“Turns out he COULD change . . . just not for me.”

[@krishna335]

There's not a single person who won't change (at least to some degree) for someone he/she likes. The sooner you let go of what isn't for you, the more emotionally sane you will be.

[@Sabina-ve9ie]

I don't agree: Narcissists can't change - for anybody. They just create another image. Behind the scenes it's just as awful.

[@alinesimplicio1289]

I couldn't agree more! ​@@Sabina-ve9ie

[@revatirajmachikar5584]

​@Sabina-ve9ie yep. Absolutely. Narcissists won't change. They might act like they are changing for their new supply in front of the their old supply but soon the new supply becomes old too. The moment the new supply stops being useful for them.

[@theliterarytarot]

@@Sabina-ve9ieexactly. Narcissists will pretend for anyone to change but it’s temporary, manipulative and a facade

[@kendradamm1428]

You are absolutely 100% correct!! The sooner we can let go of what isn’t for us, the better off we will be!! I’m working on this right now, FINALLY, after getting stuck on what clearly was not for me!! This video has been so helpful. ❤

[@EdelweisSusie]

I've always been the 'placeholder' for the next woman who gets the best/most successful version of him because I got him to where he is now. This has been the thread throughout my entire life. What it's taught me is to ask questions, and keep on asking questions and don't be scared of hearing the answers. If he's evasive, breadcrumbs you or keeps moving the goalposts to keep you on the hook GET OUT because he's just stringing you along (usually because he's going through 'stuff' and is using you as a distraction). Don't play his game.

[@Karina_Engr]

I’m also a former “good luck chuck.” They get married right after me.

[@barbiebrenda]

Thanks @EdelweisSusie, I appreciate your story and your bravery to share something so intimate about you. I'm really sorry to know that this happened to you 😐 Thank you also for your advises, because they come from your broken heart and this is valuable to me in this stage of my life where I'm right now. I love you and I hope Matthew will help you to find the true love of your life

[@KiKi-te9yd]

​@Karina_Engr yeah same. The one who helps them be decent to the next girl, who invariably they want more, right from the start.

[@RubanLawrence]

​@@Karina_EngrGreat to hear you specified "former"! ❤

[@Karina_Engr]

@KiKi-te9yd It sounds at least they get better with you. Mine see how shitty they are and find another sucker to pull that crap with instead, but marry them asap to trap them. They didn't change. Their wives, I imagine, are miserable but maybe don't know why. 🤣

[@rg7122]

My experience is that most people have a default setting, and they slip back to that in time. Whether the new woman is willing to put up with what you could not is immaterial to your life

[@zenmaiden1]

Very true, the mask slips eventually.. they may put up with this man until they see the light.

[@lulusworld2703]

This happened with my ex. I took it bad, at the time because I kept thinking " why wasn't I special enough to him that he could have changed for me. To keep me. Why was our love not worth fighting for? ". But in the end I don't want to force anyone into loving me, so I made peace with the fact that he wasn't my person! I want to be with someone who will bend over backwards to be with me, because it's no brainer for him, and because he chooses ME. If I never find that person it won't detract from the fact that at least I am not settling for crumbs or an imitation version of a man that supposedly half heartedly loved me!

[@catdeluxe5291]

They don't change, they just find someone else willing to accept them as they are, with all their toxic traits...

[@cup_o_TMarie]

This 👏👏👏

[@AlexVNL]

Or they were never toxic all along . Just the dynamic with you.

[@ZuerstJesus]

Sometimes it just does not fit between two people.

[@xXx_FLeXiT_xXx]

To be honest if someone tells you they don’t want a relationship believe them. When I firstly met my ex girlfriend she was flirty an all but when I told her if she wants to go on a date she said she doesn’t want a relationship. Then about 5 months later, when i saw her again, she wanted to flirt me again. I told her that i am sorry but I don’t want to flirt with her again if she doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me. One week later she wrote me that she changed her mind and that she is willing to try it. It lasted 5 months then she broke up with me. She said that the reason was that she felt chained. One week later I saw her dating another guy posting on instagram how she is madly deep in love with him. I don’t blame her it’s her decision. Anyway if someone tells you they don’t want a relationship believe them. They are not taking the love of your life away from you. They are giving you an opportunity to find it somewhere else.

[@stayhappylittlemermaid]

The real glory is being knocked to your knees and then coming back. That's real glory. That's the essence of it.

[@joshliam1967]

When you said that their life is no more relevant to ours than that of a "A random barista, in a town you'll never visit"...paradigm shifting.

[@Songsandstudies]

Many men in their first love behave badly, constantly testing boundaries with the first woman who really loves them. Then they throw her away because she only begged for proper treatment. And suddenly they find someone else and they treat her much nicer. Like what the hell if you treated your first love the same way, she wouldn't have to beg for proper treatment.

[@dumfriesspearhead7398]

The first love "begged" for better treatment, the subsequent loves wouldn't accept shoddy treatment.

[@hanenmehrez1018]

I was telling mom last night about that... as if they didn't believe you are worth the shot... The only thing I learnt is to stop asking myself: why not me??!

[@LiT01985]

And yet I know they probably haven’t changed at all and I still feel sad imagining him with someone new & knowing he’s moved on.

[@mayagindeva6444]

Thank you for this video! I would add that usually the reason we feel this way (robbed, sad) is because we have invested too much in something that has potential but at the end we were left with nothing. I think it helps to think of it in a way of a bad investment where we lost amount of money that is painful, but thank God our main capital (ourselves) remained safe. And next time it we will have learned how to invest smarter without giving too much and ask for the profit soon enough. It may sound a weird connection but I find it helpful to move on.

