Enneagram Type 4: Best & Worst Traits of Type 4's

[@jenaevans]

It so funny how 4's always get Tom high pitched and agitated.. 😂

[@twlahue]

Awe, Thanks

[@lovelessvnc]

this is so accurate lol, you really opened my eyes about happiness. For some reason, I’ve always felt like happiness should just come naturally, and if it doesn’t, then it’s fake or not worth it. So I end up just waiting for this future where happiness comes effortlessly without me trying. If that makes sense?…I think I’ll start actually looking for happiness more in my life :)

[@twlahue]

I'm glad to hear that! Happiness is definitely something we can actively pursue, and it's great that you're ready to start looking for it in your life. Every little step counts!

[@artanddesign459]

Thank you Dr. Tom!! Great stuff! Because the 4’s subtypes can deal with the same things quite differently from each other, I’d like to open a discussion for the self-prez 4. Depression: I feel depression and sadness to its full extent. But, I avoid focusing on the melancholy things of life. I’ve learned to be this way - to suck it up and keep moving on. I used to constantly dwell in depression/self-pity. When I look back at my past self, I cringe. I cringe when others do that now. So, when those sad things swirl inside me, I move them aside and refocus to remain copacetic. And I will remain so for several days, even weeks. All good! Right? But that sadness will somehow resurface in random moments or on random days, to where i don’t know why or where it’s coming from - even when nothing has gone wrong in that moment or day. It honestly blindsides in a creeping way that swells up. I mean, though it comes out of nowhere, it starts small and ends big. Then I’m left to deal with it, which is to give in and feel those emotions fully. Because I’ve experienced that the more I fight it in those moments, the worse I feel / the more it’s prolonged. Its as frustrating as it sounds. Because I don’t want these big painful emotions. I’m trying to be cool and truck on. But here I go again, me forcing me to be me. Like a comparer: “Why can’t I just be happy and ok like my friends and family?”. Cause I’m trying! 😩😂 It just doesn’t always work that way. My nature is to feel, whether I want to or not. So I just deal with my depressed side the best I can with the help of others. But most importantly, I try to work through it in a way that’s not burdensome to others *and* in a way where I can get back up and keep going. Until the next time. Haha! Withdrawn: I think there are nuances about aloofness that differentiate it from being withdrawn. The way this topic’s conveyed sounds more aloof. And 4’s can be standoffish with an air of disinterest due to their higher ground. I can be that way when there’s moral differences. But I align mostly to being withdrawn as a subconscious defense mechanism. For example, my 9 husband and I are at Thanksgiving. It’s apparent to me that he can seamlessly level with everyone at my family gathering easier than I can. It’s instinctively obvious. Yes, I know it’s his nature. But naturally being self-critical, I feel guilt for not having the same ease in my social interactions / relationships. There’s some sort of distance that’s felt from me (and by me), even when I’m being just as social as my husband. So driving home, he notices my silent shift in mood and inquires. Being uncertain about where these unsettling emotions are originating, I shrugged it off and moved to a different topic. Later in the night, the feelings triumphed through way of quiet tears. Having time to introspect, I could explain the cause and its effect. That I would strain to converse with my family’s topics and then become a type of quiet that gave off a sense of tension. How that deeply bothered me, because I shouldn’t have that problem. And, I have trouble overcoming the issue. My husband, seeing me fully, says an honest statement: I don’t let people in very easily. It’s not surprising that the guards that protect my sensitive heart creates distance with people. He says our charisma is different. I might not waltz through surface conversations with ease. But I can gracefully swim through deep ones, providing a different kind of leveling. Though I can be reserved and struggle sometimes, that doesn’t mean I’m fixed in that position. So being withdrawn isn’t always a superiority complex. It can be an unintentional distance, even in the most subtle ways. Maybe it’s when trying to fit in ways you don’t. Or not knowing how to fit in at all. Or sometimes it’s just more natural to be withdrawn for some unrecognizable reason. But it is a clashing force to want closeness but also hold on to a certain amount of distance. Out of guilt or fear? Probably. But it’s good to remember though it might be difficult, that doesn’t mean it’ll always be so in every situation. ~ If you made it all the way through this lengthy comment, thank you! 😂 Any comment, especially SP4 insight, is welcomed!

[@twlahue]

Thank you so much for your thoughtful comment! 🌟 You’ve shared such rich insights into the self-preservation 4 experience, especially the tension between suppressing emotions and eventually letting them surface. Your approach to working through those feelings while honoring your need to process is inspiring. I also love your perspective on withdrawal-it’s so true that it can come from a place of vulnerability rather than aloofness. Your husband’s observation about your deeper connections offering a unique kind of charisma is such a beautiful affirmation. Thank you for sharing so openly-it adds so much depth to the conversation! 🙏

[@lesnspired1]

“Nobody invites you because you’re not friendly!” 😂😂😂

[@twlahue]

Right...?

[@ornameldung9893]

Love this video. Tom you are so funny 😂

[@twlahue]

Glad you enjoyed

[@orreng]

So, so helpful Tom. Thanks!

[@twlahue]

Glad it was helpful!

[@mayalabeille7447]

i'm a 4w5 and you make me laugh! thank you tom❤

[@twlahue]

I'm so glad to hear that! Laughter is the best medicine, and I'm happy to bring a smile to your day!

