Stop self-punishment to heal from narcissistic abuse as the scapegoat

[@missyk2984]

It’s too painful this kind of abuse really messes up the mind. I struggle with isolation, avoidance and I feel constantly numb or detached.

[@reg8297]

I feel very same way after lifetime of abuse from mother a partner who's now and x even lying down at night I feel I am going to get so sick The exhaustion is so intense from all I've suffered my mind when I'm trying to rest on my bed feels like a bus ran over my brain

[@pelletier4432]

@@reg8297 Time, distance and self care is everything. You got this.

[@reg8297]

@@pelletier4432 very hard lost so much due to mothers abuse met partner abused me too and then he spent 20 years brainwashing my kids to hate me it's only this year there realising what he did but it can't ever give me back all years they stole from me it's hardest part I just about managed to take my tree for Christmas out of its box today its. So heartbreaking thanks god bless you

[@pelletier4432]

@@reg8297 I hear you. It's not easy but what a relief you are awake and your children are listening. Be well and be patient with the process. Decorate your tree with love and celebrate your choosing a better path forward. Happy holiday season to you and your children!

[@goldieh7121]

So sorry you are going through this! I have found that the more I wake up, learn about what happened to me, and feel less numb, the more my shame comes out and it feels harder. I am trying to remind myself that I repressed so many feelings all these years and at least I am no longer feeling so numb. The only way I seem to have learned to feel is through shame. I think the shame takes the place of our feelings, when our feelings are too dangerous to express. When my shame takes over, I have been trying to figure out what feeling is hiding behind it. Sometimes naming the feeling can release much of that feeling of shame. You made it out, now you can learn to be patient and kind to yourself💕

[@Englandforever555]

Do any scapegoats find it hard to show that they are having a happy day as the narcissist hated you being happy.

[@goldieh7121]

Hmm...I got both. Me being any other emotion than happy could mean that they weren't being good enough parents, or they were I'll equipped to deal with any other emotion. But, me having too much fun, could elicit contemptuous wrath from my dad. Or, if I was having to much fun with someone else, or the other parent, they would find some way to shut it down.

[@fireball865]

ABSOLUTELY. My mother was happiest when she had me at my lowest point. As soon as I would find some joy in life, she would get annoyed and start picking at little issues, starting arguments over nothing. Then she'd flip the script on me, which pit everyone who bought her b.s. against me---just anything to destroy me if I dared seemed happy about anything in her presence. I have had to go no contact with her.

[@jazbogideon7050]

Yes

[@JaneDoe-uf5ig]

Yeh I do too, it feels very unsafe and comes with a lot of shame and anxiety..

[@singstreetcar5881]

My father hates seeing me happy

[@leeboriack8054]

A happy person reminds the narc of their painful emptiness and lack of self. The narc destroys a happy person to avoid their inner pain.

[@mores5780]

Could never see why happiness was such a threat. Astounding so many people have the same feelings. I thought I was alone. Thank you Jay and everyone commenting.

[@rascallyrabbit]

I now see that most of the giants of my childhood, parents, teachers, religious persons, friends, were in the darkness leading me away from the light into the darkness. but I am going to let this little light of mine, shine.

[@goldieh7121]

Yes!

[@j.g.5765]

That's so key --- Appearing as less of a target is an important theme. The more depressed your seem and the less effort you make, then less attacks you get. Self sabotage in a nutshell!!

[@pault9544]

I realized I often feel this way after sticking up for myself or being honest with someone when what they did hurt me. I end up feeling sorry afterwards like I did something wrong by speaking up. It's this cognitive dissonance that makes me feel idk right from wrong.

[@Benjaminleo815]

I absolutely understand this!

[@leeboriack8054]

By becoming a failure, Terry was less of a threat to the narcissistic dad's ego and in Terry's mind in a weird way was getting closer to his dad.

[@valeriegonzalez6629]

It is so good to see you back. I don't think anyone else better expresses the psychodynamic aspects of these intrapsychic aspects of coping with narcissistic abuse and scapegoating. Even your analytic statements express a sort of pervasive empathy. Please keep it up.

[@sarahgorsuch1776]

Agreed! He is the best out there, IMHO! 🤍

[@christar9527]

I’m so glad I just found him. Everyone else who people tell you to listen to just talks about what the narcissist does and why. It’s not helpful and even gets to be harmful after awhile. Jay gives you, as the scapegoat, tools to use. I haven’t found anyone else who specializes in family scapegoating. I like him so far.

