Dealing with regret for scapegoat survivors of narcissistic abuse

[@carolyngartner6865]

I am 67 years of age and have so much regret for a life not lived. For whatever time I have left, I am committed to creating the wonderful life I deserve.

[@maryroot2599]

Im 70 and feel the same.

[@francesbernard2445]

I am in the same category however after leaving my second husband a lot sooner while our children were infants in order to do so for myself and for those 2 children in some ways it only made matters worse for so long thanks to the vindictive and controlling narcissist I married the second time and so almost of my time and effort to do so has been lost and there is no way of taking a lot of those efforts further. In addition to that it is so hard to overcome the stigma of having gone through 2 divorces now when people are getting to know me better.

[@rs5570]

That’s very inspiring to me Carolyn. Thanks for posting.

[@kimberleyh1946]

I'm 67, too. deal with this every day, I cannot heal the pain that my daughters went through, my ex "apologized" to my daughters, and says he owes me an apology, but won't admit what it is he aologizes for. 🤷🏻‍♀️. not safe for adult daughters or for me, but I cannot repair the wounds. It is regret, both done & not done. I forgave years ago, when the abuser used that forgiveness to continue his abusing of all of us. This helps, thank you Jay. I'll keep tboughts open to possible healing. I don't need perfection, just need safety.

[@greg5658]

I'm 61. I know how you feel. I've put up with nasty "friends ", relatives, and immediate family members who treated me like crap, until I saw these videos on narcissism. Now I'm out of denial. Then, felt cheated out of a good life, extremely rageful, and lonely. I am determined to have a happy life. I've have already cut so many narcs out of my life. I am focusing on healing.

[@stanleydrive740]

Dear Jay, how can I thank you enough for this video? I absolutely feel all you described. I am 70 years old, hurting from a life that never got to be lived. I worked endlessly to make a life, not knowing there actually was truth to my feeling invalidation. Dear Jay, I thank you from my whole heart so very much. So grateful.

[@Hawaiiansky11]

I'm 52. For 37 years, my mind was not my own. I made poor choices, over and over again, stuck in the trauma of my past. Our lives, our choices, our minds were stolen from us. My heart is breaking, thinking of how differently my life may have been without the horrific abuse I endured. My only hope is in my Christian faith. When God calls me home, all will be known, all will be forgiven, all wounds--physical, mental, emotional, etc--will be healed. And I will be back in my beloved's arms again, who was also abused severely by a narcissistic father. He died young (at 53) due to a lifelong heart condition. I will always wonder if he would have lived even just a little longer had I been able to love him as I wanted to so desperately. Both our lives were / have been filled with pain and heartache. I have to remember, though, God kept me here for a reason. I'm working on finding my purpose. I have begun writing and hope to one day tell our story. I miss and grieve him daily, but look forward to an eternity together. God bless you and hope you find comfort in a similar faith and hope for a future.

[@jillloy3319]

@@Hawaiiansky11 I feel your pain, i see and hear you. May you be blessed with healing and love here on earth and may you be together with your loved one in eternity.

[@sirrantsalott]

Stanley, I am rooting for you and your life. It is golden from here on. I’m in my 40’s and I have intentionally dedicated a part of my life for everyone just like me. And so even though we don’t know each other and we’re decades apart, know that at least one human being is honouring your life for the rest of theirs. I am rooting for you. You deserve all the best in life. Thank you for writing this because it makes my life (and maybe others) more meaningful and that is so generous of you. Happy 2023! May you find inner peace and self love. It is beautiful here.

[@jillloy3319]

@@sirrantsalott although your message is for Stanley, it is so beautiful and so soothing for me and i'm sure for many others in pain... Thank you cause you've also helped me with this message.

[@user-vt9kd4no8j]

Same here 😢

[@barbarahunt5735]

Today I came across the quotation from Booker T. Washington and I find it an encouragement: “I have learned that success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome while trying to succeed”. 👍🏻❤

[@kathyadair8552]

Very Nice. ~ And, Accurate.* THANK YOU! A *HAPPYier NEW Year,* for All!

[@RawOlympia]

thnx!!!

[@ginarobichaux]

Thank you for sharing that quote which completely underscores my existence.

[@TurtleHillTx]

Just now pulling out! 73 years old. Narc mom is 93. Always thought I would be able to see this mess to the end. She finally went too far!! I regret that I stayed too long. Always thought that if I said the right thing and did the right thing it would wake her up and she. would change! It is NOT going to happen

[@Hawaiiansky11]

Better late than never. You are getting your life back.

[@TurtleHillTx]

Sure pray so!! I do have sweet peace. 🤗

[@gobigirl1]

I understand that "bargaining, hoping" mindset: " if I can just find the right way to speak to the difficult person, I will reach them emotionally and things will improve"-- there is both grief and relief when we see that we cannot reach certain people no matter what we do.

[@victoriasage7]

Wow, thanks for sharing…

[@mzliberty7647]

.. im sorry ... that she is .. like she is ... [i know how u feel] its not your fault, ya know. and you did deserve better. with love, from Australia ... 🕷

[@dapsolita]

The moment of self compassion you speak of, hit me spontaneously this week. I got into my car and suddenly thought "....you are precious " and burst into tears driving home from work. I know it sounds a bit pathetic. But it just bubbled up🤷‍♀️. I am so grateful for you and all the people recognizing and healing family scapegoating🙏

[@tonygoncalves2928]

What a wonderfull breakthrough !, take care you will shine on...

[@Hawaiiansky11]

It's not pathetic. It's your heart healing. I've written up a one-page mantra for myself, starting with "I am safe and good. My love is pure. My heart is true. I don't hurt people. I deserve safe and good people in my life." It is a good healing practice, IMO to repeat a self-loving mantra for yourself.

[@joannatoth5848]

I have done this before too, telling myself "I love you and God loves you because you are so kind and sweet". It is like you all of the sudden realize "Why have I not been loving and accepting to myself all of these years, why have I given so much to others who gave nothing in return but pain and why am I not loving and pampering myself instead as I am very worthy of this".

[@markartist8646]

Nice goin!

[@leahflower9924]

I can't listen to like half the songs I've always liked because the second I hear anything sentimental I'm ready to start crying it's like permanent PMS

[@CapitalK66]

My biggest regret was I had poor coping skills. In childhood I repressed everything and pretended I was fine. As my difficulties surfaced I drank and smoked pot to (not) deal. Limerance and fantasy were always in the background. Once I got sober my life changed for the better. My 17 year marriage ended but I got myself back. Oddly enough, feeling my feelings was my path back to myself. It’s been the hardest year of my life but the best.

[@Hawaiiansky11]

That's the best part of trauma recovery -- getting 'me' back.

[@Julie-ii9px]

Congratulations Krista I'm getting sober this year too. It's a deep regret that I used alcohol to cope. And limerance. We had to repress just to survive.

[@rw4754]

OOOh I hung myself up on an unrequited limerence for 40 years. 😱😭 Glad I am limerence free now. 😀🤣😂 Poor coping skills. Not feeling good enough or competent to follow thru. Allowed friends & colleagues to steal my designs & businesses. Felt foggy & on the outside looking in.

[@leahflower9924]

Same I'm ok with knowing I couldn't control everything, but I know I did things that made my life worse and I can't forgive myself

[@Julie-ii9px]

@@leahflower9924 I completely understand. We take on blame and guilt very easily. Best wishes for continuing to heal.

[@firefly4704]

I'm almost 69 years old. I tortured myself for over 50 years for not running away and staying away at the age of fifteen. Only in the past year have I quit regretting that. Unfortunately, I still grieve the life I lost. Despite many forms of therapy, and perhaps because of all the therapists who were clueless about narc abuse, I spent my life simply trying to survive. For those familiar with Maslow, that's basically the lowest ring in the ladder. I try to live day by day now and feel gratitude for finally feeling relatively free, but I don't think the grief will ever end in this life. Like losing a loved one, you can grow around it but not necessarily get "over it" this late in life

[@TheLordsbattleaxe]

I agree

[@rouxfaces]

Never too late, being alive and being awakened matters. "And once you are awake, you shall remain awake eternally"

[@Sketch_Sesh]

@@rouxfacesthat’s awesome! Never heard it put that way before

[@christineoosthuizen4388]

Being 65... And still trying to make sense about what happened ... I learned very early in my life that the only way to see my mother pleased was to glorify my younger sister... Thank you for this talk!

