Toxic Shame: How It Leads To Chronic DYSREGULATION (And How To Reverse The Cycle)

Toxic Shame: What It Is & How To Heal From It: • Toxic Shame: What It I...

[@Puglover-jk1ul]

The phrase “quit crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” comes to mind from my childhood. And now I don’t go to my parents with any upsetting issues I’m experiencing.

[@erinelle4310]

I heard that way too often. And so i dont go to anyone when im upset either. And i dont like feeling upset around anyone at all. I retreat to be alone and feel worse.

[@Neylena]

oof this and saying that they were going to smash your face in if you didn't stop crying, such kind and nurturing words haha. All jokes aside, hope you're doing better now

[@Rosieblue111]

I remember this one a lot growing up. Also, ‘what have you got to be so happy about?’ It’s so useful to understand this better now as a parent myself.

[@BeHealing]

Yes, this one and also being shamed for being happy "this will end in tears"

[@SideB1984]

"you're not old enough to get angry!" I still have trouble using my anger to guide me in a new direction in a healthy way. I also learned I can't go to parents for any upsetting experiences. They will invalidate it repeatedly since they haven't met themselves deeply in their emotions.

[@sethtenrec]

Parents can really mess you up, and even with good intentions.

[@jenniferg6818]

the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

[@Christina-yd9fe]

This why I am nearly 27 and haven't had children yet. I am in therapy working through my own childhood traumas.

[@Duck72432]

I really think emotional development shouldn’t be the job of two parents we should be in close bonded tribes and communities that rely on each o Te r for survival

[@indigoneutral]

It seems a lot of men have internalized shame about feeling emotion at all, leading to a self perpetuating cycle of confusion and addiction. How sad. 😢

[@maydavies888]

Makes sense along with their misogyny. Hating emotions? Women are known to be more emotional. So they subconsciously haye women along with those emotions. The result? A generation of weak-minded and ciolent incels out r@ping women from their sense of entitlement and weilding their testosterone far more irresponsibly than a pack of wild dolphins.

[@homo-sapiens-dubium]

Its absolutely insane how much we suffer from gender-roles too - just as women do. Its in our all interest to dissolve or at least loosen them to some extent for this reason. Thats why I call myself a feminist too - because I suffer from these roles & would benefit from their dissolvement just as much as women.

[@indigoneutral]

@@homo-sapiens-dubium I think if we enlighten them, our culture will begin to change. Strength is not denial of emotion, it's the ability to self regulate. It's not physical power, it's power of character. It's not working 80 hours a week, it's meeting emotional, spiritual, and physical needs. Men and women need to be allowed to step into their power.

[@homo-sapiens-dubium]

@@indigoneutral I agree with your definition of what is and gives strength - being in tune with the needs of our bodies - of our beings. "nature heals itself quickly" is one of my favorite phrases recently. if one can give oneself love and kindness things can start to change for the better quickly. Take care & thanks for exchanging thoughts on this topic! may you be contempt!

[@findingfr33dom]

​@@homo-sapiens-dubium I can think of many compelling reasons to be apprehensive about that. And I think that, in the healing world, there is a tendency to be very skeptical or even antagonistic toward "protectors." The fact is that gender roles were here because they served us. And if this reality becomes uglier and more survival-oriented, then they very well may serve us again. I'm not saying that they aren't confining straight-jackets that can (in some cases) result in ceaseless psychological torture. But I am saying that, in Mafia-World, they keep the stream of life going. If any man searches deep enough within himself, I think he'll find the fear of a foreign tribe coming, slaughtering him and his brothers, and taking the women of his tribe as trophies. And I think far too many people in the healing world are all too quick to dismiss this. To point to some new age thing they heard that conflicts with other new age things they heard. To suggest that, if they just raise their vibration high enough, the problem of evil becomes irrelevant. How many people use delusion to raise their vibration, trusting whatever conclusion their feelings point to, distrusting the feelings of others when those feelings point to contrary opinions? The burden to protect, in this place and time, may be too great a burden to carry. But I wonder if it is as important now as it has ever been.

[@iamlunalane]

I love being an adult now with people like you helping me! My childhood was all shame driven. It was very confusing knowing I understood that my parents were gaslighting but there was no choice because I was just a little kid and had to go with whatever they wanted. Today when my daughter has reactions like trying to by silly or distracting when she is nervous, I say to her, 'hey I know you are feeling nervous because this is difficult for you, but its okay to feel that way. You have mom and dad here to help you!"

[@sevendegrees]

It’s so great you understand- I wonder what kind of person I’d be if I had parents who understood how to manage theirs and my emotions.

[@freepancakessss]

Before a theatre performance I was really nervous and my mom got mad at me saying I was making her nervous 😕. Good to know there are parents doing the opposite of what my mom did.

[@shaunfogarty3020]

@@sevendegrees you are your own parent now. you are responsible for all of the feelings you have to this point. look into Ho'oponopono. Take full responsibility for everything in your life; even if you don't feel like it's something you should be responsible for; if it, in any way, affects your life, you are responsible for helping to bring it about. You needed it to be created because of your memories (whether passed on to you or directly yours). You got this! Sorry if I sound like i'm shaking a finger at you. I'm just passing on what i've been learning and presuming that it applies to all of us. I love you, I'm sorry, Please forgive me, Thank you.

[@anne-marieh6128]

I relate and Agree! We are fortunate to have access to really effective people now. To hear what you say to your daughter is heart warming. Good job! Shes lucky to have you.

[@t.k.5088]

I'm so happy and thrilled for your daughter. Nothing brings me more hope for the future than positive parenting/home environments. I hope your patience and affection for your kid will follow you for your whole lives. I unfortunately wasn't as lucky. Should I tell y'all about how my mother left my toddler sibling crying and screaming all alone in the middle of the supermarket when they threw their first "I want this, why can't you give me this" baby temper tantrum ever? She stepped away and further while they flopped on the floor screaming, until they stopped crying on their own and ran after her, terrified that she was gonna abandon them. What baffles me the most is that, at the time this happened, my mom was likely 28 or 30 years old at most. I'm 32 now and I can guarantee y'all that, even when I was 28, I would've NEVER left my child throwing a tantrum all alone in a supermarket until they stopped and ran after me due to fear of abandonment. I honestly can not comprehend why she did this when she literally chose to start a family and be a mother. My mom wasn't forced into her marriage like many were and others still are. She did hit the jackpot when it came to finding a man who shared her... Questionable child raising philosophies, though. And she retells this story with pride every now and them as an "example of how she taught her kids not to be brats." Needless to say, this was the approach that both of our parents took towards our emotions all our lives. They literally shamed me right to my face when I dared to have a panic attack once, as an adult. That day taught me once and for all that I'd never be able to count on them for any kind of support. I don't think I need to explain that the consequences for their shitty parenting still resonate within me and my brother, and it'll take many, many years to fix this. _If_ we ever manage to fix it.

[@jmfs3497]

I am almost 50 years old and am still working on unshaming myself from childhood trauma. About five years ago I made the realization that I was chronically shaming myself for every tiny thing. I knocked over a bottle of soap, caught it before it spilled a drop, and felt this intense shame wash over my entire body. It really woke me up and now I pause to reflect in those moments, take a deep breath, and let that shame go.

[@leona2222]

💯

[@iyxon]

And when the world needed her most, she came back! Love you Heidi!

