Watch with Me | Estranged Parents Update

[@astrid1660]

That woman gives me vibes like she DID go to therapy, but only for long enough to learn the buzzwords necessary to weaponize her abuse even more effectively

[@clairewest6336]

Absolutely!

[@IlIlIlIlIllIllII]

something something "the worst person you know is in therapy right now being told they are a good person, and learning positive coping strategies."

[@jonathondoetsch9652]

The Tony Soprano Special

[@isabellayogurte2308]

@astrid1660 kindness requires both sides to recognize that in estra gement we are all suffering. Communication gets cut off and just not there. We are all in different places and often simply dont know what to say. Praying for all of us, all of us...🙏

[@cherylj7460]

@@astrid1660 And a great help in that book she’s writing! (Just a guess. Or a prediction)

[@Lyrical3127]

God, commenting again as I progress. I wrote a letter like that to my parents when I first tried to leave at 18. I had my school counsellor read it to soften it and try to make it as understanding as possible. I spent the first ten pages saying why they were great parents. I poured my soul out and asked to be heard. They call it the “letter of hate” till this day.

[@abanaqun]

that is some weapons grade ooftonium right there

[@marygreenapple]

I feel you, and I'm so sorry. To those types of parents, any sort of disagreement with them is akin to the worst type of insult or 'hate'. They'll use anything to preserve their self-image. If you'd like, I will share a story of my own about that. I moved out with my country's version of cps, and my mother to this day is convinced that I lied to them because she misunderstood one tiny detail of all the things that I told them about. The thing is, there was so much more going on that they had to act on, so even if that detail wasn't true (I actually had proof for it at the time), it would not have mattered at all. To no one's surprise, we're no contact now (for which she, of course, blames her sister).

[@smolangelsdoodles]

10 pages of love... And they still call it that. While I suggest you not following up with this (but my spiteful side is suggesting it) : post it to Facebook or whatever website they use often and show all the family members what that letter of "hate" truly is

[@realhet]

Learn this acronym: DEEP: Don't Defend. Don't Engage. Don't Explain. Don't Personalize. In your case: Don't explain with 10 pages, they will not see it as you, in their minds it means they lose control over you, so they automatically retaliate. Don't personalize: "The hate letter" naming is there to regain control over you. They send you a clear message with it: never ever try this betrayal again!

[@missfayz4523]

I have seen this happen in multiple cases now, where kids will explain and try to clearly tell their parents why they no longer want contact with them and the parent will still say "I don't know why my kid doesn't talk to me". They don't understand that letter because it would require introspection. It is genuinely so sad to see and hear.

[@sclycabbage]

I lowkey think this woman believes her daughter got “the last laugh” and now she’s just seething

[@mhw4658]

@@sclycabbage yes she's def the type to keep score tit-for-tat.

[@mhw4658]

allegedly 😂

[@andapandacongufanda]

I also think this especially with the “leave it up to god” it’s like she’s washing her hands of it and resentfully like she’s almost hoping something bad happens so they’ll need her and she can have the last gotcha moment

[@meowmirrr]

the mom literally said that she has no control over her daughter anymore. That's why she's doing all of this

[@andapandacongufanda]

@@meowmirrr true they really do tell on themselves i guess its just hard to fathom

[@jenbeck719]

The old 'I allowed you to survive childhood by feeding and clothing you, so I was a good parent. I deserve a medal'

[@thecajunphoenix]

No. Parents don't deserve a prize for doing the bare minimum of parenting.

[@phillipmessier4371]

She wants a participation trophy for having a kid

[@LittleGreenSoldier]

My parents weren't perfect, and I was VLC with my dad for a while - but they actually put in the work. My mom actually called me a while ago just to say "hey, last time we talked, I dismissed something you said and I apologize". It felt really good to have that acknowledged.

[@karaa7595]

Yeah narc parents don't say things like that. I'm happy for you. ❤️

[@n00d1e-42]

My parents still aren’t great about apologizing for past things… but they definitely make the effort now. If I tell them something upset me I can tell they genuinely take it to heart. I think that’s all most people want from their parents. Just to be heard and taken seriously.

[@haleyspence]

@@n00d1e-42 Same, I have gotten 1 apology out of my dad in my life and it was this year (Like, in a really impressive way actually, he took blame off my mom for something I was blaming her for and took some responsibility for it too which was genuinely surprising and big of him I was proud.) but to be honest I don't feel like I need them, I just need them to change their behavior. A couple years ago I started drawing boundaries and my dad's version of testing them was putting me down and insulting me in front of my kid--and he learned the hard way that I wasn't going to put up with that and he lost all access to me. He lasted a *week* before he cracked and sent my mom to beg me to come hang out at the house again. No apology for the insult, but that wasn't what I needed, I needed him to not do that shit again, and he decided it was easier to stop being a dillweed than deal with not getting to see me. The unspoken deal we have now is: be cool, and I'll invite you into my space. And it's been working out *really* well for us so far lol. It's possible, it's easy, and it's always better for the children to estrange their parents than accept anything less than what our imperfect parents were able to do for us.

[@andreasvandieaarde]

I hated the part where she has the "good column" and the "bad column". No amount of inoffensive parenting moments can truly balance out the bad, because the good that she describes is the bare minimum for caring for a child. You're right that it only takes a few powerful traumatic experiences to lose trust in a parent, as it should be.

[@Fauntleroy.]

This. I tend to assume that all but the worst parents have moments where they hit it out of the park: a wonderful surprise the child will never forget, a moment of genuine connectedness, standing up for the child in front of the child in a bold way, etc. And all of that's great. These are moments when the parent allowed their parental instincts to shine in the best way. But if that child was also abused, whether intentionally or unintentionally, no amount of these moments can ever "balance out" the trauma that the child suffered. The parent still needs to acknowledge, apologize, and do better, no matter how long ago it was. If the parent instead puts up the defenses and nurses their own hurts, then, well... here's what you get.

[@KuroAlis]

Not just that, negative experiences are more impactful and memorable in general

[@dogearflopper7011]

When you find a thumbtack in your cheerios, you throw out the box.

[@fizzysod8a]

she's like "i only shot her ONCE!!! and and she cut contact over it!!! she's ignoring all the times i changed her diaper!" like.... okay diane

[@gregjayonnaise8314]

Parents like this view relationships as transactional. It’s like the kid is an Attention Machine that will give them what they want if they insert a certain amount of Good Things I Did For You into the dispenser and a positive relationship falls out. An actually good parent doesn’t need to keep track of what good things they did because good things for your child should be an instinctive, default reaction. Kindness towards your kid is not a perk or a reward, it’s the bare minimum of parenting.

[@DendriticWolf]

I feel the need to point out that her website for Estranged Parents charges $20/Month to be part of their community. She's literally using this as a cash grab on top of the Yikes factor of basing an entire youtube channel around bad mouthing your own child.

[@jwsuicides8095]

Her videos aren't even her own ideas, just regurgitating the words of others but with no depth and meaning added to them. Shallow and vain.

[@ZestyGooner]

20 a month? 240 A YEAR?!?! Just for something you can get for free from literally dozens of other websites and reddit groups???

[@cherylj7460]

I have to say this again! People will pay alot to be told they did their best and the guilt they feel is misplaced!

[@thecajunphoenix]

Why would the parents pay $240.00 a year for Diane Schmaine's self-serving drivel when the parents can get free and actually better parenting advice elsewhere?

