The Biggest Blindspot Of People With Low Self-Esteem (& How To Keep It From Ruining Relationships)

[@heidipriebe1]

Please Note: I do not have a telegram account and will not contact you privately for any reason. If someone reaches out to you based on a comment you have left claiming to be me, this is a fraudulent account.

[@lunhing5308]

Good

[@juan_castellanos19]

I've noticed that one of the main reasons I isolate myself as much as I do (which is a lot) is because I feel like I don't have much to offer other people, and them spending time with me would just be a waste of their time.

[@420mustard]

Same here. I isolate myself so much. And I feel like I have no influence on anything.

[@Mmyythandle]

I feel the same too sometimes

[@lucylight176]

This is absolutely not true. And they will just feel rejected and put up their defences. Something like that. Try not to put any pressure on yourself and be as natural as you can. That is honestly all people want. I understand, I have exactly the same in a slightly different social area, I become invisible due to my lack of self esteem, I feel lost so I become lost. Then feel hurt I am not seen. I am gradually getting out there.

[@spaced-outbutterfly4680]

I run from security when I see it. I try to keep the dynamic for a bad reason. When I let the dynamic go I feel relief or if I'm aware it's going to play out until a certain point, I usually feel despair because I thought I dynamic was what I wanted/needed.

[@KarebelleMissKarebear]

Ugh but an excellent realization & self awareness. I resonate, but am in midst of turning this around. It s taken LOT of time, courage & self compassion which isn't 2nd nature either. But its been 1000% worth the 'work'.

[@waynec369]

One term I find standing out among everything else is "needs." When you've been raised by highly narcissistic parents, you learn that your only needs are air, water, and food. Anything beyond those are wants & luxuries.

[@spaced-outbutterfly4680]

My blindspot. I would play out dynamics with the belief that they would trap my goal into the frame. I felt trapped into the frame and I felt like someone else's goal. So I thought I could switch them around. When the dynamic was gone, I was getting my goals and free in thought. When the dynamic was around, I was trapping myself into different frames and missing the goals. The dynamic makes me think I'm the goal but I was the goalscorer or goalkeeper all along.

[@shelbytimbrook2095]

This is also my experience. Didn't think this was also related to my narcissistic mother. At this point I'm starting to be convinced I have no personality and everything I do is some sort of coping mechanism lol.

[@SkyeAten]

woahhh... that's so true though

[@rebekah8789]

I would love a video that differentiates wants and needs, especially emotional ones

[@jennw6809]

I cannot believe I had 7 years of therapy with multiple therapists, without a single one ever mentioning "needs," "boundaries" or "regulation."

[@SusanCross-o9l]

This has been a devastating realization for me. I never made the connection that ending relationships abruptly might be cruel. I never considered that my absence would have any impact on anyone.

[@homesicknight]

Same :/

[@hamish4609]

​@@Ark-ys2upyou might be too "nice". Try reading "Not Nice" by Dr. Aziz Gazipura

[@SusanCross-o9l]

@Ark-ys2up Could it be you actually have low self esteem? I've always been a high achiever, so I mistakenly assumed that I had good self esteem.

[@Larissa-hp6wi]

Respectfully, I would look into why you're feeling like you're being talked down to. This conversation seems to be triggering something in you. I used to feel the same way when I felt like I was the only person who understood the way I was feeling. Oftentimes though, our experiences are more universal than we think! @@Ark-ys2up

[@RelaxingAmbientSoundz]

same wow

[@orangeelliot]

I've spent a long time thinking that low self-esteem was a virtue, mistaking it for humility. After years of training myself to believe that other people have more value than me (what I thought was "putting others first"), I'm so practiced at dismissing my own needs that I have a hard time recognizing my needs at all. I can see my own self-fulfilling prophecy in assuming I am a burden to other people until that becomes a reality. It's isolating, and it's hurting my relationships. I want to change, but wow that change is uncomfortable, scary, and honestly embarrassing. I'm still trying.

[@annas.770]

You've put that really well! It feels like a cultural inheritance, it goes so deep. Thank you for pointing out the distinction between low self-esteem and the actual virtue of humility- that's very helpful.

[@kacake]

Childhood PTSD is making yourself small by tolerating bare minimum, or thinking our efforts are bare minimum it won't matter if we withdraw

[@Kyra-fe6do]

My journey has been similar. Thank you for putting into words and sharing. Heres to both of us healing ❤

[@lowwastehighmelanin]

Oh no I'm so sorry. 😮

[@magdanieznajomy3226]

I feel you deeply Its crazy that some of us people have such similar experiences

[@trangcaothu1303]

1. We tend to avoid helping others as we think we are not benificial to them 2. We think that we are not matter 3. We tend to not communicate out needs and become upset when our needs are not met

[@UnLugubreEquivoco]

Totally me

[@samanthachildress1091]

All of the above

[@AD-hh6dd]

2 is more like we think we aren’t able to hurt anyone (because we don’t matter enough to be able to do so)

[@alethea6781]

I’m absolutely guilty of this. I want to be left alone if I’m sick or having a hard time, probably because I was left on my own as a child. I tend to think others would prefer to be left alone too, when it’s not true.

[@SusanCross-o9l]

Heide makes an excellent point about how people who identify as introverts might be managing the effects of childhood trauma. We need time alone to regulate our emotions after socializing, which triggers our anxiety. We can drop the mask when we're alone. I wish Heide would do more shorts!

