How To Outsmart and Shut Down A Narcissist

Sometimes you cannot go no-contact with a narcissist, meaning you will be exposed to them in all sorts of settings. Dr. Les Carter explains that you still have reasonable options as you are faced with their annoying tendencies. As you mentally match your expectations with reality, you can then choose to speak up in ways that clearly let the narcissist know that you won't get sucked into their negativity.
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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, TX. In the past 40+ years he has conducted more than 65,000 counseling sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder.
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[@kymchessall7853]

Never be afraid of a narc. Behind that bully is a coward

[@cynthiafortier2540]

So true, I always felt they were cowards deep inside

[@richardstambaugh744]

A little 4 yr old

[@eabeloth7035]

Indeed..

[@kymchessall7853]

@@cynthiafortier2540 yes they are

[@kymchessall7853]

@@richardstambaugh744 not even that advanced

[@fred.k9875]

We suffer not because we are bad people we suffer because we are good around bad people.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

What a pic, Fred!! You clean up well.

[@David-eu1ms]

The white sheep among the black sheeps.

[@fred.k9875]

@@SurvivingNarcissism thanks Doc!

[@amandaliverpool3374]

Also, we ourselves aren't bad people. We are good people that bad things have happened to.

[@phyllistouchstone7136]

These people that adopted my grandchildren after my daughter passed away, blocked me from everything like I’m dead already. They don’t care

[@flash_flood_area]

Wish I'd had someone who taught me about this as a child. It would have helped me to get through decades of torment far more easily

[@kristenmarie9248]

Exactly! 👍

[@jimbobeire]

me too.

[@wisconsinfarmer4742]

Yeah. My grandmother saved my life.

[@jessiemccartney6800]

thig is everyone wants an answer. this one is one of many new answers. I trust it like I believe a mask that does nothing

[@patrick8116]

Exactly. I wish I would have at least known what to call my fathers abuse before my late 30s.

[@SHANDI1967]

A few of the best ways I’ve learned how to shut down an narcissist is to not engage with them, do not seek their approval, do your own thing, most of all, stay calm! They want you to blow your stack so they can can then turn around and point their fingers and tell everyone “ See, I told you so ( about you)”. Don’t join their circus.

[@clairewillow6475]

💯

[@angelagrech4996]

​@@clairewillow6475❤😊

[@courtneymeyers82]

I believe in standing strong and being assertive and quite disagreeable. I refuse to stifle my voice for them. My attitude is wgaf what they think about me or say. I let it be known I find them difficult and dislike them from the start If it's a network of narcs and flying monkeys, you're in the wrong place and need to move on if you want to hold onto your ethics or principles. You'll get ripped apart If you're dealing with one or two though, you can't live in fear of a smear campaign. You show your dislike and disapproval of them right from the start and act indifferent to the bs they say - they're going to do it any way

[@anderson_268]

😂😂 narcissist are comedy 😂😂

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

I don't like the smell of circuses: bulls...

[@roxyabrooks864]

Dr. Carter has helped me more than any doctor I've ever had IRL. The hallmark of a great Dr is that he makes everything highly comprehensible in a calm and wise fashion with zero ego and lots of compassion. Bravo, Doctor! You're helping more folks than you know ! I'm endlessly grateful 🌟

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks so much, you just made my day!

[@roxyabrooks864]

@@SurvivingNarcissism Thank you, too! GO TEAM HEALTHY!

[@LiveforHim73]

True, Dr Carter gets to the point and give specifics to identify. And what to do or how to react. I have note book full. I remember better taking notes. Our life is so full right now and my husband & I are in our 70’s. Never give up training the brain.

[@jms1086]

@@SurvivingNarcissism Bless you Dr. C! Thank you for spreading your knowledge with care and compassion. You make the world a better place.

[@nancytwigg4631]

Absolutely agree! Thank you, Dr. Carter.

[@flyingeaglewoman8682]

Try to have a conversation with a narcissist they don’t want to have and the response is “ I don’t want to argue with you”. They make stuff up out of whole cloth and gaslight their way out of an unpleasant conversation. This virtue signaling mode is truly disgusting and so very old. Fortunately these same people can no longer get me riled up, I see their games and dysfunction. And won’t participate. Take care and stay safe everyone.

[@karenzilverberg4699]

Thanks.

[@jimbobeire]

Great to read all the stories of people who don't let it under their skin anymore. Well done. I hope life just keeps getting better for you.

[@flyingeaglewoman8682]

@@1windyoldbird it’s not me whom’s about to get bushwhacked. Nor is me whom will be doing the bushwhacking. 🎶 It’s beginning to look a lot like treason 🎶 take care and stay safe.

[@flyingeaglewoman8682]

@@jimbobeire thank you, but everyone needs a paradigm shift. Take care.

[@jessiemccartney6800]

YOU are a Narc. why because I said so.. understand that shit yet

[@maryh.3788]

I feel that narcissists mess with your mind and mental health, it’s psychological tricks

[@vodkavuitton]

They only prey on empathy & take people's kindness to tolerate them for granted. Nobody is really dumb enough to be fooled by their psychological tricks that are every bit of obvious. They want to come clean so bad so they keep dropping clues & hints 😂😂 poor baby. Just grow TF up ✌🏽

[@nonie8873]

Married 46 years to a very intellectual narcissist. I am still learning how to protect boundaries. Emotional pain is an everyday occurrence.

[@weaviejeebies]

Going on 28 years over here. Always reversing it on me and claiming the moral high ground with his rational mind, lecturing me, using my ADHD as proof I can't play at his intellectual level. It's not a good space in which to dwell. I'm almost out of give-a-darns now, though, and decided not to enter the debate anymore or let him distract me with that overanalysis and insinuation that my feelings are in control instead of me.

[@MicahHTX]

I guess I'm not the only one.

[@triciapotter3331]

@@MicahHTX no, trust me you are not alone.

[@phoenixrisin2269]

Run

[@violet-kittychick]

The only thing I could do was to leave.. cut all ties.. cut all losses.. walk away and never go back for any more of the heartbreaking mistreatment and wrongful judgement!!

[@violet-kittychick]

@@marmaladesunrise I tried to type the things that I have seen in my life and the things that have been done to me.. but.. the KZbin censoring system automatically deleted it.. so I remain voiceless like so many survivors and victims!!

[@joan7562]

there is no other way, and why not, there is no changing the narc, their goal is to destroy, they have problems but its not our responsibility, letthem destroybeach other, we have places to be and DECENT people to meet

[@joan7562]

@@violet-kittychick your not voiceless babe, you walked, speaks volumes, dont look back, its over, your free

[@marmaladesunrise]

@@violet-kittychick NEVER give out, up or in. Your voice was & is heard by all that read what you've said here. Keep going forward. No matter how small. It all counts. ❤

[@violet-kittychick]

​@@marmaladesunrise Sadly in the real world all we want and need is for the truth to be know and for justice.. I have seen neither.. such things are make believe!! 3 attempts were made to murder me before the age of 7, my foster father was successfully murdered in front of me.. that is the better and kinder side of the things I have seen!! If I was inclined to give up or give in I would not even be here!!

[@lisamadden6367]

I've been married to my husband for over 15 years, and he has no idea who I really am. It's like he decides who I am on a daily basis. One day I'm cheating, lying, and unworthy of his trust and time, and after a day of silence, and mumbling behind my back, he's ok for a couple weeks. But like clock work every 2 to 3 weeks he has to throw a name calling accusing fit. I've had enough, I'm planning my escape, I'm gonna be homeless for a while hopefully I can find a shelter to go to.

