Enneagram: The High/Low Side of Type 9

[@christinaanne9382]

I know a 9 who "leaks" his anger onto his pets. Nines NEED people that they can open up to. They do not do well on their own; they need to be loved and appreciated, and they will be generous beyond measure and have a heart of gold toward those who love them.

[@alyssashoemaker3414]

Once I finally decided to vent my anger and put it all out there, I became a much better person and so much closer to everyone around me 💕

[@vivekraghuram2459]

I think Nines can fall into a dangerous vicious circle. They don’t want to stand out and so they are not explicitly praised or valued. This creates further anger that is expressed by isolation and passivity. Naturally, this makes them stand out even less and the spiral goes downward really fast until the fear of an unhealthy Six jolts them into action. Things can get really bad when the fear of anxiety or failure is the only thing that will get them to come out of that passivity.

[@Jake_masta]

This is so me...

[@IndigoNoetic]

Wow, I've never felt more understood. Amazingly put.

[@KJAlways]

I hope nobody think I am angry when I want to isolate!!! I enjoy being alone in my peaceful environment since I was young. I enjoy my autonomy and singing. Plus, I need to isolate to recharge my friendly energy. My mother did not allow me to isolate too much and gave me a social balance that saved me from being a lonely adult! She tried to save me from being a doormat, but I had to see it for myself and decide for myself that I no longer want to be a doormat anymore. I had to stand out, sometimes! Isolation gives me a break from it all!!!! 😊 I do make life changes to avoid anxiety, especially when I became aware of the causes!! Fear of failure when two ways: before, I avoided doing anything that is a risk of failure and caused my fear of failure to be a reality of more failure. Now, I try to do my best to do well in whatever I do to avoid failure and do well with positive feelings, like a 3!!!!

[@lorirees4248]

As a 9 I feel acceptance with life and not necessarily a fusing with other people’s ideas or agendas. When I ask myself what I want out of life, it’s very difficult to answer. It’s not there. There is no overwhelming goal or desire. This is not distressing. I mostly want friends and for my kids to thrive. It’s hard to pinpoint goals. I’m not a striver and I don’t need accolades or admiration- never have -and I see that accolades are temporary. They feed the ego. I do not need that, however I do wish I knew of something I wanted, or would like to achieve.

[@MrFireman164]

I am dealing with that, I have achieved most if not all I wanted or even more than I thought I was capable of and not I just let life happen to me, don’t really care to set anymore goals. I am definitely a human being now that I older instead of a human doing.

[@E3boss2003]

@@MrFireman164 At what age did ur life turn for the better? Just a reference for me

[@MrFireman164]

@@E3boss2003 I’m 55 now I have been doing enneagram work for about 3 years, I’m very health and have been able to balance my wings, I still feel and probably always will like I have a lot farther to go as in health they say I have positive attributes of a 3 but I’m still not motivated like 3s are, I am quite content with my life, my kids are all raised and doing well, I will retire from a career with the fire department in about 4 years with 30 years in service, I wish I could have learned this when I was younger but maybe I wasn’t ready then.. have a great day and if you have anymore questions let me know.

[@E3boss2003]

@@MrFireman164 Big up yh everything happens for reason

[@faithkadiri1254]

I am a 9. I found sufism (poet Rumi's path) and i found true Love, Peace, Harmony. When i am lost, i sit and sufi meditate and i find my purpose.

[@ashleyching3166]

It's like the "good kids" of the family who just do what their parents want, even in their adulthood.

[@thatonetangirl]

Wow I never put those two things together. Growing up, I was always submissive towards my parents. Afraid to ask for anything, afraid to ask to hang out with friends, just did what they told me because I didn't want to hear them say "no".

[@jenniferadams1497]

I raised a 9. I tapped into understanding personality as he entered highschool. It made our relationship amazing. It was so much easier to walk those last few years with him still being my child. I took what I learned of his personality and applied it. I understood his "laziness" so much better, his distractedness, his seemingly lack of care so much better. I brought him into projects in our home as a team mate, and my pal. We had a great relationship. He is the eldest of my 8 children. And was a gem of a kid. He is now married, a Christian man, and a great friend to all who know him. Very proud of him. But yes...... lol. All you say of the 9s. So so true.

[@twlahue]

Great. Your amazing.

[@KJAlways]

God bless you!!! 🙏🏽🥰

[@dari685]

I don´t want to fuse my agenda with others because at the end of the day, when I'm alone, I end up feeling nothing. Yesterday I felt like that, I was not happy or sad, I just didn't feel anything. And yes, I don't know what I want in life yet.

[@facesncharcoal4152]

This is so true for me as well. I can agree with people or play devil’s advocate but as soon as I’m by myself I have zero idea what I think and I hardly think at all...I’m just...there.

[@angelbowers2726]

I just spent the last 30 minutes getting roasted… but after thinking about it and reading these comments I realize that I’m not alone haha. Being a 9 sucks at times because it’s incredibly hard to step out of our comfort zones and search ourselves. We have trouble finding out who we are and what we want in life because we are so Caught up in what makes others happy and how we need to act to fit in and be liked. We’ve gotten so good at avoiding conflict with others that we’ve become certified professionals when it comes to avoiding the conflict we feel within.

[@emilymurray3194]

I’m a 9w1 who was raised by a narcissistic parent. I learned that going into sloth mode was the most effective way to survive abuse. I was hurt the most when I had attention. While this may have given me a feeling of security growing up, as an adult, I think that muting my thoughts, feelings, and desires is my own extension of that abuse.

[@MrFireman164]

Yep same boat

[@cjpearson03]

The last part where he talks about not really wanting others to set the agenda for you actually brought me to tears. I know I don’t want that for myself, but it’s hard to break out of that. I really don’t want that for myself though.

[@dajillwilliams]

Ive recently just got into Enneagrams and realized Im a 9 and after watching this I never felt so understood as I do now. Now I know what I need to do to get out of my rut, thank you! Im in literal tears from this

[@KJAlways]

I am so happy for you! That is how Don Riso and Russ Hudson made me feel. Feeling understood is a great feeling to have!!! I am always happy to meet people who took the time out to understand me. 🥰😊 Tom is an awesome person to make these videos for us!

[@coralynnbrown6761]

HUGS!!!

[@alyssashoemaker3414]

Yes!!! He has nailed my personality to a tea!!!