[@boazwald9585]

@@christar9527 2q¹

[@marjol3in]

​@@christar9527 me too. He is the best!

[@victoriazajchowski9257]

A jewel - I really feel someone gets this awful game I had to play.

[@Layla-fr7mf]

Thank you for this insight. Another issue with accepting achievements growing up as a scapegoat is that your achievements were usually met with disdain, comparison, sarcasm, negativity or just blatantly ignored by the narcissist because of their fragile ego. If you did achieve anything great, the narcissist would be quick to take that away from you by telling you “it’s because of their genes” or somehow they used to achieve the same and better at your age so this is done to gaslight your achievements and make you feel unworthy which is why we have an issue with accepting our achievements when we are older with acute imposter syndrome. I remember I would always feel wrong in some way for being a high achiever because the “well done” comments were always followed by being chastised and compared to the narcissist like it was a competition while being told about how my achievements were not enough or how I could do better so you end up associating your achievements with negativity from a young age. It’s the same as the “you missed a spot” comments no matter how sparkling clean the room may be etc It truly is a sick mind game.

[@jedd1999]

YES. This is very relatable.

[@goldieh7121]

So sorry you had to go through this! I think double binds are one the worst mindf#@k ever. It's all...Do well enough so we can brag about you being better than your cousins, or our friends kids, but don't be so good you show us up. It's always about comparing us to whoever, in order to make us feel less than, or someone else less than. Even complements feel icky to me, because it means it's putting someone else down, or I am aware that there will always be someone else better than me at some point.

[@Margo-oj5yc]

I get it. The version I got was "it was in spite of yourself, not because of anything you did".

[@Ariadne76-k3d]

Yes, I remember when I was the only kid in my kindergarten class who could read the word "table," despite being younger than the rest of the class. My mother just pointed out that she could also read that word .

[@Margo-oj5yc]

@@Ariadne76-k3d That's...a special kind of special. Did she want a medal for being a grown woman who can read better than a typical 5 year old?

[@fantasip]

Thank you Jay for helping the scapegoats sorting out the tangled psychological life issues

[@margaretkoev9760]

Both of my parents are malignant narcissists. And just like Terry’s case I had no option but to attach to someone greatly harmful. I experienced every type of abuse from both of them, but it was my mother that was more “present”, my father more neglectful, so I attached more so to her. Horrifically though, she was only present in malicious ways-as was he. I was either going to kill myself or successfully escape the night I finally left. It’s been nearly a year since cutting them off yet it still feels like yesterday. This video and others on the subject bring me to tears every time. And anger. Children of narcissistic abuse, we have truly been ROBBED! Robbed of life, robbed of ourselves, our beauty, our breath… and yes financially as well. (Every type of abuse.)

[@northstar5919]

💜

[@dancinginthepurplereign4126]

I did this in all my relationships. Instead of celebrating my achievements I shrunk myself in order to be close to narcissistic partners, friends and family. Staying away from narcissists really helps because I am away from the pathological envy. Thank you for this! It's the exact same situation I grew up under. Mother was the main narc, father was the mini narc.

[@LisaSmith-yb2uz]

Same ✌️😌❤️‍🩹

[@DagmarAmrein]

Same!

[@Ariadne76-k3d]

Yes, I don't mention a lot of things about myself to people for fear they might become envious. I do most of the listening in relationships. I want to be seen and heard but it is hard to find anybody who doesn't prefer to just talk about themselves.

[@ofheroesandmen2577]

This describes the dynamic between me and my "father" exactly. I was and am terrified to outshine and surpass my father. Despite the fact that I possess far more natural talents, intelligence and vision than he does. I've won awards, received much praise and accolades but right as I'm on the cusp of breaking through to the next level, I find a reason to bring it all down. I don't know what to do.

[@Thysta]

You sure it is true or we all read about narcissism way too much and convinced ourselves? There was a point years ago that I convinced my self that I WAS a narcissist not my father.

[@madness6436]

I always have the feeling that I'm not doing enough. Whenever I receive praise or compliments for my work my thoughts are "They don't know what they are saying, when they will see who I really am they will fire me." These thoughts demotivate me and make me perceive my job havier in a "labor for the sake of labor" kind of way. I just feel that it will never be enough anyway..