[@julieholt7889]

When I’m sick, I want to be cared for and comforted. I want someone to cook nourishing meals for me and someone to rub my back and say loving things to me. My partner feels like a burden when he’s sick so he doesn’t want me to be anywhere near him. And he is totally confused and defensive when I ask him to help me when I’m sick. It’s so frustrating to be sick and then have a partner neglect you and then make your frustration out to be a personal attack on them when all you want is a back rub. 😩

[@aaronyork3995]

3 feet tall, oblivious to the harm we cause: fabulous analogy

[@Tenebracas]

I was like this a few years ago. Two people I recently got to know invited me to go to the Christmas market together. I really wanted to go, but I had lots of shame about myself and assumed people hated spending time with me and would only ask me out of pity. Therefore, I agreed but tried to appear lukewarm and ambivalent, because I wanted to signal that if they changed their mind, they could just reject me without having to care about my feelings too much. I thought by not being enthusiatic and not "urging" them to include me, I would do them a favour. Another girl listening then made a mocking comment how it sounded like I really did not want to hang out, so why would I agree? In that moment it was embarrassing and hurtful, but I later realized that exactly because I behaved distanced and dismissive towards others, I would make them feel uncomfortable and rejected. It was not my shameful existence, but my behaviour that was the problem. So this experience thankfully opened my eyes quite a bit.

[@dl4037]

I know that so good, it is kinda disrespectful towards others to always asume they don't really want what they are saying (basically lying about wanting you with them) but I do such things myself all the time =/

[@louieb4390]

Thank you for your courage in sharing these reflections

[@ryanbarker3978]

It is crazy how fast some of this maladaptive thinking happens. You get close to someone, start splitting on them without realizing it, and unintentionally hurt them without even realizing it as you're trying to manage your own problems. It's very challenging to be prosocial when you come from an enmeshed or narcissistic family dynamic.

[@Myob08]

Yes!

[@kareninsmile6177]

1. 3:02 - being indifferent/checked out in areas where people would actually appreciate having support. Having low self-esteem means we might believe we don’t have much to offer and miss opportunities to care about others in ways they actually want. 2. 6:13 - believing we don’t matter enough to hurt others deeply. Tends to show up in avoidant individuals who grew up in households where feedback was not given about their behavior. Often individuals carrying this belief also tend to believe they are somehow intrinsically flawed, which gets projected onto others.

[@spaced-outbutterfly4680]

Maybe we think we are the opportunity to help, and believe the opportunity[which is us in this case] is not around and then the same dynamic continues. But the opportunity is the moment. The projection is the dynamics process? feels like I'm projecting. I believe information reduction is overprotection. It can also be a parents gift, and a child's curse

[@amandaforrester7636]

2. Was my last relationship. He was shocked when his breaking up with me devastated me. He genuinely thought that he was doing the best thing for me.

[@MarkThrive]

3:10 ...we might accidentally hurt others in our lives by being indifferent... I was the dad that was aloof... I was afraid I would cause more harm by reacting... until I started trauma therapy for EMDR I had no capacity to see how harmful my indifference was...

[@spaced-outbutterfly4680]

You spoke about it with your child/ children?

[@Youtubehandlesaresilly]

Indifference to those you care about is also a survival instinct if you’ve been around someone with NPD - they’ll use everything and anything you care about against you. Including kids.

[@bryanthomas4907]

I hear that. No kids but presenting as aloof has become a tactic to keep me safe. It's funny I used to be overly warm and suffer from limerance and now I'm almost the opposite and I feel less guilt or shame about it which is a problem bc it means my empathy is waning.

[@goldbrick2563]

Yeah thats so damaging to the kids. They think you dont give af.

[@Baltabak]

as an someone who used to have that strong low self-esteem, the relationship with perceived value/worth of self/actions & real emotional effects of actions on other people is so critical. I remember once, I asked a girl to prom during a class for kicks because I thought she was totally away from my social grouping, and that it would be an obvious no, but she responded with authenticity, surprise, and vulnerability "really?", and I Immediately said no to save face, and I recognize her look of hurt before the reaction of disregard I expected came in. Realizing that I actually hurt her filled me with a shame that was stronger than my need to reinforce my belief that I was repulsive "like oh, even though I don't believe I deserve affection, I actually do believe other people deserve respect and decency, and she didn't deserve what I did, and I actually want to be more responsible with what I choose to say to people." thanks again for another explanation video!

[@tishataray]

Aweww did you get a chance to clear things up

[@golden_lion4133]

I hope you said sorry and took her to prom anyways.

[@casey5260]

When I was in 7th grade, a girl I liked asked me to hang out. I assumed she was joking because who would want to hang out with me? What do I, a burden and unworthy, provide? So I said no in a sarcastic tone. I remember feeling the shame that you described in your message afterwords, realizing that I actually did hurt her feelings.

[@Robstar0]

About a year ago I met a colleague who said what they thought about me, time and time again, and it was so positive. I still sometimes accidentally slip into low self esteem habits but otherwise my life has improved so much! I now casually ask people if they want to do fun things with me and they say yes, afterwards tell me they enjoyed themselves and even come to me to meet more often. All because of this one person casually brushing up my self esteem, and me working hard to take advantage of the experience! Overcoming this is so worth it. Do it, everyone!

[@Medinilla819]

I’m happy for you

[@LastRebel1978]

You often can’t get people of low self esteem to understand low self esteem and no matter how much encouragement you give them it’s wasted time and energy. You said the key word that you wanted to work on it and took advantage of a good person who will have to tell you the truth. But many people don’t think of someone trying to tell them truths as a friend and do not trust them because it doesn’t feel good and you know our feelings and gut instincts of a low self esteem person are so accurate. Good for you. We all are gray even though we use black and whites as reference points. We all fall short but many say they give 100% when they didn’t because the can’t admit they fell short today. So telling a lie to make yourself feel better works in the moment maybe. But if you lie to yourself you don’t love yourself, if you criticize yourself on anything other than the now, you don’t love yourself. You have to become your own best friend first and they will tell you the hard things and try to help you grow, they will celebrate the victories, and empathize when you fall short.

[@kimberlyf4888]

This was me throughout my early life and into adulthood. I used to hear that I needed to love myself in order to really love someone else, and I would wonder how in the world I could love myself? I also didn't think I had any discernible personality, that no one even concerned themselves with me. I somehow completely reversed all of that. Everything about me did a 180 - I like myself, I see how I interact with people and know the power that I have. I would never have imagined I'd be here, but so thankful that I am.