[@RandolphTheWhite1]

I think I get stuck in my outhouse because I actually don't mind being in it. I think sometimes I actually forget I'm in it. "Oh yeah, I forgot I'm sitting on top of crap." Things have to get REALLY bad before I start moving.

[@twlahue]

Awesome. I laughed out loud at this comment. Blessings.

[@JuliaJayATOP]

My hubby lives in that outhouse wish he would listen to this video...very helpful for those of us who love 9s

[@Flowergirl222]

I’m a 4 and my little girl is a 9. I help her own her voice and she helps me learn to compromise. It’s funny how different we are, but it’s awesome!

[@SoyJGAko]

I’m a 9 and ever since I was little in middle school, long before looking into any of this for sure, I’ve always called myself a chameleon, pretty cool you used the same analogy!

[@haleyv6487]

Yes! For many years, I used the same, and my reasoning was that I'm "adaptable." Knowing now about the enneagram and my type, it's crazy I've had this 9-quality before even knowing what a 9 was!

[@twlahue]

Interesting!

[@KJAlways]

Threes are known as chameleon. I was never one of those. I just went with the flow of others to keep the peace and avoid conflict, like a stereotypical Nine, except I knew how to entertain people as a way to achieve my goal. Haley, I agree with the term "adaptable" (the healthy form) but I have to admit, sometimes, I was a doormat to keep the peace at all costs at my expense. I was angry with myself when I became aware of it.

[@tomas5650]

FIND A 4!!!! EXACTLY! I actually initially tested as a 4 because I was already moving through this growth process of self-discovery. Entirely embracing the journey of 4 from low to high seemed to be an important step to growing as a 9.

[@stephaniem2743]

When you basically said we need to deal with our anger or it will leak out...whoa! I always prided myself on "keeping a cool head" and not getting angry. I have felt ashamed when I notice it leaking out. Even though it's hard to hear, thank you so much for these insights. They are so eye-opening!

[@LoRAlzaa]

I just recently found out about enneagrams. Im still trying to learn about 9's because i took an enneagram test that said I was a 9. So far from your video I am a 9. Im passive, and I can become passive agressive. I've never really been able to express anger towards my friends. I'm usually the one who avoids conflict, who doesn't voice an opinion at the thought of arousing conflict and the easy going type that just goes with the crowd. And i think thats why im finding it a little hard to really figure out who I am, because for the longest time I've just been going with the crowd. I mean still have a lot of learning to do about 9 and myself. But thank you for your video, it's helped. 😊 P.S. I like this video because you weren't only informative but you were also human. As if you were actually talking to a close relative or a loved one hahhahaha

[@twlahue]

Glad you found my channel. Thanks for the kind words.

[@KJAlways]

Welcome to discovering yourself as a 9! Uncertainty, of our types is perfectly normal behavior for Nines!!!!!! I was the same way as you described!!! What helped me to change is following the Recommendations of Riso and Hudson. Scroll to the bottom of the page to find them and be patient with yourself!!!! www.enneagraminstitute.com/type-9

[@lezlieporter5960]

Thank you, Dr.LaHue! I will be 60 on May 1, and I’m a 9 who really want’s to live MY life and not merge. I’ve been married 36 years, my three children are grown adults, and I’m an only child. I’ve been merging all my life making sure I’m not disconnected. Well, I’m moving into a new decade of my life and I want to live MY life. The one that God has planned for me! It’s time to go pick some apples! 🍎 Thanks again.

[@denac5222]

Thank you for saying 9s think people are stupid. Too often we are portrayed as loving everyone and very zen. If I don't like you, I just avoid you. Seems obvious for conflict avoidance, but not often discussed.

[@alyssashoemaker3414]

Yes!! Accurate!!

[@brandyyates6127]

The last bit about 4 s be helpful to a 9 is so true. My husband is a 4 and I’m a 9 and he has really helped me to wake up to the things I’m interested in and do my own soul searching. 9s go find yourself a 4!

[@KJAlways]

I guess, a 4 helped me too. Don Riso co-founder of Enneagram Institute!

[@brentennielsen7293]

“you need to go to your outhouse that’s where you get relief” oh my goodness

[@KJAlways]

When I went to Mississippi, I experienced the outhouse. He speaks the truth about it! It was a culture shock for me, the city girl who only knew toilets in bathrooms. Outhouses are stinky and disgusting!!!!!! 🤢🤮. 😆🤪

[@ThisIsNotAhnJieRen]

As a 9. I can agree about the traits of an unhealthy 9. There was one time that I felt unappreciated and taken advantage of at work and I just lost it. I became full of anxiety until it went to full depression and failed to show up at work for 2 weeks. Literally AWOL. I didn't realize I held everyone up because I was just always the follower. I didn't actually think that what I did actually mattered. When I finally went back, then that is when I realized I messed up the whole process.

[@Raphael0654]

Quite a testament to the 9, though; I'm saving a screenshot of this...! ^_^

[@Marjorie_Fisher]

I'm a 9w1. Most of the time I'm fairly stable and within the average to healthy side of a 9. But with all this craziness surrounding COVID-19, social distancing, and everything else that's going on, I feel like I've been bouncing back and forth between the high/low of 9 on a nearly daily/every other day basis. There will be a days where I'm very productive, getting work done (within 48 hours of the shutdown in California I figured out how to teach my Sunday School class online), and engaged with life and then there will be a days where it takes nearly all my effort to get up and eat and I have now idea if I should scream at or hide from life. But then something happens, usually a conversation with a friend, and then I'm out of that rut, until the cycle decides to repeat itself again after a few days. Your comment about finding a 4 is quite true as the conversations I've had with a friend of that personality type have been extremely helping in me to understand who I am.

[@haleyv6487]

Wow, this is so spot on! I have spurts of moments where I can be really productive, and many other times where I feel that unproductiveness you talked about. The latter half is something I hate staying in, although it feels so comfortable, yet I often don't feel like I can climb out of that state when I'm in it. Productivity for me tends to happen when I leap into a task in order to hit the ground running.

