthy enough to see what I meant 24 years ago.

[@heatherwagar5868]

I’m an INFP and have had the same situation

[@Missybella92227]

If you don’t accept their disrespect, unkindness, and don’t do as they say and want there is no value in their eyes. If you don’t live and breathe only for them there is no value in their eyes. I remember a couple weeks before the traumatic discard; ex fiance texted me “I’ll never have all of you.” Which made no sense, I spent all my free time with him. Then I realized he texted it after I told him I was watching a tv show with my son.

[@joseenoel8093]

They need constant reassurance their meanness has a purpose!

[@BenOnuMuDiyorum]

It reminded me may ex gf. I was staying with her for some days of the week. At first, it was like 2 days a week, she called it too little. 3 days it became, and it became a week, and it became 2 weeks and it became 3 weeks. Even I stayed with her 3 weeks she cried when It's time to leave. And when I said she is making it harder by crying every time I leave even though I expanded it to be about a month; she replied me "You don't understand, normal people cry, you don't know that!" I was guilty, I was not "normal", I was "emotionless"...

[@Missybella92227]

@@BenOnuMuDiyorum Omg the same experience with me! We lived one hour apart. For almost 3 years I would drive to him on weekends to b with him. I was consistent too. It wasn’t enough for him and he hardly returned the gesture. During the cruel discard, he told me he was tired of the weekend relationship and knows his worth.

[@chamomiletea5424]

Thank you for sharing your story about doing the dishes 😔So relatable. Done jumping through the "hoops of fire" for these demons. Only going where I am valued. Love the scripture 📖🙏

[@elaine7327]

Hoops of fire 😂

[@lobsterbisque7567]

Same here. My ex tried to triagulate me against her ex b/c I wasn't earning enough money. BUT...her ex refused to work the entire 14yrs they were together🤯🤯🤯 She never appreciated what I did for her outside of finances. She never noticed the time & quality of attention I gave her, the meals I made her, the cleaning I did around the house, or the car repairs I did. It was always about money & my income with her. So It was no surprise when I found out(after I left her) that she resented the fact that she still had to hold down a full time job(and other adult responsibilities) like I did when we were still together. I'm so glad I ghosted her after only 4mos. of her toxic BS.

[@pameladiaz152]

After 30 years in a narcissistic marriage I always felt like I was never good enough for him.. as a mother as a wife and so on.. I remember one time I screamed at him I feel like I am not good enough for you and he fed on that.. I always tried to do anything for him to just love me and see my value..

[@joseenoel8093]

Oh why bother and doing so is setting yourself up to be criticised, been with mine for 35 yrs, married 29 and divorcing me would make him ill and he'd take a financial hit, I did nothing short of knock myself out and was condemned for being lazy (my body even b-fed 4.5 yrs straight being forced into back to back pregnancies) as nothing I did impressed him, so be it, he's right, can't do anything, least he's right about something!

[@lilfairycupcake]

you never mattered from day one.

[@pandorahunter]

​@@joseenoel8093sweet one. I'm learning how to be ok within a marriage myself. Find our worth and he can't harm us anymore, not inside, not deep, not in a way he wants to. It's a process I'm 4 years in and improvements have been made. I can smile now. Blessings and love to you.

[@LesleyGarvs-vo7eq]

They are cold as ice🤦‍♀️

[@Depplova81]

The washing the dishes thing..... I used to do that, a lot growing up. Or cleaning up at someone's party, because I was invited then ignored by everyone. I was trying to find a distraction so that the pain didn't overtake me. But when I got older, I just declined going and watch the same people get mad.

[@dark7angel456]

And the worst feeling after becoming aware of what they are and what they think of you is that you gave in to everything they wanted over the years and it causes a lot of rage

[@beckywauer2291]

May be they envy your value and can't relate. You are an intellectual. People don't like people that have deep thoughts. They think in the superficial. You are better off without them.

[@twalk263]

You have no idea how dead on with your video you are with my life right now . I have had an awakening the last two days the difference between self value and others who refuse to acknowledge your value but are fine with using you to their own benefit as much as possible. So done with it all.