[@jjhassy]

antidotes in order: - exterocept (focus on others not what they think of u which ironically is an inward rumination) -evaluate what you brought to an interaction (to counteract the belief we have no effect on dynamics with others) - challenge black-and-white beliefs (all men/women are mean etc. beliefs like this can corrupt dynamics with ppl) - evaluate congruence/energy (feel energy of ppl that may contradict what theyre saying, goes for you as well) - find ppl who want to help u and know how to ask nicely

[@Juliebear122]

too many steps 😞

[@goldink2813]

I feel like the reason I don't remind the people I'm close or ''close'' to about my birthday is because I think I don't matter enough to them for them to remember, let alone make my day special. I already anticipate that they won't really care so I'd rather not even share. Six years ago I lost my dad and found myself not knowing who to share with because I wondered if anyone actually even genuinely cares

[@FruitsChinpoSamuraiG]

this is very relatable. i havent shared it with anyone i could and very much tried to keep it a secret so people i desperately wish they would remember wouldnt even have to do it so they don't forget and i dont feel hurt. problem is (or good news is), i caved in and in a weirdly optimistic attempt, i told them the information. and wow, they really made such a huge effort that whenever >>I

[@akira2365]

You are not alone. I think the same exact way.

[@cwinchcarwash2629]

This is really sad to read, i hope you're doing better. My condolences about your dad, your loss & grief do matter and many people in the world understand and care

[@zekova]

"Whatever you believe the world is withholding from you, you are withholding from the world." 💯💯💯

[@SpencerElliott]

As a low self esteem haver, thank you for this! I've had many experiences where I realize afterwards how much I was projecting onto the other person / acting with defensive energy. Later I want to reconcile/apologize to them, but it's hard to articulate exactly what I'm apologizing for, and there's a fear that I'm going to bring that defensive/weird energy right back again. There's a feeling of loss associated with this, as a potential connection was lost. Curious about how to navigate this.

[@thunderpooch]

if you figure it out, let me know

[@lgfish5337]

It's never too late to try. It might not go to plan, sure, but you'll never know unless you try. Today's bizarre "block"ing and bridge burning culture doesn't help but ..I feel like we have to be the change we want to see in the world sometimes. Just one take.

[@hattifnattism]

I'm only a few minutes into the video, but can I just say thank you thank you thank you for acknowledging that trauma and low self esteem can come from sources not just in the parental home? Yes, my family was definitely dysfunctional growing up, but a large part of what crushed my self-esteem and caused a huge amount of pain were thirteen years of relentless bullying and ostracism in school, and you don't understand how many therapists i've seen who went "so.... anyway, about your family" when I sat there sobbing and begging them to acknowledge the impact this bullying had on me.

[@zaram131]

Exactly. My family was more or less normal, but at school I was laughed at by the big kids and I think that’s where it all started.

[@elycetyler1942]

My parents moved constantly so we always had to adjust to entirely new social environments. We weren’t allowed to have feelings about that. I died when I was 9-1/2 years old and have been dead ever since.

[@CJ-hh3gx]

I am in the process of unlearning the lessons of my shame-based upbringing in an attempt to step into the welcoming energy everyone else says that I have. As a result, I have been able to help people close to me, including a friend making their way through a divorce. Seeing and, more importantly, acknowledging the gratitude I have received over the past few months has been really eye opening. I have a long way to go still, but I have seen a difference.

[@amandawitman]

Heidi, you just nailed the “invisibility complex” that I’ve been struggling to understand in myself and explain to others for years. Instead of 3’ tall, I feel invisible, even when I know rationally that I’m not. Yes, it makes you believe that what you do and say has no effect, that nobody sees or needs or wants what you can offer. And it is indeed self-fulfilling. But it’s also self-protective. I recognize that I was mis-socialized this way (insecurely attached parents, bullied as a kid, married to an avoidant for two decades). So the invisibility was imposed on me, but it was also embraced by me because smaller feels safer. Would you talk more about how to feel safe when you’re shedding the maladaptive tools that you have used for years to feel safe?

[@jessicalinger7689]

Yes I also feel the invisibility complex. I have had a close friend tell me that I am a giant even though I act like I'm so tiny. This makes so much sense now.

[@michelletulumello661]

It really sucks when you have PTSD that will NOT allow you to stop giving off that defensive energy.

[@Diane_McDon]

It’s almost more terrifying to be self-aware of how often we’re acting inappropriately towards others

[@Noswiatel]

I dont sense defensiveness in people with PTSD

[@michelletulumello661]

@conceptofeverything8793 I guess it depends on how you get the it and what having it has done to your life. I worked for years in a dangerous environment where I was physically attacked on the regular by emotionally disrequlated teenagers. I'm not very nice to my neighbor (can't make myself come near him, or make eye contact with him, actually) because he is autistic, and his version of stimming is running up and down outside of his house shrieking. He doesn't mean anything by it. He's a sweet guy with an intellectual disability, but my body thinks he's going to try to kill me. So I do my best to be socially appropriate towards him, but I am sure he thinks I don't like him. Which, to be honest, since I don't want to be around him at ALL, that's accurate. It just doesn't happen to be his fault, but it still probably hurts his feelings.

[@Noswiatel]

@@michelletulumello661 You dont need PTSD to have the instinct to keep away from potential danger.

[@michelletulumello661]

@conceptofeverything8793 the neighbor isn't dangerous. He's intellectually disabled, and just runs around shrieking when he gets happy/excited about something but he has lived here for years and other neighbors say he's harmless. It's stimming. He's autistic. I'm the one with the problem.

[@frybabyofficial]

I had (emphasis on had) a friend with incredibly low self esteem. They always approached any interaction with percieved hostility. Any attempts to encourage or compliment was met with "yeah right" or similar. Our friendship became so unsustainable after essentially being called a liar for years. We dont speak anymore and unfortunately they havent changed their outlook on themselves

[@lowwastehighmelanin]

I have had this same experience. It's very hard to be on the outside of that.

