THIS Is How A Fearful Avoidant Feels After A Break Up!

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

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[@MDF-xd3hw]

I tested at 40% dismissive and 40%fearful avoidant. The narrative we create in our own head can be so strong that it overrides the reconciliation we actually do want and possibly even achieve w/ said partner. We may create a narrative so rooted in our own head that we falsely “KNOW FOR CERTAIN” that a reconciliation is a prolonged heartbreak. Believe it or not, we don’t actively look to hurt our partner, nor ourselves. We just need to believe we can have a healthy relationship and sometimes even that scares us, because many of us are prone to believing the worst about ourselves and by extension others including our partners

[@jtiltin]

I tried for 4 years to uplift him, empower him, but he just kept pulling me in and pushing me away. Now that we’re not talking, I have no idea what to do. 🤷🏼‍♀️

[@vorbis4860]

This is why I (as an axious-leaning secure person) told my FA that it was inappropriate for her to message me until she's actually leaving her abuser, but also that she has to start therapy like she said 5 times she would. If she's not doing the REAL work which requires vulnerability with a skilled mental health worker, then she's just going to find OTHER reasons to pull the same crap. I've pointed her to this kind of content and all kinds of great tools, and it's like she needs to cut down the trauma tree in her yard and she's using a spork, while I've dropped off 2 chainsaws, 5 axes, 8 hatchets, a couple hand saws, and an electric meat carver. And she sits there saying "my way works for me," which is really code for "this way, I can SAY I'm doing the work, without actually facing the stuff underneath the bark, and I can keep the tree there."

[@vorbis4860]

@jtiltin No Contact is the way to go. On some level they know they're screwed up and that they need to heal. They need to feel consequences for their actions in order to become fully aware of their actions. And you need to heal. As someone going into year 2 of no contact (she still updates her WhatsApp photo that she knows only I see, btw), I know it's hard, but it's so worth it. You just...get tired of how pathetic their paralysis is.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Thank you for sharing such a thoughtful perspective. It highlights how deeply internal narratives can shape avoidant behaviors and the struggle to believe in the possibility of healthy relationships. It's a tough cycle, but awareness like this is a powerful first step toward breaking it and creating more balanced connections.💜

[@csg45001]

I’m a FA trying to get to secure. And when I’m at my DAs house when he comes home from work I’m sitting there with my arms open waiting for my hug. And if I’m busy he comes up and gives me a hug and a kiss.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

That’s a great example of creating small, meaningful moments of connection. It shows how consistent gestures can help build security and closeness, even in relationships with different attachment styles. Keep nurturing those moments-they make a big difference! 💛

[@timmorisma4800]

An avoidant saying that I didn't fight for the relationship sounds crazy to me.

[@T4llyV3roo]

Omg this coming back after a breakup and acting like we’re back together without ever discussing it is me every relationship lol. Extremely accurate

[@eileendom5858]

MASTERFUL ! I am speechless in this episode how the Fearful Avoidant (ME) is described lol. I am all of this and the crazy part my ex is Dismissive Avoidant. Sadly I am learning all after the breakup, but am grateful to be learning it nonetheless. Not only am I learning about all about him and our failed relationship, I am learning so much about me and how I can heal. This episode has me downloading it, bringing out my notebook and listening a few more times. Trust is still my biggest hurdle, but this episode is making me see so much toward breaking that down! I was definitely the partner who felt he didn’t care because I didn’t get a hug or kiss when walking in the door lol. Thank you so much!

[@lisalee6501]

I’ve been coming so much more secure and changed very much since my journey started 4 years ago. I didn’t notice before I fell in love this year and actually was open and vulnerable and direct. I noticed he started to distance him self and asked openly if everything was okay and that I felt rejected but that I would respect if he doesn’t want a relationship or if he needs space. He said sorry, that everything is okay and to never feel scared that he’ll ghost. Then he ghosted the next day. So I’m disappointed that even when sharing my needs this happens. I’ve never been happy right after a break up like other FA’s, I’m rather devastated and can’t get out of bed for a few weeks. Then I’m ice cold, like now, if my recent ex had reached out a few weeks ago I would have been open to it, but now the window is closed and I wish him well but he’s just dead to me forever.

