Two Common Characteristics of a Cheater

Once a cheater, always a cheater? Not necessarily, but there are two characteristics cheaters have in common. This video explains what may be holding your relationship back from being "affair-proof."
Mary Jo Rapini, MEd, LPC is a psychotherapist, specializing in intimacy, parenting, body image, and relationships.
Reaction Reset is a self-help series that explains the psychology behind why we react negatively and how we can begin to make a positive change. Subscribe for a new episode every other Wednesday!
Download PDF activities from my site for more help!
www.maryjorapini.com/reaction...
Visit my website:
www.maryjorapini.com
Follow me on social media:
Twitter: / maryjorapini
Facebook: / maryjorapini
Tumblr: / maryjorapini
Instagram: / maryjorapini

[@vespadavidson2315]

I’m 65. Listen carefully, don’t waste your time on trash. You decide what the trash is. Period. Respect Lady. Locked and Loaded.

[@justins356]

Thank you. I need to keep hearing this from people.

[@marafenton8178]

It's a dopamine addiction. That's why they do it again. Some folks can cure their addiction with vigilance and self work but that's a steep path of self discovery..

[@SaystheTruth3]

We all had a dopamine addiction when we first met. It's called falling in love...

[@user-cq2hm3dk9d]

@@SaystheTruth3 Most times it isn't love, it is infatuation or obsessive addiction to the other person if you prefer...real love is selfless ! It doesn't have an agenda, it is a soley giving process that produces those feelings.

[@HarryAcorns]

Or blame a friend. I confronted my best friend about her cheating, and within a day or two, she was saying, "You and my spouse are pushing me into his arms." Fckng ridiculous.

[@tinaj9621]

Wow. They're often so dirty and have stooped so low that they're delusional , it's pretty sad actually. Yikes

[@gabrielamartiniuc6322]

I have control over whether I allow someone like this in my life.

[@terrywade3696]

WOW! Those 2 traits are exactly my husband’s behaviors! And yet, he was faithful to me for almost 29 years and then, my 25 year old daughter exposed his “emotional affair” to me by showing me his phone! I’ve been struggling with recovery for the last 4 years while he’s been exiled to the guest room and although we’ve had several courses and now in counseling with a betrayal trauma expert, I’m not seeing enough change in his behaviors to feel “safe” enough to move forward with him. We just completed formal disclosure right before Christmas and I’m still not convinced that I’m getting the real truth! His behaviors don’t match his words. I’m starting to believe that divorce may be the answer but I’ll be 70 years old this year and the thought of starting over after spending half of my life with him doesn’t look appealing. However, neither does spending it with him if I don’t see a real change in his behaviors! And since the two you just mentioned still remain, I’m screwed!

[@GordonPavilion]

Get out.

[@Bart12349]

Is there an update? Did the divorce happen?

[@user-cq2hm3dk9d]

This is a very sad situation, but also, very understandable on so many levels...

[@JS-sv3fk]

This is so true. Just left a 2 year relationship. She was very sneaky and always trying to snake and maneuver around me like I was some obstacle. And then it finally clicked; I was her obstacle. She wanted to be able to have sex with whoever, whenever and if I had an emotional response or attempted to express my pain, it would get shut down with her crying and blaming the world. It’s a dopamine addiction. She couldn’t help herself because she didn’t want to do the work to help herself. She ran away from her pain and her past and let’s just say it ended up catching up her.

[@brookesmith1550]

Not ALL cheaters have one of those in common.

[@zach3409]

I think you nailed it on the head here. Although with my wife I don't think it was fueled by addictive tendencies. My wife separated/moved out about 8 months ago now due to a "problem" of mine. Was definitely a problem (ongoing) but it was a legitimate stronghold & wasn't anything we couldn't have worked through. (No abuse, drugs, alcohol, infidelity) She didn't try exhausting all resources to get through it, and she admittedly said "it wasn't her place to help me and get things figured out as a spouse"...that it was "my thing alone to work through". That's a wrong attitude in marriage and cut pretty deep just her saying that alone. She sure was good at pointing the finger in telling me what my problem was. Never attempted anything other than a finger wag and tell me what she "deserves". A couple months after she left she got involved with another guy and then moved in with him (along with our 3 year old daughter) after just a "couple months"...That's insanity to me. The guy is half rich and is "the male version of herself and a giver". She just now filed for divorce. Her words through this..."I deserve better, and I won't be held back from being happy". It's tough, but I've come to the conclusion that she likely isn't who I thought she was. Side note: She went through horrendous sexual childhood abuse.

[@justins356]

Wow, that is completely fucked up...especially with a 3-year-old! Make sure you dont give up on your kid. Your ex has no right to keep your kid from you and just start over. Most likely, your ex will dump the new guy too when the excitement is gone. Your kid is really going to need you to be steady and always there.

[@zach3409]

I still see my daughter but for now it's only on the weekends. She won't leave him (doubtful anyway) as he makes 6 figures and our big issue in our marriage was financial in nature...Also, they apparently have just so much in common...more so than her and I (which we had a lot in common ourselves). The way things are going and with the way she gawks over him, she plainly thinks he's the best thing since sliced bread. She said his money and professional background isn't what made her jump in with him...That might be true , at least to some extent...But I'm willing to bet if his income matched hers at $32k I don't know if she would have gotten involved. It's weird how it all unfolded. Also, he's 12 years older (27 & 39)

[@stephaniestauffer-mo9bg]

Completely explained my new boyfriend in 4 minutes.