[@KJAlways]

Thanks for sharing, Marjorie!!!! I have days I am more productive and days I am struggling to get anything done!!! Maybe today, I will try something different even though I have edema from this weekend. And it is so comfortable, I agree Haley! Thanks for saying it out loud, so I can be more aware of my addiction to being comfortable! I need to get up and leap into a task with a distraction to provide comfort to my ears!! Thanks, you both have been helpful. I just need to work on a routine for the pandemic and avoid comfort until Dr Phil comes on at 3. Thanks again! We can do it when we actively try. 😉

[@lindseycastro6478]

As a 9, going along with what others want has led to me losing my identity over time. My life can be all about my husband and kids lives and not my own interests and joys. Figuring out how to find myself and express what I prefer is important for personal development in relationships.

[@gooutsideandplay4975]

Wow. Thank you. Been sleeping for 41 years going along with what’s happening. Haven’t really stopped to ask the hard questions of what I want for myself and life. Now going through things and have to figure it out. Wasn’t until recent that I discovered my type and why. Now I need to move forward. You nailed me to a t and that was good. Thank you. Got some searching to do now.

[@KJAlways]

Pay attention to your own passion in actions and inner voice that is yours alone. That helped me when I was ready for this part of my life after a lot of healing.

[@GurraGo]

I'm in the same age span and just discovered I am a 9. Curious about your progress. Would appreciate if you would share. Cheers!

[@haileyoslund]

I think a good response to the question of “why can’t I live this way if I want?” Is because it’s coming from a place of fear. And operating from a fully fearful place isn’t what we want for the people in our lives. Of course people can still make whatever decisions they want but ultimately if I see people in my life who are mostly making decisions due to fear, I’m going to wish more for them because that’s what love and care looks like. If the people in my life are okay with me being in my negative 4 place all the time and operating in that fear/shame, then I’d question how much they really care. When you love people you want them to be free of their own chains.

[@jatinsingh8122]

Very well put.

[@Margo296]

Thank you so much for this video! I realised so many things and today was no longer scared to show my anger to two persons who were disrespectful to me. It was a great feeling finally not to be afraid of a conflict. Bless you!

[@Raphael0654]

Rawr. >:3

[@elizabethgeorge168]

The "putting a lid on it" and "sloth" analogies were spot on. As many have commented, some of the advice may sound harsh or like a tough dad, but it's what I needed to hear today. - a procrastinating 9

[@meredithhull307]

Thanks for helping me understand my type 9 teenage daughter!

[@twlahue]

Awesome

[@stephanieraetrahant436]

@MrReedux I'm a 9 and wish this was how I had been parented as a teenager.

[@layanna8702]

God we need more parents like you 😞

[@KJAlways]

@MrReedux I agree with you! I was too oblivious to understand on my own. We need people like Tom to wake us up in a more loving sort of way! My mother tried, but I could not hear her because her words were too harsh!!!

[@KJAlways]

@@stephanieraetrahant436 ME TOO!!!!!!!! 😱

[@Kikiface100]

As a 9, I would be the last one to get ready because I let everyone else use the bathroom before me, and not prioritizing my needs or valuing my own time. Then I would rush out the door bc I didn't want to keep everyone waiting. And it would hurt my feelings if someone yelled at me because the last thing a 9 wants is to be the source of conflict.

[@paul5471]

At 59 I wish I could have known about this sooner. I left my marriage of 32 years and feel like I'm sorting through things. This all hits close to home!

[@twlahue]

Hey there! Your openness and honesty are really touching. Remember, it's never too late to start afresh. Keep moving forward!

[@jansilloway325]

So spot on. Therapy is helping me not to let life pass me by.

[@juliedevlin8115]

This is so interesting. I’ve only just begun to look in to Enniagrams. I’m a 9w1 and my husband is a 4w3, it’s been a real eye opener in terms of understanding our relationship and our roles within it. I most certainly have been casually water skiing behind his powerboat, he’s a hugely brave and creative person who makes me want to be my best self. I have also been very happy to be the facilitator and home maker whilst he’s achieving great things. I never thought about how I had never really known ‘me’ and what I like until I started counselling a year ago. There are times when I’m exhausted by his lust for life just want to go to sleep to the energy and ‘mess’ that he invites (my favourite word is comfort) but I’m so grateful for my 4, who’s really taught me so much. Thank you for your insights 😊

[@rachirooooo]

Oh my goodness when you started talking about how nine's feel about other people, that we think they can be ignorant but you just better find a way to work around it. DANG. I felt so called out. Honestly, this whole video has been a real eye-opener to both my passive-aggressive nature and my tendency to bury my needs until they explode. It's not healthy! Thank you for these videos, and thank you for your work in the world.

[@rachirooooo]

I spend a bunch of time diving into vision boards and drawing together things that interest me because I do get lost in that matrix if I don't have goal posts and directions that I want to walk in. Thank you again for this video. I'm going to work on getting out of the mud :)

[@huckleberry-lane]

I’m a 9w1 and married myself a 4w5! We’ve both been so so happy together! I chuckled when you said us 9’s need to find a 4! I’m so glad I found my 4! Also, I find that I’m so much more sluggish when I’m physically in pain. When I’m hurting, I don’t sleep well (I need lots of sleep...) and I just hurt all day and mentally exhausted. I’m really working to physically get well so I can be totally healthy as a 9!

[@shannonfowler3865]

I am a 9, married to an 8, sister is a 1, with 2 boys4&5. I am surrounded by beautiful healthy people and I absolutely love that my life merges with them all. So I can understand those that say there is nothing wrong with being the spectator. However, there was a time in my life where I woke up to the dangers of that mentality and I learned to surround myself with those that are healthy and beneficial to me and not a detriment. I can rest in that spectator position because I’ve put in the work to align myself with those that benefit me and I regularly keep a check on my relationships with those in my life that don’t. Thank you for your help in understanding me better!

[@juliaalexander8703]

i am a 9 and i’ve just discovered this about myself in the lowest low point of my outhouse. i cried throughout this entire 32 minutes video because i have never felt so understood. it all makes sense but i still feel so deep into the unhealthy version of 9 that any thoughts of getting better seem daunting and impossible

[@adelita2115]

Thanks, again for speaking truth from your heart! My partner in life is a 9, I'm a 4 and I think I have helped him achieve his goals, and also figure out what he wants in life. In exchange, he has helped me stay calm in times of chaos. The palm tree analogy resonates ;)

[@declankelly9829]

What amazes me is that a 7 has the patience to study other personality types!!! How come u are not out there looking for the next pleasure? A new toy?... a new body? Brilliant analysis of the 9. Many thanks. 9w8 :)

[@emilybarker3240]

I have mistyped myself as a 2 for years but did not at all relate to the wanting to be needed aspect of a 2. This video gave me such a good perspective on what a 9 is instead of being lazy, undriven and easy going. The way you showed how a 9 can reach up to a 3 and dip down to a 6 .... just made it so clear to me.