[@jembartlett]

This is next-level advice right here. I feel self acceptance is half the battle. Sometimes, well-meaning things like mindfulness and EFT tapping can be used to try and just get rid of all the badness. There's something naive and childlike about that fantasy - ie when all the badness is gone, then I'll be ok and be able to start living my dream life. I'm wrestling with this stuff at the mo. Another great vid Jay, you're an unusually perceptive chap

[@christinfierro8009]

Thank you for posting this video. I've described it like, when something good happens to me my anxiety starts to take over, I feel like a kid about to get in trouble. I feel like the only way to get rid of the anxiety is to set things right in the world again, meaning nullifying the good that just happened or giving it to someone else like hot potato. As soon as that good thing is no longer mine, I feel so much better. I feel like I can breathe again. But my heart breaks at the same time.

[@lovesings2us]

Thank you for your honesty, courage and willingness to share, which helped me.

[@Benjaminleo815]

I thought I was the only one who felt this way. Thank you for writing this comment.

[@suzannegermroth2968]

Me too....if something good happens for me, I'll discount it, or give all credit to who gave it. Almost like I'm not deserving. I pray we all get to a receiving 'mode', we are worthy too. Thank you for sharing, I relate and feel less alone.

[@karamlevi]

Same

[@kimlec3592]

Remember you are surviving...despite the pain & loss & confusion. Regard yourself with acceptance for this fact alone. if you have lost loved ones due to the emotional & psychological violence & neglect... keep fighting ro live. i know it is not easy. Remember lost loved ones by sticking around to tell the truth.. even if only to yourself. You never need to violate your own privacy. Remember you are here to tell yourself truth. it matters not what others say. they have not experienced what you have.

[@lovesings2us]

Thank you.

[@michaelgarrow3239]

It’s really fun when you get tag teamed by relatives. Yes, you can’t control your feelings.

[@piprogers4638]

Brilliant. Thank you for this insight. I really get it. It might explain my procrastination and lack of motivation...that I'm unconsciously failing in order to gain parental acceptance. Phew. Mind blowing! It also allows me to not have a life, it feels bad & sad but strangely safe to not achieve, to fail, to never try. Feels like I'm leaning on them, I'm seeking their approval & doing what they want so I'm excused from having a life. And it feels comforting. My goodness. That's sad & quite shocking. I'm so glad you've brought this to my attention. And I will now look at my life with fresh eyes. Thank you.

[@lesliewind338]

My moher has been dead for over 20 years, It is my hope that videos like this will support the actual end of tyranny..

[@lorilaurenspill8471]

I had an extremely healing moment when I could tell I was going to begin a cycle of negative thoughts. I sat down and allowed myself to feel all the thoughts I was thinking but I also paid attention to what my mind was telling me to do or calling me to action. I realized that when I thought negatively I reached out to people that would hurt me more. As I chose not to act on those promptings I continued to feel. The negative feelings expanded and I wanted to hurt myself….while at the same time I watched all this unfold. I was shocked on some level just how much I hurt myself. It was a session that I was worried that I might have done myself harm…in the brain. Because I let the masochism expand but I chose to sit in it instead of acting on it. The pain was truly horrific. When it was over and I was able to settle into a more balanced energy state….I felt a bit empty. It took months to process but now looking back it was an incredible healing process. Though I am not completely done healing. It worked.

[@Wonderwall36]

I've been looking for an explanation for my self-sabotaging behavior and feelings for a long time.

[@user-ey4rc5tu4t]

It’s very hard to figure out. Some of us are so conditioned we hardly realize we are doing it.

[@CplBaker]

I literally am afraid when good news comes, and the better the news the more I hate it and wait for the opposite to happen. The shoe literally feels like it's hanging over my head like Damocles.

[@reg8297]

I feel bad depression my hole life due to effects of abuse

[@annicks7385]

That was my life. Father gone and had to attach to an abuser . And yes I do hide my success so that I don’t become a target . I have been doing it my whole life

[@julienewkirk2194]

I have a narcissistic mother and I can really relate to this. Honestly I waited a really long time to finish my degree. I was always told I couldn’t do anything and then when I did do something I was never told “good job” or “I’m proud of you.” It’s a struggle at work and I’m finally finishing my degree, but I’ve struggled to apply for jobs where others already have. I’m actually crying while writing this. Why can’t I do it?

[@IlOoveElohim1994]

Congratulations on your degree 🎉🎉having a narcissistic mother who does not acknowledge our achievements leads to us self doubting!! I relate to everything that you have said! The word of encouragement is to click and apply, just go for it, ask your higher power for assistance. Sending you lots of courage xx

[@Thysta]

Hope you have that job now!