[@Lihoradka-s6v]

I grew up being sure that others would reject or make fun of me if I offered help, or a compliment, or expressed affection towards others. I remember that whenever I liked a boy or a man, I would automatically shut down or withdraw, instead of trying to approach and get to know the person. Not long ago, like two years ago, when I had just started going to therapy, I was completely overwhelmed with a feeling that everyone in this world rejects and makes fun of me. Now I feel as if the world is a different place. I am learning to be nicer, flirtier (when acceptable). I am learning to give and receive compliments and gifts, I used to hate both. All my life I was sure that I was unloveble and ugly and now I am surprised to learn that it was actually my rejection of people around me and men in particular. But it all started with getting to know myself, my needs and boundaries, working on my self esteem and learning to accept the fact that I am capable to look after myself. I have to work immensely on anxiety healing as well. Sending love to everyone who is going the same process.

[@indigo92099]

This is very inspiring to hear. I'm at a similar place as you describe your past. I've come a long way already and I still want to keep learning to eventually make the same process

[@greghodge7479]

I've been trying to figure out why my intentions are chronically taken differently than I mean them, and why I'm constantly defensive, and all the other things you just said. Funny thing is that I've done a lot of work on my mind over the last few years and I thought my self esteem was much better.

[@MarkThrive]

6:15 second biggest blind spot... I can relate to this one too... my family wife and kids said that they loved me! I heard that they loved me unconditionally... I also felt like my negative behavior ... what I later learned was my unresolved trauma triggers ... was a one off(to my parts) and I believed that my family was more insulated/resilient from my feedback! I later learned from my wife ...now my ex and kids that I was toxic! That is when I had the moment of clarity that I had a serious problem... I was turning out to be like my dad... who I swore I'd never be like...the unpredictable alcoholic...! It then took several years to discover I had untreated childhood CPTSD and to find a therapist with personal experience with EMDR. Your videos are a great supplement as I connect the dots learning about my conditioned unsecure attachment style! I'm also reading Pete Walker-Surviving CPTSD and John Bradshaw's -Healing from Toxic Shame. I sense that my awareness and ability to be present and articulate feelings is helping my relationship with my kids. Your videos outside my regular therapy instill hope for a more secure attachment style with myself and others! ❤️‍🩹❤️❤️‍🩹❤️

[@beverlytaylor1745]

Godspeed, Mark. We grieve for our losses as well. Being aware of my spiritual need and turning to God helped me recover from what Bradshaw calls a "soul murder". The effects of Narcissistic/Toxic abuse is well exposed nowadays. I found Dr. Ramani on KZbin to be very helpful for victims. All the best to you. 🙏

[@stormtrooper_]

Hey do you watch crappy childhood fairy by any chance?😅

[@MarkThrive]

@@stormtrooper_ yes 👍

[@laureenprice8123]

I have been working on trying to heal my low self esteem most of my adult life and have healed a lot of it but not all of it. I want to share something that has helped me is to tell myself daily this even though sometimes I don't believe it: I am valuable, whole, and complete. I also read a book about low self esteem that was bible based. It said that not loving ourselves was an insult to God. However, the things I have mentioned did not offer instructions on how to overcome these problems as this video did. Thank you Heidi for making this video.

[@chilloften]

At this point, I feel pretty low, and just don’t want to involve others because it feels so horrid that I’m sure they’re better off without me. Besides the fact, I don’t want them finding out how bad I truly feel.

[@beverlytaylor1745]

Perhaps you can share these deeper feelings with God. He understands you. I hope you feel better. 🙏

[@kristyphan8676]

Your last sentence - I have this fear too. It's scary to let people in, about how bad I truly feel, but deep inside I hope people can see that and not think any less of me.

[@SBecktacular]

Have you asked yourself why you feel this way?? Do you know? are there good things in your life? Are you focusing on the bad?

[@user-vn9sh6hv8r]

I get that, and i think a lot of other people feel this way too... but none of us reveal that to anyone so we all go around assuming we're the only ones feeling this way. Sorry i don't know what else to say other than you're not alone in this and i hope you'll start to find things easier 💕

[@chilloften]

@@user-vn9sh6hv8r thank you, very kind words.

[@seanbrancati5792]

The way you compartmenalize information and the cadence you speak in is so easy to follow. Amazing video as per usual, thank you 👏

[@Brandon-yr3nj]

as a 6'6" avoidant the size metaphor hit shockingly close to home

[@nedoshivin]

6'3 fearful avoidant here - yesssssss hits hard

[@stringcheeseofficial1977]

Dude I'm 5'10" and I had to pause the video to scream at the sky for a bit after she said that

[@zurirobinson2749]

Growing up as a always-large-for-my-age (now 5'8.5" in adulthood) child with disorganized attachment, I didn't know my own size either physically and emotionally. Even though I literally understood that I was bigger than most of the other kids, it just became another thing that I hated about myself- I wanted to be tiny and cute (like I was before it all went wrong) because I thought it would make me worthy of protecting. To this day I still feel like a confused little girl in an adult body, which is now driven home by the fact that in the adult world there is no "bigger than my classmates", I'm being compared to other adults (and am still one of the smallest adults in my family).

[@davecullins1606]

I'm 6'4", and I realised recently that even my memories have in many cases been distorted without me noticing so that everyone I remember being there always look like they were taller than me in those moments. I've since then begun actively adjusting them to their actual heights, or the closest I can remember them actually being, as I realised the distortion came from a lack of self-esteem. No surprise, practically none of them were taller than me. I think that the distortion is especially important to remove from memories where you got intimidated or where someone was aggressive towards you. My theory is that the size distortion just reinforces your subconscious belief that you were incapable of defending yourself, or that the situation was more threatening than it actually was

[@purpleneons]

i'm a 6'4 anxious and funnily enough i've always felt i should be at least a foot shorter lol

[@angelomihailovic2889]

Your videos have a way of directly reaching my inner child that doesn't set off so many alarms and triggers that usually pull me out of the moment when going into these topics. They've been such an invaluable tool for my inner work that I don't know where I'd be without your channel. Thank you for what you do, Heidi!