[@carmenjackson8586]

My thoughts exactly!

[@HoldMyBeerWoman]

I drink and do drugs and physical rage. Let me know if it works with you.

[@Rosieblue111]

This is fascinating. I’ve always wondered why I felt so ashamed and embarrassed if I laughed, told a story, or made a joke and the person I was telling didn’t respond or find it interesting. My mum used to walk off when I was talking to her or tell me to shut up and look at me with disgust a lot. I remember telling her a long winded joke I’d made up when I was about 6, and at the punchline she said something like ‘what a waste of my time, and walked off’ I didn’t realise this had such an impact on me. It makes so much sense how I feel myself flooding with shame when I feel someone is disparaging to me. Even if I tell a joke and the person laughs I still feel panicky and embarrassed.

[@KyreynaRamirez-Relleno-ct8tw]

I’m so sorry! I get it, even though I never had that exact thing, but my dad would often look at me weird for anything I said honestly. And it’s always like people would just stare at me if I say anything to them

[@nickandrews2255]

So horrific to hear this is how you were treated . I hope you get the healing , love plus respect plus care you deserve. Cheers for sharing . All the best. Cheers

[@jahnavikeraval6839]

You're not alone. Me to

[@juan_castellanos19]

"But the cool news is that you are not inherently broken, flawed, weird, messed up, or any of those things you might be telling yourself at your core. You just developed compensatory mechanism on top of compensatory mechanism for trying to regulate yourself when you did not have access to skills that would help you regulate directly. So one of the first things it can help you to start working through is giving yourself some grace, understanding, and compassion around all of these things that have developed as a result of believing that one or more of the core emotions that everybody has in this world are inherently wrong and that you are bad for feeling it." 🔥🔥🔥❤❤❤

[@NothingE1se]

Thanks for the quote, I started thinking how much I resonated with her saying we don’t have to think we don’t make sense because in reality we do, and I found the rest of the passage here… much appreciated! 🙏🙏🙏

[@KhaoticDeterminism]

ya we’ve just seen it as a generation of ppl healing enough to be self aware that they’re all really traumatized it’s a long grieving process lots of ppl choose to stay asleep cause it’s not their time it hurts a lot we’re all pretty much grieving everything our ancestors were robbed of ultimately too not just you it’s been helpful for us to learn not to doubt our emotions and just live them out you can gain a lot of self awareness that way just venting all the negative 💩 directly into the void of space it also been super helpful at reining in our splitting (borderline here) over time one is only human right? the days can feel long but the add up cheers #2Spirit #indigenous #ottawa #autism

[@Some1inFNQ]

Hard disagree. some of us are inherently broken and flawed, not good enough and worth less than less non-disabled people, just ask the masses who ostracised us. It's been kicked in through my teeth every day for 45 years. don't tell me I'm not what I'm shown I am. talk is cheap.

[@Kingcobra6699]

Well, I am broken and flawed 😢 Simple as that, there is no denying it. But I don't need to feel ashamed for being broken and flawed. At least I should not.

[@closethockeyfan5284]

​@@Some1inFNQ Yep, came here to note this. Plenty of stuff that is objectively not wrong but that people reject. There are most definitely people who need to bury significant parts of their true selves to be accepted. To think otherwise is to deny reality.

[@nyssalynn5216]

I used to be a Mormon, and toxic shame is honestly what they use to fuel anything and everything. It's taken a long time unlearning this.

[@shaunfogarty3020]

I can't think of a judeo base religion that is not based in toxic shame....you are inherently bad; and you can't be good on your own.....no wonder the path is narrow and few find it....

[@joshy-noha]

my whole family is mormon as well, there's shame and taboo on everything

[@cryptointegrations9854]

Me too. I was raised in a large carb family and this is how we were treated

[@themacocko6311]

​@@cryptointegrations9854What is a "carb" family?

[@RyannJoyRule]

Same here. It’s so very painful. Much love on your journey

[@hanamahmoud803]

- I was not allowed to express courage. It caused my mother so much fear and anxiety. - I was not allowed to express saddness: it added stress on my parents and it made my mother yell at me and tell me I am bringing more saddness and this way god will send us something to really cry about - I was not allowed to express anger: it meant en di elet adab. And it was severely punished. - I was not allowed to express excitement, the energy of pushing forward: it was seen as annoying to my tired parents. - I was not allowed to ask for my needs: it always felt like I am burdening my parents who are so tired from work. - I was not heard when I had an opinion because quickly, my father had a better idea and pointed to the flaw in my idea instead of building on it and giving me confidence. - I was not allowed to express fear, because my mother took it and multiplied it by 100000% and made it about her, so I had to reassure her. - I was not allowed to express attraction, because they told me it is called sinful. - I was not allowed to express myself. - I was not allowed to want anything for myself because it meant I am selfish. - I was not allowed to want good for myself because I was told it automatically means I am a bad person who wishes bad for other people. - I was not allowed to pick the good apple for myself, because my father told me that this means i want another family member to eat the bad one. - I was not allowed to be myself. - I was not allowed to go far away, whenever i did, they would bring me back. - I was not allowed to be angry - I was not allowed to have boundaries, basic ones, because it meant I am doing something wrong I dont want my parents to know about. While it was my basic right to have a self, to have boundaries, to be sad, excited, angry.

[@iveylynmay]

My heart goes out to you. I wish you courage on your healing journey.

[@zahrab2478]

I grew up so similar too, I grew up in a very religious family, I remember hearing “enti Elet Adab” all the time or using gods name to say I would be sent to hell. I hear you, I see you, I feel you. I hope this world shows you kindness, compassion and opportunity for healing and growth, you deserve it ❤️

[@drsandhyathumsikumar4479]

Thanks for articulating it so well

[@anthoras]

That sounds rougher than rough. Good luck. Also, what does "en di elet adab" mean?

[@danielamishkovska2833]

Слично искуство 😢 ти посакувам среќа на твојот пат во лекувањето. И многу љубов ❤❤❤Има надеж 🙏🙏🙏

[@lindadavis8534]

I was not allowed to express pain. I broke my ulnar and radius when I was 6. I was afraid to go home, but a nurse came along, helped me out of my key skates and walked me to my best friends home. The nurse told her she thought it was broken. My mom was called. She got so mad at me for crying. It was two hours before I was subdued enough for her to take me to the hospital and not be an embarrassment to her. I cannot imagine how many good emotions were stomped out because of this and other situations with her.

[@magpiewrites3270]

This is just horrifying. I am very sorry for little you, wish I could hug and protect. Wish I could hug the adult you as well! Unpacking all that was and probably still is very painful and hard, and you are doing great for realizing and and unlearning what your mom has taught you.

[@supervillainnova8352]

@@magpiewrites3270 please don't ever change ❤❤❤❤❤

[@anamembrives3411]

That's a terrible act of neglect. Her shame has impaired horribly your health.

[@teddyf3960]

Oh wow, I’m a minute and a half in and again it’s like Heidi is speaking directly to me. For me, I’m so uncomfortable when it comes to sex and for a long time I thought there must have been something in my past I was blocking out. A friend asked me if it could be shame related rather than an assault I wasn’t remembering, and honestly I’ve gone my entire life thinking I was undesirable so when something intimate happens it feels wrong. Heidi you are literally god-sent. ❤

[@sammylove14]

Similar for me

[@llimettime]

I feel you on this.

