Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person

This video sees Alain de Botton, Creator of The School of Life and narrator on the majority of our videos, talking at a Google event in London in 2017.
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[@thelastpilot4582]

I met my wife when she was 15 and I was 16. We married about 3 years latter and she died last year aged 75. We were together for 60 years and I still love her.

[@banjillaphranks]

That’s inspiring

[@alexanderdelacruz9249]

So sorry for your loss, but wow together for 60 yrs? 👍🏻

[@theresamclaughlin2610]

@@alexanderdelacruz9249 We have been married for 53 years and still are loving each other and take care of each other. I feel very blessed and can only imagine how hard it is without her. We never know how the end will be but with Faith, we believe if we are good here that we will be reunited. I do believe that some moments we take turns being hard to live with but of course there is never perfect in life and no one is ! How fortunate we have been able to love and adapt by trying to understand both sides and think about all the good when that annoying repetition of behavior occurs. Tolerance is a necessary tool

[@alexanderdelacruz9249]

@@theresamclaughlin2610 i can only imagine what your going thru 🙏

[@ttc958]

I'm So Sorry

[@MomochiAsagi]

I like to think of it this way: I didn't marry the wrong person, I married a real person. Instead of falling in love with an idea, fall in love with a real human being.

[@toilaconhaisam3037]

Pathetic, i marry mine waifu and you know how? Takings sleeping pills

[@MomochiAsagi]

@@toilaconhaisam3037 LOLOLOL 😂

[@川口篤紀]

Nice

[@xiella2028]

@@toilaconhaisam3037 Melatonin is our bestfriend

[@toilaconhaisam3037]

@@xiella2028 that's my second wife

[@versace.internet489]

"Inside every cynical person is a disappointed idealist." - George Carlin

[@hatem3921]

I miss that fucking guy RIP Carlin u funny shit Lord

[@AafiyaBhayani22]

people keep calling me cynical and yes i agree wtf thank you for sharing that quote. going to look Carlin up rn.

[@cambiubiu8722]

If u scratch the surface of a cynic, you will always find a disappointed idealist underneath

[@keepkalm823]

Thank you

[@Posthistoricalslave]

Love you 👌🏻 man

[@danielpedro8081]

“Love is not just admiration for strength, it is also tolerance for weakness.”

[@VictorGabriel77676]

This quote hit me the hardest too

[@deerclaudia]

This should be in the marry vow❤

[@whatsthepoint843]

@@timothywade9618 Sorry for your trauma my guy. But what happen to you is the exception not the norm. Unless you're being edgy because you got dumped. Maybe you're just a troll. Maybe you're dead, I hope not. Anyway, trust the perfect stranger that I am: It will get better if you want it to go better.

[@andrewondigo7608]

being ugly is her weakness and I'm tolerating it!

[@KebabsRock1997]

I believe that it would rather be the willingness to help each other overcome our weaknesses, together. The essence of true love is one's conviction of being more with the other, mutually.

[@gennaroascione2534]

"Addiction is basically any pattern of behaviour where you cannot stand to be with yourself": a very deep thought, indeed.

[@jorddalord5400]

It's so true. Recently i've realised this

[@andu__]

addiction to what?

[@jazzenmor3483]

Still trying to digest

[@whitey3618]

@@andu__ anything

[@saosaqii5807]

And idiots find things framed another way to be so profound and deep when it’s really not

[@hninimohamed1]

I have heard about a man who remained unmarried his whole life, and when he was dying, ninety years old, somebody asked him, “You have remained unmarried your whole life, but you have never said what the reason was. Now you are dying, at least quench our curiosity. If there is any secret, now you can tell it, because you are dying; you will be gone. Even if the secret is known, it can’t harm you.” The man said, “Yes, there is a secret. It is not that I am against marriage, but I was searching for a perfect woman. I searched and searched, and my whole life slipped by.” The inquirer asked, “But upon this big earth, so many millions of people, half of them women, couldn’t you find one perfect woman?” A tear rolled down from the eye of the dying man. He said, “Yes, I did find one.” The inquirer was absolutely shocked. He said, “Then what happened? Why didn’t you get married?” And the old man said, “But the woman was searching for a perfect husband.” Osho - The Dhammapada: The Way of the Buddha

[@gracemoore384]

Mohamed Hn

[@LesG985]

Well, shit.

[@acvo7]

Wowwww, the feels!!!

[@gelgiron6262]

Mohamed Hnini nice

[@MegaDenaz]

Mohamed Hnini good story

[@Casandrachia]

“Love is not just the admiration for strength, it is also tolerance for weakness and recognition of ambivalence”.

[@edwinpepela1205]

You are loved

[@cipryan96]

Not the case for the men's.

[@emmanuelacquah8582]

i feel this quote..

[@anuradhainamdar8967]

I agree.

[@tyronekim3506]

The quote you stated is the guy's opinion what love is. You can replace the word "love" with the word "respect" in the quote and get an opinion on what is respecting a person. I was disappointed that he didn't cite any studies on marriage. I'm asking myself is he an expert or a charlatan. Be safe and in good health.

[@thatonegirl6236]

so basically: - communicate your feelings to them - don't expect a 100% amazing human - if your partner tells you about something you do wrong it's to help you learn from it - change how you respond to problems in the relationship (unless it gets really bad) - do what you want to do because you'll regret all of it either way so it doesn't matter If I missed any points please comment below

[@Stockland475]

We need more people like you, thank you for making our life easier

[@lauraschutze8363]

A related thought that a friend taught me, and it enabled me to go back to school and do really well, is that when you receive a criticism, you should immediately tell yourself that there is something to learn from it, and that the person who criticized you did not have to bother to tell you. Most people won't bother to tell you what you're doing wrong, as it is kind of difficult and embarrassing to be the bearer of bad news. You don't have to do what they're telling you to do, but at least they tried to give you a suggestion when something wasn't working. After thanking them you can review what they said, and you can discard the information if it was given in a bad spirit. By thanking them for the suggestion or the critique you may also find that you disarm any bad intention they might have had. The criticism is only an attack If you receive it as such.

[@The0nlyy]

-True happiness is impossible to achieve -We are all going to die with regrets

[@cosmasofoegbu6081]

Who else has gotten tired of talking

[@aimiloo]

@@lauraschutze8363 Thanks for sharing this, I needed to hear it!

[@daisyflowers9334]

He is so right. Those of us who have long time marriages, have generally discovered this. We who have been married a long time have come to realize we are married to another human being, with flaws, virtues, strengths, weaknesses, just like we ourselves have. We learned that marriage takes work, and we don't always feel in love, but our marriage isn't just based on how we feel, it's based also on our dedication to making our relationship work.

[@iolet.9695]

♡

[@daisyflowers9334]

I guess one has to ask themselves how they got to the point where there is no more love for that person. How did it happen, what brought it to that point. Maybe there is still love, but the unhappy spouse just wants something to stop that is ruining the marriage.

[@clairecadoux324]

thank you for that superb articulation. it can be very hard for the damaged humans who had a wibbly wobbly start.

[@daisyflowers9334]

LOL, we are all damaged to some extent. It just seems that those of us who have managed to have long term marriages, have decided to make changes that are conducive to a happy marriage. A bit of sage advice my dear Mom gave me when I was first married was if you want to make your Marriage work then you have to do loving things for your spouse even if you don't feel that way, because it's in the doing that creates the feeling, when it isn't there to begin with.

[@bizmonkey007]

Daisy Flowers “Marriage takes work” - you mean it’s not a fairytale and is more like an investment? There would be fewer divorces if people came to that realization before getting married. Sex and love can make people blind though

[@contemplativegirl21]

"We are out to find partners who feel familiar...we are on a quest to suffer in ways that feel familiar." Jesus, that's insightful. I needed this talk 20 years ago...

[@callmekite]

contemplativegirl21 it’s not too late even still!

[@erwandomine250]

I am still Young with no experience in relationships. What would you recommend I make of this statement?

