THIS Is Why Avoidants Seem Fine After A Break Up

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

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[@WorldTraveler6352]

This episode was so good and so accurate. I feel that it gave a great perspective and understanding of what it is like to view life through a DA’s lens (Thank you, Michael). I can honestly say from being on the receiving end of an insecure DA’s actions that I have never been hurt more by anyone else. But, in saying that, I have learned a lot a through the PDS videos about how everyone’s worldview is very different and how there needs to be grace and understanding in that, while also learning to work through those insecurities as well. Thank you for taking the time to inform and provide tools for people to learn and grow. As someone who rehashes a situation over and over until you’re blue in the face, I appreciate the advice to treat it as though the person you care about won’t come back into your life. It gives yourself permission to keep moving forward despite the sting of it all. Thais, if you see this msg, I would love to see some videos on 1) what a healthy boundary looks like and how do you enforce that same boundary differently for various people in your life (i.e. family member, sign. other, friend, etc) and 2) why is it so hard for some people to move forward when they don’t receive closure. Thank you!

[@anitaz917]

it sucks to walk away from someone that you have loved despite of him being a DA

[@SelfCareCafe1st]

@anitaz917 it's tough, but you have to do it for your sanity and well-being!

[@theresacourter627]

Absolutely kills when you know it could be a beautiful partnership if they could work through things with you. Heartbreaking.

[@r_and_a]

imagine it also sucks for a DA to feel they were loved "despite" of who they are 🤷 sounds like you're both probably better off with it being over

[@Spectacular-Spider-Dan]

Everything in this podcast was exactly what I needed to hear to understand what I've been going through lately with someone. Really great insight and advice. Thank you so much for recording this, you've helped me a ton!

[@9999Pleaiden]

Now its been six months since my avoidant ex and I broke up after 6 years of push and pull. I'm anxious but have healed alot . The longer we have been in no contact the more im happy I got out and dont understand how i could have stayed for so long as i did

[@zlatkajupe]

Be careful. Mine always tend to boomerang back around after months of not talking and want to get back together. Try and tell you all the things you waited to hear for so long but they never really change. You deserve so much better than that 💜

[@lizlaw775]

She blocked me in every way and means she could..like I was poison. We were falling in love and yet she did this. The extreme of the situation is the most brutal thing I've experienced and I am a strong person, but this has really knocked me because I can't do anything about it, I can't correct them, all I am left with is frustration, sadness, longing, anger, disappointment. If they do miss the person, tough...I've tried to reach out but quickly realised it was useless. It is the worst type of person to get involved in, believe me.

[@whiggygirl]

The same happened to me. Then I found out only 4 weeks after we split, that he was fb official with someone else. He'd told me for 11 months he couldn't commit, for all kinds of reasons. He'd literally just held me and cried and said "I have really really strong feelings for you. I could never leave you. I will never let anyone hurt you".......4 days later, he blocked me on absolutely EVERYTHING and only 4 weeks after blocking me, he's fb official with someone else. He's broken me 😭😭😭😭

[@lizlaw775]

@whiggygirl it's absolute selfishness and immaturity, they have no empathy for others, it's all about them. It's taken me months to psycho analyse the fearful avoidant, and that's what it boils down to.

[@whiggygirl]

@lizlaw775 I'm a fearful avoidant and am nothing like you described

[@yayalough3249]

​@whiggygirl ... omg.. how heartbreaking for you ... World turned upside down .. Time wasted and no closure 😢

[@The_Whimsical_Avoidant]

​@@whiggygirl that's why I can't stand people using attachment labels so much. Literally anyone can hurt someone. Attachment theory should be used as a baseline to understand some common traits, yet it's used to pigeon-hole entire attachment styles. I'm a FA and I don't act like some describe either.