[@leahflower9924]

I feel a lot of shame too because I have negative experiences around things that can be positive and beautiful like relationships and intimacy and it fills me with shame that everything good feels like it has a double edged sword

[@rainbowconnected]

That is an intense realization. Glad you're unraveling it so you can feel good and right about intimacy. You deserve it. It saddens me that our society is so good at making people feel like they are undesirable or have shame around sex. Honestly, it seems like it would take a miracle to grow up in this without having some kind of shame about one's body and/or sex.

[@teddyf3960]

@@rainbowconnected thank you very much. If you’re going through something yourself i hope you are able to find the answers you’re looking for. ❤️

[@teddyf3960]

Have you ever or could you ever talk about "imaginary audience"? I experience it a lot with the object of my limerence, always thinking they're just around the corner or they're in the car next to me on the road. I always feel like people are looking at me and I have to be my best at all times. If anyone can help I think it's you! Thank you for everything you help us with, you have no idea the impact you’ve made on my life!!!❤

[@gabzz72]

I think i feel something similar. I get very jumpy when I’m not aware someone is around- its like I feel exposed I didn’t have my “mask” aka perfect behavior on and I’ve been caught red handed.

[@PolarBear-rc4ks]

Omg same I get this as well- it especially follows me when I have thoughts or feelings about others - such as attraction to someone. I get these feelings and suddenly it's like a whole group of ghosts in my head are disgusted at me, or being pervy and watching me feel these feelings. Why brain oh why :(

[@KyreynaRamirez-Relleno-ct8tw]

YEEESSSS!!!! I have this!! I’m in a book or show and everyone is reading my thoughts and watching my actions and sympathizing with me, but I have to think the right things so they know I mean well and am not becoming the villain.

[@MarieDeWolfe1]

Wow, I experience this too, but with everyone in my household basically.

[@theinnerworkclub6060]

I am so relieved to see this comment and to see the likes on it! I can’t even begin to describe how deep this goes for me…. 😢

[@viola1699]

Compassion takes away overwhelming feeling of shame and guilt. Learning how to be self compassionate brings me the relief and peace that I have yearned for all my life. Something that I’m good at towards others but never experienced myself 😞.

[@jenniferg6818]

how did you learn how?

[@kylesweeney3059]

I have learned to give myself grace as well. I pretended to give it to others, but silently judging them I realized.

[@anthoras]

​@@jenniferg6818 The way I learned it is by imagining me telling someone about my life. From child- to adulthood. And then just asking how I would react to someone else said the things I was saying. As an example: I made a whole lot of bad decisions due to my anger, which at some point turned into hatred for everyone and everything, and I resented myself because of it. I wanted to have nothing to do with myself. But as I imagined telling what my childhood was like to someone else, and how my parents physically disciplined me whenever I did something wrong (and I don't use the word beat because they didn't just suddenly decide to beat me, it was right of them to punish me in those situations, just not by yelling at or hitting me), I noticed I was making fun of myself. Trying to play it off like it wasn't a big deal. And then I asked myself "What if it was someone else saying this? How would you react?" At that point something clicked and I understood why I was so angry. It's basically what I was taught. Something goes wrong? The correct response is anger or even violence, because... children look to their parents to understand what to do. Adding to the issue was the fact that I wasn't really given any room to express any other emotion, and, most damaging, my mom just told me to control myself. There I asked "Imagine someone does something wrong, and you simply tell them to do better, but don't bother showing or explaining to them how. How likely are they to do better? And how do you think they'll feel when they understand it's wrong, but don't know how to do things differently?" Things started making sense and I began understanding why I was the way I was. Compassion and patience for myself just naturally followed. But it's important to remember that even though others are at fault for what you're dealing with, that doesn't mean you're not responsible for... fixing your problems, for lack of a better term. Hope this helps and good luck

[@baddy_good_daddy1714]

This is the single most comprehensive and easy to understand explanation of emotional disregulation and maladaptive coping mechanisms I’ve ever heard. Thank you so much, Heidi! I feel like I found this at the perfect time in my journey and I am so grateful.

[@alexandrachapman5134]

"You ought to be ashamed of yourself." This all I remember my grandmother saying to me; she said it about my anger, sadness, jealousy, pride, and definitely my body.

[@lindadavis8534]

😢

[@BillionaireDinner]

Oh wow a repressed memory of my mother saying this to me all the time too has just popped up holy crap

[@alexandrachapman5134]

@BillionaireDinner Oh, man. It makes me so sad for our little selves and, presumably, the inner children of many others. Brené's work on Shame and Vulnerability shook me when I read it 10 years ago. It took me 7 more to regain myself enough to go no-contact with my mother in 2021. Challenges continue, but I feel better whenever I choose myself.

[@Scrumpleey]

My grandmother and guardian (orphan here) Would do this to me. She called me a binger when I would eat a little more because I was hungry she passed away and all my trauma with her is coming to the surface. She had an internalized ED and would compare her things to mine and tell me hers were tiny ughhh

[@TammyAnderson-fk4qo]

GRRRR.!! Those dreaded 7 words I always was told too! I wasn't allowed to do anything or go anywhere so I never got the opportunity to actually experience anything that I COULD be ashamed of!!!

[@shelleyf7676]

Heidi, why do you take a subject I think I completely understand and unwrap it so gently and completely, fold-by-fold, until I am suddenly in a brand new space of understanding?? I'm standing here again with a surprise gift of understanding. What a beautiful skill. Thank you for continuing to create content for us.

[@stephaniebabin]

What a perfect way of describing it!

[@dgvfsa66]

The purpose of my anger/shame bond was two-fold. My true feeling was "hurt". But I learned if I showed "hurt" I became vulnerable for more "hurt." Therefore, I lashed out in anger to keep my abusers afraid of me, AND away from me. Unfortunately, I still instinctually protect myself with anger.

[@RomiNa-wo6mu]

I'm so glad that anger helped you back then, tho❤

[@godspeed4241]

This is soo relatable. For me it was also hurt. And I learnt that if I showed hurt I become more hurt. So i learnt to flee situations that brought "hurt" out to protect myself. Now I am in my 20s finding it really difficult to trust anyone in my life because everyone in my life has at some point brought out this "hurt".

[@kylesweeney3059]

That's a great explanation. If I feel hurt I get more hurt. Then it turns into resentment quickly. Basically shaming a normal human emotion is shaming yourself as bad.

[@kalleskit]

I've followed your content for a while now, and every single one of your videos have immense value. As someone generally interested in psychology and the human experience, I'm learning so much from your way of teaching things. But I really want to say that you've helped me personally too, and I just want to say I'm deeply grateful for your presence, compassion and wisdom. This video hit a bit harder than most, as a 29-year old who's felt weird and whose feelings have not been given space since I was at least 7. The meaning and importance of connection, within and out, is made so clear. Few people mention exactly how all-encompassing and completely suffocating shame can be, on so many levels. When you mentioned excitement, it made me realize again how I'm not only afraid of expressing my heavier, negative feelings, but also my joy. I've always been a loving person, excited about people and the world, and I played that down for the sake of my environment. Time to shine. As a side-note, since you're not my actual therapist, if you'll excuse it: you're hella cute.

