Finding a place for cast off parts of yourself after narcissistic abuse

Finding a place for cast off parts of yourself after narcissistic abuse
The behaviors happening in narcissistic families are a ruse. They are a means to an end, and that end is to maintain the narcissistic parent's artificially inflated sense of self-worth. Because these behaviors are not based on fair observations of who the survivor is, there is a disruption in reality. To get through such treatment, survivors of narcissistic abuse, develop three different aspects of their personalities:
* The good-me part, * The bad-me part, * The not-me part
In this video I discuss each one of these aspects, how they develop and how in recovery, one can come into contact with the not-me part of one's existence, and include it in one's sense of themselves.
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[@idontknow-lc8bz]

This is so eye opening. They really are so meticulous with their criticism, something is simple as breathing is enough to be seen as bad by a narcissist dynamic. My parents would get mad at me for putting a cup on the table down the wrong way, if i came home from school and used the back door "too many times" (for some reason it was seen as suspicious to be walking in the yard), not putting the tv back to the channel it's "supposed" to be on, or the way i would speak. Even as an adult i find myself constantly monitoring things that most people would never think twice about. There's the term walking on eggshells but for the scapegoat it's really breathing on eggshells lol

[@firehorse9996]

Really appreciate your comment - (YES You DO Know Lol) - it strikes a chord with me. Just wondering if you watched Jay's video where he talks about a client holding her breath whenever she begins working on her novel. Always holding my breath and now making good progress finally breaking free of an eternal "freeze" response. Yes, we don't even need to be moving (walking) or speaking to be in danger with such NPD parents who come out of NOWHERE and attack the scapegoat for no reason at all. Best wishes in your recovery ;-)

[@idontknow-lc8bz]

@@firehorse9996 thank you for replying!! Yes i saw that video it was really helpful as well and can definitely relate!! Good luck to you as well

[@marycrowley1442]

Just the sight of me would set my mother off.

[@cathymars23]

Yes, putting a cup down the wrong way! Or not putting the cup down the right way! 🤦‍♀️

[@knick9318]

I didn't realize breathing was a trigger for other n people too. Even still now that I'm an adult, if my narcissist dad hears me breathing he will stare at me in an intimidating way and ask if there is something wrong with me, then he'll usually shake his head and walk away. Its really weird

[@Joelswinger34]

This reminds me of something I was told in rehab: "Change occurrs when the pain of staying the same exceeds the fear of change."

[@Katiegirlluv]

Table manners...wow. That's one of the first memories I have of being corrected as a small child. Since then I've been criticized for my academic dreams, professional and relational. I was a confident child who grew into an insecure woman. Despite having a narcissistic mother, I achieved many goals and I now am learning to love myself at 30 years old. 🦋 I see I am a beautiful soul and always was. I am everything she isn't. Survivor 🌺

[@lydiarosebrita4901]

I have a very similar story, I am recovering my confidence as well after having to adopt another way of being to survive and now am making real progress towards my goals. Hope you're doing well! ♥️♥️

[@ASMRyouVEGANyet]

"A confident child who grew into an insecure woman" is an accurate description. Many people just don't get it but the narcs wear down your confidence until you feel useless and don't even bother trying anything.

[@lisaperez8276]

For all the Jameses out there, I’m so sorry you had to deal with that or anything in that neighborhood. What a horrifying experience for an innocent child. Sending everyone a lot of love.

[@mienmiennn]

Loads of love 💕

[@spetsnaz4027]

Wtf is love gonna do about this abuse

[@mmmchocolate140]

Thanks Jay for such great content. Many content on narcissistic abuse on the internet is geared towards adult relationships, but you capture the essence of abuse in the family very well. I look forward to your videos every Sunday!