[@Smokox]

A narcissist using people for their own gain? Say it ain't so!

[@bswift1991]

The phrase "I did the best I could" is such a red flag to me. I did the best I could in a French exam and still got an F. Trying your best doesn't equate to doing a good job. It sucks that that's the case but there's no best effort prize in life or in parenting.

[@mariahrose3497]

That's a great way to phrase that.

[@doomoftheend]

It's just a phrase to try to be seen as the victim.

[@doomoftheend]

The child should write something like "I tried the best i could to live with you..." etc.

[@inkypunk]

Imagine a parent being like "yeah I didn't really try". Literally no one is going to admit to that, regardless of how badly they treated their child. A parent who doesn't want to try would abandon their child, a parent like this mother who wants to control their child will feel like they're putting a lot of effort in.

[@sylviarachel]

The thing is ... that may be 100% true? BUT IT DOESN'T MEAN THEY DIDN'T DO YOU HARM. Someone's best may be deeply, deeply inadequate or incredibly traumatizing or very, very unsafe. You can give someone credit for doing the best they could while also going NC or VLC to keep yourself safe.

[@akscherrer]

her going from dismissing any abuse that’s not physical/sexual to validating that parental estrangement is a trauma actually made my head spin

[@voidilitesingularis]

And then acting like shaking and spanking- forms of physical abuse! - were just "mistakes you make when parenting"

[@pris1378]

i find that the common denominator among this type of estranged parent is the total refusal to actually listen and take in what their adult children are saying. like reducing a fundamental divide on who deserves basic human rights to a mere disagreement about politics.

[@jenniferrollin5777]

And then they expect you to sit and listen as they list off all the things that are "wrong" with you.

[@peregrinecovington4138]

Refusing to listen + demanding your attention is a classic

[@wcg66]

It boils down to narcissism.

[@dreamydragon5670]

yeah, I just love it, when I tell my parent, what I feel and what my problem is and then a while later they say I never told them my view and opinion so they can´t understand. Lovely. Best part is when I look at them like are you serious right now, I did, and then they row back and go oh no you´re right, you did, to avoid me retreating again.

[@scruffy9020]

The way she uses "it" instead of "they/them" when taking about a child is telling.

[@corneliahanimann2173]

Well I speak german as a first language, and we do have the "Er/Sie/Es" pronouns, including the genderneutral one for children because this language assumes that children don't really have a gender yet. Just throwing it out there that this exists too, I don't think this woman speaks german, but to me it would probably imply sexualizing a child too much when you already assign a gender to it when it has not yet developed a full awareness for that yet.

[@havinagoodtime9733]

@@corneliahanimann2173 thats an interesting fun fact but has no influence on this situation, as she clearly isn't speaking German. in English, it is offensive to call a human an "it". when you're talking about the gender of someone you don't know, in English you use "they". Using "it" is to call a person an object, to dehumanize them

[@aelincat8455]

I was going to say the same thing. She is literally diminishing a living, breathing child into a possession over and over

[@corneliahanimann2173]

@@havinagoodtime9733 I understand, and it is also was really the extend to which I wanted to say anything really. I have heard an american be offended by a german lady calling his daughter a "süsses ding" , which translates to "sweet thing", and it is not meant to be taken literally it's just an expression for thinking she is cute. So that just came to mind, that some languages do in fact use "it", especially for children because children don't really have a gender yet. So just fun facts all around.

[@jojo-7306]

@@corneliahanimann2173 yeah, "es" in german is definitely not just a gender neutral pronoun. it works the same way "it" does in english, being primarily used for objects and animals. Also, the idea that we view children as genderless is total bs. idk why you'd lie about that. The word child uses neutral pronouns because we use gendered pronouns for every noun, but that doesn't reflect on gender identity. It's just a function of the way our grammar is structured. We have words for boys and girls too. We gender children as male or female. Also, the word for girl uses neutral pronouns, if you needed any more evidence that the pronouns used for different nouns are not tied to gender identity.

[@mstie3252]

Her daughter literally wrote her an email to explain what she did wrong. Which she generally scoffs at, and thought she could ignore and everything would blow over. And now she acts like it's a mystery what happened.

[@ellyk8834]

That's the sum-up. Kinda a special kind of crazy to think that'll work in any healthy relationship and she doesn't even grasp how unhealthy the whole situation is. Haley recognizes it so who has the problem? It's all Diane...

[@cebruthius]

I'm trying to imagine what the daughter is thinking right now. I wrote down my hurts, but instead mother is actually monetizing her own victim mentality. Mindblowing.

[@FishareFriendsNotFood972]

I'm so glad these types of parents are being talked about more openly, as someone raised by this type of mother, listening to your take was so healing for me. Thank you.

[@pris1378]

also, you decided to have a kid. all the things she described doing for her kid? that's the basic fucking minimum you have to do to not go to jail, ffs!

[@ladyeowyn42]

Fr anything you’d get investigated for not doing does not count. Anyway, love and abuse aren’t transactional, that math doesn’t math at all.

[@alienatedd]

its hilarious because if these parents, like her, got hit by their children, they would lose their minds and hold it against them the rest of their life.

[@residentsleeper8639]

As someone who got into physical fights with their parents as early as like... 6 or 7 years, (I was being abused, shocker), Yeah no that's exactly the response you get. Somehow it's the kid's fault, Always.

[@karaa7595]

Really great point. Just looking at a narc the wrong way can cause them to cry wolf.

[@delilahbelle2125]

My partner has been estranged from his parents for nearly 6 years. To this day, they maintain "we did the best we could; why are you being so stubborn/mean/unreasonable?". My repeated response has been "just because you did the best you could with what you had/knew at the time, it doesn't mean you didn't cause harm along the way."

[@haleyspence]

Another good one is "When did you stop doing your best then? Because your best would be good enough to communicate with your son mkay? You're not doing your best anymore."

[@katerrinah5442]

I'm only starting but all the "pouring love into them" is ick. Love isn't just about what giving someone what you think they need, but listening to what their actual needs are and doing your best to meet them. Just because you think you've been loving doesn't mean you actually gave the child the love they needed. Editing to add - her other videos she was mocking her daughter for having a found family and community with non-relatives. And here she is telling estranged parents to find new people... It's not ok for kids to do this but it's ok for the parents?

[@ashannaredwolf8485]

“It’s okay for the parents but not the child” I’m convinced that’s exactly what parents like this woman believe, because I literally heard that growing up. I expect this woman also demanded respect while not reciprocating respect to her child, as she doesn’t seem to have any respect for her daughter as an adult.

[@thecajunphoenix]

Hard Hell No on that one. Haley had every right to find her Family of Choice because Diane Schmaine is such a narc and a hypocrite who never treated Haley with any respect or dignity for who Haley is.

[@garycannon2887]

Sounds like it would be more accurate to say she was cut off over bigotry rather than politics.

[@TylerRamos-h2o]

Right wing bigots always like to frame it as though they were cut off due to some innocuous difference of opinion when in reality it’s always because of their hateful bullshit. They know they were in the wrong that’s why they frame it as such.

[@popdop0074]

Exactly, but that is politics. There's a reason Trumpers and evangelicals tend to be estranged parents...

