Is Your Partner “The One?” Wrong Question | George Blair-West | TED

Marrying for love is a relatively recent phenomenon for humanity, and we still don't fully understand what it means for building successful relationships, says author and psychiatrist George Blair-West. Drawing from his extensive experience working with couples, he shares four questions every couple should ask themselves before tying the knot - and highlights surprising findings on how the way marriage starts impacts if it ends.
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[@fitandfrequent]

I believe the message here is more nuanced than how it was presented. First, you have to give him props for being pro-marriage but at the same time cautioning people to not just marry the person they are in love with. His main point here is that falling into a legal commitment with somebody that makes you “feel good” seems to not work out in the long run. That is because a long term relationship requires personal sacrifice of the self for the betterment of the other person, and this won’t be easy to do when the “feeling” is no longer there. Rather, we should take a more practical approach to what may be the most consequential decisions of our life. This sort of practically already exists in arranged marriages which is why we see a higher rate of relationship satisfaction with those couples. It is rather hard for us to make practical decisions about our own lives, which is why it may help to have a community and family involved in this decision. Now, the other part not discussed here is that more people today are isolated, living away from family, or are lacking any close personal friendships. To add to that, there is social media which gives us a false sense of reality, and makes us compare our lives to others. Making a practical decision is not as pretty as the lifestyles or relationships that you may be seeing on social media. So we’re caught in a hard place. If making a practical decision on our love life is the correct path, and there’s evidence to showcase that it will provide a much more successful relationship in the long term, then how do we know we are being practical when everything around us is showing us to live based off a “feeling”? Aside from that, it almost seems that if you are going to be the one in your group of friends to be more practical about your love life, then you’ll probably feel like you’re the one losing out on that fun and exciting “feeling” that all your friends are getting to experience. Imagine you’re the only one in your circle of friends saving money, which will compound interest over time and make you rich in the long run, but meanwhile all your friends are living it up and spending their money on great adventures…You’re going to feel like you’re the one missing out on life in that moment, right? It’s not easy to be committed to the long term success, especially when it’s not even guaranteed. You’re just supposing it will work out based off the stats. Life is really a risk, and no matter what route you take, you won’t know until after it’s happened if you took the right path. Now go find that TRUE LOVE of yours. Cheers!

[@mariabarnes9197]

Well said

[@Rithmy]

Fear of missing out is strong here. THis fear should not determine your way. At the same time i think that long terrm and short term succes are not mutually exclusive to each other. Its not just the decision between one of them. You can have both. I challenge the believe that saving money for being rich later in life is a usefull goal. I challenge the believe that "living it up and spending money on great adventures" is a usefull goal. I chalennge the sense that being rich is a worthwile goal. I challenge that great adventures are soooo great. By challenging all those oh so stereotypical goals i find i a way for me that is both long term and short term succes. If my long term goal is being rich, then i will only follow it if i can convince my feelings, my whole being that saving money is a short term success too. ANd with relationships even a different thing. There are many alternatives to traditional dating. THere are so many people. So many types of relationships. What is it that i really need in the long term? I dont need a label. What i want and need is a close connection. ANd i dont care if its my lover, my wife, a friend or whatever. is inbetween those labels. Being emotional about that is the right choice for me. Sure, if i go by labels then being practical is better. I discuss it with my partner(s) and choose the most practical label to present ourselfs. THe label is variable and can change to be the most practical. It can because we are emotional in touch.

[@dudeamongus]

The short version is, there is risk in everything but if you're both committed, it will likely work out.

[@jossuewilliams8706]

ah, what a great comment. It's refreshing for me to read this not only because I partially agree with it, but more so because it is a good reminder of what we call the "human condition", which we all find challenging to navigate regardless of who we are (and that we so often forget). Unfortunately, TED talks tend to be on the shorter side so I can see how he needed to isolate his presentation to his research but I would love to see him talk sometime about his research in the context of the modern world you pictured. I wasn't familiar with his work until today but it's definitely peaked my interest!

[@dudeamongus]

Your analogy of saving money and compounding your wealth while others enjoy the 'now' is a terrific one and to endure that FOMO of missing out on the now, I find Jordan Peterson's advice indispensable, that being that achieving a goal is not nearly as satisfying or as healthy as being pointing in the correct direction and working towards one. Everything needs to be tempered with patience. Without patience you only have impulse, and impulse is where most failed relationships are rooted.

[@thienngatran1017]

instead of asking are you the one? ask 1) do i accept my partner despite their shortcomings 2) do i commit to nurture them to achieve what is important to them? 3) do they accept me? 4) do they commit to me? all you need is 4 yeses

[@musasunusiahmad]

Insightful

[@kreidas]

Excellent. If only the younger generations of women actually know all this instead of their racism, arrogance, greed and hatred disguised as "preferences".

[@memejesus4294]

Unfortunately the last two are very hard to answer

[@xyxy5978]

It's about having the right priorities. Love is meaningless without being connected to respect and honour for yourself and your partner.