[@miaw5399]

Things I suffered from by my n parents / family : * criticized for : my clothes (told i was a reflection of my mom to her country club friends and if i did not dress in the style she liked which was awful then i was given facial expressions of disgust or told it was horrible),, what i wanted to eat, how i cooked it, what i wanted to drink, where i wanted to move, my choice as a baby for loving my blanket instead of having a stuffed animal (????), my choice of boyfriend, my job, not liking to drink (they drank and told me “something is wrong with her”), not liking sailing, not wanting to swim in cold ocean water when they did, not wanting to spend time at their parties (“she must not like us!”), wanting the house to be clean (they never cleaned gross 🤮), liking cats instead of dogs, having an interracial boyfriend, leaving anything of mine outside of my room, not allowed to have any personal possessions outside my room (told i was “trashing” “her house for leaving a single comb on the kitchen counter?), yelled at for using a door (lol), list goes on and on and on, parents shut off water to prevent me from showering, mother almost ran me over in a fit of rage in her car and would have if i did not jump out of the way, told all my secrets when i told her not to, lied all the time about things that don’t need to be lied about that just caused so much confusion and almost mental illness i didn’t know what to believe, i could go on and on , sorry this is so therapeutic to get out here i go saying sorry all the time i’m trying to stop feeling so sorry for nothing i did wrong but it’s hard

[@goldieh7121]

Yes, it feels so good to get it all out, And, think it helps us recognize why it's so hard for us to see the reality, that we weren't who they told us we were. So sorry you went through all that💕

[@Katiegirlluv]

I see you! You're not alone.

[@cynthiafortier2540]

You dear one are enough, and so am I!!

[@dawna4185]

wow....soooooo horrible!!! so sorry you had to endure that horrific abuse....sending you many hugs and wishes for wellness, mentally and emotionally xo

[@kimberlywatson6718]

Sweet child, if you are my daughter and this is the right place, I know they were abusing you but I couldn't do anything to stop it. They would not let me have any contact with you or any involvement. I was well aware they were treating you poorly, but the system would not allow me to do anything to stop it. I fought really hard as your mother, but they are poisoning my water and chem trailing my skies. I love you! I am not giving up, sweet heart. I am just tired. I will always love you and still fight as your mom. Your momma just needs to sleep sometimes and rest in between breaks. I love you!!!

[@survivor1313]

I’m recovering from Cptsd as a result of growing up with a narc dad and codependent/enabling mom. I’ve spent over a year in weekly therapy trying to figure out who even am I. But what has me suddenly feeling so broken is that I believe I turned around and harmed my own children, especially my firstborn, because of the trauma of my own worthlessness. I am now able to see myself as the abuser. I’m not narcissistic, but I now realize that I was so traumatized that I was not capable of being even a good enough mother. I feel so devastated. I am having conversations with my children and working to change the dynamics of our relationships.

[@ganasca]

Hi...I see you.. I feel the same :(

[@Peanuts76]

true, as we dealing with a lot of abuse, i just realized that i have some part from my father, i do understand my father probably have the same role as me, i think He also probably a Scapegoat from his old family, as my father do have People pleasing and reckless buying history, while sacrificing himselffor the sake of others, idk how My grsnd parents nurture my father, but i just guessing my father are also Scapegoat, as he are disabled person, his childhood probably pretty harsh and facing many bullies from her siblings, his brother are also Narcissist, i remember a story where my father got betrayed and having hard time to pay college for Dentist Education, and he can pay that in time, Drop out from college and getting work, years later he gone back into college..... those pressure to be successful as my father, definitely i will not maintain that kind of braveness when facing with a lot of challenges.... well there's also flaw, as he is too kind, lend so many money too his friends and colleagues, as my father end up in big debt when he's dead, people pleasing many people, while he got stressed out for his own actions back then, this also the root problem why he attacks his child, (he's stressed out and having high blood pressure) and my mother never understood how hard to become grown up man having so many responsibilitiies and also become politicians for the sake of helping many people..... (Gosh I'm ashamed to tell this stories, he's a great man with a great achievements, his kids never be like him) Great Father, with his own flaws and trauma, i pray to him, God will have good place to my father 🙏, amen

[@survivor1313]

Thank you for sharing. It can be helpful to have understanding about why our parents mistreated and abused us. That doesn’t relieve them of the responsibility of it. I think it’s okay to share stories like this. I am learning how to hold the good memories along with the bad ones. They’re both valid.

