FTM: Deciding to transition amidst uncertainty

[@Galaxxy9]

Wow, you fully put into words my hesitations with transitioning. It was the whole, well if I'm not suicidal than I should try to stick it out. Just survive. But I realized I am allowed to thrive. And finally made the choice to be as happy as I can be.

[@TheSLOfox]

That's awesome! I'm glad you're taking steps to be happier!

[@cameronmac4522]

That is an awesome way to put it...just because I can survive doesn't mean I'm not allowed to thrive. I so needed to hear those words :) Also this video was great and all of this is so good to hear right now

[@melissafoster7968]

Did you feel like you had the right to be a guy? I feel like i have no place to think i am.

[@myrkflinn4331]

Same; I stuck with this body and mindset of 'Ill live I guess' for years, not doing much and avoiding and not getting the chances I deserve and til I realized I can make a chance and I am allowed to make one with whatever financials I have 'sadly its not the best', I said: I have to try. I cant stand waiting and sitting in a shadow anymore

[@Mark-pl3bv]

Such a relatable video, that's also how I figured out I needed T! I would spend a day outside, living my life as a guy without thinking about it twice, then I would see pictures of myself and they didn't match how I thought I looked at that time. It's having a "masculinity" inside you that just doesn't shine to the outside world. It was very disturbing. I spent 7 years pre-T so I'd grown so used to ignoring my body and desires, I could survive without T. But ignoring your body and feeling a constant mismatch when you *have* to aknowledge it means something needs to change.

[@dangerousdinosaur1640]

“I hadn’t experienced it so how could I predict it with full certainty?” This related to me a lot. I’ve just been doubting myself and I don’t know if transitioning is gonna make me feel better. I hadn’t realised how bad I was feeling, how I never saw myself in the mirror before I cut my hair short short. But once I made the decision to, I came back from the hairdresser and saw myself, and I was so much happier and I feel like I look more and more like myself in the mirror. The picture thing is also really relatable, it’s just never clicked, I never looked like myself. Anyways dude you really helped me here, you don’t have to feel super sad and at your lowest to transition or take steps into becoming your most authentic self.

[@sirgroot9]

when it comes to videos about being trans, i feel you make the most helpful and relatable videos (for me). this particular video takes the cake! thank you SOOO MUCH for sharing your thoughts!! i can't tell you how much this means to me. i think there was a part of me that realised these ideas logically on the surface, but i think i needed to hear someone say it. thanks again, you're brilliant!

[@TheSLOfox]

I'm so glad you found it relatable! Awesome.

[@Laurynbay]

You made me feel sane. Everything you were saying, I kept agreeing you with and I never found a video that sounded just like me. Thank you so damn much for sharing your video. Thank you, thank you, thank you

[@TheSLOfox]

I'm so glad it resonated with you! Thanks for your kind comment!

[@moosboeke2554]

I was hesistant before coming out because i too thought i was doing pretty ok. But then i went to gender therapy and we talked about my feelings and i found out that other people generally DONT despise being alive. I genuinely thought everyone else also hated existing. Oops.

[@ZanderKeig]

I also had a lot of hesitation Pre-transition. it also took me 8 yrs to take the steps necessary to medically transition my indecision rested on believing my T would make me violent. That fear was based on the the rhetoric I gleaned from my experience being a separatist lesbian for 25+yrs and hearing messages that supported such nonsense. Of course I never became violent, but it stopped me for years.

[@TheSLOfox]

That's interesting. As you probably know, I had similar feelings about what it meant to be male. I'm glad we both got past that!

[@ZanderKeig]

+TheSLOfox absolutely!

[@MackBayda]

This video is full of great advice! I'm also a very cautious person. And, like you a few years ago, I currently feel utterly paralyzed in the decision to transition or not. It's good hearing that in your journey, you ended up proceeding with a bit of uncertainty (going on T, ect). Trusting myself is something I'm working on, but not making much progress on. Anyway, thanks for the great content, as always! Side note- do you take Karate (your shirt)? I'm a black belt 😁

[@TheSLOfox]

I used to do karate, from age 6-18, and I did get a black belt. It's a very old t-shirt. haha. That's awesome that you have a black belt, too! Karate was an awesome influence on my life.