[@farhadnikkhoo8764]

This is the right answer. We hear it all the time that "love is all you need" and take it at face value. While that is a well meaning sentence, it's not enough. Love is a byproduct of 3 major pillars in a relationship. They are Appreciation, Respect, and Trust. If any of those pillars are missing, contempt and resentment sets in.

[@lucypark617]

Truly insightful. Thank you very much!

[@Be.Sm_art]

It's a really interesting topic. Thanks! 😊

[@Naervy]

True love is my favorite word to hear in this discussion, because it makes me understand how important it is to choose "Someone" who is truly sincere in loving me for who I am.

[@bogdan78pop]

Never married , 27 years together since high school , and i cannot imagine my life without her....I hope she feels the same way...!!

[@TheRealBatCave]

At 27 years u don't kno if she enjoys u around???

[@Directory1]

Stockholm syndrome. 😮

[@rayvinjamuri8031]

😂😂😂😂😂

[@nickhansen7301]

Does the marriage last is not the only possible measure of success. Cultures where arranged marriages are the norm, are also cultures where divorce is mush less acceptable and much more stigmatizing, and where the woman have fewer or no options after a break up.

[@septimiusseverus1589]

Good catch! I would hope that future studies examine the effect of this aspect, if there aren't any that have done so already. However, I would start by believing negligible effect unless I saw indications of the opposite. Afterall, the satisfaction criteria at 10:06 showcased measures of success such as love, loyalty, & shared values.

[@mahsaorae2395]

I agree with you

[@shanghai_CityVIVO]

Excellent talk. One of the best Ted talks about relationship and love in a while. 👍👍👍🇨🇳🇨🇳🇨🇳

[@bozhidarmihaylov]

The Most Unromantic but Actual definition of Love 😊

[@sionkim7316]

Wow. Thank you

[@Janos0206]

I don't know, I think for Trinity this question was pretty relevant.

[@kaylorado]

What a great Ted talk about true love ❤

[@420WayneKerr]

Notice the top "satisfaction" measure in arranged marriages is loyalty. Loyalty is a rather nuanced term that can be interpreted in a dozen ways. Loyalty to a partner who cheats on you? To one who beats you? To one who controls all the money, forcing your loyalty? While I agree that these data points paint a picture, it certainly does not answer the WHY for the reason behind people staying in arranged marriages, especially since this is a worldwide picture. Women in many countries who largely conduct arranged marriages are programmed not to say anything remotely negative about their marriages, for fear of social isolation, banishment, or worse. This is why self-reported survey responses - in all research, not just this kind - are viewed by scientists as the least reliable form of information for drawing scientific conclusions. I'm not saying there is no validity to the differences between love marriages vs. arranged marriages. I'm just saying that the data presented here leaves room for more investigation. It is certainly not the final word on this topic.

[@Rithmy]

Or its an open relationship then there is no cheating so it easier to be "loyal". Having less of a burden in terms of commitment could help some, even if it comes at the cost of having to deal with envy and needing the social skills to regulate that envy.

[@truhhhhhhhokIII3]

@@Rithmyok. So both are terrible options. Aka: this vid is not good

[@Rithmy]

@@truhhhhhhhokIII3 idk why you interpret it like this. not my sentiment.

[@GaylynLareese]

I agree completely

[@Eltoca21]

@12.21 "... in an arranged marriage all you have from the outset is a commitment". Hmm?! The people I have known in arranged marriages might say it is an obligation pressure and responsibility to their respective families and the task/pressure not to question and or humiliate and disappoint and disrespect that family/tradition, not to mention this is also done in many cases to safeguard wealth and social status. Relationships are a complex complicated and convoluted chemical reaction. Trying to reduce them to an studied logical explanations is always interesting/amusing.

[@Laurelin70]

But relationships are NOT a chemical reaction! That's the bottom line of all this talk. In human experience, relationships are a complex tangle of chemical/physiological reactions with social expectations (of both partners too) and ethical valours and upbringing and education and Life experience and culture. And since it Is so, the so called "love" is something different for each person, so maybe you should wait a moment and think about it, evaluating your feelings with a bit more reason, stating your expectations clearly with yourself first and your partner afterward, knowing your partner a bit more, in different settings, situations, social environments, during your and their difficult times... Because feelings (the chemical reaction) are not permanent, so your massive decisions shouldn't be based on them.

[@PriyaSanda-pb3tr]

Anyway I heard it for learning the English language and gaining knowledge cuz I like to talk and understand the English language

[@rashidabaakza8554]

Love and arrange marriage are two different things. Love is unsecured and unconventional. Arranged Marriage is commitment of verbal or nonverbal agreement by the society and for the society in most cases. Most of all desire love marriages from 15 to early 30’s, then finally end up in arranged ones. And in some categories of relationships, people just looking for partners but either social reforms or some other factors restrict them.

[@denisZsuave]

why is the word "committed" bleeped 01:38?