[@balaclava__music]

@@erwandomine250 asking myself this same question

[@marissa9335]

@erwan domainé @chocomint well it’s just a way of saying you’ll hurt in ways you have before in your childhood because it’ll feel familiar you’ll think it’s love if I make sense, per say you’re in a relationship with someone and they have some similarities to a parent or guardian that has cared for you. Whether it be good and bad the reason you love them is because they probably resemble that love you have been given when you were younger. I don’t know I’m not good with words it’s my best take at explaining it.

[@redvelvetcakeYUM]

Marissa A perfect explanation. The subconscious brain rules us all.

[@annarodriguez9868]

My husband, may he rest in peace, was the most patient and forgiving person I have ever known. We married young, but he was mature and I was still acting somewhat like rebellious teen. He understood that my parents were very strict and I had very little freedom to do much. Anyway, he understood that I didn't want to feel like I was being bossed around. When we were just married, the first time I thought he was being bossy I yelled at him that he wasn't my father. He said, You're right. I'm your husband and you have to help me decide what we are going to do now. Wow! That was a surprise! Now, to be very honest that wasn't the only time I was unreasonable, but he was always patient. After a few years I can say that he helped me become mature. I tell people that he finished raising me. God bless him! We had children and grandchildren and each other for 36 years. He's been gone 17 years and I still miss him. I was blessed to have him in my life. I wouldn't be who I am without him. God blessed me with a wonderful man who loved me as I was and nurtured me to become a better person. Peace and blessings to all!

[@angr3819]

That is lovely. I am so sorry he passed away, although I don't doubt he watches over and waits patiently for you.

[@TeuXT_1414]

@@angr3819 "waits patiently for you" - the creepiest thing I heard in this year so far

[@angr3819]

@@TeuXT_1414 Troll bot.

[@Karen-m2d1t]

This is very touching

[@lizardking2054]

That was a really nice story. You get it that he probably passed away so young (I'm guessing in his late 50s, younger 60s) beacuse you casused him so much worries?

[@mlatrellelove]

"Sometimes we reject wonderful or nice people . . . when we meet them we say 'they aren't that exciting or they are a bit boring.' What we really mean is that we've detected in this really quite accomplished person, someone who will not be able to make us suffer in a way that we need to suffer in order to feel that love is real . . . and that's why we reject them. We are not merely on a quest to be happy, we are on a quest to suffer in ways that feel familiar. This undermines our capacity to find a good partner."

[@rahuljha6774]

Wow

[@MsBrehay]

Except for the fact that some people are genuinely boring or rather stupid? Which leads to feelings of a lack of respect and it's important to respect a partner. Why should someone settle for someone they view as boring? This seemingly deep quote is just another example of ignoring very real nuances of human interaction.

[@rahuljha6774]

@@MsBrehay boring and stupid people find other equally boring and stupid people to find happiness and love. The trouble is when the partnership is not equal in terms of intellect and understanding. This is the case where I find a lot of merit in what is written above.

[@tigisthailuasfawossen6312]

Scary

[@maami8232]

Na przykład narcyz i wrażliwy człowiek

[@dj_bae]

“Our parents aren’t gonna tell us what’s wrong with us, they love us too much.” Asian kids:

[@flinggonza5688]

"Jimmy, come the FUCK over here, you missed an A+ on one of your subjects"

[@onemillionpercent]

Lmaooooo actually all parents but I’m an Asian kid so I can relate. I mean if they just praise us all the time even when we do badly/can improve then we would become arrogant anyways

[@marinadavies1917]

lol my parents are asian parents while not actually being asian

[@immapunchu5313]

'Look at your cousins got into Harvard, and look at you being stupid. I wasted my rice for nothing!"

[@abdot604]

asian parent: you doctor yet kid: no dad im 12 asian parent: talk to me when you doctor

[@lisa1446]

Here's my advice... marry a kind person. I did and I'm grateful for it every day! If someone is mean, letting you down, critical let it go. More :) than :(.

[@alexnguyen2557]

That's the type of person I would look for in life

[@martymarl4602]

@Sunny Delight , you aren't very sunny or delightful are you?...lol

[@magnamia]

Thank you for this! :)

[@aaronk3788]

@@alexnguyen2557 same here

[@BlackandGold-x6n]

@Sunny Delight Lisa said 'a kind person' not 'a perfect person'.

[@rockyp3917]

"To be with another person is negotiating imperfections everyday" Absolutely brilliant, Alain de Botton

[@dawnlatta7106]

Perfectly stated!

[@omaralkayal7598]

that's why we should accept that no one is perfect and instead of hiding a problem work with your partner about it

[@rafreyes5140]

newbies in dating won't understand this

[@rafreyes5140]

@Nernest Wilson i think if you are attracted to someone (or at least committed to them) you kind of neglect the things that are not that pleasant about them, you tend to focus more on their qualities

[@rafreyes5140]

@Nernest Wilson which one? you're staying because you are 'attracted' to them or because you are committed? i think attraction can be temporary being committed is a choice or maybe after those people you met you realize what really attracts you, mine is someone's way of thinking

[@YouTubeTeacherRemote]

I was married for 15 years to a man who thought all "education" was "nagging" and "putting him down". He was older n always told me I had to "learn" but was never willing to learn from me and my needs. I thought I was flawed and had to hide this until years later, he had passed. In my late 40s I found a man I grew fond of. Our first disagreement or misunderstanding I thought it was over. I was not going to dissapoint another man by nagging him. As I was walking out of the door I said," You really don't know or get me do you? And this 50+ year old man said "I'm willing to learn" I also thought, well Me too!" It's been almost 8 years now that we have been together and married. Learning to love is the only way to be happy 😊 still learning him every day ❤️

[@amaragrace94]

Aww I love this. Wishing you a happy marriage.

[@YouTubeTeacherRemote]

@@amaragrace94 thanks so much!

[@yoshilover765]

This is really sweet. I'm happy for you and yours.

[@YouTubeTeacherRemote]

@@yoshilover765 thank you so much😊

[@User12345fan]

You were married for 15 years before , this one is 8. Hold your horses sister. You didn’t stay for the whole 15 years if you did not like the first marriage, maybe you only hated year 15. Before you think anything changed, try to do 20 years with this guy? Will you?

[@Lloydter1]

This video raised my maturity level by 50 years

[@emmanuelacquah8582]

hahahahahaha

[@Tierrittaa]

LOL

[@themaggattack]

SERIOUSLY!

[@FantasticExplorers]

Correc!

[@chrisding1976]

So your 12?

[@eunminwootang]

"You cannot have perfection and company. To be in company with another person is to be negotiating imperfection every day"

[@shudhanshuchoudhary1323]

I was actually finding someone to highlight this phrase ..

[@lorrainesekera4100]

I wrote this down as well!

[@shukosworld5754]

🙂🙂👌🏿

[@aimeeh2125]

I just finally understood this about a relatoomship.. that It's imperfect..we are imperfect..💜

[@Njele]

Yes sir

[@SacredKaw]

I deliberately looked for a women who was completely different than my parents, and that made all the difference. We were married for 29 years until her body lost the ability to contain her soul.

[@alannajm]

what a beautiful way to word it

[@tlaoltjenbruns9580]

I am absolutely pleased that you met and spent so much time with such a wonderful person! I don't feel the need to say "I'm sorry for your loss" because that may discredit all the good times you had with her. Instead I'll say "I admire the fact that you two stayed together for so long". I want that. I want someone who I can work through problems with as an adult and who I know will be willing to see my side of the story... even if I'm wrong/at fault and we both know it.

[@ashpasch6004]

So sorry hope you're okay now.🙏💗

[@kompanjonac]

Very smart move

[@judithmcbride4023]

Your comment abt your wife brings tears to my eyes. GOD bless you.❤️

[@cTyg4e]

"We're not merely on a quest to be happy. We're on a quest to suffer in ways that feel familiar." Brilliant talk, thank you!

[@Cheep5]

​@Bob-rb4qpIt's just the truth about how our brain works, it might be difficult to accept cause it is kinda depressing

[@sethtenrec]

@Bob-rb4qp you’re missing the fact that you’re just using semantics. You’re saying the exact same thing as the speaker. He’s just a little more brutal about the truth and you’re sugarcoating it.