[@billywayne902]

I realized this but I did not see it until 28 years of marriage at 63 years old after my health did not allow me to produce what I could do before the change in her was starling to give so much to her and the two of her daughters from her Previous marriage and we had a son and adopted my niece which she turn against me and replaced her with me. She avoids me and does not acknowledge me in this video showed me that she has no value for me and only before now God Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit has got me through but I totally understand now the value concept and I know she is of the devil/Narcissis it’s all evil. And I know that it never turn around now I need to get out but not been able to work and just been diagnosed with a aorta aneurysm and going to have surgery looking at a 12 weeks of recovery if all goes well but I have gave it all to GOD of the most high and I have Jesus Christ and the holy Spirit I’m looking at this is a good turning point in my life to give me the mental strength to end this 28 year marriage with little may the good lord help and be with me. May the good lord be with all that is going through with dealing with a evil narcissist. Bless all of you.

[@rena523]

I realised that the narcissists that were in my life couldn't appreciate my value personally or professionally on anything to their own detriment. They'd get angry if I were too happy or peaceful. Just being able to come home to a peaceful and happy environment after a long day at work is a blessing that they never appreciated. If I didn't allow nonsense to get to me they seemed to be angry. They hated my positive energy. They were always negative and only temporarily happy if they hurt someone or did some kind of microaggression to cause someone to react. Regardless, I'm comfortable in my skin and don't seek their validation. Their faulty perceptions of me don't change how I engage with others and how healthy individuals love and embrace me. That's not my responsibility to absorb. It's their unfortunate loss for missing out on an awesome human being. ☺

[@AA-lq5pu]

What I realised is that when i fall in love with someone its because of their essense. It has nothing to do with how much money they make or their position or skillsets etc. My first relationship i was loved simply for who I was. With my serial cheater ex he made me feel like I was not smart enough or skilled enough or hardworking enough. I am so glad I got to have that first healthy relationship so I can see what is real and what isn't. He sent me a voicemail a few weeks back saying the whole relationship was a facade and part of some project.

[@valeriejohnson5803]

Excellent advice and message. My ex narcissistic lover/friend/neighbor told me I was mediocre. Now that I look back, I realize I didn’t and couldn’t provide the expensive materialist things she wanted. I did love, share, care, help and was there for her when she needed me. But when I needed help, she went ghost and or was always too busy. Thank The LORD that she eventually discarded me. That dream turned into a nightmare within a few months. So glad I’m out of that toxic relationship!!!!

[@joseenoel8093]

❤ Minimalism is in, they can keep their toxic money polluting ways to themselves!

[@SusanWillans-b9q]

Love the analogy of being a diamond-go where you are valued.

[@MB-sg8dx]

Very nice video. My exact experience (even down to the dish washing part!) with my narcissistic family. They Hug, joke, laugh and converse with eachother but don’t even acknowledge me when I speak, or engage with me. Leaving the living room to go Wash dishes gave me an out so I wudnt have to deal with them. Im low contact with them now and its helping me heal

[@bethfromchicago8719]

I washed a lot of dishes for my family. Interesting....have been no contact with them....

[@williambarringer6513]

Any time I try to say anything at a family get together my dad shoots me dirty looks, doesn’t matter what I say, he actually shooshed a few times and or he will try to discredit what I say, they will sit their and poke and poke until I react then I’m the bad guy, boundaries? Forget it not in their vocabulary

[@breannborgaard1276]

The dishes.................thats been me..................Actually doing the F@#$ing dishes to fill the void. When I have been ignored, put down and not valued by family.

[@TheSeekeroftruth1]

You bring value to me, Kevin. You provide pure words of wisdom and speak clearly to my heart. Thank you. ❤

[@Schquirl]

8:20.... ME TOO! I have also washed dishes for people just so I could feel useful as they made me feel like garbage.

[@61shotbeehive]

Also applies to JOBS

[@wk1810]

To the narcissist, the depth and extent of your value is determined by them, not by you.

[@Blessed591]

This is good stuff . . . The approval trap . . ..worst place to be . . . Did everything I thought would make him appreciate me . . . I was enslaved . . . Until one day , a voice told me to STOP IT !! That was the start of my journey out of the marriage. . .

[@Jack-wk7yi]

Thank you for your words of wisdom. This week I’ve decide to walk away from two toxic relationships. Neither seeing my value. Both are manipulate, nasty, angry, argumentative, rage full, entitled. Both trying to manipulate for money. They really don’t like no. Both I’m going to have to shake off. Looking forward to the ending as I withdraw. I’m happier in my own company, feel much more peaceful and calm. Hope others find peace, have lightbulb moments and walk away.

