Enneagram: In Relationship With Type 3

[@claytonolsoncoaching]

Just thought I’d mention that I’m pretty sure I watched this better than any other 3 here.

[@shla5445]

😂 no, no. I’m pretty sure I did it the BEST 😬

[@petervandolah5322]

Hahahahaha ...

[@dsfkfjdg7660]

"No, I did! I organised the whole video into bullet points and made tables organising the information and every day at 4:30 am I wake up, go for a 30928409328409mile run while watching this video on repeat whilst also reading the books he cited in the video! In fact, I've watched it so well I basically can predict everything he's gonna say in all his other videos. If you don't believe me need, I remind you that I have an IQ of 210!" - not me

[@nessa5123]

😂😂😂

[@ogeo.8966]

​@@dsfkfjdg7660🤭

[@jessicaserrano8902]

3’s are goal oriented but that in itself is our truest self. If there is nothing to strive for, we feel aimless, and don’t understand how to be proud of ourselves or appreciated for simply going through the motions.

[@jessicaserrano8902]

I don’t think 3’s think anyone cares about how we feel. That’s why we do things for people, to show people that we love them, and hopefully earn love back. Also I think changing ourselves feels like we are reaching goals when we are looking for something to strive for. It’s not faking something we’re not; it’s learning how to be other ways.

[@Happycactushomes]

Yes! So good! I think we adapt and learn peoples needs/wants so we can be the best _____(friend, wife, parent etc). If I can find out someone’s enneagram number, then I’ll learn what that numbers needs in a relationship and make sure I do that for them. So I can be a good partner for them or friend to them. To fill their needs. Like accomplishing being a good friend / mom/ wife

[@dearan]

"I don’t think 3’s think anyone cares about how we feel. That’s why we do things for people, to show people that we love them, and hopefully earn love back." wow. I'm actually shocked at how accurately this was worded. I feel this exact way, I feel like my friends kinda don't care when I talk about my problems and feelings, and for some reason providing that care for somebody else makes me feel better, knowing that somebody wont feel the way I feel when I share my feelings.

[@judithdominguez3512]

I'm 3 and yes as a child I always wanted to be appreciated and make my parents proud.

[@LyubomiraGerova97]

I just wanted to thank you from the bottom of my heart for the work you put in your videos and the growth you inspire in your viewers! Thank you!

[@twlahue]

You are so welcome!

[@that1goat369]

You should make a video about the childhood trauma of each type. I know you have done the childhood message but maybe go more in detail

[@ALWIBE-nd3cm]

There is no such thing that based on the trauma, you would know which type it has created. Childhood trauma effects can only be understood with psychology and not with Enneagram.

[@naturallaw52]

I just keep thinking of how lucky your family is to have you.

[@AILDFAN101]

The constant push to improve my relationship with my soon to be ex-wife (She's a 9w8.) was too much for her. I should have backed off on a lot of things. I also just watched your relationship with a 9 video, and you pretty much nailed what she does too. She just came out of nowhere and told me she wanted a divorce, and no one can change her mind. I'm finding that I despise almost everything about a 9 now, but this video is confirming my suspicions that I'm part of the problem too. Really enlightening stuff here during a really difficult part of my life.

[@AILDFAN101]

@JarsOfClayFan1999 yeah, it's been tough. I'm trying to get to where I have forgiven her. I know there were good times. It's just hard to remember them right now.

[@ashley1097]

My husband is a 1 (I’m a three) and his ex wife was a 9. He also despises 9s. My female best friend of 10 years was a 9 as well but our friendship came to an end because of her own envy over my success and her inability to grow up. Unhealthy 9s are lazy and stubborn which are simply not attractive traits. I have yet to personally know a healthy 9 capable of keeping long term relationships.

[@veronicalagor4771]

Oof. I'm currently engaged to a type 9, I know some of that pain

[@amysaysamy]

Me a 3, watching this to be better and improve 😆

[@simplymoraa2565]

The irony. Me too.