[@ireefree2024]

I had that with my ex. He gave her everything I wanted for us. But guess what, he was never was what I needed neither the "one". After him I met my now husband and now I know what real love is. The other one was only in my mind. We never fit, besides his countless lies and betray. With my husband finally I can be my true self and not settle for less. I now experience a love I never thought it could be possible and feel a little bit stupid for what I had settled for. In the end I think destiny or god whoever saved me in the end. Thanks ❤ P.s. if that happens over and over you should do therapy. It helped me because I always fall for the avoidant guys I had to chase... in my case I never felt good enough.

[@Erica-wz8yv]

Thanks for sharing ❤ gives me hope that I will find the right one when the time is right.

[@Predictable1]

May I ask, how did your current relationship start, and how did it feel at the beginning? I have dated avoidant, and now I feel I'm starting to lean to be one myself.

[@samco63]

I’m glad therapy helped for you and you found someone! I have found that therapy hasn’t helped and it’s so hard to find good therapists who can help you get to the bottom of things. I’ve been to so many therapists and understand why I am like I am, but I find it so hard to stop being this way - I never feel good enough for anyone. Do you think the avoidant people were also avoidant with the next person?

[@ireefree2024]

@@Predictable1 Sure, in the beginning after I realized that my then boyfriend was going towards me instead of running away, it scared me to hell. Then I was the avoidant somehow. I started fights and so on (unconsciously) and it wasn't easy. I even had depression at that time (not only because failed relationships) and my boyfriend begged me to do therapy. In the therapy I felt even worst in the beginning because all bad things came up but after I processed them I finally felt peaceful and safe. I understood that I can trust again even more than I ever did. I finally understand that I chose these guys because they were what I knew as love. It has to be unsafe. Sounds stupid but I can't describe it better. And as it was safe with my boyfriend/now husband I started fights to have the known feeling. Thank God I stopped that behavior. In the end it was coincidence that I started dating my husband. He lived an hour away, probably it was destiny to find him on the dating app...

[@ireefree2024]

@@samco63 Therapy is very difficult. I always have been anxious of everything. And love was the worst part. I'm 39 now and I started dating with 33 because of that. Deep down I always knew that I couldn't trust anyone. Then I started dating and fall for every bit of attention of course for the wrong guys... the good were to boring. Also besides therapy I did my own research like videos of Matthew. He helped me a lot. And still there was in my case luck to find my husband. I didn't trust him the first year at all. The wounds of being lied and cheated were to deep. Probably I shouldn't dated again but I was stubborn at the time to move on. All came together. My mother had suddenly cancer after I knew my husband for a month. And he was immediately there for me. But still it needed a year of assurance and then a year later of therapy to fully trust him. Now more than 5 years, everything is perfect. He's there for me and I'm for him. About the avoidant guy. I don't know. My last boyfriend who cheated on me and married the girl and had a baby is probably still with her. So yeah he changed for the first time. With his girlfriend before me he had been 8 years and didn't married her either. But he loves to lie and manipuate which he told me. But I don't think he really changed. People like him are deep down wounded and don't know what love is. The complete opposite as we but that's the reason we attracted each other. She just fits his expectations more. Back then I was devastated that I wasn't good enough. That is called limerance. Here is a cool channel of lady on yt. That helped me aswell. Today I know he wasn't good enough for me. 🤭

[@slobodankaarambasic4961]

I’ll always be your audience, Matt.

[@BooklerNatsu]

Wow. This video couldn’t come at a better time for me. My ex broke up with me only a few months ago. His reason was incompatibility despite the fact that the examples he gave were all things I feel could easily be solved with some effort and communication. We’re in No Contact at the moment and I blocked him from literally everything so I have no idea whether he’s already found another person or not. But just the idea that he will be willing to put in more effort and work for someone else just not me (which will eventually happen if not already given that we’re incompatible according to him) drew me to tears. I really liked how you used your KZbin coaching videos as an example because the emotional process is identical but less intense and I now realised that this sort of thing (where someone/something is not for me/them but is right for someone else) actually happens all the time. Job interviews, any sort of thing requiring an application, even just shopping for stuff, say, a piece of furniture is not for me but perfect for someone else. Thank you very much for the video. I will remember to remind myself that my ex was just not my audience and the audience for me are out there somewhere.

[@namarievenstar]

Dear Matthew: I've been watching your videos and learning from them for the last three months, when I learned the news of my avoidant ex boyfriend of 7 years had married and had a child... Three years ago! It is surreal, because I thought I was doing fine, that I had moved on and accepted his departure from my life, and the news just shattered my world to pieces and broke my heart. Again. So, I thank you for your kindness, you and your wife sharing your experiences and knowledge, and all the advice you give so people who is navigating grief and hurt can rise above, clean their wounds, and dare to move forward. Thank you. ❤🙏🏽

[@Karina_Engr]

To be honest, he’s probably the same, but now trapped with a child and he’s making her do everything all over again. I know my ex is. Good riddance! I feel bad for her. 😅

[@brennam954]

Guarantee you he hasn't changed. Marriage and a child says nothing about the person. Just speaks to how he probably charmed the other woman and she has no boundaries and is settling for him. Trust me, don't be jealous of her. Feel bad for her, but mostly just focus on yourself. Avoidants are also more prone to cheating and you see them all the time on the dating apps, even while already in a relationships or even marriage. He may even be one of them.

[@namarievenstar]

Thank you for the empathy and supporting messages. It means a lot during the healing process. There's a lot of self blaming and regret sometimes, during the avalanche of negative and positive thoughts fighting process, that feeling understood and have some kind of encouragement is priceless. Thank you!... And yes, sometimes I feel bad for her and their child too. Mixed feelings...

