What does feminism say about "gold diggers" | Khadija Mbowe

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[@DorinBudusan]

I love your videos and this one is no exception. What I want to add to the comments is a critique of Ghodsee's book and not your video. I recently stumbled upon the work of a Romanian feminist scholar, Voichita Nachescu who incidentally wrote a great critique of this book. I picked some quotes from it, but I really recommend reading her full essay, as the voices of Eastern European women who actually lived under socialism should be at the forefront of this discussion. "I expected to learn something new about socialism from Better Sex, but in fact, ethnographic research (not by the author) about Eastern European women’s relationships under socialism does not appear until the fifth chapter, and the research proving that women had better sex is at best uneven-three books for East Germany; one twenty-page article for the whole Soviet Union; another article for Hungary, but the reference is missing; one for Czechoslovakia that claims the opposite of the author’s argument, etc. Eastern European women themselves get to speak on the topic exactly three times in the whole book (one woman because she told Ghodsee that she had “nailed it”). For those who expect to learn something about what socialist feminism might look like in this day and age, the book disappoints again. Like in so many contemporary debates about socialism, Ghodsee quickly veers toward how the Nordic European countries do it right, although their social system is in fact corporatist with a strong welfare state, and not socialist. The author simply uses the sex lives of Eastern European women to spice up an old-fashioned argument that comes straight from the playbook of white liberal feminism, namely that women’s employment and the welfare state can improve their lives. In the process, Eastern European women are sexualized, objectified, and silenced." "This is the moment [the revolutions that ended the communist regimes in Eastern Europe], in my life and in the lives of millions of Eastern Europeans, that Ghodsee chooses to ridicule by arguing that we were duped by capitalist propaganda, naïve enough to hope for “a new consumer Xanadu of unlimited Levi’s jeans and Cacharel perfumes” (158). This misses the point. We were not duped by capitalism and didn’t desire exploitation, and a lot of us saw Western consumerism as both shallow and wasteful. It’s more because of our poverty and powerlessness than our intelligence that in the end all we got in Eastern Europe was neoliberal capitalism. After all, even American citizens, empowered, enlightened individuals, have been unable to stop its ruthless progress." "And it’s not just women from Eastern Europe who might have something to say about socialism. Better Sex, while claiming to be about socialism in general, is strictly Eurocentric and entirely ignores socialist societies in Asia or Latin America or postcolonial African nations. And just as Ghodsee claims to write about socialism, but only refers to socialism in (Eastern) Europe, when she writes about women, she means ethnic majority, educated women, for whom gender is the only axis of oppression. Ghodsee’s feminism, of course, is white feminism, namely the type of feminism that sees gender oppression as the only oppression that women face and that centers the experiences of white (or ethnic majority women) as the female experience in general. We don’t hear anything anywhere in Better Sex about Eastern European women who are Muslim or Roma, from other ethnic or religious minorities, or living in rural areas. And even in the many pages that Ghodsee dedicates to western societies, race, class, immigrant status, or even sexuality are rarely if ever mentioned." sites.lsa.umich.edu/mqr/2019/10/why-eastern-european-womens-sexual-pleasure-is-their-own-business-and-other-arguments-for-intersectional-socialism/

[@KhadijaMbowe]

Ooooh thank you for sharing this!!!

[@DorinBudusan]

@@KhadijaMbowe wow, thanks for the pin❤

[@LoneWulf278]

Thank you for sharing this critique. I’m going to look for more work by this Romanian woman. She seems really intelligent.