[@hunnybunny1024]

I wonder if the satisfaction rates for arranged marriages are higher, is just a result of the relationships dynamics and feeling being stable over time, because there is less/no honeymoon phase to the relationships, and that the satisfaction rates for love marriages drop because they become relatively less emotional with time (as expected because they are now comparing honey moon phases with the monotony of daily life). Because all the metrics are comparative it is impossible to determine which marriages are ever more satisfying or what people are using to determine their own metrics.

[@ericgardner5548]

I've said for years, it is a recent thing in humanity that people marry for love.

[@alias7343]

Not anymore.

[@freeguy3751]

The camera view from behind the speaker is embarrassing lol they should not show that it looks like there's no one in the crowd🤣

[@K4R3N]

Yeah me and my ex were a love marriage that lasted 19 years and 3 kids. We fell out of love. Still get along and cooperate. But once love goes, there's nothing left for the marriage. Something to be said for arranged marriages.

[@narap2687]

What you mean by love?

[@jamescraig3345]

But what about all those marriages that begin with both finding "the one" and have the incentive to solve issues as they come about, making for a lifetime of being in love, being very close, retaining romance, almost attached after for example our 56 years. Study only those and talk about the flip side.

[@toivovirtanen4700]

Ester Perel made some interesting talks about that, and her book Mating in Captivity is great.

[@Orange.PoolDream]

I've seen a pattern where weekends are couples. They spend weekdays at their respective parents' homes and weekends together as husband and wife. There's a lot of diversity.

[@takielddine9901]

❤❤

[@augustinf]

Also… you don’t always have the time. It s not the same to start a relationship when you are 20, 30 or 40. The older you get, the more expérience you have, and the less time you have. When you feel like you found the one you’re not going to wait 4 years when you’re 40.. mostly for a woman that wants kids

[@meccamadina7371]

BUT...............Divorce laws, Alimony, Child support, Feminist laws..............how will the poor lawyers and judges make their living unless they make men miserable.

[@RandomComments238]

Anyone else feel like 6:50 was a laughing track?

[@tiahna7800]

I wonder what "love" means to people.... Because i see alot of people say love is meaningless unless blah blah blah.

[@mariaantoniettamontella9173]

applausi

[@akhtarmuhammad7347]

❤❤❤

[@iancormie9916]

The missmatch usually starts when someone (male or female) is conned by a narcissist or psycopath. In this regard, parents are likely to avoid this situation or, at the very least, to be no more likely to make the mistakes than the younger generation.

[@potapotapotapotapotapota]

marriage will never work when at least one of you is incapable of love

[@nicthecre8r]

That depends on the definition of love you live by

[@potapotapotapotapotapota]

@@nicthecre8r Love by my definition is something that you cannot earn, it is freely given out of the kindness of your heart not expecting anything in return for it. If your idea of love is transactional then you will never succeed in a relationship. Maybe a partnership, but don't expect to know and trust your partner at a deep emotional level.

[@mariabaker2894]

I am forwarding this to my grandsons whose marriages I intend to arrange! Know Indian couple whose marriage was arranged. Works like a clock. Chinese friend told me that the couple and couple’s parents must agree on future husband/wife. They REALLY should! 👍🥰

[@wolfferoni]

I think it's important that a person has close friends and family to get feedback on their partner and the relationship but I don't necessarily think a person's parents need to agree on their future spouse. Parents don't always have their children's best interests at heart or necessarily even know them that well. A lot of Asian parents look at status and earning potential over everything and I understand why but that's not a good predictor of a happy life or marriage. Many older people don't know what a healthy relationship even is. We aren't that far from the time where women were simply expected to raise kids and make their husbands happy.

[@blairpittams9380]

I wish i could have listened but my mind kept wondering. I only want to make my comments after i hear,

[@jettesides420]

Domestic Comment

[@ainulhoquefahad5213]

first comment

[@tahaadnan5737]

Second comment

[@tahaadnan5737]

Second comment

[@Padam91]

Wow well I hope you feel seen

[@truhhhhhhhokIII3]

This was so close, but its not it.

[@CMDR_MAJIC]

Best comment

[@CMDR_MAJIC]

Worst comment

[@lucca2c]

you got that right

[@barbiesergio7663]

Arranged marriages don't date. 🤔. Perhaps this buys them a few more years.

[@emperorremus8409]

People STILL go to "TED" groups? LMAO! 🤣 Don't tell me people also STILL pay money for these! 🤣

[@user-ew8xj5pg7y]

God loves you and takes care of you so that this message reaches you. God is the one who created this great universe and has complete control over it. And the greatest loss that a person loses in this life is that he lives while he does not know God who created him, knowing the Messenger of Muhammad, the last of the messengers, and the Islamic religion, the last of the heavenly religions. The great intelligence, before you believe in something or not, is to read it, study it, and understand it well, and then you have the choice to believe in it or not. I advise you on this now before you do not have time to do that.

[@kkaalaas]

he lost me at .......no gender........its this insanity that is tearing apart society at the moment.

[@LieveLeysen-Discover-]

❣️