[@123mymona]

Love this😎

[@hafeezhmha]

Kudos to you! Sending compassion and love for everyone working on releasing their core emotions from the prison of toxic shame! And 😂 she is hella cute fr

[@TalehTech]

Thanks for sharing. Nice to see you shining and doing you. I’ve had the same experience and appreciate you expressing it so well 🙏🏼❤️

[@faith6809]

I can relate on the Joy! Time to fucking shine indeed!! ❤💕

[@Wiggy8]

Take care of this now as much as you can. I’m 64 and just becoming aware of this. You have possibly many more years/chances to feel at peace than I have left. Please take care as soon as you are able…

[@People-Like-You]

Heidi, I've had more help from your videos than from years of therapy. I hope I can one day help others as you do now. Currently navigating a depression with some nice limerence on the top - and your videos helped me see, and find words, for what I'm going through. Great to have you back (& feel like you've got our backs)

[@mariagoldstein5494]

I agree. Learned more than 15 years of therapy.

[@mariagoldstein5494]

I got this weird email to message you Heidi and idk if you got hacked? Something about telegram

[@JonahHW]

​@@mariagoldstein5494that's a scam that's been going around, where people impersonate youtubers and ask people to message them elsewhere (often telegram) so they can ask for things. You did the right thing confirming through a separate communication channel rather than following the instructions in a suspicious email.

[@wendyparise2925]

I received it too, pretending to be Heidi @@mariagoldstein5494

[@hollo0o583]

for me reading was that first drug. My dad was an alcoholic who hung him self. Thankfully I always related to him to an unhealthy extent which left me convinced that if I ever tried any of the traditionally addictive things that is exactly where I would end. Alone in a different country six feet under. I developed an unhealthy obsession for reading before I understood what was happening. Since that already happened I allowed myself to latch onto audiobooks and music in my late teens. Long form video content slowly creeped in without me noticing and I’m currently trying to get away from it. Right now I’m 20 and this video made me realise how far I’ve come! At 15 (right when my dad died) I got to a really bad place. I was tired of pretending and decided that it wasn’t worth it from then on I would answer as honestly as I could even if they didn’t like what they saw. I decided that I am no longer the one who’s responsible of making sure everyone is feeling good, I am no longer the one damned to walk on eggshells and as the years went by it got better and better. I realised shame based self punishing behaviours and stopped them. I started trying to have regular short surface level conversations with the people around me. I realised how obsessed I sometimes get with some people usually without even knowing them because I think that they’re a decent human being and I want to be liked by them making all my self worth dependent on how they are feeling and behaving around me. I still tend to self isolate, one of the most extreme habits I struggle breaking. But I’m working on it! Thank you for the video! And sorry that I trauma dumped… again… boundaries are difficult.

[@salmakeid]

All my life i've been searching for an answer to those complex and seemingly endless symptoms and maladaptive coping mechanisms i had that i started feeling maybe i have something fundamentally wrong in me because how can one person be "diagnosed" with all those things, finding your channel feels like i've finally reached the root cause and i've finally got on the right track and this is where i can start fixing everything from the ground up,thank you for the knowledge and for the hope you gave me :)

[@ericka606]

I have been watching your backlog of videos for the past couple of months...actually your "10 signs you may be anxiously attached...." video was one of the most intensely uncomfortable and trajectory redirecting videos I have seen. I was not aware of Attachment Theory and it was "that moment" I had spent a lifetime looking for! Thank you so much for your work, it has been a true life-line, sincerely. So nice to be here on a day you release a video and to be able to say thank you. 💕

[@3raxha]

I've been connecting a lot lately with the idea that safety /security can only come through truth. I've noticed that people with shame-bound emotions/identities tend to have this general feeling of unease or un-safety or dread that permeates their lives. Looking at it with the lens of the insight in this video, a shame bound emotion is the same as a denial of truth which is a denial of reality. So no wonder there is this feeling of "wrongness" when we are so disconnected from this realness with ourselves and our experience. I also appreciate the affirmation of how exhausting this is emotionally. If even a couple core emotions are shame-bound someone will spend the majority of their day battling feelings of shame that spiral deeper and deeper. Feeling shame itself becomes shame bound in a never-ending loop. It's no wonder so many of us go to the extreme to escape from those feelings with substances and other disttractions, and feel stuck despite attempting lots of work on ourselves. I am excited for more videos on this series -- I would love to have a video that laid out steps to determine which emotions are shame bound to which judgements (for example, anger being tied to selfishness like in your example). And I would especially like to see a video specifically on having shame-bound disgust, because I feel this is often overlooked as a core emotion.

[@the.emc33]

I have been reading through "Healing the Shame that Binds You", since your previous videos on C-PTSD and toxic shame resonated with me. I was struggling to identify with the causes of shame binding described in the book, since I didn't have a severely disruptive upbringing like the book focuses on. However, when you mention here that the more insidious situations experienced from an emotionally illiterate caregiver incorrectly naming and then shaming an emotion can cause just as - if not more- harmful effects leading to complex toxic shame, the alarm bells went off for me. As always there are so many useful nuggets to explore and unpack here. Thank you.

[@debutchi]

there’s quite literally endless shame when it comes to living as an autistic person, I’ve internalized that the entirety of my being is worthless because I can’t keep up with society or living life like the average person on top of being told over and over throughout my life from nearly every classmate and authority figure I’ve know that I’m stupid, annoying, and ugly. but also with autism comes things like alexithymia which is a struggle in naming your emotions or internal state/thoughts which makes me think understanding and regulating myself to be an impossible task. Needless to say I do have to isolate due to being socially inept and having communication related struggles but also from being significantly verbally abused by most people I’ve come into contact with, especially in the workplace. I expect a lifetime of prejudice for not being born neurotypical. If anyone has any resources on dealing with toxic shame while being on autism spectrum it would be much appreciated.

[@alexandrachapman5134]

Hi there. I hear the pain, sadness, and despondency in the way you describe the way people have treated you and your emotions. I can relate, and I feel sad for both of us. I've found some new ways of thinking and tools that are helping me. Learning everything I can about autism, C-PTSD, abuse and neglect, narcissism, toxic shame, introspection, defensiveness, self-love, anything about self-discovery, and self-care, has helped me. The trick is then to use the knowledge gained and make actual changes to your thoughts which leads to an ability to make changes to your actions. While we can't change others, we can change ourselves. I encourage you to look for times when you feel upset, and try something different. Start by thinking about it a little differently. How many actions could you take that would differ from your pattern? Get silly with options. When healing feels daunting and onerous and impossible, I enjoy taking my imagination to extremely weird and new options. It makes healing funnier to me, and reminds me of the innumerable ways I can change my habits and patterns, which logically then change my experience, and, eventually, the entirety of a life. I believe in you. I learned that I wasn't feeling my emotions, which was confusing, because I was very talented at intellectualizing them. Now, I've learned to feel my own emotions deeply and process them through my body so I can move on to anything else. I was stuck for so long. Frankly, to me you sound like most autistic people I know: articulate and easy to understand. I wonder if your difficulties communicating with other people lie in your ability to relay information, versus their unwillingness to understand.

[@darlingcorinne]

I’m not on the spectrum and don’t have any resources but I just wanted to tell you that I am sorry that people have been so cruel to you. And I wondered if you had tried any peer support groups or online communities for ASD? Although I wouldn’t compare my experience to yours in severity, I have felt a lot of shame around my ADHD-related failures and basically my daily fuckups and the way I chronically disappoint others and fail to measure up. About 2 years ago I started getting involved in online adhd peer support groups and it really changed my life. I now have a community of people who understand my struggles and we can learn from each other and offer support as we grow and improve. I used to want to hide from people because I was so ashamed. It’s so much easier for me now to interact with neurotypical people because I have lifted so much of that shame and depression.

