Trust what the narcissist shows you NOT what you hope for

In today’s video I’m going to discuss the challenge for scapegoat survivors of trusting what a narcissist shows them when dependent on that narcissistic person in one way or another. Next, I’ll discuss the process of recovery where you get to shift your priority from the narcissist’s wellbeing to your own. Finally, I’ll discuss why finding longstanding, close, and supportive relationships with new ‘safe’ people is the most important ingredient to making this shift.
A link to my online course to Recover from Narcissistic Abuse: jreidtherapy.c...
The link to my free webinar on '7 Self-Care Tools to Recover from Narcissistic Abuse':jreidtherapy.c...
Here's the link to my e-book on Surviving Narcissistic Abuse as the Scapegoat: jreidtherapy.c...
KZbin series on Shame in recovery from Narcissistic Abuse: • The role of shame in s...
Private Facebook Support Group that Accompanies the Online Course: / recoverynarcabuse
Take the narcissistic emotional abuse quiz: jreidtherapy.c...
Schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation: jreidtherapy.c...
Subscribe to my channel: / @jreid-heal-narcissist... #jayreidpsychotherapy

[@smoozerish]

It took me a long time to wise up and move on from my narcissist parents. But finally i did. When I bumped into my Father randomly years later i was able to clearly see his bizarre toxic behaviour for what it was in a detached way. He hadn't changed his ways at all but I had changed so much in the intervening period. That makes all the difference. Needless to say I calmly turned down his request to meet again.

[@mohikseaglesfire8876]

I met up with my Mom briefly, and after years since she called the psych ward on me and said she thought I was going to kill her and thought she was the devil… so she could sell my Jeep while I was in there….she looked at me…paused, (could see Inwas healthy happy and motivated) and just straight up bluntly says “Your schizophrenic,” and got in her car. Reminded me of a little girl on the playground’s last insult before making her retreat. But don’t be fooled, that woman is a poisonous snake, she’ll poison your mind like a Nov drip over time and is a master of subtlety and gaslighting. I had no clue she wasn’t perfect until 4 years ago…I had no clue I wasn’t a bad son, and ruined her life with all my problems like growing up and needing food shelter and the first escape route away from her I could grab ahold of. Oooo when I tell you I don’t like this woman, l really do not. I got lead poisoning as a baby when she was blowtorching the windowsills with lead paint. In highschool Injad a cat scan shows some damage on my brain. This woman was bold enough to blame that damage on me when I lit a spray paint can on fire in my room once to make a mini blowtorch. I never hugged paint or anything I was just bored with my friend. Set part of the ceiling on fire though, that must have been when my mom knew I was huffing paint when the smoke alarms went off and the ceiling started to spread flames. I grabbed my electric guitar case and saved the day extinguished the flames. But I’ve never heard of huffing spray paint wouldn’t you spray paint yourself in the face trying that. anyway… decades later… this woman still maintains I’m lying to her about that day. Just an example of the refusal to break the narcicistic parents bubble delusion, accepting responcibility would mean she was basically an asshole…and a questionable Mommy to infant me. 🙃🔥😛

[@LeiraHP]

​@mohikseaglesfire8876 I could not understand the stories about paint, except for the fact she got u poison with lead paint. I'm sorry for everythg. Somethg else is please, don't waist any of ur energy & time in making them see stuff the right way. If they wanted to, they wouldn't have acted those ways from beginning. This doesn't mean letting them install the wrong perception of thgs on you; & this is want they do when they r in ur presence; & they do it all the time. This why u gotta be away from them; beside the fact that they will continue to harm u again & again. So stay away so they don't change the way u see yourself, them, others & reality to their favor & against u. & also yr protection of their always present damage. The only fact of them staying in a relationship with u, without recognizing ALL reality like it was, & recognizing & taking responsibility for ALL the damage & destruction they have cause, is painful in itself. Got it? Only the fact of them not recognizing ALL reality like it was/is, while maintaining a communication with u is harmful/hurful/damaging/sickening to u.

[@TheLordsbattleaxe]

Well done.

[@pelletier4432]

Radical acceptance sets us free.

[@sheilawilliams9080]

"Putting the relationship above your well being." I've been so guilty of this for so many years and tolerating the embarrassing and demeaning abuse because having the illusion of a relationship was more important than the painful reality.

[@Ina-wn7jd]

Yes, having the illusion of the relationship is more comfortable than the painful reality

[@rhuechantal6316]

The ability to listen to oneself, to have compassion for oneself, to have one's own life, friends, and a partner, to go to university and develop our skills and talents, to have thoughts and feelings, needs and desires, all were termed abhorent, betrayals by the narcissist parent. I was hated in my family system for testing out of high school at 16 and going to university. My siblings were jealous. How I wished I had been born into a family that actually praised instead of punishing academic and artistic accomplishments, who didn't beat me because I had friends I loved, and who could actually love their own children.