[@mysticsuzi]

We are proud of your Julie! Look at all you have accomplished and how far you have come even with the weight of a narc mother trying to drag you back into her lair. You can do this! One baby step at a time. We are all here to support you!

[@madness6436]

It's when I embrace my negative parts that I actually feel the love.

[@lovesings2us]

What a beautiful comment! Thank you. I'm inspired.

[@stacyalcorn9184]

Thank you for these videos, each one is a treasure of awareness and allows me to alter my perspective and exhale.

[@jeanneweitzparadise1426]

Wow, I just made a connection! I find myself rescuing demanding women friends who criticize me when I say no to their demands. Example: Ann wanted to be chauffeured to run errands despite snow storms or freezing temperatures in our long Minnesota Winters. I had an accident running a frivolous errand that cost me $600 in new tires and endangered me. She expressed no empathy or responsibility of costs. I wasn't a good friend if I refused despite my safety concerns. Eventually the conflict surfaced when I said no to a request. Ann was angry I wasn't a caring friend. She never contributed to my expenses. She tried shaming me but I was relieved, and somewhat scared to be free of her. In the end, I'm mad at myself for not seeing her narcissistic behavior, which was so similar to my mother who didn't drive, called me selfish and unChristian while demanding help. When I complied to demands, I was never good enough to please her and she was a victim. I ask myself why don't I learn this lesson, this is not a true friend. I'm healing from a narcissistic mother through these encounters and learning to love and protect myself. Good exercise, very thought provoking.

[@kismypencek6185]

Impressive and just in time for my need with work trauma. This pulled me out of a, idk, days long dissociation state before my audit which I dont deserve to be off kilter for it. We are lucky you use your gift for good.

[@Quantum36911]

I thought that I had finally managed to make my mother feel safe and loved enough not to attack me anymore, but when I had a huge success and was about to move, she went insane with jealousy, lied to my doctor, and signed me into a psych ward. It took 10 days to get out. I was so traumatized and terrified, I barely talked for a year. I lost my new job, my apartment, my confidence, and my will to live was shattered. She got what she wanted... me as a semi-invalid barely alive in her basement, not well enough to live my life, only existing to serve her need to control me. I eventually moved to my narcissist father's house, because at least he didn't try to take over my life, just expects me to take care of him. I learned not to have anything of my own, so they could not take it away from me. I feel robbed of an entire life. I don't think the pain will ever go away. Your videos saved my life.

[@lovesings2us]

I'm so sorry you went through all that. Hope things are better now.

[@Quantum36911]

@@lovesings2us Than k you so much for your kindness. I finally got a job I love as a peer support at a women's shelter, so even though I still feel like a shell of my former self sometimes, I push through it and things have slowly gotten better. I thank you and wish you peace and love!

[@lovesings2us]

Thank you for sharing your keen insight on this difficult subject. This video helped me a lot. I did the exercise you suggested even though I was scared to do it because I sensed it would help me get more integrated and whole - which in my family still means risking retaliation.

[@kittenhasclaws3006]

Omg! I needed this! Went no contact with my mother - its been over a year it’s awful. Thanks for the vid. I always say you’re a hidden gem. 🙏🏼

[@pinkmeadows]

continue to heal... one day at a time 🙏❤️

[@pilis.5681]

Almost 2 years here for me, hugs. It's hard to go NC and takes a lot of courage.

[@Mali-qq6tl]

'I feel empty and anchor less when I try to sleep.' Wow, that one resonates with me and is why I comfort eat at night. Thank you for phrasing it that way. You really know what it feels like. I can't believe how intuitive you are about this topic. 🙏🏻

[@inhale.exhale.2527]

you just said what triggered my anger earlier! moving the fng goalposts!!

[@macyr2216]

My father and late husband were this way. Some claim it was my mother, but my mother was just trying to keep the peace and she was mimicking the ways my father would " keep the peace".

[@CocoTheDiamond]

i've been punishing myself to the point of alcohol abuse and the physical consequences thereof. i don't know how to ever feel better about myself. i am very accomplished and intelligent but my abuser tells me what a failure i am and how nothing good i do has any value. they see nothing good in me at all. i've been seeing myself through their lens for years and years and my health is ruined as a consequence. but i'm at the point of giving up. i'll never be good enough for anyone. i don't know how to not be self destructive.