[@PassionateFlower]

Thank you Kevin this is spot on. Narcissists never see our value, only our utility or lackthereof, in their lives. We are either useful to them, or we do not exist at all to them. Out of sight out of mind. Our absence does not make their heart grow fonder. If they hoover it's because they have run out of supply and it's an insult because a hoover means, "I passed you up for better opportunities but now that I've reached higher than I can climb and left you for dead in pursuit of highee ststus people and opportunities but now that I've burned through all my other bridges nd hit rock bottom instead of facing my inner demons and addressing my problems directly I'm ready to finally settle down and scrape for the bottom of the barrel and take out all my limitations and unresolved childhood traumas on your psyche and body - lucky you!"

[@vintagedressromance]

Home run Kevin. I think you just articulated my entire life.

[@diannedell8405]

That was such great information. I have often felt like I had no real value in my family; now I know why...so pleased to have this clarity.!

[@yolkyolk3148]

This is so important... I remember thinking to myself many times early on how it felt like my presence alone never seemed to have an effect on him, whereas I would feel simply happy just to be around him. Generally, you just behave differently (in a positive way) around people you care about, right? He would enthusiastically schedule time together, but then when we were together, it was like there was this pressure for me to live up to some expectation. I felt like I had to work to get a reaction out of him. I had to be entertaining somehow. I could never relax or be myself in his presence. But I ignored this and made excuses for him (maybe he's tired, maybe he had a bad day, something must be wrong but I don't want to pry) because the early days of laser focused attention and kind words had me hanging on. Now I know... if it feels wrong, it is wrong.

[@eliudnjai]

Lol actually washing the dishes - I did this one to

[@thisisme1981]

You are definitely valuable to me and so many others!! Thank you Kevin for letting God use you to help us out of these toxic relationships!!

[@AnitaD28]

Narcissists aren’t blind to our value they reject it. No other way to see it.

[@AlmaSdance]

They use it because they know that by validating you they won't be the supreme being to you. They have to impose supremacy over you

[@shellyfilippi]

They will continue to hurt and destroy! Why deal with them . They are monster's! Never ever again.

[@martyc2637]

What a powerful message when the love bombing turns to devaluing. I wish I followed this advice about shaking the dust off and leaving. It would have saved me from the scars of the multiple breakup rollercoaster and destructive discard.

[@onlyonce1707]

Yes Kevin - you are spot on. If you're not bringing value step back and move on. There are people who do look for your value. Only go to those places. For instancs christmas cards. I only send a card to those who I know will enjoy receiving one from me.

[@pamkay1756]

Ive alwaya been rejected. This is a constant thing. 😢

[@christar9527]

Me as well. Rejected by everyone since I was a kid in grade school until in my 60’s. It’s unbelievably hard.

[@maralfniqle5092]

We need to learn asap to value ourselves and put up really strong boundaries and walk if needs be. No other way. At any age, we can learn all this. We have perfect value in our Creators' eyes. Stay strong everyone.

[@pamkay1756]

@@christar9527 Yes, that's me. It's like people don't give me a chance or they sense I'm weird or strange. I'm not.

[@sunshinedayz2172]

This was an eye-opening message. I find myself in always a position of being ignored and having to do service work around the place to feel accepted. I now know that they don't value who I am thank you

[@Jodi7733]

Love this! That our Value is intrinsic ! ❤❤ Felt this BUT needed to hear it Tonight! This Reminds me I wanted to join the Community, I have for a long time now seen the Unique Value in your Channel! 🎉

[@elainebmack]

This was my father who rejected everything I had to offer as a human being, but as a child, I unconsciously did something that my siblings did not do. I found surrogate fathers - uncles, teachers, and other male mentors. I also observed the fathers of my friends and how they treated their families. I believe now that this saved me from further damage. I did this without any threat of improper contact or behavior with them. I think they knew on some level that I needed their support and advice. All of them are gone now, but I still think of them and appreciate what they did for me. As for my father, I made occasional attempts to show affection and/or regard, but I stopped somewhere along the way. I came to the conclusion that he didn't have it in him to. He wasn't worth the effort, but I found people through life who did appreciate me as a person, and I did the same for them.