[@tishataray]

💯

[@endTHEhegemony_Today]

I wish I had found this info 20 years ago. I'm sitting here ugly crying because finally my self-serving behavior actually makes sense. I have read SO many damn books related to personal growth trauma and relationships and NOT ONE mentioned this 🖤💜💙💚💙💜🖤 THANK YOU for bringing it here to show us today 🖤💜💙💚💙💜🖤 Much Love!!

[@cbeautifulworld11]

I've had a lifelong inability to recognize how much humans and animals have loved or cared about me. Only in hindsight can I see it, decades later, by then it is often too late..

[@BarbaraM-lv7pe]

@cbeautifulworld, start a gratitude/memory journal. You can refer to it if you’re feeling “less than”. Those memories will buoy you up and bring a tear all at the same time.

[@cbeautifulworld11]

@@BarbaraM-lv7pe Thank you.🌟

[@Fittiboy]

22:02 As an autistic person, my posture and my tone are always kind of strange...

[@jaymeleonhard3764]

Your authenticity will come through even if your posture and tone are kind of strange. Maybe this is just me as I have a lot of autistic /neurodivergent people in my life and I am neurodivergent as well.

[@joshliam1967]

Love the paradigm shift represented by the Eckhart Tolle quote. It's true too, sometimes I won't go to an event and then will feel envious of the people that hung out together when I chose not to go in the first place. The perspective shift I needed.

[@nataliabogdanova2816]

This is a hard topic. And so many rules how appropriately to ask for help, and what energy/vibe you’re carrying.. now looks like an impossible task - that adds even more anxiety and shame to already low self-esteem.

[@heidipriebe1]

I wouldn’t think of these as rules (I imagine I would bog myself down with pressure/overwhelm approaching them that way) but as options that can be experimented with - even just as thought experiments at first!

[@chrismaxwell1624]

No rules for asking for help. You just ask for help but don't expect help. People can be to busy but if you ask and the can't help you now they know you are willing to ask and will help when they can. This is lesson I had to learn. Asking for help and not getting it is not a rejection. I just need to open the door for others to help me. I also had to learn that just because some asks me for help that I am not obligated to help them. I will if I can but I'm not always free to do that, I have other priorities. They as well. Thing is people help other as way of socially connecting, that's does seem odd to me. My brain just doesn't understand that. Help for me I've always seen as transaction. I help and that becomes currency to ask for help. Only p

[@cornwallismorgan874]

I would definitely say that the most important part is learning to ask for help appropriately, and this can even be as simple as, "Hey, I really like hearing from you." Someone who's even remotely alive will probably respond with, "Okay, then I'll text/call you more" and will actually do it. And as you practice voicing your needs, your energy will naturally shift more towards center.

[@thunderpooch]

I'm slowly in recovery mode and what was tripping me up was setbacks and a flood of feelings. I would start to shut down because I was being so hard on myself for sometimes feeling "too low" and "too depressed" and "too needy" etc. what really helped me was giving up the all-consuming pressure to "perform correctly." now i just tell myself, "consider relaxing the emotions you're having right now just a bit." "there's sufficient evidence that you're not that bad and that things aren't so bad." by merely focusing on taking the edge off I find my anxiety is manageable. i let the feelings occur but let myself relax ever so slightly.

[@BarbaraM-lv7pe]

chrismaxwell, that “tit for tat” mentality will not serve you well. Help when you can or when you want; do not expect much in return unless you’re really put out and that other person has knowledge or a gifted skill to help you. Remember you can always say “no” if it does suit your schedule at the time.

[@trtl9106]

Heidi Your cadences are very melodic. it's so soothing to hear a licensed professional speaking like this

[@JaneThatcher89]

She’s a licensed professional?

[@trtl9106]

@@JaneThatcher89 she sure sounds like one

[@ahem8013]

@@JaneThatcher89she has a masters in attachment theory

[@lgfish5337]

Shes very good at this and I appreciate it a lot but as far as I have been able to learn, she doesn't have a license (that would LMSW or LCSW, etc . only some masters degrees include practicums and the option to get licensed by your state.) If anyone knows otherwise I'm happy to be wrong !

[@JaneThatcher89]

@@lgfish5337 Yeah! I’m not sure but I truly don’t care about degrees. Many people I know who are the best in their field are the people who never went to college, but have all the self study and hands on experience they needed to be successful! She’s obviously very well versed and well studied, she knows the material she presents very deeply and communicates with such insight, profoundness and clarity. I’d listen to her over someone with a degree on paper, any day! She’s amazing, and has helped so many.

[@hannah__jemima]

I used to tease my brother, because I was always told by my mum that he had 'social skills', and that is how I saw him too, so I thought he was too popular and confident to get hurt by someone like me. Thought it was a win-win situation - I could have fun, and he would laugh it off. Was so confused when I found out later that it actually did hurt him. It did not fit with the persona my mum taught me he had.

[@Jesse-qk1uy]

If low self-esteem is promoted as a dysfunctional aspect of the ego, why is it so common to idolize famous people and/or put others on a pedestal? That is because there is this idea that our negative thoughts about our worth are bad, even while society reinforces these ideas of external status and worth. So, instead of beating ourselves up about our thoughts and taking everything personally, let us learn to challenge the subtle societal messages that reinforce the definition of success, intelligence, and worth.

[@user-sm9tg4rc1n]

Please do a video on how to know when we’re giving incongruent ‘weird energy’ that rubs people the wrong way❤

[@RVVNTHESTRVNGE]

This is really crazy to listen to as someone on their healing journey who is also very much into the law of attraction/assumption. I think it’s really fascinating to hear the logical explanation on how your self concept and thoughts can manifest itself into your reality. Everyone should watch this! Thank you 🖤

[@mx2dy]

Heidi, your videos have been such a source of grief and growth these past couple weeks. Thank you

[@ПетърСтойков-р8т]

I just wanted to say I think your work is immensely valuable!