[@realmearth5334]

My heart goes out to you. You are loved ❤

[@user-kz7dh5tv7j]

Turn to the Lord he will guide you.😢

[@privateprivate8366]

So sorry. I know what that’s like, perhaps, from a married boss I once had. Seemed like he hated me, for years. I didn’t know what was wrong, with this guy and his temper. One day, he tells me I snuck out of the office and that he didn’t trust where I went at night. When I look back, even if he’d fallen for me, I wonder if he was a narcissist. Seemed like he had a possibly long term relationship going on with me, that I wasn’t even aware of. Chased me for 4 years. But, I’d never sleep with my married boss. I also wonder if his temperament was the reason his wife dropped dead. STILL not the same as living in a house, with your kids and an abuser!!!

[@LeeHardeman-qm9ox]

That is my husband.

[@BBFCCO733]

That's the issue. We put up with so much because there's no where else to go or for the kids. It's disgusting.

[@izawaniek2568]

Narcisists opinions are irrelevant. Dignity, respect and civility matter. Thank you dr Carter❤

[@Cabroliinda]

Let there be 1 crazy person and not 2. Do not engage, don't play into their game.

[@bettydoughtery3920]

Excellent

[@georgewolfiii1170]

I once shut down a narcissist by spraying him in the face with pepper spray. After that I had no more trouble out of him ever again.

[@marieldavison5121]

Too bad DRC doesn't come in a can you can spray at someone ~ pepper spray is illegal here.😂🤣

[@rozdoyle8872]

Well Done , I was using Common Sense and wearing myself out . Now I know where I went wrong.

[@makesnodifference]

w00000t!!!!!

[@cacatr4495]

Earlier in the twentieth century, in the U.S., until about the mid-60s, parents commonly taught their children to defend themselves if a bully got physical, in order to prevent the bully from repeat violations. Apparently, it was largely effective, but in the latter 1960s the official teaching came down that "violence only breeds violence" and that parents should teach their children to solve problems in more constructive ways, such that bullies were then allowed to bully, and it only got worse, and then much worse, because discipline was taken out of the schools, parents were taught to not discipline except for talks, "time-outs" and "groundings", and now policies in the workplace appear to be weak, as bullies seem to be running amok. There's lip service, of course, but enforcement? Decades ago, there were societal standards, and generally speaking, power was not given to those that would abuse it in the workplace (on the whole), but now all we read is about the abuse of power. People used to understand the word "consequence" and narcissists don't respect anything less. They don't care about sitting down to have a chat!

[@debracappiccille6485]

My daughter is a psychopathic malignant narcissist and she is very capable of extreme physical harm. I would not do that. Narcissism is a spectrum. You have to know what you’re dealing with.

[@evelina787]

Key phrases to help disarm a narcissist: “ ...“I Can't Control How You Feel About Me” ... “I Hear What You're Saying” ... “I'm Sorry You Feel That Way” ... “Everything Is Okay” ... “We Both Have a Right to Our Own Opinions” ... “I Can Accept How You Feel” ... “I Don't Like How You're Speaking to Me so I Will not Engage” ✨☘️🙏

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

They don't like it when people call them out, tough luck for them.

[@Simplicityandkindness]

Thank you. Very much.

[@evelina787]

@@Simplicityandkindness You're Most Welcome God Bless You Abundantly & Gloriously Forevermore ✨☘️🙏

[@evelina787]

@@jackilynpyzocha662 It's immensely true God bless you ✨☘️🙏

[@blinkyy1088]

My favorite is "Let me think about that, I'll get back to you." when they ask you a question. It completely swaps the power dynamic of the conversation around and gives you complete control. I learned that off another guy on YT, genius reply.

[@rl8258]

Go no contact and sit back and watch the fireworks

[@ivanlam1304]

It takes a long time to figure these people out, they're not forthcoming about what they really want or what they really are, what a way to live!

[@christinacatalano]

Master manipulators oof. I don’t wish for their lives lol

[@vodkavuitton]

Nobody cares what they want or who they are 🤷🏾‍♀️ that's their problem not mine

[@ZarpeParadise]

Most powerful message. It's a challenge to stand up for yourself when you've been a lifelong people pleaser. Thank you for the words to say what I feel. Blessings to you and your family.

[@wisconsinfarmer4742]

Becoming healthy from the people pleasing end of the spectrum is more do-able than from the narc end of the spectrum.

[@eclectrickery8077]

You do you. You don't have to stop being a "people-pleaser". Just enjoy the response from those that appreciate it. And accept that some people are "pleased" by not being pleased with anything. That's their tragic path through life. Pity them (silently), but you can't help them. They don't want to be other than they are. BTW, listen - Really Listen - to Dr. C. ;0)

[@jessellabenedict9169]

And in my opinion it's even harder not to get into a argument with a narcissist that you've had children with.

[@pintsizestories196]

When my narcissist would try to start arguments, I learned to simply state my viewpoint and if he kept pushing I would say one time, "I've given my opinion on that." and then not reply anymore. Drove him crazy! I realized that part of the control was drawing me into arguments. With time, he realized he couldn't poke me enough to get a reaction and the arguments lessened. It can be really hard to be silent when he said outrageous lies and insults, but silence has been really helpful for me.

[@jimbobeire]

Well done, that's a great way to handle it.

[@PC-ch1md]

Same, it’s like they bait you to have an argument. I noticed the simple discussion usually ends up in bad arguments. Sometimes I leave the room as soon as I notice that it would get heated up soon and sometimes at the start of the cool conversation I would tell him make sure u don’t make this discussion to an argument. I know you narcissists and your playbook. He was shocked when I told him that. Once I even told him you know the first minute of our conversation I already knew you would turn this into an argument and I’m right. I left after I told him that.

[@ImpulsoCreativo9322]

Very true

[@theorganizedplaylist8956]

Ironic when one of their favorite things to say is, "I don't want to argue about this."

[@morebirdsandroses]

Thanks. I've got a situation that I think calls for this. Can't totally avoid her so I need tactics for when she does pop up. I expect I may get some hoovering and want to be ready!

[@brucefriedman1]

Manipulating others for ones own gain is by definition evil. And given evil is part of creation, the only way to outsmart it is by being resolute in ones conviction in that which is good.

[@RN-gx7wt]

I use more contrivance than leaving things by chance, manipulation goes two ways the good and the bad, the bad becomes exploitative or mainly a messenger of certain entitlement, these are two area's who do not work at the end of the day and will become quite fast abusive stances. Once you notice manipulation as a one way street you can simply state No, nothing will be more clear. I don't believe in evil as creation, I still think its main engine is dysfunction as with intend its usual suspect something is clearly lacking something essential to function.

[@gh0stcat387]

My mother is a religious narcissist and control freak who suffers from bipolar and psychosis. Yup it's as fun as it sounds. There's no shutting down people like that just run for your life.