[@user-qv9nw1dq2f]

Thank you for this brilliant message Kevin. Exactly the case 😊. Everyone has intrinsic value and we must find people who respect and appreciate our value and unapologetically leave those who do not. God bless you❤

[@agapaoanyway]

Wow, Kevin! I’m having an out-of-the-body experience listening to this as you are describing my exact story down to the actions of washing their dishes at get together. THANK YOU so much for putting exacto knife precision to this. I need to listen to this regularly for awhile. God bless you, man! Big hug

[@joseenoel8093]

They are the definition of people seeing what they want to see 👀, it's too exhausting endlessly feeding their need to be/feel flattered simply because we're in their presence!

[@whitehorse3828]

You are fantastic Kevin! You get to the heart of what narcissism is and how it shows up in its ugly ways. The thing that hurt me for a long time was that my own mother, father, brother, and even grandparents did not value me at all growing up. It has taken years to figure this out, but now I have thanks to "VALUABLE" people like you! ...Thank you...

[@JoyCoy65]

What you say is valuable to me because you tell it like it is, and I can relate to it. I've been thru a lot of devaluation in my life and made to feel worthless. I have been trying to use your advice, and it seems to be working, although I doubt he will ever change. I just hope some day I'll get out of this miserable relationship.

[@tome3454]

This message. Wow! Thank you so much! From the bottom of my heart. When Jesus instructed the disciples to dust their feet off at the door of those who wouldn't receive the word, I feel this is what He meant. Your value isn't determined by who is ready, or not ready, to see it. Go to those who are ready so that your value can be useful and not wasted.

[@cleonagretelgodinho2881]

You are amazing Kevin ❤

[@LovingLightx]

I was only dating him for a couple of months and was clueless about NPD. It was the early stage of devaluation. I called him that evening and said I feel like you don’t value me. Jesus said to me that morning, you must end this NOW! I answered in a sad tone, I know. I followed his instruction and have been in absolute no contact for 6 months. Quickly after ending it with him Jesus showed me what was going on and has guided me throughout in educating me. Please ask Jesus for help if you need it, he will show you the truth, even if it hurts but the peace you get is astounding. My heart goes out to others who have been involved with disordered individuals for years. I consider myself lucky, even though it was short lived, it still hurt like hell. Since then I’ve been working through childhood trauma and facing it has been a blessing. Peace and love to you x

[@rochellet1333]

Excellent insight. Never thought of it this way. Wow, this is a big awakening for me.

[@lenaislena134]

Thank you this was powerful. I've been quite good at leaving but what I didn't do was wipe their dust off my feet. I have a lot of accumulated dust that needs shaking off

[@jessicamarks5577]

Love ❤️ how God is useing you to share your wisdom . I'm grateful !!

[@sharmar582]

Intrinsic. It's a beautiful word too Say

[@Boyhowdy875]

Yep! I need this today! Thank you! My former in-laws treated me the same way!

[@treelover1050]

Yes who needs them. NO one does. You deserve better.

[@mday3821]

I don't think my parents ever saw my value. My mother being narcissistic & my dad...well, I never did figure him out. I just know he missed out...that's sad. Thanks Kevin, this video was perfect timing.

[@TheSeekeroftruth1]

I believe that the issue of being valued is key. I know that I have value, lots of it, in fact. On reflection of my life, I can see that few, if any, people have valued me, I was always trying to find love and never found it, outside of myself. I believe that when we come to terms with this issue and not give a damn about what others think, to appreciate our own value and not accept breadcrumbs from others, even if it seems like we might be alone for the rest of our lives (and you have to accept the idea that you might be alone), then someone special (if that is what you wish for) who will value you completely will enter your life.

[@Rose-246]

OMG! Kevin, your story about the dishes brought back memories. I did the exact same thing. I was always completely ignored like I wasn’t even there and I would do the dishes. Five years of this. After I married into the family they changed, accepted me. The funny thing is these people aren’t the reason why I watch this channel; but I certainly was abused by them for a time. People are strange.

[@privateprivate8366]

For those types, the ONLY thing your value can ever mean to them - is a threat. The more that value is displayed, whether it is that you’re better at something or you’re doing XYZ for them, they hate that value, even if they have the mind, arms and legs to do for themselves. Their mindset is not and will never be, “Well, let me see how I can become of value, even if only for myself.” No. Their sole focus is to devalue you, instead. That’s their solution.

[@AndyT-np8mm]

I've recently experienced this. A neighbour asked me to do some tasks in their garden. I did the work gladly. But the more i did, the more they devalued my efforts (and me). Initially, my reaction was to ramp up my efforts. But the devaluation just got worse. It's been so confusing. I wish I had just said no at the start.