[@bluesunshine420]

Omg Mack I love your videos

[@romyfrederick3804]

your videos are so helpful, thank you so much. I really miss seeing more people talk about their doubts and fears (and of course uncertainty) about transition, espatially when I first started looking information up. It's really nice to hear someone talk about how you *weren't* sure and it makes me feel ok to also feel this way. Thank you!

[@TheSLOfox]

I'm glad! Thanks!

[@betha2951]

This video really helped a lot, and so many of your other videos have too so thank you! It's so great to hear someone talking about doubts and second guessing themselves, lots of people give the impression that as soon as they found out they knew it was right for them and went straight into coming out and transition but i've been spending over a year thinking about it now and it's been making me think maybe i'm not really trans if i'm having all these doubts? But this has really helped clear my mind and realise that it's okay to question it and not know for certain unless i actually go through with it

[@somedude172]

This video is so old but i just stumbled across it and god, it helped so much. Ive been so frickin confused and stressing out about coming out, since i just started college, and you just put it all into perspective for me. thank you!

[@anikaroth5503]

Thanks for this video. I can relate to a lot of it. I also don't feel that I KNOW I'm trans. Like you said, you had a female body and hormones, so how could you know? It takes a lot of trust and it's scary to try T when you don't know what it'll feel like, and it makes permanent changes.

[@trinitylivingston1286]

That's what I'm scared about taking T.

[@ariusisgay]

You probably won’t see this because you published this video 4 years ago but I just wanted to say I’m so proud of how far you’ve come in your transition! I recently saw one of your videos from 6 years ago where you mentioned recently getting on T and the change in your voice is astonishing. It took me a few seconds to even realize it was you 😂 I hope that I can even get to a place where I start T, getting to this point is my dream. Congrats ❤️

[@TheSLOfox]

aw thank you!

[@oneshotonepic8319]

I found this video was immensely helpful in quelling some of my self doubt about transitioning. Thank you!

[@TheSLOfox]

Awesome, I'm glad the video helped you! Best wishes!

[@colgan2731]

I've been watching your videos for a while now and I appreciate your voice in this KZbin community. My best friend is going through transition and he had always been my rock while we were younger through my hardships so it wasn't a choice about being his rock now--I just am. Your insight helped me start dialogue with him that I could never have before. As a medical doctor going through transition was seriously huge for him especially dealing with colleagues, patients, med students, etc. Thanks Allan for being a wonderful part of this FTM journey.

[@TheSLOfox]

Thank you! Wow, I'm glad I could play a role in helping you relate to your friend.

[@kairivers6357]

Thank you for making this video, on this topic of uncertainty. Trusting myself is one of my biggest hurdles, trying to tap into my heart and my intuition, versus my brain. In the past I have always looked to my mom or sister to tell me what they think I think, or what they think I'd be good at, like career-wise, which is how I wound up in a career that caused me great anxiety and depression. It's recently through help of my naturopath I've been working with for 5 years, or my new therapist that have been helping me to learn to trust myself. So many FTM bloggers I follow speak about things with such certainty on this topic that that alone makes me doubt myself, if they can be so certain, and me not as much, maybe it means I'm not trans and shouldn't transition. It doesn't help that I am significantly older (at 33 I feel so old to not have transitioned earlier) than most of these bloggers that transitioned in their teens. So I do have to step back and tap into myself and what I believe and honestly screw what others feel, they don't have to live my life.

[@TheSLOfox]

That's awesome that you're moving towards trusting yourself a bit more. It can be challenging. I felt similarly, seeing that many trans people seemed to feel certainty before transitioning, and if I didn't feel that way, then maybe I wasn't totally trans. But no, that's not true! Sounds like you're on a good path.

[@MingusTale]

I used to absolutely have this weird disconnect when I caught myself in the mirror when I was a tomboy kid. I basically haven't really been a fan of mirrors since. After having tried to be a little more femme to fit in as a teen, butching back up last year finally made me confident and happy looking in the mirror. But slowly but surely again I feel weird looking in the mirror again. Tho it only really happens when I have clothes on. when I'm naked I look like a perfectly good looking woman but when I dress that's just not what I'm going for... and I feel like my clothes and my vision and my body are fighting...? But this has happened more since I have gotten really into transguy youtubers, and as other people have sort of accused me of being trans and as you said, I wonder whether that just makes me wonder if that's what's bothering me. I've never considered myself trans or even butch tbh tho, just sorta boyish, I was never trying to label myself. So I'm more second guessing my cisness.