[@mrmoshe8157]

We shouldnt measure our worth just by 1 ungreatfull bastard who didnt appreciate us or who cant love us or who cant care for us. We should measure our worth by our courageous bravery to protect our worth by Abandoning those ungreatfull assholes. They are not the most important person in our life. Be strong and move on for yourself dont stuck.

[@hannahhulbert6679]

Perfectly said, thank you that was very comforting to read

[@orcamexiwie]

-Our courageous bravery to protect. - You know, not only ourselves but those we love to death. I'm taking that as solid gold and will keep looking for the man who can see it and genuinely appreciate it.

[@talesfromtheroad9530]

Another option is nothing was majorly wrong with us....the person was just truly not ready (for marriage etc) and was using us as a placeholder. My growth these days is trying to grow in my sense of my value, my ability to perceive who is truly invested and into me (childhood trauma has stunted this basic ability unfortunately), and feeling worthy of someone choosing me for life. Not saying I'm not flawed 😂 Watching this video, I def thought about the criticisms exes have given me... however, I also dated people who criticized a lot and lacked empathy, so I'm taking their words with a grain of salt. Humility and self-improvement is important, but I'm more in the stage of building myself back up again after some unkind discards by people who weren't ready ❤ I'm aware of my flaws too and am working on them. (One of my flaws is having too low of a bar for kindness and commitment in others 😂) Thanks for your video!

[@Vishfeast]

One of the biggest things in life that is a hard pill to swallow, is you don't know what you have until you lose it. That's why in relationships its so important to go into it clear with what you value out of a partner, so when you do come across a person who has remarkably similar traits that you desire. It's really important to understand the more internal feeling we have that someone can "hurt" you emotionally, usually means they are such a good person for you, that your own insecurities are telling you all the reasons why you don't deserve this love. And you sabotage your "dream" opportunity due to your own realities playing tricks on you.

[@Beth1300]

I'm figuring out myself what I need to change. A friend I trusted told me that not many people would be willing to be in a relationship with me, because of physical health problems I have (mainly chronic fatigue syndrome which makes me need to sleep a lot). It knocked the hell out of my confidence and I'm still trying to lift it. I won't give anyone that power again. I'm on a self-awareness journey though and I'm good at analysing myself.

[@juliafisher5844]

I think that's what's known as a Frenemy not a friend lol

[@juliafisher5844]

You don't need to do anything btw

[@graciegracie]

Carnivore diet

[@thiacari]

Matthew was talking about "the thing about me that YOU CAN CHANGE". So telling someone they are undateable because they have a big nose, allergies or CFS, is useless. There are many people who find partners despite these. I have a friend whose girlfriend is a very tired person, she's awake for 6-12 hours a day and can't meet anyone/go anywhere for certain periods, but he still loves her and I enjoy being her friend too. So the question is, what is it about you that you CAN change, that is holding you back in relationships?

[@thiacari]

Their relationship works, because even though she has a low income, he likes taking care of her and making her happy. She has small projects that she does, and gets easily enthused and happy about things, he joins her in projects and events. His income isn't that high either, but she doesn't have that many materialistic needs.

[@AnnaM-u3z]

Just wanted to say thank you for your work - it has been a source of support for me over the last 7-8 years. I discovered the channel as a young adult, and your advice spared me a great deal of pain and disappointment. I did go through some underwhelming and unfortunate relationships, but I learnt to move on feeling consistently more empowered and resilient. Your perspective made a difference when I was feeling completely unworthy of love. Today, I feel genuinely happy, confident and optimistic single despite the dysfunctional dating culture in North America. Ultimately, it’s not just about navigating romantic relationships and knowing how to play the game - it’s also about self-expression and self-respect in every area of your life. Thank you for always being the island of coherence!

[@deliapasqualini970]

I wonder why people don't block ex partners on social media in order not to get any information about their lives. I can understand if there are children (but this is not the case) otherwise it's not necessary to have an open window on their current lives. For your health and sanity, above all if you are the hurt one, block and move on.

[@genxx2724]

I’m so glad I’m not on social media.

[@chrisP989]

I've been in a relationship for almost 10 years. He is now saying he doesn't want to get married. I'm going to leave.

[@azoz158]

I am so sorry ❤

[@juliafisher5844]

I'd say he has one foot out the door already ... sorry babes

[@victoriaporsiempre]

👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽 for leaving! don’t give him one minute more of your precious time

[@dorotaka4717]

Did the same. Was the best decision of my life.

[@genxx2724]

My friend is 64. She’s been with her boyfriend for five years. He’s gun shy about getting married, yet he wants to buy a house together. That is of the question, especially because she has kids.

[@HumanOobleck]

Love your compassionate guidance Matthew❤

[@sihr07]

Thanks for the third segment of this video. We all complain ‘oh, there must be something wrong with me’ but when someone points out to a certain harmful behaviour we get so defensive instead of considering it an opportunity for improvement.

[@Between_thelines_____270]

It's a harsh blow to take to your ego. But once you accept the reality of it, you're free. ✨ There will be someone that would go to the ends of the earth for you. Wait for them.

[@cam_3d]

Will you stop posting videos that incredibly timed and relevant to my situation... 😂😂♥

[@sarawingfield1148]

Mine too ..

[@amywatkins9309]

In recovery, this was a big part of my inventory.