[@ZLLi661]

Yep my grandiose narc father was extremely cruel and abusive as my beloved Mum was dying from cancer. She was gone 10 weeks after diagnosis. Doctors gave her longer but my father had other plans. Sick pos. Coupled with early onset dementia that he completely denies and which Mum has hidden from us kids for quite a few years, he is an unhinged timebomb living in a fantasy. He won’t alienate the golden child coz she is as vile vicious, sadistic and abusive as him. I knew he was finally on the slide down as Mum was dying coz for the first time in my sisters 57 years he was abusive to her once while Mum was dying. She rang me in tears in complete shock. I asked her if she was ok and said this is every interaction with me as far back as I can remember so I understood how awful he is. As soon as Mum died she flipped back to the lying manipulative viscous abuser she was the first 22 yrs of her life. After the 10th time she verbally attacked me and prevented me from attending the spreading of our mothers ashes saying I’ve made everyone’s life a misery.. you are no longer welcome as part of the family, It’s your fault mum suffered as she was dying and it’s your fault Dad treats you the way he does” that was it. my husband heard that on the phone and his face was like how it was the first time he saw how my father always speaks at me. I said I’m going, hung up and cut the psycho out of my life. I’ve gone no contact. And will stay no contact. She was predatory in her physical violence against me and extremely verbally abusive with every unsupervised interaction and thus unsafe to be around the first 22yrs of her life and at 57 she reverted back to what she does best. Being a predatory depraved abuser now also targeting my own kids just once was enough. Thank god they are adults and know abusive behavior and don’t put up with it. I was ‘groomed’ by my father to accept his abuse and misogyny as ‘normal’ and belted into submission as a child if I didn’t accept my sister also terrorizing me. What is upsetting is that she is manipulating the extended family to ignore not only me but ignore my children also. Maybe one day soon Karma will stop her depravity. 🙏

[@janes.mclean4475]

Years ago when I dated a narcissist and had not had much experience of being around people at social gatherings, this happened. We were in a restaurant with a bunch of people at a big, round table. I started telling a joke and was really excited snd enthusiastic about what I was doing. I could tell that people were listening to me. As I got close to the punchline of the joke, my boyfriend started drumming his fingers on the table. I asked him not to do that. He made even louder drumming sounds. When I said to him that he was distracting me, he Apologized to the group about me!!!!! He said that I didn’t know how to behave in public!!!!! I never did get to finish telling the joke. At the time I only thought he was being unfair and being a jerk. I did not know anything at all about narcissism at that time. Apparently, he could Not stand for me to be successful at doing anything. This incidence was the beginning of him saying and doing many controlling and negative things to me. I wish that I had been able to stop seeing him much sooner than I did.

[@cacatr4495]

We didn't know what we didn't know. Now we know. Everyone has their learning curve. It *does feel like wasted time we spent around those people, but we didn't know, and the past is the past. We can be thankful that phase is past. I'm sure that many here understand.

[@Lifetalk849]

The good thing is that you escaped from his clutches and have learned a precious truth!!! Best wishes for love & prosperity 👍

[@avrilmiles]

My X would say "You don't know how to tell a joke. I'll tell it". I stopped telling jokes, and didn't laugh at his jokes.

[@southernbelle6564]

Yes! My narc husband has something negative to say or complain about every time he opens his mouth and sound comes out. They cannot be changed, don't fool yourself into thinking otherwise. It causes a huge deficit in the happiness and quality of life category for those of us that are stuck with them. My poor husband has no clue that he absolutely darkens the room wherever he goes. Johnny rain cloud. It's hard to live with somebody like this and totally amazes me that he has no sense of how repugnant his behavior really is. I swear his veins runneth with some kind of flammable fluid and not blood😂🤣

[@DesertlizzyThe]

🤣👍

[@mattrennie6876]

what if they fully become aware of their traits though? My wife comes from a grandiose narcissist father and a covert narc mother and she has pulled all the tactics ect of a covert narc herself. In saying that we, she is aware of what she has done to me over the years and really does try to help herself. I feel bad for her as she had a very rough upbringing, some of the stuff I have witnessed and she has told me about has shocked me to the core and she is very damaged by it. Everyone deserves love and no one is perfect, especially not me.

[@cacatr4495]

@@mattrennie6876 Your spouse, having witnessed those behaviors from their parents, learned those from having lived with them. That doesn't mean your spouse is a narcissist. With them, it might just be learned-behavior, that can be unlearned. When people say that Ns can't change, they aren't talking just about learned behaviors, but about intrinsic traits that won't be broken.

[@-Dionne-]

My husband is that way too. It's intolerable.

[@andrewsmith3257]

​@@mattrennie6876 doesn't matter they are garbage

[@Bea-wb9uk]

Avoidant and unfair are two words I think of. They never give you the fair chance you deserve. They are avoiding intimacy and it's cold and makes their relationships colder. They are not interested in giving you warmth in your presence. They avoid all manners.

[@cacatr4495]

It's "funny" (telling, revealing) how we can look back to those years and see that there were no actual relationships. Like you said, they avoided intimacy, they were cold and they didn't care about getting to know their children. With many of us, our parents never bothered to get to know us, there was no trustworthy one-on-one, heartfelt, deep conversation.

[@maryannsiegel5619]

It's like living with a Nobody. No conversation, no intimacy. Just arguing with him until now, I really need these conversations I'm reading. There are women like me what their spouses are doing to them !

[@Bea-wb9uk]

@@maryannsiegel5619 Makes you wish there was a class on compatible marriages and relationships in high school doesn't it? the arguing is what feeds them. I hate the addiction to agitation. There is more to life than fighting. Create your own peaceful space.

[@blackhannahofficial]

I was relieved when you stated, narcissist are toxic. The narcissists women in my family, just keep destroying generation after generation. But the buck stops 🛑 Here. I'm not the Fam-fave bc I challenge this way of being, but that's perfectly fine with me. Thank you for all you do doc to give effective tools to us who have to deal with persons with this trait.

[@TC-gx3qn]

Good for you! The future generations will benefit greatly from your commitment to emotional healthiness.

[@jimbobeire]

@@TC-gx3qn I second that comment it's almost exactly what I was going to write!

[@TC-gx3qn]

@@jimbobeire 😁 Have a great day!

[@1948rambo]

Good for you! Awareness does make the difference doesn’t it?? Keep fighting the GOOD fight OF CHANGE

[@JackieLovesSailing]

I like your statement "I am not the Fam-Fave bc I challenge this way of being..." I actually always knew I was not the Fam-Fave, and the scape-goat. What a mess all of my life! I am now my exit from a very narcissistic elderly Mom. Thanks to my Dad talking to me right before he passed years ago, I learned so much about how I was treated. He didn't know the origin of it, but I when he said "Your Mom has always been jealous of you," I went into discovery mode and found out my Mom was actually very much narcissist. It's not an easy road to come to terms with, but well worth it! I'm losing family members in the process, but it's now their turn to be her "subjects" of outbursts and abuse.

[@mjharris5999]

The narc DOES take the time to get to know people; however, it is only to evaluate how the other people can be manipulated to the narcs benefit.

[@emmsue1053]

Yes, its called the "love bombing stage". Sadly its just to find out your insecurities & to encourage you to confide your "secrets".

[@kimhumiston2686]

They also take the time to get to know you to see what benefit you will be to them.

[@demigaines5644]

Outsmarting And Shutting Down A Narcissists Is Cutting Off All Contact Living A Healthy Stress Free Life…

[@kristenmarie9248]

🎯💯👍

[@mythologic]

I used to work for Amazon as a delivery driver. There were all kinds of extreme personalities that came into that very temporary and unsatisfactory profession including narcissists. For some reason this job attracted so many of them. In any case, I had to deal with more than a few. One of them was very manipulative and rude to most everyone including me. Once I saw this was a habit I made FORMAL complaints about him. This worked ultimately after 4 official complaints to Amazon's HR which came down on him very hard. He finally did stop harassing me. I believe no method could have been able to stop him other than making an articulate, well-written, well documented, and truthful report on the guy's behavior. Also ... I heard several months ago that he was fired. Sometimes, such narcissists will IMPLODE and create their own miserable fate by their narcissism which no one can tolerate. Evil will be punished always. It is a metaphysical principle.

[@AlwaysStampinVideos]

Sorry you had to deal with that on the job. That had to be so frustrating. It’s hard enough to have to get up and go to work some days. Then having to know you had to go into work just to have to deal with that had to have been super exhausting. I’m glad it was finally taken care of by HR. What you said about them imploding sounds like you’ve done a good job listening to DrC… that and you are living proof DrC knows his stuff. Happy to be on Team Healthy with ya!