[@Joelswinger34]

I think you are wonderful for being so honest with yourself and your children. That takes a lot of courage!

[@chris-vo1nh]

I was bought up in a similar family, we don't know any different, when you hear and see this every day what chance do we have , my dad especially if totally incable of change , he's sees he's acting normally in his dysfunctional way . I know he transfered his dysfunctional programming into me , but we're they are incable of change ,we are , iam learning not to blame myself , that's all we ever new , we can give love , caring, compassion, thought for others , empathy, not criticising but know people have faults are are imperfect, we knew know different. We have a chance for change

[@dapsolita]

I think the " not me" self is particularly fraught for children who were sexually abused by a narcissistic patent.

[@_astromom_]

This makes sense. I was hoping he would go into that.

[@charissaschalk5175]

This is such a good description of how it is! Some of that internal shift has occurred in me just over the past year or so. Before, it would be, 'am I really being selfish, like they say I am? Am I really being stubborn, like they say I am?' Now I feel a lot more freedom to say, 'I don't know, and it really doesn't matter. I'm not doing anyone harm, and I'm taking care of myself. If I'm selfish and stubborn, oh well!' It makes life a lot simpler and easier.

[@RK-qs5dy]

I stumbled upon concept of narc.abuse survivors "authentic self/ protective self/ false self" (don't know the author, but heard it from Michele Lee Nieves) and found that resonating with my inner work. The authentic self is buried so deep inside, because it was so dangerous to be yourself around narc parents. Moreover, it was dangerous to simply exist around them. So spot on with this constant criticism and contempt. Head posture, breathing, going to bathroom, using water etc 🤦 I gradually discovered that all traits I thought were my "personality" - actually were my coping skills and surviving strategies: hyper vigilance, knowing how to solve problems correctly in fields that I'm not expert in, doing tasks in extremely short period, staying productive and don't panic in deadlines and extreme situations, when everybody else is stressed out and so on. I survived such terror and drama that these skills became ingrained so deeply. I even thought that were my "talents" and I'm supposed to work in extreme situations, but something was off. I didn't know why I'm not excited about this, but on the contrary - why am I so unsatisfied and exhausted all the time, except occasional flashes of activity. Now I know that coping skills and survival strategies are not my talents, adrenaline highs are not satisfaction and fulfillment, overall numbness with occasional adrenaline spikes is not life. But it was so painful, scary and overwhelming to discover that all my "personality" was not a personality at all. After being happy to uncover truth in the beginning of the process, which felt freeing, I reached the point, when I felt as if I don't exist at all - "this trait is not me, this trait is not me, and this, and this, where is something from ME??? do I even exist? Am I real?" And on the side note: I always hated personality types such as Mayer-Briggs etc, because I perceive them as "trauma types", not "personality types". And dissociation and disconnection with body is also not a personality trait, but common strategy in surviving extreme abuse.

[@goldieh7121]

Great point about the personality tests! For me, I saw the good side that I showed to my parents as a mask, and my rebellious and dangerous side that I hid from them as my true self. So I suffered from imposter syndrome. While a lot of my good girl persona was used to protect myself and was fake, it contained my kind, empathetic side that is real. But for so long, I thought it was fake, along with the rest of it, and someday I'll get figured out. And often, my parents told me I was manipulative for being kind, or it was in competition with how nice they are. It's all so confusing. But, I think it comes down to accepting all of us first. Maybe our authentic self has been in us the whole time, just mixed in with our survival self

[@goldieh7121]

To add...you are there. You are there in the strength that it took to survive how you were treated growing up. You survived, despite your parents 💕

[@RK-qs5dy]

@@goldieh7121 thank you ♥️

[@goldieh7121]

@@RK-qs5dy 💕

[@lisaperez8276]

Wow 🎯

[@miaw5399]

Can you talk about non sensical thinking after a lifetime of na? I think I dissociated so much without realizing it from na . My logical thinking in certain situations is gone even though I try to hold onto it :(

[@user-ey4rc5tu4t]

Seeing oneself as not what the narcissist has projected. Yes. I used to stare at mirrors, and of course that is taken for narcissism. But the reasoning was that there was some truth reflected there. And that truth was that I’m not their projection.