[@rw4754]

Your videos always hit the bullseye. 🎯 For me, my true spirit was snuffed out around the age of 4 by my mother. I adopted freeze/ fawn reaction, and became hyper vigilant to her moods. Since a teenager, I found myself getting sucked into friendships with BPD/NPD female friends who sucked me dry & disturbed me & tore me down, but I felt it was my job to soothe & heal them. My feelings didn't matter. I am 63 now & it was only 5 years ago that I woke up to this dynamic & its root.

[@lilaccilla]

Very happy for you ! yahooo. I am 68 . suffered from social anxiety . Had to leave school

[@DefenderOfHumanity]

I am so sorry you went through that and so glad you are finally figuring some things out!

[@GypsyJulie]

I had to pause your video to cry. It was so confusing being part of my family and hearing you is so validating.

[@stanleydrive740]

I so hear you. You are for sure not alone.

[@HeartFeltGesture]

What a cesspit minefield we have all walked through. Battle-scarred survivors every one of us.

[@firehorse9996]

@@HeartFeltGesture Brilliant statement!

[@leahflower9924]

@@HeartFeltGesture minefield is definitely what it was

[@deathuponusalll]

Ooof this whole thread, so true, I felt it too, the doubt then feeling the grief and pain from all this I certainly went through otherwise I wouldn’t have the same reaction you mentioned. Every video Jay drops is so validating.

[@tiptopdadddy]

Man, this really hits for me. There were so many things I never got support for, was sabotaged, discouraged and outright denied the self esteem that comes with mastery.

[@mnemetotoro]

You summed it up so well. This is what I've experienced too. It's like swimming against the current and even if being able to do something big despite of it it was attacked and sabotaged. I never learned I deserved success or feelings of pride for anything. Achievemens got associated with danger, loss and attack or just outright dismissal, "that didn't happen" or theft. It led me to just stop and to never experience the fruit of my labor. I learned that expression and growth doesn't lead to success, it leads to pain and emptiness, which of course isn't true in a sane environment. Starting all over now later in life. Learning to be supportive, patient and kind to myself in the process, something we never got where we should've. This runs deep and something that previously came automatically and with joy, now is scary and tricky to do. Practise, practise, practise.

[@taniabluebell3099]

💯

[@tiptopdadddy]

@@mnemetotoro Did you self sabotage and talk yourself out of taking on challenges? Did you rationalize shitty people because your inner parent told you that abusers “did it for your own good”? Did you watch people who were less talented/intelligent/charismatic succeed where you knew you could’ve excelled? It’s all part of the conditioning these monsters engage in to keep their targets from ever getting into a financial/emotional/self esteem status whereby they can develop the courage to confront their abuser. Thanks to people like Jay, Patrick Teahan and Crappy Childhood Fairy I’ll remember 2022 as a year of growth through honesty, humility and courage. My only regret is I wish I’d found this self esteem earlier. As a tribute to my past self I’ll make my remaining days even more impactful and hopefully help others along the way.

[@francesbernard2445]

@@mnemetotoro The most confusing part for me was when the narcissists were dismissing me while asking me why I was leaving.

[@dotsyjmaher]

I did master many things...and was MOCKED for it... being derisively referred to as "The Genius" When I won Science and French awards.."What are you going to do teach biology in France?" I was art awards.....She said during the news once...when there were horrible court sketches from a notorious case.. "Oh..look...you can do court sketches you are at least THAT good" ( they were terrible )..and laughed her evil azz off...

[@c-p1976]

I'm dealing with all of this now at age 58. Lots of regrets! It makes me sad that I never knew what narcissistic abuse is, I believe my life would be radically different today had I known and healed way back when.

[@lapislazuliphoenix]

Yep, just starting at 53😢. Sending 🤗

[@darylkik777]

Same here learned who I was at 51 now 55.

[@lesliegann2737]

About narcissistic parents discouraging their scapegoat to have a rich social life... In my case it was seemingly the opposite. I felt unable to have a good social life because of my own defects, such as being an introvert and shy. My mother thought of herself as an extrovert and being an introvert was like the worst thing a person could ever be. So my parents put me down about this during the times I didn't have friends. It confirmed I was weird and lacking as a human being. For me it was like I didn't have enough of a sense of self and confidence to even know how to have friends,. Also, there is a tendency for some children in these situations to want to hang around the home apron strings too much because although it isn't good to be around the abusers there is a need to get enough acceptance from them first, and then from there feel worthy enough to seek out people beyond the family system. To add more to this... I remember an instance in kindergarten when my mother dropped me off and I had a lengthy meltdown. I actually felt that she wasn't going to pick me up again. So in my little mind I felt I had to allow myself to be in a codependent relationship with her ( or be with her a lot) or else she'd abandon me. They purposely set you up to not have life skills anyway. Instead of helping a shy child they will make you an outcast. Later on when I was a teenager, I had a friend over and my mother got into an embarrassing comparison thing to try and make my friend feel less than compared to me. It was so strange. I realized while watching your video that my mother was jealous of my friend. She fostered codependent relationship with me, by me being her little psychiatrist or like a best friend from an early age. This required that I be a non-self.

[@tiendang7531]

Toxic parents refuse to see the child for who they really are but who they want them to be. Tiger parents create the most obedient and resentful adults 😂 who will project those onto their own children. I’m not having children. Healing is hard enough.

[@diannalamantia1702]

Whoa…”the N-parent wants the S-child to prefer the parent’s company and approval over the child’s own company and approval of themselves.” That’s a big nugget to hold on to. You’ve given voice to another missing link of knowledge that I need to really understand. This is where we lose our identities. It is the heart of the destructive dynamic that is a scapegoat’s world for so long. One more step toward healing and happiness in my life-good one, Jay! Happy New Year to All ❤

[@rs5570]

That really is huge. I always am blown away by stuff like that, too. It’s just huge.

[@jennexxer]

Yeah, that one got me too. Huge !

[@jennexxer]

@@rs5570 Hah ! I used the term 'huge' as well before seeing your comment. Crazy how that one sentence is so meaningful.

[@andreadonegan4780]

Very relevant…..for the scapegoat. My initial description was that I felt robbed. I’ve been on a 10 year journey with complex trauma. I have reached radical acceptance. I’ve mourned for my losses. I have done well in life despite the narcissists in my life. I have no contact and no interest anymore. I work full time in education and at the age of 43 I have gone back to college to a BA honours degree in psychotherapy/counselling. I would like to help others on their journey to heal.

[@mauiswift6391]

Amazing!

[@christinamcmillin9433]

Way to go!!! Any tips and tricks to share? 🤞

[@marymcfadden6631]

This helps so much. Took me until late 50s, when mom went into care facility, that I realized how much I'd danced for her all my life..out of intimidation. Then the frustration and regret set in. This video made me want to cry with relief. Thank you.

[@jennexxer]

My Dad is days from passing and still ' using ' me. When he doesn't get what he wants, he shakes his sad and says " I'll never trust you again ". Nice thing is, is he is aggressive in front of the whole dementia ward, so I can be free of blame as the scapegoat child. I have watched both N parents lose their facade and show their true selves late in life. Phew ! It's such a relief to see the truth for once !!!

[@1RPJacob]

I experience disorientation: I am not a slave anymore, I escaped "a family mental prison", so I am a free man but I don't have any skills how to live as a free man. I thought that when I heal, I would automatically make healthy decisions but the reality is, as I only learned from my family how to serve them, I don't know exactly what healthy decisions are. Every decision I make nowadays, is more less a try and error --- at least I feel like that.

[@Hawaiiansky11]

I feel a little bit like a former cult member. I feel guilty and remorseful for the decisions I made, but the reality is, my mind was not my own. I HAD to think the way they wanted me to think in order to survive (literally and psychologically). Wrongthink was punished severely. It took me 37 years, but I finally, at age 52, have my life back. there are still pains, grief, mourning, anger sadness and regret, but I am getting better all the time.

[@katehampstead6024]

This is such a good way of putting it - I escaped a family mental prison, so I am a free man, but I don't have any skills how to live as a free man. I so relate to this! I have regrets that when I left home at 17 I had no skills and ended up moving back home and felt like such a miserable loser for living at home. Your metaphor is helping me to reframe my sense of failure. I was really set up to fail, so it's no wonder things went the way they went. I've been living in "dirty pain" about this for far too long. My intention now is to have a talk with my 17 year old self about her perceived failures, and give her the larger perspective. Perhaps I can turn some of my "dirty pain - regret" into "clean pain - grief". Best wishes to all on the healing journey.

[@victoriasage7]

Don’t say that you don’t have any skills, that’s not true… you can drive right? Some people can’t and will never be able to, like my son that has autism. Change that negative self talk…

[@DN-wy3ud]

You need to learn to love, respect and care for yourself. Also learn to have compassion and patience for yourself. It's a process but well worth the effort. That way you'll learn how to treat people and you'll recognise when anyone isn't treating you right. And the self esteem you'll develop will become narcissist repellent.