[@privateprivate8366]

@@AndyT-np8mm I’ve seen it, in maybe a few forms. A neighbor, who tried to force me to be her free caregiver. While there were other reasons, I think a bit of it was that she felt she’d curb my future, by ensuring I’d be busy with all of her needs. My mother, who started wanting to consume my time, to the point where I could’ve only shown up for work on Monday, looking like I did, when I left on Friday. Started being irritated, when I trimmed her time, instead, by taking her shopping not too long before stores closed. A boss who’s because I’ve been a high performer has, after about 5 years, happily been able to hire someone she can transfer 95% of my work to, so I can sit and stare at a wall all day. That’s basically quiet firing and has been hitting its stride, for over a year. A “friend” who, will provide advice that is rather obviously meant to do more than slow my wheels spinning. To many, I’d sound paranoid. But, this kind of stuff happens. These types will have you wearing yourself to a nub and burning yourself out. The only time they shift in their seat , appear to come to consciousness, or have a problem, is when you’re doing anything for yourself or have moved on. Realize that, for them, it probably wasn’t about the task. With my mother and that neighbor, manufacturing tasks sounded like their flavor. It’s more about watching you burn out, in their favor. Keep an eye on that. There’s a lot of those, hidden in plain sight.

[@AndyT-np8mm]

Thanks so much for your reply. Yes, the narcissists seem to go for us (like wasps when they find a jar of honey). In my case too, the neighbour wasn't the first to intentionally dampen my spirits. (I just wasn't expecting it from them because I hardly know them.) Will take even greater care in the future. As for paranoia, even KZbin like to gaslight. For instance to see your reply to my comment above, I had to log in with another subscription. (I can't imagine what KZbin think they are playing at by hiding certain replies.)

[@privateprivate8366]

@@AndyT-np8mm yes, sometimes, they will sit and “case the joint” for awhile. My neighbor had lived downstairs for about 2-3 years and we’d barely spoken, until the lockdown happened and she “decided” I’d be her free caregiver. She was early retired and told me she had all the time in the world. But, I think that she felt that WFH was not only going to be permanent, but who cares anyway, once she groomed me to be her free caregiver? I was not under the impression she even contacted the senior center directly across the street, because she wanted free, private, round the clock care, with an obedient smile. At that time, she seemed fine and told me she felt she was coming down with MS, just like her mother had. She did later take ill and she was found dead, of pneumonia, by the police. I felt sorry. But, this was a person who I felt “decided” that I was going to be doing for her, like it or not and that included EVERYTHING Bathing, cooking, cleaning, medication, doctor visits, food shopping and that my car would also become hers as, she probably wanted me to start taking her to see her husband, who was imprisoned for the murder of a woman and her child at a prison, a state away and she in fact asked if I planned to get a newer car, probably so she could just sell hers and decide my time and car were hers. When I said no to all of this, she was angry and, because I walk one of my cats, I guess she thought she’d get a dog and assign the care of the dog to me, as well. When I didn’t bite, she got another neighbor to give me a talking to, about taking care of her and her dog. Told me he’d expect for me to take care of him, if he got sick - while he’s living with his girlfriend, I gather. I couldn’t GASF what either of them thought and continued to go about my business. So, these people are casually walking around, posing as humans, everyday and everywhere. There are many who would call me a narcissist, because I wasn’t neighborly and caring of my neighbor. But, they’d need to educate themselves. I’m not out, thinking I can nab up and own other people. That they’re my slave. If she was targeting me because of my race, that I am single with no kids, that’s her problem. Not mine. I think she also may have targeted me, because I live directly upstairs so, she’d know when I was home, awake, etc. Other neighbors? They could be unemployed or underemployed, she wouldn’t ask them or accept help from them. I know, because I asked them. These people look at others, like they’re a meal, with no other option, than to be sustenance for them. Lastly, this is a message for those people who decided to retire early. If you feel, your early retirement was in error, because you did or could not prepare medically or financially - UNRETIRE!!! If you can watch TV all day, you might be able to WFH. Because I dang well you don’t think you’re going to force someone into adopting your grown a$$, when they’re struggling to work for their own retirement.