[@ghostagee5232]

Embracing a sort of pent up life energy, you knew was there but couldn't dare to look into. Discovering new realms of your imagination , essence, that you didn't or were bullied to believe you couldn't possibly possess. All new, shocking, at times overwhelming but liberating nonetheless.

[@tovewahlund6547]

Wow. That spoke to me. Thank you!

[@mishkatzafreen3978]

Please create a video on the experience of a rebellious scapegoat and how narcissistic parents react to the supposed 'threat' (according to them) possessed by said rebellious scapegoat to their 'reign' if you have experience with that. It will be much appreciated and validating. I barely ever see anybody discussing this side of things.

[@TheAylain]

Productive suffering is a great term. I’ve been looking for a way describe the difference between just plan doing the dance over and over again verses what it feels like to do the work of healing.

[@TheAylain]

Thank you!

[@marcodarko6941]

Oh those dreaded school pictures.. they would always, always tilt my head, I did not like that at all. It was always quite a difference between my pictures and those of my two older brothers. That still sticks with me. The straight jacket analogy is spot on, I always felt like I was in a hostage situation, held captive. Very much what it continues to feel like in this world today, this evil, corrupt, global regime smothering free people, stamping them out. Made me more rebellious.

[@LVAngelradio]

"Nobody and nothing." I described it as, having no one and nothing. Which hurts but it's better than being with them. Although, it can be hard to remember.

[@SlumberBear2k]

of all the videos I've seen regarding narcissism on youtube, you are without a doubt one of the best, if not the best, expert on this topic.

[@glad5324]

I agree and I also like Dr Ramani,

[@willowwhite7196]

You are saving lives, sir. Thanks a million!

[@imsunnybaby]

one of my "not me" concepts is a sense of self preservation. also a sense of being connected to others. im able to intellectually recognize how the feeling of isolation i have from my family of origin is completely fabricated even though it plagues me so much

[@catjones2684]

The fiction that James was the sole source of problems in that family. ⚡️

[@sheilawilliams9080]

I’ve wondered why over the years, I would self sabotage relationships, opportunities and feel more comfortable with settling for so little in my life. My narcissistic Mother was invariably angry or depressed and it felt disloyal to actively pursue a life that offered much more than she had.

[@wiser1254]

I always felt this, but always wanted to do better. Unfortunately, part of the message led me to abusive relationships, but the other part led me to over achieving, which ultimately led me out of the narcissistic marriages. So helpful! Thank you!

[@fairygurl9269]

Repurposing Them it is Such a Helpful Skill (smiles) I can recall before my Brothers were even born thinking Maybe today I will be good enough to not get a whooping and what it felt like waiting for the whooping I was gonna get not long after having that hope....much love to others who may not have the total recall but still feel that feeling subconsciously...

[@antjestr1047]

this was really deep, I loved it and it was helpful!

[@jacquelinevandermade8428]

Jay could you start a healing supportgroup online?

[@1957es]

Yes, please. Even if you do it on Patreon, I’d pay. This is the only channel on narcissism that really touches the mind , soul, heart of survivors with practical help and reality of what happened. So much online is shallow and repetitive. It would help so many people, I hope you see this, Jay.

[@mosim9691]

Thank you for using the "sstraight·jack·et" analogy. As per Google, the straight jacket is: anything that severely confines, constricts, or hinders: Conventional attitudes can be a straitjacket, preventing original thinking. verb (used with object). After reading this definition, I cried knowing how my narc father really did put me in a "straight-jacket." Thank you Jay - you are helping me heal.

[@katieg7679]

Omg yes! This is exactly what I'm going through right now. It's weird because I've read about this stuff for years and entertained the belief that maybe something was wrong with my upbringing, but never quite believed it on an emotional level. I've also been talking to a therapist for over a year and she's even said it point blank but still it never quite reached me. But something happened recently where it's like all the sudden I see everything very clearly and there's no doubt in my mind, but with that comes these horrible feelings of hopelessness and despair. Somehow I am tolerating it so far but it's very uncomfortable. I think you need to achieve enough of a sense of self before your mind allows these barriers to slip away. It really sucks right now and I don't have the answers yet, but I feel like I'm closer to healing than I was before.