[@pelletier4432]

Try to remember the things said to you are projections of how they feel about themselves. It isn't about you because nothing can be about anyone else than themselves. Emotionally distance and try as best you can to look at it logically. They are pathological liars.

[@CocoTheDiamond]

@@pelletier4432 thank you

[@pelletier4432]

@@CocoTheDiamond Any time. We all deserve better and you're not alone!

[@goldieh7121]

So sorry you are going through this! I know it's hard to believe after so much conditioning, but what you are being told, and start to believe, is not true. Gabor Mate has some good videos about addiction. There are so many ways we try to distract ourselves and try to fill the void many of our childhoods left us with. He describes that, even if a childhood was seemingly normal, there are many ways we can end up not feeling loved and that something is missing. Please have patience and sell compassion for yourself 💕

[@micheleparadis2808]

Ironically, I feel very comforted by the fact that I'm not alone in feeling this way, that my family dynamic and my whole experience are "textbook". Thank you.

[@pamslove]

100% accurate…so sad that we carry these patterns into adulthood until we can LOOK at the patterns…thank you for painting a clear picture.

[@charlottemacdonald4167]

My father (the Narcissist) was a musician; but not a complete musician. In other words he did not go to music school or become a professional. He went to medical school instead. He did study singing with a couple of fine teachers, was invited to sing with the San Francisco Opera Chorus (which he declined because he was a medical resident) , and had the support of my mother who also loved music. When he came home, he never talked about medicine, but our life was music and he had many high level artist friends. He performed on the world stage and I remember how happy he was. When we came home after that period, it was back to medicine. All three of us were musically talented and we were given lessons by amazing artists. Though I was a diligent music student, I was not encouraged to pursue it at college. My father never took an interest in my music, except to perform when guests visited, playing voice music I had never seen before. It was a scenario tailor made to create a feeling of embarrassment and not quite getting there. I naturally like to do things well. I had no idea what to do in college so I went to work as a Legal Secretary. Fast forward 30 years when I woke up to music. I now have been to 2 years of music school (A grades) and have a fair number of successes (teaching); pretty much anything I put my hand to musically is a success. However, I hold back in some way, like the young man of which you speak of. Awhile ago I realised my father was not what he seemed to be; he too had held back. He was not a professional musician. He had an emotional block. It has been difficult to acknowledge this fact. Because my need to make him "okay" has been stronger than my need to blossom into the musician I can be. I loved him and sometimes I am still allowing the grief to surface and pass away. I think I have felt guilty about being so happy.

[@gillianhamilton6535]

To avoid being continously attacked while working towards goals, with success, the emotionally safe solution appears as disappearing to the attackers, which evidently destroys any successful personal outcome. Sigh.

[@melliecrann-gaoth4789]

Thank you Jay as always great food for thought, with your skill and integrity coming through. I need watch a couple times more. Then I’ll try the exercise. My experience also includes being a courageous and supportive sibling in a large family. Now to find my adult siblings who “socially function” doing the scapegoating behaviours across the spectrum right through to shunning. This I could never have imagined being the outcome of all that surviving.

[@christar9527]

My siblings latched on to the parental scapegoating and shunning too. The hatred of me was profound. No contact was the best thing I ever did.

[@selkiehimbo]

oh my fuck that explains why my negative self talk only crops up when i actually get my ass in gear. i can be so mean to myself when im doing well or doing what I Want. thanks for the video ! i try to accept the self hating part of me when it crops up, im gonna try your technique too.

[@donnaboness7243]

Absolutely understand the self-punishing as I practiced this religiously for years as a strange kind of “false-comforter”…. more freedom now as I am understanding the spiritual aspects of this. You articulate the process well, and that is helpful.

[@JazzLispAndBeer]

My problem rather excactly. I will try the solution given here.

[@francesbernard2445]

In summary: In some families family members take turns being the scapegoat. Sometimes becoming the unsuccessful scapegoat instead of continuing to play the role of the emerging family hero to take over an aging parent's own responsibilities not being met in addition to their own during self-actualization seems like the only way to survive while being expected to become greater than you are while growing up to continue supporting the vulnerable narcissist in the home because of the unconscious fear of being abandoned again in intergenerational disfunction.

[@renee8543]

Yeah, I act similarly. It's hard to be successful, both my parents were jealous of me when I was. Very painful childhood.

[@catjones2684]

I watched the webinar today and I wanted to hop on the comments and say thanks.

