10 Key Signs Someone Has An Avoidant Attachment Style

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Have you noticed any of these signs in your past or current relationships? What was your experience like? ❤

[@tharangigeek991]

I was dating this guy who approached me at work. He was so happy to see me everytime. He used to come all the way up just to see me. But he was always on and off.whenever we get closer ,he used to pull away for atleast 2,3 days. He has had a relationship of 8 years earlier and they had to stop it due to family issues. He told me how he was left alone,just working and working ,he didn't even have anyone to talk.he told me I'm the first girl he approached after 1 and half years of the end of his 8 years relationship .recently I came to my country for vacation.he told me he will see me before I leave.he told me he will come and see me after his friend's birthday party.but he never did. I was calling him and sending him voice clips till the moment I got on board. He was listening to my voice clips right away but wasn't responding to answering. Now it's been almost 3 weeks. He is not talking to me. He sees my whatsapp stories right away. He listens to my voice clip I sent asking whether he is doing well. I didn't even know these kind of conditions exist. I'm surprised how this came into my life.

[@Luis913Barroeta]

It's SO MIND BLOWING how avoidant attachment styles use flaw finding to disconnect. Like they WANT to ruin/self sabotage subconsciously to stay safe when if they just put in the work they could facilitate successful happy relationships

[@LeeChrissy]

When I was unhealed in my attachment style and leaned more avoidant, I found myself only accepting dates from men who were also flawed and had unhealthy qualities whether they realized it or not. I think subconsciously it made it for an easier out. Now that I lean more secure, I find those unhealed qualities unattractive. I don't judge it because I wouldn't want anyone judging me for the past traumas that made me who I am today, however, I still recognize it enough to know when someone's not a healthy choice. I think that's the goal people should be aiming for. Be healthy and secure enough to recognize these traits before getting too attached and making the solid choice to end it early on. So many people stay in these dynamics for far too long out of love and attachment rather than compatibility, mutual future goals and learning each other's communication style.

[@r_and_a]

tbf, the same can be said for most insecure attachment styles being able to "facilitate successful happy relationships" "if they just put in the work"

[@johndoe8923_is_obsessedwithme]

Everyone has a different perception of what a healthy relationship looks like. Flaw finding is not only an avoidant trait and neither is self-sabotaging. I've seen all 3 insecure attachment styles do this. For instance, I have an anxious friend who thinks her way of healthy is the right way when it's actually the right way for HER. So she tries changing her partners into her ideal vision and when they don't agree or pull away because she's triggering them, to her it's all their fault and she picks a fight causing them to retreat. In other words, all she does is flaw find and self-sabotage. I'm not saying avoidants don't do this. I'm saying many people do from all attachments and don't realize it.

[@LesleySASMR]

I’ve done this so many times, and I always thought it was a weird habit I had.

[@carlosbautista8430]

Not to justify them, but dismissive avoidants definitely didn’t have healthy modeling for conflict communication and conflict resolution. And neither did the other insecure attachment styles for that matter. But for the DA especially it’s like this unknown unknown

[@tabarnakopoulos]

My ex really fits the avoidant mould. She left me 5 weeks ago, from a 6-month relationship where we basically had the time of our lives. She said she didn't have any feelings for me even though she tried. Also said she didn't really need anyone. And that she had unrealistic expectations in relationships and didn't want to make any compromise. It hurts, but 5 weeks later, I feel better. Even though she told me I could keep her updated on my new position at my job, and we could eventually go on hikes just as friends, I don't see the point in contacting her. All it is going to do to me is hurt all over again. I decided that if she wanted me enough, she knows how to reach me. Else over is over, and life goes on.

[@JSonofSam]

Hey man I think I’m dating someone just like this. In the beginning she told me she didn’t need me. The unhealed part of me at that time decide to stay. She told me the same thing, if we weren’t dating anymore she’d like to remain friends. Like why would I want to be friends with someone that knows their dismissive/fearful avoidant but doesn’t feel the need or want to change.