[@alexandruionas-salagean8033]

Sometimes we do change. Kept hearing that saying, that "people don't change" and can happily affirm it is not true at all. Sometimes you change for somebody besides yourself, sometimes you change because of somebody that has decided to leave. Either way, if you want to, you can but it also takes the other person a bit of patience to stay by your side during this change if they really want to enjoy it.

[@Carray81]

A couple months ago I left my partner of 10 years. He has been going down for years. I cannot count the number of times I suggested him to seek help, that I could go with him if he didn’t want to deal with all his problems alone. He told me it was nothing he couldn’t deal with by himself, with his own will. Obviously he doesn’t have any. I finally decided I deserved better than being miserable by association and I left him. People who refuse to admit they have serious problems will never try to change, not for others, not even for themselves. Yes it hurts to imagine he might change tomorrow and choose to share his happy self with someone else after, but it hurts even more to imagine he might never change and remain alone and miserable. I loved him with all my heart and expected the same from him, but I’ve come to realize he would never love me properly without learning to love himself first. I’ve stopped expecting miracles. But I do hope he changes.

[@agnusdeiii]

I feel you. I've had to end a 10 year relationship as well that wasn't going anywhere. It was very frustrating because I truly loved him, I chose him for him and gave him all my time, energy and resources in the hopes of us growing together as a couple. I just wanted to start a family and live life together. But he kept telling me that he wasn't "ready" because he needed to "work on himself" first, while expecting me to still meet his sexual needs. When he started looking at other women I realized that this man never loved me in the first place. He just used me for my body and I was a convenience for him. Very painful realization especially because I'm the full package, good looking, kind and generous, yet I wasn't good enough for him to want to change. He would often make comments about how he could, he'd looking for someone "better" than me and that he would date anyone if they just spent the time with him. Even though I got far more attention, I still chose him over all the other eligible men who proposed to me and the thought of dating someone else repulsed me. I'm glad I ended it, though, and I have no desire of going back. What I'm most upset about is of all the lost opportunities of actually finding someone that does care and who would appreciate the time & energy I spend on them. The key take away lessons: Be very mindful of people's words, they reveal the true person's character. Never give yourself away for nothing. A man needs to work for your love. And always put yourself first. I hope you may find someone who will finally recognize your worth. God bless. 🙏

[@IndigoHazelnut]

This situation can sting.. But eventually we have to understand that this is not about us.

[@victoriaporsiempre]

it can be! Matthew is talking about this

[@SmaRiss1]

To Point 3: I know this exact feeling. I call it the "Teacher-Feeling". I always felt I was merely a teacher for my partner. No matter if it is related to communication skills, or boosting their selfworth/awareness like a coach, preparing them for different situations in life and how to deal with conflict in a relationship. I always felt, like they took my wisdom, my knowlage, my teachings and carried them to the person they truely wanted. While I was diregarded and discarded. "I thank you for all you tought me. I thank you for all the wisdom you poored into me. I will USE all of the skills you teached me, with a different woman, because why would I use them with or on you?".... It´s horrible and it turned into a trauma for me, since it happened to me several times, more than 3 times. Now, when I meet someone, I act stupid, as if I know nothing. I try to hold back on my "Teacher syndrome" as long as I possibly can! Because I feel: Teaching is the cause for them leaving me. It´s insane!

[@211Sevi]

I fell in this trap, in a reverse way. I wouldn't break up, among other reasons, because I was afraid that he would change, for/with another woman, and then I would feel devastated, because I would have withdrawn right before the treasure. Not a good reason to stay with somebody. First, of all, if they are just right for us, it is in here and now, and not in a possible future time that might never come. Second, like Matthew says, once it's done, there is no need for comparisons after all, because our main focus should be investing in ourselves. In greek we say, when something doesn't work as we hoped "good heart". It means remaining kind in our heart, for our own sake. P.S. Eventually he did "discard" me. I might become the one before the one. Sure. Can I heal enough, so that he can become the one before (my) the one? I can only find meaning in this question. Thank you Matthew for what seems to be genuine care!!

[@Stella-yt6dp]

Thank you for sharing, I'm about to leave someone but scared because of this exact reason 😢

[@sarawingfield1148]

As always thank you Matthew great guidance, coaching and emotional intelligence from you ..

[@K-dc8ox]

I have realized that I subconsciously selected someone I didn't find that attractive, hoping that would secure the relationship - but actually ended up breaking up with the person really badly because most of the case they realized I was not that into them. Moral of the story, my weakness was my own mindset on betting safe when it comes to choose the partner in the first place, not being honest to my true desire. Anyone can relate?

[@sOofiiexD]

Same here.. saw an insta reel the other day that said “what rejected you.. you rejected way before” unconsciously if we had resistance entering that relationship it’s a sign that is not going to work and you’re forcing yourself

[@kmk1600]

This has not happened to me yet, but I bet it will!! It’s just he is the exact kind of person that does this!!!

[@reyesalvarezferrando1108]

Exactly my story. He was separating when I met him, so traumatized from his marriage that I did not want to push him. So I was patient, and soothing, and understanding, even with his request of not telling his friends for the moment. Until the day he developed feelings from me and backed up because he did not want to live the same experience he had with his ex again...a few months afterwards he met a separated woman his age (perfect fit as far as he is concerned) and moved to a house 200 meters far from hers and told straight ahead the whole world they were together 🤯 You are right, the conclusion I got is that finally he did not have a problem, it is just that I was not good enough

[@juliafisher5844]

Sounds like he used you to be company.. meantime girl

[@victoriaporsiempre]

you weren’t enough…for him! but you will for someone worth it

[@leedlbagginshield8492]

you sound like another man‘s dream. It wasn’t you but him. He is damaged

[@vixter28]