[@mythologic]

@@AlwaysStampinVideos I appreciate your compassion. The good guys will never lose in the end.

[@aaronkwolfe]

I watched another stream recently about how to win in court against a narcissist. The key takeaway was to not label them and then try to prove it. But rather, to document with verifiable information those symptoms and let others come to the same realization. They will believe their own conclusions far more than any accusation you can make.

[@mythologic]

@@aaronkwolfe Very good. It takes someone with the skill and erudition of Dr. Les Carter to prove someone is a narcissist and worse. However, keeping a detailed log of the narcissist's actions and how he does them really helped me.

[@marieldavison5121]

@@aaronkwolfe I agree Aaron ~ everyone is calling everyone a Narc now it seems. I find if you feel wronged/disrespected always be specific in the description of the behavior. Rather than placing a label on someone. Instead of saying "they" are bullying me maybe say specifically "who" and what they did when. That's more productive. If you identify a specific behavior you can work on that. I liked when I would pick my daughter up from daycare the caregivers would always say "today" we were quite happy with Marie sharing her Lego and being a good helper and we are working on settling when she is asked to go for nap in the afternoon. There was no labelling just specific behaviors successful and less successful. Great point you got me thinking. Merry Christmas & I hope you have a great New Year.

[@js6546]

Watch Dr C's videos and learn all you can about narcissism. When they try their childlike manipulative tactics, it then becomes possible to just observe the behaviour and even find some of it amusing. When you don't feel the need to react, they have been shut down for good. They hate a passive victim and become frustrated and enraged when they cannot trigger a response. Another way to shut them down is to walk away. Merry Christmas Dr C! I hope you and your family have a wonderful Christmas and New Year🎄Thank you for all your help.

[@marieldavison5121]

Yep JS Grey Rock ~ many narcs just don't exist in my world anymore ~ I want peace. Merry Christmas to you to JS. Cheers.🙂☃🎄

[@0blivvy8]

It IS so childlike! As a kid, I saw my narc mother more as another child than an adult. By the time I reached my early teen years, I felt that I was more emotionally mature than her. When she has her tantrums or rages, I often see a toddler in front of me. I've tried many times to be supportive, loving, reassuring, compassionate, and helpful to her, but she's incapable of doing the same.

[@wisconsinfarmer4742]

I find his analysis just about totally accurate. I was engaged to one over 35 years ago and she admitted that she picked fights with me so she could feel alive. Then, of course, she denied saying it. I was a life changing episode that caused me to look deeply within. So in that way I am grateful.

[@wisconsinfarmer4742]

@@0blivvy8 You have described the dynamic between my daughter and my grand daughter. Grand daughter lives with me now.

[@0blivvy8]

@@wisconsinfarmer4742 Wow! Amazing that you're taking care of your granddaughter! I always wished I had someone else to live with besides my mother. None of my family sees how toxic she is because she's so sweet and innocent around everyone else and tells them what a horrible daughter I am.

[@indiaandrews6996]

My narcissistic parents wants me to say negative things about someone, so that she can triangulate me with that person. I have been positive in the face of my mother’s negativity to good effect. My mother gets visibly frustrated with my positivity. She ends the conversation and walks away quickly.

[@grantaugustyniak6667]

My favorite phrase to Narcs when this happens - “ that is not my experience with --- “ ( actually say the persons name the Narc is referring to) this shuts them down fast. Meaning this is not open for conversation.

[@fluffbabiesRcrazy]

I love that Gus gets identified at the beginning ❤️

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

He is a member of #TeamHealthy

[@fresnoniiji]

In my experience its better to limit social interaction. Acknowledge and ignore. Keep it short and sweet. Avoid them without them being aware of it. Being honest with a narss is a waste of time

[@Rana0211]

I’m no longer getting into any kind of conversations with the narcissist in my life. I just let him go on and on. When I used to say something about how my opinion is different and try to explain it, he would start an argument about how I’m always contradicting him and how this is the only thing I care about (which is to contradict him). I’m no longer trying to force out my opinions. I keep them to myself and not give him the pleasure of an argument.

[@makesnodifference]

Gray rock champeen!

[@susanq6398]

Gave up having an opinion on anything a long time ago. If my narc really didn’t like what you were saying the violence would start.

[@shahadah1451]

1. The Narcissist is a troubled person, a complaint machine, down on my case, and I am not going to get suckered in, despite their intermittent (inconsistent) reinforcement. They are not inclined to look at the inner parts of issues. 2. I won't be argumentative, and I won't let them get to me. 3. "I don't share your thoughts with you.". "Those people that you're complaining about, here's what I like about them.". ."I know that that opinion is very important to you, but it's not an opinion that I share.". I see myself as unique and distinct. Well, we differ, don't we?"

[@jaclynmarie5747]

Boy, did this video come at a perfect time. Many of the narcissists in our lives are entitled to have us at their celebrations today and tomorrow. Lol. If we don’t go, it’s because there is something wrong with us, not because of how they treated us. I’m the controlling one if I refuse to let them control myself, my husband, and our kids. I don’t agree with them and I’ll try hard to be calm in their faces today.

[@Datb2]

omg esp bdays its so annoying. so glad to be free of that shit

[@carolnahigian9518]

Glad some People passed- all 4 facilitators of Drama KIN AND windy the Winded Cousin ( nasty Folks)!!!

[@anka2112]

Yes, you can say that you are also having your own celebration this year with husband and children and wish them an happy Christmas!

[@jimbobeire]

Oh, we did this last night. My ex wife invited me and the kids to her house. My kids laughed at the idea, but I suggested we use the opportunity to try ask for some of their stuff back. Anyhow we get there, and we're all calm and polite, meet her new boyfriend and his two kids (he seems overly grateful for her attention cos he's bald and has two kids, which is a hindrance in the superficial dating market). So, I was nice to him. He's from Poland, so I even spoke to him in Polish (I'm not Polish). Anyhow, my oldest daughter asked politely if she could have some of her books from her old room. She paid for them herself from her own money. My ex is so controlling she won't let the kids have their books or their musical instruments, _or_ their passports. Well, we stayed calm and polite, but she didn't just say 'no'... she said 'no' and threatened to call the cops on her 16 y.o daughter, who had simply _asked_ for her books back. So, we politely informed her that we were leaving. This was less than 5 minutes after we walked in the front door. I hope her new boyfriend got a wake up call from that. If she treats her own kids like that, she will have even less regard for his kids. We didn't raise our voices or loose our calm. I reminded the kids often, we can't control how they act, just how we respond, and they've learned that lesson well.

[@tiffcat1100]

@@jimbobeire Big fat well done to you guys for refusing to engage & fall into one of their fav traps, contention/dissension

[@moscowcowboy_13]

. One of the gems I picked up in alcoholism recovery was the phrase "some of us are sicker than others", which is a kind, non judgemental way of accepting the facts of others' inadequacies and allow them to be, while being grateful that we are not as sick as them.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Good way to put it.

[@cacatr4495]

Narcissists would take that as a slam. We can be completely polite, and they still see things as slams.

[@fightthegoodfightoffaithmi8676]

2 Peter 2:14 Having eyes full of adultery, and that cannot cease from sin; beguiling unstable souls: an heart they have exercised with covetous practices; cursed children: Jude 1:10 But these speak evil of those things which they know not: but what they know naturally, as brute beasts, in those things they corrupt themselves.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Good summary.

[@jonathanwest3062]

I've told my mother that her prejudices are not mine. I can figure that out for myself. The control freak can't handle the response.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

So be it.

