"I am defective" - Beliefs often held by scapegoated children

[@emmabrooker166]

This feeds in terribly to issues of procrastination, avoidance, limiting beliefs, general 'failure to launch', in my experience.

[@spetsnaz4027]

That’s why they did it blame you destroy you no blame for them to die they lie

[@survivorsoflies2448]

so right

[@CBrown86]

I worked cleaning businesses with my parents for three years and saved up enough money to pay for my drivers ed and a beater car. Thats all I had to show for working that long but obviously they weren’t even paying me minimum wage. When I couldn’t take the abuse anymore and ran away they canceled my correspondence course for high school (which they forced me to take bc they wouldn’t allow me to attend high school) and they kept the car. Gave it to a relative that destroyed it and then they drove it for a while until it died. Had to start life out with literally nothing and it caused me to jump into some really bad relationships looking for some kind of security or support system.

[@fluffyclouds555]

Same. I know this intimately. It takes me so long to do most tasks, even if they’re ordinary tasks

[@diatribe5]

I’m an underachiever, and I think this all has something to do with that.

[@maryfowles807]

Having no one when you step out of the scapegoat role is really accurate and such a good point to keep in mind

[@margaretwilkinson8188]

yes!

[@jnl3564]

Yes I remember feeling like I would eventually have no one because just couldn’t step into the scapegoat role. I was made to feel like my defect was my inability to be criticized. Like I had failed everyone and myself by not just being what they wanted. That I was too arrogant to admit I was bad and wrong. Even though I was in a world of pain, I couldn’t just submit. They just made my life more and more miserable until I moved away. It was a catch 22 anyway. Knowing what i know now, it would have been better to just admit I WAS alone and feel that terror as a teenager. I truly was alone anyway.

[@makaylahollywood3677]

@@jnl3564 I can relate. Be kind to yourself. Sending good energy.

[@IAM-bg3ml]

@@jnl3564 wow, you put into words so well my experience within my family as well. Helps to know we’re not alone in surviving and recovering from this devastating experience, even though we were/are alone within the family that should have kept us safe and made us feel protected, cherished and loved.

[@judywinters8615]

it is so hard I struggle so much. I catch myself saying to myself all day long: "Will you please love me?" over and over. my family is no where near me except with a house $$ but their malicious abuse has all but killed me

[@LeslieHeartsIL]

Having this explained has saved my life. As my life got better, the entire family mobbed me. I went no contact 3 years ago and learning what happened to me has helped so much. I was baffled for decades and tried everything to improve myself to get their love and approval. It was never going to happen. The better I got the more abusive they became. It's an abusive cult, the narc family system.

[@dnk4559]

Thank you for this reminder. The healthier and happier I’ve gotten the more my siblings despise me. The narcissistic parent has passed and I thought we might finally have peace.

[@perfectcirq]

These videos are literally like a life line out of a deep dark well - thank you for not only understanding - but taking the time to put it out in our universe.

[@SN-bl6xm]

I am the scapegoat in my toxic family. My narcissist mother grew up as the golden child in her family with a narcissist mother. So my mother growing up like that, did a very good job in being a terrible evil narcissist mother to my siblings and me. I am 45 years old and still trying to heal. What helped me a lot was to hear that the narcissist mother decides on the strong, independent, successful child to be the scapegoat. I realized that, yes, my mother was always jealous of me. Nothing is wrong with me! She’s not just evil, but a sad and unhappy person. It makes me feel better, that she actually was always jealous.

[@b_b_b5146]

Sorry to hear that 😔 In my experience, I feel worse when I recognize that my malignant narcissistic parents had always been jealous of me. I mean, what kind of "momma and daddy" would be jealous of their own children? It's saddening but, at the same time, knowing that gives us relief because we realize that it has nothing to do with us at all. May you be blessed 😊

[@bethmoore7722]

Same with my mother. Other people have praised my appearance, but I’ve always felt ugly. She did that. She was jealous, and obsessed with appearance. Both my parents were. That’s why two of my younger brothers and I have had eating disorders. My anorexia has been a result of feeling ugly, defective, and totally unacceptable. Im so glad I found out it was nothing to do with who I really am.

[@SN-bl6xm]

@@bethmoore7722 I am sorry also you have a evil mother. My mother and her husband told me I am worth nothing and I will always be a nothing. My sister also has eating disorders. I never thought about why she has anorexia. But yeah, that could be because of our evil mother.

[@christar9527]

My egg donor was the golden child in her family too and came out with, I believe, narcissistic personality disorder. My father was no better. They truly are evil. If you research it you find that out. Experiencing it firsthand for many decades or less will tell you the same. Their father is the father of lies....none other than Satan himself.

[@survivorsoflies2448]

yes

[@kennethaustin9828]

Sounds like my childhood 63 and finally free! I think of the abuse I experienced as a child as a kind of child molestation. I went no contact 15 years ago.

[@lesliegann2737]

I know it well, also glad to be free. Another term for it is emotional incest (you aren't allowed to have any boundaries or to be a separate person).

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

Freedom never loses its gloss! I am sorry that happened to you. I went v low contact with my parents only very recently. At the moment they still think I will apologise to them......... Did your family let you go? Did they smear you to cousins and aunts etc?

[@christar9527]

I see it as child sacrifice. No different than parents physically killing their child to offer to a deity or something.

[@honoryourself2098]

Profoundly comforting video, being neglected in this way generally is so largely overlooked

[@freedomwarrior5087]

It's severe abuse the neglect just follows.

[@belovedchild9812]

I found it comforting too.

[@TheBlackSheepDiaries]

I am defective, they made sure of it.

[@honoryourself2098]

I feel like we can defuse that belief though, like “yeah I’ve got some defects, so what!? I never claimed to be perfect” (Unlike certain narcissist parents) They just wanted to dump their shame on us, but having imperfections is normal so we can just refuse to take it onboard. Unfortunately though, often we still have unconscious loyalties to these people, and we’ve been conditioned to self sabotage.

[@freedomwarrior5087]

@@honoryourself2098 - I'm not on board with the theory of the narcissists deep shame, they have little to no ability to self reflect. That's just a nice way to try to make sense of it all in my opinion. They are just master projectors.