Yep, people have to change for themselves and NOT for another person or it’s not gonna work Mine wrecked his marriage and now our relationship Maybe someday he’ll get help when he finally realizes that his life isn’t working Then, if he comes back around, I might not be available or want him back

[@itsmadisonb]

I love this topic...for a long time i thought it was me.. it also could be me at times as im human but most oftenly it was just him, wrong timing, different paths, different values. But also people dont change unless they sre highly aware and they most often keep repeating the same issues

[@teethenugget]

This has been an anxiety for me after just leaving a relationship because its been a pattern in my life. I’ve decided to take a long break from dating to grow n understand what part of me has been responsible for this cycle. Its hard but i dont want to feel like a victim to my circumstances anymore

[@Vida76Loca]

It has taken me 2 years to get over my last relationship. Walking away from someone that I loved was the most heartbreaking experience of my life. Next to that was seeing him get married to the next woman 😢

[@sushmasinha8054]

It’s a unbelievable true correct feeling,they are nice ,kind to the women who look like them😢, but not for me 😢

[@paolar.6408]

All of my ex were looking for girls/women who looked and even had same name as me but with some things they fought I don't have or couldn't agree for. All their now wifes are simillar too me. They (ex) changed for them but never for me. I learned that you should never change man. Usually you would change him for next one Not yourself. All things you will be teaching them for years will recive someone else who will accept them when you both break up. Now they will use their lessons. So never look back. Focus on your happiness.

[@thetruther954]

Matthew Hussey. I like you because you have that “inner-eye”. (As my Aunt said about my Uncle). Introspection. Just like me and Dad. All my girl friends, and I hoped they realized, I considered to be “too good for me”. Even if I did not come out and say it. I know what a “work in progress” is. The work in progress was/is me. When I got married, I married a woman who was my equal. At long, long last I really felt that I deserved her. She could know the “parts of me that weren’t so pretty” as the lyrics go. All the other girls, they’re with someone else, and I’m glad they are. Miss wonderful lets you be yourself? Good for you, you have reached the peak. All you have to do is stay there.

[@becky0710]

He wanted me to change and left me because of it. Then I did change, for me and not for anyone else. I’m so much happier now , Single life is fabulous.

[@taftoli]

Think of it this way too: if that ex really is changing in a better way for the next person, then that means maybe their whole mindset has changed to where they can see what they should have done for you, even though that ex can't come back and tell that to you. Also, if their next partner is getting a better version of them, then be glad that at least it might mean the ex is not completely ruining and damaging another person. Lastly, perhaps the ex simply met someone who was at their maturity level where you might have been at a different level that was incompatible. Go in peace and focus on being the right person for your future instead of dwelling on the ex.

[@slicker1070]

I love this ❤ All very solid points!

[@cup_o_TMarie]

Totally agree & sadly most people are not emotionally & spiritually evolved enough to have this understanding. They’d rather be bitter& wish pain to the others when in reality they likely should’ve left that person much earlier & healed their own issues so that they could attract the right person for them & release that person to their own journey.

[@almor2445]

Oh man where to start with this... my Ex refused me sex for over 3 years saying she just couldn't because of her menopause. Then I found out she's been with at least one other guy, who is 20 years older and definitely not a looker. I feel sick imagining them together, I would have never even thought him competition had I known he existed. She said she doesn't like it but does it anyway to keep the relationship... but she didn't do that for me even once. The hardest part is that she says she wants to be friends but then hints we could get back together... if I did everything her way... when that would still not lead to a proper sexual relationship... why the hell would I?! She's utterly delusional. Oh and she blames me for her infidelities, as if she had no say in her own actions. It's scary how she will say I get angry out of no-where when "out of nowhere" is her sleeping in the same bed with men I didn't know existed for 3 years and lying about it to my face. Know anyone who would hear that without a degree of anger?

[@sweatybabypowderhands843]

My ex did the same. Rich older guy. We go to the same Uni courses so I still have to keep in contact but I keep it extremely limited. She still wants to be friends but I would never respect myself if I allowed her to have her cake and eat it too. Love can’t work without respect, communication and honesty. And I and her both failed at that. I will make sure to never let anyone go through that in the future.

[@juliafisher5844]

I don't think communication with her is going to benefit your life .. do you?

[@kowalczykowna]

That sounds terrible, I'm really sorry you had to go through it. As @juliafisher5844 said, I think you should go no contact if you can, you need to protect yourself. It's hard at first, but with time you gain distance and clarity.

[@victoriaporsiempre]

if you don’t have children with this person, why keep them around?

[@thiacari]

She has pretty privilege and she's using it! I'm pretty but I never use men, I always make sure their Hope's are aligned before I go into something

[@m.3282]

I will ask this question next week three people in my life. Thank you for the incredible inspiration! ❤

[@anamkazim3740]

In my opinion, one of the main reasons for the pattern to repeat itself is, going after people that are wrong for us and doing reflection on who my audience is helps improve our probability in finding the right person.

[@heather3358]

The right person for you makes you want to be a better person. Or is that just me?

[@thecommonsensecapricorn]

Yeah I reconnected with my ex (who I left 5 years ago) a couple months ago. He was with another girl for almost four years and she broke up with him. He has grown a lot though and is so much more healthy. When we were together in the past, we couldn’t talk about anything without it being a big fight and going in circles. Now he’s empathetic and listens and validates me. He loved me a lot back then, and he wanted to marry me, and it took him 2 years to move on from me (all of these are things he will say too), but the reality is for some reason he changed and worked on things with her. Why with her and not me? Why was he so toxic with me?