[@rogerpeterson1488]

My sister shared this video with me as I just discovered that I was a 9 yesterday. It's as if I'm being described here perfectly. I lost my wife last year to a long struggle with Lupus and I've been trying to get my life back together. I actually thought I was a six at first until I took a test. The description of being in the outhouse of a 6 and struggling to be more of a 3 is totally a perfect message for me and is giving me some much needed hope and understanding. Thank you for sharing this with so much depth.

[@geromejohnnygranada]

Having been adopted and having struggled with reactive attachment disorder this really hits the nail on the head for me. There were times i felt like I was wrestling between being a creative artist and being a dutiful soldier. Recently in the last few years I've done a good job of balancing the swings between my feelings as well as verbally communicate with those around me how I'm feeling. There were years after I graduated college that I spent time in my "outhouse" and in depression. I was frozen in time. But thankfully with the help of family, friends, and God I have been able to get the ball rolling. Right now I'm working 2 jobs, working on becoming a professional golf instructor and hopefully some time next year becoming a golf club professional, which I'm super excited about! All that to say, to all my fellow 9's you got this! You are seen and heard! You're doing great! And you will do great things! Let me add a quote my therapist told me a long time ago and I think he was quoting something else when he said it but it was "a ship is safe at harbor but that's not what ships are for". Also also Mr lahue, it's very cool you went to Grace for your mdiv, I went there for my undergrad and was there for a year and a half working on a masters in counseling! Small world!

[@lauriejorgensen3692]

This is the most helpful instruction I've heard on my nineness, and I've listened to alot.

[@merryk6766]

Silently fume! Agreeing to something with no intention of actually doing it! Being last in the car because I just had to do something last minute, this is so accurate when I’ve been working too hard, or too many late nights, I just can’t push forward with my energy, and other people are making me do things when I need to recharge. You’re also accurate when I’m too low for too long, my energy kicks back in to move me.

[@RandolphTheWhite1]

You're getting pretty good at understanding the different types. When you said, quoting a nine, "if I want to be a spectator and fuse my will with someone else, then why is that a problem," I was taken aback by how much you understood what that means. I know that's not the way you see the world but you're taking another's perception really seriously. Most people don't stop and think about how another's perception can be debilitating. It's easy to say "I'm not experiencing that pain so I don't understand what your problem is." I don't make sense.

[@thomassullivan2491]

The whole bit about needing to feel anger was Definitely worth the video and exactly what I needed to hear.

[@GabrielaVenegas85]

Thank you for the video. This video has shown me how much I have accomplished as a 9. More than I ever give myself credit for. I'm finally a healthy 9 and reach into the 3 a lot. A planner has changed my life. I check off what needs to be done.

[@julesl4525]

I love it in the inner sanctum. I can move toward motivation and achieving but not to the point that it requires excessive interaction with people.

[@dougg1976]

Get in the game !! Very good reminder I feel like I've stuck or maybe asleep in the out house for ages .

[@christiec3127]

You have described my husband in detail. I have lived with my type 9 husband for 10 years. Whatever the absolute opposite of a 9 is that is me. I never understood why people call this type the peace making type because I never feel like issues are resolved. He wants no conflict ever. How can you experience peace unless you resolve issues? That's not peace making; that's peace faking. A degree of conflict is necessary to achieve peace.

[@twlahue]

Maybe we should say the 9w8 is a peacemaker and the 9w1 is a peacekeeper.

[@psychopathinthemaking]

I agree, I'd also look further into the sp, so, sx variants. If he's an sp/so like me, balance is important to maintain our internal harmony or peace. I tend to hold onto the familiar because its a safe place, it's what I know I can handle and once I'm in balance I feel like I can take on anything, but life isn't a peaceful calm lake, its a storm, so I constantly have to fight to stay in balance to keep my boat afloat. It's one of the reasons I think we're so against conflict, it disrupts our balance and the balance of those around us. Keeping balance is inside is a full time job, and if you add external factors throwing wrenches into our plans, it can get downright frustrating. But since we don't want to trouble anyone or add further conflict to others or ourselves we suck it up and avoid confrontation all the while disassociating from our feelings, which may cause conflict for others if we release them (why do unto others what we don't want done to ourselves?) but its all still there and it can build up as a lot of frustration and anger which eventually comes out subconsciously as passive aggressiveness. It's an exhausting process. As a coping mechanism we may try to hoard what little peace we can by holding tight to familiar habits or things that bring us some comfort, but often enough they aren't the most helpful things to hold onto. Sp 9s can be creatures of habit.(I eat chocolate everyday and I have an slightly unhealthy attachment to the computer as antidepressant.-__-) I tend avoid or creep slowly into big changes if I can, if I'm thrown into those changes I can take a while to re orient myself (months or years) and facing conflict or breaking habits or losing relationships as it can feel like you're trying to peel your own skin off, your protective layer, only to be left completely vulnerable...whilst navigating in a storm and what's underneath...There's a reason why 9's have problems typing ourselves. We spend so much time and energy trying to keep balance with the factors around us that we neglect what's inside us. We're not present to ourselves and if we've been in that state of numbness for a while, can you blame us for not wanting to be? We're either stuck in the past or wondering for the future that's not even real yet and its a hard and long process to start afresh in the present. I'd say be patient with him and encourage him to be open minded and to try to find out why people react the way they do. He will have to learn to face and accept conflict and his anger, not as the danger that we first perceive it as but as tools for growth that can help show him what is going on around and within him and also help him learn how to react to it. I was finally forced into confronting my anger after losing a loved one. I hope he will have an easier time. It's a big lesson to learn that we always have a choice when dealing with emotions and feelings and that we might need a big change in perception. While I have learnt a lot from avoiding and staying quiet during arguments, I have found there is still a lot to learn from anger itself. Show him that anger is not just dangerous explosive energy but a reaction or result. A secondary emotion that springs from underlying issues and thoughts. It can be caused by fear, sadness, trauma, anxiety or grief, guilt, shame, crossed boundaries, worry, love, all sorts of things. As for building up self, we already have a pretty good idea of what we don't like. Self exploration can help take care of the rest and doing physical things is great for staying present. But it's up to him to realize that he has "fallen asleep" to himself to take the initiative to "wake up." From there it's his journey to take. We can't be present if there is nothing in us to be "present" for. "Present for what?" is something I often find myself asking myself blinking through mental haze. Which is why it seems safer to stay where we are. If you stand for nothing you fall for anything. So it's better to keep to what I know. But once my anxieties have calmed down, I'm present and I feel like have a grasp on how to deal with my anger and the conflict around me and I find a goal to work towards, I move into 3. ( Please note that this is just my personal perception on enneagram and myself as an "unhealthy" 9w1 INFP from what I've learnt though youtube videos like this and the Personality cafe forum. Observe your husband and move to suit as he is probably quite different from me depending on his personal experiences, level of mental health, his trifixes and cognitive functions. Hope this helped anyway. I felt like I worded some stuff poorly *hides face*) But I'd definitely call myself a peace keeper rather than a peacemaker..