[@rickydale1347]

I’m 60, already. I’m a super empath who has overcome a lot in childhood and whose father was and wife is a covert narcissist. I’ve been learning from Dr. Carter and Dr. Ramina for four and one half years and counting. It’s my belief that a narcissist or anyone for that matter can’t harm you if they don’t get the reaction they desire/require. There words hold nothing. When “nuthin” Bama slang bothers you it’s impossible for anyone’s words to harm you so i just frustrate the heck out of the wife. I never give her what she is fishing for. She’s been exposed, busted, revealed, ripped her mask right off and her true self brought to light. They get even more scared when you tell them exactly how they feel inside and why they feel that way. Also when I give comparisons of normal behavior vs narcissist behavior. I always do this when she has just shown a related narcissist trait. She will answer the opposite way she just acted out. She can’t explain why. She just drops her head like darn i have to be messed up to say one thing and do another. Her face always turns away like, darn he’s got me pegged and he knows it. I truly believe i can break down the worst of the worst until they implode or take off running. I’m extremely mentally strong. What doesn’t break you strengthens and educates you. I show her what she is most uncomfortable with, and that is herself all alone with her fears. For a super empath it’s a pleasure. We don’t give a darn about anyone opinions but our own and we don’t waste time and energy on anything unproductive or negative. By having an ISTJ personality type helps.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks, Ricky Dale!!

[@stevebennett6593]

That is one happy little dog :)

[@danarchambault8723]

I just stay away from narcs , so much easier and peaceful , im retired and dont have to deal with anyone i choose not to

[@dinky-diridgy-didge636]

Oh yes please I need this info, They are like a broken record, the obsessing over same bs. It's so incredibly distressing

[@normasaldana1546]

I am free now and HAPPY 😅 and because I'm being blessed from the best they still miserable, they can't complain about me anymore 😂I'm SOOOO GRATEFUL

[@janewild9150]

It’s so so so exhausting having to live in a fight or flight mode 24/7.

[@cacatr4495]

which is why it's so important to separate from them completely and permanently, going no-contact, disappearing from their radar.

[@steveguitarman1488]

I was recently called a narcissist by a narcissist himself. Because I stood my ground with him and he started fake crying and told me that I've really hurt him.

[@makesnodifference]

You know what's awesome, when you point out how fake their tears are and laugh at their "pain." Of course it incenses them but that's as close as they can come to understanding how they made someone else feel.

[@JR-ej9up]

Yikes

[@Noname-cm9hn]

That‘s because you hurt him. You didn‘t react the way he wanted, that has caused a narcisstic injury. The narcicisst was wounded. And when he saw, that his doing was Not successful, he started an other nacisstical technic, blame shift.

[@cacatr4495]

When I was 14, I first realized that the N in my presence was a chameleon: one could watch their "gears shift" as their thought processes sought to find different tactics that they thought might work. They'd go from one tactic to the next. I didn't know the word "narcissism" then, but I could see they were a manipulator, evil, and a chameleon, and that their "charm" was as a warning flag.

[@blinkyy1088]

I think a lot of narcissistic victims are discovering narcissists and narcissistic abuse by this very ironic trait. They are told they are narcissistic, and then look up narcissism, only to realize the abusive narcissist that accused them was mirroring

[@krazy4katzkim]

I do these things and don't let my self get sucked in anymore & don't engage and even done no contact and my Narc will say, "ok I won't bother you anymore and will leave you alone". And then I'm so happy with that and say to myself "FINALLY". It might be fine for a day or week or so, and then here she comes again starting in on anything she can think of, and it just seems to be an endless cycle.

[@christinacatalano]

It’s almost comedic - because we are healed and it’s like, damn Daniel get a life 😂💀

[@dakotachilders5827]

After a long and troubled history in a narcissistic relationship I leaned that my behavior is all that matters. I established myself and a person of integrity, the people around me came to know that I am on the up and up. This is not a ploy or a tactic it's just who I am and that integrity became my armor against the arrows of her narcissism.

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

Yes! I do the same thing. I just want people to see that the narcissist isn't who he portrays himself to be. Yet, few people want to believe me. Sad!

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

I refuse to be a target(arrows reference)!

[@ivoconceicao666]

Hi Carter, Gus and team, you changed my life and thousands of others, forever grateful. Regarding "outsmart and shut down a narcissist", it's best not to argue, not to answer, it's the biggest waste of time ever, the most trigering ever for a person who is healing, not taking the bait, not us get involved. Their opinion matters ZERO, their regulation matters ZERO, and what they think of us or others matters LESS THAN ZERO. Happy holidays everyone and thanks again. Kindest regards

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks, Ivo!

[@71280Carmen]

@@SurvivingNarcissism Merry Christmas!

[@openbuddhistforuminternational]

One of good methods to shut the narcissist down : think about them as completely unimportant and ignoring them ! 😃 Let the SOVEREIGNTY REIGNS 🥰

[@mostHigh23]

I will never forget or let down my guard of who he is.... now that I know.

[@teddyroberts308]

What they really hate is dealing with someone who's confident and strong. I deal with a couple narcissists in my workplace. I find it very easy to shut down those individuals. Because I'm a confident and strong woman.

[@jackilynpyzocha662]

My dad is this way, he can't stand to have his eldest daughter to be right and him wrong, then he takes a lecturing/controlling tone to invalidate what I say, as if he knows better. He thinks he can still yell, hit or control me, no matter how old I am(59). He expects me to bend to his will. He thinks he's perfect and that only his convenience, needs matter. He nitpicks at me. He rarely honors my boundary(call before showing up at my door), usually at his convenience. Then gives me his version of why he didn't call first "I was busy, visiting others, didn't have the time to call" He gave me 5 minutes to get ready. I complained, then waited almost 15 minutes for him. This was my birthday, he was mean and lazy.

[@ManningAshley98]

This is so crazy that ive been in this konda relationship for 5 years and i was really starting to believe that i was the problem. Made me i was rhis awful ass person. I got into such a depression and started hating myself. I couldnt get anything right it didnt matter what i said or how calm i said it i was wrong. The control took over mylife. This is spot on

[@NeonCicada]

"I understand that's the way you think and feel -- and that's the way you think and feel" _(a neutral response for shutting argumentative people down...repeat as needed)_

[@holmavik6756]

When listening to this, one thing after another falls into place. It was like lightning in a dark night. A master narcisist at our dept sent a email to all staff, explaining how incompetent I am. I replied by clarifying that I am not scared of him, cc to everyone. And holy sh*t, the reply was the worst case of bullying and humiliation I have ever seen. I can take that, but I am still perplexed by his reaction, just because I said that I’m not scared of him. Fascinating…

[@ghostfoto...3714]

Your videos really helped me to understand..My Son. He's in jail because I drew a line, I enforced a boundary. Now I am dead to him.....but I also understand now better than ever...the invalidation, the gas lighting. The constant stomping on my self-worth. Anyway it is Christmas Eve, and I see the Doggo in the background...God Bless you and YOurs, Merry Christmas!!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thank you, and Merry Christmas.

[@suskelleykelley7241]

I think deep down he admires and respects you from a distance. My firstborn son went no contact with me for 10 long painful years. I cried every holiday and out of the blue 2 years ago he called and said " Hello Mom? This is your son and I never stopped loving you and can you ever forgive me for being so evil?" Folks; I burst into tears because I almost gave up then he told me I was a grandma to his 4 yr old son in which I didn't know about!!

[@valleygirl2530]

Right. It’s called Taking the air out of their tires. Sometimes it’s not worth the effort though. Narcissists are driven to suck all the energy out of people. Or the room. Don’t give it.