[@AriseandShineSleepers]

12 step group Adult Children

[@the51project]

12:00 I went no contact about 5 years ago, at the age of 52. I remember I was 32, and my narcissistic mother and brother were, for the first time in years going to travel 40 miles to visit me at my home. I hid all the creative writing books I had on my bookshelves under my bed, as I already knew my dreams would be belittled and turned to trash. Such power parents have over our self-beliefs and self-worth in our lives.

[@thesehandsart]

It's so true. The best gift I have given myself was to consciously work to allow myself to feel my feelings. When I allowed myself to feel anger, pain, to acknowledge my abuse and suffering it allowed me to begin the process of seeing myself as WORTHY of better. I still cringe a little when I think well of myself or my accomplishments but I have a new voice in my head, my voice, that reminds me to be gentle with myself and that this is a process❤️🤗❤️

[@lovesings2us]

Very beautiful and inspiring. Thank you.

[@Thysta]

A process that still takes time from us.

[@taniabluebell3099]

I regret making decisions to please my parents. I didn’t realize how controlling and coercive my parents were, often cloaking their control with guilt. I would have temporary moments of separating myself from my family but I would always return since I didn’t want to be alone. My role as scapegoat would quickly resume and I stayed too long hoping one day things would be different. I was finally ready to go no contact two years ago once I allowed myself to become indifferent to my family. The crumbs they fed me no longer worked. In the months leading up to no contact it was comical to watch my mom and sister deploy all their tried and true tactics to reel me. They had no idea I was done and I didn’t want to tip them off I was moving. I spent years under their control and looking back the way they teamed up against me was nothing less than torture. They were skilled at gaslighting, triangulating and shaming me. I regret accepting their crumbs because I didn’t want to be alone. But I have since realized I was alone even when I was in their closed system.

[@TheLordsbattleaxe]

I understand.

[@streaming5332]

Regret not stating what I wanted, not standing up to the 'entitled' sister, brother. Not leaving it for decades to do so. Regret losing contact with people I met overseas. There was no email then, but still I could have done it. And not having confidence with boyfriends. My life could have been so different.

[@l.5832]

I realized even when I was still in school that I was getting straight As for the wrong reasons. It was because I was terrified of what would happen if I didn't. I did not fear physical retaliation, but my straight As were always ignored. I asked my mother why they were ignored and she said "Because we know you can get them". She set the bar so high that if I failed to make those straight As I would psychologically be booted from the family. She could go hours, days, or even weeks giving the silent treatment, acting as if I wasn't even there. Totally invisible. Eventually she tried to physically abandon me when I became critically ill and she complained she had 'no time to look after an invalid". I always felt my acceptance in to the family I was born into was very tentative. I regret not pursuing sports and social life more.......

[@christinamcmillin9433]

I am so sorry you were treated that way. My parents would be OVER THE MOON if I got A's... Your parents should have been... I don't even know you I think you are amazing for getting A's... especially considering you did it out of fear... You my dear are way stronger and smarter than you think, and most people are... me included. ❤ So proud of you! ❤

[@jaonmarymccormack3078]

Narcissists never ever listen. They will never be told they are wrong. I had screaming fighting matches with my mother and I ended up in the nuthouse from the sheer frustration and mental abuse of her and she just loved seeing me in the hospital fucked up. They never change no matter how much suffering they cause. Mine got off on causing her children pain. Poop on the party. Rub salt in the wound. Make them suffer Smirk her evil smile when you were so down on your luck. She could not stand to see me her scapegoat have anything and she was sadistic. I wish I had cut her out of my life years before but I didn't understand what I was dealing with. My siblings and I tried to take our lives because the abuse of her and her jealousy was unbearable. So uncaring and cruel. Neglected beyond belief. My brother actually ended his life and her response was IT DOESN'T MATTER.he hated her and she tried to murder him. Without a blink of an eye. Evil. Put on a lovely image to the outside world. A fake. Fooled everyone. Brilliant mask she put on. Venomous underneath This is the danger in these people. They have no emotional intelligence no heart no feelings for anyone but themselves. Incapable of empathy. complete disassociation. Heart of stone. All she ever cared about was herself. In the end half of her children hated her guts. These narcissists are not worth having in your life. They and the siblings don't care about anyone else when it boils down to the suffering of others. Me first is their motto. I take care of me me me me me. Get away from them and get away from narcissistic friends and be a friend to yourself and reparent yourself with kindness to yourself. Fuck your family. Sad but it's the best piece of advice I was given in this life. People reared by narcissists are very badly damaged. You can only do your own healing. Parents don't care. Siblings and friends don't understand the plight of the scapegoat. The only one who will understand is the other scapegoat of the family if the narcissist needs more. When you walk away the narcissist will find a new scapegoat within the family. I walked away from my mother for 10 year and would not have her in my home and she turned on the golden boy and used him to scapegoat. He had a total breakdown from the abuse. She was viscous and evil towards the boy she once adored. She was out to destroy him. Just like she did to me. He left her. She ended up a sad.old human with nobody and she couldn't be with anyone not even herself. All she had left was her bitterness. Walk away stay away. They are no good . Be good to yourself.

[@katehampstead6024]

Powerful testimony.

[@RawOlympia]

glad you got the hell away - I knew how dangerous mine was and still was sucked in over and over...you can intellectually know but they have weapons that bypass the brain and go for the gut - wow, they find replacements too your brother, my God. May you and he be bathed in the joy of the now and of your freedom.

[@lascosasporsunombre8991]

I remember that when I was 13 I started writing private diaries to cope with the isolation I was feeling, but my parent and my siblings kept looking forward to find my diaries and blame me for writing down my feelings, any kind of feeling. joy, sadness, creative ideas. They were so into looking up to find the diaries that I had to create my own language in code to stop them but it wasn't enough. everytime I had any of my family found something I wrote I came back home and found any of these "family member" with the diary in their hands looking at me like you keep doing this, and then came the punishment.

[@moirabijker]

I spent a lot of time in regret and then went over to stages of grief so intense it caused me to cry for hours on end leaving me completely drained and depleted. But the tears did cleanse me as I mourned a life that could have been. It was not until I saw on paper that my father (the main Narcissist, alcoholic child molester) had died, that I lost the fear of cutting off my mother (covert Narc) and sibling enablers and fellow abusers. It's been just over 2 years no contact and my fear and grief is deminishing. I accept that I cannot change the past in any way. I try to be grateful for every moment now and to live in faith that a better future awaits. I pray and meditate. I do all I can to be a good mother to my children.Thank you, Dr. Reid, for all the wisdom and insight you share.

[@lovesings2us]

Thank you for your brave, generous sharing. Happy New Year! You deserve it.

[@moirabijker]

@@lovesings2us , thank you so much. It's great to have this community of fellow travelers. 🌸💛

[@mvbigmagic4048]

I also cried a lot, trying too hard, until my grandiose naricissistic father died. Then, I realized.... they never change. And I was able to let go of my malignant narcissistic mother, and all her creepy relatives. :( I still cry, when I see loving families. My friends who have parents who show them unconditional love. It makes me jealous. But it also makes me realize I have a chance to love my children in the same way. It was my teenage son who made me realize my mother was a narcissist. He pointed out that her actions didn't match her words. :( My own son, could see what I couldn't see. Breaking curses. It's true what the Bible says, that evil disrupts the lives well into four generations. Because the lack of good parenting means that I didn't have the skills to avoid disruptive people. I'm having to learn that from scratch. At 52 years old. :) But I'm learning.... slowly. And hopefully breaking these stupid generational curses for my own kids, or at least helping them to regain the skills needed to avoid these toxic people in our lives. Even if I didn't have kids, I'd be trying my hardest to impart what I've learned to other people. So they don't need to suffer like we have. The world needs to know how to shut narcissists down. They bring so much chaos to the world. So much pain.

[@qrisstrongmountain780]

This is a powerful message, addressing the pain & regret survivors of narcissistic abuse feel later in life. Narcissistic parents want children to bow down to their every desire, and they deny their children's hopes, wishes, & dreams if it means the kids will develop self-love or the courage to defend themselves. The parents stamp out goals, in order to set up what meets their own needs, leaving the kids no option except to be puppets that are obedient to every demand. Defiance is met with physical and mental beat-downs, even if it was not intentional (the parent perceives failure to say "good morning" as disrespect, even though no one saw them enter the room). Regret is about the inability to change that screwed up dynamic in your family today, because nobody wants to listen to a scapegoat. They've all been brainwashed into thinking you have nothing valuable to say, despite a lifetime of working to improve & educate yourself. If I hadn't passively accepted being the scapegoat, maybe our lives would've been different or better.