[@LR-dm8wp]

🔄 ‘A MAN CHANGED AGAINST HIS WILL IS OF THE SAME OPINION STILL’ 🍃GREAT SHOW MATTHEW. 🗣️WELL SPOKEN… “MY AUDIENCE IS STILL OUT THERE”…🤔

[@christinebeames712]

People can and will change , IF IT IS IN THEIR INTEREST SO TO DO ,

[@sumbodyzwatchin1]

This was gold. Thank you Matthew.

[@doe7914]

Could be also that he didnt really change, but they are together anyway (with the new partner)

[@lindaeckardt6956]

This video actually made me crying and sad, because beeing 62 years old, not that beautiful and not that content and happy in life, there is a longlife fear in me asking people and afraid of hearing that I'm not pretty, not this or that, strange or not female enough and that there are behaviors, that might turn people off....😥 But thank you Matthew Hussey for this powerful deep message 🦋❣ Linda

[@victoriaporsiempre]

why you rely on what people are thinking and saying? nobody should make you feel bad without your permission

[@lindaeckardt6956]

​@@victoriaporsiempre Of course, you are right, I am aware of this in my mind, but not deep down inside me! Gone to therapy and everything, still feeling unsecure about my outer appearance. Childhood traumata...not easy to overcome ...🌈

[@rellynewby]

My experience is that I am the penultimate gal - I get them ready and they marry someone else

[@swaggyhijabi]

I feel you sis

[@klyxrasta]

ahahaha. Thank you for your service.

[@juliafisher5844]

Then stop doing that ... just stop ! If they need changing to make them right bf material then they not for you ?

[@thiacari]

My husband's ex really whipped him into shape! With a toxic relationship. I read that men commit when they are a certain age and their career is in a certain phase, but before they give up on relationships, it's about 30-35. So if you have been dating men under 30, you've just been missing the "male marriage window".

[@henstrom3655]

Damn, it hasnt happened in my life with my only ex so far, but the thought of it hurts already. Even though I am currently getting to know another girl who seems much more suitable for a healthy relationship. Unfortunately the first girl disappointed me so much, not to say that I have become avoidant because of her, but I dont think I will ever have these butterflies again in my love life. She was Aquarius + I would classify her as anxiously avoidant, it fits her behaviour and her family dynamic and history. Very very independence and freedom loving, she made a bucket list for all the things she wants to do now that she is out of school. Things such as bungee jumping, parachuting, south america solo backpacking... Anyways, the new girl is much more fitting. But it doesnt feel as good as with the first girl because I have been there. I have been in the dating stage, it is no longer special to me. It has become boring, but I must not confuse this feeling with her not being good enough or interesting enough.

[@victoriaporsiempre]

she is out of school, the last thing she wants is a relationship

[@RainyRaven]

He couldn’t do long distance so a relationship wasn’t possible. Until he met a girl that lives a 5 minute drive from me. Two months later they were in a fully committed relationship 😂

[@eagleeye2427]

I like your emoji. Just laugh about it. 🙂Think about this…a person like that is uncertain of what he wants. You wouldn’t want someone like that who will bail out of you whenever things aren’t going well. Someone will come that will stick with you through thick and thin.

[@RainyRaven]

@@eagleeye2427 I was gutted. Took me at least a year to recover. They broke up and he wanted me back. I refused and met my current boyfriend two months later. Love of my life 😄 Two kids and a dog later…

[@eagleeye2427]

@@RainyRaven They always come back lol. You made the right decision!

[@lulusworld2703]

@RainyRaven I am so glad you found someone better and you are happy now! I doubt it was personal and quite frankly he did you a favour as people like that are usually not enough for the amazing people they are leaving behind in their wake of torment.

[@Stella-yt6dp]

Same, he left because he couldn't do long distance and got into another ldr just two weeks after that 😂

[@coach_amy]

For some, they just learned from your disappointments and complaints, how to tweak their game and created a better mask to wear for the next supply.

[@samco63]

Exactly! Also sometimes the next supply isn’t as “onto” things - especially when it comes to lies and betrayal.

[@coach_amy]

​@@samco63 Yes. The new supply could be a person who is content on the surface, and/or is oblivious, and/or is dissociative and/or avoids conflict and change. Deeper people and truth-tellers can many times see things some other's don't seem to notice and/or care about.

[@redfeather-rf]

Absolutely--👹👺🤡

[@lamington321]

Thank you. Needed this.

[@CRiSPOP.]

All I can say is good for them, that they’re able to change and even if that other person isn’t me I’ll be proud and happy for them. It’s not always about me.

[@catharinacamenisch752]

Thank you, simply THANK YOU❣️

[@pratyakshbanerjee6523]

Let's gooooo Matthew husseyyyy!!!❤

[@EnjoyGengar]

No pain no gain.

[@JD-de5mq]

No one can change, most people don't even have the discipline to even change their own lives. Most people can't even choose to eat healthy or go to the gym, how on earth would they change their emotional behaviors.....

[@IndigoHazelnut]

It might be beneficial to ask yourself 'why do I hold this perspective?'.. The answer you come up with might contain some gold ❤

[@meninam83]

Completely disagree. I changed. I have been learning with my mistakes, adjusting and changing. People in long & healthy relations change & adapt to one another. If you are not changing, you are not growing which means you are stuck and stagnant - there’s never a good thing.

[@drkimpirelli416]

men dont change for women, they change for themselves and with that comes the opportunity for them to meet someone who aligns with their new found self (thats even if its real), so women seriously need to accept that no man will change for them nor hanging onto the belief that you have any type of power to change a man or wasting your time with that belief "well if i just do this/that/the other". You want a decent man - lower your expectations and make yourself an asset.