[@goldieh7121]

I hear you! I think I'm where you are at right now. I have some days where it all seems so clear and I can just focus on me and what I want. These days are few, but I've never had them until recently, and it feels great just to know it's possible. Then I panic, and when I have that anxious feeling my mind starts looking for a reason why I should panic. I'm learning it just takes time because my survival instincts kick in and I become hyper vigilant. I'm trying to find that space between the anxious feeling and the random thoughts that kick in. In that space I tell myself I can feel the feeling without having to explain it. It's starting to help a little. Be patient with yourself, don't beat yourself up for the struggle. I have to keep reminding myself of that. Just starting to see things more clearly is such a huge start for you 💕

[@katieg7679]

​@@goldieh7121 I know what you mean, it's like the second you feel something negative about your family your survival instincts kick in and tell you something horrible is going to happen. I guess this is an echo of that abandonment fear. It's terrifying but also exciting in a way because it means we are becoming stronger people. You're not alone at least! :)

[@goldieh7121]

@@katieg7679 Yes, I remember any time I would pull myself out of a depression and started to feel better about myself, it would be the time they'd tell me they didn't like the person I was becoming. Whenever I started doing anything constructive, they had to tell me about all the things I hadn't been doing up until then. If I stayed small, totally compliant and just the right amount of happy, I was much safer. So actually going above and beyond survival creates a panic. I think my anxiety is through the roof because I am on the precipice of making a daring change in my life. Knowing that's the cause of my anxiety makes me feel a better, and, yes, a little excited if I really think about it ☺️

[@katieg7679]

​@@goldieh7121 Yes, I can totally relate. I remember being in therapy years ago and I the look of disappointment on my mom's face when I told her my therapist gave me a clean bill of health. Didn't click at the time but it all makes sense now. My mom always loved my self deprecating humor, my social ineptitudes, my lack of style, made her feel better about herself. In order to feel connected to her I need to feel bad about myself. So feeling good about yourself sparks disconnection with your mom and existential panic. Hard to believe all this is real sometimes but the proof is in your feelings.

[@goldieh7121]

@@katieg7679 Sheesh, your mom sounds so much like mine. A long time ago, a therapist sent me to a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with ADD. My parents were all "we knew your issues had nothing to do with us". I finally later realized my inability to focus came from being constantly interrupted by the needs of others and the hyper vigilance of focusing on what others might be thinking or needing from me. They say we marry our fathers (my ex was emotionally abusive behind the scenes, like my dad), I ended up befriending my mother often, throughout my life. I was venting about a good friend that I finally realized was toxic, to my massage therapist, and she commented "she sounds an awful lot like your mother". This friend always needed to feel appreciated and was always comparing herself to others to feel better about herself. She also acted like she was the only one that would ever be there for me. Like I was so socially inept, but that's okay, she loves me anyway (as long as I am compliant and didn't disagree with her).

[@edgreen8140]

Great conceptualization Jay!

[@goldieh7121]

So helpful! It seems all of your videos are right on track with where in at in my healing journey. I've been struggling after the recognition of how I developed a warped view of me and the world growing up. I think the term dysphoric groundlessness is perfect in describing how I feel when I to emotionally pull away from the old views of myself and people that have created these views. It's hard to shake old patterns that were so protective while growing up, and it's scary to create a whole new perspective and life while experiencing the dysphoric groundlessness. I was also made to believe that struggling just means I'm doing something I shouldn't. But, when I feel in a state of panic, I have been trying to shift my thought patterns to asking myself what I am feeling and what I want or need at that moment. I'm also trying to accept the struggle as a chance for growth. I have also been questioning the way I structure my life. So, this video is so right on point and validating as I begin this part of my journey. Thank you 💕!

[@a.m.2239]

How deep the fear of being at oneself is, is a horrible truth of the consequences of FSA. I just break out of the attachment of serving the other first, instead of myself. Strangewise, that I didn't do that in my 20/30 ies, I developed that attention obsession for the partner after a longterm relationship in my 40ies. It's key to be myself, opening back my power. TX for your exquisite teachings! I love your heartful way of explaining.