[@marissabranch840]

Great discussion. I am on the receiving end of this and was told today, that we are just friends after a year and 7 months. I know this is because she cannot let herself feel vulnerable. This has caused issues around intimacy, personal space, lack of boundaries, unmet expectations and a lot of pain and confusion. I know that it will not matter if I try to explain that I feel like a fool for thinking that we were in a romantic relationship all this time and finding out that she perceived it as merely a friendship. If I had been informed of this earlier it would have saved me a lot of heartache confusion inner turmoil mistrust and basic sadness. I want to say something to her but will not knowing she probably feels relieved right now. I would like to at least know why I wasn't told this early on and why she never stopped me from doing the things that people in relationships do. I'm so mad and so hurt but I can't cry I've been through this once before and know that crying doesn't do anything. I've been working on myself and I feel like I handled the short discussion we had this morning with a little bit of grace. A lot of my healing has come through your videos and I appreciate and love you for providing me a way to explain and express myself to the fearful or dismissing avoid it in my life ❤

[@anna-kt1zp]

there was one episode mike talks about an ex that made him want to confront his issues - can you guys talk about this please? was this the breaking moment for the attachment work or did that come later? are they still together? what set her apart?

[@waynemacomson6448]

So while ya'll detail how awful it is to be ghosted, imagine the unimaginable pain of realizing the one you love just told you you are nothing.

[@deemee5875]

Why does the DA break no contact, reaches out and then to quickly pull away and then say they aren’t ready.. why come back then?

[@bulldogsnewleaf-m7g]

validation. You just let them know they can have you whenever they want - they have less fear of the getting rejected by the new muse and get a confidence boost to attract new partners.

[@deepthoughts87-d4s]

​@bulldogsnewleaf-m7g @deemee5875 with my ex girlfriend anytime we had an argument she reached out to her ex for validation

[@alissaa2809]

Because they missed you in some ways, but they know that some Things from you are too overwhelming for them. So when the opportunity to vet Close to you ist real, they remember ( their brain reacts) that there are parts of you that they cannot handle - coming from an avoidant

[@deemee5875]

@@alissaa2809 thank you. It’s good to hear what goes on from the other person’s perspective. I know I have to work on a few things too.

[@mike198383]

Someone recently broke up with would still try to keep me around even after being super toxic and saying some really damaging things as they could not find their own closure. But in order to heal myself I had to go no contact in order to move on.

[@sisters299]

My avoidant has admitted to using escorts now to completely avoid emotional intimacy. I’m devastated I can’t be with him anymore and it’s killing me because I loved him so much but I can’t do it now knowing where he’s been.

[@WahkeenaSitka]

A lot of women are in denial about men and male sexuality, and don't understand that there are many, many men who are truly - at their core - not monogamous and need to have sexual variety. A lot of men use transactional sexual experiences to experience variety of sexual experiences, without having to deal with the complexities of emotional relationships that come with being in a traditional pair bonded, coupling relationship. For many men, having transactional sexual experiences is emotionally safer, because it's less complex. And yes - I think most of the men who do these types of things as a "hobbyist" or as someone who has a consistent pattern of pursuing these types of experiences are probably DA.

[@alissaa2809]

Sorry to hear. Beeing avoidant ist no excuse ti beeing a total asshole. Please leave him. The Attachment Style dies NOT determine the Charakter. He is Just a scummy Person. AS an avoidant, I would never think about hurting my SO Like this

[@kolsen5420]

I see how avoidant my ex was now and he completely blindsided me with the breakup but he cried and laid on my chest during it, saying how he failed us both and then a bunch of random reasons that made zero sense.. Does that mean he wasnt actually a DA....

[@whiggygirl]

This sounds very much like my DA. He also cried and held me and kissed my head, stroked my hair and said he had "Really really strong feelings" for me, said he could never leave me and would never let anyone hurt me. He then slow faded for 4 days until I lost my temper and blocked him. 2 days later, I unblocked him. He never unblocked me, and 4 weeks after we blocked each other, I found out he was fb official with someone else!

[@gregkelly9775]

Maybe you have to look at actions, not just words ...​@@whiggygirl

[@whiggygirl]

@gregkelly9775 I did!! It's the first thing I look at, after being a victim of narc abuse, and having specific focused therapy for that

[@MPurple3000]

Would the same timeframe apply regardless of who did the breakup? So DA wants comfort zone, FA challenges/ growth, and APs?

[@deepthoughts87-d4s]

It came off like she thought relationships were easy but at the end of the day her exes just didnt communicate emotionally so i think even though they treated her worse it was easier because no emotional intimacy

[@ge0rgialiv]

You should do a podcast talking about ur the comforts avoidants go to like alcohol or video games, food etc like to understand how their life changed after the break up and that like I’m seeing a lot of this in my ex and want to understand it better

[@denisedavis-pierre6665]

The THINGS we have “learned” to do to avoid feeling is endless. Unhealed….. I would rather poop scoop, clean the garage, wash the dishes, clean out the junk drawer….. or stare at a wall. LITERALLY!