[@lesliecarrillo8176]

Tal gurl just described my husband spot on 😂😬

[@stephaniedoerr4310]

Thank you Dr. Tom to learn more about myself. Sometimes I have to push myself or more often have to be thrown into a situation where I have to do a project. It is scary, but once I have actually finished the project and I feel so wonderfully alive! Now I understand why and maybe how to move myself towards that 3...sometimes. Overall, I do like being a nine because that is how I feel most comfortable. I'm going to watch your video "Help for Type 9's" to see if you have advice on how to learn to make my own decisions and how to know what it is that I want.

[@mthiele6086]

Great vid!! Type 9w1 here and I was wondering something about healthy type 9s, I’ve recently felt like I’ve taken that step to put myself out there and have been achieving my goals in a healthy way. But it honestly feels like I’ve never been so stressed and over worked, especially compared to when I was doing nothing. Any advice? Or is this just how a 3 feels all the time?

[@twlahue]

I would say that is normal.

[@andream9977]

Same here! I like to think of it as me learning new skills... and having to say no and set boundaries and communicate to others around me about my needs and sometimes say no

[@likemypryvecy494]

THANK YOU DR. TOM!!!!!! You nailed it!!!! 9s either don't know the damage they can do to other people or they are very Insidious. LOL Masterpiece video.

[@twlahue]

Thanks. Blessings.

[@smarsnava5420]

Im such a 9 and just realized theres more people out there like me starting to understand myself

[@GurraGo]

"Dormant volcano" describes me so well. This goes a bit hand in hand with the No More Mr Nice Guy, where dr Robert Glover - stating that Nice Guys are the only ones keeping track of doing things for other people through "covert contracts". When the maths don't "add up", since other people were not aware of the covert contract - I (both as Enneagram 9 and Nice Guy) can explode.

[@twlahue]

Sounds like you've uncovered your dormant volcanic tendencies! Time to channel that energy into positive outlets.

[@GurraGo]

@@twlahue Definitely - good advice. Keep up the good work. It is really appreciated.

[@tlhogid663]

Many of my closest friends are 9's. I am a type 4. I love them dearly - especially because they totally accept me and my uniqueness. Now I know how to help them, too. Thanks!

[@arieller.3232]

Making people late from time to time is the smallest of all the problems of the world, Dr Lahue! 9’s are precious gems! They balance the world’s madness. We are so lucky to have them! 🙏❤️🌸

[@kathrynpotter7574]

Wow, thank you. As a wife and step mother (and teacher) to 9s this is very illuminating and helpful to me. In the “defense” of 9s I can see how my spouse is like a 6 in terms of being action oriented in that being driven by fear - however - how it is “performed” is by being responsible performing the important tasks of responsibilities. “What do we need to be secure? How can we be prepared for this disaster? What could go wrong? What aren’t we being told by authorities? (Skeptic) and getting the ducks in a row to avoid disaster. As an aspiring Enneagram coach, this helps me discern the difference between fear based action of 9 versus the get the time so list done 1. Very helpful. Your articulation of neighbors and moving to the out house and apple orchard are wonderful metaphors which aid in clearer understanding in a fun way. 😎 You’re a wonderful teacher. Being your student is eye opening in a fun and profoundly helpful way. Yay.

[@diilouise]

This is a good video (9 here). I like that you don't edit (keep cutting and clipping). It's as if we get a good, long talk from you. The analogy works well. Thank you (from an Aussie).

[@twlahue]

Thanks for that!

[@liangailm.ilagan4153]

as a nine i've always been really consious of when i am being a burden or not, i just make it seem like i'm unaware because i really don't have much control over the thing i'm being a burden about which is typicaly my lack of motivation or laziness. i don't know if this also applies to other nines but yes i am very aware of moments where i am a burden to others and i do feel really bad about it

[@nitasuekent490]

On a spiritual retreat focusing on one’s foundational sin, mine came up as “sloth.” I got mad and wrote in my journal, “This needs another word. I am NOT lazy!” Then meeting with the retreat leader before I said anything, he said, “There’s a better word than lazy or slothful. It is “acedia,” a Greek word that indicates, “what difference does it make? Futility, depression-why try?” Exactly. And the antidote? Zeal, enthusiasm for the task. Thank you for your videos. They are helpful.

[@ANME1rocker]

Saying it out loud, is a wake up call

[@regeniapaige9997]

Seriously, one of the best 9 videos right here. Thank you!

[@amycreagh3108]

wow the nines get the message that they need to take on the values of the dominant people but deep down they never do and it creates resentment and conflict in my experience

[@KJAlways]

I did not take on their values deep inside (not a Sexual Nine), but I kept the peace and went alone with them to avoid conflict! They had scary tempers that I wanted to avoid!!! I find easier to just go with the flow! Riso and Hudson's Recommendations for Nines empowered me...it took years! Resentment and conflicts came into my awareness when I woke up!

[@livfree4872]

Trippy!! i just had a 4 kick me into being able to make a big decision i’ve been struggling to make forever

[@soham701]

"just playing it safe is not safe" great words and great video. thank you.