[@CS-rb4qi]

“Being the way they naturally are is associated with that state of dysphoria and despair - the abandonment depression”. Oh, wow. Yes. 😳

[@Margo-oj5yc]

Woah. For as long as I can remember, I have felt something I can only describe as being "afraid of myself". This is the first time it has made any sense to me at all

[@christar9527]

He hit the nail right on the head! 😳😫

[@adelaidemorningstar1870]

The scapegoat child lives in a minefield of strategy

[@seekingthemiddleway4048]

My earliest memory is of attending a children's party. The mother was sweet and kind to me - I was about 3 - and I remember thinking, "She thinks I'm somebody else".

[@beezlejazzle]

So much. Those teachers who think I am smart, well-behaved, and worthy of their praise are obviously confused!

[@firefly4704]

That is so sad...but I get it.

[@twelfthhour]

Oh my gosh! So sorry. So relatable.

[@adelaidemorningstar1870]

When the child plays the role as defective or bad seed this offers credibility to the narcissistic parent and actually is a survivor strategy,it mean less abuse and the parent feels justified to see they were right,,,, minimizing the abuse.

[@elfriedesteinhauer2047]

my experience is/was that my evil narcissistic mother turned up the volume of her mistreatments the more I seeminly fit into the role of "bad" (which in my case was a completely silenced, fearful and shut-down little girl) child.

[@davspa6]

That's a good point. I have procrastination issues and clutter in my apartment that people in my church have recently helped me to clean. Plus I have a labor job even though I had a very high IQ as a child plus a college degree. So now it's like he's (and my brother, the "successful" one) justified in seeing me as the problem... I think my dad doesn't want to do that to me anymore though. He has tried to improve himself genuinely, but psychologically I feel that pressure as you're saying, that now this justifies my being the one with the "problem"😣

[@loriheuer2199]

you are 100% correct. I was put down from day one. i was incredibly social--could see thru the family narc system and in the ened I became filled with anxiety and always thought I did not matter nor did I ever feel safe. My father abused me physically,mentally,emotionally and so did my mother as well as the 4 flying monkeys. The more i accomplished in adulthood the more they put me down. And I finally got done with all of them after both parents passed. No one cared for me. They said i was unworthy of life or birthday celebrations or any acknowledgement ever at all. The stronger and more I did the more I was put down covertly. And I was never held os said "good Girl" I was always bad and yet I think I was the most aware and kind of my entire famil. Parents dead. Done with siblings. Still scared and wondering wh thank you!y I dont feel OK even though I am and many adore me .. for how I have created my life. I just have hard time feeling or trusting anyone including myself.

[@SherAngad]

WOW Lori - i really resonate with your experience. Thank you for sharing this... I'm virtually the same with my family. It's so weird to recieve love from others after what I experienced with my family my whole life

[@quantumfineartsandfossils2152]

Me too you are amazing! +1 resonates

[@28jewelsboogie]

Me three. Thank you for sharing and so sorry that all of us have gone through the disrespect, negligence and having to find a road less traveled. ❤

[@dnk4559]

Same with my siblings now that narcissistic parent has passed.

[@tonibergemann5591]

Omg this made me cry. I found out I had a narcissistic mother at 55 but in all other videos about scapegoats I had never realised that she had made me defective to make herself superior. Now I understand why I never believed in myself. Thank you soooo much.

[@Embracetherandom]

WOW! I’ve been in therapy for 40+ years. I suffer with chronic depression, anxiety, extreme low self esteem, extreme self hatred, and on top of all that a very severe eating disorder. My household consisted of a narcissistic mother, older brother and a father who lives with his head up his ass. Your videos were like a lightbulb that lit up my whole head! I cried a lot throughout the videos, which is good because I never cry, It felt cathartic. It put soooooo many things into perspective for me. I often beat myself up for my extreme negative thoughts and why can’t i stop this! Im such a failure! Now I totally understand. It took me 40 years to finally get it. Thank you so much for sharing !

[@slyholio]

Possibly the most important video I've ever seen. This was my experience growing up with a cognitive disability that was framed as a behavioral issue by my narc mother. Growing up with the belief that my entire identity was not good enough caused me immense pain throughout my 20s. I'm only just starting to heal now and I know it will take some time. Thank you for what you do, I can't put into words how important it is to feel truly seen like this to someone in my situation.

[@MD-vb1hq]

I have watched lots of videos related to these topics and I just have to say that no one is tackling these specific issues and speaking on my experience as precisely as you. I did EMDR for this belief 2 yrs ago and you're hitting on things i must have missed about it. Your work is truly a gift to my healing. Thank you for doing this important work.

[@emmalouie1663]

what's really messed up: as a young person I was talking to my family doctor and counselors about depression and anxiety but they always claimed it was merely that a person is born with DEFECTIVE BRAIN CHEMISTRY, they never ever talked about neglect, abuse, personality disorder, medical professionals led me as a patient to believe that my brain chemistry was genetically faulty... and it was a waste of time

[@trudibarraclough478]

I seem to have collected narc partners and friends who also scapegoated me. 66 now and finally aware that it's my choice and that not hearing that brainwashing empowers me to like myself. Strength to strength. The better it gets, the better it gets 😁

[@missstarrynight7736]

When I was a child, I was constantly reminded, that I am 'defective'. Projection, gaslighting, projective identification, more gaslighting.... . My father hates that I like to learn, get knowledge, become wiser. So, I'm 'stupid' , 'abnormal' or 'mentally ill'. According to my grandmother, I was a 'weirdo', 'difficult', unlikeable burden'. I remember when I asked my friend, who is a life coach by the way, how abnormal I am. And she told me I am really normal and likeable. It took 3 years, before I internalized it. I was terrified that I am normal from her perspective. A few other friends ,who know my story, also told me I am normal and totally likeable, nice person. I totally agree with Mr. Jay's words... it's like you live in alternative reality, parallel cosmos ,next to your family. I tried to adapt to it. Now I resist it.

[@jonathanuniverse9302]

Another great video that I very much relate to as an adult survivor and former scapegoat child. No allies and no friends for the scapegoated child in the narcissistic family - so true. The sad thing is that even after I managed to convince the rest of the family that my father is a raging narcissist psychopath, there is still a residual belief that I am somehow defective, as a result of the brainwashing the family received. Thank you Jay Reid for these informative and extremely helpful videos.

[@lesliegann2737]

I've had a similar experience with a narcissist mother, who has since passed on. I have one younger sibling. Even though he read one book about it and knows our mother was a narcissist, there was still some subtle treatment of me being defective/weird etc. It is particularly sad when the abuse carries on beyond the grave. I had no other choice but to go no contact with him rather than have my old abandonment wounds reactivated.