[@artflyer8775]

Your not the only one, my hopes and dreams have constantly been destroyed, I'm 44, I've lost my health and my youth and I'm still under the thumb, mum and I fight alot. Both my parents are like that and well as my ex, so it's really hard. I don't have a car or drivers license so have to rely on those people all the time which is really sad. I feel like I will never get out of this 😢. I've nearly died a few times

[@c-p1976]

I agree.

[@qrisstrongmountain780]

@@artflyer8775 Hi! I'm 60 and I feel your pain. The inability to escape the abuse is debilitating. I hope to connect with people like myself so I can build hope, but my local group is on FB & I don't trust social media anymore. Just know that I care and understand what you're going through. Don't give up! Read Jeremiah 29:11. There IS a hope and future for you!

[@artflyer8775]

@@qrisstrongmountain780 thank you I needed that

[@artflyer8775]

I mean that in the positive sense, I really did need so encouragement

[@forensicbadassprofiling]

I just turned 57, and for 52 years I lived a life of Demands from other peoples blurred expectations of me. What I wore, what I said, what I decided, what I did for a living, the way I drove, the way I maintained my household, what friends to not have, how I wasn't allowed to feel think do 4me without their redundant criticism, exploiting my boundaries needs me.....everything. The regret of being Dictated by dictators for 5 decades. I'm living the first four and a half years of my life navigating my own life. Lost in job skills. Technology. N clearly a quarantine that showed me just how unhealthy society was around me. I found that every little bit of Shame and fault and blame these people inflicted on me, are actually their weaknesses, have absolutely nothing to do with me, and completely go against every strength that I have as myself that they forced me to question. My regret is not learning about this information sooner. My regret is that running around in the Psychiatry and psychology industry for 15 years didn't have qualified Healthcare professionals to diagnose what was happening to me. My regret is staying w these bio fam n spouse n their families, instead of staying far away from these people and closing the door on them forever. Thank you for a wonderful 2022 Dr Jay. Wishing you and your loved ones a happy healthy and favorable 2023!

[@RawOlympia]

We are so caught in the moment of survival it is an outrage when we see we were dancing dolls for bullies, so glad you are out NOW.

[@AJ22-80]

Jay, this is a big one. I often can't help but think that if I had been "curated" instead of abused so severely, how extraordinarily different I would have lived my life. I regret deeply how things went. And you saying, "Regret should only occur if a different course of action could have happened," tells me I can stop blaming myself and get on with making the duration of my life the best I can. Thank you 😊

[@andreadonegan4780]

There you go exactly! Don’t let them waste anymore of your years.

[@rw4754]

I am 63. Regret yes. I am also glad as painful as it is, that I did wake up & understand the true aspect of my life. Most people do not, & they go to their graves with the same baggage they carried their whole life. We should be proud of ourselves now. 🤗

[@AJ22-80]

@@rw4754 Yes! For however long we have left, it's our time now 😊

[@rw4754]

@@AJ22-80 And Happy New Life & New Year to you. 🥰🤗🎊🎉

[@victoriasage7]

This quote got me also… a really good one ☝️

[@MickeyDs-mp7yr]

I have ZERO regrets about how I endured / survived my abuse. I was abused from birth, for decades - my little self just did his best to hang in there.

[@jennyg6122]

I'm Glad I chose me. I got rid of everybody. Grand parents (narc leaders), brother (golden child), my parents ( narc mother), and oncle (narc too) and aunt. Like heck, I scapegoated three times, age 18, next 27 and now 29. It was all about them and now it's all gonna be about me and my healing process ouhouuuu 🎉🎉🎉

[@firehorse9996]

Goal for 2023: No Contact with the whole pack of wolves in my NPD family of origin. My very wealthy dad wrote a letter to everyone a few years ago outlining his financial plan to give money every year to all the children but several years later, he has failed to honour this commitment ONLY for me, the scapegoat survivor. He sent me an email the DAY AFTER CHRISTMAS saying he was only giving gifts to grandchildren. Me, a woman, never had children because I had to work like Cinderella just to survive. The upside: I moved to Paris, France for my career and have remained in France away from the toxicity. At this point I'm just disgusted with my fawning brother and sister who enabled the malignant NPD to continue his never-ending punishment of me. I want to write back to my dad but thus far, have said nothing. Any suggestions? Thank you community and wishing you all the best for the New Year ;-)

[@Englandforever555]

Don't write back, have no contact, you owe them nothing. You are free, stay free and happy. They no longer exist to you, they are no longer your concern, they have not earned your worry, love or compassion. Stay free, no contact ever. ❤❤❤

[@rachelmaxwell5953]

Good for you!!! I don't think you should send a letter, perhaps the more familiar you get with this subject matter the more you'll come to realise that it will not achieve anything. You're not dealing with decent reasonable people. Perhaps you could write an uncensored letter and burn it, my homeopath has told me to do this recently, I'm just waiting for the right time to do this. Very best wishes to you and everyone else here!!! 💕

[@jaonmarymccormack3078]

Forget about the siblings. They are trapped and controlled by the narcissistic parent. They may never get free and they will go along with the abuse of you more and more as they stay connected to the parents. The whole family is run and driven by fear.mainly fear of abandonment. You already have been abandoned so embrace your freedom. Make your own life away from them. It's amazing how powerful you will feel by being authentic and living your own life cut off from them. Iv broken complete contact with most of my siblings and I kept away from my narcissistic mother for a decade before she died so I could have better mental health and much more peace and happiness. It takes a while to get used to no contact with family. But so what people get used to hearing the truth about you not liking them and you making decisions that are better for you. Remember you are responsible for your own wellbeing. Life is short and don't let people rob your precious time Spending it in regret over their horrible actions towards you. I went no contact with 3 of my family and very low contact with the rest of them. You don't owe people anything if you have lived a decent life and done your family no harm. We harm ourselves by staying in relationships with toxic people and we hate ourselves for it. It doesn't do you any good to give that sicko parent power over u. No contact usually is something you will do only when you just can't take the abuse anymore. People don't change. I learned that the hard way. Only if people have a religious experience or a mental breakdown do they question themselves. And even with that they seldom change. They go right back to being toxic narcissists when they get over it. Get free. Go no contact. Do things that make you happy and bring you joy. Take care

[@sirrantsalott]

You can do it. It is going to be lonely but remember you’re not alone and you have us and a lot of resources around you. You got this!!! I am excited for you!!!

[@taniabluebell3099]

An email a day after Christmas is deliberate. He wants you to know you are an afterthought. Ignore him. They hate being ignored. Side note. I remember a story someone submitted to Ollie’s channel who moved to Paris for a career in journalism. The story always stuck with me. Was it your dad that forced you to rake the leaves after school. I remember him and your stepmom visited Paris because your stepbrother had connections to a five star hotel and hooked them up. When they arrived in Paris they treated you like an afterthought despite you making an effort to see them. Same thing with your sister. She came to London with her husband and was dismissive of you making you chase her down in London. She was not considerate and only bought theater tickets for her and her husband. I remember she refused to answer her phone. Your family don’t deserve a response from you. You put physical distance from them by moving but they are still dishing out crumbs as a form of control. Take care and Happy New Year!

[@janettemartin4604]

I had a MAJOR breakthrough re-watching a video you did on "Dissociation",,, "Mending the Split". I watched it MANY TIMES and just felt LIFTED and validated and FREE! I know I will think myself back into despair and loss as soon as I am TRIGGERED by a bully but to FEEL that at that time, was ABSOLUTE BLISS!

[@z1z2z3z]

It is difficult but I've had a lot of success dealing with triggers by working on my self-talk! So when you start to think yourself into despair, as many of us have, try combating those thoughts with positive encouragement. Such as, You are so strong! You can do it! You don't have to feel bad! You are allowed to feel good! You are brave! It takes a lot to think for yourself! You can grow from this experience! Best of luck and have a happy new year!!

[@HeartFeltGesture]

T o feel it once, is the beginning of feeling it more and more until.....CLICK. May that click happen soon for all of us.

[@janettemartin4604]

@@HeartFeltGesture this guy is spot on. SO is Patrick Teahan. I have done this research for YEARS. It takes a while to click but there are so many facets to all of it! I believe it is HIGHLY complicated and that we will never "get over it" until we pick it apart! That is the case for me! the FEAR is VERY REAL! Good luck!