[@radicalhonesty3628]

processing processing processing: trying to untangle the mess in my mind while I watch this video... how did I create this? and why? why why why? why oh why God why? what's the lesson? what must I unlearn? falling for a man: obsessed with health and fitness. and me? diabetic. fat. overweight: my whole life. he's vegan. I love meat. he's a fitness trainer. leisure walks are the only exercise I get. I have a bad back, I can't do much. fitness is far from my thing. for him: fitness is EVERYTHING. why would I do this to myself? why why why? fall for a man that would/could never: fall for me back?

[@goldieh7121]

Terry's experience totally resonated with me, this video is very validating. Thank you! Both of my parents did, and still do that with me. They would encourage me to make friends, and as soon as I did and was feeling good, I'd be called selfish or they would find some way to insidiously put my friends down. It was important to be seen as sociable, but constantly told me the world is a dangerous place. They would criticize extended family, but always said how important it was to stay connected with extended family. When I fell into favor with one parent, the other parent would get jealous and find something to lash out against me for. These double binds also happened with my ex, friends and in work scenarios. My ex told me I needed to make friends, but would embarrass me in front of others and eventually started telling me how depressed he was, and thinking about suicide, when I was about to leave to go out with a friend. My ex friend used to tell me how important friends were, but then tell me how dangerous others, except her, was, and that I should never share anything with anyone but her. I am now more cautious and don't want to make friends just to make friends. I think my parents have finally gotten the idea that I don't want them asking if I'm making friends or doing anything fun, but they and my brother are always emphasizing how important friends and family are. I now hardly share anything too personal with my parents, because I know how frustrating their reactions usually are. If anyone tells me how dangerous the outside world is, I see that as a definite red flag

[@DezMarivette]

Very cool exercise you shared. It’s remarkable how something so easy can have a long lasting effect.

[@yerin2272]

Good to see you back!

[@meredithalbion3721]

The exercise at the end of this video has been life changing. It is helping me integrate what has always felt like a pointilist conception of myself. I am so grateful I found this channel.

[@makaylahollywood3677]

I took matters in my own hands by getting increasingly quiet. Nobody has said peep. I suppose it's good they are not saying anything to me- and yet, it feels odd. Thank you Jay for your professional and affective videos.

[@sej4633]

I always feel so overwhelmed with emotions after watching you talk, so much that I even struggle to find words on how to thankyou for putting these out. Everything you say is really relatable and thankyou for existing. God bless

[@anikenmoonwalker]

I relate to your anecdote and it's comforting even to just hear someone who clearly knows what they're talking about. Thank you, Jay.

[@carlorizzo827]

👍👍👍affecting me deeply. Radical shift. I have been viewing the self condemnation as demons requiring exorcism. To frame it as parts of me to accept/talk to/make friends with immediately brought tears to the eyes, like the chest is cracking, as i recognize it's about forgiveness, forgiving the triumvirate of parents & older sibling. Do tears, grieving, melt anger. I hope so

[@cairosilver2932]

I've run into that issue of waiting for mounting calamity before doing a task - but there were no comments like Terry got if I did the thing earlier. Then again there were no comments at all, it was an emotional void. So I guess that's something to avoid as well. Thanks for the video.

[@Ariadne76-k3d]

Thank you so much for making these videos available to us! You explain things really well.

[@carolynkepler2826]

This rings true for me only with my mother and brother. I’m artistically talented but had to hide it so I wouldn’t be a target. Lately, I’ve been displaying my paintings more and getting positive feedback. I’ve also gone back and looked at paintings that I rejected as no good. They are not as bad as I thought.

[@Harry-qw5jv]

It's nice to see you again Jay. I really understood this and it felt healing and calming. Some thing I do not yet understand is how I can have memories of the abuse which feel like intrusive thoughts, like my mom screaming and swearing at me, and if I try the same exercise of welcoming this as part of me it feels worse. Maybe this isn't part of me? I don't understand that yet.

[@RK-qs5dy]

Hi, Harry! I have similar concerns (just left my commentary about it) and I feel like it is dangerous to accept as my part something what in fact is not mine - abuser's introject. I accept all my parts and I reject all abuser's bs. I practiced this a lot with other psychological techniques. I hope Jay will clarify this technique further.

[@Harry-qw5jv]

@@RK-qs5dy I really hear you, I practice this too and yet because I still get so confused about what is my stuff and what is the pathological projective identification still at work, and all their bs emotions I'm carrying which aren't mine, it feels scary trying to own things sometimes, I try to own stuff that's not my own and this is not helpful at all.