[@sleepythemis]

​@@popdop0074They decided to turn people's lives and identities into political issues and then have the gall to go surprised Pikachu when it leads to other people, whose lives and identities are then threatened by those politics, distancing themselves and ending any relationship they had. They're baffled that they don't get to be intolerant of certain people while still getting the time, attention, and love of those people.

[@popdop0074]

@@sleepythemis Exactly, but this is literally who the conservative establishment have been aiming at towards for years. Morally bankrupt people seeking to justify themselves and exist in society, by being reactionaries. It's the same reason Russel Brand (deffo an Narcissist) turned to them, or Jordan Peterson, or any other evil piece of genuine cat piss weasels off to them. Psychology seriously needs a complete revision, the current models are absolutely terrible since they discount all the politics and sociology that overlap into it. They're so intertwined and it leads to fascism as, in humans today, it's a very common moral framework even from normal seeming people.

[@habloescobar]

I mean, bigotry quite literally is a key tenet of right-wing thought in general.

[@pris1378]

fun fact: my parents have stated that if they could do things over knowing what they know now? they'd have cut off their parents before i was born. my parents are boomers, i'm in my 40s...

[@birdeeable]

Got to love when estranged parents list basic necessities like "I clothed my toddler" as reasons they were a great parent. I don't even have kids, and I've clothed my friend's toddler because I could see him struggling. It's basic empathy and kindness as the responsible trusted adult in the room. I have two cats. I take them for walks, I buy them toys and blankets and cat trees, I feed them a balanced and varied diet that is honestly better than a lot of humans eat, I dedicate time to playing with them every day even when I'm exhausted. Does this make me an amazing pet owner? No, that's just me doing what a pet owner should be doing as a bare minimum because I chose to adopt these cats and they are my dependents. You aren't a good parent just because you chose to feed and house the child who is involuntarily dependent upon you.

[@jwsuicides8095]

Exactly!

[@KachuaOnWoW]

I think her "give them to god" and "dead in a ditch" spiel is how she percieves giving up control. Like, "I can't control them anymore, I have to give that to god," "They might end up dead in a ditch because I'm not there to prevent it." She's still not fully accepting that they're a fully independent person with SELF-control and the capacity to look after themselves

[@penelopehughes-jones5265]

It’s very telling that the very parts of having a baby that are the absolute most beautiful gifts to the parent, Diane makes out that was us doing the kid a favour. I really hope she listens to that and it gives her some insight. It’s so flipped around I can’t even.

[@jwsuicides8095]

She can't stand down from her personality disorder(s), and now she's getting her belief systems endorsed on line PLUS getting an income from it.

[@sleepythemis]

My dad was baffled when I told him that, having been badly spanked by him a few times as a young child, for situations that were largely misunderstandings, made me afraid of him well into college. My school life was constantly avoiding telling him about anything, grades, extracurriculars, anything taking place outside the home basically, because I'd come to the conclusion that if he interpreted my actions to be "wrong" or "intentionally bad," even if I thought I was doing the good or right thing or simply made a mistake, I would see nothing but wrath from him, and it was better to suffer in silence, figure out things on my own, than risk him being angry. So many parents genuinely do not understand how impactful THOSE moments can be.

[@Lyrical3127]

I don’t mean to defend this awful woman who reminds me so much of my own parents I went no contact with - but I think I know what she means by ambiguous loss. That is a concept I learnt in therapy and it is how I felt about my parents while we were no contact - I know they are alive, but the grief is similar to that of them being dead, because I can’t talk to them about my problems, I can’t tell them I got promoted, they’re not there on holidays…it’s like they died. They are not dead TO me, I know they’re alive, but if I had contact with them at that time it would have destroyed me so I had to live with the fact I had perfectly alive parents yet it was if they were dead. And that compounds because I SHOULD have them in my life, I should have parents that love me and that are safe to be around, but I don’t. So I think that’s what she meant, except the difference is, she brought this on herself. Her daughter tried to reconcile and explain where she was hurt, then was ignored and THAT was when she realised contact was futile and painful.

[@katerrinah5442]

I've had periods of very low contact with my parents and this is how I felt. At that time it was almost worse than if they were dead because they were out there in the world choosing to not be in my life. At least if the person is actually dead you can process and move on. I'm grateful that we worked it out but oof. That was an awful few years

[@Lyrical3127]

@@katerrinah5442 completely. It was worse that they could be in my life but weren’t because of how awful they were. It sounds horrible but sometimes I thought it would be easier if they were actually dead so I wouldn’t get so much judgement - everyone assumed I was the problem and I had well meaning people say oh I’m sure you’ll make it up and be together soon. Of course I didn’t want them to be dead!!! But I’m just saying the grief felt even more complex to deal with than if they just straight up died. It’s a real mindfuck.

[@lenehammero7274]

it seems like she meant her comments to reflect the fact that as a victim, you are perfectly entitled to feel how you do about them, especially feeling like they're dead or gone. however, the man in this case does not have the right to feel that way because she is the one who initiated the problems and continually ignored the many many chances that she was given to reflect on these problems to make the changes necessary in order to facilitate a healthier relationship. it's just ridiculous for her to pretend like she gets to experience a victim mentality and victim emotions when she is quite literally the one who caused nearly every problem.

[@sylviarachel]

I feel this! I was VLC with my father (though I didn't know that terminology at the time) for probably the last decade of his life, because I had figured out finally that he was never going to be the parent I needed and that talking to him on the phone more than occasionally was actively bad for my mental health, and I thought I was fine with that but when he died suddenly-ish* I realized I had a lot of grief: grief for the genuinely good times we had when I was a little kid, grief for the way he treated me, grief for not having a father who behaved like an actual parent, grief for the improved relationship I had (it turned out) been subconsciously hoping for since I was a hurt teenager. I'm not totally over it! But therapy, my relationship with my stepdad (who has now been married to my mom for almost 30 years!), and watching my spouse actively work to become a better dad have helped me do a lot of healing. *He didn't die suddenly, but my stepmother didn't tell any of us he was sick until after he died, which is part of the reason 3/4 of us are completely NC with her.

[@chazellecromhout7312]

My dad claimed parental alienation for a long time as a reason why i didnt want a relationship to him... Completely glossing over the fact that i was capable of thinking for myself. I remember what living with him was like, and i chose my mum instead. And i still lived with him for many years and he alienated himself. His behaviour made me want to avoid him. No one put ideas in my head. No one coached me. I remembered how he treated me and i didnt want to be in that environment. Parental alienation is an excuse people give to avoid taking accountability.

[@TrayceInSpace]

I like how the “list of good things” is more like how a child is a toy to be played with and not a person who is figuring out who they are. Any “good column” should be filled with moments of selfhood for the child; how they were in that endless process of becoming that defines personhood from an early age. Endless hollow “happy moments” don’t make a person. And this isn’t even scratching the surface of all that’s wrong here.

[@cherylj7460]

Very well said!

[@tigeygirl]

This mother makes my skin crawl. Her love it seems was completely transactional. I did this for you now you owe that for me. Ugh

[@Charliesreptiles]

The thing is, if my kid decided to go NC, the most important thing for me would be "are they okay? What if something happens to them? Will they contact me if they need help?", and the next would be "is there some way that I can make this okay again?" And neither of those are even present in her, let alone dominant impulses.

[@karaa7595]

Sometimes it can come down to just not liking your parents as people bc youve watched how they treat other people let alone experienced how they treat you. You have a right to choose if you want your mom and/or dad in your life. It really can be this simple.