[@user-rh9jg9fu7z]

When you leave the narcissistic system you don't know yourself at all and you also realize that you've never been known

[@mienmiennn]

Thank you so much 💕love and healing for everybody🌷

[@RippleDrop.]

Excellent notion that it is a significator of falseness that someone needs to insist something about another person! Scapegoat here!

[@firetopman]

I learned that unexpected compliments that throw you into a dysregulation are best handled with a simple, "Thank you," and a smile, and then we can all move on immediately. The drama of reacting and negating the compliment makes everything even worse and prolongs the agony and insults the person who complimented you. It's awful, isn't it? Until we learn the tools for triggers.

[@Peanuts76]

don't know why i become disgusted when Narcissist compliment me, i do faking my emotions by trying to be welcome, just for the sake of politeness and social norms, but yeah, it's annoying, when we ignored and don't care for Narcissist actions, Narcissist gonna take it as a personal attacks and insults, and they gonna revenge on you, making new problems, annoys you, try to provoke you, and even trapping you and gaslit you, then telling you there's nothing wrong, while in fact we do now it's all Narcissist done behind ourback

[@firetopman]

@@Peanuts76 Do you have to be around this person? I hope you can get out and live your life. Happy Day to you. (I don't celebrate since I found out it's not what we think it is.)

[@Peanuts76]

@@firetopman bruh, that's my sister done to me in the past 10 years, i do have my own flaws, but im raised as Scapegoat.... well, i still try to, i write all my assets, and my obligations, as i always helping my family while neglect my own issues, i know it kind a stupid, but i was raised that way, and I'm deeply depressed, just for this whole year i do stupid things for the sake of self hatred and Suicidality.... but well, guess i try to escape than wasting my life for Narcissist....

[@Peanuts76]

@@firetopman thank you for caring, don't know why my mood are so negative, it might be because since i was child, my family always hating and criticize me, everything always negative, sorry if it's kind a the same as rant

[@Peanuts76]

@@firetopman my Narcisist rarely compliments, as i remember, she never compliments, and she can't even saying "care to help me?" she also can't say sorry, never acknowledge if she's even having done wrong and when there's a problem, she will shift the blame to others, whether it's money, people, weather, her friends, her uncle, her siblings, everytime there's problem she will push the problem to other people and telling people must behave this and that, basically a Drama Queen.... man, it's exhausting to be around her.... sigh, i just become negative living in years with her, sorry again... oh, and thank you btw....

[@alisonhilaryco1898]

Thank you! Excellent video! I find when I can say, ‘this sucks!’when I realize how nothing works and my life is set up for failure, it makes me feel like I can accept it and accept myself as I am, and then move further thru to more and more healing and processing change. I can feel horrible bouts of fear, failure, shame but once I say it out loud, journal and hear myself I can extend myself compassion. Normalizing pain and suffering in healing is so important. Because I find if I resist and think ‘I shouldn’t be feeling this’ that’s when self hate comes in to scoop me back in to dysfunction and my old role. Thank you 🙏

[@LisaSmith-yb2uz]

I love 💗 your analogies and metaphors and your sincere explanations! 😊👍Personally, i have come to view it, in hindsight, as like living in a land mine and yet, being bound to act as though you are not (or else you’ll set it off) until you can manage to find an escape to ‘assess the damage’ and start healing ❤️‍🩹

[@suzannebunbury2961]

Thank you for this nuanced and caring message. You’re a lifesaver ❤️

[@Charlotte_breathes_fire]

I needed this. Knowing that this weird time of kind of numbness mixed with remnants of mourning is actually a part of healing. It doesn't feel like it, but I believe Jay. What was it he said, something like....Sitting with the discomfort of not thinking and behaving how the narcissists have molded us to be... That's a part of healing, and it will eventually open up space to be ourselves. I'm so eternally thankful for all the wisdom shared on KZbin. Amazing people. ❤

[@CrawfishCuban]

Jonathan Talor Thomas really out here doing gods work.