[@M_SC]

Are you being abused at work or are people holding you accountable for bad behaviour? You seem to have latched into the lable as an excuse to “never be able to regulate”. Do you really think others shouldn’t be angry when you break all the social rules? That’s quite different than saying you are ugly and other abuse. I hope you get the resources you need to improve your self esteem, find your place, be accepted, have your neurodivergence learned about and accommodated and accepted *without* just saying “I can break all the rules and no one should feel negatively about it because I’m autistic”.

[@debutchi]

@@M_SC way to make the ugliest assumption about someone you literally know nothing about thank you!

[@hecticharmony7779]

i’m high functioning and something that sort of helped me is developing my mask more. I like to go on youtube videos for social skills and emulate some of the things i see. I don’t understand a lot of social platitudes, but i understand that they are important. Masking very well + having close friends you can unmask around can “teach” you how to appear to others. We’re not worthless, we’re just different! some of history’s most amazing and intelligent people are like us. Once i realized that society was one big performance i stopped feeling guilty about not fitting into it. i don’t care if someone doesn’t like me, because chances are they don’t like themselves

[@cassidychase5880]

I’m stunned. I have BPD & what you said explains every symptom I have that seemed til now like massive, intimidating, separate riddles. THANK YOUx1,000

[@RedRose-id4sd]

This topic is so important. I didn't know the difference between shame and embarrassment. Embarrassment leaves quickly. Shame is almost like gaslighting. I think many people have shame but don't realize it's a problem.

[@salivadriven]

I’m 52 and only just discovering toxic shame, something I was raised with. So obvious to me now. Trouble is I have adult children who are angry young women, avoidant and judgemental. The result of my parenting. And here I am, fawning to stay in their lives, while they angrily shame me just like my parents. It’s a heartbreaking cycle.

[@M_SC]

Well no, they’re not shaming you just like your parents. You just said that they are angry, avoidant, etc because of your parenting. So they’re not treating an innocent vulnerable child like that like your parents did. They’re treating you that way. Owning up To your bad behaviour isn’t fawning. Stop fawning immediately and honesty be sorry for what you did.

[@pettahulme8288]

This is the exact same as what my mum does with us three daughter and a brother all adults one sister has just cut her off alltogher at least you are aware my mum has not got a clue she takes no accountability but what can we do she is 82 luckily she does have friends (we dont) so it's not totally on us to make sure she is OK but I still get mad at her ignorance but I would don't be too people pleasing to them or they won't respect you xx

[@jomr4249]

@@M_SCYou’re trying to force shame upon this commenter, once again. She’s allowed to forgive herself for any mistakes she may have made as a parent and want to experience being truly loved and happy. It is possible she is fawning towards her daughter, I’m sure she knows herself and her behaviors much better than you, a stranger on the internet, does.

[@SmartStart24]

@@jomr4249I notice OP was very descriptive of the negative aspects of her daughters’ personalities but not of her parenting….. things that make you go hmmm 🤔 I’m inclined to agree with the first commenter. People are always rushing to coddle parents who perpetuate abusive cycles because they pantomime a sort of very shallow accountability and it annoys me. Those of us who were raised by parents like this can see straight through it.

[@jomr4249]

@@SmartStart24 I’m pretty sure she was just being real with how her daughter acts. No reason to lie on a KZbin comment. I had a disappointing childhood with my mother and I was very harsh on her as well at some points. So I was also raised by parents just like this and I have a completely different opinion. No one is perfect, but your parent is a human. It’s very possible for people to make mistakes due to their own traumas and then need to release from constant toxic shame due to that. This is why I may not have the closest bond ever with my mom but I don’t constantly hold grudges and throw stuff in her face.

[@Mossy_Bark]

I never realized, in all my 28 years on this planet, that I was growing more and more shameful of myself and the way I behave around other people. I never imagined that shame is the reason I feel like I don't know myself, like I'm clueless as to what I want to do an who I want to be. I was a pretty short-fused child, I'd fight ALOT, and growing up I thought maybe pushing down all those angry feelings would help me feel more in control, more acceptable, It was. But what it also did was completely degenerate my assertiveness, my ability to stand up for myself, because I was worried of losing control, of getting angry and regretting my actions. I didn't know how to regulate this anger, nobody really showed me how to channel it toward a more productive outcome. No idea where to start.. But I guess recognizing it can be one.

[@M_SC]

Anger is judgement of external factors. Shame is judgement of the self. You switched from one judgement “they shouldn’t be that way” to “I shouldn’t be that way”. If this last one is your main self regulation principle, no wonder you lost yourself! You’re supposed to be annoyed/angry every 5 min, that’s just life. Unfortunately the online materials aren’t presented well, but the group Recovery international helped me a lot. It’s a peer led similar to CBT self help group. Nothing to do with 12 step groups, but you do get together like one. Most of what I’ve said is from the writings of the psychiatrist who invented the method.

[@shininglight1630]

Neat! So toxic shame keeps us away from our social groups making us feel unworthy to be connected. Healthy shame keeps us connected to our social groups. Very nice clarity gift. Thank you.

[@Seeyatellite]

Thank you Heidi. Each and every example you’ve given resonated with me… a tear came to my eyes when you mentioned joy and its annoyingness. I also wanted to add fear. “You’re too old to be afraid of the dark.” “You’re afraid of basements? That’s stupid! It’s just a room!” “You’re afraid of lakes? That’s ridiculous!” I’m happy to be back in therapy. Hoping to regulate and heal so I might be able to seek some healthy relationships. Definitely focusing on healthy, non-dependent friendships while working through things.

[@Mushroom321-]

" the anger ", is telling me to set boundries " YES!!, wonderfully put !! 🎉🎉 thank you !! 😼👆👆😲

[@elizabethwilliams6651]

Psychedelics are just an exceptional mental health breakthrough. It's quite fascinating how effective they are against depression and anxiety. Saved my life.

[@APOLLINAIREBARTHOLOMIEU]

Can you help with the reliable source I would really appreciate it. Many people talk about mushrooms and psychedelics but nobody talks about where to get them. Very hard to get a reliable source here in Australia. Really need!

[@Jennifer-bw7ku]

Yes, dr.sporessss. I have the same experience with anxiety, depression, PTSD and addiction and Mushrooms definitely made a huge huge difference to why am clean today.

[@steceymorgan814]

I wish they were readily available in my place. Microdosing was my next plan of care for my husband. He is 59 & has so many mental health issues plus probable CTE & a TBI that left him in a coma 8 days. It's too late now I had to get a TPO as he's 6'6 300+ pound homicidal maniac. He's constantly talking about killing someone. He's violent. Anyone reading this Familiar w/ BPD know if it is common for an obsession with violence.

[@APOLLINAIREBARTHOLOMIEU]

Is he on instagram?