[@mireadossantos4610]

My response is (I have my opinion and you have yours so there is no point in carrying on the conversation) and I switch off completely and I put my mind into something else that makes me feel good. I'm getting better everyday. Dealing with a narcissist is very difficult so if you love yourself a bit don't let him/her destroy you. Your life is more important.

[@mostHigh23]

Mines try to get me out of my comfort zone last night but I wasn't going. I sometimes have to talk to him we have a child together but I only speak to him about the child and he does not like that. So funny to see him squirm because he wants me to act on things he says and I just don't give him the time of day.

[@makesnodifference]

That's how to do! 👍👍👍

[@reneeenglish389]

Yep, they are scared of their own shadow

[@e.d.3729]

At long last, I feel at peace about the narcissist in my life. Not when I'm actually around him of course! But that's not very often anymore. I no longer feel tormented when I'm not around him though. It took FOREVER to realize this, but there's nothing I could have said or done to prevent him from exploding. There's no amount of NON-reaction and silence I could have maintained that would have prevented it. Because he just doesn't see me as a person. I'm just a trigger. Something to react to. And while no one is able to see reality with perfect clarity, his perception of it is SO distorted that he just can't see me at all. So why should I be upset if he's not even reacting to me but to a figment of his mind. Anyway, thanks Dr. C and happy holidays.

[@melaw5]

Well put. Thank you for the reminder.

[@ImpulsoCreativo9322]

Its scary, they live in fantasy most of the time. And u are right, they don't see us.

[@cacatr4495]

You are describing neurological dysregulation. It is happening between their ears. They are not actually reacting to others at all: they are triggered from within, and can "go off" by themselves. It can be seen when they're doing something by themselves, in silence, like loading the dishwasher, when things (outwardly) appeared to be fine, and then in their eyes, you can perceive a dark difference, like a "dark cloud" coming over them, and with no one around them, about 5 minutes later, they are in a rage. Dogs can see it coming, so when the dog leaves the room that person is in, we need to follow the dog to the opposite end of the place, away from that person. They *are neurologically dysregulated, their "wiring" is haywire. They're not well.

[@secondhorizon]

Wear a White-Lab-Coat (metaphorically) and maintain proper clinical detachment.

[@RatedArggg]

Using this technique doesn't always neutralize a narcissist. Sometimes it makes them madder.

[@cacatr4495]

What is on the inside of their own skull can make them madder (ie., as in madness), as they are neurologically dysregulated and triggered by their own "wiring." They're not well.

[@donnas411]

If I only knew about these type of people. Through these videos, I’ve learned so much. I’m focusing on myself now.

[@Smashley1]

My narc is SO angry with me tonight- I’ve been struggling in general recently. We had a big meeting for our son and he promised he would come to support me, I found out as the meeting was starting that he wasn’t coming which made it even harder. It was a rough meeting and today my stomach has been really messed up. He wanted to go to the casino but I told him (probably for the first time ever) that I didn’t want to go. Now he’s home and making as much noise as possible while talking badly about me. AirPods in and I’m watching this. ❤

[@Novemberrain111]

They are soooo drainning!

[@sarabrown4937]

Boy, I’ve heard it all! I just went dormant every time he was around I would not argue! Could not win anyways! Thank the lord he finally left 8 months ago and have not heard on word from him. Yea!!

[@suzanne4396]

I shut him down by telling the primary source that I'd been the secondary source for over 8 years; even tho I didn't know about her til almost 5 years in. He lost his mind; she kicked him out & won't let him see his child. And I blocked him. Sure enough. After 10 days he got a new # and started texting me again. Unbelievable. Blocked again. And he blames ME for everything that happened ... I blocked him again. Never will take responsibility for what he caused. 🙄

[@makesnodifference]

STAY STRONG. Eyes on the future. You leave the smoldering shitheap behind and think of all the good dates you'll have getting free meals and drinks from hot single dudes. You got this.

[@maryebner]

This topic came at a perfect time as I am so frustrated discovering narcs at every corner! Now that I know more, I keep encountering them often! I had a rude prime gaslighter on phone when I called for insurance quote other day! Unreal how this girl treated me for questioning her nonsense. Gaslighting my every harmless comment of my expectation from my past policy. I am getting very reactive to these narcs and going off on them so angry and that’s not my usual self. How do we keep our cool and deal with them so rest of our day isn’t angry because we just hate this abuse with a passion now doc! My trauma is so triggered now 🤦‍♀️ Okay I need to not take it so personal and tell them kindler that I don’t appreciate this conversation and cut them off without getting angry. I got angry and blasted her for gaslighting and listened to see what she would say after that, and when it was not a apology, I just told her I can’t continue this conversation with you and you just lost a customer.

[@sage9836]

There is a video somewhere about when you figure it out, you see them everywhere. My opinion, that is because of two things. 1 You now have a detection system that lets you know. 2 My figuring is that few narcissists exist, and those few go around searching for new supply in every encounter with every person all day, every day. It can really beat up on your morale. But you are ahead of their game.

[@maryebner]

@@sage9836 yes I see them all now and often and it’s like a nightmare and now I am badly reactive to them. Ugh 😩

[@maryebner]

@@sage9836 this male was a husband of someone but he definitely wasn’t looking for me as supply as they live in Michigan and me in FL and they did a Airbnb with me. He felt the urge to subtly covertly insult me twice and I was so shocked! It was as if he wanted to let me know he was a narcissist but not sure he was that aware of his lifelong insulting behavior as it’s so engraved in him! I think it’s a whole lot more than a few narcissists out there as I got a new 80 yr old neighbor female that’s worst overt Narc I ever met and when I confronted her about it, she replied “I guess I need to read a book on how to treat people better” 🤦‍♀️ I also met horrible gaslighter Narc on the phone just calling for a insurance quote too 3 days ago!!! I feel scared honestly when I come across them! It’s almost everyone I come across! Crazy 😝

[@susanparker9877]

Try out Dan O'Connor's videos. That's his specialty and you'll get a few chuckles too.

[@maryebner]

@@sage9836 maybe I define supply wrong??? I think of a mate they have as supply, but maybe supply is anyone and everyone they can target as their personality with that gaslighting is so deep that it comes out on a tone they speak to??!! Hmmmm broader supply perhaps. Tks you got me thinking.

[@rllght]

A minute spent with a narcissist is a minute wasted. I just want to shut them down the moment they open their mouth and send them on their way. I wish you a very happy, loving and peaceful end of year holidays with Gus, your family and loved ones, Dr. C. It's been 2 years since I found your channel, and the way you articulate everything narcissism and narcissists is extremely thorough, comprehensible and logical, simply on another level. I benefitted from your knowledge tremendously, but there're still so much I need to learn about myself and how to protect myself from the evil and foulness of narcissism. I look towards your teaching, your kindness and generosity. Thank you very much for what you do.

[@buzzedup8299]

It helps to encounter those type of people because you become strong and once you leave you get to keep it.

[@QwikAdDotCom]

A timely message before Christmas. I wonder how many families are groaning and moaning because of that narcissist coming to their party tomorrow. 😲

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

I timed it for that specific reason!