[@TheSoonyGirl]

My Mum tries to make people think we’re estranged. She told me she complained to her friends that I don’t talk to her and won’t visit her, and told me they said “why don’t you visit her”, and she asked me “what do I say to them?” (attempted manipulation? I don’t know … weird) My Mum has always been welcome to visit, but I can’t provide somewhere to sleep. She portrays herself as estranged, but she bombards me with messages like a stalker and if I say something that contradicts her world view, she turns off her phone. If she says something really bad and I ask her not to talk about that topic, she uses that to say “I’m not allowed to talk to my daughter”. 😂 I wonder how many of these ‘estranged’ parents are like this, allergic to some basic respectful boundaries.

[@TheAllyathome]

Narcissistic abuse. 😔

[@TuxedoMasc]

She'd rather feel all this hurt, self pity, and ACT LIKE HER CHILD'S DEAD - than just acknowledge her failures and genuinely apologize to someone she allegedly loves more than life itself.

[@FragileCrab]

I wish she would read the book “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents” instead of going through these mental gymnastics. It might enlighten her.

[@thizwillbeboring7772]

The "it only takes a few bad moments to learn you can't trust someone" resonated with me. I had a few of those with my parents and it took almost 5 years of continuous work and growth on their part for me to trust them again. I love them and I know they tried their best, but just because you try doesn't mean that negative events don't effect me.

[@DarkRoxZX]

I wish I could send this to my mom and say "this is you, and this is wrong" and for her to break out of her victim complex delusion and realize she just needs to say "I fucked up and I'm sorry" but to protect my own peace I need limited contact and to let her be who she is. Fucking heartbreaking.

[@Akeepersplace]

When I saw Diane’s first video I felt bad for her because she really seemed to be suffering. After she started blaming her estrangement on liberal politics, the education system, and non conservative ideologies. I realized she is just a nut job and will never do the self reflection to actually understand why she’s estranged. I really feel for her daughter, I hope she’s living her best life.

[@LittleGreenSoldier]

I follow her daughter in a J-fashion community we're both part of, she's doing great. I won't link it, she doesn't need more of her mom's crap.

[@witcherye]

​@@LittleGreenSoldier did the daughter give any response to the video or to all of this?

[@dannabanana52]

I’ve been a mom in the “hot seat” as far as messing up with my teenage kids, definitely not intentionally, but mistakes are mistakes regardless of intention. I started watching her thinking that I would be more aligned with her than the kid. I’m not. She’s insufferable. She cannot look at actions without qualifying them with an excuse, she belittles her grown daughters feelings, puts it on the internet and charges money to give bad parents lessons in how to be more stubborn and indignant. Nobody’s learning how to heal through her group. They’re just reinforcing terrible behavior and making reconciliation less likely. Just because we did the best at the time, doesn’t mean we don’t need to continue to do better and learn from our mistakes and change. I’m grateful that my relationship with my daughter has been healing, but if I did what she has done the relationship would have suffered more or more likely ended. We say as moms that the most important thing for us is for our kids to be healthy and happy. Sometimes that means we have to suck it up and acknowledge our mistakes so everyone can move on and so we don’t continue to hurt the people we love more than we love ourselves. It’s so much easier and more rewarding to do that, than making an internet echo chamber to further alienate your kids. Also mom of a trans kid and I’m so sorry and flabbergasted that someone would consider their kids deceased for being who they are. As many issues that came up with us, being transgender was never an issue with,either of us parents.

[@cherylj7460]

Diane should charge more!😉 People will pay good money to be told they did their best and the guilt they carry is misplaced.

[@willow9145]

It baffles me when people make the argument that the bad parts were really small or short compared to the good parts. Like how long does it take to pull the trigger of a gun? Seconds. Are you gonna sit there and argue that it's impact is minimal??

[@ladyeowyn42]

Yeah, tragedy happens instantly pretty often. A diagnosis, a collision, a gunshot. Life truly is precious.

[@bswift1991]

The problem now is she's probably feeling the urge to make more videos because of the support she gets in the comments from other parents who have been through similar experiences, however, the more she doubles down on her position of "I did the best I could" and basically makes it sound like she's in the right, the harder reconciliation will be in the future. Assuming she still wants that. Every new video is full of ammunition for her daughter to be like, "and this is exactly why I cut contact."

[@Homodemon]

She does exactly what she criticized her daughter of doing She is seeking external approval from like-minded people to further validate her own views Except since it's her, she's toootally justified because she's "not a political" person, unlike her daughter who's too "woke"

[@practicaldreamyr]

The videos are all narcissistic supply for Diane now, she loves the attention she's getting much more than she loves her actual daughter

[@andapandacongufanda]

Gotta love she’s minimizing “abuse gets thrown around these days” and legit follows that up with saying she’s living a trauma cuz of the estrangement (which not discounting just interesting she’s basically being like too many parents are accused of abuse but I’m traumatized seems a bit hypocritical)

[@ladyeowyn42]

She thinks children aren’t human so they can’t have trauma.

[@camille8099]

what i feel like parents like her (and mine to some extent) don’t realize is that you can be the best parent you can be but when you do those things that become trauma for their child later on it’s not always a “big thing” but your child’s brain is developing and those little reenforcements become so impactful to them

[@softestshade7813]

Childhood Trauma is always worsened by a lack of support or proper care after the event and I really feel like these parents don't want a shred of responsibility for it. Something bad happened that literally taught your baby's brain that This Means Danger. These people can't fathom that they were their child's first tangible, repeating nightmare because that means they have to admit they did something wrong and left a scar as old as that adult's mind. The first step to making things right is apologizing but then that means their ego would be bruised and that's apparently not worth it to them.

[@ladyeowyn42]

@@softestshade7813Yes, the fears my parent put in me predate my brain forming long term memories. It got baked into my nervous system.

[@plursocks]

The last straw with my mother was when she defended the cousin who molested me and then tried to gaslight me when I worked up the courage to tell her that was unacceptable. I was also conditioned to fawn or freeze so most of the time when she was saying terrible things to me, I'd dissociate so I didn't have to deal with the pain and if she demanded a response from me, I'd fawn to get her to leave me alone.

[@katherine5861]

20:50 is audio first time. 34:37 is audio for the narcissist mawm video

[@bingusdingus7417]

Thank u i thought my headphones broke lol

[@princesspeach6990]

god this needs to be pinned

[@TheSoonyGirl]

estrangement isn’t a new trend, people could just move and not be contacted anymore, you could just say ‘oops I lost your address’ and save face, if they phoned and you didn’t answer you could say you were out, but now people have 24 hour access and it can be impossible to get away from someone with out being direct, and some people need that cathartic process of saying ‘no contact’.

[@RogerToonTime]

Approaching mid forties? DAMN! You look great! Give us your skincare routine!

[@maryanne1830]

Omg as she rants about the struggles of parenting she talks faster and faster. Shes just winding herself up ajd getting herself upset

[@Crypt-Kitty]

A lot of times when they start the "my ex is trying to poison my kid/s against me" it's actually said by the person whose trying to poison their kid/s against the accused in my experience. My dad constantly would imply my mom was a bad mother, then seemed to think she was also the reason I didn't like spending tons of time with him lol. Even as a kid I remember thinking it was weird he seemed to think my mom spoke badly about him, when my mom never said a bad word about him until I was an adult who had already had my own opinions on him.