[@Jennifer-bw7ku]

Yes he is. dr.sporessss

[@Sweetdevotion358]

Thank you! For me that enlightened person was my partner (I had been doing emotional healing work to attract him ofc!) he’s so different to all my exs. I even broke up with him 2.5 years in and we spent a number of months in separation and now we’re back together. He’s just so safe. So loving. He teaches me how to love myself. I said to him today I feel like we parent each other 😂 its very beautiful and I’m so grateful to have him ❤ his humour helps too. I went through a phase where I would get freeze response and he told me to hide inside his shoulder instead of away from him! Reinforced the idea that he’s safe to be authentic with! ❤

[@tomatoeggs48]

Emotional regulation difficulties don’t necessarily come from big traumas. The experience of having certain emotions becoming shame-bound at a young age can also lead to the suppression of healthy emotional expression. Meaning, you can’t experience these emotions directly, and you can’t deal with these emotions directly, which leads to chronic dysregulation. Shame is designed as a (neutral) signal that something we are doing will likely get us ostracized from our social group. So, it helps us monitor our behavior so that we behave pro-socially. Ultimately, its purpose is to keep us in connection with others. Toxic shame is when we believe that it’s not the kicking that’s wrong but the anger. The problem is that we are not in control of what emotions we get to feel. So, we believe that WE are the thing that must be inhibited in order to keep ourselves in connection with others. All we can control is how we choose to deal with that anger, that is, in more pro-social ways or more anti-social ways. The anger itself is a perfectly normal and healthy emotion to have. But toxic shame tells us that our authentic emotions are wrong. In childhood, we turn to our parents to understand what we are feeling and to know what to do with it. In early and healthy experiences of co-regulation, the caregiver identifies our emotions correctly and explains effective strategies to deal with them. In experiences leading to toxic shame, the parent will meet our emotion(s), like, for instance, anger with reactions (e.g. disgust, rejection,...) which leads us to feel shame and to associate that anger with shame. Sometimes, there's another layer of complexity that comes from them mislabelling our emotions (e.g. calling our anger "selfishness" or calling our sadness "being dramatic") and shaming us for our emotions. The problem is that it is not true to the internal experience. Shame is a very dysregulating experience so when we feel shame we tend to need to comfort ourselves in some way around that shame this in and of itself can be a very big task for the emotional system to chronically deal with but where it gets even more complicated is if you have a complex shame-bound emotion. Let's say your sadness is associated with being pathetic. When we get sad, we need to comfort ourselves. But when we are being pathetic, we would tough up, compartmentalize our feelings, and push down our feelings of distress. The problem is that if those are the actions I'm taking every time I feel sad I'm actually creating an environment that is less comforting for myself and my sadness ends up getting bigger.

[@darkcreatureinadarkroom1617]

Right as I was watching your video I was able to uncover what apparently was a heavily shame bound feeling for me: disgust. The problem is (sensory) disgust is so often tied to things we "are supposed to do", that we replace it with shaming statements like "laziness" or "being a slob", until we end up believing it... Time to now go sit with this feeling and see what I can learn from it. Thank you for being my enlightened witness Heidi 🙏❤

[@Michelle-kw8dc]

i was in near-constant therapy for 15 years. every time i tried to express my true feelings i'd get slammed with the CBT wall. therapy did nothing but make the toxic shame worse. i'm grateful to have words for this now.

[@anthoras]

What do you mean by "the CBT wall"? Do you mean that your therapist(s) basically tried to slap a label on and fix you, instead of trying to understand you?

[@ChrisGuo-di5op]

@@anthoras hi, not the original commenter, but i've experienced a similar thing that sounds like that. In the past, I've greatly expressed to therapists that I felt something was "wrong with me" because my emotions felt disproportionate to the reality in front of me. It would have been helpful if the therapist pinpointed that "wrongness" as being shame, described what shame was, and operated from a point of acknowledging that my shame was creating behavior that did not align with the underlying **real** emotion. Instead, my therapists heard me say "I feel extremely angry sometimes and I think it's wrong, thus I feel anxious and depressed" and decided to treat the anxiety and depression using CBT instead of helping me feel anger in a regulated way. CBT always felt as if I was gaslighting myself into NOT feeling my emotions, which I think only made the shame worse (e.g. "Why can't I just convince myself to feel better???")

[@nomadak723]

I was having an ugly-cry this morning about... Complex shame patterns snarled in recent and past relationships. I'm listening to your video, and I'm crying again, but *now* in a cathartic "I feel understood/I understand myself better now" sense, and oh my gods this insight was perfect for the moment. Thank you for what you do.

[@XeroFoxx]

It's a good day when Heidi posts a video 🎉

[@sebastiendeloumeaux7372]

Hi Heidi, I'm so glad you did this video and used excitement/lust as an example because this is so me. Every time I get excited about something or someone I feel shame and these days I was wondering why I couldn't get to motivate myself. As usual, I'm so impressed by your clarity and how practical your explanation is. It is so freeing to realize that I make sense and the emotional mess I'm feeling is simply due to the lack of tools and guidance I experienced and that made my emotions snowball out of control. Thanks to your insights, I know I will get my life in order. I'm so grateful to you. Keep up the great work. ❤

[@Cevalip]

Ahh! I was getting better at self-regulating, but got completely disregulated saturday and couldn't quite figure out, why I wasn't feeling better... I was trying to make the shame go away instead of the sadness!🤯 Good to know!🙂

[@stephaniesantaguida9503]

I want everyone I know to watch this video. One thing that really jumped out at me is 28:19 "You are not inherently broken, flawed, weird, messed up, weird, or any of those things you might be telling yourself at your core. You just developed compensatory mechanism on top of compensatory mechanism for trying to regulate yourself when you did not have access to skills that would help you regulate directly." I tell people all the time, sometimes compensation injuries can be worse than the original injury itself. You twist your ankle and don't get it treated, so you walk funny and before you know it, your other leg and your back are giving you problems and the original ankle injury is healed but parts of your body that weren't originally impacted are now showing signs of distress. This is the same thing writ large in mental health

[@marshelglidden1734]

I come to KZbin to learn how to fix things. Never expected to find a resource that would help me fix myself. Thank you from the bottom of my heart Heidi.

[@dorianrawls1927]

This video has to be the very definition of anti-coaching. This is so detailed and accurate I'm baffled. No attempt to "dumb down" or sugarcoat things, not trying to give false advice to make people feel good at the expense of the truth. Thanks, very informative and makes a lot of sense.

[@solutanbrun]

26:23 ENLIGHTENED WITNESS!! THATS THE WORD IVE BEEN LOOKING FOR FOR SO LONG! I’ve come quite far in my healing journey, and I’ve been wondering for some time why I find this type of videos on KZbin so helpful. I guess it’s because when I find someone who talks about something that hits home in me they are my enlightened witness. I’ve found it so much more fruitful to understand the problem in theory first and then look at myself and my issues, but whenever I’ve been to a psychologist or therapist I always have to start with myself and my story and that often derails the conversation since I’m too worked up to talk about anything else but my pain. I makes sense if you think of it as someone guiding you through something by giving you the right words for it - instead of holding my hand in a dark forest the enlightened witness actually gives me a map (maybe a rudimentary one, but it’s still a map). In not as lost anymore, and I also feel empowered. Wonderful!

[@anjathiele4127]

You put it so beautifully…. I think those videos exactly take the role of mirroring and witnessing our real inner world and therefore re-validating us so much…. There actually is something called the Pesso Therapy, where witnessing is made a ritual part of the healing. Found it in the book from Bessel van der Kolk. Just remembered it now. SO interesting.

