These SHOCKING Behaviors Make Avoidants SABOTAGE Their Love Life

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

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[@donnaseymour22]

The DA should not expect to go away for days without contact. It is so hard to sit in the uncertainty. My DA walked away without any comments. That’s not healthy. I am done with DAs. It is too hard on your mental health.

[@sshuteandrew]

Yes, choose health and happiness. Stay away from DA’s. I’m done with my ex-DA and I cannot tell you how much I appreciate my current, healthier partner.

[@fluffythebluepersian4888]

Yes I'm on day 7 of being totally ignored, not even reading my texts. 7 month cycle dealing with this. It's like progress is never made, regardless of how many months or years

[@sosnow6194]

I am ap and I’m ok when my da does it. I stay calm, ask, not judge, reassure that it’s ok to take time, and I get reassurance that we are ok and that he is coming back! It is bad for DAs mental health to feel pressured and overwhelmed. Remember it goes both way, that it can be painful bith way, that compassion is needed BOTH WAYS !!!

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Completely valid. Uncertainty like that can be so draining. Prioritizing your mental health is important.

[@josephsmith5378]

It does feel immature or selfish for them to overlook the reassurance needs of someone else. But they're just busy trying to protect themselves. (Even at another persons expense!) Sometimes we do see how the things we hold on to can harm us, and those that love us

[@whermany]

We need an episode on what avoidant abuse is, how it happens, etc.

[@anoncspan4129]

Ahh, yes! I recently ordered the book by that title by Dr. Kahn. Can't wait to get and read it! I'd love to get their take on the whole concept.

[@sosnow6194]

It happens when an ap or someone with poor boundaries let’s it happen 🤷🏻‍♀️ not saying it’s not painful, saying it takes 2

[@davidbulchak9415]

Hi! I'm a PDS member(FA). These podcasts are always incredible. You two are helping so many people understand each other. Thank you both for doing these. Thank you, too Mike, for sharing so much. I see how you respond to questions and stories and things, and it makes me find my DA girl to be even more adorable and like, I feel like I understand her better from it and this podcast. Thank you Thais and everybody for making these. I absolutely love them!

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

So glad to hear that! Understanding each other better is such a big step toward healing. 💛

[@eileendom5858]

Wow great question! “ Let’s not do this anymore “ is what I was told over and over again. Mike admitted it was an emotional statement made in the moment, but not fully meant it. The problem in my relationship was he said it too much and I finally felt he meant and I didn’t beg or please. I simply left and moved out without notice. Let a note to say, he can finally have peace now. It was constant torture for me when he would end it and tell me to find a place to live, then change his mind. I felt I was going to lose my mind . This was a huge clarity moment for me. I felt like he just always hated me and I wasn’t the woman he truly wanted and there was someone better.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

That sounds like such a painful cycle. It’s understandable that you reached your breaking point. Glad you found clarity. 💛

[@jessamieyule7172]

Also I was SO glad to hear about the friends example. When I was working full time, and in general when I’m overwhelmed I can become avoidant with friends and feel the weight of not replying to them. I don’t share the stress, and instead buckle down to get back to baseline but friends don’t quite understand. It’s actually amazing how avoidance extends through your other relationships - I have this dynamic with my workplaces. If I don’t feel freedom I end up needing to quit.

[@amyfigueroa1911]

Another awesome episode. There is so much healing value in exposing the innocence behind hurtful common anxious avoidant dynamics. 💛💛

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Love that perspective! Recognizing the innocence behind the patterns can really help with healing. 💛

[@tinamcbey3569]

I'm liking this interview a lot. Hearing your guest's thoughts has been super insightful in trying to understand what my ex may have been going through and I'm only 15 minutes in. Love this!

[@LastEarBender]

Something I struggle with is that when we have a significant amount of time apart and don't have somewhat frequent conversations, that are in any way meaningful - I tend to feel disconnected - like we're just not really a thing.

[@josephsmith5378]

I definitely need a better understanding of co-regulating with an avoidant

[@PiscesRising1023]

This was fantastic to hear from the “other side”. Helped me so much. Thank you.

[@sosnow6194]

Yes !!!!! I love it too ! I think it’s healing for me !!! Seing that they have a little teadybear heart inside those walls, coldness, strict boundaries. I love it !!!

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

So happy to hear that! Understanding the other side can make such a difference. 💛

[@jessamieyule7172]

Super helpful together with the Fearful Avoidant workbook. I’m a FA-secure working on it and travelling with my partner right now I.e zero personal space. The first week of travel together was so intense for me that I fell straight into strong protest behaviours and needed to give him a crash course in avoidance (which included sending him your content). Because we don’t live together in life, I’d been getting all the space I need - finally in secure behaviour - and forgot that this might come up … I think for me it is important to remember that avoidance is related to trauma and that intense situations can still cause regression. Thank you for this one - super helpful to hear it in dialogue!