[@lovesings2us]

Wow, Jay - You took a big weight off my shoulders! Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Also, I really appreciate hearing from the commenters. I"m amazed to not feel so alone anymore with the regret issue which, being tied to shame, is not easy for me to talk about. It's great to feel connected with others who are on a similar healing path.

[@imsunnybaby]

absolute violation of trust and the guardian relationship that is supposed to be nurturing

[@markartist8646]

"Thwart the enjoyment of their own abilities." My regret also revolves around having missed the opportunity to live up to my full potential through my entire adult life away from the narcissist, financially and relationally. Before I came to understand narcissism, I chose partners who were narcissistic. I failed to do things because I believed I was defective. That was a waste of valuable time...for years! When I did things that were contrary to the family value system (making lots of money-ugh) becoming an artist and following that path, I got almost zero appreciation for my accomplishments. However, I am only 65 and in great physical condition. I can start and live another career and take this knowledge to heart . That helps me feel like I can redeem the time. Thank you for your videos! They are truly liberating. I like that you don't get involved in the comment section at all.

[@DN-wy3ud]

That kind of attitude will get you far in life 💪

[@RawOlympia]

People get upset about those rich parents who paid to have their kids get into good schools, but my father literally called my college, which I applied, got into, was doing fine in, and told them they needed to get me out, that they did not realize I was not smart enough for college! ~ there are so many stories of deep invalidation, and my dad was a new age minister who's job was to tell people they had no limits, could do anything ... so that really messed with my head. Thank you and all the insightful commenters who have gone through immeasurable suffering and who find themselves here, in search of healing. May you find joy!

[@sinesolesoleo5474]

Thank you so much. My biggest regret is that I stopped working on my recovery process after the first therapy 30 years ago. I somehow thought it was best to stop thinking about my childhood which - unfortunately - my therapist thought too would be the best thing to do. He didn't know about all these topics and so I thought I was responsible for somehow repairing the relationship to my parents. Twenty horrible years later I collapsed, got fired, started another therapy, went no contact and now - with your help - I understand this scapegoat topic. This video will help me get over the regret somehow, I hope. Thanks again. I hope every therapist around the world will understand all this asap.

[@autumnpendergast9151]

Thanks. Going through this now. I carried all their burdens for nearly 50 years. Blaming myself for taking up the mantle at 6 and again at 11 when I was dragged into a second narcissistic family dynamic. I was a little girl and I was tricked by so many people. Forgiving myself is so difficult. That little girl had no protection from the wolves so she did what she had to to survive, but that became a lifelong contract that only this week I am finally breaking, even though I have known and seen what happened to me for a decade. The shame I carried was not my own, it was theirs. I never deserved this but I am so angry that I agreed to it because a little girl just wanted to be loved. Feeling really jaded atm. Not many cover this topic, so thankyou for addressing it.

[@sylwiapro2791]

I think most of us regret what happened when we were already in charge of our decisions, at least officially, ie as adults. It's easier to absolve oneself of "blame" of how we acted during childhood because we understand we had no agency. But it's harder when the opportunities lost, the trauma caused etc is a result of manipulative friendships, narcissistic relationships, not to mention systemic societal abuse in some cases. This is much harder as in theory we could have done differently. I even remember trying actually to free myself of a toxic friendship and feeling happy I kind of got to do it, but she found her way back through pity, talks of loyalty etc, and then sabotaged my social life and studies for the next few years. I went completely against myself and wonder what could have been if I had actually followed my passion to learn and not cut corners because she felt threatened and jealous. That literally affected my whole life - how I do things, how I feel about myself internally, socially and professionally. But I didn't know any better, I guess, I felt sorry for her because I knew myself how it felt to be excluded and didn't want to "betray" her, I lacked assertiveness, and I certainly didn't know about narcissism.

[@touchedbyfire99]

My mother beat myself out of me as a small child and I have always been terrified of her displeasure. I finally reclaimed my voice at age 62 and stopped putting up with her bullshit. She doesn’t like having to hear the truth about herself and so cut me out of her life. Never been happier in all my life. I regret I did not find my voice sooner and stopped putting up with her bull many decades ago. I never needed her to live the past 45 years. I had people who would have taken me in as a teenager but I couldn’t see it at the time. Wish I had chosen myself and my own needs and not been fearful of her. She truly is the wizard behind the curtain - nothing but an illusion of power and control.

[@EdelweisSusie]

My father stole my entire childhood through his Narcissism BUT I got through by saying to myself (once I’d left home): “My life starts NOW”. It took years BUT the best thing is to taunt the Narcissist when you’re better ie doing what they wouldn’t let you do; saying what they wouldn’t let you say; go to where they wouldn’t let you go etc. I had great fun spending lots of money on things he frowned upon, and watching their impotent anger!!!

[@cosmopolitan794]

Jay, thank you so much! There is one kind of regret I'd love to hear more about: regret over immoral or just rude behavior due in part to very poor role modelling from our family of origin. I feel like only now, in late middle age, can I say that I'm a good person. There are so many memories of times when I wasn't that -- they haunt me.

[@DN-wy3ud]

I regret that my life was spent crying and feeling horrible pain inside,not knowing how to love myself or my worth thereby allowing other people to abuse me. I regret that I never got to live, to be young and carefree with naive optimism. I spent my whole life wishing I was dead, resenting each morning I woke up. Living with horrific depression and anxiety. Feeling utterly alone. My life has been such a waste of time I hope heaven is all it's cracked up to be😒

[@AvengerCrazy]

I am grateful to KZbin that we have an open discussion on this topic, which main stream society don't even recognize.

[@aaronpa2234]

My regret is my substance use. I don't regret it as much now, it's more grief. Which is definitely better. I used substances to cope.

[@starrseed2687]

Wow I have been feeling exactly this way I’m in my 50s and I’ve accomplished so much -I wonder how high I could have flown had I not been so emotionally crippled by the abuse from my family

[@neptunesdreams]

I've been seeing my younger self (right up to my 50s/60s when I found out about narc abuse), as my inner child. That way, it's easier to forgive myself for any bad choices I made back then. I am starting to be her mentor, understanding her, forgiving her, and supporting her. Jay and other healers were, and still are, helping me to do that. Thanks so much Jay.

[@DEAN_23]

It took finally listening to my own voice, instead of listening to the voice of others, to finally pursue my own pursuits, and now I feel that I have finally found my wings. I'm 40 now, I still do wonder if I left it too late in the day - there's only one way to find out....

[@mercyme8014]

There’s a saying about the best time to plant a fruit bearing tree…twenty years ago…and TODAY. Best to you.😊

[@joannatoth5848]

This is true! I do feel enormous regret for not standing up and walking away and staying away from my narcissistic parents and siblings 40 years ago!! If I had my life would be so different and much happier for my spouses and children!! Instead I was the scapegoat and still am, my five siblings either moved across country or live close by but ignore my parents and their responsibilities to them and instead try to dump all on me while insisting stay by my 90 year old parents and their spouses and help them daily!! I am twice widowed, they got in between both relationships and kept me from having my two other children, they also tried to destroy my relationship with my one son who is living too. If I try to stand up for myself they gang up and mob me and try to make me look crazy or like am out of control rebel, this has gone on my entire life!! All do they could dominate, control and use me! They ended every friendship I had by also getting involved in those. I definitely regret not standing up and walking away as my life, my spouses lives and most of all my children’s lives would have been so different and so much happier!! They are all selfish, users and takers and abusive. They also set my son up and made sure he married a girl who acts just like them and whom they like and can control and of course turn against me too!! They tried to set me up too so they could control me in the same way but I did not fall for it, so instead they just broke my relationships up!! I am 58 yrs old now and have never been happy except when living away one time and after having my son, nor has my son due to them and I feel like I just want to get away from them all but also feel like it is too late, my life is almost over in a sense. They all made sure they got everything they wanted in their lives at the cost of me and my family and our lives and happiness, me, my spouses and children ended up with nothing! I find I end up working with the same kind of people and wanting away from them for the same reason!! Users and takers, all of them!! I am tired of being used, abused, taken advantage of and being miserable and most of all tired of my son experiencing the same! We deserve the best yet have endured and experienced the worst!

[@carolyngartner6865]

Oh Joanna I know where you are coming from. I also wish I had gotten away from my narcissistic family of origin decades ago. Listen, I am 9 years older than you, and I worry that it is too late for me too. But I have made a commitment to myself to make however much time I have left I will create the best life possible for myself.

