im watching this now and like... this lady made me want to talk to my parents more, simply because our family structure was such that we just don't talk much.... like we aren't estranged, we just aren't like...that kind of family... but lord above i want my parents to know that i am absolutely thankful that they aren't like this psycho and her weird entitlement kink. great video and earned my sub on this.

1000000%

👏👏👏👏👏👏👏

This video was so validating. Thank you.

It’s really sad to see this mother brainwashing herself but tight wing nonsense to literally point at the passage of time as the problem, not her.

she thinks it's about something she did because she can't own it's about something she is

it's just unreal that they pretend like they don't know where to look when their children go for so long telling them all the problems and being as clear and vocal as possible about what they were going through and they pretend like they never were given any hints or any indication of what was wrong from the beginning. they act like they've never been told where the actual root cause of the issue is but they have been given numerous chances to reassess every time that they have ever fucked up or deeply hurt their child

One tip, the music at the end got too loud to hear you! Amazing video tho

You are really into body language interpretation. Im not defending this woman but you are constantly interpreting what she feels and taking everything in the worst way possible. Feels like projecting. People are nuanced.

wow this woman is like a copy of my mother, i’ve decided to go no contact with her after the last time she kicked me out then reported me to the police for not coming back, she continues to gossip about my mental health issues and tell the family that im a horrible human being :/ while doing this she still says she wants me to come back, im only 16 but I physically can’t go back to her another time, I am not horrible and I just miss my mom, I just want her to accept that she has made mistakes and try to work on them :(

This list on "what forgiveness is not" has helped me a lot • Forgiveness is not condoning • Forgiveness is not forgetting • Forgiveness is not excusing (i.e. making reasons to explain away offender's responsibility or free will) • Forgiveness does not have to be religious or otherworldly • Forgiveness is not minimizing your hurt • Forgiveness is not reconciliation (i.e. reestablishing trust in the relationship) • Forgiveness is not denying or suppressing anger; rather its focus is on resentment. In particular, in order to forgive it is healthy to acknowledge and express negative emotions, before you can forgive • Forgiveness is not ignoring accountability or justice. In particular, punishment and compensation are independent of the choice to forgive (you can forgive, or not forgive, and still pursue punishment and/or compensation, regardless) • Forgiveness is not pardoning; it cannot be granted or chosen by someone else • Emotional forgiveness is not the same as decisional forgiveness or the expression of forgiveness. Expressing emotions (i.e., "I am angry at you" or "I forgive you") is not the same as genuinely having or experiencing the emotions (i.e., people can deny, mistake, or lie about their emotional experience to another person while genuinely feeling something else instead) • Although this is heavily debated, emotional forgiveness is for you, not the offender (i.e., unless you choose to make it so: by expressing it, or by trying to reconcile) From the Wikipedia article on Forgiveness

1:03:20 I like that you say that comparing genocide to hitler is okay, since many people say it isn't and I don't understand why.

I do find value in this; "It's like grieving someone who's alive, but they're dead to you" 41:55 It's definitely expressed callously, and unnecessarily so. However, I do find value in it. Let me explain I'm trans. People greiving the "death" or loss of who they thought trans people were or were going to be is unfortunately not uncommon I can't myself relate to it. I don't understand creating these expectations of what other peoples lives are going to look like - especially based on gender. Marriage, kids, career ect. However, it is quite common, not only for parents, but society, to place these expectations on people. To have these scripts written out on other people's lives and get attached to them. Especially parents, it seems. So - the obvious solution would be to stol making assumptions. Stop assuming your child (or anyone) are straight, want to get married, want to get kids ect. Then you won't be so shocked and have to grieve a future that was never going to happen. BUT! Since it IS quite common for these expecations to exist - it's very healthy and an important step to take time to grieve the "death" of the future you imagined for your child, the "death" of your relationship, the "death" of the person you thought the were or would become. Giving yourself space to grieve leads way to acceptance. It's part of the process to let go of who you expected the person to be, and embrace who the person IS. Should that have been the case from the get go, that the actual person had been embraced for who they are? Yes. But, since that didn't happen, grieving, accepting, then embracing is the best recourse I myself have grieved care givers in this strange ambigous "they're still alive, but it feels like grieving a death" because who I thought they were, or hoped they could become, was "dead". They were never real, they were never going to become real. Grieving the loss of who I'd hoped they would be paved the way to accept the reality of who they are. It's much healthier to love in reality. It's not pretty, and it's quite fucked up. Especially when it's a parent who havent been able to acknowledge the person their child is, blinded by who the parents wanted them to be. But - letting go of that delusion and coming to terms with reality is healthy. Even when wording it as the real person's "death" rather than the death of your illusion of them Tl;dr I find the grieving process of who the estranged parent (unreasonably) expected their child to be, to be healthy. Even if worded callously

she even seems insulted by the news about their daughter having adhd and autism. that information alone should have been enough to scan their entire story together with a new perspective