[@denisedavis-pierre6665]

The point here is that we never witnessed normal emotional interdependency. Never saw it, wouldn’t recognize it if it hit us in the forehead. I grew up thinking that it was perfectly normal and my responsibility to deal with my own stuff by myself….and that everyone is supposed to do the same

[@SelfCareCafe1st]

My Fearful-Avoidant and I broke up yesterday. He refused therapy and called these videos youtube nonsense! He said he doesn't want to seek therapy in case the therapy works and we truly end up together! Is this not a real hatred for me? Then why are we together? Are you just looking for who to use? I'm in a real shock!

[@ofspngfreak]

What utter b.s. I am so sorry you had to go through that. I am in the same boat and will probably either see if he will let me into his house to talk and retrieve some of my stuff, or he plays cold and closed off again or simply ignores my knocks. He also has mentioned that therapy is a waste for anyone. He is not the type to undergo things like this so maybe it is finally time after a little over 2 years to say get help or I am gone. He tells me there has never been anyone like me in his life but seems to treat me like garbage. Total confusion. I'm sending you hugs, girly. You shouldn't have to go through this for an idiot who is blind. I hope I can see the same for myself in two hours. Wish me luck.

[@SelfCareCafe1st]

@ofspngfreak I wish you luck too, dear! I'm so sorry you're going through the same thing! Mine was here, didn’t want to lose me, cried, and said, "I'm his favorite person in the world! He wanted me to help him make a decision to either stay and seek therapy or to listen to his heart for the past 9 months of being back in my life. I told him to listen to his heart and stick to his decision to break up! This is what he does best! Back and forth! We've been at it since 2021! He leaves me every December, just a few days before my birthday! I'm worth more than that! Never again!

[@ofspngfreak]

@ropesofpearls9758 OH goodness. I want to just hug you right now. You are such a strong woman and I am so proud of you! That was tough! I wish I could just listen to your story right now. Thank you for sharing those details. You are amazing. 👏

[@The_Whimsical_Avoidant]

​@@SelfCareCafe1stI wonder if it's something about the holidays. When I was an unhealed FA, I used to break up before the holidays too. I didn't realize I was doing it until.later in life.

[@Apbt-rv7zw]

You coaches forget to point out how much DA's sabotage their closest loving relationships. Avoidants will cheat on their long-term partners. They are cheaters, and you seem to conveniently gloss over how devastating and bad these behaviours are. Boundaries don't change DAs. Secures also don't like cheating. Remember, Avoidants can show up as secure and then do the bait n switch. Don't make excuses for Avoidants abhorrent behaviours and actions.

[@mooshhhh]

My DA went back into sadism... heavy BDSM. That is her dopamine source - mixed with toxic shame by putting it online. (Her dad was an alcoholic/gambler - and I dismissed that red flag!)

[@r_and_a]

idk why someone's trauma history or sexual preferences would be considered an inherent "red flag"? that framing seems problematic imo. no one's going to be for everyone & it's completely legit to have your own personal "red flags" that indicate incompatibility with your specific desires/etc but that doesn't mean yours are universal

[@deepthoughts87-d4s]

In a f'd up way just tell me ....hey i only am comfortable with this amount but its just all the interesting secrecy and loving people that treat them worse

[@yogaboy55]

I removed myself after being told “moved away to remove stress and drama” that I caused. Thank you for the insight. I’m good as I had set boundaries that required that we work on me being less emotional and she more, to move her DA and my FA into more intimate emotional and spiritual connection that I need. Taking a 6 month time out.

[@tarkov_6]

amazing how much avoidants just "use" people.

[@alissaa2809]

Anxious people use people Just as much. For emotional stability, or as emotional dumpster, or as Something to Project their fantasies on. They Just dont See it, because they think "well , i Just love this Person, how Else should i act?"