[@joannatoth5848]

@@carolyngartner6865 I will too when I can get away from it all. They have set it up where I have no money to leave and each time, I meet someone they get in the middle of us and cause problems. My dad even causes problems with my jobs, especially if I move to work elsewhere away from them. He is mental issues, got really unstable when my mother left him years ago and he is abusive to me now like he was her. He needs to be in counseling, the whole family does. I went years ago after my exes died and did a lot of research about all, still do, but they refuse to get any help for themselves. They don't think they have a problem; it is always me in their eyes or others in this world. My father has sat in his house every day of his life in front of his TV and computer and he retired early at 50 years old, due to downsizing. He is going to be 90 this January, so that is forty years, and he has claimed he is going to be dying soon to manipulate and guilt me into coming out to his house weekly, he just treats me like dirt. He did it again tonight. I baked him ten dozen cookies and candies and helped my stepmother do everyone's dishes that had been there and left before I got there, my siblings and their wives and kids, bought him and my stepmother each two magazine subscriptions they love for Christmas and he did not even say thank you and was so hateful ignoring me the entire time I was there and being a smart mouth, this after he insisted I come out and my stepmother just sits there and acts like it is normal. I am at their house weekly checking on them and helping them, so it is not like they never see me, it is a control thing. I told them I had a call and left, then emailed her when I got home and told her I will not be coming out to see them anymore and will not put up with dad's abuse, and that no one has a right to try to tell me what to do or run my life at 58 years old and have not for over 40 years! Then I blocked their number. My brother who lives down the road and my stepmother are after his land and assets and want me gone, they are the executors after I turned it down, or they at least want for him to be angry with me and not leave me anything. Greedy. they both have more than they need and always have, and I have little. Yet I have worked two jobs, put myself through two degrees with no help, am paying all my loans off, raised my son alone, took care of both of my ex-husbands until they died, taken care of all of my parents and stepparents, four of them in the '80-the the '90s and work 60 hrs. a week with my commute, on top of taking care of my rental house alone, and he constantly tries to make me seem as if I am lazy like I have never worked and as if he has worked harder than anyone, he is so hateful and meanspirited. He also drank years ago and sure he still does; he has a very bad temper. None of my siblings want to be around him either, so they try to make me deal with him, but it is making me miserable to even talk to him anymore. He also plays the "poor me scenario" with my son and others to manipulate them and act like a victim, when the opposite is true. He is very manipulative. My mother said his mother spoiled him rotten. And it is not his age, because he does it only to me and my oldest brother who has not spoken with or seen him in thirty or more years due to how he is. His moods are up and down constantly, and he can turn his anger on and off quickly depending on who is around. He is NOT right.

[@cheslinscheepers2547]

Very true I didn't realise how badly I was actually affected by my narcissistic parent. I have to forgive myself for things I done to cope that were not good for my life.

[@こなた-m1o]

same here…

[@Tuxedo913]

Wow this was SO helpful. Particularly "working to keep the np's worth propped up, while the child receives very little emotional nourishment from that parent" I'm 30 and have just started to put myself and my needs above that of my abusive parents, and it is so so so hard. But that point really hit home. I stuff my feelings of being uncared for and unloved by my parents, but forced myself to show up to holidays with a smile because that was the most "parenting" I ever get.

[@AriseandShineSleepers]

I’m 40, but at 30 I was told by a therapist about narcissists in my family. I was in denial. 10 years later my life is not better. Work hard to achieve your dreams. Otherwise you waste life. I would love to go back even just 10 years and start living

[@TheLordsbattleaxe]

@@AriseandShineSleepers I understand.

[@こなた-m1o]

omg i could’ve written this…. same age and everything

[@bbgunn917]

I'll never get over my NPD mother coming to NY from England at a time when the narc man I was living with (her replacement) was treating me like utter trash - he'd left the house as he regularly did until I came grovelling and apologising for my "behaviour". As mother was going home, I desperately asked her what I should do and she said 'you're a very lucky girl' (because the guy was rich). She was gleeful at seeing me suffering - the evil smirk still chills me 20 years later. I am in grief and regret for my lost life, all the opportunities and potential to develop. I'm working a lot to develop my character and 'bring myself up' (reparent) but life has passed and now it's a matter of finding grace.

[@rascallyrabbit]

I am discovering that I lied as a form of fawning to survive. my lies created a false self. i consciously dont lie now. telling my truth is often frightening. but, i do it afraid knowing there are many people struggling to do the same thing.

[@mysticsuzi]

Thank you for promoting self compassion rather than pushing for us to make amends and try to go back into the system.

[@imsunnybaby]

10:15 and ohh my gosh i DARED try to go to a club meeting once after school and i had my parent calling every single person in my phone (she had me hand my phone over and surrender all the contacts of course) is totally black labelled me to my friends and i was too ashamed and scared to dare try to hang out with anybody. there was no asking because she would say no, or hold it over me and make me late by making me do million chores all the while berating and being verbally abusive, reducing me to an adrenalized possibly crying mess so then i get to "go to the sleep over" like that. only happened once never again. every single time i would try to go "be with friends" in a normal type way. totally sapped away any friendships i tried to have in childhood. i eventually just escaped and wandered the neighborhood walking wandering all the time just to be anywhere but inside the house. and my mom would be calling all over kingdom come. just escape. she would hold that over me and accuse me of how i was such a "bad kid" "always trying to escape" extremely grim to look back and write it out plainly.

[@RawOlympia]

horrific, what a tyrant!

[@barbann5091]

This is so much on target. I sure do have regrets. I regret not running away. I once was going to run away but my golden child adoptive sister told on me so it never happened. Too bad. Maybe somebody would have helped me, however I blamed myself so much I could never tell anybody what was going on.

[@こなた-m1o]

same ):

[@rachelmaxwell5953]

Certainly regret being so malleable, I wish I had fought back, found my way around things to experience more fun and connection outside the home. However, I do realise that I was doing the absolute best I could (I didn't have a safe other to support me at any point in my childhood, I simply didn't see 'options'.) Another outstanding video Jay, the bit that really chimed that I'd not appreciated before is the point about taking the blame when it's not our fault. I remember doing this at school when falsely accused, I never protested, I just took it, now I understand why! 🙏

[@joannatoth5848]

And the same happens at work when we grow up, the same kind of dysfunctional abusive people seem to surround us, or at least they have me. Not sure why though or how to prevent it, as I did not choose the people I have worked with, but they all seem to be so much like my dysfunctional family.

[@rachelmaxwell5953]

@@joannatoth5848 it’s stuck energies in your energy field, including crappy erroneous beliefs, your reality mirrors back stuff that needs cleaning up because it’s not you. Google energy psychology and eliminating beliefs to get started on the inner journey of cleaning up. Best wishes to you!! 💕

[@Daysleeper1000]

Thank you 🙏 I needed THIS! I'm 60, raised by cruel, borderline mother and grandiose narc father. Thank you.

[@dotsyjmaher]

WOW....I have been living with this GRIEF for 30 years...which was when I FINALLY walked away. So glad I was able to get away from them...but REALLY shocked I was SO damaged by that time I was essentially my mother's and sisters' late term abortion... and STILL feel that way..

[@RawOlympia]

I hope you feel better, understood. May wonderful things happen to you and for you.

[@Andrea-lp4bb]

My biggest regret is that I broke NC a year ago. My ex husband had walked out leaving me with my teenage daughter. Narcissistic mother & enabling father agreed to have a relationship with me as long as I agreed it was me who destroyed the marriage and not my ex husband (he is volatile, unfaithful, compulsive liar and has a severe addiction). A few months in my parents kicked me out of the family, told my daughter she is welcome and I’m not. Formed a tight relationship with my ex husband, & fully included my daughter in extended family events. My daughter has now cut me off as well. For those of you considering breaking NC…. Don’t ever do it. I ignored the advice & now can’t see a way out of this mess.

[@janettemartin4604]

This is so sad. You are left on the curb, so to say. BUT now your daughter is also an abuser. You have to come to grip with that as well. I HAD TO! That will be ANOTHER deep rabbit hole for you to chase her down! MORE RADICAL ACCEPTANCE!

[@Andrea-lp4bb]

Thank you Janette. And thank you for sharing your own struggle too. What was the outcome in your situation? Did you manage to reconcile with your child? Or were they lost to the Narcissistic cult indefinitely? Yes you are right…. My daughter has become an abuser as well. I don’t think the revenge of a Narcissistic mother ever goes away

[@RawOlympia]

Oh that is the worst, your child was brainwashed into the cult of your ex - we hope she sees the light soon and that you can heal from this extreme torment. Many blessings, she just may show up on your doorstep in great need and you will be strong for her, and non toxic.