[@solutanbrun]

@@anjathiele4127 omg thank you 🥰 That sounds really interesting! I’m gonna look into it. Thanks for the tip ❤️

[@victorcraraujo]

I've been studying about this topic for a couple months now. The more I read, the more I get fascinated by it. Now I can almost touch with my own fingers when I'm overwhelmed by toxic shame. Your channel has been so so so important in my recovery, you have no ideia, Heidi - the amount of times I rewatched lots of your videos...KZbin should make its own version of Spotify Wrapped but for videos hahaha. I'm in therapy now and although my therapist isn't trauma specialized, it's been very helpful as well. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

[@laurelemitchell103]

The most beautifully articulated, clear and concise explanation of emotional dysregulation and shame I've ever come across, both personally and as a counsellor of going on 20 years. Thanks, Heidi!

[@TheJilayne]

One of the best videos I've ever seen on shame, emotional dysregulation, and compulsive behaviour. Thanks so much!

[@lailakhan8892]

Istg

[@tyllrt]

you came back at the right time. I was avoiding, procrastinating, then waiting on a therapist. tomorrow I finally have my first real session, now I can address my toxic shame with some clarity! I cant go through a day without breaking down for feeling pathetic. I cant stop hating myself. ugh thank you so much for laying out real the factors at play here, core emotions, mentally ill parents, and feeling dysregulated. You’re really skilled at clearing things up and making me feel hopeful, I cant thank you enough!

[@M_SC]

We all want you to be happier

[@Mushroom321-]

" the experience of behaving in an annoying way is NOT THE same of being annoying while happy " THANK YOU FOR mentioning this .. !!

[@ananananabop]

This video has helped me more than YEARS of therapy as a depressed and anxious child. Thank you

[@user-qt3rd6cj4c]

Thanks Heidi! I feel like this should be taught in high school or something. There are a lot of people including myself that can go 10-20+ years dealing with this, harming ourselves and others. We can either avoid relationships and starting a family like the plague, or get into one just to set things up for failure and damage others. I think society as a whole would benefit massively helping people early on, instead of many of us seeking out answers ourselves when things have festered and warped our perceptions. Thanks again, you're helping a lot of people.

[@benjamintice6400]

Thank you for making more videos! I was so afraid you'd stopped. All of your videos have helped me heal and grow from CPTSD. I literally started tearing up when you started talking about anger being framed as selfishness and joy being framed as annoyance. Both of these incorrect labels have had such a *massive* impact on me. Both of my abusive partners have told me I'm selfish and always when I've finally revealed my anger over their behavior. I stopped feeling joy and acting out of my joy, being positive and hopeful because I was told multiple times it was annoying by my peers, who all came from very rough homes. I gave that up to fit in.

[@mst2585]

My experience growing up and throughout my adult life is that my feelings do not matter. I'm still struggling with this, and your video has really helped me see things in a different and new perspective. Thank you, Heidi ❤

[@cathycarr8085]

Heidi, you are amazing. Your clear and simple description of toxic shame finally makes sense. The examples you provide are an added bonus. Thank you. 70 and finally getting the tools I need to heal. Thank you.

[@ally_in_exodus]

Thank you for discerning between healthy and toxic shame, as well. That inside of a healthy social system, it has its place as a profound regulating function. Unfortunately, this is why it’s been abused so much… because it gets results by abusive types. That being said, Ive come across a number of influencers on the topic almost treating shame as a whole as toxic and indiscriminate. This is not a healthy rx for any kind of rehabilitation so, i appreciate coming across those with a talent for discernment and communication.

[@123mymona]

Fantastic video, Heidi. You have a true gift of being able to drill down into the very heart of what’s really happening with maladaptive coping mechanisms (a tough job, but you just get it!) In this case, you explain the confusing, troubling, and oftentimes depressing feelings of toxic shame coupled with dysregulated emotions, and you do so quite eloquently. Amazing, thank you so much for this-it is so helpful!☯️

[@varnishyourboard]

In my 47 years on earth, I had one meaningful 18 month relationship 4 years ago. The shame that brings and the coping mechanisms I use to push that shame away creates a viscious cycle. You nail it again Heidi!

[@ShadowDisorder]

Just got back from therapy taking about toxic shame and bringing up your videos. Now my therapist watches you too! Thank you so much Heidi!!!

[@stacig5997]

This was just so good. It reminds me that sometimes therapy fails certain people because some just want an explanation for their experience and heal through direct learning. I learned that I need to separate the shame from my sadness and be okay with just being sad. Great video

[@johnpatterson6448]

God! I am in awe of this lady’s crystal-clear explanations. She and the Crappy Childhood Fairy have provided me with a roadmap

[@krullrot]

Welcome back, Heidi! Lovely to see you posting again!

[@elodyluna]

HEIDI HOW ARE YOU SO SMART. Finally there are words for what I have experienced my whole life, feeling like the biggest overthinking insane loner with nowhere or no one to relate to. I wish I could cry, I’m in such a deep depression that has always kind of been there and trying, so hard to change my life and make it my own. All I want is to not suffer and experience joy on a normal daily basis. Anyways, always thank you Heidi. I can’t believe you’re so good at what you do and I’m so genuinely eternally grateful that your videos exist. I wanna cry and scream

[@TheWasthereonce]

Hey, I've been watching a lot of your videos and getting a lot from it. I think it's great how you're spreading awareness of attachment theory concepts that most people have never even heard of. So thanks for what you're doing for the world!

[@karenvanhook6748]

This is amazing. I got into one of these shame spirals recently and last night it got so bad that I couldn't sleep. And then this morning I found this video, and holy cow -- it's so right. As soon as I start exploring, I find all these "misnamed" emotions that I feel shame about. Just starting to name them correctly makes me feel like a weight is starting to come off and I can breathe again. What a helpful video you have made here. Thank you for sharing it.

[@kigaigaia]

that makes incredible sense! yesterday i had another anxiety attack, not being able to deal with my emotions nor understand what it is that I'm feeling and that happens quite often. This video miraculously found me and as I barely can recall any memories of my childhood, it blew my mind and it makes so much sense to me now what might have happened! thank you so much

[@bukhtawarazhar4825]

This was so good. I just realised that I’ve always felt so dis regulated when anxious or sad because I’ve always had shame associated with it. I feel pathetic about myself when I feel those feelings and that usually makes me so much more dis regulated than needed. This doesn’t happen to me when I’m angry or happy. I always feel my anger is justified as is my happiness. I feel very comfortable, even if not pleasant, feeling and expressing anger. But sadness and anxiety are two emotions I don’t have a very healthy relationship with and struggle to manage whenever they come up.

[@barbaraperry8763]

You’ve changed my life in so many ways Heidi. I hope that one day you give a talk or something in London,UK!

[@ronwisegamgee]

This was a very comprehensive discussion towards the topic of how toxic shame leads to chronic dysregulation. Lots of "pulling back the curtain" moments here. I look forward to deeper analysis of the individual components of this subject matter.

[@mothmoth4366]

I worry about fixating on parent's mistakes - I think it leads to negative rumination and judgementality... but this definitley explains why it is important to go back to early childhood events. Amazing video.

[@MrsAngloOrtho]

Please put this series of videos on shame in a playlist, so we can easily find them!