[@sethtenrec]

@Bob-rb4qp once again, just telling the truth, because I love you. Optimism equals ignorance. Everywhere you look, powerful forces are trying to develop authoritarian governments to enslave you. Unless you already live in one of those many countries already. Every day your body rots from the inside a little bit more, your DNA does not reproduce your skin or organs or anything exactly the way it should. If you’re “lucky” you grow old and get chronic pain and become crippled and eventually need people to take care of you. Of course many people manufacture a God, or an afterlife to delude themselves into thinking it will someday be better. The funniest part about the above is that you are going to say I’m a dark pessimist just because I can see reality. None of this has anything to do with the video, about the fundamental way we deal with others. Seeking someone who has the same faults as parents or others important in our youth, so we can “change them” and salve the pain. You might want to get to know yourself a little better, then you’ll understand. Surface optimism is not depth.

[@aleph-not]

Ah yes, the Lack

[@Hooftimmer]

This is why people marry what’s been modeled in childhood. Fuck that shit!

[@pennykanyaucat]

"To love someone is to apply charity, and generosity of interpretation.." What an immensely helpful statement.

[@GodiscomingBhappy]

unless you are married to a psychopath and runs you to the ground whilst you are applying "generosity in your interpretation"

[@pennykanyaucat]

@@GodiscomingBhappy Well then you aren't loving yourself.

[@xenochrist15]

Not if your partner has zero compassion.

[@gigizuzu8479]

The problem with this is that you could apply "generosity of interpretation" or in other words give your partner the benefit of the doubt until the day of your death while you are being taken advantage of and expected to apply exactly that with them so they can get away with anything. And once you realize that it's one sided and that this great characteristic of yours is abused and exploited you know you married the wrong person. Not as bad as you, worse.

[@sonyavincent7450]

My mother was actively jealous of me and tried to undermine me all my life.

[@dimr1088]

My best relationship started when I realized I don't need anyone to be happy.

[@jakebullet1731]

Become a Stoic. Being content in your own company is a superpower these days.

[@josiahcaterino]

@@jakebullet1731 Being alone and being lonely are two very different things.

[@beactivebehappy9894]

I read it in the wrong way, as in I don't want anyone to be happy, in a sadistic way. Realised how swapping two similar words in change the entire sentiment.

[@rebeccaimmel4160]

Hallelujah

[@rodneymcinnes9434]

You are the master of your own feelings..once you nail that then you realise you don't need anyone too be happy then your a better partner ..thanks for spreading the message..

[@teldrah]

Married my best friend and never looked back. Don't marry someone you're primarily sexually attracted to, because that goes away. Marry someone you like because that feeling stays.

[@syedraidarsalan4685]

I viewed this comment with my best friend, who is of opposite gender… one of the most uncomfortable moments in my life so far.

[@s3r3n4sm4r7]

I married my best friend, 16 years together so far. 11 years of marriage and 5 kids. ❤

[@zekoomrkva]

@@syedraidarsalan4685 are you attracted to her at all?

[@windsofmarchjourneyperrytr2823]

Well, not really, but if you say so...look at divorce rate.

[@baum7des7lebens7]

"that goes away"? Not necessarily

[@camerakid76]

I’ve read many books on relationships, I’ve listened to many hundreds of hours of audio and video on relationships, I’ve personally been in many relationships trying to understand what makes a successful lasting and happy one; THIS is a 20 minute masterclass on relationships as good as I’ve ever read or heard!

[@lamusic1996]

You summarized this video in a best way. Thank you.

[@sethtenrec]

@@lamusic1996 I didn’t see any summary at all, but a very brief review, perhaps. Certainly, no summary, you might want to read up on your dictionary a little. Also, remember, I’m only taking the trouble to criticize you out of love.

[@lonelylittledot]

"Love is a skill. A skill that need to be learned. And a skill that our society refuses to consider as a skill"

[@eduardochavacano]

Love viewed as a skill may still make it what it should not be about manipulation. Love should be natural and by instincts. Marriage being a business agreement should require skill. Two people signing a contract to do theater base on a narrative designed to please society. While marriage is beautiful. Some people ruined it for a lot of people, example, very effeminate men who are married to a woman and society is expected to cheer for them in social media as they celebrate their sham of a marriage, which is a laughing stock for as long as the husband can’t even smile on a photo without looking like a princess trying to be a lesbian to escape an arranged marriage.

[@snowbird1381]

We try to love. But we get work, school and busy shit shoved in our faces. It costs an arm and a leg just to get by now. There’s no room for romantic love anymore.

No, no, no. Love is nature

[@elonever.2.071]

@@snowbird1381 Romantic love is a state of mind. *You are always in a state of mind.* Why not tweak the dial a little so no matter who you are with, or whatever you are doing, it will be done with love instead of obligation.

[@wilfredv1930]

please remind me something, Was he reading an essay? own notes? any author? I was very absort about the talk that I didnt realize of that document he had in his hands

[@mettagood3468]

he is talking at the perfect speed so satisfying

[@kingkang6877]

Totally. I don't have to do 1.5x or 2x speed

[@ayszhang]

I still watched at 1.5

[@TheOldBearTime]

I did 2x speed, lol

[@eggxecution]

he slows down then speaks quickly and slows down again and again. LOL

[@tho207]

I did 10x - the 1x-upper kid

[@constantvictory3547]

When I can't stand my husband of 30 years another day, I think about how many people couldn't stand me.

[@GUITARTIME2024]

omg. very self aware and very surprising to hear a woman say that.

[@oroville12345]

I like your honesty 😉 you make a wonderful wife.

[@constantvictory3547]

@@oroville12345 Thank you. It is my pride and joy that he thinks so too.

[@MandyJMaddison]

GuitarGuy, I must say that it is not even the tiniest bit surprising to hear a man respond in the manner that you did. One hopes for a little more awareness. But hopes diappoint us, don't they?

[@constantvictory3547]

@@MandyJMaddison How do you think a married woman should feel about her husband? Just because you have lowered yourself for unworthy men doesn't mean we all have. I hope that one day you find a man you can feel this way about, poor thing.

[@emilianojgs]

“Demanding perfection will only lead to loneliness” Wow, what an amazing piece of advice. As a person who has struggled with loneliness over most of my life and feeling isolated from my loved ones, this advice makes me see things in a different light. This not only applies to marriage, but to every loving relationship we have in life, we must work with people and their flaws, and make each other better every day.

[@patriciamaeda852]

And that’s why I’ll never date again,…

[@fs5866]

You can't demand perfection but you can demand improvement.

[@plenaryverbalist]

@@fs5866 you can demand whatever the fuck you want. You can also be denied.

[@cockeyedoptimista]

And demanding perfection from ourselves too.

[@bsuong]

Yes we all need to grow into better people everyday.

[@wesleyhargon]

“Love is a skill.” After nearly two years of marriage, I can assure you this is spot on! Love is a skill that can be learned, but only through patience, humility, and commitment.

[@mygirldarby]

Two years? You're still at the very beginning! It gets challenging and complicated as the years go by. After 23 years of marriage, I realize I still have so much to learn.

[@wesleyhargon]

@@mygirldarby You're absolutely right! I aim to be where you are. Thanks for sharing your wisdom. 🙂

[@marshmallowvampire8503]

I love this

[@desi1844]

Love is a skill!!? Lol

[@SVURulez]

Sounds more like a burden than a gift.

[@cocolambo]

"We all think love is just an instinct. No! Love is a skill, and a skill that needs to be learned" - Very well said! Thank you for another fantastic (and insightful) video

[@vordman]

Lust is an instinct.

[@joyduru2374]

Very right

[@Paperwings90]

I'd still say early stages of love and general affection go a lot by instinct, it's just a very different love when it comes to being together for years.

[@charitymills442]

DIDNT LEARN IT, SO I LOST IT

[@ArthurMorgansDeadHorse]

Love is not a skill, love is action. And doesnt always come with a warm and fuzzy feeling.