[@Jessicaunarex]

I have also witnessed the disintegrated 9 picking up the bad habits of 3. They will make decisions out of urgency and have this anxiety (the 6) that they have not achieved the external things of 'success'. So to 'get their lives in order' they come to believe they need a new job title, more money, new car, gotta buy a house 'cause everyone else has, etc. all the while overlooking what is missing within--that they have become a shell. Lots of talk about needing to 'achieve' shallow things, but very little follow through. Absolutely agree they need to sit down with a 4, but a disintegrated 9 cannot accept that they're not liked by everyone (as it is their very behaviour that is putting people off to begin with). When like this, they completely define themselves according to others and others' standards. There is no 'there' there anymore. In that sense they are the opposite of a 4, where 4s withdraw to gain their identity and sense of self but 9s need others to define what their roles are. Disintegrated 9s are quite opinionated, always right and filled with a lot of resentment and anger that they refuse to admit is there. Life becomes a series of surface level exchanges and pleasures.

[@twlahue]

Thanks...blessings.

[@jazon85k]

This is not a disintegrated 3 instead? 9 really go to sleep to their own desires, when unhealthy. No need for money for car, nothing. Just be at peace. Totally aimless life, and life just happening with them.

[@krgxo]

@@jazon85k I’m a 9 and I relate strongly to the original comment, I think when I become aimless and have no direction I tend to cling to what other people define as “important” because I need purpose but don’t know what MY purpose is. The need to fit in very much comes from wanting peace as well. Something along the lines of, I don’t want to find my own identity because it would mean going against the grain, which means conflict. So yes, a 9 may initially be completely aimless but I think when they do want to get some direction back, the tendency can be to internalise other peoples desires and aims rather than discovering your own. At least that’s my own experience when I’ve been unhealthy anyway :)

[@jazon85k]

@@krgxo Yes, a 9 can internalise other peoples aims, but usually only few peoples aims. I am 9w1 sx/sp, and I never had problem to be different, I was always knew that I am not fit in, but never cared about that. (9 sx looks like 4 btw.) Maybe 9 social is behave like the orginal comment, but I dont see myself as folllow the herd person, I am quite the opposite, I never understand the herd, never cared about money, carrier and achievements. (Sorry, lots of I. :)) I have a suspicion, that my father is 9 selfpres, and he is quite different than me, he is much more surfacelevel thinker, he likes simple pleasures. So 9 sx tipically merge with few important people, and NOT with the herd, and the thinking of the herd. Edit: Maybe 9 social is look like the original description, I dont know.

[@krgxo]

@@jazon85k You’re probably right, I think I am probably a social 9 anyway so that is maybe why I’m more attracted to societal expectations especially when I feel lost or stuck. It can definitely make me feel like a “shell” of a person as the original comment says. It sounds like you being sx/sp means you’re less interested in other peoples expectations and don’t have a problem feeling different which is a good thing! An sx 9 is probably the type to merge with other people in relationships if they’re unhealthy?

[@prachandachandika]

I'm a nine. Of course I love being in my 3, but find I have no way to get there on my own... It happens (3) at random times and when it happens I feel I only have a brief period of time to take advantage of it. Any clues on how to conciously get to the 3 state?

[@multiplefandomlover7179]

I am a Type 9, though I am pretty sure I've fallen into 6, and I was just wondering what you mean by 9s being more "reactive" to people. Do you mean more reactive as in anger? Because there have been times for me where I've let things simmer for such a long time that it gets to a point where I feel that I have to verbalize it, or you know, have those moments where I explode at people, and when they come back even more angry and forceful, I shrink back and feel so horrible for saying anything to begin with.

[@twlahue]

Yes, that is what I mean by reactive.

[@likemypryvecy494]

Nice job being open and starting to "awaken!"

[@psychopathinthemaking]

Take your time if you need to, feel out your "fault lines" and if possible ask family members or close friends about how you are when you are annoyed. I've realized that half the time I'm "annoyed" I'm actually angry.

[@multiplefandomlover7179]

@@psychopathinthemaking Wow, that is actually a good idea. I guess I really don't realize it at all until people start pointing it out.

[@kathrynpotter7574]

I’ve witnessed the health of my spouse 9 as an accomplished accompanist in performance art. Merging with great musicians to kick the virtuosity and expression of a performing group up sky high. For example improvising alongside a poet, as a jazz musician aiding the soloist here and being the soloist there within the groups artistry. What I would say he wants is the thrill of being a contributing and valuable artist within a group experience. That’s what he wants - I think - To merge with an ensemble as a co creator or a sublime experience, and to be cherished for being part of that circle of friends, artists, family of creators. It also gives him A sky for his wings and stage for his voice. What I love about 9 performers is that they merge with the art and give themselves to the art. In performance it’s about the art not them. 9s make great artists within ensembles. I’ve witnessed 9s in family be excellent by creating more harmonious families because they want to be a cherished member in the family and cherish their family and because they WANT a family and want to enjoy being lived and valued in it.

[@lizadean8794]