[@colleenhunter7207]

My FA ex self sabotaged the relationship 4 months ago. He ended it via text after an 18 month relationship, saying: “Unfortunately, I don’t think I’m in a place where I can provide you what you need and deserve. I love you completely and want only you. I’m not looking for anything else. I just am not in a great place right now. I’m sorry.” I tried contacting him for a couple weeks after the breakup, but he never responded. I let him know if he ever got to a place where he can have an honest and vulnerable conversation to reach out to me. Should I give up any hope?

[@The_Whimsical_Avoidant]

In this case, I wouldn't give up hope. That was a very thoughtful break-up and the fact that he said he wants only you means he wants only you! 💗 I did this with my current DA partner a couple of years ago. Actually I pulled a couple of these because I was so unhealed and overwhelmed. Now I simply communicate that I'm going thru a lot and I might not be able to see him for a bit so I can get through it and he is so supportive and tells me to take my time and he's not going anywhere. So it's up to you really if you can be a partner to someone who needs space from time to time. Most people won't allow that space so we just assume to give up and leave because we don't want to fight or compromise something we have limited control over. My DA and I are great about giving space. He never really needs it but I need a lot. If he comes back and this behavior is okay to you, I'd let him know that it's okay if he needs space and you don't need to break up over it.

[@colleenhunter7207]

@ I tried to communicate this initially. He never responded to anything I sent- texts and emails. I’ve been in no contact for almost 4 months, but have left the door open for him if he ever wants to have an honest conversation about what happened. In the meantime, I’ve been working on myself, but do hope one day soon he will reach out to have a conversation about everything. Part of me wonders if it was just a line to let me down easy, but he always told me he never felt this way about anyone and no one has ever made him feel so loved. It sucks.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

It's understandable to feel conflicted. His message shows care, but his actions suggest he's not ready. Focus on your healing and what you deserve. If he reaches out, you can reassess then. 💙

[@airbearcares93]

I think the warming up period can take WAY longer than 8 weeks. Disagree that FAs will want to start talking about the issues in the relationship so soon, at least from the dumper's perspective. They usually dip their toe in to test the waters with the initial contact, but it can take quite a while before they feel safe to even talk about the relationship/breakup. And this is even when the dumpee is aware of the "Goldilocks" thing you mentioned.

[@monaqueeney6885]

OMG! Spot on

[@drevolan]

I tried reaching out to my FA after three months. She was open to a conversation, but I could tell she had significant emotional walls and had just avoided processing the breakup. After three weeks of this dynamic, I decided to step up and set a boundary, stating that I couldn’t pretend to be platonic while still having romantic feelings. Since then, I’ve been in strict no contact. It’s been two months since I set the boundary and six months since the breakup. Recently, she started deleting me from social media-about one account per week over the past three weeks-and I find it... odd. I think she’s starting to feel the breakup, and I wish I could reconnect, but it’s not up to me now. :(

[@HH-pj5bl]

What Thais said about pushing away because they didn't communicate things but felt overwhelmed, I definitely felt that with a dance crush, she didn't give me a chance or communicate things just 3dates into it she said she wanted to be friends and when we chatted and she briefly communicated the things that was bothering her, in my mind I was like wow those could been addressed at the moment if she just told me that it bothered her. But I respect her wanting to be friends....It feels even more awkward now for me I tried to be a friend but she still seems to be avoiding me or anything to do with me and we see each other quite often since we in the same dance school. How could I show up show that I showing her I genuinely want to be friends ? Thank you Thais love you❤

[@ginabritt6144]

I'm an FA. You totally pegged me..and I didn't even know all this until a few days ago. I'm currently broke up with my DA.

[@ThousandWordsMediadotcom]

It sucks… there’s a lot to help fix it on here though

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

It's a big step to recognize your attachment style and how it plays a role in your relationships. Breakups can be tough, especially when attachment dynamics are involved. Be kind to yourself as you process everything. You're not alone in this journey. 💙

[@ginabritt6144]

Thank you PDS. It's much like getting a diagnosis..now let's get help.

[@RayCanisLupus]

I have been with a FA for 14 years (9 living together and 5 married). She bailed out on me 9 months ago taking our infant son and moving to her parents 600miles away. Nothing that I have tried to get us back together has worked and listening to this podcast has me believing that she has already closed the chapter on us. That said, she has not moved to divorce me, and I have maintained my position that I am standing for our marriage, but the timeframes given here lead me to believe that the marriage may be toast regardless. I just don't get why she hasn't actually finished this off? We have only entered a relative "no contact" phase recently, going on for about the last 4 weeks but were speaking before that. I am not even sure why I am still standing for the marriage anymore, maybe it's for the sake of my son. Quite frankly, I am at the point where I feel that relationships with avoidants of any kind are just not worth the investment or the risk.