[@lydiaheelu2681]

"If you cannot explain, you'll never be understood". That's deep!

[@A_ldo..]

How do i explain

[@lydiaheelu2681]

@@A_ldo.. Communicate and communicate some more. I believe more marriages would be more healthier and divorce would be avoided if we speak more with each other about our thoughts, feelings, expectations, fears, disappointments, goals and so forth. Human beings are not mind-readers, so people can only meet us as far as we’re willing to reveal of who we are, what we want and expect. If we don’t explain, people are going to make assumptions about us and those are most certainly bound to be wrong. So the best is to tell and show people who we are and what we want so they don’t end up misunderstanding us. I hope that small explanation helped a little bit 😊😊. On a personal note, I’m very forth coming about what I want and expect. I feel it’s my responsibility to represent myself very clearly so I’m not misunderstood.....especially in my marriage and by those who matter to me. I’m my own representative to others and no human being knows me better than me.

[@stevedoetsch]

If you don't need to be understood you'll be a man; if you need to be understood you'll be a woman.

[@roamer1389]

Every introverts worst nightmare 😔

[@charmainalane]

@@stevedoetsch i dont "need" to be understood, I find that simply being loved is what I need and want at any given moment..this is enough.

[@86sineadw]

‘We are all incompatible, but it is the work of love to make us graciously accommodate each other and ourselves to each other a incompatibilities and therefore compatibility is and achievement of love’ this right there ♥️

[@ct6852]

That's a nice thought and I mostly agree. But some are especially toxic for each other. Sometimes you gotta run in the opposite direction.

[@jackdawson5273]

NO IT AINT, YA JUST SCARED SHITLESS OF BEING ALONE, INSECURE AINT YA. STOP LIEING AND TALK THE UGLY TRUTH YA FKN MORON. YOU ARE A FRAUD

[@86sineadw]

@@ct6852 That's the point, love isn't toxic. As in authentic love isn't toxic. Compatibility is 'a state in which two things are able to exist or occur together without problems or conflict'. So compatibility is achieved when there is authentic love (not toxicity). I know there are relationships where people are abused, and you're right you should run in the opposite direction. But this statement does not apply to that scenario, because authentic love and compatibility aren't the same as toxicity.

[@shubhankarsingh7458]

Lovely !!

[@Mileys_choice]

@レリック Mmmkay.... and you felt the need to comment on that why, exactly?

[@TheCrystalClear]

“To love is to have the willingness to interpret someone’s not very appealing behaviour on the surface to find more benevolent reasons why it may be unfolding.” Wow! That’s the most powerful definition of love I’ve ever heard.

[@PinkyMinions]

@@AmaraSoGolden it means to love someone you have to look beyond the shell of their behavior and see the good beneath it

[@ras6638]

But what if u cant find any benevolent reasons below the surface?

[@PinkyMinions]

@@ras6638 if the surface is what matters, then that’s at best a 3 year relationship

[@ras6638]

@@PinkyMinions No thats not what I mean. A women (over-)reacts in a different manner (emotional) to things, which is sometimes unlogical and unnecessary in my opinion. When I try to reasonate, sometimes i cant find a good reason for their 'not very appealing behaviour" under the surface, making it harder to maintain paitience...

[@TessaForrester]

@@ras6638 I try to think about what kind of suffering the other person may be battling inside to cause them to act this way. The same way I try to show myself this compassion when I've behaved in ways I'm not proud of. It's often underlying fear of something, and that usually helps me find compassion for the behaviour. Helps me to remember they are a person too, and inside we all have the same hopes and dreams and suffer in the same way. Instead of feeling contempt towards someone whose behaviour I don't like. It's something I have to remind myself of and practice everyday. It's helped me accept and love myself more too.

[@laurama1991]

Woah! He just said our parents will never tell us what is wrong with us? That's all my parents did my whole life! What world does he live in?? it sounds great!

[@robmausser]

If you had parents that berated you or were mean in such a way, they most likely were still being dishonest with you. They weren't telling you the truth of what is wrong with you, they were telling you what they didn't like about you, or what they didn't like about themselves. Completely different than what is actually wrong with you.

[@ichoosemysanity6467]

My parents were Capricorns they would tell me trust me!

[@emilygee6618]

Sounds like conditional love. Like under certain circumstances they showed approval and love. God on the other hand, wants us to be like Him and have *Unconditional* love. To choose to love, even when people aren't perfect. Which people never are😂. I mean He died for us when we were being absolutely ungodly. We were far from perfect when he gave us the ultimate gift.

[@justadjustor8993]

Hello fellow Asian. That's all. 'Nuff said 😂🤣.

[@ichoosemysanity6467]

@@emilygee6618 I know people who got unconditional love and they live in their parents garage for 50 years. Honestly nobody likes being pushed but the results are greatness.

[@checcozalone4965]

The message is not to not get married, but to accept your imperfection

[@northernguy8860]

And, as Alain says, to "apply charity and generosity" when interpreting another's behaviour.

[@PeopleHealthTru]

@@TristalisVitae God doesn't make mistakes. What God has joined together, let no one separate. There is a reason, perhaps to test if you love God above all.

[@PeopleHealthTru]

@@TristalisVitae to save people 20+ minutes of watching these videos

[@jackmars931]

Then his message is wrong. Just because someone stands on a stage and some people clap doesn't mean they are anyone special. He has no more insight than any random youtube commenter...the people that already agree with him and whose opinions he reinforces will think he's wonderful, the rest will think he's an idiot.

[@nataliasliwinska4379]

Your and your partner's imperfections

[@loonar7960]

My personal advice on marriage is to stop looking for everything you want in one person and start looking for everything you NEED. This is where knowing yourself comes in because it's hard to separate the two. Relationships are about compromise. Not just loving relationships; every relationship. So find what you can compromise on and what you can't, find someone who fulfills your needs, and HOPE that you fulfill theirs.

[@secreteobsession3584]

I need communication it was not there

[@elissa1660]

Wow. Thx so much

[@anna-lenab8343]

This is really good advice! Thank you for the inspiration

[@ct6852]

Finding someone who truly wants to make you happy is rare, and should be appreciated for what it is.

[@sam.r8610]

Compromise is bad word it's abt two people who understand each other and respect both values

[@BaldPerspective]

1:29 "It is in fact hope that drives rage." 4:01 "Probably after 10 minutes acquaintance, a stranger will know more about your flaws than you might know over 40 years of life on the planet." 8:18 "If you keep following your feelings, you will almost certainly make a big mistake." 11:25 "So love is not just admiration for strength, it is also tolerance for weakness & recognition for ambivalence." 12:07 "You can't think too much; you can only ever think badly [instead of too much]." 12:52 "In other words, quite a lot about our early experiences of love are bound up with various kinds of suffering." 14:57 "We sulk with people who we feel should understand us, & yet, for some reason, decided not to." 17:17 "No one should accept the whole of us." 18:29 "You cannot have perfection & company." There are some banger-ass quotes in this vid; thanks The School of Life. Have a nice day, everyone!!

[@Chicklife4life]

Brilliant information

[@ninasagemerten9325]

You thank a person who holds you down for a minor version of self-realization? Turn to the heavens instead, I invite you.

[@hellenacherokeechen9875]

Thank you!

[@soumyomitra8975]

9:10 "To love someone is to apply charity and generosity of interpretation" 👏👏👏

[@coreycox2345]

Banger-ass is right, Bald Perspective.

[@supercomputer0448]

Can't marry the wrong person if you never get married.

[@bongekandwandwe5205]

PREACH

[@melonabd]

you'll *regret* that

[@supercomputer0448]

@@melonabd are you *shure* about that?

[@spekcz]

Abdullah Alhamada tell that to priests

[@sebastianlee6695]

that is quite the immature response

[@zur137]

Bold of you to assume I’ll get married. Edit: it’s not that deep I’m just ugly ✌️

[@Rozeg666]

@@analives13 Who're those "us" you're talking about?