[@somethinggood9267]

***Internet hug***

[@qrisstrongmountain780]

I've realized that both of my parents were narcissistic abusers, and I was scapegoated from day one because they were unhappy in their marriage, probably because they couldn't feed off of each other enough to support their need for attention. My siblings were born much later, so I was told often the care of the little kids was more important. Both of my siblings grew up to be narcissists as well. My health has definitely been affected by all of the abuse & rejection I've endured from my family. Worse, I kept winding up in abusive relationships because the narcissists could see me coming a mile away & suck me in. I want help, but my declining health is making it harder to keep a roof over my head. The good news is that I'm safe now with people I can trust. However, I no longer believe that I can hold a deeper relationship with anyone after being abused in 2014 - 2015. It's been 7 years, and I don't trust anyone but my two closest friends. The videos really DO help, but the holidays always leave me feeling so alone. *Update: Thank you all for your kind support. I am pursuing healing, but have "turtled" for a while now. It's amazing to know that I'm not alone after all!

[@Naomi-vs1tl]

I'm so sorry you have had to deal with so much abuse. Your story resonates with me, as my parents also were both narcissistic, although my dad was much worse. My two siblings are also narcs; I am estranged from them, and the parents have passed. I know what you mean about finding it hard to trust people. I've only recently figured out that one sibling is a covert narc, and that a long-time friend is also a covert narc. It was confirmed for me when I stood up to both of them--something I had long avoided doing--and they both ghosted me, along with the overt sibling who I also tried to stand up to (but wasn't able to get a word in edgewise). I am fortunate that my spouse is a good person and we have a solid, healthy relationship, and I have a couple of friends I trust enough to share some of what I've been going through with all of this. But, it is hard to have to maintain a wall with most people about this stuff, as they can't understand, and will likely judge me. Even my ex-therapist judged me. All of this to say, you are not as alone as you may be feeling, there are many of us who find this time of year to be difficult. Stay strong, you can heal. I've also been ill for the past three years, but it is improving. I think as we heal emotionally, the physical aspect can also heal. Wishing you all the best, strength, wisdom, and a happier 2023.

[@dnk4559]

Fellow oldest child, scapegoat with Narcissistic parent. Mother was a mentally ill alcoholic and father was a narcissist who got stuck taking custody of us. He blamed me for not being a good enough psuedo mom to younger siblings. Now that parents have passed I realize my siblings have adopted all of our parents coping mechanisms and project all their pain onto me. This will be my first Christmas without extended family. I have peace though. I never deserved to be the family emotional punching bag. The siblings will have to find another way to deal with their pain.

[@unbreakable4650]

Don't stop living just use discernment 💥

[@z1z2z3z]

I'm sorry. A lot of us here in the same boat know just how you feel. I highly recommend the book "The Six Pillars of Self Esteem." It helps detail what self-esteem is and how you can actively increase self esteem by how you interact with the world. It's ok to have bad feelings because they help us process what is going on. Those people made you feel bad and it might take some time to get through. However, you can find happiness at the same time. Keep your head up!

[@z1z2z3z]

@@dnk4559 You are so strong!

[@thesehandsart]

"the danger of feeling good" so true!

[@izawaniek2568]

True. When somebody shows you who they are, believe them the first time. Thank you.

[@rascallyrabbit]

we analyze them to justify their abuse and accommodate their vitriolic brokenness. better for us to see that these emperors have no clothes and get away to safety when possible. great video

[@TejubescDM]

I've just ended cooperation with narcissistic supervisor and It's the biggest relief I've ever felt. I used to watch a lot of narcissism-videos, but I was was not aware he is the worst I've encountered. He groomed me by kindness and complementing my skills to get a free slave. One night I woke up at 2 am feeling absolutely disgusted about him, with no apparent reason, and then felt guilty cause he pretended to be so nice. His stupid face when I gave him back the keys to his office was priceless. The keys was a chain he put on me. He was shocked that he won't be able to manipulate and use me again, even though our cooperation legally ended at the end of the year with no suprise. Everytime I met him, I felt so exhausted as if he sucked the life energy out of me, I couldn't do anything till end of the day.

[@bethmoore7722]

I’ve been able to figure out the truth of my family history now, and learned a lot about narcissistic manipulation. But it’s hard for me to see it, when it’s right in front of me. Your feelings about your supervisor are exactly the way I felt about my ex. It was like living with a frigging vampire, and sounds much like the way your supervisor drained you of all you had. I’m so glad you saw what he is, and you’ve broken free. I’m really happy for you!