[@saracoffey5454]

Just discovered this channel. This video described the stage I am in perfectly. This helped ground me because I realize my pain is productive. Thank you.

[@izawaniek2568]

Thank you for great observations and advice.?

[@stanleydrive740]

Dear Jay, you are truly saving lives. I thank you so very, very much🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡

[@virginiawalker4922]

So enjoying your videos. They really put into words all the feelings I've felt, confusion, why I have felt certain ways after/during the abuse. Thank you so much!

[@phoenixd9679]

Thank you 💜! I subscribed, thankful to find your channel because I got so much help for my recovery with videos as yours on KZbin and books, now this is my state for recovery I need to go through , to like myself 💕

[@mariamalhotra8228]

Binge-watching your channel...your videos are so healing and enlightening

[@twofierce]

Very helpful! Thank you!

[@onewomancircus]

I found this video so powerful. I'd really love to hear more from you about healing the bad me 🙏

[@maitri1429]

Wonderfully helpful, Jay. Thank you. The suffering stage has been almost unbearable but your video is the first thing I've found that addresses this kind of agony.

[@nickdesmone]

excellent video...it really is like stepping out of & peeling back illusion after illusion

[@adamb7120]

Wow this makes complete sense... thankyou

[@therealdeal3672]

As the family scapegoat, and CSA survivor, even at age 62, 11 years no contact with surviving siblings, I still feel that life sucks. And that I'm not good enough and wonder how I can ever measure up. I've had major challenges over the last three years with health. Making slow progress in regaining my health after severe covid and being treated for a rare infection for the last year. Recent extreme stressors that I had no control of have me deeply feeling the CPTSD symptoms and wondering how a bright, capable person like myself feels like such a loser. Admittedly I'm in a low moment. But these burdens put on me in infancy and childhood continue to weigh me down. It's really hard to be happy when you feel like in spite of efforts and want to, that I haven't managed to make myself whole or nearly as successful as my inate potential suggests I should be. 🤦

[@carolinespooner6349]

Excellent information and presentation. You are doing great work and helping lots of people. Thank you.

[@KasiaZosia04723]

Amazing inside…thank you…

[@2rythm797]

Amazing content and presentation. My therapist did not even explained this to me. Thank you for sounding this up.

[@tessellatiaartilery8197]

Brilliant insights. Very clear and helpful. Thank you very much. I have watched several of your videos and they are all excellent.

[@HeartFeltGesture]

Since it is true, there are fates worse than death, the narcissistic parent should be charged and jailed for life without parole, for psychologically trying to destroy another human being, their own child no less.

[@emil5884]

Very good video. I had the same craving for what's real, and embarked on a pretty serious spiritual journey while studying philosophy at university far, far away from my family of origin, all of it in order to find something true that I could hold on to. I can see now where that came from and understand that part of myself better. Out of this understanding, I can give myself more license to realise my emerging new self. I seldom find videos this helpful, so exceedingly well done, Jay. Thank you.

[@sashalawrence4786]

One example for me was the use of the word “she” when referring to my mom in conversation with someone. She decided it was disrespectful and Would go nuts I’d have to remember to find a work around . Countless times she would take new arbitrary behaviours and decide they were rude insolent and obviously punishable.

[@dark7angel456]

I wish you could do a example of my experience Jay. This all hits the nail on the head in my self... My experience was to suppress my emotions...judged by parents as in not being what they thought i would be. And no close connections in life even in my 30s. Never had a great birthday celebration most of my life from any friends... Not feeling important and feeling small and distant from everyone, having to change to feel right. Not feeling comfort or joy around many... feeling shut down and hurt too much because of people taking over my character and feeling taken over by their ignorance. Always wanting to hide from people

[@uyoebyik]

I am no contact with my family. I afraid of making friends. I confided a lot about my family with a new friend but now I regret it

[@dbabbit5286]

Same. My last "friend" started treating me just like the narcs I left behind, and I'm so hurt. I am done peopling.