[@radiatorbacon5239]

@@analives13 living together in fact does not count as marriage at all. I don't know why you would think such a thing.

[@devinbradshaw9756]

I hope you never get married

[@Paine010]

I absolutely will be living alone my whole life. Well, a dog, but that's it.

[@kateyaw16]

You do you

[@at_sofdog]

I love this talk and watched it multiple times over the years. I now see one big problem with it. It assumes that the partner - even though they might not be the best match for us - has good intentions. When this is not the case, trying to shut down your instincts and compromise can lead to some very dangerous places. I don’t think we should be glorifying the idea that we kinda suck so if someone sticks around we should just be grateful. Trying to improve yourself as a person and as a partner in an unhealthy context can lead to trauma because it will never be good enough for someone who does not actually care for you. Take it with a pinch of salt.

[@summersalix]

Thank you for saying this. This is an important point that can trap many people

[@gagamonster1049]

Agree

[@hablahabla6653]

Underrated comment

[@lukedevlin5948]

I have always believed that a true good partner is one that inspires you to better yourself, no through pressure or insults but just instinctively. When you have two people who share this feeling you have a strong relationship

[@carlstanford7607]

I think it’s speaking to typical couples as opposed to toxic relationships and what a great point you make clarifying it. Well done

[@UnluckyFatGuy]

Question: What is love? a. Baby, don't hurt me b. Don't hurt me c. No more

[@donnaporter5409]

It is many things. One place to start is by remembering that one thing that love DOES is that it causes one to put the needs of their partner above their own...and do it willingly & without having to actually think about it.

[@debbiemoore2747]

@Unlucky Fat Guy damn it lol you beat me to the punch ha ha ha

[@debbiemoore2747]

@@donnaporter5409 You understand that he put lyrics from a Haddaway song lol

[@donnaporter5409]

@@debbiemoore2747 of course!😉😂

[@cathrynmitchell1607]

Donna Porter I

[@shaemcparland6456]

He nailed it, we're often drawn to people that make us "suffer in ways that feel familiar". It's possible to prevent this by being self aware of our emotional trauma from childhood and to work through it with like a therapist, etc

[@adrianoss.bougas3720]

However, he said we cannot change who we are attracted to sadly. But we can change how we respond to these types. I am still trying to figure, after many years and dating, if he is right or you are. Hoping you are. Also what kind of therapy can help with identifying childhood trauma?

[@haraldmencke3252]

What does it really means"suffer in ways that are familiar"?

[@adrianoss.bougas3720]

@@haraldmencke3252 it means we choose to enter relationships that make feel loved but also hurt the same way our parents treated us. We want to be loved a certain way, which is not always good.

[@metaraum]

Damn that inherent base program of the human psyche called suppression/repression/denial lol. Projection, by definition, is unconscious and therefore not preventable, only transformable. You almost sound like an optimist.

[@walescahernandez2245]

One must heal of past hurts to move forward in a new direction or you are doomed to repeat the past. Be it with a past person or new person, the cycle repeats if you are carrying the same old energy into your present.

[@AdarshJohnson]

There's something about this video that makes me forgive everyone I know, and I like that feeling.

[@oi8542]

Beautiful message

[@mightymight24]

Empathy

[@meluk6991]

Vulnerability is a good thing.

[@soumendranayak5963]

Perfectly True 😘😄

[@julianaihunanyaanioke4545]

And your comment just made me love whoever you’re ❤️

[@AmorphionIsle]

I actually like listening to Alain talk. He doesn't drag on or repeat himself, he cuts straight to the point and actually teaches you something new. Thank you for the lesson and the free information.

[@robertholloway6612]

The most disappointed people usually have high expectations. While those who live a happy life care little of the expectations of others.

[@carte202]

Robert Holloway 💯✊🏽

[@sonofhibbs4425]

Reminds me of something like those who have rosey eyed idealistic thoughts about life can also be the most cruel. If you think about communism, what occurred...even with what happened with Hitler...people wanted beauty and the ideal life. Ultimate structure with perfect players and beauty to boot. That’s what was being peddled, and people bought it. Instead there was rot, brutality and failure.

[@GQElvie]

right on Mr. Holloway

[@frederickhoward5598]

Primarily due to the fact that they already knows the inner life is what's most important, and not the projected one or expected one🤔✌🏿😎

[@miamazingness]

I think the key is balance. Don't expect perfection, but have standards (respectful or whatever other values you want to prioritize).

[@versace.internet489]

I like how he cut a part out of the Kierkegaard quote - “Marry, and you will regret it; don’t marry, you will also regret it; marry or don’t marry, you will regret it either way. Laugh at the world’s foolishness, you will regret it; weep over it, you will regret that too; laugh at the world’s foolishness or weep over it, you will regret both. Believe a woman, you will regret it; believe her not, you will also regret it… Hang yourself, you will regret it; do not hang yourself, and you will regret that too; hang yourself or don’t hang yourself, you’ll regret it either way; whether you hang yourself or do not hang yourself, you will regret both. This, gentlemen, is the essence of all philosophy.” ― Søren Kierkegaard

[@jameshammond3853]

Philosophy is inferior

[@nanon7695]

James Hammond to what?

[@jameshammond3853]

@@nanon7695 U tell me

[@nanon7695]

James Hammond No YOU tell ME

[@hailbaphomet]

@@jameshammond3853 That statement makes no sense whatsoever.

[@pigjubby1]

You married the wrong person because you dated the wrong person and you knew it since the beginning. You just didn't want to see what was in front of you, and you hoped what was real, wasn't. In other words, you were impatient and you settled for fear of maybe not finding anyone. Better to be heart broken for a short time than broke as a person for a lifetime.

[@GoOutside321]

Your feelings, infatuation, etc. are all part of your projections. We are all broken people. BE the perfect person you want and stop looking for the perfect person for you, they don’t exist.

[@baneoforcs5078]

Did you finish the video? The message is more that we are all human, and no one is perfect, even if you happen to find something(s) that seem so. Everybody has faults, even if they seem great for the first week, month, year, that we can't jive with. The trick is working with/accepting/compromising to become a symbiotic couple rather than 2 people living together.

[@namhlamhlalase9112]

if you would date everyone in the world. would find the right person? mmmm.. people are molded by the works they group in. all human being are from the same world.

[@beatrixbrennan1545]

In other words, we need to live in the REALITY of the person, not the POTENTIAL. Don't ignore red flags in the beginning because you want to see the potential for them to be better. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

[@germandavidurdaneta4034]

"you knew it since the beginning" FUCKING ACCURATEEEEEEEEE

[@ellysetaylor5908]

I don't look for perfection. I look for a willingness to change and the determination to do so

[@Realstandap]

One word; Communication. The ability to communicate is what changes the dynamic of every relationship.

[@jeffforsythe9514]

Home is where the hatred is.

[@rickstoic6907]

Really that is not remotely true for most marriages. If you have communication problems it's probably because someone is a people pleaser, which requires them to be raised to be that, which isn't universal culturally. In some countries like England it's hardly anyone. In the USA there are some pleasers. Generally communication in a broken marriage makes things worse which is why marriage counselling often leads to more marital breakdown, it gives opportunity to be plain and honest and direct about things that diminish good-will. Communication sometimes has to be restrained.

[@jeffforsythe9514]

@@rickstoic6907 It is all about karma.

[@clairecadoux471]

Bit simplistic. Communication covers a great range of behaviour and sound. Hitting someone is a form of communication.

[@jeffforsythe9514]

@@clairecadoux471 Being kind is a more advisable path.

[@tim733]

This love thing really isn’t that hard. I have what I feel is an amazing wife. I have also had a long marriage. I try to approach her and everything in my life with humility. I listen before I talk. I apologize when I am wrong. I work on being a better person everyday instead of focusing on what she does wrong. The same goes in my relationship with my kids. I always try to give more than I receive.

[@hdonstraight]

You don't sound human. Are you?