[@pennyp7382]

I'm sad my Mother will pass very soon....but. and here is the "but"...I will feel relief she can't just brow beat me for being alive. MyMom has 2 golden children and me. 😢

[@AlisongsLA]

This video is such a gift. I'm sure there are many others out there, like me, who gave up all of their dreams in an effort to please our Narcissistic parent. I'm so grateful to have learned about all of this, ten years ago, and can honestly say it's all behind me, now. No regrets other than some of the decisions I made and the relationships I had with friends, family and lovers that were a complete waste of time. But, once you see and understand all of this, it's much easier to forgive yourself for those bad decisions and feel confident that the future is very bright!

[@artflyer8775]

Yeah your not the only one, I understand what your saying

[@KESJEDWJ]

So much healing and finally some answers for my own life. What a positive usage of the internet that I haven't seen in a long time. I wouldn't doubt our society has the most narcissists in the world.

[@meiw8358]

Thank you so much for this teaching. I am the youngest daughter of three in my mother’s family, my mother is the covert narcissist, her second child who is 8 year older than me, she is the malignant narcissist and the golden child, who beaten me up since childhood till adulthood, and did so many evil things to me , I am the scapegoat, and my father was the codependent, do what ever my mother told including beating me with his belt, when I did not do anything wrong and I was my mother’s maid slave. I have been abused, neglected, and raised myself. I got beaten by the older sister since child and my mother did not even bothered. I was so sad that I have been used by my mother as a child slave, she got temper tantrum , I , was only 8 to 13 , a child I have to comfort her asked her if anything could calm her down, asked if I did anything wrong cost her angry as I was a such submissive, complying all the unfairness treatments in this household. I did not know where to turn. Thank you for this film and I am learning every day from this channel.

[@Angaloth19]

What perfect timing of this video! My New Years resolution is to try to take back my potential.

[@jimmyjams1974]

Man Jay you have described how I have felt after seeing how my family of origin treats me and my wife and son. It has been such a grieving process for myself and what I have lost

[@orahzamir3562]

Thank you for your work. I regret that I did what my mother told me to do when she told me she and my voice teacher thought I should smoke cigarettes - truth, no joke. She did not want me to sing. Cigarettes ruined my voice. I sang anyway but my ability was diminished and my life was damaged. I regret that I was 31 before I said no to my mother's verbal abuses. I went to graduate school. She told me I did not have the right to be a student at my age - I was behind due to the circumstances. I regret that I did not tell her how I felt when she told me I caused her to get cancer. I had left home and pursued my own life. I do not regret that I refused to give up my life and go home to be her caretaker in her final years. I felt guilty about it, but I do not regret it. I just turned 80. I had an experience the other day where one of my parts told me I was born to be a scapegoat and I need to accept that. I think I always believed that no matter how my life changed. My trauma symptoms always came up once in awhile, but I had no idea what it was until 10 years ago. Trauma never came up in therapy or the 12-step programs I have been in.

[@annewoods3528]

For so many of narc scapegoat survivors, the vicious circle of victimization and invalidation keeps us swirling in the vortex of destruction. Jay's channel is like a tree branch that we can hold onto and beginning to escape from the powerful grip of the tornado. The information helps me make sense of how the narc pathology affected me. With that information, self-compassion is easier. Establishing safe relationships needs the 2 previous steps. Jay's videos and people on this channel is the portal to exit the destructive force.

[@sarahmcnicol.lifecoach]

Thank you! I’m 57 and finally learned about narcissistic abuse last year. Attending a beautiful loving wedding yesterday evoked much grief in me for experiences I didn’t have in childhood and for the legacy of narcissistic abuse, especially in my intimate relationships. Now I have removed myself from all the toxic relationships and healing is slow and steady. It’s sometimes still a shock to realise this is the reality of my life to this point. I thought the problem was me for so long. The up side is I worked very hard to overcome my “inadequacies” and have the skills and strengths to show for it 😄

[@denineful]

I regret believing them for so long which set up to putting up with and attracting others who treated me the same way. Set me up for continuously trying to be enough instead of expecting more from others

[@こなた-m1o]

exactly this.

[@Songe467]

It was in realising that my dad and my childhood really was actually that bad and everything I did until I broke out of the mental conditioning was a survival tactic, that I was overwhelmed with relief as a massive burden was lifted from me. My life turned into a great, big choatic mess and yes my actions caused that to happen but those actions were driven by abuse done to me as a child by my parents and were in truth a reflection of their lack of care, attention and affection which caused me to a) not take care of myself properly, be self destructive and put myself into risky and dangerous situations and B) be destructive towards other people and relationships. It was only in understanding the level of betrayal of my parents and my abandonment issues that I understood why I struggled so much with trust and letting people in and shut down the people who perhaps could have helped, supported and become true friends.

[@こなた-m1o]

yes!!!! yes to everything here!!! except it was my mom.

[@3nrika]

Thank you for the comment you made explaining our species wouldn't have come this far if parental narcissistic abuse was intrinsic to humanity. I see people trying to excuse themselves all the time indirectly by claiming people have been this way since time immemorial. Some people, I would say, and buried in the past due to natural selection, or simply in the process of digging their own grave at present time.

[@kathyadair8552]

Unfortunately, they "Breed" More Aggressively! Sounds good in Theory. But, they Try* to Give others their FLEA'$!!! (They "Cast Off".) To promulgate their kind. Their *"Cult's"* divide, replicate and Mutate* the (R) DAMAGED! I may have been "Colonized" ... (Yes. → It's a *Contageous* Disease/ Virus, if you will; of "instinctual," PARA$ITIC* Predator'$!) But, I'll NEVER Think, like they Do!! ABOUT 483,000K of the 🧩 Pc.s are Back, in Place! "500K, 550? or, - 666,000K?? .. I d/k, yet? Excellent video! Thank you, so much, Jay! 💕 💪 🇺🇲 ⚖️ A Classic, ECHO Codependent. SLP kid; (at 70 ... going on 79.) A "HAPPYier NEW Year," to ALL!

[@MaybejustNarbe]

It absolutely amazes me how you point out every literal aspect of being a scapegoat. This amazes me

[@CarolMcCooke]

Just don’t wait too long to pull out of a narcissistic relationship thinking you can change them. I put up and shut up for too long with parents, after my father died I felt the full blown abusive behaviour from mother, I finally stopped seeing her for the last five years of her life best thing I ever did. Their deaths were more relief than grief. I am 76 and my husband passed away 7 weeks ago he was my rock after 56 years, I am so much stronger and capable coping thanks to understanding these lectures about this dreadful dis-ease narcissism and passive aggression. Many many thanks Carol

[@ambrosia1083]

I am a scapegoat survivor of narcissistic abuse from my family of origin. I have allowed this cycle of abuse to continue with my daughter. But knowledge is power no more will I shrink myself to allow others to dominate and decide my life choices.

[@annabelle1471]

another issue: being frozen or unsure in decision making - that can cause regrets. some major regrets. but remembering that we can’t go back and we just need to go forward is probably the best way to look at it.

[@susiemorris8301]

I also regent marrying-essentially-the exact some narcissistic scapegoating person as my father. UGH! As if it was not bad enough for the first 16 years of my life, I repeated the damn existence in my marriage of 20 years. I regret investing so much of my essence in a man that would NEVER love me back in a healthy and respectful way. So much wasted time that I should have invested in myself.

[@annastone5624]

You’re amazing. I love the clarity with which you describe all these areas of pain. Thank you so much. ‘First understand what happened’

[@beedaffy]

Dear Dr. Reid, What an utterly beautiful community of support, meaning, and acceptance you have created here! I am just one of those who cannot begin to thank you enough. I am nearly 58, and just starting realize the magnitude of loss from the years I was robbed of. I, too, am adamant about honoring all of my virtual (and actual) fellow family member survivors of narc abuse (including my 60 year-old cousin, who succumbed to it). This is indeed a beautiful and peaceful space to shine and to thrive!

[@lilaccilla]

I was bullied and slandered daily by siblings and a parent . I naturally then spent most of my time away from our house (where I felt attacked and bullied. ) That was my way of proving to myself that I was ok . most of my friends loved me and I loved them . I was a very happy child outside the family . The physical separation from abuse was my only alternative for survival . It worked very well until we moved and I reached my teen years . I began talking back in the realization that I should be treated just as well as my siblings . I got angry about the double standards . the favouritism of other siblings . The inability to be taken as seriously in my needs .My needs were the same as anyone else's.