[@brennam954]

Exactly. A man who values you as a person won't make you feel unappreciated or force you to walk on eggshells. Sometimes it just requires communication and setting stronger boundaries. And sometimes it's just time to leave. Stop expecting men to change.

[@victoriaporsiempre]

why lower expectations? the low expectations put me in that situation in the first place

[@christinamarti4441]

Fantastic perspective

[@Korosensei612]

He cheated on me after booking our marriage hall with a girl 7 years younger to us.. We had been together for 12 years. Then said he cannot marry me because of guilt and trust issues with himself. I still begged him to marry me..But he blocked me everywhere. I feel ashamed and devastated for being so clingy and desperate.. I don't know how to get past this..

[@kendradamm1428]

There’s all kinds of info on the internet, including right here on Matthew’s channel. Go to therapy, get a notebook and journal, eat healthy and exercise, focus on getting maximum sleep, meet up with supportive friends, explore new interests and hobbies. As with anything, Work on being the best version of yourself you can be, and get to know yourself again. You don’t see it right now, but you will, in time, realize this was a gift. The best is yet to come. You just have to hang in there. You are worth it, so pour into yourself and focus on building an amazing, rich life. Transformation is painful, but so worth it.

[@BärbelK]

Clingy and desperate? You were simply in shock! 😳Understandably! For me, he behaves without character and is cowardly. No one deserves that! Grieve and have compassion for yourself. ❤️‍🩹Get family and friends on board. Take your time, breathe, value yourself and move on. It will be fine. 🙏

[@namarievenstar]

Dear... I am very sorry you had to go through that. I never had a chance to even receive a proposal, on the contrary, he said very cleary in an airplane cabin where I had no where to scape to cry, that he didn't want to marry me... What I want to say is, you dodged a bullet. A killing bullet that was aiming straight to your heart. Imagine what a hell would have been for you, a clearly loving and devoted person, to have married a cheater. And I know you would have forgiven everything and endured everything, because I did the same, but... Sometimes we need God to rescue us from harmful situations that we would have endured for life due to our hopes and unconditional love for someone who didn't deserve us. I say this with love: please, forget that coward of a man. He doesn't do good to you. Dry your tears, look for support from the people who really love you and care for your wellbeing (loyal friends and loving family), and pour that pure love of yours back on yourself for a change. Love yourself. Prioritize you. Take care of yourself so you can heal. It is what I've been trying to do. It is not easy to let go of the past and the illusions of what we thought was meant to be, but we can not live in a life that doesn't exist. Create that life in the present, and have faith in yourself and what that wonderful heart of yours is capable of materialize and achieve. Take care, and much love your way. I feel you... 🙏🏽

[@draganakaradzic-gj7jh]

Dear, heal your wounds from childhood that made you clingy and dependent of a man who was so inapropriate for you. Universe brought him in your life exactly to show you what you have to work on. Be counscious of that and work on it in order to avoid similar experiences in future.

[@brennam954]

I'm so sorry that happened to you. 12 years without marriage is...kind of telling though. This person was clearly noncommittal and dragging their feet.

[@saradf]

Im done tbh especially after my last one i worked so hard on healing and they only ruine my progress, do me dirty and never choose me in the end.

[@cup_o_TMarie]

🤍To you all. Men more often use women as placeholders & women more often monkey branch from man to man. All for the fear of being alone. If we could all find our light within ourselves & become that which we are seeking, we wouldn’t spend too much time with those not meant for us. Not being afraid to be alone allows you to very quickly walk away from what isn’t meant for you. And find your person that much faster. 💫

[@victoriaporsiempre]

you are right! emotional dependence should be treated as a public health problem I’m horrified for everything we have to go through or putting on just because we are afraid of loneliness 🙈

[@mary_syl]

Maybe the new partner demanded more from the beginning, set firmer expectations and boundaries, put up with less. Chances are they too have been through disappointing relationships before they arrived at a point where they knew their own needs and worth. Unfortunately this is often how it is - we only receive what we unconditionally demand. That's not to say that down the line the change won't deteriorate; if the person only does it to win the next one over and there's no real insight, they may regress to the old way. Such change isn't permanent unless they do the work in the new relationship or circumstances force it on them. It's also possible they were too young and immature in the earlier relationship, it happens. People grow from one relationship to the next. It sucks for the one who feels left behind but it's an opportunity for their own growth too.

[@Lichfeldian--Suttonian]

This is inspiring, Matthew. I do endeavour to find my audience, though I believe that my audience is small, since I don't follow the culture's values but my own values. Where to find my audience? 🤔

[@CaptivatingHopeForever]

@@Lichfeldian--Suttonian I'm interested in knowing your values.

[@ktmggg]

I seem to attract the ones needing a therapist, and once they're healed, they're gone.

[@darthvader78441]

This happened to me. I was heartbroken for months. He married the next guy. But, what did I expect? He's an untreated Borderline. He used the identity he created for me to find someone else. He's now married to a young gold digger. Karma perhaps?

[@cherrylane79]

Yes. He wanted to have kids, but only if I would have taken care of them alone. With the new woman he takes care of their children. Nice...

[@JeanBrink1971]

Ohh man.... 🫤

[@kendradamm1428]

I raised our kids as a single parent, while I was married. One of the loneliest experiences of my life. You dodged a bullet.

[@brennam954]

What's the proof that he takes care of the children in this new marriage? I find that unlikely. Even social media shows lies.