[@marciafab7]

The DA person isn't a bad person. The DA has a challenging program that makes it uber challenging to connect in a healthy way. Once one notices you're dating a DA - leave them in peace. Let's allow them timr to reflect and seek help for themselves when they're ready.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

So true! DAs aren’t bad people, but they have deep protective patterns that can make relationships difficult.

[@RitaP41]

Great, very informative episode!

[@Petercakes]

My DA always bounced and then came back. I had to drop him recently. This behavior is really selfish and unhealthy. He said some mean things to me and I blew up. I'm the evil horrible one. No apologies for what they said. I waited days to contact them. A week. I waited every two days. I gave it a month. Thats enough time.

[@BillTed-c7g]

Can you cover why a DA would feel safe enough to open up to you about their traumas from childhood and become very emotional with a person but ghost for very long periods. And come back around

[@ajmosutra7667]

Because they emotionally dump because theyre dysregulated

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

That’s a great question! Avoidants can feel safe in deep moments but still struggle with closeness long-term.

[@BillTed-c7g]

@ thank you it makes so much sense.

[@ginbusch3877]

@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool I have a DA friend who sometimes opens up very deeply and then don’t hear from them for a while. Is it like they get out of their comfort zone and then get scared because of the vulnerability? Maybe I should be heartened that they do open up deeply at times? They seem to always circle back and slowly warm up again. Thank you for your content. I’m learning so much.

[@danjsilve]

Just finished with DM for good. I don’t give 2nd chances. I have never met anyone who would cancel on me as many times as this young lady.

[@davepenn9181]

Good for you, for sticking to your boundaries. DAs are way more work than they're worth, unless they're doing really serious work on themselves. I was pretty devastated when my DA now-ex left, but it only took a few weeks to realize that I was way better off without her.

[@sshuteandrew]

You are much better off anyway, it only would’ve ended with further trauma and heartbreak.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Boundaries are so important. It’s tough when someone isn’t showing up consistently.

[@MarieDropkin]

Protest behavior: withdrawing when overwhelmed. Out of the blue. Very confusing!

[@BetyGalán]

Oh! Tais is a common name in Spain❤

[@PaigeYesLee]

Thank You Thais 😊

[@ajmosutra7667]

Great content. Thqnk6

[@carmenmorse7749]

I have a question, so I have been in a relationship with a DA. In the past he does require long periods of space as he gets overwhelmed with work and his kids. So recently he blocked me and there was zero conflict between us, the last convo was us joking about my hair. So it’s been about a month and normally between now I would’ve heard from him. He has a very stressful job that was a big change for him that started in November. How should I proceed. Should I wait for him to contact me or do I write and email or letter to let him know I’m not mad at him but just want to understand?

[@DragonballSteve83]

What is the typical age when a avoidant will GTFU? 🙄 these insiders scoops are still controlling behaviors. You don’t always get to be the one decide the timing or temperament of everything in life.

[@stickyslugs]

Why don't you just be with someone else or be single 🤔?

[@DragonballSteve83]

@ I am because it’s mental gymnastics. The way she talks to this guys is the way I talk to my 11 year old boy. (Preteen developmental phase)

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Growth happens at different times for everyone. Avoidants can shift, but it usually takes internal motivation.

[@josephsmith5378]

As a former da in my teens and early 20s. Growth CAN vome fast if you're motivated to achieve it. Knowing that i was angry about overtalking surface things made me want to dig deeper. But i grew when i understood myself better.​@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool

[@michellesecrett1]

@DragonballSteve83you do know that we ALL should be repainting each other in relationships, right? That we’re all seeing out partners a parent subconsciously? How nice to have a loving parent respond to our parts and our needs in such a loving way

[@Petercakes]

DA relationship: "Born to Die" by Lana del Ray

[@LuigiPrimerano]

I think the title of this episode is misleading, and can potentially turn an actual DA from wanting to watch it. I'd like to have someone watch it, but believe they'd feel as if they're being attacked.

[@t.6071]

They are grown adults, not children.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

That’s a thoughtful perspective! Messaging can definitely impact whether someone is open to learning more.

[@LuigiPrimerano]

@@t.6071 insightful comment... 🤦🏼‍♂️

[@ConnieMichelle]

my ex boyfriend and i broke up two weeks ago because he ghosted me again with no explanation (first time we got in a fight and then he ghosted we were living together and he moved out all his stuff while i was out of town). i have no idea why he ghosted me this second time aside from potentially being tired from work. he couldn’t message me back for days and stood me up when we had plans, but somehow still had energy and time to hangout with friends and post it on his instagram? really hurtful considering i was his biggest supporter and cheerleader

[@nannyboo9832]

This is the worst feeling. Sometimes they even treat random strangers or surface level friends 1000x better. Ghosting is abuse, and DAs love doing that.

[@Saababy]

@@nannyboo9832they treat everyone else better than you while expecting way more from you. Gut wrenching 💔