27:18 I really appreciate your honesty and vulnerability. That you're wiling to engage with Diane in good faith I'm trying to learn emotional maturity as well. I have important adult caregivers in my life that I've had to cut off because they were unable to emotionally regulate themselves. Unable to admit their faults, take accountability and grow. Now I'm an adult myself, and I find myself struggle to gain those very same skills and tools. Admitting when I'm wrong, taking accountability, not playing victim, not being so imcreidibly self critical and low in self-esteem that I can't take external criticism I hope to learn, so I can avoid repeating the very things that hurt me. And - though attacking is nice, and often genuinely helpful. It's also antithetic to vulnerability. And admitting fault is inherently vulnerable. So, thank you for daring to include that in your reflections Please don't underestimate the weight of being this vulenrable online. It's both important and rough work. Take care of yourself ❤️

1:04:20 I honestly find it a healthy step in the right the direction what the estranged mom is saying here In her own mental gymnastics way, she's saying "You need to let go. Stop obsessing over your child, stop trying to force contact. Give them space. They are an adult. Trust that they will be okay. Respect their wish not to have contact. Continue living your life and heal, instead of holding on to the idea of what your relationship with your child SHOULD be in a death grip" After years of trying to disrespecting my boundaries and trying to force, coerce and guilt trip contact, a someone finally said something similar to me. That they "couldn't take the rejections anymore" and had "given up" on "reaching out" to me and were going to concentrate on "living their own life" Which I was like.. Thank you? That's what I've been asking for for years? It was clear that this person thought them respecting my request to not reach out to me was somehow cruel or a punishment to me. They might have even been a bit smug? That they could finally "give me a taste of my own medicin" and "punish me" by withdrawing their contact like I'd "punished" them by withdrawing mine? Maybe they were happy to have a sense of control back? That contact was no longer solely "on my terms", but theirs as well? I don't know. It definitely isn't coming from a completely healthy, processed or healed place. However! It is a step away from the obsession and the constant boundary crossing and borderline stalking, towards actually letting the estranged child be It's not taking accountability, and therefore not a direct step towards reconciliation. But it IS a step away from the harassment - which is turning down for behaviour that is the antithesis of reconciliation, and is finally allowing the child some peace. And, honestly, probably the parent too. Maybe they'll have time and energy to heal, now that they've stopped obsessing over their child. All this resentment, guilt, anger, mourning. It's exhausting. Or maybe they never heal. Regardless, the child is allowed peace, which is a good and healthy development So - it's not great, per say. But the estranged mom advicing other estranged parents to let go of their obsession and love their live is geniunely a step in a healthier direction, and I hope she continues to share this advice. It's better for everyone involved than the advice I've heard from her earlier in her journey

Her "HR lady" fake smile, the fake performative politeness, the expressions and mannerism she has, and most of all the fact that she decided to publicize intimate family issues simply made everything very clear near-instantly.

Oh goodness. This is just such a baaaaadddddd and triggering vid. I told my mom go to therapy. Because she is of the same mindset. I did allll this for you. Yeah. I know mom has already 'given me to God. " just vomit. Ugh. Yikes. I could bring up how she screamed at me when i was young. And was angry i didnt sweep the house ... Then hit me in the head with the broom handle. I could bring up when she took the door off the hinges because i locked her out once and asked for space. The door was off the hinges for a month. I could bring up how she would scream and bang her head on the doors or slam her hand on surfaces. I could bring up how she spanked me CONTINUOUSLY. To the point where i expected it daily. I could bring up how she made me the young mother and pushed responsibilities on me and had me change her babies. And babysit. And clean. Then blame me for the kids not liking me becayse im too bossy. I could bring up how she called me hypochondriac when i was sick. How she insisted i was a liar and blamed me for LYING whenever i told dad my brothers were being mean and they were beat. I mean. I have a lot more. But those are the top of the iceberg. I havent even touched on the more recent stuff.

this is why i'll never have kids. my parents aren't the best but i recognise they try their best so i ignore some of the problematic stuff. there are a million ways to hurt a child, ruin them for life without even realising it. it's too much responsibility and my need to do things well has made me decide to remain childless. my cats are good enough for me. technically they are my pets but let's be honest, they own my ass

She's so extremely condescending

Yeah I was waiting to see if these people were Trump cultists and man I hate being right.