[@DorinBudusan]

​@@LoneWulf278 you can find a bunch of stuff from her on Academia. I personally recommend Unclassifiable Outsiders: Eastern European Women, Transnational Whiteness, and Solidarity

[@LoneWulf278]

@@DorinBudusan Thank you so much! I’ll look for that. 🙏🏾

[@ForeignManinaForeignLand]

If ya thought Khadija skin didn’t get no better, introducing - Auntie discovers natural lighting 😩

[@BellamyJay]

Lmfao just discovered the sun 🌞 😂

[@KhadijaMbowe]

loooool

[@ayeilak5]

@@BellamyJay yess Melanie poping ❤️❤️❤️❤️

[@HyphenatedHistoryUK]

@@ayeilak5 Melanie Popping would make an excellent drag name tbh

[@ayeilak5]

@@HyphenatedHistoryUK yesss I love that ❤️❤️❤️❤️🤩

[@blackknightclub]

if we talkin gold diggers, lemme just say, as a black guy, it’s honestly stupid to me how other men, ESPECIALLY black dudes will get mad or look down on gold diggers but not want their female partners to make less money than them, so they can provide for them as if they can’t themselves; but that’s what a sugar daddy kinda is, SO WHATS THE ISSUE???

[@Orchid_1026]

The contradictions are baffling...and the gag is: They don't even realize how ridiculous they look.

[@mitthrawnuruodo1730]

There’s a difference between a gold digger/sugar daddy and a provider…

[@mitthrawnuruodo1730]

Plus biology.

[@juststatedtheobvious9633]

Insecurity creates hypocrisy. But with that said, the gold digger is someone who reduces you to your money, without giving anything genuine in return. It's like being used for sex. At least, that's my understanding of it as an often objectified sexual assault survivor with little money? I'm aware that this is over-simplified. But I'd guess that the man who provides is agreeing to a mutually beneficial relationship where she doesn't need to work herself to exhaustion? I'd imagine there's some emotional connection involved, plus whatever else they agree on between them? I've been with women who made more money than me (it's hard to completely avoid the situation), and as painful as it is to admit it, I know it would have crushed some hyper-competitive egos if I suddenly became the wealthy one. And now that I think about it, maybe that's the secret of it all. Stupid games. Masculine minds, whether they're men or women, want to feel strong. They desire a feminine mind to protect, sometimes out of love, but also because of the power dynamics. A gold digger? That's someone exploiting their weakness. Which is why they're only popular in finDom circles.

[@iwasbornunderwater]

I'm meeting the worst versions. The ones upset when a blk woman makes more than them but they don't make much themselves. So...what? We must just be both broke? 🤯

[@Orangeisgreat383]

From a European perspective: I always thought the lack of social security, health care and maternity leave in the US forces women to look for partners that can help or add financially.

[@shushunk00]

u meant western,nordic european perspective,not eastern european pov right? ,as they fall in the 2nd world country category

[@faemaiden5090]

@@shushunk00 Poland was the first country in the world to have maternity leave.

[@shushunk00]

@@faemaiden5090 dont disagree with that but there r multiple factors that change a socioeconomic situation(for example having more reactionary,gender essentialism,hetero normativity,etc views than the privileged citizens in the western European nations have) in a country ,as a whole eastern is the cheap labour market for the western european/global north nation to exploit,just they do with other global south/third world countr's economy and its people. average people do get the exploitation benefit in the western,nordic europeans nations from the eastern eupoean nations, I hope u get what I am saying ,u know

[@ilana8153]

@@faemaiden5090 Poland banned any bodily autonomy for women tho

[@Orangeisgreat383]

@@shushunk00 No I just wanted to give an outsiders perspective without getting into too much detail.

[@ohbooyourselves]

Most people that accuse women of being gold diggers don't have any "gold" to begin with

[@KhadijaMbowe]

OOP.

[@ohbooyourselves]

@@KhadijaMbowe oop.

[@iwasbornunderwater]

🗣 Hallelujah!

[@ayeilak5]

Lol yess I said this too 🤣😂🤣🤣

[@yougotgamesonyourphone6947]

Exactly, cuz most of the men that DO, don’t sit on social media complaining about gold diggers

[@botanicalitus4194]

i feel like there are a ton of women who arent "gold diggers", the only women who are gold diggers tend to be super conventionally attractive instagram baddies/models, so I dont feel bad for poor guys bc if they didnt have a high standard for women they could easily find regular women to date. But guys have standards like, she has to be young, fit, big booty, cant be a mom, has to look and act like a corn star in bed...etc. If you have high standards for women, expect for those women to have high standards back.