[@alisonschmitt9533]

I’m a 4 and dated a 3 once. Never again! He was emotionally shallow and his affection was very conditional. He made me feel not good enough all the time, and played on my weaknesses instead of building my confidence and helping me grow, which I desperately needed at that time in my life. He definitely didn’t seem interested in helping me be my best self. It seemed important to him that I not shine so he could look brighter by comparison. His focus was always on himself and his ego was enormous.

[@tlhogid663]

I feel the same way about a type 3 I was friends with. Friendship never got close because of his constant one-upmanship and shallowness. I am a 4w3

[@ShaneOC]

Eek! I am a three and my wife is a four. We are coming up on 32 years of marriage. I would say that we understand each other and do our best to complement each other‘s types.

[@bothand3366]

I’m a 4 with 3/5 wings married to a strong 3. It has been a long 20 years

[@joyce_leej1010b]

A 3w4 here and enjoying how attractive the profile pics of the commenting Threes are : D Based on your Type Three videos, I think you are the most insightful Enneagram coach on KZbin I've seen. No one else comes close.

[@thepracticalhomeschooler]

Wow, I related to almost every single thing you said! Thanks so much for researching and putting these together. They are so helpful, informative and well explained. I can only imagine how much time they take to put together. Thanks again!

[@sherriinnis1462]

LOL: Definitely not doing anything without a reward, recognition, money, admiration, appreciation... everything is calculated and I'm observing the response/reward/reaction in real time.

[@lindawells5114]

You said a 3 can lose who they are by adapting to their situation but that is part of who we are… we adapt. I get what you’re saying though. To be a healthy 3, (which I have worked hard to do) I have found reflecting, self analysis and maintaining a relationship with my maker, my creator (God Almighty) has helped me be more grounded in who i am. He has helped me find balance and realize my value is not in what I do. I enjoyed your video! Thank you.

[@jessicaserrano8902]

Appreciation 💯 absolutely the most important thing. I think we do things to earn love, & appreciation feels like love. If we stop doing that thing that earns appreciation, we are afraid the love will stop. We only feel we are worth as much as we DO. Intimacy is like exposing a million frames per second, and it feels impossible to do enough at every moment to make someone love us. It feels like failure in between every major event. At a distance, you only see major events.

[@ShaneOC]

I appreciate your comment, Jessica! :-)

[@lindakoch2086]

I’ve had real issues establishing a self care/personal priorities schedule outside of the work environment. The Lord dropped on me recently “Slaves don’t have their own schedules” and I’m like Oh! I get that!” So my persona WAS slave to my (now grown) family. No time for me, and no requirement to do anything when “off duty” from others desires. Self negligent and (formerly) proud of it! I’m getting a good schedule for life together, time for God to speak to me, time for self care.

[@twlahue]

Great, thanks for sharing Linda.

[@melissaphillis7247]

My husband is a 3...I'm a 9. He's exhausting to keep up with, yes. Do I feel like a project...(yes, but only if he even notices im there). Everything you've brought up, is totally true. But I do try to help him realise he's appreciated, it's just asked for every day, it'd be nice to get some returned, lol.

[@aydasid]

Isn’t it!

[@RandolphTheWhite1]

As a nine, I can't tell why descriptions of all other types feel like they apply to me. Do I just not understand what things mean, because I'm too lazy to understand things on a deep level, and so they all sound the same; or, am I so ungrounded in my own sense of who I am, that I can just wear different identities, and I can't tell the difference. When you said "you have to be someone in someone else's eyes, or be nobody in your own", that felt really applicable to me, even though it's supposed to apply to the 3's motivation. I have a big fear of being forgotten.

[@twlahue]

Every type has a superpower. 9's superpower is to fully understand the perspectives of every other type. But this comes at a price: The only one they have a hard time understanding is their own.