[@gregorystinette8271]

My dog doesn't exhibit any of these qualities. WOOF

[@erilynnparas1787]

And this is why I have 4🤣

[@roshalllambert]

Thais is a pro at describing DAs internal world! Also the point about not acknowledging their suffering in childhood is so apt!

[@juliel8124]

Hi Thais, could you make a video about avoidant attachement style and emotional immaturity?

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Thank you for the suggestion! I'll definitely consider making a video on that topic 😊

[@MarijaEnchantix]

I would also be interested in this. Becaues I think I was with an avoidant, who was also immature. I don't know where the line lies.

[@GeorgideMarne]

​ and on the APs immaturity, while we're at it... @@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool

[@bangibabs]

There are people I see this trait in and for the longest time I thought they were full of themselves but after listening to this I understand it’s a fear of vulnerability that make DA’s very closed off. When you understand someone’s attachment style you actually see them as humans and sometimes humans you may not be compatible with but respect them in the same breath.

[@karinteeples9715]

Yes. They have pain. Are they going to therapy or counseling being proactive in their mental and emotional health.. that’s the sign of hope. If any of us refuse to take accountability for how we treat people badly due to child hood trauma, we stay a victim with learned helplessness and feel justified in treating our partners horribly.. heal thyself

[@bangibabs]

I don’t know if they are getting healing or counselling, but I do not make it my business. Each grown person is responsible and accountable for themselves. I may care for a person but would not stress on if whether a person goes for therapy or not. If I start focusing on them from a place of frustration then not only will I become codependent on them but i will become bitter towards them. If people’s negative energy effects one so greatly with time indirectly they will have power to turn that person into a traumatised person with anger and insecurities. I think being interdependent in relationships is better. So honestly with time you learn to not take what another person does personally. Can only pray for them but it ends there especially if they are not changing and are triggering. I totally agree if you do not take accountability for your actions you never grow and end up pushing others away. However you cannot force awareness on anyone, some people are convinced they are not the problem so imagine trying to tell a person with that mindset to do better 😅.

[@garyforbes8711]

WOW ! Just got out of a situationship with someone that has all 10 signs, Numbers 2, 3, 4, 7, and 9 were the strongest.

[@sifublack192]

Very thorough breakdown. I sometimes wonder if it's always childhood experiences that shape this behavior or if it's a much more broad experience across childhood, adolescence, and adulthood.

[@nickskywalker2568]

This was such a comprehensive overview of the DA attachment style! Thank you so much for bringing a light to the DA mechanisms.

[@asafselevanay1330]

I been working in behavioral health for 12 years and had absolutely no idea how extreme and dangerous avoidant attachment really been until I dated fearful avoidant attachment. How she ended relationship with me in such confusing and hurtful way possible. She cheated on me and dropped like a rock after year and half relationship together. I simply asked her to wish you would've communicated with me if you not coming to see and she ended relationship with me in evil way. But now i understand it was childhood trauma response and still no excuse she is adult got 13 years old daughter can undergo therapy.

[@goddess.110]

Thank you so much for this information. I spent months wondering why my ex suddenly pulled away without a reason. Now i know about attachment styles and how my reaction made their avoidant triggers worse..

[@drekathigpen4869]

Escapism is biggg for me. I also love low effort relationships and have a limited emotional bandwidth. It takes me a while to process my thoughts, feelings and emotions after an interaction with a romantic partner. I often say how I wish we could go back to pagers and just calling to plan a date. But I know if I ever want a true partnership, I have to learn to compromise in these areas.

[@RyanMcDonnough]

❤️

[@iuliamaris]

Are you a Pisces?

[@dominikwolski9577]

many's the time I've been thinking perhaps my ex was not a DA at all and it was simply me trying to make her look like one so that I coulld draw any sense out of the painful break-up I'd experienced. now, I know I was right, and even though it does not change anything it is easier to let go. thank you again, Thais.

[@JacobCarlson-uq1my]

Ok so you're not practicing anymore, so I guess it's still nice that you are sharing via a screen .🙏🏻

[@MillerRelationshipGuide]

Great break down to make it easier to understand! Learning more about one's attachment style whether it's your own or your partner's, that is the first step to start building healthy relationships around yourself.