[@yourworstfan]

Parents like Diane - and there are many of them - absolutely do not enjoy being parents. They don't get very much of the joy of experiencing the world together with a child. The reward they expect is for their child to idolize them in private and glorify them in public. Their child exists to serve them.

[@ariverdreaming]

Yup!! I remember driving with my mom in the car one day from a dentist appointment or something and asking her “why did you and dad have kids, you don’t seem to enjoy it” she answered “idk the circle of life I guess” and we continued home in tense silence. I was acutely aware but so confused as a kid that my parents chose to have 4 kids and then constantly complained about how hard it was and how we didn’t appreciate them. It was so rare for either of them to spend 1-1 time with me to get to know me, help me or do something together that I can remember every time. My siblings and I felt like NPCs in the dark fantasy world of their codependent relationship and my dad’s obsessions with appearing like a successful conservative patriarch of obedient children.

[@Lunakitty1234]

They just want slaves or someone who will take care of them when they’re old or some other selfish shit.

[@putridpink]

I think for most adults, while we are affected by things that happened in our childhoods, the reasons I’m low contact with my family has so much more to do with how they’ve treated me as an adult. I’m sure that is true with this woman’s daughter as well

[@ellyk8834]

100%

[@maryj4894]

41:05 total BS. Haley didn’t just cut off communication all of a sudden. It was after years of trying to be heard and accepted by her parents only to be gaslighted that she finally gave up. Diane also acts like she’s completely clueless why Hailey cut off contact when Hailey wrote a letter explaining exactly why.

[@chudpunter]

these people _never_ acknowledge what they've done wrong. no matter how directly they're told, they'll ignore or minimize it, and then play dumb and claim that they're still seeking the "real" reason.

[@Justaname11290]

Ya know…my mom did a ton of abusive shit to me as a kiddo. It was hard. I’m talking black eyes, verbal abuse and triangulation against my father WHOM SHE WAS MARRIED TO UNTIL 2021! My estrangement was not about any of that. I have “forgiven her” for the shit she did, she was young, and immature, and just…she was dumb. She was simply dumb. The reason I am estranged is because she is STILL a dick. She still treats me with zero respect. I had a kid in 2021 and ….. decided that she and i needed to rebuild trust after setting boundaries regarding talking about my dad during her divorce…and being her emotional support pet. She never respected that. I told her in a long ass text and she did exactly what this woman did. She ignored it then acting as if I never sent it. When it became obvious that I would (instead of fawning) simply match her silence, suddenly she claimed her phone wasn’t working. She said she would call me because she just wasn’t receiving my texts! She never called. I cut off contact after sending a letter explaining EXACTLY what she needs to do in order to rebuild a relationship with me and her grandchild. Haven’t heard from her since. the point is….often times its not about what’s you DID, its about what you are CONTINUING to do.

[@oneghost1257]

Full of such wisdom accrued over the years of her time on this earth. Gems like... As we age we get older. And, when you're young you haven't been alive as long.

[@bootilylish]

In the 5, nearly 6 years I've been estranged from my mom, I only wanted two words. Two words that would have changed EVERYTHING. "I'm sorry."

[@koshetz]

i like her perseption of estrangement being "modern" and "western problem". I'm from "traditional" slavic country and have A LOT of friends who cut contact with their parents. Not to mention in 1930s my great gandmother's brother just silently left his village and only 20 years later it was discovered that he's alive, well and even has a family. He just disn't wanted to see his abusive parents anymore.

[@georgesears934]

Holy hell, this is some Category 5 YAPPIN! She could tear buildings from their foundations with all this bloviating. Imagine taking the time and the energy yap this all up instead of just swallowing your pride and taking 10 seconds to say "I'm sorry, I drank my own kool-aid and didn't realize I was hurting you. I messed up, and I will try to change."

[@fizzysod8a]

"The deep state turned my daughter against me!!!!" she sounds like elon musk, it's so icky

[@thecajunphoenix]

Yeah. She really does because Elon Musk has the gall to blame his trans daughter's being trans on the non-existent 'woke mind virus' and even dares to use his trans daughter's deadname.

[@AudreyKaneWaypaststrange]

your first video on estranged parents was the first i’d ever seen from you and. from a kid with two parents who both deserved it in their own special ways but never went through with it (don’t regret it, just backstory lol) i’d have killed to even just hear from someone as compassionate, articulate, and informed as you are. if it weren’t for your take on this content i’d never have the stamina to sit through this woman’s self-pity and vitriol, Because it’s so horribly familiar and instills that reminiscent dread of being voiceless against someone who thinks and acts like this and will not change their mind. having a reasonable and kind voice to hear address it in kind is, at least for me, invaluable, and i have to imagine/i can tell from the comments i’m not alone. i can’t pretend i know your own situation with your child but i hope for the best for you both and believe from the little window i’ve seen that you want that too. thank you for making this content and much love ♡

[@WhiskeyRichard.]

When you're in it, it's nebulous, like a fog. You know things aren't right, but especially describing specifics is almost befuddling. Then, rarely, thankfully, someone rational and nonjudgmental happens along and goes "hey it sure is foggy in here, it must be hard figuring out where to go"

[@garycannon2887]

Other reasons parents initiate estrangement is because they are entitled, manipulative and want to hurt us when they have felt slighted in some way. Kinda funny that all the reasons she gives are fault of the child.

[@cervicalvertebrea]

Commenting as I go, her talk about raising a baby reminds me of how parents can "own" a baby in ways they don't "own" their child as they get older. She's taking solace in the time that her baby could be nothing other than what she expected.

[@CodedLockFilms]

Commenting while in the midst of the first video. This is a very good example of how to pull off a very good pseudointellectual grift. As has been stated, this woman is clearly a very “thinky” person. And she very clearly uses that aspect of herself to insulate her from difficult emotional work. This is a good example of how you can be thinky without actually being intellectual or academic. Facts, reason, evidence, those are all good things to consider, but the problem lies in setting out not to follow evidence where it leads, but to prove the evidence is on your side. That’s what separates a thinky person from an intellectual person. She very clearly, even by her own admission, will not engage in good faith with anything that does not fit her preconceptions. And then we go a step further. There is immense psychological power and wish fulfillment potential in these words: “You are already right.” Many many people will pay good money to support people who tell them what they want to hear, especially if they are good at dressing it up in positive, affirming language, and in a veneer of intelligent discourse. You don’t actually have to know what you’re talking about, you just have to sound like you do. This is also why she takes a very long time to say very little. There is a misconception that people who can speak about a topic for a long time must be well-informed about it. But if you’re good at it, you can give off that same impression by just expressing the same sentiment over and over in slightly different ways with little personal touches interspersed to make it seem like you’re building a thesis. The whole point of the video is to get across this idea: “When your kid chooses to cut you off, the best thing to do is accept it, recognize that it’s out of your hands, grieve it, and move on.” Which isn’t even accurate, because if she put in the effort to self-reflect, she actually could do something about it. But the point is that she takes that single sentence and stretches it into a long extemporaneous diatribe, because it makes her position seem well-thought out. And that gets more people who already want to be reassured to listen to her, which allows her to funnel them into spaces where they can help line her pockets. Hopefully she’ll eventually figure out that no matter how big that pocketbook gets, it won’t ever fill the space in her heart. Maybe then she’ll finally put in the work.