[@r_and_a]

@alissaa2809 1,000%!!! then they "use" their exes as a scapegoat to avoid taking responsibility for their *own* actions or working on their own *"personal* development" 🤦 it's "amazing" so many come to material about avoidants seemingly just to vent & spread negativity about them yet don't get how that behavior is problematic

[@gregkelly9775]

Just wondering, at what point do you unblock your fb to them? If at all. Its been about 2 months of no contact now ....Greg in Australia

[@heatherhilderbrand7298]

So if a dismissive does reach out casually, wishing you Merry Christmas etc. What does that mean in terms of what spectrum of avoidance they fall into? Mike said he would not reach out. What’s going on in the mind of a dismissive that does reach out?

[@harry-james-books]

It's about controlling you. These people are narcisistic. They don't want you, but they don't want you enjoying a normal relationship with anybody else

[@Amoki86]

Ask them directly. "Hey, I observe that you are reaching out. What's on your mind?" It could be anything from them missing you to them finally feeling safe to talk to you again with distance to reaching out to a "phantom ex". Don't mind-read. Mind-reading and covert-contracting are insecure behaviour.

[@The_Whimsical_Avoidant]

Sometimes like anyone else they are just saying Merry Christmas. Other times it's an ice breaker because it's the holidays and they're missing you. Unless they directly say what's on their mind, I wouldn't take it any different than when a close friend says Merry Christmas.

[@zlatkajupe]

Just don't engage. They may have genuinely good intentions but chances are they didn't change and old habits die hard. Especially if he's fearful avoidant over dismissive avoidant. You get stuck in a loop of being pushed and pulled by them and it's brutal.

[@krissyh8666]

The insight into the DA’s mind is so triggering. It is such maladaptive behavior, I just don’t understand and I also don’t understand why they are okay with sucking well-intentioned people into their black pit of trauma. Giving a compliment is vulnerable?? Expressing gratitude is vulnerable?? My DA wouldn’t even say my name. What is that about?

[@alissaa2809]

It is in your full responsibility to NOT Date this Person. It reallly is. A Person cant meet your needs? Talk to Them. Nothing Changes AMD they are Not trying? Leave. Just leave. But anxious people tend to avoid vulnerability by almost only falling for avoidants. I Hope that Not you. I am fearful avoidant, and my Boyfriend ist dismissime avoidant. We both try hard and communicate A LOT. Shitty Charakter exists Independently from your Attachment Style offen. I know a Lot of shitty anxious people. Just Take responsibility for you actions and leave. Work on Picking better Partners

[@inspector.gadget]

I have been in a push-pull dynamic with my DA friend (female), I am AP (male). I was in this dynamic for 3 years. Why? Because I saw her potential as a human being where I actually overlooked at her tendencies, which I was skeptical about for a while intuitively. The more DA related videos I watch, I feel bad for her and her current partner / future partners. Well, I tried to tell her about herself / my discovery and to her partner (Another AP) - I got pushed away, so I do not care anymore knowing I tried my best. Not my loss :P

[@johnmay242]

CY CV PATIO CONCEPT

[@johnmay242]

PEN DERA

[@nataliaturner4845]

TLDR, because they suck :)

[@r_and_a]

curious how those who leave comments disparaging an entire group of people on material about that group rarely seem to consider how much their actions look like those they're complaining about 🤔

[@johnmay242]

MILITARY HAVE HONEY BUN WITH BLOOD ON IT. WHITE CODE

[@engincallahan2943]

Just heard about your channel and came to check it out, I gotta ask, do you know any other concepts than “avoidant”? Did you get ghosted by your every crush or what? Looks like to type of channel where most people can blame all of the issues in the relationship to the other one and soothe themselves. Thanks, but no thanks.

[@The_Whimsical_Avoidant]

She's one of the best in attachment theory. Your loss.

[@maxineclark9169]

you need to listen to more of her videos. she talks about other attachment styles and how your attachment style may contribute to the dysfunction of the relationship. My shot in the dark ..... you may be picking the wrong people for a "crush" or you are doing something that pushed the crush away. that's on you and you can learn thru her videos what you are doing and how to change your behavior.

[@engincallahan2943]

@@maxineclark9169 well Ok, I’ll check out a couple, there’s no end to learning, but I learned most these things the hard way through experience therapy and eventually healing, now the only problem is that I mostly see red flags especially at my age (mid 30’s) But all I’m saying is there are so many more types than “avoidant” which exhibit that behaviour and 80% of her titles include that word as if it’s the only thing🤷🏼