[@marybethgibson4022]

The dynamic of making the other person a project to be solved and a problem to improve upon is rampant in my marriage from both sides. My husband is a 5 and I am a sx3w2. You would think it works well for us but it's double trouble because we both pick apart different aspects of each other. I hate criticism and he can't stand feeling incompetent. It can be dicey! It takes a lot of work.

[@marks7321]

Tom, this is incredible. I’m a 3w2 (SP) who just ended a relationship for many of the reasons you state in this video, and your insights are as piercing as they are helpful. “Yeah, but are you heart broken? Are you crushed? Are there tears in your eyes?” Each of those questions were implied, if never outright asked, and my inability to answer in the affirmative only made her and the process feel worse. Of course that wasn’t what I wanted, but I didn’t know how to help her understand that those aren’t emotions I allow myself to feel because I believe them to be counter productive and my goal was to be attentive to her concerns and needs and make the best decision with the information we had. As you said, “treating it like a problem at work.” Does a 3 want the relationship to end? Well, perhaps yes, but in this case no. (Also as you said) Is the relationship going anywhere and does the 3 believe both party’s best opportunity and future lay elsewhere? That’s the real question; emotions need not factor into it. After leaving this relationship and watching your video, I’m mostly convinced that my work in integrating to 6 looks like committing to a cause or organization rather than a wife and family. I am able to love my friends and colleagues fiercely and loyally, but I feel utterly unable to love a romantic partner the way they need and deserved to be loved.

[@thefirsthero5266]

I certainly see where you are coming from. We three's are repressed in our heart center, so feeling and understanding feelings is extremely difficult. Plus, with you being a self-preservational I could understand why you could think you can't love one on one. But I would like to say, i think integrating to the 6 for us means we learn true loyalty and selflessness. Finally loving, without desperatley trying to get something back, but in genuine concern for others. I am a 3w2 SX so I can't understand firsthand everything you are saying, but know this. Maybe you are not able to love a romantic partner perfectly now, but that might part of the work of integrating to the 6 for you. If you really don't want to have a romantic partner than thats a different story, but if you do, and you think you are just defective, naturally inadaquate, or incable of love in that sense, i implore you, please know that is not integration, that is a disguised lie of the three. we must learn how to connect to our heart.

[@konni7868]

My husband is a 3 (not sure about the wing yet). I haven’t known anyone loving as intensely and being as affectionate as he is (sometimes it feels too much because as with everything, the three goes in 120%). And I wouldn’t say he is a very healthy three yet, but threes are very capable of loving. We have not had an easy relationship, but I know that nobody is trying as hard as a three to improve and be disciplined about becoming a better partner. And it’s up to me to see and appreciate that this is one of the ways he is showing me his love. I encourage you that it might be worth trying again.

[@afrofuturisto]

As a 3 I would be surprised to know a 3 is wasting their time doing anything they don’t really wanna do. I’m so sensitive to the value of my time that I can be almost too quick to cut something off if it isn’t yielding immediate results, hobbies, relationships and all. What we really need to embody is the virtue of patience and being so goal/growth oriented wouldn’t necessarily be an issue (for intimacy, true learning and improvement, etc.). Thank you for doing this work Mr. LaHue!

[@twlahue]

It’s so true! Time is one of our most valuable resources, and being mindful of how we spend it can lead to more meaningful experiences. Patience really is key for growth and understanding.

[@o_enamuel]

26:09 "just stop complaining and move on. I'm not doing it already." is something I think other 3s would say

[@trustyourself-ashleyching3646]

Explosive anger, indeed, from public humiliation!

[@ashleyching7894]

Failure so feels like death to a 3!

[@shrunk07]

This is soooo helpful, Dr. Tom LaHue. I so appreciate the humility, the willingness to grow in your understanding, with which you approach your explanations of each type. Makes this all very easy to receive and promotes the same attitude as I listen to you. Melts this 8s heart and I just wanna hug you lol

[@Stephieremmxo]

I’m a 2 dating a 3. He says he wants to take things slow bc he wants to make sure a relationship is the right thing to do/ thinking long term. The goals are set to even become official in the relationship which is new to me. Thank you for covering that. I know he’s interested so I’m willing to put in time & be patient despite myself being scared of wasting my time

[@donnathedead7554]

run

[@sherriinnis1462]

Explosive anger with humiliation is real.