[@matthi344]

I lived exactly as described in this video for my whole life (especially points 1 and 2). I understood these mechanisms by myself a long time ago (i'm pretty good at analyzing myself), but i've never been able to change this, despite a lot of efforts. This low self esteem stuff is really deeply engraved in me. Now i'm in a mindset where on one side of course I would like to change my life, but i don't believe that it's possible, and on the other side I'm getting used to my life the way it is and i pretty much accept it

[@BarbaraM-lv7pe]

matt: Don’t give up on you! It’s totally worth changing tack through your life! ⛵️

[@Fze5656]

What you describe from 0:50 to the 2:30 mark matches exactly what I’ve experienced. I’m amazed at having it be articulated this way and the analogy is perfect for understanding

[@maquis1911]

I wish the captions worked on this video, but I think I got most of the information. I've been trying to work on my self-esteem and confidence for a while now. I recently started looking into attachment theory. I find these videos even more helpful than the books I've read. This makes so much sense. I definitely have an insecure attachment. I can see how my struggle with this affects my relationships. I'm working to do better and now I have excellent ideas on how to do that. Thank you!

[@nathanbanks2354]

Captions are working for me 5 hours later.

[@maquis1911]

@nathanbanks2354 hmm. I'll go back and see if they are available to me now. I'll rewatch it if they are. The problem might have been that the video had just been posted recently. I have had that situation before. Thank you for the update.

[@BarbaraM-lv7pe]

I, too, have been studying attachment theory and family of origin. I know that I have blind spots, I’ve just always wondered what they were and not being aware of what I bring to others’ tables, so to speak. Heidi puts into words these concepts that I could never really put into words and be more cognizant of. Thank you Heidi, you hit the nail right on the head!

[@jessicagarrison3337]

Thanks, Heidi, for all this hard work you are doing! Synthesizing all this information into detailed but very consumable bits is giving me a lot to think about. And somehow, I feel like just as I am questioning my precepts, you are right there the next week confirming for me why my learned coping skills just aren't meeting my needs anymore. My beliefs about the world were/are like a tangled wad of yarn inside me. You are untangling them and putting them up like fiber art on gallery walls around me. I can see them. They stand apart from me. Maybe I can let them go, soon. Keep going, please. When I am coping better, I may tap you to help me with an idea I have, if you are interested. It's too fledgling just yet. I am going to sit on it some more.

[@jessicalinger7689]

I also think about it like a tangled ball of yarn that is beginning to be untangled...

[@vdl3984]

After all my life as a FA, it's very difficult to believe that others want to help. I lived left out and ignored too much to even give this theory a chance. I've never seen anyone care even a bit for any of my struggles, even when expressing them directly saying literally "I need help". Usually the only response you get is: "you are wrong, you are making up things, nobody thinks this way, etc". What I've seen is them being perfectly happy as I struggle to barely get to the next day. Sometimes it doesn't matter what you do, others just don't care at all. All these problems about self-esteem are not just things that people make up in our minds, there is a foundation why we believe them. Thinking that it's just a belief would seem like gaslighting at oneself at this point.

[@ahsokaventriss3268]

FA? Fearful avoidant?

[@justinalexander7512]

I know what you mean. You are right that most people are not kind. That has been my experience as well. People that are kind do exist though. I promise you. I know just a few, and I treasure them and our conversations. You will find your own if you keep looking for them with an open heart. I think many people literally don't know how to be emotionally intimate.

[@nataliabogdanova2816]

I can relate! I also wonder if “healthy and compassionate” people exist on different “wave” so we just can’t really catch it and connect. 🤷‍♀️ So it’s like you already need to be “getting healthy” on your own - and then there is a chance for having “better” people around 🤔

[@jmc60]

This has really hit home for me. I have CPTSD, bullied at home and school for years. I have apologised to ppl for having to spend time with me, self esteem was so low. I’m always looking for rejection around every corner, and often feel disliked by ppl. Social situations are difficult. I volunteer a lot, putting myself out there, but it’s often a struggle in groups (perhaps echoes of school days). Your videos are incredibly valuable and helpful on this healing path.❤

[@erindabney2758]

Hmmm… my therapists said I was overly attuned to other people and gave others the benefit of the doubt too often. They said the reason I did this was because my self-esteem was tragically low.

[@InChristIDelight]

The same thought cropped up for me too..

[@CindaMurphyRealEstate]

It is so freaky when she articulates something I’ve always felt and helps me feel compassion for myself about it.

[@neranderthal]

Oh my GOD have I been needing to hear this. I keep going around thinking, "what is wrong with me? I don't get why everyone else gets preferential treatment, why are people so unfair to me?". I've brought this up with other people and they seem to deny it all together... then I think "why can't they see it but I can? am I insane?". I had really needed someone to explain it and lay it out to me, to demystify the confusion... it is really perhaps because I tense up around people before anything happens!

[@theodora1979]

This came at the perfect time in my life and it has been such an eye opening video! Thank you very much for sharing everything. As I have been binge watching your content, I never actually realized just how self-centered I was due to my own insecurities. I always lied to myself in my mind that I was being this self-less person that is always abandoned by others when in fact the reality was that I was doing all these things inauthentically and most likely people sensed it. I needed the validation and to be seen and I swear the quote you mentioned is so true. I was not seen by others because I didn't see them either or I didn't try to

[@picklepirate]

I was super rude and crappy to my friends in this past week. The analogy of feeling three feet tall and shoving people around hit it right on the head. I didn’t think anyone actually put any merit into anything I said, so to me, it didn’t feel like it would be offensive. But, it hurt people deeply.

[@generallyalurker]

Thank you for helping bring light and clarity to what are otherwise confusing life experiences.

[@MartinCharles]

Something has changed in this channel's content in the last 3 videos. The content is concise, useful and thought provoking. More than before

[@magdalenagutierrez3072]

People respond to the energy I bring. Thanks for the homework exercises. I’ve heard that before but you explained it “painfully”well. I’m feeling like it’s upside down wisdom but driving my life while blind spotted has made more than a dent in the self esteem. I’m encouraged to accept responsibility. Thanks again for your dedication to sharing practical wisdom.

[@InnerWorkGuideShobhali]

This is such an important education piece - these blindspots are basically like water for fish, you know, "Where's the water?!" 😅 I've seen this particular low self-esteem narrative play out in so many people - love how you've explained it! I'm definitely sharing this on!