[@sihr07]

Ouf, this is one of the toughest pains

[@dmalina3]

The most painfull thing 💔

[@sarahwalker4494]

So either they haven't really changed deep down or they just don't get you. Orrrr be honest are you adding to this situation

[@BenrockyAA]

I am that person that changed Context: I was told by ex wife that she is leaving me, and has found someone better. That i couldn't change (18 year relationship, 2 kids). I was at that time overweight, lethargic, moody, quick to temper and took our marriage for granted. I accept my part in the breakdown of the marriage and i decided one day i couldn't be this version of me anymore. I literally hated myself. I HAD to change, not only for myself, but for the kids. So after watching countless self improvement videos (like this one) i decided to hit the gym for the first time in 10 years. I started to cut out junk food out of my diet. Started to learn how to regulate my EQ and become a more confident human being. This was 3 years ago. Now i am in a new relationship with a beautiful human being, and i couldn't be happier in all aspects of my life. Physically, mentally and spiritually. So yes i did change, but i did it for me and my kids. Not for another woman.

[@Gingabread-bw6xj]

I was surprised this wasn’t in the video. Sometimes a relationship breakdown can lead people to sort of snap out of it and realize they can’t keep treating others or themselves in that manner. It’s very hard to introspect and actually move towards changing for the better. Most probably wouldn’t do it.

[@itadakimasu22]

Honestly, if someone disappeared from your life, can't be bothered to be bothered, has no contribution whatsoever to your well-being, whether he or she changes for their own good has nothing to do with you right?? 😅 good for them!! This video shows you're still attached, Matthew..😅

[@ohdeer180]

100% agreed. The girl in the example was upset about him having a baby a few months ago… so 9 months plus a few more- she’s still thinking of this guy a year later?? Girl needs to move along

[@itadakimasu22]

@ohdeer180 not if he'd not letting her be?? Is all out to hurt and harm her.. projecting all kinds of wierd shet inside her head and secretly using her as scapegoat for all the wrong choices he has ever made in his life!! This guy needs to move on.. Oh.. and also he ain't even sure she's really who she says she is because of his own many faces

[@lalaacosta4818]

This has happened to me. He refused to make me his girlfriend, literally robbed me and dumped me then paraded a new girl not even 2 months later like she was the best thing that ever happened to him and I never existed and he recently married her.

[@nicolameikle8737]

Yes my last 2 r’ships I was left .. It affected me badly .. 😢

[@victory902]

If that happens it means they weren't for you. There is nothing wrong with you, just not compatible.

[@monday2756]

Matthew .. I am fully aware that you are a married man but I wanted to tell you that you are such a handsome guy. Your wife deserves you and you deserved her❤❤❤

[@peterpisspotty3052]

He'll change if he's inlove - he won't bother if he isn't

[@Mayfloweralways]

In my experience, men don’t step up with a woman that is too accommodating and tries to be “the one.” Men tend to pick women that they know will leave, if they don’t change- not because that woman is mean or not understanding- but because she knows you cannot persuade a man to change. It won’t work. You have to inspire him to change by making it clear that only men that care about your needs will get your time and your heart. You don’t even do that by saying it. He says he’s not sure and needs more time? You say, “i think you need some space to figure this out.” And you are around a lot less. You show that you don’t let men drag their feet or make excuses. You’ll only loose the guys that always planned on using you.

[@elektrovert]

Yeah but it still hurts when you put 20 years into it.

[@stylemimi]

Yes, it has

[@Gee-v2l]

Nobody's perfect, and when you dump your partner they probably seek to fix their flaws for you in the hope of restoring the relationship. If you don't or won't recognise their effort then the benefit goes to their next partner.

[@brennam954]

10/10 for victim blaming. Gold star.

[@jemmaj6292]

How about if your ex was a head messer/ very subtly abusive... Then moves on to get married/ do all the things they refused to do with you/ for you, but they're still abusive in a 'co parenting relationship' and partner seems just as bad and supports them in helping to do this? And meanwhilst they appear happy and fulfilled in their relationship but he still needs to make your life he'll and partner supports encourages enables that. What's that?

[@renee4200]

This happened to me recently, I was with this person for around 2yrs. He kept on doing things and I would say to him, you can’t do this if your with someone. My mistake was to carry on.(trust me I know, and ashamed of it). But before we even broken up completely he had moved on with someone and moved in with them😮 if I didn’t find out he would of continued with both of us, and though we remained in contact he wanted to cheat on her with me and I locked him off completely. Everyone is able to change, it’s who they are willing to change for. But by no means has he changed completely he just lies more and do things so she won’t find out, so the best thing to do is remove people like that from your life… trust god and his timing

[@EllieA-sf3ne]

Unpopular opinion: most of these times they don't want to commit to you because you are creating drama by pushing for commitment. If someone is happy iwth you, commitment will come naturally. If you are trying to enforce it, it will blow in your face.

[@dumfriesspearhead7398]

Or maybe they were always a placeholder. People are often happy using placeholders.

[@Watcha96]

Matthew do you think relationships have nonetheless an end date? For example if the relationship is fulfilled.

[@blake1001x]

You only change for the person you TRULY love. Fact.

[@npkrn6764]

Well in the case of the girl who wrote the letter...what she "didn’t" do (compared to the new girlfriend) is to get pregnant! I wouldn't take that scenario he is in now to mean he's changed. He's attaching and staying with her now because of the baby. Fast forward a year or two, and I'd bet she'll hear their relationship didn't work out either.

[@rosah8535]

I wonder what the music in the video is called, I like it

[@laurenw768]

Before I even watch the entire video- why are you monitoring what your ex is up to? That’s the first issue.

[@ana.maria..3]

I LOVE YOU

[@shakespearaamina9117]

Thank you 🙏