[@natashaatkins8279]

Hi Dr LaHue, Thank you for all your videos. They are all insightful and resonate with me on all levels. Your teaching are profound and I’m learning with each and every one of them. I am so grateful to you for taking the time to do the research and the videos. Warm regards Natasha

[@sherriinnis1462]

SO funny: My mentor just asked me, "how does someone like you struggle with confidence?" I simply replied: I fake it really well.

[@twlahue]

Nice.

[@DallasWade]

Holy h*ck, dude. Listening to this video was so bizarre. You don't even know who I am, and yet you know me better than anyone in my life.

[@sunnynotblind4158]

So perfectly describes my husband 💖 As a 2 we are completely opposite. Thankfully we balance each other. I accidentally started watching 7 because our son is a 7. I was so confused, as it was nothing like my 3😆

[@chillyfoto]

As a 3, being appreciated almost always brings me to tears. So yes, it is that very cut and dry. 😭

[@sherriinnis1462]

You can't enjoy something new if you're a 3 unless you are working toward getting better. the drive to be the best is central.

[@paulcollins6732]

Hi Tom, I always enjoy your videos, and thanks for this one too! A general question - something I've been wondering about: In your experience, do people of the same type/number (say, in the workplace) repel/conflict with each other more readily? I'm thinking that what you dislike in yourself, you might come to dislike in a colleague sharing your type. Make sense?

[@twlahue]

Yes, absolutely

[@marks7321]

I find that I’m most repelled by the average-to-unhealthy tendencies of people of my type and my 2 wing. Posturing, pretending, self-aggrandizing, spotlight seeking… I think there’s something in so painfully remembering those qualities in myself that drudges up a visceral distaste for seeing it in others. Anything that smacks of inauthenticity and desperation (especially from fellow 3s) is utterly off putting to me. As for my wing, it’s overt efforts to garner my appreciation and affection. Again, anything that smacks of inauthenticity and desperation..

[@thaisinhamartinsdoib]

2w1 here watching to understand the wing 3 of my eneagram type.

[@davidmetze2421]

The goal of this video could have been achieved in half the time. Good quality message.

[@amirmirhoseini3629]

Hello Dr. LaHue . Could you tell what is the difference between tritype 593 and 953. ( for an istp ) ?

[@maryellenott50]

This was particularly helpful! Thanks

[@sherriinnis1462]

Book recommendation about a 3 in relationship: SCARY CLOSE (dropping the mask and finding true intimacy) Donald Miller

[@o_enamuel]

10:40 totally! Whem I'm playing with friends on-line I try to impose some goals to that session, but they seem fine just wasting a fun time together, and I see I should be more like them.

[@kplchannel9027]

This was posted a year ago, do you still offer the training programs ? I am very much interested!

[@billgreen7519]

Just awesome, amazing video Tom!

[@francislaneferreira2195]

Hi Dr. Tom LaHue. Each book Enneagram and relationship do you think is the most complete? Your videos inspired me to read one :)

[@lindakoch2086]

After listening I’m thinking I may be a 3/2. This hit home hard. I’m overcoming a background that gave women no honor and no authority, so handmaid status to the real people ie men. So here’s to liberty to be 3!

[@daniellthornton4218]

I’d like to see more information on 3s who are living in a 9 state. I always hear about the 3 that move move moves and is always trying to work long hours and do the most. What about the 3 who is stuck?