[@dwwolf4636]

Hahaha, yeah deep sense of entitlement. Sure. More like dead inside from all the negativity slung my way. I haven't yet....but feel my resolve slipping. No willingness to resolve issues or even talk in earnestness from the other side. Leverage is all it is there...

[@I-rlak]

Defensiveness.

[@Dreamplandoradij]

am i correct that you are talking about cheaters behaviour - those who lie to their partners and those who have sexual intercourse cheating or is emotional involvement with other person is also the characteristic of cheater you are mentioning? i mean if you are not happy in your relationship but cannot put a finger on whats wrong , you have no fights, but you talk rarely, you take meals together and without emotions and sleep in one bed but like neighbors and when asked your partner tell you everything is ok and he loves you. And then you met a person, communicate with and finally see what you ve been missing - that you can be appreciated, interesting to someone, told that you are special, that you are unique , and worthy of good things and words. And you are getting emotional for this person for their attitude because you never ever get this from your partner and didn't know it could be that way. then you tell your partner that you met that person who makes you feel alive and appreciated and you have some feelings because of it and and tell new person that you are in a relationship and you don't see where it all going and is it right to communicate and be so emotionally involved . Is that also reasoning - that you mentioned as a first reason - that I'm blaming a partner not receiving love i needed? cause i felt bad like empty in a relationship but didn't know why and didn't blame my partner back then most of all i was thinking that maybe I'm not good enough or not interesting enough or not worthy enough - as we never go anywhere, only to groceries. we have no hobbies together , we didn't talk much or even cuddle. but its an analysis i can see now not then. now i can see we had to talk it out and work together for our relationship and than we just took each other for granted like furniture in the room. i never stepped out the physical line in that emotional involvement and never lied to any of them , and reached for therapist for a year to work with things that lead to depression. And i still cannot tell if that time and my involvement could be marked as a cheating or this polyamory thing , or this was just a situation that showed each of us some things we need to understand and work on. because i cant see how i would not fall emotionally for that person anyway. its not like i plan it on purpose to make my partner feel bad , i don't think i could control feelings. actually i am proud not to cheat physically well i didn't think of it back then either it was all so romantic and platonic and I'm proud i didn't lie to anyone and we all tried to manage what was going on .and i still have very warm memories about that person I've met and thankful he showed me I'm worthy appreciation and engagement.

[@RubyBandUSA]

thank you for writing that

[@user-xp7lt6cl8u]

0:46

[@Inseparable724365]

a lot of people cheat once and never cheat again ???

[@elikorn7418]

Possible if it was a 1-off case in which the perfect storm had to happen.

[@Inseparable724365]

@@elikorn7418 I only did once in my entire life, but not sure if your goal is to get caught it's really cheating (adultery for sure) .. both of us hoping for quick exits out of dead marriages. We both did get out but it wasn't quick or easy. The one that cheated on me did once and learned her lesson ... but cheating is always a bad idea

[@Inseparable724365]

@@elikorn7418 I agree the perfect storm that had to happen ... I can see that

[@elikorn7418]

@@Inseparable724365 I've never cheated but I've been on the other side. Did you cheat on purpose to get out of a marriage? Why was your marriage "dead"? Was it abusive?

[@Inseparable724365]

@@elikorn7418 we both did .. felt it would give us the momentum needed to break free from our spouses .. both refused to let go with out a fight .. her husband almost a year mine almost 2 .. I eventually set her up with a friend of mine and they been married over 25 years .. I'm married to someone not involved in all that 21 years now and very happy

[@GordonPavilion]

The fact is, you can not be all things to al others, including your spouse. The institution of modern day (that is, the last few hundred years) marriage sets us all up to fail…exclusivity of providing all, to one person, is a fallacy. I am not advocating searching outside the marriage, I’m being realistic… we all fail when the template is a fairy tale.

[@eileenpillmeier3270]

Ou pegged it. Addiction.

[@TheGodfather101]

0:12 No it isnt. It takes a pathological individual to cheat. Its a pattern of behavior. Not just a spur of the moment decision. Once and cheater always a cheater.

[@laurah.7696]

Grass is greener on the other side. They think.

[@alicerayne9461]

yes they will cheat again and again, so if you been with your soul mate for 50 years or more just know that they cheated on you a lot of times XD

[@Bentoto97]

Are cheaters usually the ones facing more rejection than non-cheaters?

[@fightrrrrr]

So many reasons and excuses. Guys just like to have variety. NOTHING MORE AND NOTHING LESS. stop over analyzing it… a guy could have sex w 20 diff women and only love one. It may sound complicated and impossible, but it’s VERY TRUE

[@tinaj9621]

Sooo what's a ladies excuse for when she cheats. We also have a multitude of needs, likes , or preferences. Hence why the cheating is almost 50/50 between men or women or so close that if it's less, it's barely worth the mention. It's not about what we like cuz are you saying we all should just cheat on one another. Women make and can make the same excuse for not being loyal... if they're emotional for example, like a fella who can wine and dine them often one who is a good communicators, humorous, etc. One who sexes well and or is very attractive. So If her one exclusive partner or husband can't provide that, does that give her a pass to get close to a man who is all those things then if things get physical or flirty or she should smash too. Cuz can't excuse one or men and not women. Discipline, being loyal and honest is about character and commitment, keeping your word. So if gonna be a dog and like variety , shoot, we all do or can to one degree or other. It's a domino effect if men get a pass , well guess who's eventually gonna start making excuses, women. They should be honest and state that. Don't fall in love or tell their woman they need variety and advise so she can do the same or decide to stay or leave before any popotential heartbreak or drama for cheating occurs. Now that is the easiest part. Nine times outta 10 it's a double standard . Nah