[@DagmarAmrein]

@@lesliegann2737 yes! Ive been experiencing the scapegoated role 30 yrs after my parents passed on through my brothers. Always, hoping that they would see that Im a good person. Nope, its never enough. Ive been in therapy for 3 yrs now, doing EMDR, and on my own this type of research, which is so incredibly helpful! My brothers never got help, so one acts as if he is better than (he was the golden child), and the other one , continued to be sucked in with narcissistic partners, and has no voice, and allows their abuse. Im done! But yes, the abuse continues after the narcissist passes, because they conditioned the others in the family to play certain roles. Much of this is so subtle. It takes courage for us to look deep within ourselves, take responsibility for our lives now to recover. It can continue to be a lonely road, but well worth it!! Best to you :)

[@lesliegann2737]

@@DagmarAmrein Well said and thank you. You're so right that much of this can be so subtle. At first it leaves you doubting your own perceptions until you start to see patterns. It became more apparent to me when I looked at what was missing - that it is more about what they don't say or do. Such as: a lack of curiosity about you, no validation, doesn't listen to your opinions etc. It boils down to a lack of respect when there is no valid reason for it.

[@Lyrielonwind]

@@lesliegann2737 One thing they do is asking a question about your life or your concerns and opinions and when you are answering they turn their backs on you or chance subjects to show you they could't care less.

[@petakucas7389]

Wow this has landed at the right time . 54 and still confused

[@LisaSmith-yb2uz]

☺️ 48, and i am too! (I think it just becomes a daily learning and discovery of our actual life becoming more real) 👌❣️

[@freedomwarrior5087]

I've been learning about it non stop for 4 years now and I'm 56. It gets better, but it's a lot of work. I'm the scapegoat with an overt narc father and covert narc mother which makes it even more complicated.

[@belovedchild9812]

Keep at it. It gets better with time and work. I was 51 when I figured it out. I’m 54 now and doing so much better. His videos are top notch and I’ve watched a lot of videos. I wish you the best in your healing journey. ❤️

[@petakucas7389]

Thank you 🙏

[@TheBlackSheepDiaries]

57? Hell, I can't hardly keep up anymore. Definitely defective!

[@marycrowley1442]

When I was 14 my grandmother told me that she wanted to let me know that she knew I was alone and had nobody. She didn’t step up to the bat and be there for me but her validation of my situation was comforting. I am 63 and it still comforts me today that someone in my family validated my struggle.

[@LucaAnamaria]

That kinda sounds abusive on her part: seeing your struggle, letting you know she sees it, but then doing nothing about it. I guess her validation is still better than nothing, but ultimately, you deserved a caring and loving adult by your side so that you wouldn't have to struggle as much or at all.

[@LucaAnamaria]

I hope you've found good people. ❤ And if not, I hope they will be on their way soon!

[@marycrowley1442]

@@LucaAnamaria I can’t imagine knowing that one of my granddaughters were in an abusive situation and not staying by their side. It would be my priority.

[@LucaAnamaria]

@@marycrowley1442 Same here.

[@glowgirl8171]

This is how I felt my entire life.I had a narc father and a cruel mother. At my lowest, I thought that God had chosen me to be the one He could laugh at. If I cried after my father tore me to shreds emotionally, he'd call me "an actress". This continued into my adult life. It's taken me decades to figure things out and this video helps so much. Thank you.

[@TimesUp8888]

If it helps. I now believe that God did choose us before we were born to be his Chosen People (amongst many others) in the End. The last shall become first. Everything is upside down rn in this earthly world. Narcs will not inherit God's Kingdom. Sending love from another scapegoat 💗

[@karenthompson5539]

I am concluding through all I've learned about being the scapegoat child that both of my parents were narcissists. I was devastated 2 years prior to my father's death in 2021 at 97 when he announced to me (in my late 50s) he had been trying to figure out "what was wrong with me" my entire life. He had concluded it was a fall I took when I hit my head. I am a highly intelligent, thoughtful, sensitive, generous and accomplished adult.

[@Margo-oj5yc]

Your discussion of the social anxiety of the scapegoated child is the first time I have ever heard someone describe what I feel every day. Rejection isn't the thing that really scares me. Social interactions that go "well" are so painful that the pain actually drives me to self harm. I will do literally anything to avoid that feeling.

[@KasiaZosia04723]

Same.

[@guinevereinthefield176]

Yes, I think that’s because we don’t believe in ourselves enough to maintain them.

[@leahflower9924]

I think that's why I binge eat

[@charissastella8920]

Sorry could you guys explain why social interactions that go “well” are so painful? Isn’t it supposed to go well since the self limiting belief didn’t sabotage it?

[@Margo-oj5yc]

@@charissastella8920 That is exactly Dr. Reid's point, that it is supposed to make you feel better, and for most people in this situation it does make them feel better, but instead it makes you feel worse. I don't really understand the reasons behind it and I do hope Dr. Reid will expand on it in a later video or blog entry. All I know is that it is my reality and Dr. Reid told me I am not alone, not some kind of a freak, that this is a common response to what I have been through. I want to understand it better, but just knowing that someone else has experienced the same thing means the world

[@applesoranges8015]

Mom made all four of her children feel like they're defective! None of us are happy!! She hated her children, her husband, and her life. She was a failed narcissist!!

[@valariemetzger861]

Amongst all the horrible stuff that I’ve dealt with, there is one thing that’s forever etched in my mind… When I was a pre teen, mom and I got in some petty argument and she told me, “I bet you look in the mirror all disgusted with yourself.” It is true and I still do to this day. 😭 Thank you for your content. It really is helping me with my long-awaited healing.

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

In the first couple of decades of adulthood, I used to feel that no advice applied to *me* , because going out in to the world to try and improve your lot was for ''other people''. I didn't know how I was different from other people, but I knew that I was. I knew that if I started something, I probably wouldn't finish it because there was no momentum behind me. I knew if I competed for anything, eg, a better job I would not be the chosen candidate. So advice that seemed sensible and well-meaning to ''other people'' just didn't seem to apply to me. I am in my own corner now so there is a bit more momentum behind me now.

[@bbdeer8795]

I thought I was the only one who experienced this. I never felt like I deserved anything I went after. I felt that competing against others was futile.