[@fabulousHawaa]

This is informative very helpful

[@AVThemgmtYouthBG]

Thank you SO much for these videos they are super helpful 🤗🙏

[@938quilt]

your description of 7 wanting but not enjoying describes me -I'm a 5 but think unhealthy 5s go to the bad parts of 7

[@lindakoch2086]

Nice to get this update. I’m a 2/3 with a couple of close 3/2s

[@LovaLova808]

Waiting on 4 video like😱

[@jenannlynn]

Because I’m a 3, & because I met w/ u to be typed, I’m going to share Tbilisi comment with that I sent to my husband & friend,/helper, Angie: Oh. My. Gosh! I started watching this video a long time ago, but I didn’t finish, & I wish I had, because it is so me, & it addresses everything I thought made me other #’s. I do think that when my OCPD is bad, I behave a lot like a 1, but right now my OCPD isn’t as bad, & since I have been watching videos of me pre-stroke (where it’s obvious how 3 i am), I could totally see stuff I didn’t realize i did, & I kept rewinding to fully process it.

[@1ambreakfast]

Appreciate you man 1Love🤍

[@konni7868]

14:00 Well you have just taken any doubt of my mind… my husband is a three 🤣 can’t do anything for just the sake of it. And if you haven’t got the expert equipment it’s not even worth trying… I think that’s one of the greatest differences in our approach to live.

[@sanaatef8383]

How can you identify the best type to be with , that helps you to grow in your type

[@sunnynotblind4158]

I am a 2, husband a 3. As parents how might we deal with a 7 teenager ?

[@Ayudacelestial333]

You are talking about me like you live with me 🤣

[@emersonmedical6481]

You are spot on. I am a 3 just like Trump 😂

[@grandfallsarmy]

This is way too close to home. He describes how I feel like no one has ever have.

[@abbigalenguyen2693]

I desperately need my 3 boyfriend to watch this

[@rphntw1n]

Guess my type. (answer: I am all of them at the same time and there's nothing you can do about it.)

[@fm-uf7jd]

Thank you so much 💞

[@ddinfant679]

Checking out the 3...since the Dr. Seems to think healthy 9s are 3s 😅

[@samramtin]

Really appreciated and enjoyed the video! I do wish there was a bit more emphasis on 3w2 in relationships; this seemed a bit 'pure 3' to me.

[@petervandolah5322]

I know people like this ... Utterly pathetic ... I hate deceit ...

[@Apluschic]

I am 100 percent sure I am a 9. But looking at this video, now I’m second guessing myself. Just when I thought I was clear on being a 9.

[@silvanabonilla1291]

Same here, the main way to differentiate for me was my motivation, which for a nine is to seek peace, not necessarily admiration.

[@anngarfield1107]

Yes same! I thought I was a 9 but I relate so much to the 3. I’m so confused haha

[@thefirsthero5266]

yeah i thought i was a nine, and still resonate with a lot of nine stuff, but what made me realize i was a three is that while i might exhibit almost exclusivly stereotypical 9 behavior, my desires are unaquivically that of a 3, and thats what the enneagram is about

[@AlanaKelsey]

My results were 3 (26 points) and 9 (25 points). I'm confused as well.

[@realSimoneCherie]

Second guessing is a 9’s MO - I wouldn’t let that be enough to move you.

[@o_enamuel]

54:58 ROFC

[@LRG53]

@23:00

[@trustyourself-ashleyching3646]

To an extremely unhealthy degree, this is Narcissism Personality Disorder. I believe America can easily drive people to this. Listening to this, I can’t forget I have my 3 wing. It’s still very much there. “I’m not a problem to be solved. I’m a person to be loved.”

[@jessicaserrano8902]

Being a 3 is not a flaw

[@ashleyching7894]

Actor performing a role, not true to themselves

[@ashleyching7894]

If you’re not somebody in the eyes of others, you’re a nobody 😣

[@ashleyching7894]

Focused on moving ahead

[@ashleyching7894]

If no goals in relationship, lose interest!

[@ashleyching7894]

Love doesn’t come from image, status, or success.

[@ashleyching7894]

A rudderless ship, a chameleon to meet others’ expectations

[@fm-uf7jd]

This helps me to understand myself more 🤍