[@skylight_gameuse]

it's true too many people focus on others flaws when they have some themselves. being humble is the best way

[@haraldmencke3252]

Wow! Sound great:) Yet, not everyone is thinking that way:(

[@asnimek]

Man you're living a fantasy. Many things can get in the way of love. To be honest I'm not that big on romance and the least bit interested in it. People try to make life about romance and suddenly friendships are gone. Anyway all I can say is that it's actually really hard to find someone who is your ideal type and is faithful. Most people like new things not old things so they jump from person to person. They are bored so they leave you for someone else. If you are faithful to each other there may be things that get in the way such as race, problems (financial problems, relationship problems like being friends with the opposite gender, etc, insecurities, a parent's or parents' disapproval, etc). Some of the people who seem to have perfect lives have the hardest on them such as celebrities. In a movie or song they are forced to kiss. At photo shoots they are forced to keep up a fake smile. They are slave to their company and sometimes their fans. Like for example in kpop there are a lot of toxic fans. One example is when IU was hates on for being (I forgot the name) an idol's ideal type. Romantic relationships can be broken up because of people like these. Then there are the shippers. Th e shippers force you to be someone and do not care for your consent. If people so much talk or hug they will immediately ship them. So really it's not actually as easy as your think. You were lucky you met her or who knows where you'd be right now

[@kayznyakio5369]

Don’t you get exhausted for giving more than you receive? Nah it’s draining

[@georginacantu6499]

“Until you know yourself you can’t properly relate to another person” wow

[@npkrn6764]

This should be common sense. Too sad that it's not!

[@fivegkills6111]

@@npkrn6764 yepp.

[@Trashpanda888]

I think that sometimes it possible for someone to be on the path to self discovery, but then love arrives when you least expect it. You’re faced with the decision to let a possible good thing go because you’re not ready, or take the risk to love anyways.

[@stephenc2481]

Most of us swear that we know everything about ourselves.

[@jeffg.6310]

🎯🎯🎯

[@Fleepwn]

I'm a firm believer that love is something that needs to be built. It's true that so many people expect it to be something that just happens and has a chance to last or a chance to fail, but lately I've been much more of a fan of the idea of creating love from scratch. All it needs is some degree of familiarity and likeness, in order to establish a connection, but the rest is all about work and responsibility, which need to be fulfilling in some way. Thanks to my long-term partner for setting me on the path where I can discover and learn this, as well as exercise it over and over, every single day.

[@themaggattack]

"Addiction is when you can not stand to be on your own with the uncomfortable thoughts that come to you when you're on you'r own. You can be addicted to anything, as long as it keeps you away from yourself, away from tricky self knowledge." 🤯 "Love is not intuitive, love is a skill that needs to be learned." 👏👏👏 "Familiarity may be bound up in particular types of torture." (I sure learned that the hard way!) "We are all incompatible. But it is the work of love to make us graciously accommodate eachother and ourselves." (This talk is brilliant! It's like a lifetime of bad decisions & issues all solved in about 22 minutes!)

[@uncletea5632]

Replying so I can come back to this

[@tonileivar]

Doing the same 🙃

[@dannygithinji7370]

Brilliant

[@hannahmalaran]

True

[@ahgaseforever9170]

hmm..

[@MiniTapp]

I'm going to tell my girlfriend that I think she is "a good enough person". I have no doubts she'll feel overwhelmed with flattery. Edit Aug 2020: To those asking if we’re still together: Yes, we’re now married! Just kidding. We broke up.

[@olivinecityjasmine]

I sent my girlfriend the whole fucking video actually. Jesus was she mad at first.

[@crystallizationofthesoul7095]

@Di Ane Noo but working on the flaws is! ;)

[@anitaares8271]

As long as you follow it up with; "And I hope that you'll think that I am too." Her answer will tell you much.

[@fabulousdolphin4221]

haha

[@0nlyThis]

If she is at all honest, she will admit that she too is "settling for" the best she can get. Good luck on that.

[@Jackie-rc6cj]

"Until you know yourself you can't properly relate to another person" 5.54 Yessss.

[@starsapphirelee5714]

There it is!

[@christianpulisic7784]

Jacqueline D'Alessandra,You look stunning 🌹🌷🌷 dear

[@sreedivyau9436]

He is so right. And our society taught us so much wrong concepts about love, because of that we often feel confused about our relationship. I love this man's speech and way of presentation. No one is perfect, we don't need perfectionism. All we want is real, the unique ones with their own imperfections. Those impressions makes them special. Accept your partner with their imperfections ♥️

[@xOzEzOx]

I’m always impressed by people who can give long talks but don’t say ‘ummm’ and ‘like’ 😅

[@minahniedzwiecki8525]

Practice 😊

[@highstakes1235]

He definitely went to a private school where the Queen’s English is taught

[@tungkuartisanal5332]

He did say ‘ummm’ @ 17:53 😅

[@adriandacruz9018]

Hes really good. Level 10.

[@tonybai3204]

0:09

[@anonima7748]

Marriage is work and compromise. Not everyone is mature enough and/or has enough interest in growing a relationship and persevering in it.

[@KiaRoane]

Ano nimo truth.

[@mildman1987]

Damn straight.

[@danielletripkoff4199]

That is very true!

[@larrytompkins5719]

why would you even want to go threw that.

[@martanunez56]

Exactly no one wants to persevere👌...

[@PaulaakaPaben]

I married the right person 50+ years ago! 5 children ,grandchildren and great grandchildren later we still Love each other! I was 16 he was 19 and nobody thought it would last!

[@teal1010]

💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞

[@robertk5441]

Respect

[@eritreanism]

why are you then watching this video?

[@angelocean5556]

Awesome ❤️❤️

[@mayena5844]

@@eritreanism because it’s free

I came here after a breakup and this line hit me: “The full display of our characters, the full articulation of who we are should not be something we do in front of anyone that we care about.“ I just did that two days ago and it cost me a beautiful relationship. I should have been more graceful. :-(

[@alumsangtam902]

Same here

[@MrHackTheGibson]

I haven't seen my ex-wife in person for almost a decade. We message each-other every now and then, but I've had plenty of time to reflect and self-search. I knew she was the right one when we got married, and I haven't changed my mind yet. I was the wrong person, so to speak. The person I WAS was the wrong person. Impulsive, irresponsible, morally untrained, and emotionally undisciplined. Toxic, narcissistic, NOT "marriage material". Just moved out of mom and dad's across the country, and I get to do MAN things now!! Ugh... A lot has changed in a decade. I think about the things I did, how I acted and reacted... I'm embarrassed of the person I was, but it shows me that I've learned, changed and bettered myself as a man. I paid dearly for the wisdom I gained. I may never have another chance at marriage with "The One" but I can at least be more like the man she'd give a second chance to.

[@organicita602]

Your expressions have given me hope. Thank you

[@page8315]

I hope one day she casually stumbles upon this and knows.

[@Checkmate1138]

Why don't you go and pursue her then? Maybe she will give you a second chance?

[@catflon2388]

You should consider giving it another try with her...

[@mr.blackhawk142]

But, but.....BUTT, Jou were great in that movie SpartaPUS!!!

[@73elephants]

"If you keep following your feelings, you will almost certainly make a mistake -- in life." Or several.

[@essence830]

well.... Several is the 'right number', gotta give u that. (sigh)

[@TheMemoryPolice]

Yup. Several and Counting...

[@annamanansala2773]

Hahaha

[@hopekramer7800]

I definitely married the right person. But we are self-help addicts so we are constantly growing and changing together. So maybe we never get tired of each other.

[@AlbertBalbastreMorte]

Also your name will lead to disappointment.

[@windsofmarchjourneyperrytr2823]

Statistically very unlikely. You're just young. You'll see. :)

[@eyobalamerew1180]

kzbin.info/www/bejne/aKHEoIGsfJqBo9E

[@loridrolet385]

My hubby says... grow young not old! 33 years together.

[@suppertimesims]

@@windsofmarchjourneyperrytr2823 cynical af

[@maxxbenavente]

"Love is not just admiration for strength, it is also tolerance for weakness and recognition of ambivalence" Amazing explanation man, I learned quite a lot of things here

[@pmayes00]

the title is depressing but the video is actually kind of inspiring.