[@AI1983-r1k]

I am 41 years old, independent,mentally strong, and in very good shape with strong boundaries... everything is all good and well. I found out after 40 years it was all not my fault I felt defective and had to accept everybody's bad treatments all my life (parents, all so called friends and lovers) I found out I am a very empathic person and they all wanted to rob me of it, I decided not to become bitter and made it even bigger and use it for myself...I am now strong, and not weak! But 0 friends, and no social things going on...I am a little awkward in this part (and still very cautious) My life is better then It ever was now without anyone in it. I am very sure, and do not want to let anyone break it again. Also I am still struggling with following my dreams and worth, enjoying things like even a movie is hard. It's this part that I still have to overcome...it feels like the final part. I am aware but still....I guess it takes some more tjme, and I know for sure this is the final stage and all I need overcome to have a normal life. Overcome selfworth and self allowance to enjoy thing in life...and worthy of having friends and a social life. This Is just wierd and f#cked up programming from my mother and all social people anterior in life, I know. But knowing isn't enough. ...It's really hard next to impossible for me allthough I am very sure I'll get there some day 💪

[@10Hags5]

True..I never received any compliments from family members but at school and sometimes strangers used to call me bright, handsome, good company etc but I was too damaged to even believe them.

[@freedomwarrior5087]

The pathology of a narcissistic parent both overt or covert aren't really trying to buffer anything, that core self does not exist. Everything they experience is completely superficial and they need to be superior at all times and will control their inside and outside reality in accordance. They have the complete inability to be accountable for anything. When you are the scapegoated family member they are literally out to destroy you, the sadism runs deep. They put on a good show for other people don't let it fool you………RUN!

[@guinevereinthefield176]

I can relate to this so much and I’m so glad you have posted about this. It was a pervasive feeling I became aware of as I got older and it resulted in feeling like I didn’t belong in the world, that normal human life (I now realise that meant being alive at all, tbh) was not for me. I felt like an alien on my own planet and not in a good way, but in a way that I would never be able to survive on my own. I didn’t belong, I wasn’t able to do what they could. I was told I was intelligent but had no common sense. Yet the irony was I was very capable, very strong, and highly successful on the outside. School, teachers, friends, family, neighbours - my self-perception from them was all in direct contrast to the one given within the household: “They don’t know you like we do” I’d be told. I’d be shocked when people actually stopped and listened to what I had to say - I’d get nervous the longer they were listening - and preferred to write stories down rather than tell them. I’d be surprised when they wanted to be my friend, when people “out there” seemed to like me, when maybe just maybe I could become a part of the world too and not a defective, weird outsider. It took me until my late 30s to realise there had been literally nothing wrong with me (beyond normal human flaws), that I was a confident, intelligent child and I had everything I needed to become a strong, participating adult. It was as I showed increased independence that I began to be chipped away at. That’s another thing I learned - it is ok to have flaws and vices, that is human and we are actually in some a ways entitled to them! They do not mean we are pathologically imbalanced, which is something else altogether.

[@markartist8646]

thank you-wow! Your comment cut right into my denial/belif system and rooted out, by illumination, a deeply held cognitive distortion!

[@TimesUp8888]

Literally could have written this verbatim...wow. it's somehow comforting to know I wasn't the only one... .

[@katec9893]

I relate to your comment a lot. I've been feeling like that for years - a weirdo who isn't capable of living a normal life so has to watch others live theirs from the sidelines. When in fact there is nothing wrong with me, I just come from a dysfunctional family. Its time I stand up and take my place in the world.

[@rinahgberg312]

I don't think you are expressing yourself clumsy at all,I understand what you mean and I think you express yourself perfectly.💜

[@user-uu3wj1ji9c]

Thank you Jay. These videos really help me. Yep, I’m nearly 60 and 3 years no contact with my family and I have no regrets about that. It’s hard to do and I appreciate it is not for everyone but by doing it I have discovered it is for me. I felt that I was rotten to the core and it is ingrained though I am working on letting that go as I know it isn’t true..

[@juliahart8593]

I fucking KNEW it was a part of this. It also didn't help that the narcissist alternated between making me a scapegoat and a golden child, thus giving me all of the expectations of the golden child but the shitty treatment of the scapegoat. It was hell.

[@fragrenscat9468]

glad you wrote this because i was both too... golden until about 6 and then oh my god a halfwitted defective ever after( unless she wanted to make my sister feel bad then i was temporarily golden again )but im glad she didnt maintain "golden child".. i still rather be as i am any day !

[@markartist8646]

My father, later in my 20's (after all the sh-t had played out and the damage was done) commented that I got a raw deal, that I was the "real" smart one in the family. His way of unshouldering responsibility without an apology for being the passive parent-fail. What a pathetic comment. Thanks for sharing this and jarring out another piece of cognitive distortion to be illuminated!!

[@belovedchild9812]

I’m 2.5 years into my recovery. These videos are giving me new and nuanced ways of looking at myself and what I’ve been through. As I build new and healthy relationships I find that my feelings of being defective are diminishing. Thank you for this project you’re doing.

[@Cashalfstory]

Love this. I realiZed that my adoptive parents made me feel defective very subliminally by punishing and beating me when I was not acting the way they expected or wanted. I learned something must be wrong with me because I was hurt and angry a lot from their abuse.

[@quantumfineartsandfossils2152]

To be blamed for being emotionally, mentally, physically, sexually criminally abused with records and proof is traumatizing and extremely damaging yes Also because as you know you cannot have any opinion when abusers are mentally impaired and need help as Peter rialton says "psychopaths are learning disabled" this is paralyzing So, as you know when victims (theres never one victim all of society too is victimized raped in the theatrics of criminal piggybacking abuse) might finally have tangible proof that a pathologically lying criminal was in their midst not just for years but decades (like Weinstein Maxwell etc) some cant get over the stigma and stigmatize keeping the problem alive 'unaware turning a blind eye', some are often helplessly gutted with disgust and terror, some somehow get triggered and start to make the same mistakes because culturally abuse is still tolerated Many ppl with brain disorders only start families to trick others into thinking they are normal as people often view you as mentally healthy when you have children even if you have a horrible history The cycle starts immediately because the previous crimes of abuse were never addressed and this delusion completely fails with th cycle of criminal abuse happening all over again as a precious commenter said about "theory of transgenerational toxic families"- freedom warrior says

[@streaming5332]

Someone had to take the role of the 'sick' person in the family when I was growing up. For years I've had to be careful not to do anything that would feed into that role. I believe I'm the sanest of the lot, certainly the least reactive. There is no way the mother can ever describe me this way ever again.