[@thecajunphoenix]

That's the problem. Diane Schmaine won't put in the work no matter how fat her pocketbook gets. Some narc parents who are financially comfortable, even financially well-off, try to control their children with money. Diane's estranged daughter Haley had already tried to put in the work, and what happened? Diane and her husband Ted chose to mock and belittle Haley for it. Diane dares to paint Haley as the villain when in reality Diane's the villain.

[@sucqbus]

1:27:59 One of the things that cracks me up about this lady the most is her level of denial and self-exculpation. That whole "it's ok if they never talk to us again" thing. She tries to play this off as accepting what is. If that were REALLY what was going on that would be great. But as you pointed out, what she's really doing is washing her hands of any and all responsibility for her side of the fence. She got what some parents never get. She got her daughter's attempt at explaining why the pain of remaining connected to people who hurt her repeatedly and would not listen or amend their behavior became greater and more damaging to her mental health than the pain of cutting off her family of origin. She utterly disregarded it, treated it with contempt, and aired some mangled and self-serving fragments of it on the internet to garner pity for herself. It is fine to be accepting of your child's request for space. It's a good thing. But this attitude of "I'm gonna hold a funeral for you and you're dead to me WITH LOVE"--That's an attempt to distance herself from the pain of self-knowledge that would come if she chose to really hear her daughter out. If she really actually asked herself what she did to make her daughter feel like she was being ignored, manipulated and gaslit. Dianne is trying to cauterize the "wound" of losing her daughter, because tending it, cleaning it out, debriding it, changing the dressings, well...that's hard. That's work. Instead she's gonna burn it, plow it under, smooth it out and pave it over with toxic positivity and call that shit healing. The worst thing about that is she's going to peddle that same shit to others and harm both their chances of reconciliation and of becoming better people. In the name of an income stream. I could be projecting but in my head, her daughter wrote that note because she had one tiny little flame of hope left that her mom would really make an effort at understanding her words. I'm sure she was aware of some of her mom's good qualities, and hoped that she could bring her mental faculties, her intelligence, her ability to analyze things, her love and care for her child, bring them to bear on this problem with an open and honest assessment of how things went wrong and what she could actually do to make it better. It breaks my heart that these messed up videos, and her new business model, are what Dianne made of her daughter's attempt to bridge the gap. I can only assume that the response finally blew that tiny flame out.

[@EmmaBurton-f5d]

continuously unclenching my stomach listening to this. I feel like I should click out, and yet I feel like this is the closest I've been to my mother in years of no contact.

[@Carollnn]

You are the kindest and most reasonable person who I’ve watched respond to this lady. I feel like I understand myself and my brother (who is estranged from our parents) a lot more.

[@coolidgp]

Nothing says "i have moved on and recovered" like making a YT channel about how you can't stand your child making autonomous decisions.

[@katherine5861]

Oh goodness. This is just such a baaaaadddddd and triggering vid. I told my mom go to therapy. Because she is of the same mindset. I did allll this for you. Yeah. I know mom has already 'given me to God. " just vomit. Ugh. Yikes. I could bring up how she screamed at me when i was young. And was angry i didnt sweep the house ... Then hit me in the head with the broom handle. I could bring up when she took the door off the hinges because i locked her out once and asked for space. The door was off the hinges for a month. I could bring up how she would scream and bang her head on the doors or slam her hand on surfaces. I could bring up how she spanked me CONTINUOUSLY. To the point where i expected it daily. I could bring up how she made me the young mother and pushed responsibilities on me and had me change her babies. And babysit. And clean. Then blame me for the kids not liking me becayse im too bossy. I could bring up how she called me hypochondriac when i was sick. How she insisted i was a liar and blamed me for LYING whenever i told dad my brothers were being mean and they were beat. I mean. I have a lot more. But those are the top of the iceberg. I havent even touched on the more recent stuff.

[@cherylj7460]

I’m so sorry. 😞 That’s awful.

[@B1esky]

She constantly brings up that it's this great American Government issue, then brings up that in the UK the rates are almost the same and that she's gotten stories from all over. She even refuses to look inwards on the evidence she gets. I feel she loves the situation in general. She gets to make herself the victim, help others feel like victims, then take their money. It's probably her dream and as long as her child, which she really doesn't seem to care for, doesn't talk to her again she can keep up her website and "community" that makes her money.

[@dannabanana52]

She CAN do something about it though. She can acknowledge her specific mistakes, take accountability, apologize, and work hard to change her behavior. Even if she has to learn to catch herself in the old behaviors. She could understand how her political views are a threat to her daughter’s human rights and autonomy. It would be less work than starting a KZbin channel and making videos and running a pay for joining chat that perpetuates adult children’s decisions to separate from their families, their god given right to a support system that loves them unconditionally within normal societal expectations and norms.

[@V3n0mCa7na63]

I mean to remove a person from your life is something that needs to be done if that person does nothing but spread and create negativity. They have zero accountability for their actions and they will turn everything around on you. The only recourse is just stepping away. The only winning move is not to play their game anymore

[@thecajunphoenix]

That's also what the computer in the movie "WarGames" says right before shutting off its own game program that would have kick-started WWIII for real.

[@V3n0mCa7na63]

@@thecajunphoenix yeah I enjoy using that line from time to time

[@lorileon2816]

She said she's 95% moved on😂 i think she meant 5%

[@beanie_buns]

I went LC with my mother 18 months ago because of her abusive nature which just tore me apart and left me suicidal. I couldn’t live with her anymore. Every now and then she’ll blow up my phone begging me to take her back and reconsider, but I doubt she even realises how much better my life is without her. She brings up old memories, hoping it’ll bring me around. She’s started using my grandma being unwell as a reason why we should reconnect. Nothing will break my resolve. Letting her back into my life would be two steps backwards. When I move to another new place in a few months I’ll go fully NC. It’s hard because she still has our cat, but I have to cut these last threads she has on me. She won’t know my new address.

[@computerghost9]

the narcissistic family structure is the same as an addict family structure it’s just that the addiction is to ego supply rather than a substance. narcissistic abuse/ a narcissistic abuser is not the same thing as someone diagnosed with NPD bc NPD can only be diagnosed if the person being diagnosed feels that it is disrupting their life and happiness. saying someone is narcissistic abusive is not calling them someone with NPD. an alcoholic parent who is in active addiction and bringing that into their home and making it their children’s and partners problem is narcissistic abuse but that doesn’t make said person automatically an NPD-haver. they should name these disorders better tbh

[@AshleyWilliams-xq7lj]

Yes. "Narcissist" is an old colloquial term originating from the myth of Narcissus and Echo. The word narcissist is most often used to describe someone who is behaving like Narcissus. Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a diagnosis with stringent criteria.

[@jbvin]

I would argue that in both cases the problem is the parent indulging their impulses at the expense of the child's needs. It's difficult with the heavy criminalization, but with the right supports it is possible to have a parent who struggles with addiction that doesn't ignore what their kid needs from them. The demonization of addiction is actually a major contributor to the negative effects it has on family members because when someone is an addict they are denied the supports they need to survive and get better. Addiction is not a moral failure, it's a medical issue that is punished instead of treated in our society

[@computerghost9]

@@jbvin i’m sorry my friend i never meant to imply that a parent struggling with substance abuse would be automatically on the same moral playing field as an abuser. i see where you could have got that from, rereading over my comment so let me clarify i was only trying to make the comparison of narcissistic family systems/narcissistic relational abuse to an alcoholic family system because they both describe Behavior rather than narcissistic personality disorder which which is a Diagnosis. i believe strongly that the lack of dignity, love, compassion, safety, and services for those suffering with substance abuse disorder is a tragedy.