[@kambolechituwo7216]

I agree!

[@oluade1807]

“No one is compatible” a friend of mine that is married for 5 years literally told me this yesterday

[@cateatinrat78]

Are they happy?

[@oluade1807]

@@cateatinrat78 he bought her a cheesecake when we were leaving the mall that day so I guess so lol

[@sarahf.s.2961]

So true. No one is perfectly compatible to you.

[@dullknifefactory]

So what?

[@djuzla89]

@@oluade1807 Fair enough

[@notavailable708]

What he is basically telling you all is to go shadow work, become more aware, heal you inner child. 🌚 Research. Journal. Be alone to know yourself. You'll know a lot

[@oliviajae298]

It took the world stopping in 2020 for me to develop myself alone.

[@chinacochina1121]

Um... actually quite the opposite. He said that in a 10 minute acquaintance a stranger can know more about what you could improve than you will know about yourself in 40 years... the key to personal development is COMMUNITY. Silent self reflection may play a vitally important part, but it pales in comparison to truly being with people. For learning how to really "be" with people, I suggest that you go to the Landmark worldwide site and sign up for the next online Forum. It WILL change your life. "To love is to have the willingness to interpret someone's not very appealing behaviour on the surface to find more benevolent reasons why it is unfolding."

[@RafaelValore]

@@chinacochina1121 Maybe there's a bit of self neurolinguistic programming to both remarks.

[@jairflores17]

are u veteran on this? plz cause i been alone knowing me for a while and discovered like its hard even more to click with others. i just realize about my inner dark and so other will have too and idk how to deal with it, nobody teached me anytime

[@RafaelValore]

@@jairflores17 As with all, you need to retake it with calm, small steps, and practice. Make small incursions. Chances are, that because the pandemics, the others will be feeling a lot like you, too.

[@aayushishukla8406]

This man is literally reading everybody's emotions. Damn! The clarity he has 🙌

[@Masquerola]

"My task today is to turn that anger into sadness" The School of Life in a nutshell

[@theschooloflifetv]

You understand us PERFECTLY.

[@MattMatrixJohnson]

Masquerola And that sadness into personal growth

[@Swishead]

nice meme

[@smasherlord]

Fairy Khamari I would say that the unwillingness of the other person to grow and become better alongside you, or if that person causes you immense or repeated intense pain, then you're both probably not ready for that. If you have tried but they have not, then that would be the time to leave.

[@koja69]

Masquerola I'm glad I'm not the only one who noticed that :D

[@prubenheeren707]

Wow this guy's public speaking skills are insane. Love it!

[@bryanbagayas8447]

No "uhmms" and "ahhs"

[@joostosan]

Skills sure, but he talks a bit to fast for me.

[@DrHussainQasem]

And his skin at his age is phenomenon

[@dharma7471]

public speaking skills ? He is reading from his papers

[@JCX-9]

@@dharma7471 he is looking at the audience 90% of the time hardly reading.

[@a_grape_in_space1016]

"Our parents won't tell us what's wrong with us, they love us too much." Children of toxic/abusive parents: 👀

[@sweetacacia7850]

They don't though they tell us what's wrong with them

[@isidoramaggana9733]

Toxic, abusive, distant parents won't tell /teach you anything anyway..

[@frankteng]

I had both former in my aunt and latter my mom who have both raised me. But I love them both now.

[@mpeeragloria7757]

Right😂

[@lou3574]

This made me laugh thank you hahaha

[@KnightSansk]

My wedding is in a week, and this talk was very comforting- no joke

[@Roaming725]

Congratulations!!!

[@arianamontenegro5528]

Simp

[@KnightSansk]

@@maiahi She already did, and the wedding was lovely, thanks for asking.

[@anjalisingh-bh1gi]

You must be married by now. Wishing that you both learn to accomodate each other's incompatibilities graciously and with humility. Also, that your love only grows stronger. Congrats!

[@KnightSansk]

Thank you so much for this wisdom, and yes as you grow together you learn to accept the other person and even change for them(this is done on both partner's ends) and I'm happy to say that we've been closer than ever.

[@lynnebucher6537]

He's correct about how we tend to expect our partner to intuit what we're feeling, when in fact we need to directly communicate feelings, needs and wants.

[@aussieopalgirl2915]

A narcissistic husband is not interested

[@ladyhawke7034]

Correct! And when we do...communicate..according to your definition, it's called nagging, being bossy, and wearing the pants in the family.

[@jeanneratterman4174]

Absolutely. Talk…and listen…to each other for many hours about things big and small. Say what you want. And continue to do so. Likewise, hear your partner. Ask questions, observe. Communicate. What a concept!

[@Magani79]

@@ladyhawke7034 it depends how you do it

[@ladyhawke7034]

@@Magani79 Maybe, but with more than 25 years of marriage behind me, I find the best way to keep a marriage together is to shut up.😉

[@rebmichelle]

"We are not merely on a quest to be happy. We are on a quest to suffer in ways that feel familiar."

[@Jackgritty28]

If rather be happy than suffer💥

[@carontorliak2760]

@@Jackgritty28 frankly you dont understand what the quote means

[@Jackgritty28]

@@carontorliak2760 quote-unquote frankly doesn't wanna be in the dictionary, fool🔥🌈🎯

[@solsouth]

@@Jackgritty28 Exactly my thoughts too Jack.

[@solsouth]

@@carontorliak2760 Frankly you are a woman and part of the problem.

[@Kurisutina_04]

You can't marry the wrong person if you never marry. *Modern problems require modern solutions*

[@papasscooperiaworker3649]

You can't marry the wrong person if you never marry because you're aromantic! ^-^

[@greatestaxolotl4933]

yes 👏 queen 👏 👏👏👏👏👏👏

[@yellowmalice3036]

Qwerty Pewp Best comment on here. 😊😊

[@nataa_hopkins]

😂😂

[@lsjaowhwbkwhwksha5926]

yehh

[@user-zw2qw3bj2o]

I've been married for almost 10 years. I love every moment of it. I'm pretty sure I married the right person because I chose someone who is the direct opposite of my father. I made a conscious effort when I was dating to date someone who isn't anything like him.

[@tanvirsingh6625]

"Love is a skill and it need to be learnt"....... Amazing....

[@BrunoBerryhoneybuns1370]

Love.lust and having empathy and that is just the minimum to be able to even show love

[@g.j]

Tanvir Singh yeah. A whole bunch of work.

[@BrunoBerryhoneybuns1370]

@@g.j By who? Let's be honest. It seems that it falls on men to provide everything. Yet women today...are told that it's not them to blame. All the laws and courts geared for deterring bad behavior in men while the incentive for relationships and family leave not even a guarantee that he has authority over much of the decisions. The govt is too big. The work you speak of is attaining these truths for yourself. I might be wrong completely OR I might be right mostly. The biggest reason men dont marry nowadays is the law is a bad deal for men.

[@leahmpalzer]

Learned

[@umustafa7505]

FeeMales cannot love for 2 reasons, firstly feeMales do not respect/love themselves so they cannot respect/love others (feminism is just the overt raw jealousy of men). Secondly, a feeMale's "love" is condional on men's attributes (status, height, physique) and or provision (money, power, protection, utility), which is fake superficial love.

[@theresabromar5415]

I've heard that a person will tend to marry someone who has the same qualities as the parent who didn't love them when they were a child. It's a subconscious drive to change that child- parent dynamic in order to get the love they never received from that parent in the first place. It was true for me. I knew my mother didn't really love me, and so I chose a man who had many of her qualities and married him to make him change into someone who would finally love me. He never did. We divorced.

[@ThomasC1879]

Your mom was a narcissist I assume. They’re incapable of love.

[@ningdong8399]

Same here

[@emmm_5787]

Oh same, it's like trying to rewrite a painful story. There's no reward and it's soul destroying. Rather, investigate your childhood traumas + attachment style so you won't fall into the same trap again... there is much peace in that

[@seandelaney1700]

Yes, I've been that partner who was supposed to give them what they were missing. In the end I recognized I could not change fast enough to please.