[@skatersurfersnowboarder3545]

This video helped me so much even years later. I identified with the word Paralyzed. and i do feel paralyzed it is getting better and this video even helped. This isnt the best route but one thing that ensured me "no this is right" is the devastation i felt when my endo refused to give me T, due to mental health and one medical issue that needs little more than keeping an eye on it... I became a powerhouse driving to get T for the past couple months. Because it reminded me how badly i need it, and having it taken from my hand unwillingly was so crushing. im so excited to finally hold that testosterone needle in my hand! Still have anxiety and nervousness and can feel the paralysis still but i know how badly i need it and im not stopping. Im open and listening to myself not just my anxiety. I know its hard and its going to be scary, and my anxiety screams uncertainty but i trust myself and my feelings. I hope i can start soon!

[@madalianband381]

What an incredibly powerful and useful video. Of all the FTM KZbinrs I've been watching, I definitely have the most in common with you. I actually took notes to have for later. Thank you.

[@TheSLOfox]

Aw I'm so glad you found it so helpful! Thank you!

[@madalianband381]

@@TheSLOfox I actually have started making my own trans videos (under Twisted TRANSistor) and I always put your profile name in my video descriptions so that others who relate to my story can get even more affirmation from your story (because our narratives have similarities). Thank you again for everything! 💜✨

[@stay_sentient]

can't describe how much I appreciate your channel and this video particularly. I am still on the fence about transition, but I know much of it is more of resisting and fear. I have not met or know of anyone who started questioning later in their life, so this is such a blessing to have encountered you and your channel. thank you.

[@TheSLOfox]

Thank you! I'm so glad my videos are useful to you. Best wishes to you!

[@romanm.2676]

You really hit the nail on the head with this one. Thank you so much for being visible and vulnerable on you tube. You're a tremendous help and a lovely person.

[@TheSLOfox]

Thank you so much! I really appreciate your comment. I'm so glad my videos are helpful.

[@ItsJayden21]

everything about this video helped more than I could even explain, thank you so much for taking the time to talk about this. I struggle with all the exact ‪same questions and doubts that you did while being pre-T, and i'm still trying to figure myself out. this vid really gave me more of an insight and deep questions and things to think about that I think will ultimately help me make a decision. thank you so much again :,)

[@ardinrye4786]

Your videos are always so helpful and insightful. The thought you put into everything and delving into your doubts and fears have really helped me personally. It's so comforting to find someone else who was like yeah I didn't when I was that young ("that young" I was 19 it's all really relative anyway) and hearing that doubts are normal is helpful but the way you go through your process and kind of think through them has a much stronger impact and reassuring quality. It's funny that your how you didn't know you were trans video is your most popular, but to be honest, it's one of my favorites of yours since it was while I was watching that for like the fifth time or something that I had an oh shit moment and actually admitted to myself that I'm actually a guy. Also it's randomly so cool to find you touched on this topic when I'll be going to the doctor about starting T next Friday! Anyway, your videos are awesome. I have really appreciated them and they've meant a lot to me, so thank you.

[@johnbares4744]

You’re the first person I’ve watched that I can totally relate to, thank you very much for your informative and personal videos.

[@TheSLOfox]

You are so welcome! I'm glad you can relate.

[@Marinacarmenp]

I've made the decision of going on T, I feel it's already taken me too long (I'm 26). I've told my friends and part of my family. I have ftm friends to guide me through the process. Still, I have not plucked up the courage to go to the hospital, treatment is quite available in my country and paid for by the state. I've thought it through, decided I want most of the things that T will bring, why am I still hesitant when actually getting it? I'm quite uncertain. :(

[@peckgardner]

I need un update

[@TheNVS1]

good video. i originally came out as trans in april of '15, but got discouraged bc of the cost of surgery, etc. But I couldnt take it anymore, & a few wks ago I decided to start transitioning, at age 35 no less lol. I have my 1st therapist appt 8/29, then go from there. Its what I need to do. I can't live in this female body, its killing me.

[@TheSLOfox]

I'm glad you're taking steps to make yourself feel better! I agree that the cost of everything can be daunting. But yeah, sometimes you have to move forward despite the cost.