[@enricol.joseph4342]

Right. These people are mentally sick. Their thinking and judgements is not right.

[@toddterrie6201]

Thais and Mike thanks for a great video! How would you go about reconnecting with an FA ex around the holidays? The 4 week no contact milestone falls a week before Christmas. This creates obstacles because I will be traveling near then (thru the new year). I have stayed in no contact but my ex tried calling me once, still views my IG stories, and my ex even reached out to one of my sibling (to offer help on something small). She broke up with me. I hope we still have a future.

[@moderngoblin]

Isn’t no contact what they call the silent treatment and isn’t it known as a harmful tactic of abuse? Especially if people are doing it strategically to get some type of response or behavior from another?

[@palmiccz]

Silent treatment is toxic narcissistic technique, while no contact is phase where both are taking a pause from contacting each other to reset their relationship, or to move out of it.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

No contact and silent treatment can seem similar but have different intentions. No contact is often used for personal healing and establishing boundaries, while silent treatment is typically a manipulative tactic meant to control or punish. The key difference is the intention behind it. 💜

[@deemee5875]

So even if the DA and the FA break up w you, you have to reach out first? Or they will be offended/ rejected?

[@palmiccz]

If they breakup with you, there is only one think what to do - let them and move on. Sorry. Otherwise you are validating their disrespect to you and they will certainly repeat it again.

[@ThousandWordsMediadotcom]

Dude……. Im being stonewalled currently because of how I over spilled my anxiety & she blocked me… she unblocked me but I didn’t add her back asap so she reblocked… and then I saw her out & she was not open for reconnecting right then… then she told a mutual acquaintance that she cares about me & she just needs space…. So I’m giving her space…. Idk for how long though….should I wait 30 days or like 2 weeks???

[@jamie-r2034]

I'd wait at least 30 days.

[@ThousandWordsMediadotcom]

@@jamie-r2034heard that:…some other guy said the window to reconnect is shorter than people think & a lady on here said avoidants want you to be around and exist independently without engaging so they know you can exist on your own lol

[@shandisalynn547]

Do you think it takes longer to heal if you are really diving deep into the work? Because you are bringing up so much old stuff too?

[@The_Whimsical_Avoidant]

I took almost an entire year of not talking to many people because I was so engulfed in my healing. It brought up SO much past trauma and pain and I had to deal with that. I honestly think this will be a lifetime of work.

[@handleName73]

Can a fearful avoidant person come back, especially if after 1 month after the breakup they said "I was not so much in love" despite evidence to the contrary? Their past experiences lead them to misinterpret our healthy communication by comparing it to their previous toxic relationships. With little experience in healthy love-mostly short flings with toxic partners-they struggle to recognize what real love feels like. The "felt love" only once during a long-distance relationship (their first one) with a person recovering from a toxic relationship while they were talking everyday for their ex and how he traumatized her (co-dependency?). They are self-aware and want to heal but struggle to find the right tools (and the right questions) and are governed by their fear after 3 months in the relationship. They broke up after 7 months to address anxiety, despite they see our compatibility and how we "mirror" each other. They do well at a distance. I don't invest myself in anymore, just wondering: Is there hope for them to return? Will they realize what goes on with them (soon) ?

[@The_Whimsical_Avoidant]

I'm a FA and if I say this, I 100% mean it. I'm not convincing myself of this. If I still love someone I will let them know I love them, it's just not the right relationship for me. So if she said this, I wouldn't count on her coming back honestly. Also, what do you consider healthy communication? Sometimes these conversations seem healthy but there are undertones that we will pick up on as we are extremely hyper-vigilant. If we detect any passive aggressive, eye rolling, breath huffing, judgemental, angry or annoyed hints then we don't perceive this as healthy. Especially if we're not self-aware. It also depends on your attachment. Are you anxious, avoidant or secure leaning in one of these attachments? We have to come to our own realizations to open ourselves up for a genuine connection. It took me until I found the right person a few years ago. I look back at my past relationships and there's no one I regret not opening up to fully.