[@TejubescDM]

@@bethmoore7722 thank you kindly ❤. I am glad you moved on from your ex. They are vampires indeed. I think the legends about vampires are based on people like them cause they suck the life out of you and change body physicology. I wouldn't be suprised if someone got sick after being with them for long time. Thanks to content like this, I knew what's going on and how to protect myself. Narcissists will always attack your finaces (job opportunities, contracts etc) and relationships. Don't disclose anything meaningful to them and don't let them mediate between you and others. Awareness is a power 🍾

[@traweler155]

Psychologists cannot say that these persons have been dependent energetically from their abuser. It's a complex process and a lot of it is invisible, it's in the energies themselves. It used to be called the devil, today it is not used due to the operation of the operating system and scientific operation. The mechanism has not changed for centuries. On the one hand, it is attracting, enticing, a from other applications and advanced. Congratulations on getting out of the dark circle.

[@Joelswinger34]

I left a pretend-nice supervisor who took advantage of me too this year! It is a great feeling!

[@bethmoore7722]

@@TejubescDM Thank you! I believe they do make you sick, and when I was with my ex, I could not get a handle on my drinking. After I left him, I lost interest in alcohol. I know other people who have had addiction issues while with a narcissist. What you say about vampire myths sounds right, too. I would not be surprised if they are fueled by narcissistic people. They can make you feel like you’re in a Twilight Zone episode.

[@ClickTrain]

Quote: "Often, scapegoat survivors find it radical to consider that they can base their conclusions about another person - including the narcissistically abuse person - based on how the narcissistic-abuse survivor FELT in relation to that person. Most scapegoat survivors have had their own reality questioned, undermined, and invalidated so much that their own feelings don't feel like they are 'enough' to base conclusions upon. Instead, they've had to do mental gymnastics to justify the narcissistic parent's point of view on them at the cost of getting to possess their own reality point of view, in essence, getting to possess themselves."

[@chilloften]

It’s amazing the energy suck from your force with these people. I’d be consumed and get nowhere fast, and then they’d smear me for it. Mind blowing.

[@carolyn7682]

Just retired at 59 and am beginning to heal from the abuse of being a scapegoated child. I have lived my life with deeply damaged sense of self ,chronic stress and maladaptive behaviours. Successful on the outside and a bundle of nerves on the inside. These videos are the best I’ve come across in this topic!

[@danathrower2680]

Also important, parents are Mother Nature and Father Time. They were just people that played a role as parents.

[@Canaday291]

After divorcing a malignant narcissist alcoholic and surviving being his main scapegoat and target of abuse , I was enabling him by always making excuses for ,sweeping under rug, eliminating my standards and expectations , sacrificing my autonomy and self respect to just co exist with him.

[@shar.k12]

I can base my conclusions about another person based on how I feel in relation to that person. 🔥This hits hard and is exactly what I needed to hear. I was groomed in childhood to do the opposite of this. I’ve been groomed in adulthood to do the same. The veil is being lifted.

[@z1z2z3z]

The mandate to put the other person at the center of their world. Spot on! The more I let myself feel without making excuses for them, the more I heal. My ability to focus and be present is getting better. Compulsive behavior is getting easier to stop. If you haven't watched all of Jay's videos, I highly recommend!

[@Intrepid7]

Thank you Jay, these are great insights, and contributions to the recovery community.

[@DavidFraser007]

In my case I didn't have the biological tie with my adopting mother. But I did know that I needed a mother, but she went too far and I was left feeling nothing but disgust and I really mean physically disgusted. Even when she was trying to be nice, it looked insincere and repulsive and I couldn't stand her getting too near to me. This was from aged about 12 or 13, and it didn't feel good. I managed to hide it, but she tried to hug me once in front of other people and I just froze, I thought I was going to vomit.

[@saraz9017]

Are you sure they were a narcissist or was there adoption related attachment issues?

[@kirstenschweikert7181]

Thank you so much for encapsulating what happened to me with my narcissistic mother. It is so important to really understand what happened to me in order to be able to change my way of reacting to people who do me no good. And to be understanding with myself in loving kindness as it was such a mean and invisible procedure of being treated and trained through my whole childhood. The really bad thing is that it has really effected my relationships with partners because I picked unconsciously twice narcissistic men. But I hope that now after recovering from those relationships I will have a chance to find someone different. I am from Germany so I hope you can understand my English 😊

[@lorrainew7529]

I'm new to this platform but already it makes so much sense. Thank you so much 💜

[@lorrainenicoletti6232]

I’m glad you’re still calling it Scapegoat.