[@privateprivate8366]

This is horribly difficult to get past. Because, it is a murder of sorts, when a parent, for example, has gotten away with wasting most of your life. Time you will never get back. My mother told me she’d always just used me, when I was about 53. She died earlier this year. Glad she’s gone and all of the invalidating people I’ve spoken to, can die along with her, as far as I’m concerned. It isn’t always that they don’t believe you either. It’s that they do and still feel that she’s your mother and was entitled to do with your life, as she pleased. That the standard is that, when you have a parent, your life is thereby worth less. I think you mentioned there being a system of narcissism. First I’ve heard of this, after I’ve mentioned it everywhere. Because our social systems have narcissism as it’s own system, within that. It’s why so many are walking around, with such a strong belief in the normalcy of narcissism. A lot of people might feel that it is more a part of less advanced cultures. But it is alive and thriving, right here in the US.

[@RawOlympia]

It is! I had a wonderful teacher once who remarked upon a creep teacher at our school who got away with everything bad, that his narcissism ran the place. The goal of everyone else was to walk on eggshells.

[@CharlesRichards-e3o]

In this context, the punishment of being "grounded" serves both diminishing the child's self-worth and isolating them.

[@marystafford5838]

Thank you so much for this video. I am 71 and have experienced childhood trauma in my family of origin . I particularly identified with your comments on “good pain”and “dirty pain” and accepting and going through the pain and sadness is so necessary in recovery. Currently I am helping a courageous 15 year old who was able to get out from a toxic narcissistic environment, to begin to begin to lead a more healthy life and to start believing in himself. I value the help and advice I receive about scapegoated children from your videos and books and I am certain that these will be of great benefit to my grandson in his future.

[@Thysta]

About the invalidation. At one Christmas with the extended family, an uncle of me saw me and immediately said "I hear bad things about you, boy.". Bad thing was you know what? That I have left a college which I never ever wanted to attend. It was the same college my father went to, who never ever achieved an ounce of success in that profession. Wanted me to become what he wanted to be but never was.

[@onewomancircus]

Thank you so much Jay. Really appreciate all your content and your dedication to all of us in recovery🙏

[@jennexxer]

Thankyou for sooo much information in one place. I find myself stopping the video to digest all the info from time to time. 😊

[@Bronte866]

A lot of important info here that I needed to hear very, very much. I think this business of feeling grief, regret and anger over what they took from me may be too much to overcome. And I def feel disappointed that I kept letting them do it because they broke me so thoroughly I didn’t have strength enough to stop it. Had I fully understood the consequences of not getting away sooner I may’ve been able to summon the will. I got advice at 17 from a therapist at my university health service to get out and away and never communicate with them again. This was the best advice I ever received in my life and I was too scared of my father to take it. I hope others might see my comment and summon the strength to go no contact. They will never age out of abusing you.

[@EarInn]

Yes! On top of everything else, I blamed myself for not understanding the situation and getting out of it quicker, for not being able to surmount it as a child. And I continued to blame myself for that the more I understood. Self-blame becomes reflexive. You think you're just looking at reality, but no, you're failing to empathize with yourself. Jay, thank you for saying what needs to be said.

[@Angaloth19]

My personal regret is that my childhood was stolen from me, and I never had the courage to call CPS or 911 when me and my siblings were being abused

[@lapislazuliphoenix]

Got away from step-dad, year and 1/2 in foster care, then lived with mother who turned out to be a huge narc for 10 hellish years! I always just thought there would be nowhere to go and parents are just mean I guess. Being an older teen, didn't think anyone would care either. Thought it was my job to live with my family(mom), and I had to be loyal I guess. 😢 Weird way to think, but I had been conditioned early. 🤬😠😭😬

[@Angaloth19]

@@lapislazuliphoenix Being no contact as the parentified child feels like being a middle aged empty nester. It’s so weird to focus on myself for once, I’m still not used to it.

[@lapislazuliphoenix]

I understand. Think you described it as empty nester perfectly! "Oh, I don't have to worry about what's going on with (*), I can.....wait, what do I do if I'm not taking care of someone else? Isn't thinking about who I am and what I want selfish?!" That's what I was taught. They take so much from us!! I hope you're doing well. 🌈 🌞

[@whimsylore]

Woke up today feeling massively responsible for everyone and everything (including the death of two friends, because I wasn't "there" for them enough), and also feeling like a massive coward (even though, as you say, I have stood up to bullies on multiple occasions and have said things no one wanted me to say). So...thanks. I needed this. :'(

[@z1z2z3z]

Another awesome video! If anyone hasn't watched all of Jay's videos, I highly recommend them! So validating and clarifying. Happy new year!!

[@dotsyjmaher]

Watching this a second time....THIS is one of the MOST painful AND most helpful teachings I have ever seen...again..thank you for all you do.

[@coralmccrystal4606]

Thank you for this helpful video. I was struggling with regret before I watched it and you made me realise that I shouldn't blame myself for what my parents did, which lifted a burden. I also liked your comment that survivors show a 'toughness'. That's helpful to think about too! Also your comment that it is so unnatural that the human race would die out if all parents were like this reinforces that you could not be expected to fathom this out as a young child.

[@rosemarythyme8595]

I am so glad I found your channel! I am ready to heal. I am ready to live up to my potential. I know I’m not perfect but I also know I’m a good person. I wanna live up to my full potential. I want the scared abused little girl inside me to heal so that I can become the woman that I should’ve been all along!!

[@debrahunter6035]

Thankyou for pointing out I need to forgive myself.Everyone always stresses how I MUST FORGIVE MY ABUSERS! overlooking the pain a scapegoat inflicts on themselves for SELFLESSLY surviving and the time and stolen dreams they give away to these selfish people.

[@fk3972]

17:28 Thanks Jay, a great video again - I can pretty much tick all of the points you’ve raised. My biggest regret is not leaving the family sooner to live my best life. In my twenties I was on the cusp of leaving, after yet another petty blame game. It was so ridiculous I didn’t speak with my parents for two days because I just needed some headspace, and I was working. My mum needed my attention on the daily, sometimes up to 5 times a day and of course that wasn’t happening. I got a frantic call hoovering me in, and I fell for it, only for the sick cycle to begin again. Over and over. I could keep going with all the scenarios of manipulation, emotional abuse and love bombing, and her mask. It’s a sick sick messed up family system which I was of course, blamed for 🤷 I’m NC now and that’s messy, just peeling myself away and ‘undoing’ the damage and rebuilding myself. Had I left two decades ago life would’ve been much sweeter. I’d have a mature career, my children wouldn’t have seen/heard such cruelty, they’d have also seen a happier, less stressed, mum. We’d have moved up the property ladder. I’d have had more precious time with my children and husband, our relationship is hanging by a thread, but her jealousy and manipulation meant we all spent more time with her. I’d have more friends - she drove them away too. Any free time I’ve had has been given to her. Our family hasn’t progressed in the way I dreamt. I’ve had to nurture my mother since I was adopted. The rest of my family just watched on and were just happy I was the ‘chosen one’ to take the emotional beatings. Not a thing was said to her (or support for me) which is also a problem for me. It’s been extremely draining. The last thing she said to me was the nail in the coffin. I knew it was time to go, no matter how much the manipulation etc was amplified. Anyone reading this - please just leave, no matter how hard it might be, there’s always a way. Don’t give your life to someone else. If someone is reliant on you, there’ll be someone who can take it off your hands, maybe other family members (whether they like it or not) or healthcare professionals ❤️

[@melliecrann-gaoth4789]

Peace, health, continued healing and happiness to you all for 2023. Thank you Jay.

[@carlorizzo827]

Thank you Jay, painfully great. Complex subject. My father lived in regret, perhaps i inherited, or emulated, the pattern. I associate regret with perfectionism. I found many benefits in getting rid of perfectionism, diluting regret. One challenge for me has been accepting "it wasn't my fault". 2 incidents of savage assault occurred when female relatives retaliated when i violated them, i was 1 and 2. I pay lip service to excusing a toddler for behavior too graphic to describe here. BUT. My body knows i brought it on myself.

[@DefenderOfHumanity]

Holy moley, how was this EXACTLY the therapy session I needed to have? I've never had anybody zero in so exactly on what I was feeling and what I needed to hear. I finally feel like I have a way forward. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

[@steevo8754]

Regret! I can hardly look back and see anything that I didn’t regret! It all stemmed from knowing my parents wanted me gone. I had very poor coping skills so at a very early age (age 15)attaching myself to a young guy who was also dumped by his family but could make a meager living as a bricklayer. He was my escape/survival. I married him at age 17. I immediately regretted it. He deserved better than a girl who just married him for survival- he was a good guy. I stuck it out for 25 years but didn’t really love him. Anyway, I just have a history of poor decisions. I’m now 65 and constantly looking in the rear view mirror and feel I’m a waste of life. It all goes back to the message I received early on that I’m a mistake and need to be discarded