[@reverendgirl40]

It cannot be overstated how incredibly insightful, wise, informed, and helpful these videos are. Heidi, you are saving us all! Thank you🙏

[@mcgoogs]

All of these videos on toxic shame have been life-changing! I can never thank you enough for your incredible clarity, intelligence, and compassion.

[@van8cab98]

This was so painful, confusing, enlightening and liberating to listen to. I have gone to therapy for 18 years, and am a grad student in psychology. I am livid that I have never heard of this before. Your video changed my life in 24 minutes. Thank you so much!

[@skjelm6363]

I didn't know that shame is a cover-up for other feelings. Like a Plug to seal other emotions. Explains a lot to me. So it would be ok to kind of ignore the shame, because it comes up in me afterwards i felt something and destroys everthing. Thank you a lot for another puzzle piece!

[@limitbreakingcat]

I happy cried after finishing this. What a relief it is to understand and feel understood. I always felt like my emotions followed some kind of rule/logic although it was hidden from me! Thank you for caring about people!

[@JakeStainbackMusic]

“If I tried to show people what was up for me, I would probably just get shamed even further for the fact that my emotions make no sense” She just called out my entire childhood in one sentence

[@aaronbrodsky5527]

This is the best description of what I've been trying to figure out about myself for years. It makes perfect sense that I wouldn't know what I don't know. You can't feel it if you can't name it and therefore you can't heal it

[@Duck72432]

Who paused this video 5 times and walked off in a shame response to emotions it was evoking 🙋‍♂️

[@somav8]

I love how she cognitively explains the statement "The devil is a lie."

[@fartmagus]

I think i know that healthy shame can exist. i don't understand how toxic shame isn't traumatic. it feels like the wounds that shame creates and the shame and suppression forced onto us over years seems like trauma. At least i want to call it mistreatment or even abuse because people have often minimized their mistreatment of me as only a mistake.

[@rarebirdjones]

At 5 yo. my father threw me down a water slide I was completely terrified of. Stealing my autonomy and forever after deregulating my ability to recognize situations where I rightly should be terrified. To this day I have a really hard time recognizing threats and as a result I am frequently stepping into situations that are otherwise to be avoided or where I am taken advantage of. It is at least apart of the ongoing pattern of infantilization and dependence on others for judgement in avoiding mistakes -among other disrupting events like that one. Thank you for this enlightening talk. Good work and great delivery

[@Mushroom321-]

AWESOME EXPLAINING of how showing anger & if rejected can result in chronuc shame.. 😲

[@shannone8219]

I’m 53 and just now it’s sinking in that my toxic shame isn’t due to my bad decisions as a teen and adult, but rather from my cold and teasing parents. I also sinking in after watching another of your videos that I am a dismissive avoidant. I fear losing the few relationships I have. How do I find a therapist like you? I attended therapy for 6 sessions in 2022 and named some trauma but I need to do a lot more work. Thank you for these videos. I’ll be binge watching your videos : )

[@JP1]

Outstanding video Heidi. You have an incredible gift to take these complex topics and explaining them in way that us common folk can benefit from. Thank you. Please continue your work.

[@marcisalac]

I can’t say enough how helpful it is. For people who are illiterate with their emotional language, and struggle all life to understand it you found and gave a hope to final understand it. I am looking for next videos. Man, there is no any other creator now, I am more exited to be notified about. This should be named as Learning emotional language you always wanted to know but never was able to understand. My journey just became much easier and I feel full of hope. In every video you can see the amount of time and effort and research, and work you put into. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

[@veh1995]

can't believe your content is free, thank you for everything you do!

[@julia1j1j1]

Missed you a lot and this is exactly the topic I'm working on at the moment. Amazing synchronicity!

[@adamrosefire]

This is so wise, but it’s funny how I almost feel like I’m in kindergarten, and she’s my kindergarten teacher, teaching me what I should’ve learned long ago.

[@M_SC]

Yes. But it makes sense. That’s what kindergarten is for, learning how to deal with yourself in a social group.

[@fattidiliberta]

Indeed😅- and it is so so so helpful and soothing

[@andrew_s_learn6255]

Every time I watch one of your videos, I find something else I’ve been doing wrong for 25+ years. Thank you for this great explanation.

[@georockstar09]

You're back! I want to just add, it's not just our caregivers that can teach us the wrong names for emotions. It can also be older siblings who themselves are still learning things, and tell their younger siblings some very wrong things in the absence of conscientious parents to monitor sibling interactions. And then these behaviors persist into adulthood! If a younger sibling only has the older one to go to for information, they start learning "you're being a drama queen (for being upset)", "god, you're so annoying (for wanting connection)", "it's all about you, you, you, and all about YOUR needs (for being angry)". Some literal quotes from my own sibling...

[@lionwomanworld]

So true!

[@jeralynrose2917]

Fellow ENFP here, your videos really hit home for me. Toxic shame has been my main focus of healing recently due and this is one title that was perfect! I often feel the stress of feeling disregulated so often. I’d rather be home than to deal with ppl. Yeah, me, and ENFP. I love ppl but certain environments like my job really trigger me. I hate it. So learning how to process it and take my power back.

[@vemrith]

Same, I feel like I’ve explored all the dark corners of the other side of my ambiversion

[@BeHappyNoMatterWhat]

I can relate, I often get triggered at my job. I think shame has a lot to do with it

[@mccleanphotography]

Same same enfp with trauma as well

[@crystallaner230]

I'm intj and have loved 2 Enfps in my life. Shame on their ends destroyed the relationship with me and honestly everyone they touched. I hope you find peace I know mine never will and it's so unnecessary and sad. Also you guys tend to rely on substances (caffeine, drugs, alcohol, smoking) and it makes it worse.

[@brianmcclean2481]

@@crystallaner230 Its really complex ptsd as well. Yes, it is sad, and yes it sucks but I don't think we are lost cause forever. At least I hope not, living like this sucks. I keep being told to find Jesus but that hasn't been working either. It frustrates me more.

[@amandawitman]

Thank you, Heidi!! I have been hoping for this. You and your work are deeply appreciated!!!

[@masterphillips]

I've cried more times watching Heidi in the past week than I have in all my 35 years.

[@anthonycooper1602]

So I purchased a book titled How To Help Your Child Clean Up Their Mental mess. The book reads for adults but has illustrations and text to be able to be explained to children. The book goes over mind-body connections and how certain thoughts create emotions that transpire to physical sensation , if continuously unchecked it can lead to not only mental but physical health decline . I purchased the book because I wanted my inner child as well as my 20yr old self to understand what I feel and how to regulate better since I’ve just ended a 2month situation where I intended to start a relationship went in with good intentions but seemingly got strung along I’m grateful because I searched randomly why I felt a certain way in relationships and fell down a rabbit hole to discover I have dysfunctional ways and habits that have repeated but I don’t know how and feel powerless to stop them .

[@jlskeptic]

My mom would tell me, "If you're showing emotion, you're being manipulative." That caused me to believe that being emotionally honest showed I was a bad person.

[@anuradhamallyashukla18]

Don’t have enough words to thank you for this video, Heide!! This is GOLD!

[@RaganThomason]

My mind is blown! I didn't even have the words for what I was doing or the terminology, let alone known why. I think the world would be a different place if everyone was to come across this knowledge! This has helped me so much I'm so glad I found your page! Thank you!

[@FanFix787]

I`m so happy that YOU are back!