[@theideaplace]

I think it's more a matter of they don't perceive our value or acknowledge it... likely to keep us trying harder to prove our value... I was the best partner anyone could want but was continually diminished and smeared... so it's not a matter of we didn't provide value... they just gamed it

[@BeeElle-rt8qf]

Bless you for sharing this message. And thank you for your sharing your dish-washing story, and where you accepted that people didn't appreciate you in-person, and they did it nastily to your face, and where they made you feel less-than and while you were contributing your positive energy and your willingness to help and to give your love and emotional cheer to the mini group-gathering. You reminded us that our sheer presence is a gift, and that each person's unique "heart and soul and "body-ness" & "being-ness" -- it is a diamond, and to remind yourself that you are enough. That we all as an individual - we are enough-- just by being alive. And that we are all right as we are, and that everyone is "perfect"-- flaws and all-- and that we are all worthy of being loved and respected and honored and cherished.

[@julienatoli8561]

Amen Kevin!! I am learning to go where I am celebrated, not merely tolerated. A diamond never ever goes looking for an owner!! Diamonds are rare, unique, beautiful, very special and therefore sought out. Thank you Kevin for another great video .. God bless you abundantly. 🕊️✝️❤️

[@davidt9428]

Thanks for a great message Kevin. Just relax 😌 thinking, you don’t get my intrinsic value 👍 wishing you well 👋

[@diannemartin7500]

I was in an abusive marriage and he emotionally, physically psychologically abused me, I have anxiety, depression, PTSD and insomnia and now I see the samething that my bf is starting to do, I also felt worthless and unwanted and I do in this relationship, I'm done!! If a man can't love me for me, I'm better off on my own, I've NEVER BEEN GOOD ENOUGH 🤬

[@user-be5my6tj9g]

This was such an incredible, powerful, and eye opening message Kevin. My jaw dropped when you listed the ways we can over compensate too bring value, over give, and over work in order to earn it. I had done all of those things to finally be perceived as 'good enough' , not disposable, in which my partner wanted me to feel, wanted me to keep working, giving, helping, forgetting and neglecting my own needs jumping through those hoops of fire, constantly being burnt, scorching my own dignity and self-respect. Thank you! You bring so much value with all of your messages. Immensely grateful!!

[@chrino21]

I had a crazy, raging father-in-law who was FAR more dangerous than I could describe here. He HATED me because he had to respect me, and respected me because he had to hate me. He lived in a transactional world where value equalled the ability to use someone. I happened to live in a world of quiet, calm, self control, and success while humbly playing life’s game within the rules, thereby needing nothing from him. If you can get to and stay in that place, it drives them crazy, but don’t expect normal respect.

[@Buttercup-vw2zo]

EXCELLENT VIDEO.. I iam now thinking of the scripture that says..Dont Cast your PEARLS before SWINE....they wll trample them under foot,

[@HollyTheTwisterSister]

Your videos are so spot on!! It’s the feeling like I’m not cool enough or something to fit into my own home. Like my presence is just tolerated.

[@dirtymackqueen]

I love this man’s attitude he seems so confident, must’ve came a long way

[@CECC704]

I always feel less than. It’s everything I can do just to get through the day.

[@lauralee7662]

This is the third time I have had this phrase 'shake the dust off your feet 'given to me in this personal context~ it is found in several books in the bible. God used you to expand its meaning into my thoughts. I am feeling humbled. Thank you and wow

[@ckvarnmass]

Covert narcs are the losers in the end. He lost a beautiful family and a devoted wife who always put his needs, first. Once I told him this and he said, "I didn't lose anything." That shows he never valued the gifts God gave him. But you will always find in sitting in a church pew, pretending to be a wonderful Christian.

[@sandrasantiago9047]

This is a great approach to understanding our pain, that’s really well put! Thank you so much. And yea, you have value ❤

[@sylviacaldwell2139]

Remember, there is a difference between truly being valued by someone and being used by someone...Users can TELL you they value you...while all along they are actually using you....We must be able to intuitively know the difference!

[@Ninjeto]

You should do one where you talk about how narcissistic people will try to convince you "your" the narcissist and how they recruit others to make sure you know they are responsible for slandering you so your forved to defend yourself. They destroy reputations and wont stop.

[@moonshine2273]

Kevin…you are gold

[@starlynn181]

I love the way you put it, well said and perfectly explained. 🥰❤️

[@lynfawcett221]

They don't see your pain either when they have been unfaithful. And they blame you for what they have done.

[@BaldTV]

this goes to partner-relationssip. In narc. parent / child relation you not only have no value, but are a burden (or a "nightmare" like in my case ;).