[@Mysticus11]

So many pennies dropped viewing this channel. Never heard these aspects articulated so clearly before. For those of us who have been silenced and cognitively / emotionally corrupted, this gift cannot be underestimated 🙏🏾☮️🌈🌀🌸 What was hidden or at best seen fleetingly and deemed intractable now appears penetrable, malleable and elicits a natural overflowing of that self compassion u identify in various videos as being a key ingredient and proper basis for exploring our dark inheritance ☮️

[@lavendercloud09]

Hello Jay thanks for amazing content! There is one thing I struggle though. Yes after my parents narcissistic abuse I developed social anxiety, I became shy and a people pleaser. As a child other kids just hated me and if something little worked my way, lets say when my grades improved a little, or I looked conventionally attractive (was a skinny girl) other girls hated me and a boy even beat me for having better grades than him. I grew up literally friendless or with enemies for friends. I was a shy girl and my peers took this as an insult as if I was acting like I was better then them and they bullied me for being shy. When I grew up (at 22y old) I started dating my current boyfriend who treats me well in relationship after falling for many unavailable men who also treated me like I was worthless. But after starting dating my current boyfriend other women became jealous of me and one even tried to seduce my boyfriend. My boyfriend and I are both average looking. All this experiences make me feel like nobody thinks I worth anything and they want to see me totally at the bottom fighting for crumbs. If I improve my life in anyway they take it as an insult, even the new people I meet. So in your videos when you say “scapegoated child may receive good reception in the external world or they may have friends but the defectiveness feeling persists.” I feel like anyone who becomes close to a friend in the end lashes out at me in the end to remind me how defective I am. As a child even my teachers would hate me and I never understood why. So my external belief confirmed what my parents made me feel (except for my bf only)

[@krimsonsun10]

I would have been so messed up by mom (covert narcissist) and stepdad (angry alcoholic maybe overt narcissist) if it was not for the fact that my aunt and her family, and my grandparents treated me so well i could not buy into the lies they told me and the multiple beatings i got. After watching some of the videos on this channel it dawned on me why my mom never celebrated my successes and sometimes even berates me for it. But omg let me mess up. I will never be allowed to live it down.

[@j.g.5765]

Its funny... my mother was generally neglectful and emotionally unavailable, manipulative and coercive... however not outright malicious. I doubt she possesses the self awareness to realize it. However my siblings are straight up malignant narcissists where I was the scapegoat until I set myself free. And yes, the scapegoat child is totally friendless and kept isolated bc the narc siblings destroy your reputation everywhere you go.

[@kimlec3592]

Disconfirming or refuting the beliefs you developed because of the constant contempt, criticism and all the other criminal behaviours perpetrated against you as a part of abusive power & control. Coercive control is recognised as criminal behaviour with adults, but it is hushed up when it is parent/s actively abusing their children in these silent & invisible ways. Therapists do what they can to repair years, sometimes decades of damage. Some shrinks acknowledge it, but others are part of the abusive situation in not telling authorities or the sufferer themselves. Thank the heavens there are people such as this man, Jay Reid, who help us understand what went on, when we were so slammed emotionally & psychologically we couldn't see it ourselves.

[@lisaperez8276]

“The relationship isn’t requiring them to think of themselves in a devalued or defective way.” That’s huge

[@perfectcirq]

I found these videos the other day - and since then - I feel such a huge relief.

[@GypsyJulie]

You are helping me so much. After I listen to you, I journal. People actually like me.

[@guinevereinthefield176]

Yes! I felt like this too. I remember being in my late teens and stunned when someone seemed interested in what I wanted to say. I had become very quiet over the years, and feared telling stories to people - you know how in conversation you tell people things that happened? I must have been in my early twenties by the time I started to do that again, and I still thought I was boring.

[@laybay612]

why does he understand this sooo wellllll

[@quantumfineartsandfossils2152]

you know why he is a talented scientist is why your being talented notices the abuse dynamic so it is a successful validation :)

[@smoozerish]

Absolutely brilliant analysis. I like the phrase 'abandonment depression'.....this is exactly what I had in the past when I was still attached to my toxic family of origin. By separating from them I have felt more my real self and this depression has lifted. Although I still mourn the loss of not having a supportive family I would never prefer to go back to that depression by being around them.

[@markartist8646]

Thank you- I totally get this. I went around my family during my dad's last days 3 plus years ago, and it was a hard slap in the face, but it opened the flood gates to understanding more....Abandonment depression is my new buzzword. Peace to you and your recovery!

[@rebeccadolashewich7094]

My mother would tell me that she had to love me, yet didn’t have to like me. That has haunted me in ways that are so vast & so insidious in my own well-being. In therapy I did go through a hypnosis to go back to the painful memory and to grab myself from that moment and reparent myself. I find myself having to do that in emotionally stressful situations, because I can dissociate bA k to that feeling I started feeling as a very young child that is numb and void of feeling to just manage the pain. I have to snap myself out of that sunken place and remind myself of those who love and like me, starting with my own family that I am in now. I remember the people who would never say that to me & I remind myself that I couldn’t fathom saying that to my own babies. It’s very hard to process being raised by a woman who would get my own sisters to feel they had to love me & that they didn’t like me too. It was lonely, yet I am not lonely anymore & when I dissociate back to that lonely & despairing space- it takes reparenting those past traumatic memories to pull myself out of the depth of that deep inner pain. Thanks for this video. I have to struggle with the imprinting on me as a child that my own mother had to love me & feeling that she would or could choose not to love me if she could. Knowing she didn’t like me so much that she would say such mean things to me, is another wound that in my most vulnerable moments has me wondering at times if I am even likable. I then remind myself that it’s irrational to think I’m not likable or to think I’m not lovable. It’s irrational to think I’m somehow defective in that no one would want to love me or be happy to like me. The fact that I have a loving family now is a way to pull myself back from that lonely sad girl I was, & to help me remember the fulfilled happy woman I am. I’m never lonely anymore. I am always in my loving family. I never cooks treat any of my sweet children like any of them were somehow the bad child in the family. I am free from that dysfunctional family system & I am so grateful & happy to have my family. When I get swept into an old memory, I have to speak to that memory and bring myself back up to this present day, & not stay in the painful memory. It took me a lot of therapy, support groups & practice in coming back from the flashbacks to handle the past trauma easier now. Self-Love & learning to set your own boundaries were crucial first steps in getting to a much better place where my abusers lost control of my emotions. I’m a work in progress and I take each flashback as it comes. I make sure to spend a lot of time with whom I love & like, that love & like me in return. There is a light at the end of the tunnel of being the “black sheep”. It does get better. ✨❤️‍🩹✨