[@StevenGilmore-g3t]

Tom, great video. Thank you for your dedication and willingness to communicate this important information. As a type 9 wing 1 father of a daughter who is a type 4 wing 5 the information you provide is greatly help me understand my daughter.

[@twlahue]

Thank you for your kind words! I'm glad the information is helping you connect with your daughter better. Understanding different personality types can truly make a difference in our relationships.

[@BombaclaatGatofish]

If I looked/dressed "crazy" it was always for me, and I wished people didn't gawk. That's probably the only part of this video I disagreed with as a 4w5. I know how it seems... I'm not surprised at the way you described it, but I was always bothered growing up that people cared about my appearance being different and questioned me as to why I chose to look different. I just liked what I liked and couldn't appear as one who I didn't feel like I was. People thought I was screaming for attention, but I truly hated being in the spotlight, despite having a foot-tall green mohawk and a ball-chain necklace with 7 rubber chickens hanging from it. I wanted acceptance without judgement and without making a big deal about my choices. I suppose I grew tired of it at a point and chose to blend in more just so people would leave me alone. I had to pretend "normal" looks were for me to get rid of the unwanted attention. Thanks as always for your insight, Tom!

[@twlahue]

Blending in to avoid the spotlight is like trying to hide a giraffe in a herd of sheep-it just doesn’t work! But hey, sometimes you’ve got to play the game to find your peace. 🦒

[@BombaclaatGatofish]

@twlahue you're absolutely right about that

[@liug_yiuh]

I love you, dr. Tom. Might come back and rewatch. Also, Abbey Howe talked very briefly about (well, just mentioned) the blind spot path and the converging path. Could you make a video on those? It explains a lot. You certainly keep things to an easy level but I wouldn't call that mentally slower. I wish I had the speed you have to go through so many resources. I know it was a joke, but anyway.

[@twlahue]

Thank you for your kind words! I’m glad you find the content helpful. I’ll definitely consider making a video on the blind spot path and converging path. Stay tuned!

[@lindseyl5842]

I had the same reaction to “warm” haha. I know fellow 4s who come off as warm but I would not describe myself as such. 😂 Nonjudgmental and compassionate, yes

[@twlahue]

It's interesting how we all perceive traits differently! Nonjudgmental and compassionate are definitely admirable qualities. Thanks for sharing your perspective!

[@lindseyl5842]

Thanks for the valuable insight as always Tom!

[@jenm5666]

Luckily I was able to find some humor in this, but only because I have done a looooot of work in my problem areas (still have a loooooong way to go) the last couple years. I think us 4's come from the school of hard knocks. We learn from our bad-or at least most extreme-experiences. I've shunned advice lots of times and lived to regret it. And yes, it's easy to avoid the present. I'm learning to recognize and stop the downward spiral now. I have to give myself a good shake. Sometimes I'm actually grieving something real, in which case I give myself space to feel and work through it. But I can't let myself wallow indefinitely. Been there, done that, and thankfully pulled out of that mess. That's a difficult habit to break, but well worth the trouble. My super sensitive area is animal welfare. I physically hurt when I hear of abuse. I've channeled that intense emotion into something meaningful by fostering animals. It's a very small thing, but makes a difference.

[@twlahue]

Thank you for sharing your journey with us! Your resilience and commitment to animal welfare are truly commendable. It’s heartwarming to see how you’re making a positive impact in the world!

[@maggie1321972]

Really trying now. Really trying. Got to accept those others. Ugh. If we want to feel real love, we have to learn to sacrifice our ego, for the greater good. Hard push, but worth it. We can do it 4s

[@twlahue]

It sounds like you're really putting in the effort to grow and connect with others! Embracing vulnerability can be tough, but it's so rewarding in the end.

[@Dolph-fe2ks]

Accidentally pivoted over from another video on 2x (speed). Why was it (still~& exquisitely, might I say) *perfect.* 👨🏼‍🍳💋😎 (yes. also HYSTERICAL 🤣🤣🤣)

[@erinreneekelley22]

How many 4w5s watching this on 1.5 speed?

[@Dolph-fe2ks]

huh? 😏

[@cameronfry]

Guilty!

[@mcmackj]

I did 1:25 to coordinate with my mug of tea. 😆

[@autumnpendergast9151]

1.25. But yeah

[@etienneleonard440]

I watch all of his videos on 1.5 haha

[@AshleyChing-c3o]

“Your own life is broken” 😥

[@twlahue]

It’s true that we all have our struggles, but recognizing them is the first step toward fixing things!

[@HaydeeJane]

I CAN be warm ... but I'm not so compassionate, as I'm crying over Hollywood stars... but I'm good with homeless but I am very introspective . Maybe others would say I'm refined 🤔

[@mariqua5507]

It's funny watching your brain break a little lol

[@twlahue]

I'm glad you found it entertaining! Sometimes our brains just need a little workout.

[@CharlotteSometimes.]

Merci pour votre humour c’est irrésistible 😅😅

[@twlahue]

Merci beaucoup

[@moveordievision]

+

[@isa-manuelaalbrecht2951]

Huh..what...no 7 is ESTP/ J and no 8 is ENFP/ J....😊😮🎉😂