[@handleName73]

@@The_Whimsical_Avoidant I get it, thanks for the feedback! According to Thais' quiz, I'm securely attached with 30% FA tendencies, which might explain my understanding of them. After 3+ months in and while they initiated to become official couple, their behavior turned hot and cold: They expressed missing me, had moments of jealousy and avoidance, anxious about how serious we were, and feeling overwhelmed, but struggled to articulate why. Still they remained very affectionate and caring. Their hyper-vigilance often fixates on my flaws, and they get uneasy when deeper issues aren't present, but never expressed any "red flag" - and we openly talk about everything. When I said "they convinced themselves" it’s because: Even when they broke up with me, they hesitated and questioned "it might be me" or "it might be bad period". The "checkup" date came after 4 weeks when I sensed their still avoidant phase. Regarding communication: we both recognize our deep connection and super compatibility. They even say we are mirrors! They always appreciate my compassion and admire my patience. But still seem questioning our 'style of communication'. I realized theirs stems from a trauma bond from their first relationship, which was unhealthy and co-dependent (abused ex talked daily about her ex!). They seem to miss that intensity, also coming from a dysfunctional family with unresolved traumas. It’s a shame because they have so many great qualities. And we both admit we didn't met at the right moment in our paths.

[@The_Whimsical_Avoidant]

​@@handleName73 she sounds unhealed and still needs to figure herself out. It's probably best that she ended it so she can do that. ❤️

[@handleName73]

@@The_Whimsical_Avoidant Definitely! And he's self-aware about it. Just wondering if there's any come-back to expect. (Even though, I will be super hesitant and I'm already feeling off the relationship)

[@The_Whimsical_Avoidant]

​@@handleName73 oh shoot...just realized I kept saying she, not he. I'm sorry. ❤ I don't know. All you can do is give yourself lots of self love and if they're meant to come back into your life they will.

[@ge0rgialiv]

Right, my avoidant ex is sharing things that are the opposite opinions or thoughts when we was together? Anyone know what’s happening here I’m assuming she’s ’changing’ who she is to who she’s with she’s with someone else and it’s just making me question the person I love is she real? Like anyone got any thoughts I’ll be honoured to hear

[@bulldogsnewleaf-m7g]

I notice mannerism, vocabulary, and moral code change but dreams and passions stay the same. They change enough to attract a new person but keep enough to stay independent. I think there's some healthier avoidants who also just are obsessed with growing and breakups are a catalyst, no other person or validation involved.

[@ge0rgialiv]

@@bulldogsnewleaf-m7gso why would you change your opinions on big issues? Like complete opposite stans, I agree with what you’re saying but didn’t answer my statement they do change themselves to a point and value independence I’m aware of that

[@bulldogsnewleaf-m7g]

@@ge0rgialiv Oh sorry, I don't have the "answers" I'm not them and they are different. just my observations on some.

[@ge0rgialiv]

@ don’t be sorry thank you for your insight

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

It’s common for avoidants to adapt their behavior depending on who they’re with. Your ex may be changing to fit her new relationship, which can make you question her authenticity. It’s important to focus on your own growth and trust your feelings, especially when faced with these dynamics.

[@stephaniepersin4222]

Any person that truly loves self doesn’t put up with this behavior. It’s not anyone’s job to mentally fix another adult.

[@stacyrodriguez3683]

You are right, however, from my experience as a fearful avoidant, if you make it to a place in the relationship where there is complete trust, it can become the best relationship you've ever had. Fearful avoidants long to feel safe and secure.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

It’s true that everyone deserves to be in a relationship where their well-being is respected, and while supporting a partner is part of a healthy relationship, it’s not anyone’s responsibility to "fix" someone else. Prioritizing your own emotional health is essential. 💙

[@bulldogsnewleaf-m7g]

FA's are SO unique lol

[@The_Whimsical_Avoidant]

We're adorable 🥰

[@bulldogsnewleaf-m7g]

@@The_Whimsical_Avoidant The real you's are pretty special. Everything else is melatonin.

[@transparentghost2817]

Dude.... this guy is so ANXTIOUS, that he keeps ASKING Thais if what he is saying is "okay" ... Horrible to watch .. like he is instructed in what to say.. for Thais benefit.. geez

[@prestidigitization]

*first*