[@shannon929]

Thank you so much this is all so accurate. Weird thing is I feel responsible for the way members of my family have treated me - like it’s my fault but I know that’s not true. No one ever treated me like I was an actual person with feelings - I was just a joke - and my mother so despises me it’s almost funny . I guess I don’t even know how I had the confidence to do anything but still won awards for volleyball softball German competitions was head cheerleader was senior class President deans list in final year in college CPA in 2 states - none of this has ever been recognized - funny enough my mom would make sure to tell me that my brother (the golden child) was doing her taxes for her lol. Everything was always my fault - that her boyfriend broke up with her, she left a suicide note for me to find in high school and she was pissed that I came and asked her about it-she NEVER once came to visit me in college - I’m sure also diverted money to my brother from my grandfather after he died-flat out told me I wasn’t getting anything in her will (I had never asked nor ever shown any interest and have NEVER recs any money or help from her) - she moved in with my sister in Dallas (I’m I Austin) and told me she wouldn’t be visiting me (again with no reason to say this I hadnt asked her) - it goes on and on.... good riddens. All these videos hit the nail on the head. I never felt protected by anyone and I always had this uneasy feeling like I just didn’t belong in that family - except with my dad. My mom hates that my dad likes me - the looks she would give me and the nasty things she said like insinuating that my dad is jealous about other men with me in a sick way. Just makes me nauseas that I never called her out I was always so scared of her.

[@KikiKiki-do1fr]

Hello. I’m writing because I tend to believe “I’m defective” as well and I suffered from sefharming. Now, I have a lot of scars and am “objectively defective”. I don’t know what to do because I made my believes reality and my feelings of worthlessness even worse. I believe nobody wants me because I’m covered with scars. People feel overwhelmed and even repulsed by my appearance.

[@freedomwarrior5087]

Work on loving yourself scars and all. I'm likely more scared than you are, but I'm healing. You can too. One day at a time.

[@KikiKiki-do1fr]

🥺

[@leighdunford6015]

💜

[@Catillia85]

"You were broken from the beginning" Thanks mom. Good to know.

[@inesek2918]

Thank you so much for another insightful video. I only discovered the term narcissist and realised I was raised in a family system revolving around my narcissistic mother about a month ago thanks to your videos. I always felt that something about my upbringing wasn't right, I just didn't have a name for it. And oh, my, haven't I felt there's so much wrong with me all my life... I work in design. I started to research where it's coming from when I realized how difficult it is for me to ask a client for my fee. On some level I know I've done a decent job and what amount I should ask for , but then this feeling "I'm defective" kicks in, so I would project it on to my work and let people take advantage of me.

[@adelaidemorningstar1870]

I don’t think the survivor will ever get back the loss of innocence,,,when innocent is gone it’s gone,,,,

[@LisaSmith-yb2uz]

We need to rationalize the irrational behaviours in order to try and gain a sense of security or stability (even though it is a false sense) ❣️ thank you for your work 🙏 it’s comforting to hear validation for my experiences

[@tcancella7286]

6:37 the reflection on finding coherence on in the abuse received from a person you are dependent on and need to see as a viable caretaker/family member … this really clicked with me and the example was parent child but elements in other possible scapegoat situations - between siblings (as adults too) and spousal relationships

[@CristinaAcosta]

My experience 100%. Thanks for your excellent articulation. I naively thought that when my many siblings reached adulthood we would together overcome the narcissistic structural scapegoating. Nope. Im in my 60s. Sadly - my siblings stayed the family course. Tragic loss of time and love.

[@dnk4559]

Sadly I am experiencing the same. I had hoped my sisters would choose recovery and it seems they are unwilling and instead are repeating the dysfunctional patterns.

[@markartist8646]

@@dnk4559 65 here. "And the beat goes on." Both siblings are totally engrossed in their lives and the family dynamic is completely hidden in a blanket rule by the narcissistic mother that the past is not spoken about. They have even found a way to adopt that rule as a and spiritual virtue. Mind bogoling but why shouldn't it be.. LMAO! at them and the entire SS. Thanks for your comment.

[@tonibergemann5591]

Same here. I always thought we could come together but now I recognise her damage has created 1grandiose 1 malignant 1 alcoholic with no visible care ( he doesn't seem narcissistic at least) and me the outcast/ scapegoat played as required

[@lucycp2881]

“The Child is offered a malignant identity.” That is so true and it’s all a feeling & based on interactions that you come to this understanding. If I don’t accept it, I will not be accepted or protected in the family is the reaction I got after I was assaulted by my NPD sister and I said I’m. It going home again because it is not safe. I was shamed for it. I was told I am making a big mistake. I assured my father that my mind is more clear than ever before. I said I do not and will not accept your baggage or anyone else’s.

[@rachelwilson4826]

No longer sharing a reality with family as scapegoated Child has led me to no contact. It’s so helpful to have you describe these things - thank you for your tremendous work.

[@backyardfunwithsimone9213]

Thank you for this video! I developed bulimia growing up with a narcissistic father and mother. There was so much loneliness in this loveless cold "home" , an utter lack of love, safety, compassion and appreciation. Overeating was the only way I knew to fill that emptiness. There is a really great book, "When food is love", that explains this desperate move to fill a loveless life with something.

[@Alison-ku5ko]

The truth here is hard “abandonment depression”.

[@Ariadne76-k3d]

I would love it if you could do a video of what happens to the traumatized child when they go to school . Are they likely to be bullied and excluded because kids sense that something is "off?"

[@HomeFromFarAway]

Bullied by kids and teachers alike. Far from perfectionism or overachieving, a lot of us just give up on school, even if we love learning and have the brains. There's no point when everything gets sabotaged or we're too parentified to have capacity for what teachers think is important. If I have to sort out my eternal victim mom's lease at 12, why should I take their stupid homework seriously?