[@marcellarogers2724]

As always, thanks Jay for giving your time to help others heal and for your insights. Your perspective that self criticism is a way to relieve anxiety is so interesting and hopefully will really help me assess this self criticism in a more healthy way. It is so difficult to banish this self criticism, although I do feel this inner voice lessening its volume.

[@3_m_1_7]

Thanks Jay, I really enjoyed this one.

[@franciscoguevara9727]

For me i lived with a narc parent 2 years alone, and before that 16 years with both parent. IN the 2 years i lived alone it was in a different country to my onw i suffered a lot. The narc is selfish selfabsorbed exploitative and they dont care aboutdamage done to others. That being said, in my healing journey i found a safe enough other to validate what i had been to, in a support group for healing childhood trauma, i did some emdr, and i aalso got coaching around healthy boundaries nad how they are and how they look like. Yes there are people who are safer than the narc as in maybe my safe enoug fellow traveler who served as validator or an emotional friend to model to me me selfcompassion and healthy boundaries and integrity to my inner child , plus hold space for me. I began to understand , how it was the healthiest thing tto do to stick up for myself. I was finally in a toxic job and the way things where being communicated to me was shaming and were in putdowns. I spoke up enough i was more connected to myi nner child and my gurt, and finally one day when i saw it was going to be the samething again, i just left the job. I walked out , i felt a sense of victory seeing i could follow through with my healthy boundaries, and i felt a sense of self love maybe that i could have my inner childs back and that , for me this is the person i needed to think of first. When in a narc family we need to put ourselves last in an unhealthy way to survive , and that leads to things like anxiety or depression or addictions actually if you look at gabor mate's book when the body says's no for instance. A good book on healthy boundaries is no more mr nice guy . For men. And Not nice, by Aziz Gaziprurua its for both genders. I need to put myself first in a healthy way and start speaking up and even if that meant , that some people didnt like this healthy authentic me they couldnt control but that would prioritze staying in integrity to himself. Selfcompassion and healthy boundaries communication integrity to my inner child show me who the safe enough people are... toxic people will try to blameshift when something comes up, when i need to ask for space, when i need to ask them to get off my back for instance , or to be respectful or any healthy boundary toxic people will blameshift, as an empath with 3 years and almost 6 months in healing i can detect who the safe enough people are to connect to with gentleness humor love and respect towards myself and my recovery. God speed were healing were worth it, its healthy to be gentle on myself today and to have healthy boundaries integrity to my inner child communication , selfadvocacy in a healthy way and connect with safe enough others where our needs get met in reciprocal fashions. Grateful to God whom hs helped me in my journey, and my loving parent (me) who loves honors and protects speaks up for attunes and stays true to my inner child, and proccurs safe enough connections for him where needs get met. With time we can see who the safe enough people are, and empathy in people can be heard even how somepeople speak ,and the narcisistic energy can even become apparent in some cases by pushiness, domineeringess etc. We keep healing were worth it, selfcompassion healthy boundaries and integrity to my inner child ,we keep healing staying true. tous and finding safe enough others!:

[@lorrainenicoletti6232]

Thank you so much for your validation. I get caught in it and FEEL horrible, but then get CAUGHT in the WEB of the abuse and can’t RATIONALLY get out of days of depression, rage, hopelessness. UNTIL your WORDS and RATIONAL explanation as to what and why this is happening saves me/us. You are doing HIGH SERVICE and work . Thank you for knowing what I went through with a very very hurtful Mother and now a sister . A family of Narcissistic abuse. Decades of hell.

[@ClickTrain]

9:25 "When a survivor gets to identify and challenge the mandate to put the other person at the center of their world, then they get to know how other people make them feel, and make decisions based on this information. So the survivor gradually gets to think about the ways their narcissistic parent treated them as wrong just because it felt wrong. There is way less of a felt demand to justify, say, feeling wounded by the narcissistic parent by having to answer all of, say, the imagined counter arguments which the narcissistic person/parent might say if they saw the survivor putting themselves first in this way. You know, retorts like, "You're just being too sensitive." Or, "See, you are the narcissistic one here, always making everything about yourself." Another retort might be, you know, "When are you going to get over it? You're just stuck in the past." These imagined rebukes, the loudness of them, gets turned down more and more in recovery so that the survivor gets to eventually stop acknowledging them. While meanwhile, the volume or the loudness gets turned up on their own inner voices of what they want and don't want for themselves."