20:50 is audio first time. 34:37 is audio for the narcissist mawm video

The Social Contract is not about the nuclear family. And how exactly is the government helping her daughter and abetting in their estrangement ? Is mommy a religious wingnut? Just curious. But my goodness, she is tragically insufferable.

Just another family broken apart by right wing extremism.

She said she's 95% moved on😂 i think she meant 5%

I'm only starting but all the "pouring love into them" is ick. Love isn't just about what giving someone what you think they need, but listening to what their actual needs are and doing your best to meet them. Just because you think you've been loving doesn't mean you actually gave the child the love they needed. Editing to add - her other videos she was mocking her daughter for having a found family and community with non-relatives. And here she is telling estranged parents to find new people... It's not ok for kids to do this but it's ok for the parents?

God, commenting again as I progress. I wrote a letter like that to my parents when I first tried to leave at 18. I had my school counsellor read it to soften it and try to make it as understanding as possible. I spent the first ten pages saying why they were great parents. I poured my soul out and asked to be heard. They call it the “letter of hate” till this day.

Obviously a vaccine and social distancing mandates are in no way comparable to Nazi Germany, though I would argue that you can compare more than just an active genocide to the regime. Hitler didn't start by talking about how excited he was to exterminate people, he started by othering social, religious and ethnic minorities (very similar to a certain person what's her face was claiming she should have every right to support)

When I cut contact with my family, I sent a letter expressing that I didn't want to receive calls, texts, letters, cards, gifts, visits, or anything from my family, and that I no longer wanted a relationship with them. I didn't even try to explain why I was cutting everyone off because any reason I gave for anything I wanted was always seen as me being selfish or making excuses. I don't care if I'm being selfish, I need to be able to live without having my PTSD triggered just by interacting with them. I've gone almost 3 years with no contact with them (except for an unfortunate incident where my parents actually managed to visit me because they parked their car where I couldn't see it), and my mental health has been so much better without them in my life. They don't want a relationship with me, they want someone they can control, and I refuse to be a part of that anymore. The only way to "win the game" is to not play in the first place. *edited for better rewording

How do I send this to my mom???

After watching your previous (excellent!) video on this, I watched a few of Diane's videos because I'm masochistic like that. A theme that she and some of her stans in the comments often bring up is "my child won't even go to therapy with me 😭". In my experience, and that of others I've talked to about this, therapy with an abuser is a *terrible* idea, whether it's a parent or partner. Narcissistic abusers particularly do not accept the premise of using therapy to work on themselves and improve their interaction with others. Instead, therapy just becomes another tool for them to extend their power and control over you. They use the things you bring up in therapy against you, and use the concepts and techniques they *learn* in therapy to better manipulate you. The most likely result is prolonging and deepening the psychological torture long after it should have ended. As an addendum, I would love for you to delve into therapy abuse. There's a subreddit called r/therapyabuse and the stories are absolutely harrowing. It's a more common problem than many would like to acknowledge. It's understandable that people don't want to take shots at a discipline that helps a lot of people, but it's also a huge, rapidly expanding and profitable industry, and has flaws like any other industry. These include lapses in oversight and quality control, such gaps in training and gatekeeping failures, by which I mean failures to keep out people who just shouldn't be given access to vulnerable people. You seem to have a lot of good instincts and insight and I'd love your thoughts.

I don’t mean to defend this awful woman who reminds me so much of my own parents I went no contact with - but I think I know what she means by ambiguous loss. That is a concept I learnt in therapy and it is how I felt about my parents while we were no contact - I know they are alive, but the grief is similar to that of them being dead, because I can’t talk to them about my problems, I can’t tell them I got promoted, they’re not there on holidays…it’s like they died. They are not dead TO me, I know they’re alive, but if I had contact with them at that time it would have destroyed me so I had to live with the fact I had perfectly alive parents yet it was if they were dead. And that compounds because I SHOULD have them in my life, I should have parents that love me and that are safe to be around, but I don’t. So I think that’s what she meant, except the difference is, she brought this on herself. Her daughter tried to reconcile and explain where she was hurt, then was ignored and THAT was when she realised contact was futile and painful.