[@lisaperez8276]

The way I understood it, I think he means that, for example, if in the same week you launched a cool new product at work but you also spent 2 days lounging around eating half your weight in carbs because you felt lousy and had no energy, to kind of sit with the reality of both these things as part of the total picture of how you’re experiencing yourself and offer both love rather than to try to mentally cut off the part of yourself that ate a thousand tacos this week and say that part of you sucks and doesn’t deserve love while the other, more “productive,” part of you is awesome and absolutely deserves all the love. (At least this is me right now LoL🌮)

[@Harry-qw5jv]

@@lisaperez8276 hi Lisa, yeah I get what Jay is saying, I found it really healing like I say. But I do have trouble distinguishing my own stuff from stuff that belongs to the abusers and this makes it often a very complicated process, in my own life.

[@lisaperez8276]

@@Harry-qw5jv Totally hear you Harry. I’m having the same struggles and it can feel so challenging to parse everything out. Sending lots of 💖 & best wishes on your healing journey.

[@katica5629]

Can you do a video about addiction during and after narcissistic abuse? I feel like I abuse coffee to stay in the fight and flight state

[@northwestelitespirit]

May this be why some kids hit themselves when they make a mistake?

[@chickenbiscuit4525]

Any thought that distracts them from their regular thought is more than likely going to set them off in a better direction. It does let them go free and with the anchor up, positively by choice. 🙏

[@kadirramazn]

i feel like burden in life, feel like every one is going to degrade me, push me around and i can't stay for my self in that scenarios. I believe i grow a inner self-hate because of my narcissistic mother and i dont know how to get rid of this and find my true self and hold it

[@lisaperez8276]

Resonate with Terry all the way 🙋🏻‍♀️ (Terry rules), though it took me a long time to notice some of the experiences and pair up the times I’d get shut down for opposite behavior (judged too fat/too skinny by the same person for example) because I’d cut off the disapproval I was actually receiving psychologically & tell myself the person didn’t mean it, I guess a way of rejecting the part of myself that was being scapegoated as a way to keep feeling good about myself and my efforts.

[@sospita_]

Yep. Tonight I wrote a whole inventory about ow the world is coming to an end and I had 3 acres set for off the grid living, hand pump well and all, in the most beautiful place and I messed it all up, sold it. I cant do anything right. My Mom told me I recked her life.

[@sannajohanna5579]

Everything is getting clarity in my life when I listen to your videos. Yes, changing the rules was typical in my home of origin. I cannot do anything right, and I notice that even today I freeze when I even want to accomplish something. The samage that my mother and ger enablere, my fateher, have done to me is really huge. It has effected everything in my life. The biggest grief I have is that seemingly I was not good mother to my daughter. She has suffered about this system so badly. I lost my life. Only ruins are left. I do notcsee any meaning in life. I lost everything that I loved.

[@moirabijker]

Thank you, Jay...this is all about accepting myself as a whole person.

[@hellodenise9612]

So glad I found your channel! Married 3 kid, and then divorced. I shrunk and left. Terrible, terrible. I think what you said in this video is what I have been doing my whole life. Seeking out people who treat me bad.

[@emalanispeaks883]

Just what I needed to hear today. Thank you

[@joltjolt5060]

When things are too good, I do always wait for the shoe to drop.

[@AndyWearsPants]

This is huge as scapegoats age. Please do more videos on this topic!

[@stanleydrive740]

Dear Jay, this video actually acknowledges & explains my experience! How very healing! Thank you so much, so very much.💙💙

[@michaelgarrow3239]

There are plenty of people the will knock you down if they can. Gotta stand up for yourself.

[@marcuslong9761]

Yep 100%. If you're known as a screw up by the ones you love, you'll screw up on purpose to continue that attachment. So common sense says the only way to break that pattern is, detach from the people who's love is contingent on you being a screw up. And this will have a ripple effect in your life bc I'd be willing to bet that you've attracted friends, bosses, and partners that carry out the same pattern that you have w your parents. So once you break one pattern, you'll start to break the rest as well. And your backwards compass will start to correct itself.

[@ChristopherDonnerArtist]

Well this feels accurate to my life.

[@kimlec3592]

The flattery got me. Appeals to need to feel useful, in charge. Jesus said do not judge.. He was right. The positive can be used to control a person - ie the golden child.