[@WhiskeyRichard.]

@@computerghost9 Also, pardon me if I'm incorrect, but the subject's consent is also not required for diagnosis. The disorder can be causing harm to self, others, or society, so there are a variety of reasons someone may or may not be diagnosed. People with NPD rarely seek treatment because the disorder tends to be very egosyntonic, so there are likely three or more times as many undiagnosed people with NPD as there are diagnosed. The threshold - or at least, driving factor - for seeking therapy or otherwise a situation where such diagnosis could occur varies from person to person. Some people tolerate arrogant bullies; some people tolerate infidelitous spouses; some people tolerate violent alcoholics *(and they never should).* Even police involvement doesn't really guarantee anything. Different strokes, some people live in dysfunction because that is what they know or choose. The personality disorder itself is also a spectra (of spectrum), that waxes and wanes over time, so all these stars have to align. That also assumes correct diagnosis, and if it's NPD, the patient is not likely going to be a reliable account of their own history, which may or may not be detectable by the clinician, who is also a flawed human making educated guesses. Narcissism - especially malignant narcissicism - is a feature of _many_ conditions, both psychological, neurological and otherwise. Bipolar disorder, psychopathy, ASPD, HPD, BPD, frontal lobe damage, amygdalic damage, autism, schizotypy, drugs... _starvation._

[@computerghost9]

@@WhiskeyRichard. well i mean outside of an inpatient psych facility the clinician does need the subject’s consent for diagnosis, right? they need to share their perspective with a clinician and by doing they are consenting and if they are seeking out treatment that means they aren’t happy, yes? that’s sort of where i’m coming from. I got it from Dr.Ramani on youtube in the idea that you can’t just diagnose someone with NPD if they aren’t willing to face it themselves bc that would be “asshole disease”.

[@maryj4894]

1:11:50 Actually Diane you can do something about it. You can accept responsibility and stop blaming society (and everything else) and stop bashing Hailey. What Diane is doing is exactly the opposite of what she should be doing if she wanted her daughter back. I do fear for Hailey and if she does the unthinkable it’s 100% on Diane.

[@ignatius3104]

I cannot with this woman.. "...give back to people who actually do want our love" literally the only thing your daughter wanted from you but clearly never got.

[@yourworstfan]

"Giving it to God" is a catch phrase a lot of Christians (both genuinely spiritual ones and performative ones) say. It's not "you're dead to me," usually. It's an acknowledgement (or allegation) that a certain issue is out of one's control.

[@ninefoldrin5507]

Gotta say, a lot of the way she talks about how she's such a good parent and doesn't deserve her daughter cutting her off... This is the exact same mentality that boomers and older gen x especially have been accusing millennials of since millennials were kids: She just wants a participation trophy. She did the bare minimum and wants a trophy. The funny thing is, kids never asked for participation trophies, but her? She IS asking for a participation trophy. She wants a medal for not being violently abusive. She wants a plaque for not leaving a baby to die. It's somewhat interesting how people like her (likely her too) complained about participation trophies as well as complained and still complain, as she does, about "young people on the internet/phones/social media/etc." and yet they make these very complaints ON social media where they often spend more time than the kids they complain about. It's wild how these people end up being the exact same kind of people (negatively) that they always complained about the children being, who, obviously, were children at the time. Their criticisms of those younger become predictions for themselves.

[@stacyfakename]

The good moments did exist, but my mother called me names, threatened to send me to my deadbeat dad, threatened to call CPS and get me put into foster care, said things I can't repeat when I was SHing, put her hands on me, and consistently doesn't respect my boundaries. If I cut her off it'll be nasty and scary but deserved. Though the way things are going she may hit one of my solid boundaries and decide to give me the "silent treatment" indefinitely.

[@mollymebruer9455]

I was thankful to realize at some point that I was fantasizing my child’s life for them and that I needed to understand that it wasn’t my dream to dream. It is really hard to stop yourself from putting your dream on them. Your child is, in fact, in the process of leaving you from day one. I realized that I was not as cool with that as I thought when I was good with my AFAB child talking about being a lesbian but just about started crying when they imagined wearing a suit when they got married. Yep, I was still trying to pick out the dress in my fantasy. For me it is a constant struggle to try to hold myself back. I fail frequently but try to keep communication open. It is very tricky transitioning to an adult relationship with your kid. Still a work in progress here.

[@antigonesurefire888]

I just want to say you sound like a wonderfully caring parent. Giving you kudos and encouragement!

[@jwsuicides8095]

I can imagine myself being like you. x

[@ariverdreaming]

Good for you for self reflecting and being ready to grow!

[@MaryAlice08]

I can understand relating to these emotional responses and having compassion and empathy for the estranged parent. But I think it's important to acknowledge the difference between a reaction and a thought that you've put time into; a thought you've recorded, edited, and posted videos about. My brain keeps going back to the part where Diane describes watching all her daughter's tiktoks and being upset she was never mentioned. I've seen a few reactions empathizing with that reaction but by the time she posted that video that wasn't a reaction anymore; that's just how she's cemented her feeling about not being in her daughter's tiktoks. "Well gee she didn't talk about me at all," can both be an understandable emotional reaction and one that might not be indicative of a healthy relationship and should be checked. Her adult daughter's tiktoks aren't about her and they don't have to be. It is understandable to be sad that it looks like someone didn't think about you but 9 times out of 10 it's not about you and after an emotional reaction I think it's important to think about and acknowledge that.

[@randomchick901]

Something about her being like “who cares about the election anyways??” really pissed me off. Your CHILD does!! It doesn’t matter if you don’t care, your child clearly /does/ care. So why not take that seriously? Listen to them? Understand why they care? She was just used to being able to ignore her child’s actual wants/needs and this was just the straw that broke the camels back

[@mariamatmos4506]

She wasn’t putting love. She was giving her child a loan.

[@soulbitten]

I love how she listed all of the reasons why a parent might choose to go no contact with their kids but didn't name any reasons why kids might want to go no contact. I would say she doesn't have self awareness, but she clearly does; she just purposefully refuses to consider what she could have done to cause this estrangement. She can't accept any possibility of being wrong because she still sees herself as an authority figure. Does a dictator ever consider the possibility that they could be wrong? EDIT: Also, she keeps implying that estrangement is some sort of fad or trend. What exactly are the benefits of it, if the parent has done nothing wrong? Does she not realize that the estrangement was probably as painful for her daughter as it was for her?

[@JustMeThx178]

I'm VLC with my mother, and my father and I are slowly working towards reconciliation. This woman reminds me of the type who quotes "women file for divorce 80% of the time" without acknowledging the reasons. I am the person who finally stood up and said the abuse has to stop. I have become the "black sheep" because I outed the abuse and the addiction and the things they wanted to hide. I know my daughter will at some point come to me and say it was hard having me as a mother in the beginning when I was starting my healing journey. I hope by the time she is an adult I have done enough work that we can still be close like we are now but if not, I can accept that my trauma will have impacted her for sure.