[@remix2die4]

They see your true colors. They see your value and that's why they chase after you in the first place. However, they choose to abuse you because they have a contract with the devil to fulfill. It's their choice, their prison.

[@PresidentGeraldFord]

A video series about the origins of narcissism and why narcissists exist would be very interesting 🤔

[@GyldanEdge]

I've washed other people's dishes too!

[@TheHelenhunter]

Wohoo I had the same revelation just recently 😍 Did the mocking and killing of Jesus take away any of his value or who he is? He was and still is the creator of the universe, no matter what people did to him. He was surrounded by all types of people, his value was not determined or changed by any of them. Same goes for us: just because somebody mistreats you doesn't diminish any of your value or who you are. Their behavior doesn't determine who or what you are, it only reveals who THEY are!! I love that no matter what situation you are in, Jesus is the solution 😍 I believe it was the holy Spirit showing this to me. It changed my thinking when I was at a low point. Dang Kevin, this time I have a better example than you 😊

[@SAM-od7oh]

I think the difficult thing here is that the narcissist has intrinsic value too. It's distorted by the prism of abuse, but their targets recognise (and are allured by) their core worth. Though aware of what they do (inflict pain on valued/loved-ones), they have no idea why they do it (dopamine hit, self-validation by denigrating others, control assertion etc.) and, even though they're capable of moral reflection (unless psychopathic), they have no impulse control, so they just do it. I also think that there's a kind of infectious element - so, when Kevin experiences the whole room 'othering' him, some of the family members are just going with the toxic flow, as it were. I've definitely felt pulled into rejecting someone when narcissistically abusive people have tacitly led the way (like cult leaders, they direct how everyone in the room should feel). But, to go back to my first point, narcissistic people are ineluctably creative or productive or executive in astounding ways but because they can't key into their own intrinsic value (for multiple well-documented reasons), they self-regulate by harming those that they most esteem.

[@Jakilyn]

Thank you. This is an important topic to fully understand and accept

[@christinestewart9734]

Wow that's what I did.😮. The whole family acted like I didn't exist. The karma now is I'm gone and left the family dynamic and don't exist for life 😊 by the Grace of God I've escaped my 19yrs toxic marriage and family flying monkeys. 🙏

[@winxclubstellamusa]

Imagine the extreme worthlessness of growing up as the scapegoat of an extremely family…

[@MrMfaust5]

Thank you Kevin for your videos that deal with that poison that's called narcissism; is that Romeo y Julieta? The narcissist in my life 'assigns' me a very short term value (certainly doesn't see any intrinsic value in me); and that's when they want something.

[@emilyhobbs4908]

I am one of them who do value what you tell me, and I have utilized what u have taught. Hey, Kevin! Nice to know u again. Remember me from live chats a year or so ago? Maybe two years? I still appreciate what you shine the light to.

[@Maggie-g1v]

I believe Narcissistic use people for what “ They don’t have” example a person with kindness, morals, ethics are a GREAT TARGET for a Narcissist!!! The Narcissist wants these traits but lack the ability to work to achieve them so they dismiss, deny and destroy you because they are jealous of you!! Great subject!! Knowledge is POWER!! Use this life experience to GROW into an amazing person!! Use this life lesson to sharpen your SKILLS to see a NARCISSIST and walk away!! Now you keep your POWER, 💥BAM💥

[@thisisbubblegumx]

OMG! That's why I internalized the belief that I was worthless most of my life and ai had to earn and prove my worth! My dad was a neglectful narcissist! Wow!

[@butcherbane3517]

Thanks for this. I know EXACTLY what you went through. Luckily enough, I tend to charm people the narcissists' are rejected by. lol, its a lot of work but it cools the blood

[@favourednkambule3125]

Remain Blessed and many thanks for the Great work you do in our lives. Thank You for walking this journey with us in our healing and restoration.

[@KayElle211]

God bless you, Kevin. You helped me so much. Thank you.

[@RB-jq6gh]

People's values are highjacked by the the commercial construct of value.

[@LesleyGarvs-vo7eq]

I write my limits for me. Coming from narc family...I didn t know my limits...from peeing on my pants, to not know when to stop eating, totally unaware of myself. So when I speak or write my limits...in reality is for me😢...until it sinks in , and it would be wonderful to only meet people who automatically bang respect your limits, yet many strangers or people not directly related to us after narc healing...still are abusors...😢