[@montserratpuebla4629]

Wow! You just described my ex-husband. Any time he sensed a disagreement (conflict would be a bigger word), he went ballistic: restless even agitated, I could sense the fear in him, he used to leave the room screaming and yelling. And then silence for days...kind of punishment. It was really a traumatizing experience.

[@wc6541]

I really enjoyed this, very closely described my recent ex that I encouraged to attend couples counseling with me as I started seeing the signs we needed it. However, it was too late and she chose to break up as I was becoming more in love. However, she ended the relationship. Likely because I exhibited an anxious attachment style at that point after years of being more casual (safe as you stated) in the relationship

[@gregvanpaassen]

Really great explanation. Thank you, Thais.

[@carolinarodriguezescobar8499]

I know quite a bit about attachment styles, I have gone thru all jn my relationships plus my own insecure attachment which can be anxious or avoidant depending on the person and circumstances, however, I have come a long way. Unfortunately, I still trigger others wounds, and recently all of the 10 signs werw shown to me. I'm glad I understand these patterns of bahauviour but it is very diaconcerting to deal with this people, they just block you because of their fear of intimacy. It is really heartbreaking. When the reality is that the healing takes place when there is an opening for feeling. I also think we projected our fears on to one another, the differemce is that I was comcious about it! Thank you for ghis is very clear and reassuring.

[@RyanMcDonnough]

You upload a lot of content about DA’s. Can you please create & upload more content about AP’s?

[@johndoe8923_is_obsessedwithme]

Yeah she is definitely moving pretty much towards DA's, their behaviors and how to help your relationship with them. I keep seeing these same comments and if that's the direction she's going to stay fine, but I feel like AP's need a lot of work on themselves and it would be helpful to add more videos. People ALWAYS respond by saying "She's done plenty, just look on her page." But her avoidant to anxious ratio doesn't even come close. I'm not even an AP and I notice lol.

[@RyanMcDonnough]

@@johndoe8923_is_obsessedwithme Agreed on all counts. AP’s and partners of AP’s need help, too!

[@johndoe8923_is_obsessedwithme]

@@RyanMcDonnough exactly! It's also the same content just being re-recorded. There are SO many ideas and angles she can take this like 'how to fix your relationship with your mom' or ' ap/da dynamics between friends' or 'how to get back into dating after healing your attachment style' lol. I mean, the sky is the limit here. It's so odd that it's primarily about one attachment style as of lately. I love DA's so it's nothing with them, I just feel bad that AP's don't get more support on here. Just by the comments alone, they clearly need it.

[@RyanMcDonnough]

@@johndoe8923_is_obsessedwithme DA here and I completely agree with you.

[@julesD0222]

@@johndoe8923_is_obsessedwithmeI agree with the OP, however, I disagree with your premise, in so far as, all the AP content on this channel focuses on how the AP can heal their attachment style, whereas, all the DA content focuses on how the other attachment styles can recognize/placate/cater to the needs of the DA. Her DA content rarely addresses how the DA can go about healing, or how the DA can show up better for an AP, Secure, FA.

[@brianb2571]

This is such a gift, thank you so much. My best friend is DA (i think) and i am FA - and i think i finally begin to understand why we clash so badly at times. I feel like i have to hide so much of myself just to keep the relationship easy for him to process, and really just "hold him by the edges". Then when i have built up enough pressure, i explode. We just had the biggest fight; I'm not sure our friendship will recover from it. I want to share this video with him but im afraid that will trigger even more DA behavior, by seeming like I know what he needs more than he does, or force-feeding him his own vulnerability when he already has an aversion to it. Do u have a video that will help me understand how to reach him, to encourage him to do this work with me as well? Thanks again! Im going to dive deep into all your content!

[@GeoffreyAngapa]

Though it may seem paradox, I conjecture (partly in jest, partly in truth) that the anxious is an avoidant in disguise; and the avoidant, an anxious in disguise. When the avoidant is faced with someone more avoidant, it stress-tests their nature in an uncommon way, and they grow anxious. Similarly, when the anxious is up against someone more anxious, they grow avoidant. This partly explains why the avoidant is often critical of the anxious; and the anxious, of the avoidant.