[@reneeelizabeth9473]

I know this is super old by now, but your videos have helped me so much, this one in particular. I'm (most probably) MTF, but I relate to this completely. Not being able to trust myself and constantly going through all the "what ifs" is keeping me stuck in place, even though if I pile up all the evidence, the scale tips towards transition having a net positive effect on my life. I too have been pestered by the thoughts that if I'm not suicidal or constantly suffering over my gender, that I should just learn to deal with it. I _know_ that isn't true, but it's a difficult thing to truly convince oneself of, especially when that narrative is so prevalent. I'm thinking of going on E sometime within the next year or so because I'm eventually going to have to unstick myself from this loop one way or another, and barring some huge revelation, I just don't think that's going to happen by choosing to resign myself back to life as a cis man without even trying.

[@cherriesrule13]

Thank you for your videos. the two i have watched so far have been a great help because your descriptions of your self discovery are similar to what i've been feeling. While other trans videos have also been useful, so many seem to have had that moment of certainty that they were right and that it was most definitely the right thing to do and that just hasn't been where my brain is. I've finally hit that "I'm still not sure if i'm right but if i don't do or say something to change where i'm at i'm going to be stuck here forever" point and it's really terrifying bc of the anxiety-voice in my head saying i might be making the wrong choice. So it's just very encouraging to hear someone speak openly about they're hesitations and choices regarding transitioning while being in that pit of self-doubt. Thank you.

[@myrkflinn4331]

Everything you say here is exactly what Ive been on about for a whole year every single day: is it really the right choice, is it what I should do? Can I afford it? (very cautious msyelf and scared of changes in general). I then took the first shot and tbh, I feel happier somehow but watching my body be the same and my voice not dropping yet (I kind of am a bit impatient I guess) does make me feel like it was all 'for nothing', right... but patience and appreciating what I can do is what I should do more often

[@DangerDonut]

Another great video. I think we have a lot of the same thought processes. It's helpful to watch your videos because it puts what I'm thinking into words. It's also very validating because I'm pre-T, so it's nice to see someone with such similar thoughts and feelings who is 2+ years on T and happy. Thanks for making these.

[@TheSLOfox]

Cool! I'm happy to hear you found it validating. :) Transition can be a complicated decision!

[@boyhappy24]

I really appreciate this video, I needed this to help with my emotions and feelings today . I knew it wasn't going to be easy but this is really an emotional rollercoaster. Been on hrt little more than a yr.

[@ollies8072]

Hi there. I'm questioning my gender (and a lot of other things) and really struggling. I've watched most of your videos, and I feel like I can relate to you in some ways. I really appreciate that your story is different from the stereotypical "trans narrative" and a lot of those differences really resonate with me. I'm sure you're a busy person and I don't know how many questions you get from fans/followers but I'd really like to talk/chat with you if possible. I dont want to clutter the comments section; unfortunately, KZbin DMs are no longer a thing, but I have accounts on pretty much all social media things. Let me know if we can talk. Either way, thanks for making your videos and explaining your journey. Have a great day!

[@KuRuKuKu1]

Wow! Thanks for the vid

[@transingularity2989]

This whole thing makes complete, perfect sense to me.

[@jamesonlake]

Great video. Uncertainty slowed me down in the beginning, but with every step I took towards transitioning, the better I felt... so I know it was right to keep going in that direction. Any plans for another book review video? Trans related or just books you love/suggest in general? I'd certainly be interested to hear :)

[@TheSLOfox]

Thank you! That's kind of what I did too... just "keep going in that direction." Yeah. I don't have plans to make another book review video, as I haven't read any trans books in a long time. But I'll think about it. :)

[@priestjinx]

this was sooo helpful. thank you!!

[@trinitylivingston1286]

I'm glad that I'm not the only one who had/has doubts about transitioning. I'm still worried about the side effects of taking T. I'm scared about coming out too. I thought that I wasn't trans because of these doubts. I've been thinking this through for awhile though. I know that I want to transition not because I'll have more power or anything, but because I'll feel more like myself.

[@savannasutton4504]

I love your videos! You have such an awesome view on everything snd bring up topics/points thag nobody else talks about. It's like you read my mind! Thank you for your videos :)

[@TheSLOfox]

Thanks! I appreciate that. I'm so glad you find my videos helpful/interesting.

[@dkmn7568]

The mismatch is so real! I’d see photos and videos of me and think “do I really look that feminine???” My mind just never comprehended it.