[@selfesteem3447]

Thank You Doc J. Merry Christmas to you and yours💌 🎄

[@LilBrownieD]

this is extraordinarily on point

[@dianeshoemaker6591]

This video really spells out my experience with my parents. Even though my father is long gone and my mother and I are estranged and she has dementia, I still psychologically struggle with not seeing the good in them. I really had to live there full time to survive and deny the bad. This video is helping me to keep pursuing seeing the truth and put myself first by telling myself I am safe now. I have found it very difficult to find safe people however. I won’t give up and will check out your offerings. Thank you so much for all this content. It’s such a meaningful contribution!

[@dark7angel456]

I really like the part where the loud feeling of 'youre just being sensitive' 'selfish' Or whatever they use against me. Whenever i wanted Me in My Life... it seemed impossible... I always felt heavy and painful, missing out on life and never living it.. Insanity from mental mind games Glad you understand me. Really is a good feeling

[@dark7angel456]

These videos really help me feel my pressure relieved in my mind knowing that there is somebody out there that understands what I have to go through and what caused so much of my mental anguish... Even applies to a narcissistic people in general too. 👏🙏 I feel more balanced now. Not so unstable... i was such a wreck before.

[@sinandtonicsophie]

Jay saying ‘irl’ at the end 🥰 Absolutely adore your personality 😊 Thank you very much for helping me on my healing journey Jay! Your humour always brings a smile for me too 🙌

[@Joelswinger34]

That analogy with OCD really was a light bulb moment for me! I am so afraid to think well of myself. I am going to practice saying good things about myself with my therapist. Thank you so much!

[@z1z2z3z]

"Who the cap fit, let them wear it" Bob Marley

[@izawaniek2568]

Thank you for this greatly supportive and encouraging message.

[@merrill5780]

Covert narcissist partner trained me to always discount my feelings. Deliberate cruelty? " Let's forgive and forget" .

[@poppysunshine5164]

Wow! That is such a great explanation and much needed advice 😊

[@cairosilver2932]

Surely this shows how dire the situation is - if you can't hope for something with a parent, how can you hope for something with a world that shows itself as pretty cold? But I guess to a large extent depression is giving up on hope.

[@katieg7679]

Jay, you are awesome. I always come back to this channel because I think it's been consistently the most helpful for me. It's like the perfect mix of understanding and having compassion for your traumas and the application of that knowledge to reframe how you see yourself and the world. So grateful for all your great help this year.

[@kimberlywatson6718]

Thank you Jay!! I really appreciate your therapy. I really appreciate the therapy because it makes me realize how much goodness and love I have in me that has been supressed by trauma. :Lisa

[@dark7angel456]

This explains my feelings...

[@OnlineSchoolofEnglish]

Thank you, Jay! ❤

[@jreid-heal-narcissistic-abuse]

You are so welcome

[@emmalouie1663]

Thank you!

[@nicholecornes1915]

YES!

[@ericphilo6194]

i'm kinda impacted multi-sensory so bullet points in text is helpful

[@traweler155]

Dear Jay Reid! I greatly appreciate your videos. I saw them many, and profited a lot from them. I am not an english native speaker so your talk is too intensive for me. Could you speak slower? The famous speaker who is easy to listen for me is Rabbi Friedman. His tempo is slower so the content is easily to follow. Your content is immenslely valuable, but I have real problems with following instantly, even I read psychology texts for 40 years and have a diploma for english for academic purposes. I had such problems with psychology texts of my native language. I am a SGSur. so I wanted to know what is the meaning and what are the dependencies. Slower pace would help me (and maybe not only me) to be more in touch with the matter. Thank you a lot for your work!

[@melliecrann-gaoth4789]

Hello Tra Weler, would it help if you put the subtitles on?

[@Lioness_of_Gaia]

You can change the speed. You can slow it down. Try asking how to in your search engine.

[@leahweinberger583]

​@whatnextincomo unkind. Would it kill you to be polite? Stop "shoulding" on people. Jaysus.

[@somethinggood9267]

Click on the icon in the upper-right hand corner of the video and then select playback speed and you can choose what speed do you want the video to play at

[@nicholecornes1915]

😂 im going to be HAPPY WITH OUT my husband!

[@dark7angel456]

Jay, Can you make a video of how to escape the enmeshment when it is happening? Before it gets too much/too bad? I had to struggle with feeling my own self and keeping my own reality mine without enmeshment and my reality muffled and not paying attention to my feelings because they didnt matter to narcissists.

[@MartineReed]

Can you please speak to when the adult child is the narcissist?

[@Amylyn..]

So id ask my mother to explain why she said what she said in more detail.... And her answer would be ...... She would sing it .... I don't know.....

[@everyonehasincommon1216]

If I have a request for Jay to discuss a topic, where will I post it? Will he see it in comments?