“What you nines really need is to find a four”….(long sigh). Social 4 here: and basically, all the closest relationships I have? Are with 9s… It has been…really hard. I know why we have the connection we do, and for us, it’s that 9s are willing to hear our perspective and not make us feel judged. A 4 needs a person who can really hear them out and not make them feel shame for all the terribly painful things they feel but often hold back from others because they fear opening up too much will land them dismissed, or judged. 9s free us in that way. In return, we’re good at helping 9s put into words what they can’t find the words to express, while holding them accountable to themselves, and what THEY want, not just telling us what we want to hear. A good 4 will hold you accountable to yourself as a 9: But the sinister side of 9s is that they lack all accountability. 9: “i SAID sorry! i didn’t MEAN to/I didn’t KNOW better”. See, 4s can see through that. First of all, you guys like to pursue your own agenda, even when you KNOW better, because you can always lean on the façade of naïveté later. You’d rather say “sorry” than ask permission. Then you play innocent or play “dumb” when you get caught. “I didn’t know better, I didn’t realize”. It could be spelled out directly to you, and sometimes, you just choose to disregard it, hurt people in the process, and think “i’ll just do this to make up for it later”. This causes damage that you refuse to avoid causing. You sabotage the relationships in your life by putting your own fantasy or agenda above a person’s actual feelings, and its dehumanizing when you aren’t actually listening to what a person is putting time and energy into, for you, to try to make the relationship work. A lot of the time, you’re not really listening, you’ve got your defense lined up and ready, and it doesn’t matter what the person says for the next 3 sentences- you are just waiting to pursue YOUR agenda and make your excuse or justification, which always fails to acknowledge that INTENT is meaningless compared to the IMPACT your senseless impulsivity had on another person who dared to be courageous enough to open their heart and love you. You make people feel insane when you try to act like “why would I ever sabotage myself on purpose, I hate conflict”. You “hate” conflict but you use “forgetfulness” and “i didnt know better” type behaviors to try to gaslight people into thinking they are wrong for getting upset with you when you poked the hornets nest again and again, gently, until someone finally erupts, and then you can act shocked. You act innocent, but then cause commotion and chaos, until the OTHER person finally gets upset enough for you to meet them with the anger that was YOURS all along- you just create a scenario where THEY are the one who “initiates” the conflict (when really they are just reacting to something you did to sabotage a situation/create conflict), because you want them to “start” the conflict, so that you can have the grounds you so desperately want to unleash your anger and express desires you’ve subverted until this moment. I have often had my 9 friends say “9s sometimes have to learn the hard lesson, unfortunately. We do it to ourselves”. But you do it to OTHERS too. If someone dares to love you, to trust you, to do the work it takes to patiently help you find yourself, please don’t continue to act like “i just didn’t know better”. It’s painstaking to realize you were just someone, who could have been ANYONE in this 9s life: they just were seeking an outlet for their agenda, and would take on the interests of any person who is willing to just be there. The painstaking feeling of being in a relationship with a 9 is the constant feeling of “you care more about keeping me in your life at any cost, than you ever cared about me thriving, or finding any modicum of happiness that I could derive from outside of what you could provide”. If you have a 4 you care about, surprise them sometimes. Take them somewhere they’ve never gone before. Be sincere in your apologies and your praise. And let them know that you care about their happiness enough to let them go when they need it, because you love them, and their happiness means more to you than your need to possess or smother them. Don’t keep making empty promises to change or be better. And if this person does a lot for you, the best thing you can do for them? Is understand that providing comfort and convenience is nice- but enriching their life, encouraging them to thrive, taking an active role in making them better outside of comfort or convenience, really makes a difference. Don’t reduce our relationship to “help me figure myself out”, when 4s need that just as bad. And most importantly: don’t fall in love with the idea of US, and don’t make US fall in love with the idea of you. The second you don’t live up to the fantasy cosplay you’ve projected yourself to be- its incredibly painful to realize, sometimes years later, that that person you thought you loved, does not exist. But that they were happy to be loved as an “idea”, despite how you wanted to not be loved for the idealized version of yourself, but rather who you really are, flaws and all. Don’t project an idealized image of your own desire onto us, and don’t project an idealized false version of yourself onto us. We don’t want to fall in love with a person who does not exist. Role playing is not fun for us. It’s painstaking.

[@Cinderella-mc8kf]

Obviously that doesn't relate to all nines so calm down😅

[@lizadean8794]

@@karissahammond4587 i appreciate your kindness- clearly i was really upset when i wrote it…little did i know a year later i’d be in the exact same head space with the exact same person i’ve been giving so many chances to…and that none of anything I wrote above has changed at all…it’s still the reality even a year later…a year of being patient, of dealing with constantly feeling like the only thing that matters to this person is to keep me at any cost- even to the point of detaining me (literally), stunting my progress, and sabotaging me with the anxious need to constantly make sure i reassure them “i’m not leaving”- even to the point where I say “i’m done, this is over” and they will not accept it. Playing on my abandonment fears…all because they care more about not being alone than they ever cared about my health, progress or happiness… Is it even possible for a 9 to love someone enough to let them go? Like actually let them go? One of the first fights I ever had early on with this person- they told me I couldn’t be in a fight with them without first reassuring them that I wasn’t going to leave them- like you mentioned above “let them know you aren’t leaving them”- i have to call that one out… I told this person “i cannot possibly, ever, guarantee to anyone that i will not leave them- and its wrong of you to need so much reassurance when i should feel free to leave if i feel unsafe, uncomfortable, or unhappy. If you need that much reassurance, you should be working on yourself, not anxiously clinging to me and needing me to promise you i’ll never leave you”. I could make an entire video on the fact that the separation that 9s fear so much is the same separation that gave 4s the rich inner landscape that 9s feel so drawn towards. You could have that rich inner environment too if you could actually allow the separation happen- you’d get the chance to develop your very own deep inner landscape and learn who you are outside of other people’s acceptance of you- because that isnt you- who you really are is who you are when you are separate from the group, or the person, or the collectibles/pets/plants. 9s are my whole life. Sister, best friend, and love of my life (or so i thought). I will be making an enneagram channel soon as I am certifying right now to teach it. But i’m glad I wrote this comment bc I really needed reminded today that a year later, this is all still happening. Older more developed 9s told me “they’ll just keep telling you whatever you want to hear to get you to stay”- and that’s all its been. The empty promises, the hollow words. It is so incredibly painful…and the worst part is this person just keeps saying “i’m changing i’m doing better”. I keep saying “please, stop trying to change; just be who you are- you deserve to be loved by someone fully as you are, and nothing less. Stop trying to force something to work that isn’t working”. I am so exhausted…I wish a secure attachment was possible with a 9, but it feels impossible. Someone has to know who they are and lay their authentic cards on the table for that to be a thing.

[@eringeoffrion9159]

100% accurate! I laughed when you said “go find a Four”; I’m married to one 😄

[@twlahue]

Perfect!

[@marywilliams8831]

Dr. Tom, I'm so happy to have found your channel. You've helped me see I am a SP4w5 and now I'm pretty sure my boyfriend is a SP9w1. Thanks so much.

[@chrysanthemum3087]

Love what you say about suppressed feelings leaking out-- not sure if this is a Positive Outlook triad thing, or true of the whole enneagram. You mentioned you thought that would be worth a video-- just wanted to say, I'd love to watch that video for all the types, or whichever it applies to!

[@chrysanthemum3087]

Also: yeah, 9 here, really appreciating the real talk about how 9s can cause trouble in our own lives and for others. We can TAKE IT. And we need the reality check. Some advice for 9 is a little too soft IMO. So, it's tough to swallow, but appreciate it so much.

[@veronicapatino7184]

I am E4. My husband E9. I love all you talked about E4 and now I am loving what you says for E9. I shared this video to my loved husband. I hope this helps him. Thank you very much to share a very complete information with love, fun and respect. Love your channel.