Just wanted to put it out there that I've been to 6 therapists and 2 of them told me to cut off family members, one of whom told me to do it in the second session we had together. Her reasoning for asking me to cut my mother out of my life was because she has contact with my estranged brother. I told her that I don't think I have the right to try to control who my mother does and doesn't have contact with, especially if that person is her son. There are a lot of terrible therapists out there.

This is realy upsetting, because my mother struggled with an abusive mom. I am unbelievably lucky to have her, and she has earned my trust and admiration specifically because she somehow learned how to he a wonderful parent who compassionately gaught me, as a young man how to think for myself and feel for others. I wish she had the confidence to cut her mon out of her life, because my grandma is a complete mirror to her. I am extremely grateful that she was introdlective and intelligent enough to not repeat the cycle.

parents have the greatest home field advantage of anyone in any relationship. Kids want to love their parents, they want to forgive their parents, they want to like and get along with their parents. So when they can't, it's pretty damning.

This woman does for the concept of estrangement what screaming children in the supermarket do for the concept of contraceptives

Once they said they’re Lake Tahoe people it all clicked. I lived in Truckee and had to deal with people like this and yeah they’re just as awful as you’ve surmised from her videos. Hypercapitalist, entitled as all hell, zero sense or real-world perspective and wayyyy futthrt right wing than they’d ever admit in a public forum.

This is so cute and wonderful, and I needed to hear this. Thank you. ❤

Omg as she rants about the struggles of parenting she talks faster and faster. Shes just winding herself up ajd getting herself upset

fun fact: my parents have stated that if they could do things over knowing what they know now? they'd have cut off their parents before i was born. my parents are boomers, i'm in my 40s...

I hated the part where she has the "good column" and the "bad column". No amount of inoffensive parenting moments can truly balance out the bad, because the good that she describes is the bare minimum for caring for a child. You're right that it only takes a few powerful traumatic experiences to lose trust in a parent, as it should be.

Other reasons parents initiate estrangement is because they are entitled, manipulative and want to hurt us when they have felt slighted in some way. Kinda funny that all the reasons she gives are fault of the child.

also, you decided to have a kid. all the things she described doing for her kid? that's the basic fucking minimum you have to do to not go to jail, ffs!

i find that the common denominator among this type of estranged parent is the total refusal to actually listen and take in what their adult children are saying. like reducing a fundamental divide on who deserves basic human rights to a mere disagreement about politics.

This is what America's become Kids bite the hand that fed them

Sounds like it would be more accurate to say she was cut off over bigotry rather than politics.

I really appreciate this video. I'm a australian family therapist (loved the Bowen reference!). Your reflections about Gen Z/millennial lacking boundaries with their children and being overly permissive is on point and I've seen this at times in my practice. Of course not all parents, but many have deep fears about being controlling and authoritarian, and so swing the other way as to not see themselves as potentially being like their parents. Your breakdown of the behaviours from Diane was very thorough, and you highlight some really important areas regarding neurobiological trauma responses and the way this can shape relationships and peoples' growing up experiences. At least from a Bowenian pov, families like these (w Diane etc) probably have some intergenerational family of origin stuff going on that has impacted their parenting choices and capacity to differentiate their thoughts and emotions, this would likely need to be broached first before there is much hope of rectifying their relationship with their daughter (in a family therapy setting). This is because to have any sort of healing conversation, all parties need to be able to feel safe within this setting for it to be useful, parents need to soften and understand their motivations behind wanting to reconnect, and be reminded of this goal again and again, as they can often get caught in blaming and villainising language because they are hurt. Another concept you may be interested in is the Contextual Family Therapy notion of 'destructive entitlement'. Contextual FT is a great framework in thinking about intergenerational cut off and abuse as it uses a relational ethics frame that understands all family members as needing fair and just relationships.

She describes her daughter's letter as "angry" and hers as "sad", cause she's always the victim 🙄 DARVO

This person had a little run of rattling off a bunch of fascist talking points, like the cycles of history thing, stuff about degeneracy, the new world order & deep state stuff. Not to mention the typical conservative idea that people shouldn't judge people for voting republican, as if it's just a fact about you that you can't change and doesn't matter. When you don't care what happens to other people, it's easy to not understand why other people get upset when you hurt other people.

The way she uses "it" instead of "they/them" when taking about a child is telling.