[@carlosbautista8430]

I once heard Briana MacWilliam say that anxiety and avoidance are just two faces of the same coin, and I personally agree. I also think that anxiety is a little bit like the monster under the bed. You kind of jump into worst case scenarios but you don’t bother assessing if they are true. In other words, you avoid it, right?

[@LeeChrissy]

That's probably one of the smartest assessments I've read in a while and there's actually truth to it. I have a couple of anxious girlfriends who are hard working independent ladies and have zero attraction to anxious leaning men. They will try because they temporarily feel validated which is different than their usual type, but they feel suffocated and one could say turn avoidant. On the flip side I have 3 DA friends. The two DA men both tried dating the DA woman at one point. None of them got past the talking stage. One of the men turned anxious with her and chased. She turned him down. The other man got tired of her and blocked her. It was the silliest thing I'd ever seen as we are in our mid 40's. Oddly enough, these were old exes of mine that I'm still friends with. Funny how the DA who turned anxious with her was more avoidant with me. Him and I actually flipped from anxious to avoidant with each other. It's so interesting and would love Thais to talk about it! I asked an anxious leaning woman on here once why she won't just date an AP instead of avoidants as she seems to have a lot of needs that she wasn't getting met. She said she can't date AP's because they're too much for her! Lol I said so now you can empathize with an avoidant!! 😂

[@GeoffreyAngapa]

​@@carlosbautista8430I agree. The same root cause but expressed differently. Regarding anxiety, yes, it leads to avoidance or action. In Stone Age times, the anxiety made one avoid the field where the lion was or run if you are faced with him. And as psychology has shown, anxiety is often ill founded and destroyed when brought face to face with the feared stimulus. Avoidance maintains the anxiety.

[@GeoffreyAngapa]

​@@LeeChrissyThose are interesting stories. I think another point to take into account is the breaching of "do as you would be done by." I believe that both "camps" aren't quite right, though in the comments, we often find anti-anxious and anti-avoidant. There is confusion on this topic because attachment theory, as it stands today, is not wrong but a simplification. A newer, more-detailed model is needed. An analogy would be gravity in science. Newton's equations work well for everyday situations and are an excellent approximation. But when dealing with extreme speeds and distances, Einstein's more complex general relativity has to be used. In ordinary cases, GR's predictions are similar to those of Newton's.

[@brianb2571]

Thais, yhank you SO MUCH for this, this is truly a gift.

[@oscardannysanchez647]

Very informative and interesting. 👍🏻

[@chrismaxwell1624]

Is it only parents that can give what you need to be secure? Or can grand parents, aunts and uncles do that too. My parents were there for me but so were all my mom's sisters and brother. Both grandparents on both sides. Even when I was in daycare my grandfather on moms side would stop by visit me in morning and afternoon. I remember how my uncle, he was 10 years older and would take me to watch Saturday cartoons with him. With all that family involvement I think that why I'm secure attachment. Though there were things that happened later in life that shifted that a bit. My age 0-6 was quite good for me. School messed me up.

[@NormanInAustralia]

Thanks!

[@JacobCarlson-uq1my]

I would imagine that if you have any dogs or cats ,they must be such happy hearts,&friendly.

[@heatherhilderbrand7298]

If your friend has no clue about attachment theory, how as a secure individual do you bring this up to them without offending them?

[@sushmitasutradhar4880]

👏🏼 perfect

[@timelordthefirst4835]

Can this be from friends and not from family?

[@Daysofklara]

I wonder if its common that a DA’s avoidance tendencies give them physical symptoms? I’m six months in with a DA and have been very patient and letting him take it at his pace but he’s still extremely stressed out about our relationship. Just when we were about to get a bit more serious he first had fever for one month and then migraines for another month which has made it almost impossible for us to meet meet up or develop any closeness. I do believe him about the sickness but I can’t help but wonder if it’s really his stress about the relationship that causes all this. He’s been to several doctors and no one has found an underlying explanation to his problems. (He will soon start therapy but I guess it will take several months before that can give any results.)