[@makesnodifference]

@@SurvivingNarcissism That's how amazing you are, Dr. Les! 💖

[@SewDiva5691]

Autonomy comes to mind Dr C. Being comfortable in your own skin. When one can live a thriving life and strangers say “you’ve been through that hardship? I couldn’t tell.” Then you’re more than halfway there. (Still working on getting there. Lol) I want to wish you Dr C, your loved ones and Team Healthy a Merry Christmas and a even Better DRC New Year!🎉🎉🎉

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks so much, SewDiva. Merry Christmas to you as well. #TeamHealthy

[@RN-gx7wt]

Sounds idealistic, you thrive for yourself for sure, but I wouldn't trust the strangers to have knowledge of any hardship, more common people aren't interested most of the times (how you doings? Probably are Great fade aways) and that wouldn't be too weird of a common choice. They are interested in success story's for sure, but the how to get there, is usual on deaf ears, unless you meet someone that actually has been through the same, you probably end up sharing an experience, but in relationships, or friendships even, it doesn't work that they see how you would have been through any hardship. Again most people are interested in having a good time. Unfortunately for those who have been through hardship. So yea this all doesn’t have to end up as a burden. As shown. Human behavior usual seeks the easiest way as that is more commonly accepted. Have a nice day.

[@SewDiva5691]

Thanks for your input R N. You have a nice day, too

[@ValerieSue]

I needed this before I head into the war zone tomorrow for Christmas. Praying ahead of time too. Thank you Dr Carter. PS …. Gus was full on blanket today cause it’s sooooo cold. 😁

[@jimbobeire]

Good luck. We had it last night at my ex wifes house. My daughters and I were calm and polite the entire time we were there (which was about 5 minutes at most). Met the latest meek boyfriend and his two sweet shy kids. (her favorite kind of target). Made polite small talk, even switched it to his native language cos he moved her from Poland years ago. There were a few little provocations, which we just deflected, and continued being civil and changed the subject ... praised the decorations, and how elegantly dressed the boyfriends kids were. Then it erupted when my oldest daughter (16) politely asked if she could have some of her books from her old room. My three girls left their mothers house with only what they could carry over 3 years ago. Well, 'mommy dearest' didn't just say 'no' , she got up, raised to her full 5'10" in height and said "NO!, you're not taking them. I'll call the cops! Is that what you want, the cops coming here on Christmas Eve". A few years ago, that would have upset us, and we'd either be submissive or argumentative. We've learned a lot since then, mostly to deliberately respond, rather than emotionally react. We politely said our goodbyes to the boyfriend and his kids, took our coats and calmly walked out the door without another word. I'm proud of how the kids kept calm and polite the whole time. I think she just waved a massive red flag in front of her latest target, the new boyfriend. I just hope his blindfold isn't on so tight that he didn't see it. Although he did look confused by the whole spectacle.

[@dahkotawilber612]

It's so hard to deal with this sometimes. My heart starts racing even if I'm not upset or anything, and I know what's coming and happening. Wish I had saw this a long time ago. Thank you, good people know what the right things to do are

[@anka2112]

Merry Christmas, freedom and peace to you all, members of this beautiful community. 💚🎄 Is there others spending Christmas alone ? If so , remember that we are not alone. We have each other’s 🤗

[@loekiekanters4295]

So we must speak up, yes! sister-in-law at dinner: my daughter is difficult. Everyone in the family knows that she adores her son and more often portrays her daughter as difficult. No one dares to stand up for her daughter. The next time I say, ‘that's your opinion, I see a successful business woman.’ I love your advice to say: ‘I understand you think that way, I think different’.

[@71280Carmen]

Thanks from France, Dr Carter , for your daily (almost) presence. I am French, a musician, and your southern drawl is a joy, and music.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Merci!

[@djrdjr8888]

Thanks for posting today Dr. Carter. It was so thoughtful of you. For many of us, this is the most painful time of the year. I also believe you are well aware of that, and that is why you posted on Christmas Eve, even though nobody would blame you for taking the holiday weekend off. God's love channels through you, it pours right out of your heart, right through my screen, and then into my heart. Thanks for the lift when I needed it most.💖

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks so much, David. Merry Christmas!

[@natinamack5123]

Well said! 🙌🏽🎯👏🏼🙏🏽

[@DrNancyLivingCoCreatively]

Painful lesson to do business w one. He tried to impress me w his law skills when I mentioned an insight in my life. He's rarely has shown me his skills but said he could fix it. He's an advocate convinced me charging wouldn't work.....no more. I reminded him I'm 10 years older and I know a few things then let go. Let's pray I receive what he owes and more comes. I don't want to argue. His pessimism is not mine. Peace and love as best as I am able. I would love a wise man in my life....

[@RN-gx7wt]

There are many, you just have to give the right signal out yourself as well, it goes two ways. Peace out.

[@DrNancyLivingCoCreatively]

For example?

[@RN-gx7wt]

Any male who has good mental health, has sense of purpose, is emotional mature, is able to reciprocate. Men and women aren't the same! Don't expect that, but the balance comes in between the strongest bond you will be able to experience if things work out, if things do not work out know when to say No, and thank the other side! No need to dwell on it, whole world full of great individuals, who could be a compliment towards your life and yours to theirs. Have a nice Xmas.

[@debpatriot9557]

Yes., but with no conscience or guilt.,.so the are dangerous because they act and lie so well!

[@courtneymeyers82]

Love all of what you said. Don't let them shame you or guilt you, you remember they're projecting it onto you - because they're the ones commiting fraud, lying, cheating stealing, abusing and some even worse You remind yourself you haven't done anything shameful that qualifies scorn and wrath. You stand your ground and use calm force on them, as you said - love. Weaponize your intelligence against them, because they're a lot of them ignorant bullies. Don't let them gaslight or insult your intelligence

[@winterwunderland]

I have found that with my husband there is, at some point, a price to pay for withdrawing...withdrawing to my own space in our home. With his high need for attention, he will literally come into my room and let-me-have-it, even rage and go off in all kinds of directions of meanness. Sometime it really shakes me up. I try to just sit there at look him in the eyes and keep my mouth shut. Not always successful. It's a sick feeling to endure this and not defend myself. Defending myself seems to make him worse, no matter HOW I express myself. I read a book by Bill Eddy, "BIFF" which shed some light for me. Okay, Holidays, let's do this and move along.

[@kerbsidemotors9249]

That is their desperate attempt to get supply/validation. Neutral wins

[@makesnodifference]

My ex did this to me as well - bursting in on MY private time to be alone in MY space, as if he had a right. He only got away with that a couple of times as I was already riding the slide outta there. Today he is someone else's problem, thank god.

[@melaw5]

I could have written these very words. Explaining that I think differently does not have a calming effect at all. He doubles down, his words get nastier, and he stays in the room longer. I don't care what he thinks of me anymore. But if I basically tell him his opinion is irrelevant to me, he works all that much harder to try to prove that it isn't or shouldn't be. I'll have to look into that book.

[@lovesings2us]

I'm so sorry you're going through such a rotten situation. My narc brother used to burst into my room when we were young. He still acts terrible, but he and I live in different places now, so he can no longer violate my privacy. My safe home is a big help. I hope you might be able to find some place where you can go where you feel safe, at least for a short periods of time. Just to gather your strength and your peace of mind which is your birthright.

[@emmajane646]

They are supply junkies and once you stop worshipping them (positive supply) and buy into the false self then the demand for fear/anger/ pain (negative supply) becomes their main drug of choice. Any supply is supply. They have to be fed this drug at all costs or else they eventually fall into a Narcissistic collapse (or decompensation). This is when they feel like they are in a bottomless pit or abyss. This is spiritual. These people are possessed by fallen angels. As angels are beings of light they fear the abyss more than anything else. When you see a Narcissist you are seeing a completely possessed person driven by a dark entity. That entity craves your worship and if you don't worship it, it will seek to destroy you. Decompensation is the only hope for a narcissist. It is such a profound depression that they may pray for God's help, for Salvation. If however they get a tiny bit of positive supply then they are fighting fit (sick) again. Just like a drug addict, they need to go cold turkey and face their fears down. They need to be so broken that they realise only God can save them. It is their only hope.