[@stevenmorel6796]

Very helpful video! Both informative and encouraging! First time looking into this and doing the enneagram test and I'm a type 9 (98% match). And this video is amazing! It's like he knows me! lol

[@twlahue]

Glad to help.

[@texamanian_dude]

I just stumbled upon this video out of curiosity, as I’ve taken the Enneagram test four times. Funnily enough I got 9 twice, then a 6, and then 1. This video kind of knocked my socks off, so to speak. What an excellent video, and it hit so close to home. 👍🏻.

[@LunaticReason]

Nine here or at least I think I am. I grew up in a family with a lot of conflict as a child and often I would get hit with the friendly fire so to speak. This made me in social situations be the peacemaker or become invisible when I couldn't make peace. It almost made me not look out for myself because I would find people fight over their own wants and needs so I always let got pushed back to the end of line because I prefer the peace of not having to fight and just adapted to enjoying what I could get. That's how i've lived my life but for some that trait makes them angry at me.

[@nohasamir3134]

Can't thank you enough. Spot on 👌 One of the best videos on enneagrams!

[@amandawalker1196]

I have twin brothers, one is an 8, the other is a 1 and then there is me...a 9. Our house was very interesting growing up🙃 Edit: our lives, interactions, and communications are still interesting.

[@lynnrussell467]

As a 9, i AM in the game of life, Tom! Listening to you brings anger up in me: who are YOU to decide what 9 should do? or what position to play on "the team"? I like, LIKE, playing fullback or guard, not in limelight like you or other go-getters, but i sure DO hava part to play, the very role GOD GAVE ME, not you or any system or program of personality dissection. Ouch, man! OUCH! OUCHEE-WOWWAAAHHH! Perhaps my outburst means i am in the outhouse, and yeah, sometimes ya gotta let it out, dump the compost. And sometimes, 9 gotta stick up for self and say what is true. I am glad to be 9, to be backgrounder, to be holding the outer edges of the nest together...

[@patricialancaster4320]

As a 9 I lack motivation I do want more. thank you for helping me realize that I can excel.

[@facesncharcoal4152]

15:53 I never really thought about it but holy crap, growing up I was always the last one in the car to get to church bc I was just going about my business getting ready at my own pace 🤭

[@ChrisCat7]

My husband is a nine and I am a four and lemme tell ya that’s a combo right there

[@reidlaue]

Thank you so much for this video. I’ve been in the outhouse for a while and I’m ready to start taking those steps towards 3. I’m excited to try again gosh thank you so much

[@MrGeek12]

i am definitely a nine! i tend to voice my opinion, but if it got heated, i backed out immediately, but in all honesty i'm okay with that. I'm well aware of it for a long time and accept it for who i am. But like you said, sometimes i feel shit about myself for what i've done. and a three definitely help a lot, and sometimes even a five can help me with their harsh word. i tend to being suspicious of all the people around me, but none of them realize it, because that's who we are, we are carefree, easygoing, a pleaser and people's people, we kept it to ourself to always be vigilant of our surrounding so that we won't got into unnecessary conflict, not because we're anti-social or something.

[@industryfungi6778]

Best video on 9's that I've seen yet. Thanks for your insight and personal take!

[@swatirao6118]

It feels very good to see this video ! Glad that someone could really and actually understand me ‘ everything that you said is very trueeeeeee ! Thank you so much

[@alexandra2536]

That's me ! Thank you for the advice.

[@smile2024-c7s]

@25:00 very true in regards to anger, I was getting snappy with people close to me and then felt bad about it, but it was because else was hurting and I had no way of expressing it

[@NICKIIOO]

You are like a therapist for me. Thank you!

[@MFLapin]

This is such truth. Now I am super aware that I am a type 9, I see myself in this so much. I am classically easy going and also can really get stuck in the mud and lose myself. Thank you for this wisdom.

[@roymichalik2580]

I came across this video randomly, but I am a 9 and this was really powerful. Thank you, and I know how strange this will sound to anyone who isn’t a 9, but thank you for reminding me that it’s ok to be me and that that’s really what my friends and loved ones want from and for me.

[@stephanieraetrahant436]

I am wondering...as a woman and a wife and a Type 9, how do I choose to support my husband (a 4) in what he wants but still honor the fact that I want something different? I want to do both, but they seem to conflict.

[@COOPSTOP]

Man what is happening is this magic or something? Why am I uncontrollably laughing and sobbing at the same time??

[@meganswann7435]

This was a slap in the face

[@weezanhimer]

I took the test about 5 years ago and was told that I was a Type 2. After watching your video on 2's, it didn't feel like a fit. I care about people, but it didn't feel like me. So I just took the test again. And it said I was a 9. WHAT?? Is it possible to change Types?? Couldn't believe it. SO I watched every minute of this video and it describes me TO A T. "If you don't let it out, it will leak out." WOW. I was in tears by the end. Thank you for helping me understand myself a little bit better.

[@sunnyvalered]

I am a 9 recently during an enneagram class the subject of sex was discussed, a 1 and 8 were asked about their thoughts about sex! She said she wasn’t going to ask a 9 as they are not self reflecting in regards to sex! Can you say more about this so I can clearly know what that means???

[@TheCrayonsMelt]

Great video! I really am enjoying your videos I have watched! One question for you, you mention looking at our own desires as a type 9. I have constantly struggled with just going along with everyone else (which is not always a terrible thing.) but how do you recommend starting to know what our own desires/goals are? I know what my interests are, but how do you turn those into actual goals? In another video you mentioned a TV type 9 is Jerry from parks and rec... 100% true. I don’t really have career goals, but when he retires you see his true passion is his family. That’s kinda how I feel.

[@twlahue]

Finding, discovering, and stating your goals can be hard work. 9's have a hard time sorting out their priorities. Keep at it.

[@suthradhararamaiah1680]

Dr. Tom it is like you know me personally... This is seriously top notch content and deep insight into type nine. You are amazing!! Could you also please make a video or let us know a few concrete steps pertaining to daily lives that we can do to reach our Cabins from out House and later even go uphill. That'll be so helpful.. Thank you and I totally respect your knowledge.

[@twlahue]

Thanks so much for the encouraging words. That sounds like a great idea...A practical steps video.

[@meganpierce9977]

Oh my gosh!!! I contacted my closest 4 friends earlier today while thinking over some earlier videos!! 😂 I asked them that EXACT thing! Oh my word!