[@dr.florence]

sounds a lot like psychosomatic stuff 🫢 - sending you sympathy from afar, it's tough, frankly

[@danilaroche1156]

My DA had extreme anxiety and after 5 months broke it off. He claimed to be in love with me. He had a rocky childhood. Alcoholic parents. A history of porn and pot smoking. He said he wanted to love and serve Christ, like me but he didn't. His stress was because he A. Couldn't forgive.B. Wouldn't seek help and C. Thought porn was okay and refused to turn to Jesus. In my experience it's the love and healing power of Christ that can change us. That's my experience because I was a mess!

[@alexblainelayter7703]

Yes, I think that's quite common. Someone not in touch with their feelings will still have them, so they come out as physical symptoms. Anxiety, digestive issues, headaches, nausea, cramps, and eventually chronic inflammatory illnesses such as arthritis or autoimmune disorders.

[@Daysofklara]

@@dr.florence Thank you, so sweet 🥺🙏 yes it’s really hard to know when it’s time to give up and when it’s worth trying “just a little bit more”. I’m mentally exhausted.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Wow, that's tough. It's great that he's seeking help. Hang in there and take care of yourself too! ❤‍🩹

[@tironbogdan]

Hi! I did a short from this video. Where can I send it to you?

[@xLithiumx]

Has anybody an advice for me? I didn't meet my DA for about 6 weeks now. It's our second attempt, he came back to me. The first three weeks all was good. but now he's stringing me along from week to week to meet again. Always says "Let's meet on another day." I'm so confused. But he told me he would come to my birthday in 2 weeks??? So he's still interested or what. We hadn't a fight, we hadn't a conflict, it was all nice and harmonious. And he's still texting back to my texts.

[@LeeChrissy]

My ex DA didn't do this, but he would try making plans last minute which really bothered me because I used to hold off on making plans with friends waiting on him. That was ALL on me though. I shouldn't have waited on anyone. So I started making regular plans with my friends as I did before we dated and either I was available or I wasn't. After not being able to make any solid plans with me for a couple of weeks as I was already busy, he started making them a week in advance. Lol I went to PDS to learn boundaries and non-negotiables, but if you don't want to join, try making two lists. One with your boundaries. One with your non-negotiables. Once you have those written down, stick by them. This is your life too, so own it. Make sure you're just as happy in the relationship too. ❤

[@xLithiumx]

@@LeeChrissy Thank you for the reply. Yes, my DA did this too in the beginning of our situationship. At first we were always making plans to meet, but then it changed and he texted me always last minute. Sometimes I said yes, sometimes I said no. I always had my boundaries with him. I had the 7 days free trial from PDS, it was very helpful. But sometimes the behaviour of my DA is still confusing.

[@LeeChrissy]

@@xLithiumx I understand. It's definitely something you need to consider if this will work for you long-term. Any type of inconsistency is very hard to work with. Always see someone for exactly who they are and not their potential or if they change and take it at face value. ❤️

[@riverbilly64]

⁠I’m willing to bet the DA will not be at your birthday party. Too much emotion. Don’t expect it.

[@xLithiumx]

@@riverbilly64 Yes, he won't come. He broke up with me last monday. Later I found out he was more like a fearful avoidant, than a dismissive avoidant, but still...

[@Blind_target]

If a dismissive avoidant says "we will never be a thing again" I'm assuming they are actually done or is this part of their push pull?

[@AlexDahlZ]

Done, block them everywhere and move on.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

It sounds like they are setting a clear boundary, but it's always best to communicate openly to understand their intentions better ❤

[@johndoe8923_is_obsessedwithme]

Any experience I've had with an ex DA has been one where they want to keep it open indefinitely. If someone tells you they are done, I would accept it and be grateful they were honest and clear.

[@JacobCarlson-uq1my]

♥️

[@MiichelleMariie1221]

🩵🩵🩵