[@knowledge4723]

This was one of, if not the most impactful and eye-opening self-improvement videos I’ve ever watched. The video and some of the comments here have extremely resonated with me. Thank you

[@kayGokRayy103]

This specific video of yours spoke to me Heidi, I can’t thank you enough for you and your channel ❤

[@imperialchalice]

This is very validating, as someone who often deals with insecure/ people with low self esteem.

[@naticaleb123]

Heidi, you are Heaven sent for me at this moment. Finally, I can put words to my feelings, exactly. I relate with your perspective, I would love to know what you feel about a person whose’s low self-esteem comes from a physical handicap that involves hearing and speech. That has been my story, I had a wonderful childhood, except for the fact that I was bullied as a little girl for my impediments. Now as an adult, I finally recognize & reflect on my insecure attachments, where I was trying to make up my shortcomings incorrectly. I am looking forward to playing all I was your videos, because your lessons are invaluable. I think one on one time with you would be incredible. Grateful to have found you on YT, I wanted to Thank you so much!!

[@cledwards]

I needed to hear this, all praise due to God 🤲

[@xX19shegod19Xx]

So, I said to myself, I don’t think this video will really apply to me, but let’s check it out and learn something. And girl let me tell you, the insight and ah ha moments I had here, it’s wild, when you really can’t see your self (gaping blindspots 😳🙄) until you hear something that just clicks. This has given me so much understanding in why my interactions with others have been so strained. Now I know what I need to work on. I really appreciate all you do. So thank you for creating these videos!!! Your breakdowns, and actionable solutions, are making a difference in my life, and I am grateful. All the best to you and yours Heidi! I hope you are wonderfully blessed for your efforts. 💚

[@NewDay2.0.2.4]

Would really appreciate a video on why two FAs often attract each other (low self-esteem plus chaos). Love the pro-social explanation in this video. Thank you for your content!

[@kimmykins326]

Thank you so so much for creating the content you do, you’ve been in my feed for awhile and I kept saving things for later cause I knew they’d be helpful but I was afraid to take the plunge, and I’m so glad I finally did. I feel like I get more understanding out on one video than I have months of therapy 😂

[@havcola6983]

23:00 I feel like there should be a warning here: Not everyone who presents or self-identifies as securely attached like to be helpful. Quite a number of them are in fact Avoidant, or may have other trauma. In those cases asking them to help you may backfire _spectacularly_ as they may feel pressured or pushed by it. Totally not how I drove a friend away recently. 😩

[@mvandell]

When I watch your videos I feel like I'm on the operation table, being worked on by a master surgeon 🙏 Thank you so much for turning up and reaching out 🙏❤️

[@smokingcrab2290]

What's hard for me sometimes is to actually care about everything people are saying. There's lots of things people sya that I just don't relate to. And I wish I knew how to relate to anything and I wish I knew how to care about what they're going through without going too deep.

[@wrathes2239]

Heidi, I thought I'd about figured it all out but this video really blew open the web I've spun for myself. Thank you for being so articulate and clear. Your videos are all information, no frills, no distractions, and I cannot thank you enough for putting these out there. After decades of hurt and cptsd, I feel like I'm finally learning to become a person with your channel.

[@peggyowen3287]

I’ve been living on medication with bouts of psychotic depression over 10 years, and this was so helpful, I think it’s a game changer!

[@marcelvandermeulen2219]

Your videos seem to get better every time. This one once again clarifies so many things I encountered, but never fully grasped. Especially not helping or expressing needs as you have learned that it would not make a difference and thinking you are only three feet tall.

[@Crystalmayot]

This is pure wisdom. I cant thank you enough for your impact on my life in the last couple of months!

[@Lin-1785]

Such important insight into "all or nothing" thinking, and I'm grateful. And can have more self-compassion. The vid on not taking things personally asks us to ask if we're missing something. Here's some answers as to why we're missing something! Thanks.

[@KMasse43]

I appreciate how you gently encourage self reflection which helps us connect to ourselves inba way that we may learn to take more accountability in our interactions. It can be easy to "blame" others for our feelings, but if we can learn to take accountability without allowing such to add to our negative self beliefs, it is really eye-opening. Thank you so much💖

[@SophG.]

This was a deep breath of fresh air..

[@Sjess25]

I was literally thinking about this exact same thing. How maybe the truth is that I’m actually way more valuable and competent as I think I am therefore people are really baffled and angered if I’m not showing up as me… thank you so much! ❤

[@teedeejai]

Ended this video with tears in my eyes and a very heavy feeling thinking it won’t get any better/I’m never going to feel safe. I speak up about the way I feel and for a while I was showing up securely but then someone I’d really liked/felt seen by started pulling away. After a couple weeks I’d asked if I’d done something and he said it wasn’t me, that he was just experiencing an upheaval in things he used to want etc. but a big part of it landed on him saying he now wants kids and I have the stance not to. I’d wished he’d spoke to me about it instead of pulling away because it made me feel like I was unsafe/unworthy but I think that’s how he processes things - on his own. But now it’s been weeks, he agreed to have a conversation when he’s ready but I feel so abandoned right now. And I’d addressed him not just disappearing a number of times because it makes me feel like he doesn’t care (he’s adamant that isn’t it) but he still does anyway. And I feel like I’m the only one who makes the effort to reach out anymore/ask questions and it just has felt like I’m begging so I’ve stopped but it’s making me feel low/angry and lash out indirectly. I know what I’m feeling, I’m trying to avoid feeling it because he has a right to his space too and I don’t want to influence any decisions he’s making for himself but it’s so hard not to take it as a reflection on me when the vibe was completely different before. I don’t want to bring things up again because I’m afraid it feels like I’m nagging or criticizing him but I do feel hurt. I don’t even know what to do anymore it’s really messing with me

[@jewlmastr1]

Hey... I just went through a similar situation where someone close to me asked me for time to self reflect and I felt so abandoned by them I could not even give them that week they asked for from me to just be alone with their thoughts. They knew what they needed and I couldn't give it to them because I felt abandoned and so terribly saddened that I couldn't even give them a week to think about things without me talking to them. Looking back now, it would've benefitted me more if I had shown them that respect because they would have had that in the back of their mind as that week went by and then been the one that came to me and thanked me for having respect enough for them to have given them their needed space when they asked for it. Instead all I could think about was how I was feeling sad and lonely and how they might start to enjoy the time that I wasn't around them. And I had to keep reminding them that I was still there waiting for them... I truly messed up by not giving them that time and only thinking about my needs! Do not make that mistake! Often times people truly have just learned to step back and think things through and when we disrupt that process time and time again they see it as disrespectful to them and their needs especially when they ask for that time with genuine need to reflect.