[@blackbutterfly2310]

I’m well on my healing journey estranged now for 3 years and this video just gave me an aha moment 🖤🦋

[@therealdeal3672]

Hi Jay, thank you for your videos on narcissistic abuse and scapegoating. I'm only on the second one that I've seen, and they're so triggering and I have to work really hard to get through without getting distracted losing focus or probably actually dissociating somewhat. I am not highly dissociative, but this is one of the most triggering topics for me, having been scapegoated by my father originally, who died when I was 11, and then later after my mother died by all my surviving siblings, at the age of 52. I remain no contact with the surviving siblings. It was absolutely the only way. There is really a dearth of good work on scapegoating. So I really appreciate your presence and immediately subscribed. You asked for feedback, and I practiced a lot of cold reading many years ago, and learned how important it is for the eyes to be focused on camera or the other person. I find it a little distracting when you're reading your material. I know it's hard to read stuff and give your eyes to the camera. Just wanted to give you the feedback that perhaps if you put your screen a little further back or just read through the material a couple times before rolling, that you'll be able to give your eyes to the camera more. I think that will help me focus on what you're saying. Probably your viewers really need to see your presence through your eyes. Not just your words. Your material is outstanding. I want to drink it in. I'm going to do your download and I look forward to absorbing more of your exceptional content regarding this very painful issue of narcissistic abuse and specifically scapegoating. Wishing you blessings and favorable algorithms, for your channel growth! 💖

[@chris-vo1nh]

This lead me to going to the gym and feeling I had to punish myself cause i never felt good enough inisde empty , the feeling never being good enough , ran miles to try and remove the feeling of emptiness feeling totally alone in a room full of people . that was constantly there , now iam so distrusting of people

[@monicahughes5952]

may you be richly blessed. thank you

[@jimmyjams1974]

Man Terry’s story has a lot of parallels with my life.

[@catherinecrow5662]

Ill be watching every Sunday

[@LisaParkesWildheart]

Thank you. That was so helpful. I will try that and sign up for your ebook. Have a good 👍🏻 week 🤗

[@Wonderwall36]

Thank you Jay, that was invaluable. A gift from Daddy. Thanks Dad.

[@taniabluebell3099]

During childhood and adulthood it was difficult to enjoy moments because I knew my mom would sabotage it. I think this might be why I enjoy taking vacations by myself: no one can ruin it for me. When I was 30 years old I flew to my hometown for my younger brother's wedding. I remember the chaos leading up to the wedding with my mom making unreasonable demands of my brother and his fiance. Even during the rehearsal dinner my mom decided to call out my brother's future sister in law for not helping enough. The morning of the wedding 20 minutes before we were supposed to leave she demanded I do her hair. Then she declared I did a bad job and recruited my golden child sister to do the hair. The next day she got into a heated argument with my brother's mother in law over the leftover food. We were trapped in the living room as my mom sobbed and we sat silently while she had her tantrum.

[@margaretwebb389]

Know all too well the carnage involved with weddings and funerals that narcs create!! Agonizing

[@SoniaProteau-cj6tk]

I m happy for my healing journey since 06/20

[@edgreen8140]

Thanks Jay.

[@mercedessanchez6844]

Absolutely I can identify!

[@tiadobi6932]

Really enjoying your teachings Jay. 💞 This balancing act. I'm watching the 7 tactics webinar a few times to incorporate the actions. Thanks for turning us on to Dr James Gordon. Already doing the shake dancing and belly breathing meditation. 🌈🌿🤗🌹🍀🍎🍰💁

[@TheQueensWish]

Wonderful exercise at the end! Thank you for the entire video and the exercise. And yes I recognize this video is two years old but it’s also timeless. Two things can be true at the same time. Two things at once!

[@randinoms6149]

This one hit home for me. Thank you, Jay!

[@mishkatzafreen3978]

Thank you. Again, that was validating.

[@dark7angel456]

Some of the feelings that were felt because of the narcissists in my life were close to suicide. It was hopeless despair depression anxiety constant irritation and unbearable anger that would just make my mind feel like it's never going to come back. They're extreme envy and contempt that was internalized into my own feelings since I am more empath was terrible

[@jeanetteeynck603]

I think ur spot on. Very powerful and helpful. TU

[@michelel5837]

a thousand thanks for the video! i would like to read your ebook about surviving the narcissistic abuse as the scapegoat, however, the download link isn't working at the moment - is there another link for the ebook? thanks again! your videos are shedding light on many experiences i've wondered about! gratzie!

[@suzannebunbury2961]

Wonderful explanation and tools. I needed this lifeline today❤️👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