[@purplepaws9273]

Well survived Christmas gift opening , his new tactic is to smirk at me the whole time he looks at me opening and giving presents. Of course he didn't like my presents, no thank you. I couldn't wait till the day was over but this time I didn't react.

[@slimsantilli4476]

My Narc elderly dad always talks about his inheritance for my brother and I. Whenever he starts about it, I talk about subjects that have nothing to do with what he was saying. Mostly subjects he knows nothing about. Then I get up and leave.

[@Bloomingdelight]

Listening to Dr. Carter helps me to be stronger! The boundaries that I have made are from listening to Dr. Carter and team healthy. They work. I wish I could’ve done this years ago!

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Keep leaning forward!!

[@randywilson9137]

Oh my gosh ! So glad I found you. I can't thank you enough. We live with a narcissist. He's our adopted son who is thirty five years old. Refuses to get a real job. We ( my wife and I ) can't get rid of him . He won't move out.. no friends will let him move in . We are at the end of our rope . He is every thing you have described to the max . We're seventy two and just want a little piece.. I thank God I found your site . Now we have some idea of how to survive. It's like living with a demon.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

So sorry you're having to deal with this, but I'm glad to be on the path with you. Keep learning.

[@catherinerhea6336]

Not saying ANYTHING is better because it doesn't engage them AT ALL... Their garbage is BAIT to draw you into a conflict... ***DON'T TAKE THE BAIT!!!*** SHUT DOWN THEIR DEMAND FOR ATTENTION BY NOT GIVING THEM ANY!!!!!!!!!!***

[@DrNancyLivingCoCreatively]

Second watch. I sure there will be more. Money and stability are core issues. I will practice calm firmness. He is not someone I want in my life. I've allowed abuse. No more. DRC indeed. 🌹

[@Bianca-sw5id]

Narcissistists go way overboard 🙄🙄 with something they don't like about you , they blow it out of proportion🥴 , and make it all your fault (obviously they can't take a realistic look at their role in circumstances that they instigated primarily 🤔)

[@elisabeth4342]

I especially this: 'They push highly controversial opinions and topics. This is very common. But don't debate them. They're never going to change their opinion. They just want to argue (they call it debating).' The above describes news media, mainstream media and social media to a tee. Thanks for the reminder and Happy Holidays!!

[@matthewwozniak9138]

You have a right to your own thoughts and beliefs.

[@michaelclark4043]

They might as well be saying Your crap stinks mine doesn't.

[@jimbobeire]

Thanks Doc. You and Dr. Ramani have been very helpful in reminding me to keep calm, and to respond deliberately and appropriately, rather than reacting emotionally to narc provocation. We spent less than 5 minutes at my ex wife's house last night (Christmas Eve) exactly 12 months since our last visit. We were calm and polite and we didn't mention any of the abuse she'd done. I was friendly to her latest boyfriend / target and his two kids. Even spoke to them in their native language, although they speak English well, cos they live here in Ireland now. Then my oldest girl politely asked if she could have some of her old books. She'd paid for them out of her own money from playing violin at the market, and had to leave them behind 3 yrs ago when her mom beat her and threw her out of the house. Asking for the books was my daughters main reason for even going there last night. We really don't enjoy spending any time there. Anyhow, her mom didn't just say 'no' , she stood up at her full 5'10" and said "NO!, you can't have them. I'll call the cops. Is that what you want? The cops coming here on Christmas Eve?" My daughter, who is now 16, didn't get upset. She calmly and politely walked over to me and said "Dad, let's go". I said a polite goodbye to the new boyfriend and his kids and we got our coats and calmly walked out the front door without saying another word. I was proud of how calm and dignified my kids were, how they didn't let her anger shake them into and angry or ugly response. I only hope that shambolic spectacle was a wake up call for the new boyfriend. Happy holidays to you and Gus.

[@annebrewer7882]

Wow, that is a testament to your good parenting. You’ve definitely broken the cycle!! I am young and don’t have kids but if I ever do I hope my kids can deal with the narcs as calmly as your daughter.

[@jimbobeire]

@@annebrewer7882Thank you for saying so. It has taken us lots of practice to not let her provoke us to simply react, and instead to be aware of our boundaries and respond in a calm and deliberate manner to preserve our boundaries. It totally flummoxes her because her power mainly came from unsettling us, and then gaslighting us when we expressed our anger.

[@maryannsiegel5619]

WOW, that was good!

[@sunshine-sm6nf]

I just ignore and quit argueing with them. I have told them I am not talking about such and such. Much freedom not argueing. Oh yes, get ignored a lot but that is on them, just go be with others. That is on them. Thanks Dr C.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You're very welcome.

[@maragl9563]

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL THE PEOPLE HERE. PEACE AND LOVE FROM SPAIN ❄️☃️

[@AnnieGrace777]

If possible...just walk away...it is the only way to get off the merry-go-round. The only way to peace.🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🎠🎡 They do not care about you and usually have 3 or 4 lined up to go to.👩‍🦰👱‍♀️🧕👩‍🦳👩‍🦱🤵. Thank you Dr Carter. Happy Christmas and New year to you and your family. And of course...GUS.

[@keithstewart7514]

No contact with my 85 yo MOTHER is not practical.

[@maxwell-cole]

“it’s not an opinion that I share” - thank you for this. Dr. C.

[@kashashaw79]

Survive to thrive....survive to SERVE. Kind of lost Abusers continue to pinball off of me, as I cope better and better, holding insight and peace....and moving along faster. However, past healthy circles have moved so far beyond me. I can't quite get back up and in. Is this a normal pattern/ place in recovery?

[@AlwaysStampinVideos]

Sorry you’re in this stage. I think i understand what you’re saying. I went through (and sometimes still find myself going through it depending on the timing of encountering people whom i thought were my friends) …went through a stage of realizing people in my life had me pegged as someone who could easily be taken advantage of. I kinda saw myself that way too and no matter how i tried to prove or show people that’s not who i am and that’s not who i want them to see me as- they still saw me that way. And i saw me through THEIR eyes while knowing the real me was inside somewhere. I had to stop seeing me through their eyes and only see me as i want to see me… period. People don’t like assertiveness from a person they like to take advantage of… even some of the nicest people we might know. The authentic people will appreciate you for being you. They’re the ones who saw the real you and you might not have paid a lot of attention to because they’re the ones who were willing to allow you the freedom to be you so they might not have had alot to say to you about you. So the ones you hear more often than anyone else (at least this was my experience,) were (are) the ones who want you to be what THEY want you to be. I might be rambling now. Forgive me. I lost many many friends. Sadly and yet i consider a very valuable lesson, if i lost their friendship over becoming a better, more assertive, peace oriented, confident person… they weren’t really my friends after all. That super duper hurt me to have to come to that realization. It boiled down to my asking myself… do i want to be ok with feeling lonely because logically I’m alone… or do i want to be with people where i still feel lonely while I’m with them? Again, I’m sorry you’re having to deal with any of this. I wish you peace and healing and a stronger you in the new year! And Merry Christmas! (edited for typos)

[@amandaliverpool3374]

Firstly protect yourself so that you can have some healing time. Then it's baby steps. Sometimes 3 forwards and 2 back but we get there in the end (at our own pace) Everybody is unique it's not a one size fits all. Knowledge is Empowerment and you'll get plenty of support here on Team Healthy 🙂

[@itecblogger]

The neutral, non-reactive language you use is really something I need to learn.

[@victoriavitoroulis3273]

Who said what you don’t know won’t hurt you… never had a narc in their life ..

[@kristenmarie9248]

Wow. 🤔🤯 Well said. 👍❤