[@drowningindeepblue]

I love when setting healthy boundaries is called a "trend" 🙄🙄🙄

[@coltsfan354]

Kids want to be able to look up to their parents. I tried to mend fences before my dad died, and he was so lost to alcoholism that he was basically a different person, but even two years later, it still fucks me up more and more to not be able to look at him positively. But it's in admitting to yourself that you didn't always "do your best" and being able to accept that that is the issue.

[@IceFireofVoid]

It's so funny when they start listing things that made them a good parent and it's just bare minimum essentials like ? Ok? You successfully got your baby to not starve to death. Does she think the cutoff point for a bad parent are the ones where their kid literally died from the neglect?

[@TeethHaver]

as diane continues on her parents do this parents do that rant, she spends so long calling the child an 'it' i was beginning to get concerned. you talk about a plant this way, "yes i watered it before i left" not "yes i changed its diaper before I left" its very possessive and is very objectifying of the person in their care

[@IceFireofVoid]

Considering she made transphobic comments in another video, it could be that she's going out of her way to avoid usage of a singular "they". Usage of they/them for a singular person is centuries old, but transphobes will often act like it isn't and make a deliberate choice to wipe it from their own vocabulary to prove a point.

[@TeethHaver]

@IceFireofVoid oh this is such a good point- adds extra context i hadnt considered but im almost certain is the case now that you've explained it

[@Pratt_]

2:20:45 "maybe she is just having a very bad week at work" Ikr, who never had a bad week at work or school and decided to cut contact with your supposedly wonderful and carring parents ?? How can you say that with a straight face

[@EL67671]

I resonate with your outlook and parenting style so damn much! Its like youve plucked every thought out of my head and im so glad that theres so many others here who agree. This generation of parents will raise some of the most healthy kids and i cant wait to see that outcome!

[@leah5429]

so wild that this mother views this situation as just this thing that happened to her and that she has no part of. She seems to expect that her child will just reach out to one day and apologize or something. I wonder what would have happened if she just actually engaged with the first letter her child sent instead of just inexplicably ignoring it and assuming it would blow over.

[@leah5429]

also, i find it interesting that she mentions that her child “broke the social contract” by breaking contact with her. What a weird thing to admit! It’s almost like she’s saying it doesn’t matter how I treated my child, I’m supposed to be given access to them! I know she hasn’t read the whole letter from her child, but I remember that one part mentioned that the mother expected a transactional relationship. I have no problem believing that. And I think the mom doesn’t understand that that’s not a healthy basis for a relationship.

[@kelleyturner6584]

It took my husband, at the age of 67 years old, to break free from the narcissists that were his parents. It took him.seeing hide older brother and he mother, physically assaulting me to finally break free. He then attempted suicide 8 days later, as he was so trauma bonded to them. It took these two things and permanent restraining orders to help him break free from the constant criticism, negativeness, manipulation and control from not only his parents, but his entire family. It is just he and I and our children and grandchildren!

[@Trynsa]

This woman sounds like she’d be one of those people who, when I tried to explain my past, would say that they were trying their best, and tell me that I needed to show more grace. I cannot handle this weird generalization that all people who have kids “shower them with love.” No, my mother did not love me. I was a tool, for her. My father was too ambivalent and detached to care. My parents were a guidepost all their own, not just in how not to be, but I generally felt that if I was lost on what to do with my own child, just do the *opposite* of what they did. Hearing her go on and on about how unfair it all is… my question is, how often did you brush off your child’s complaints with “well life isn’t fair”? Maybe take all of this praise and reassurance you have to offer yourself (for doing the bare minimum, no less), and put that towards your kid, ma’am. 🙄

[@annabeinglazy5580]

"it was about politics" combined with "politics" being the child's.... Existence... .... Lady, I my parents started voting for people who want to throw people like me either into institutions, outside of main stream society or straight up want me dead, then yh, Id be cutting them off too. Why should I keep trying to have a relationship with someone who wants me dead? It would be a thousand times easier for me to be on friendly terms with a stranger who holds such views. Because theyre a Stranger. At the end of the day, their spite isnt Personal. I can handle that. I canNOT handle that sh*t from family

[@Roze_budd]

This vid just reminds me of all the reasons I cut contact with my dad. The abuse I experienced was narcissistic. And when I finally told them they said I needed to help them change because people were counting on me for it. When there were many many texts stating her downfalls and instead of reading to learn she read to respond. The abuse and the forced isolation got to the point I thought the only way out was to kill myself.

[@Holly89989]

"Everyone is good and bad." This is so essential for me with my recovery from borderline features. It's been critical to see nuance, shades of gray, acknowledging my responsibility over my emotions at the same time I acknowledge others' behavior. I've been concerned that therapy sometimes becomes affirmation-only for clients who are lacking insight but you are absolutely correct in what you said here and it's great to hear those points made that advocate for nuance and measured conclusions. The estranged mom's video seems to vacillate between great/good and bad/terrible verbiage. Hmm.

[@IL_801]

Crazy how she feels hurt and encourages removing herself from that discomfort, and seeks out others like her in order to make sense of things. If only her daughter did that, hmmm.......

[@distracted-dad]

she thinks it's about something she did because she can't own it's about something she is

[@alienatedd]

truth

[@karaa7595]

Yes!

[@redblackroses23]

My subjective understanding of love is that it requires you to risk your self-actualization. If someone you love tells you for you've hurt them so severely that they have to remove you from their life, actually loving them means reflecting on yourself and your actions and what that means about you. If youve spent decades internally identifying yourself as a "good mom" and suddenly the validity of that identity is challeneged, you have two options. you can either shut down to protect your idea of yourself - knowing it will cost you the person you "love". Or, you can dismantle that identity and re-examine it through a new lense - knowing that might cost you your current concept of self. And if your "love" for someone isnt worth re-examining your concept of self in light of pain and suffering youve caused, then im 100% comfortable saying you dont love them.

[@samf4112]

Something this mom (i forgot her name at this point in the video [at 59:13 currently] and am not goinf to go back and search for it) is not considering is that all those good moments? They dont erase the bad. They dont make the terrible easier. When my mom has fun with me, sometimes I'm able to forget all the things she did, but often times I can't. Often times I'm bracing myself for the next instant that'll make me hurt.

[@mhw4658]

@@samf4112 😔🫂💜 so relatable

[@IceFireofVoid]

It's typical when love is perceived as transactional. They think you can "make up" for being hurtful by doing something positive, like the good is supposed to cancel out the bad, instead of existing alongside it.

[@witcherye]

my mom also thinks that just because we're having a good time now, then all the shit from the past has been erased

[@ColoradoMntn1222]

I'm not sure if Diane is aware of this, but most P-files do all of the things she listed in the pro column. They love to play with kids and do things with them and comfort them and get close to them and look after them and get involved in their lives. Meeting a small child's basic needs doesn't mean it's okay to abuse them as adults. It just means that you won't lawfully lose custody of your children when they're young. Congratulations, I guess? CPS had no reason to take my kids! I'm the best ever! Umm, no. I question whether she tells the whole story anyway, though, because she didn't tell the whole story about what happened with her adult children and she was dishonest about many things, so there is no reason to take her word without a grain of salt.

[@WhiskeyRichard.]

I only watched your [excellent] documentary on this subject last week, so it was a blessing to catch this. Thanks very much, you da bomb _(♪You made a fool of me, but them broken dreams, have got to end...♪)_