[@christabedwin]

You are so brilliant you take my breath away. You're such a pleasure to listen to. So helpful. Thank you.

[@vickyd7541]

Wow, 100% true for me. And scary how blind these spots really are - we kinda know it all and it's super logical when someone points it out, but for safety reasons we don't let ourselves to believe this truth and act accordingly. The most eye-opening video I've seen since I remember.

[@eylul4031]

Please can you make a video about jealousy too, I always envy other people and see myself not enough and weak… your videos are soo helpful! I want to feel better thank you so much. I feel much better after listening to you

[@ikz2298]

I'm having hard time to understand why do I need to proactively take care of people while it is told that safe and Secure people just wait for clearly communivated needs... And that's tru, I always thought my help was of no value...

[@TheVonWeasel]

I've always been confused on what the heck is the difference between a "want" and a "need". As far as I can tell the only thing I have is wants. And most of those wants are what constantly screw me over when I give in to them involving other people

[@lilolaher]

Hello thank you so much for your video. It actually made me cry hard. Just ended a relationship with someone who has low self esteem and every box you’ve mentioned checked 100%. It’s so so sad that I didn’t encounter your video earlier before and share to him.

[@iroveashe]

This is such a complicated issue for me, because I am waking up to this fact, but at the same time I don't know how to navigate situations where it IS possible that I'm just slightly pestering a friend. I don't have many relationships where they'd tell me straight up, and I don't want to maybe push it just because I'm having my own struggle against my inner critic. In other words, if we didn't learn that we can provide value to others by offering help, because of that we don't have a good compass of what would be offering too much help or being too insistent. We're so used to undershooting, it's hard to know if we're overshooting. And sometimes it's even necessary to overshoot and step outside boundaries in order to learn, which kinda sucks.

[@emilystern5401]

I’m so grateful to have found this video. I hadn’t even realized I was acting as if I’m three feet tall when I am six! I now remind myself “I am six feet tall!” in my relationships and I think this is helping me show up better for my friends and family

[@bridgete1980]

Ooof, this was a tough one but so helpful. I've wandered off from a lot of friendships over the years because I it didn't occur to me that I'd be noticed or missed. I started noticing that my thinking was problematic when my partner pointed out that my children would miss me when I pass away. I'm so saddened to have ended up like this. I'm so tired of my abnormal thoughts.

[@shramanderson1028]

Can't possibly thank you enough. I find all of your videos to be quite enlightening, but this one in particular is like a narrative of my life. Had I known much of this 30 years ago, would have saved me from much gut-wrenching anguish, frustration and misery in my life. Grateful to finally have answers to many of the questions that have kept me awake for countless nights.

[@DeadCat-42]

A my friends mom died last year. It hit me pretty hard. I didn't realize at the time, but you know when someone dies you think of things they said to you in the past. My friends mom gave me more compliments then all the other people in my life combined! My mom doesn't compliment me. I moved out when I was 17 lived in the streets, managed to work my way through school by myself, get an engineering degree, got a good job.. After my stepdad died I was helping my mom pack. She was worried about the big house they had built and paying the mortgage. I was so proud to show her my paycheck after my big promotion.. I said "don't work ill pay the mortgage '. I. showed her my pay stub.. "You can't be worth that much " Sometimes you are just born with the wrong parents.

[@Medietos]

Listening to Heidi in the middle of the sleepless night,fatally stuck in retraumatisations from caregivers, in a vicious cycle, How they have shrunk and diminished me to believe I can't be hurtful. And me being hurtful sometimes comes fromthe tensions and aLoneliness of being left out. Psychiatry, doctors, nurses should use their knowledge and help ease, not aggravate. Too tired to really get Heidi now, but good to hear it is positive, logical. If one didn't learn how to be regulated and communicate needs efficitnly in childhood, shouldn't caregivers assess and practise and teach it me, instead of blaming me for what I seek help for?

[@NganHoang-dy8el]

Heidi, you are my savior. Thank you so much. Your video has been helping me healing myself and my relationship in a unbelievable speed. Please keep doing this

[@pseudonymous8702]

So true. My self esteem is far improved from what it was 10 years ago, and it hurts to think at how I hurt people without realizing it, not being able to conceive of me possibly having that kind of role or influence in a situation.

[@jessicalinger7689]

1000% every word of this is me. Ah! Thank you for this!!!!

[@robynblair155]

This information is so freaking valuable. Thank you💖

[@Queenolgi1]

11:47 it looks like those people very insensitive! They put their needs first and overhear all the hints and then they act confused

[@fettywapofficial]

every video of yours functions as a true gift to my healing. i feel so lucky to be seeking this knowledge at the same time as you are sharing it, it fills me with gratitude that our timelines are aligned!!! so perfect.

[@jordyscarboro]

is there any way you’re able to do a video on attachment styles & addictions? addictions to love, toxic love, alcohol, drugs etc. not sure if you’ve made something similar!

[@valetoxicus5927]

Every single one of these videos has life-changing revelations for me. Thank you for describing what I’ve gone through (and put other people through). Putting a name to it and giving strategies for healing/moving toward secure relationships is giving me a hope I’ve never had before. Thank you!

[@feralquietude]

i feel like i'm the opposite of this, i felt three feet tall as a kid (like because i was a child who was still learning) but everyone treated me like i was six feet tall and should have all the answers. my emotional self feels likeba fun house mirror lol