[@uyoebyik]

@@dbabbit5286 have a listen to Denzo Mos channel

[@sophiegrace9423]

Amazing🙌🏻

[@_astromom_]

Yes I understand and know why it's hard to describe it. You say straight jacket. I've described it as being a toothpick that can't move. It's hopeless when in that part.

[@dotsyjmaher]

I started hyperventilating immediately..but I am going to finish..and probably really look at why I really went off after you first started talking about "James"

[@olafwitt7246]

Thank you.

[@maryroot2599]

Great talk, Jay. You address the things I am struggling with.

[@DJCHomestay]

Think I need to change my names to "James". Because this video was all about me. Lol!

[@juneelle370]

Wow…incredible insights Ego is so lost… it sees love as weakness They are so crazy and yet, so many are in power as ego is much of the culture and they sure as heck are in power in the home If I have the guts (and I think I do and I really want to do this all the way in a big way, it’s just I’m scared…like on an internal physiological level… I can handle it psychologically and spiritually because spiritual helps transform the psychological for me and also more and more mental understanding comes in time and repetition and integrating new understanding in all the parts of me… it’s the fear and frozenness and so many bodily feelings and emotions going in so many different directions and combinations in my internal body… it’s hard to explain) to do what it takes to ultimately actively integrate this information inwardly and express into my outward experience from this healthy perception, this will be the greatest spiritual journey of my life. I want to find ways to do it softly but I’m also going to have to push a lot… or no maybe most times actually just sail… learn a lot of breathing stuff like you said…. And music/dance/singing a big tool… a huge endeavor… 🙏I can do it … I can see how each and every one of us have a unique and special journey to healing… and God wouldn’t make that journey impossible~no way! It wont be hard like the bad days… only mostly challenging AND rewarding ❤️🌊⛵️🌊💙

[@jamiestumps6146]

Thank you so much!

[@braveheart7783]

thank you

[@CanadianBear47]

i think this is the gnawing feeling i was talking about

[@quantumfineartsandfossils2152]

people are not stupid yes I learnt everything learn from them

[@amberfuchs398]

Okay, so this is like their imperative thinking "should, have to, must, ought to, etc" being internalized/introjected, and then we have to untangle that as adults.

[@chickenbiscuit4525]

Probably in the case of James's, we'd all admire someone like a referee to just exact the time to step in and adjudicate the matter. Matters would always be different if the were a benevolent not me riding on our shoulders. 🙏 Unpacking..? It's often better a tough job that's real than a good me bad me ongoing life experience.

[@Amylyn..]

I told my story to A friend and he told me ... People off themselves for a tenth of what i been through

[@user-rh9jg9fu7z]

My nephew James was treated just like the James in your example

[@leeboriack8054]

Meticulous criticism: my ex narc partner complained I was too happy, my chewing annoyed him and I should be able to read his mind or eye expressions and not ask questions.

[@ApolloCrowe]

wow.

[@jasonsilverberg3170]

San Francisco!!! Did you drove or did you n flew?

[@kaworunagisa4009]

Huh. So that's where that came from. My Sister Dearest has been dabbling in psychology as long as I can remember, and being a f-ing malignant narc, she's always abused the hell out of it. And apparently she hijacked the idea of Not-Me because one of her fave manipulation techniques is to hit where it hurts most, and then say (or imply) that if you're opposing something vehemently, that means the thing you're opposing is _definitely_ you. I kind of discarded the whole concept completely because the only way I've seen it used was by Sister Dearest, but apparently there's something to think about. Very carefully. And with as much self awareness as possible.

[@suzannebunbury2961]

Wow! Bless you and your good and brave self. You’re on your way to authenticity. My really sympathize with you both of my parents were narcs malignant and covert. It was so torturous and confusing. I hold hope for us. Jay’s teaching has been nurturing and compelling for me. Take care of you. ☀️

[@d.h.fremont3027]

Survivors of a monster family.

[@worldsyoursent.1635]

🙏

[@twhite8308]

Interesting topic, a little confusing

[@oldcrone]

My narcissistic sister doesn't come over my house anymore because I wont tolerate her abusive behavior.

[@Amylyn..]

Those parts dont belong to me ❤❤❤❤❤❤ ...... Thank God