[@TheSLOfox]

I'm glad you can relate! Thanks for your comment.

[@mathieubarnes5324]

This was so relatable and helpful. Thank you!

[@myrkflinn4331]

I heard its best to transition when your head is ready and in a most calm state... it sucks to think of it when youre in constant distress in general, but again... I guess this 'comfort' level is up to debate still

[@amberrunyon8536]

I have a strong need for cirtanty too.

[@ryanfalcon526]

I have very similar thoughts that you had before. Like, what if I want to be a man just because of the privilege it gives in the society, because of patriarchy, etc. And I also have lots of fears and I know for sure that nobody in my family would support me since I discussed that topic with them already and got a lot of negativity. But there is something that makes me look in the mirror every day and be disappointed because of how feminine I look. I was watching your videos since before you decided to transition and it was very interesting. So many of your thoughts ring a bell in my head. I just wanna say thank you, and keep posting videos!

[@TheSLOfox]

Thank you! I do plan to continue making videos for a long time. :) I'm sorry your family is negative about transition... I wonder if they would eventually come around if they saw how important it is to you? When I first brought up the topic of transition to my mom, she was kind of horrified (but always loving, thankfully), but then when I later announced that I truly needed to go ahead with transition and tried to explain how important it was, she got on board, despite sadness. I know not everyone's family does that, sadly. But I have heard stories about family really coming around eventually.

[@tristanpittman80]

As a trans woman...... I was nervous and scared to move forward BUT what I knew for certain was that my soul (my self) was in the wrong body.... I knew that for sure my whole life and thats what I went with in my decision to move forward with my transition

[@TheSLOfox]

I admire your courage in moving forward with your transition despite uncertainty. Thanks for sharing that.

[@Bribri902]

I am 21 and just figuring out what being transgender means to me. I can really relate to you and its nice knowing there are people out there like me. Thank yoi

[@TheSLOfox]

Thanks! I'm glad that I can be there for you through my videos!

[@trinitylivingston1286]

I'm glad that I'm not the only one figuring out later on.

[@paigeg8487]

This video was super helpful. Appreciate it.

[@thatoneepicenealex7432]

I appreciate this a lot, because i've gone through the same thing. i was so fucking similar and this is helping me kind of validate myself

[@TheSLOfox]

Thanks! I'm glad you feel more validated!

[@loislion7985]

Thank you for this video... it is something that is not being talked about in our community, I hear a lot of trans guys say they never doubted pr where sure right away when they learned what transgender means... not been like that for me. It was like you, watching trans guys for five years on youtube and second guessing and being afraid and paralyzed and everything. I finally found the courage to do it in january and rushed into it before my mind changed and my fears came back. Now i'm almost 2 months on T but I still have some doubts, and I wanted to know if you have tips to deal with it? Like sometimes i wanna take a break off t to see if i can live without it (but at the same time i cannot wait for the changes to come... as much as i dread them somehow...). Anyways, i started to see a psychologist as well, but yeah, if you have tips onhow to find the courage to continue when you doubt whether its the right decision or not, i'd be happy to hear about them. Take care anyways! Loïs

[@ollies8072]

Hey, it's been a year. What decision(s) you did you up making and how are you doing now?

[@barakaobama9081]

Holy shit. Why am I just now noticing your tattoos.

[@TheSLOfox]

haha

[@thaophann1377]

Hi i am a ftm with south asian background and it is really hard to deal with every thing take decision because thinking and questioning whether i am reaaly a trans or not left me with no identity. Can i please contact you personally i got so much questions to ask you as i dont have any other friends im kind of isolated please let me know Thank you

[@TheSLOfox]

I'm sorry you're feeling isolated! Sure, feel free to send me a PM on youtube.

[@jeffreemcmillan2288]

Hey, not sure if you will get this being this video is one of your older ones. However, I’ll give it a try. I have watched many many of your videos and tonight saw this older one and I do have some questions that I would really like if your willing to ask you in regards to your video and some other ftm trans related topics that I feel would be best answered by another trans man and closer to my age group. Also do you have another way that we can talk better? I’m mot sure if you have the private messages etc?? Thanks a Ton for your time Trey

[@transingularity2989]

I can't transition, because my insurance won't pay for it, and because I can't afford different insurance. Other than that, ZERO uncertainties.