[@spetsnaz4027]

And then when you get 30 years old. A shrink tells, “you you need to develop your warrior” after enduring one of these childhoods, as a scapegoat. if I wasn’t a warrior. I would’ve lynched myself as a teenager. the comment infuriated me. I found it profoundly ignorant.

[@MsGrinny]

He's described my situation with my father very well. Neither of my parents were ever "completely" present for my childhood, as they were and still are alcoholics, who were and still are in denial. I was a very anxious child, and have grown up to be a very anxious adult (am currently in my mid 40s, with Generalised Anxiety Disorder - constantly anxious, where the tiniest thing creates some disturbance). I have been seeing a psychotherapist since 2005, who has helped me incredibly. It's only over the past few years that I've realised how inappropriately I was treated, being made to feel responsible for things that went wrong, when I had no control over the family - I was a child. My father always put me down, pointing out things that I did wrong, or things that (he believed) needed improvement, when I constantly did my best, and always sought approval. My English marks dropped after he told me I should be doing better, as before his comment I had some confidence, but his comment destroyed that. I have very little to do with either of them anymore, am doing a fair bit better, but the anxiety has come along for the ride, unfortunately. A 24/7 job of distracting myself so that I don't worry about silly things. Sorry for the rambling.

[@emmabrooker166]

Moira Keenan I hear you (that wasn't a ramble 💐)

[@markartist8646]

Your comment has helped me immensely. I'm 65 and still hammering at this stuff, but life is better than ever! Stay strong and keep going...

[@fancynancylucille]

I love this man's work. He has the best explanations. I feel validated as the scapegoated child. But my narcissistic parent was a severely neglected, abused, and abandoned child, who we realized later had Asperger's Syndrome. As a parent, I was stressed and in a bad marriage, so my four children are affected negatively and say so. They also understand what I went through. I wish all these "psychologists" would stop painting parents as monsters and not suffering human beings. My poor father, after all the horror of his childhood and adolescence, endured 30 years of being ignored by his family. I tried to visit, and I called. It did not work out most of the time, because he DID scapegoat me (doesn't know that he did), and continued his emotionally abusive behavior. With great regret, I cut myself off from him, knowing that he was suffering terribly. The photos of him show a brooding, frightening face full of resentment and hate. The poor man had been beaten and raped. Most of all, he was the scapegoat in his own family. Please express more compassion for the parents. You are only polarizing good versus evil, to no one's advantage. I screamed at my kids sometimes. The situation was incredibly complicated.

[@TatiSaysSo]

You need serious help lady. It’s sad that you’re still in denial after seeing videos like these. You’re not helping anyone or yourself by making excuses for abusers and your dad knew exactly what he was doing to you. It’s not children’s responsibility to cater to adults emotions. It’s the parents responsibility to care for their children’s physical and emotional needs selflessly. If they had issues from their childhood, that is their responsibility to get help and work through these things. A parent abusing a child is ALWAYS a parent’s fault.

[@barbann5091]

I think you're both right actually. While it's true that an adult is responsible, knows what they are doing, and has to account for it, I think it is helpful to see that the cause of their bad behavior was something that happened to them rather than anything that you did or was.

[@beatrizvignoli4053]

I now realize why my success as a poet plunged me even more deeply into the dysphoria that's the very theme of my work and the very key of its success. Because it contradicted the delusional shared "reality" my narc-mom tried to impose and I kept rejecting. A vicious and virtuous circle at the same time!

[@satisfyhelter-skelter4666]

Thanks to you I can name the feeling now. I expirience dysphoria the most in relationships with other people. After years of therapy my autenthic self has more space in myself to be expirienced and at this point it feels beyond great. It feels freeing, like I can breathe and just be for the first time in a long long time. I feel much more safer when I am in connection with my self. But dysphoria still gets triggered heavily when I'm getting closer to someone. I am diagnosed with BPD

[@quantumfineartsandfossils2152]

I am so glad you can breathe it is also because you inspire others with your growing indefinately in a healing dynamic not just of yourself but others

[@satisfyhelter-skelter4666]

@@quantumfineartsandfossils2152 I know, I hope to do just that :)

[@quantumfineartsandfossils2152]

@@satisfyhelter-skelter4666

[@makaylahollywood3677]

My parents both passed away 6 years ago. I was close to mother. And, used by my father. But, discover how my younger siblings had become chummy with our "aging" npd father. Early in life- i took care of these siblings- whom as adults perform a horrific ganging up act behind my back. I felt it to the core. My mother validated the cruel behavior, said, "they were wrong". I've been nc a few years. Recently, the ringmaster mistrusted sibling left two VM's, the "semi-sweet" messages are both unwanted and creepy.

[@CristinaAcosta]

You sound like a heavily parentified child. I was as well. A “little mother”. My siblings are not in my adult life by their choice. It’s confusing and sad. Hugs.

[@stevepotts4228]

IMO, 'Ignor them and their VM's'

[@AppliedMathematician]

I am defective and have been scapegoated a lot. For example, I have dyslexia and from an accident during my draft service a 30% degree of disability. I have accepted my defects and that seems to be most threatening characteristic to narcissists. For them having to interact someone who know his defects and is not insecure because of it is apparently unbearable. Narcissists do not seem to understand, that knowing your own defects is the prerequisite to overcome your insecurity, because then you don't take any risks that you can not anticipate.

[@MSB780]

Have you studied, if it possible to be make a Scapegoat among friends: those in High School, College, and as adults, Church functions, various gatherings of sorts? or is it just an immediate family thing?

[@limitedtime5471]

Thank you for putting these videos out, they are great resources for people without therapists who get it, but also those of us that can't afford therapy at all

[@antjestr1047]

during every video I watch from you I get so angry and it hurts, thinking how SICK this is to scapegoat a child / thanks for the videos I love them though! Very helpful! Always looking forward to the next video; you describe exactly my situation back then as I was and am the scapegoat (now in no contact (for forever) with the narc & enabler family, Im sure they're smearing me, but I can see clearly now)

[@milkandblue]

Ive recently connected how sick the experience is with my lifelong appetite issues, I always feel a low level nausea where I don’t want to have to eat and then digest anything, I guess it’s connected to not being able to digest the sick things that keep happening.

[@ravenel2]

When I was listening to this I had the thought that we can heal like computers restored to the factory settings. We just got fouled up by toxic humans.

[@ninax23]

Your work is helping me so much. Thank you, thank you.