[@neyrincon6231]

Exactly same experience but it was my dad who left so I was able to finally live that dad-daughter relationship with him until I got what I wanted and could move forward as an adult.

[@reposetion]

I feel like someone kicked me in the balls and said “that wasn’t so bad” then ran away

[@mrs_morrow318]

😂

[@jared8515]

and then something

[@tonileivar]

Ooof

[@sakurashounen]

Right?

[@kristinehatkinson7323]

That;s the conundrum, Kevin. Need it, vs. in most cases it hurts.

[@raj.shubhu]

Love is not just admiration for strength it is also tolerance for weakness and recognition of ambivalence.

[@anna-uo2ug]

"maturity is the ability to see that there is no heroes or sinners" -alain de botton The quote of today

[@Selflovematters4life]

I was "hooked on hope" for three years. Thankfully once I was able to finally release what I hoped for and accepted what was, I had the courage to walk away from a person who truly did not have my best interest in mind.

[@xrayban2]

Maybe you should have explained that to him/her before ?

[@ela3211]

I envy you

[@muskaan_aryan]

So proud of you lady, so so happy to hear that!!

[@Malcomx281]

Maybe you shouldn’t have forced him to marry you.

[@travelpro23]

@@Malcomx281 chill man. Don’t be a troll. I know you’re probably upset because you’re single and no one is interested in you, but you don’t have to take it out in strangers on the internet. Take care ✌️

[@toastybatch565]

Many people don’t understand the value of good enough in so many things in life.

[@magicmoonart]

My mum hasn't hesitated to tell me every flaw of mine so dont worry I know all of my difficulties to live with

[@pastelove]

fr 😭

[@ThatReadingGuy28]

That must be soul crushing, I'm so sorry to hear that. 😢

[@magicmoonart]

@@ThatReadingGuy28 if you guys want to see how she talks to and treats me I have started a play list of all the videos and voice recordings of the way she yells and screams if I don't do as she wants and acts like the perfect carer. She's got limited mobility and I'm her carer and it's a nightmare. Feel like I've been coerced Into this and have spent my youth on this and not managed to have a life of my own

[@gwho]

This guy and school of life are the parents I never had.

[@Patricia-xp6bf]

Agreed

[@Heavenleighhhh]

Him: Most of you are addicts, you distract yourself so you don’t have to cope with yourself. Me: Watching this video to silence my inner critic because I’m procrastinating the work I should be doing.

[@yzma6142]

This was too accurate to my life lmfao

[@nickhubbard78]

I feel more normal every time I see one of these comments. Thank you for sharing. Noticing we're distracted is the first step.

[@KennethSee]

Yeah, that really hit home.

[@bojanban5552]

I am working and watching this video is a part of my study :D

[@paulgibbons2320]

Your so right.

[@kristinebakke2442]

Norwegian husband loved his wife so much he almost told her.

[@rowyourboat366]

:)

[@rediatermias5442]

😂😂😂😂😂

[@lynnhughes292]

What was his name? Vi King?

[@kristinebakke2442]

@@lynnhughes292 😂

[@lynnhughes292]

Or, was he Viing to be King?

[@Flosseveryday]

The concept of rejecting an otherwise good enough human being because we recognize that our suffering with that person would be a new type of suffering and therefore unfamiliar to us is astonishing to me. I never thought of that before but it makes sense.

[@aluxbalum]

Great presentation basically my grandmother provided the same wisdom in the following words "There is always some one for everyone, and that some one will not be perfect but will be good enough"

[@tanishac7795]

Well said....wisdom

[@graceking9986]

Those are wise words

[@iolet.9695]

Shame ppl don't get that vibe to day x

[@pyruvicac.id_]

yea not gonna settle for "good enough" tho

[@lizlalove6171]

MB, everyone's grandmother or parent should come with a chip that contains that instruction. Every generation needs to know that.

[@worldsgreatestvideostv1657]

"If you ever feel useless just think of the papers he's holding"

[@romanbanfield9066]

9:30

[@amyfox4829]

underrated comment 😂😂

[@MEOW-ys8jk]

ur slow it's a small script or bullet list so he's on topic

[@complexjanedoe]

Lmao regardless I got a good laugh

[@gameplaydrive]

Did you just compare me with papers? Guess I am useless

[@nayatheo6115]

“And now that you don't have to be perfect, you can be good.” -John Steinbeck

[@lulassong6524]

Like that.

[@noneofurbusiness5223]

From a person who was married 4 times!

[@SS_DT]

The part about a "catastrophic amount of sulking" was so damn good. Learning how to communicate and teach my partner what I need has been a long journey, but it has made our relationship so much healthier.

[@KatnissSnow321]

"Love is not just admiration for strength, it is also tolerance for weakness and recognition for ambivalence."

[@livingwellbalancednyc8223]

this quote hits . i love it

[@viewofthedragonfly3969]

eh

[@furfener1]

18:50 "Compatibility is an achievement of love." Best phrase in this talk. Also, 19:58 "It is open to us at any time to have a more mature response to the challenges that the types of people we're attracted to are going to pose for us." Sing it, brother.

[@realSimoneCherie]

To love is to... “Interpret another’s surface behavior” = assess, don’t react “Presume good intent” = accept, show grace

[@aishwaryavijaykumar4562]

“Love is not just admiration of strength, it is also tolerance for weakness and recognition of ambivalence” “To be in company with another person is to be negotiating imperfection everyday” “We are all incompatible. But it is the work of love to make us graciously accommodate each other and ourselves to each others incompatibilities. And therefore, compatibility is an achievement of love.”

[@Lark19872010]

I will be watching this every day until I fully digest every single word. So much of this, I've felt intuitively, but I couldn't articulate. It answers questions about my dating patterns and forces me to introspective. THIS IS AWESOME.

[@Khmeriscool]

True, the speech is worth to be learned by heart.

[@elyisus8145]

Good luck :)

[@omp199]

This is how cults start!

[@jamessgian7691]

“I have known many happy marriages, but never a compatible one. The whole aim of marriage is to fight through and survive the instant when incompatibility becomes unquestionable.” GK Chesterton

[@imapersonnotanumber8940]

vive la difference, male and female, celebrate the difference before were not anymore

[@mothballs]

It also been said 'pick you battles wisely!'

[@jeffforsythe9514]

My parents had been married for over 20 years when my father did something quite unforgiveable but my mother kept her vow. When she was in her 90's I called her and asked her how she was. She replied that she couldn't be happier. Her reward for keeping her oath?

[@jeffforsythe9514]

Everything has to do with karmic retribution.

[@eliri412]

Marriage is just a permanent institution based on a temporary element: love. Therefore, you will never be able to make it work if you base your marriage on eternal love (which is stupid, cause no feeling or emotion last for that long). If you want to make it work, you need to be committed to learn and teach and find a partner who is also willing to learn AND teach... that's almost impossible in the current society.

[@50ulEat3r]

aru akise agreed. Most people seem to forget that and skip right into a romantic relationship which is just dressed up fancy and often doesnt show our true selves, which is why so many couples have problems later on like "this isnt who i fell in love with" etc. Most couples dont see eachother as other ppl but rather a sexual/romantic vent. Infatuation.

[@aparna948]

I am sorry but love and friendship cannot last together

[@tikayscake2416]

Aparna Awasthi Eh I believe they can coexist pretty well. If you’re in a relationship with someone you love them and care for them in many ways, you can’t just only feel one type of attraction in a long term. Love and friendship with your partner go hand in hand... it just makes things last.

[@luckyrabbit5952]

It's even more difficult when your partner is a habitually argumentative contrarian that never agrees with you on anything and somehow everything that goes wrong is your fault.

[@jodyjohnsen]

There is no love strong enough to last a lifetime. That was never the goal. The clever ones among us find the one that we can fall in love with over and over again.

[@CJ-dd3xr]

To be in company with another person is to be negotiating perfection everyday. Love this reality check.