[@palmamingozzi5736]

In every way my life has been affected from this unbelievable experience- mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually. We are Worth healing. Worth loving. Worth treasuring. Worth understanding. We all went through a lot for the people who let us down and we’re supposed to protect us and mental illness must be brought to light in society in order to change a child’s life. So kind to yourselves and take it easy. People don’t change but behaviors do. Thank you Dr. for your wisdom and tremendous help.

[@therealdeal3672]

Jay, every word is golden. You understand this so well. It is very moving to feel so understood and to be presented with an opportunity to understand myself much better. I have a big problem watching, because this topic is so triggering for me that I have to rewatch over and over in order to get everything because my brain is trying to block it, out because it's been so very painful. Much appreciation for you choosing this particular focus for such a deep dive. We scapegoats have been waiting for you, anxiously. Thank you!

[@mandyvhholland5372]

🙏it makes everything so clear! Thank you so much!

[@kristieheineman3351]

Thank you for articulating this whole situation. I have to say that all of your videos depict exactly how I've felt in my family for years and years. I knew something was very, very wrong, I just couldn't quite figure it out. Even though the truth is very upsetting to me, the more I've listened to your videos, I seem to be gaining a strength. I've always known I do better with what I know versus what I don't know and I'm feeling so good about dealing with all of this now with a clarity like never before. Please know you are saving my life with your wisdom of understanding and willingness to share and I am forever grateful! ❤️

[@dmcsunshine1]

If this is so well understood why haven’t counselors noticed and helped me overcome this? How can you help adults who had this type of childhood?

[@markartist8646]

I can relate to the "no where to go for safety" and being trapped in the abusive dynamic. In my situation, I turned to a friend of the family who was a pediphile and trusted him with my angst and rebellious feelings toward my mother. He was receptive, but only used it as a tool to gain my trust to sexually abuse me. You might think that it further damaged me. Well, it did, but my own sense of healthy self still was not destroyed and I was able to recover through lots of therapy and understanding the dynamic. Now at 65, I am still building on my recovery through my life experiences. It's tuff and I have had some hard bumps with narcissistic people, but it keeps getting better as I gain understanding and uncover deeper meaning and insight. The family system is locked in place, and I'm now going no contact after many years of trying to encourage a reconciliation of sorts with the narcissistic mother after my father passed; ain't going to happen! What a relief! I tried to discuss the sexual abuse with her and she simply commented that they knew nothing of it when it happened. But what was missing was a sense of empathy or compassion for the fact that it happened. Thanks for reading this... Your videos on the scapegoat have been the missing piece that connects many of the gaps in my understanding and cognitive distortions. Thank you for your videos, and the community that you have created!!

[@onehuman5325]

This is the truest evaluation of social anxiety I've heard and real help for scapegoats. To believe there is the possibility of a real connection with others was literally fear of falling into a trap.

[@user-vt9kd4no8j]

I did no contact and they went so far as to send the siblings and “paid for “ flying monkeys “ after me to destroy me… and also my son…even have a “gossip “ site online attacking everything I do to this day. I’ve tried to stop it through law enforcement and they say that I have no proof, with a wink wink (they’ve seen the site) So on it goes…

[@izawaniek2568]

Thank you for This extremely validating and comforting video. We are not defective and we can not only survive but thrive.

[@bethmoore7722]

I believe they were a little afraid of me, and my mother was quite jealous of me, as well. She “othered” me, in that she thought I was not actually white, even to the end of her life. I don’t know how you marry tall, dark, and handsome, and expect a blond-haired baby. Edit to add that these videos have zeroed in exactly on my experience. I had no idea who I was, for much of my adult life, because my siblings and parents continued to deny me boundaries, and respect, and no matter what I did successfully, they would find a way to shoot me down. The shared reality of my family denies that I’ve ever felt any pain.

[@prettypenne662]

This is very rare information. Appreciated. Finally. Keep it up so more videos of you can.

[@leeboriack8054]

Dr. Reid, so glad to find your talks! Both my parents were narcissists. I’m 61 and after years of therapy I’m still trying to reprogram.

[@tuszajnojneeg0052]

Even though I know intellectually that being feeling this way isn't true, it's so hardwired into my mind, heart, soul, and cell that I can't un-believe it. It's like I was born with this.

[@atepatty6216]

Thank you for posting this series. Now I understand why I have been feeling this way and why I have been treated this way.

[@LiftingUrVeil-LUV]

This is really helping me deal with being the scapegoat in a narcissistic/ toxic family ..I love the way you simplify and go deep into The Who mindset of scapegoat cause that’s exactly how I feel

[@titarutledge431]

So eye opening. Just figuring this out at 65...

[@ben3435]

I still find it so difficult to think I can disagree with someone, even more so when I really value the person, and even more so if I know it will cause them discomfort that was never caused or supported by me.

[@NaturallyFrugal1]

May Jesus bless you so much for your wonderful content. It saves many lives. Thank you 🙏 🙏🙏

[@diatribe5]

I am trying to recover from the scapegoat role from so long ago, but I do indeed have social anxiety and anticipate rejection at every turn. I very rarely find any instances that prove my fears are unfounded, and if I do, they’re met with suspicion in my mind.

[@FlatStella1]

you are excellent Jay, thank you

[@jreid-heal-narcissistic-abuse]

I appreciate that!

[@cathymars23]

Thank you, this is great information. I need to listen to it several times. 🙂💡👌

[@MikeandMads]

This is unfortunately so spot on. I’d love more research done on how to quickly undo the lifelong negative effects of this on self esteem and life in general

[@AncientIntegrations]

The worst thing therapists say in the face of these is “it wasn’t your fault but it’s your responsibility to heal it” and it’ll be after like 37 rapes by psychopaths, extreme nervous system adaptation to trauma, and end state CPTSD 30x worse than soldiers. They’ll be like maybe you should volunteer serving the soldiers. Meanwhile you’re barely brushing your teeth and not a single person helps. Our medical system is so pathetic. Half the therapists aren’t even trained and just did psychology as a job so they could leave by 2 to pick up their kids.

[@Jayee9999]

My Mother used to tell me that I am defective! I remember her saying that as early as 3 years old!

[@lisaperez8276]

Just watched this again after 1 year and it’s so incredibly helpful 🙏🏼💖

[@greggpatten2165]

Well put. Thanks for your work. Your video perfectly describes my experience.