[@Lavender_Raine]

Period

[@mammajamma4397]

Corn star, love it 🤣🤣🤣🤣

[@WorldofDaisyFlowers]

Not corn star 😂

[@tlamelangmasemola]

@@WorldofDaisyFlowers that's how people censor the word porn on tiktok bc of the rules and stuff💀

[@YourMajesty143]

I was like "Corn star?! Is this a foot fetish, bc I already got rid of corns on my feet. Y'all, dont tell me I coulda been hip widdit!" 😆

[@thejusticar1693]

I don't even think that this is really about broke men not being able to PAY for the kitty, but more about how a lot of women have been treated by men of that socioeconomic status. As a black woman, my dating life has been so much better having financial standards for who I date. I admit that this is a poor way to filter potential partners, but I can't tell you the number of "broke" men who I've dated who have either resented me for doing better than them or become angry or controlling towards me in order to assert dominance. This is another vector of capitalism and its ties to toxic masculinity that can make selecting a mate even harder. I honestly feel more safe dating a man who has the ability to pay rent and buy groceries.

[@bajabl]

I agree. It’s like their masculinity is wounded and they get so weird and mean about it

[@bajabl]

Them movies about going for the average guy lied to us lol

[@monimuppet6132]

Same.

[@dreamyanon5151]

@@bajabl Or rather, they were never for "us", they were only fantasies for average guys

[@btarczy5067]

Yeah, the conversation about „gold diggers“ so often leaves out that part of it. How often have I heard from conservative men that they HAVE TO be the breadwinner of the family? And not to exclude anyone; while outwardly more progressive men might not say it almost everyone still grew up in a culture in which those values are lived by many leading to some passive progressiveness. It requires a conscious effort to overcome feelings of inadequacy when traditional roles are broken up and too often the end result is resentment towards the partner.

[@KhadijaMbowe]

The actual content is 10 minutes, the credits are what made it longe- you'll see...

[@BellamyJay]

😒

[@BellamyJay]

I made the joke already but it was too tempting. I had to. I'm weak.

[@adafihj6439]

this is why Khadija is needed in these youtube streets. asking and breaking down the real questions 😂

[@KhadijaMbowe]

🤓

[@bmwjourdandunngoddess6024]

Period. 🤣💙

[@Darkthestral1]

The funniest thing about the whole "gold digging" thing to me is the historical context of how a lot of european women had access to money. Like... You were expected to have a dowery and were (if you were marrying wealthy in certain times) essentially being sold to a man. The only benefit would often be the material comfort that the marriage could provid you and your family. Not all marriage was like this obviously, especially among peasants. But marriage has been very transactional for a long time especially for a woman. And women that earned their own money were often looked down upon. For example a spinster was originally a woman who spun thread, and could often earn a living that way. Since society didn't like that it became a derogatory term. It's just darkly amusing that men created the game, some women said "fine I'll play" and then guys are all Shocked Pickachu Face (For the record I'm not addressing individuals, society screws us all, just some more than others)

[@liastorm795]

BOOM💥💥💥 Men hateeee that women keep getting smarter and smarter, and can play the game better than them😂

[@LoneWulf278]

This comment! 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽 There’s really nothing else to say. It’s like men only want patriarchy when they can use it to feel valuable and powerful. But they switch up when it hurts their self-esteem. Like, pick a side already. 😂

[@mi3helle707]

This one

[@annward7794]

You said it all. 💣❤️‍🔥

[@catrionabean]

There’s a speech Marilyn Monroe gives at the end of “Gentlemen Prefer Blondes” that basically comes down to this point - since this is the game why shouldn’t a woman play it?

[@vtecef9]

When you talked about incels attacking the Women instead of the system, and then sipped that tea. I felt that on a different level! It’s so true.

[@360shadowmoon]

It’s such a coincidence you released this video because this is a topic my friend and I were discussing. My main issue is that men who throw around the phrase “gold digger” don’t differentiate between circumstances where women would have to marry above their income level as the only means to economic security the system would allow, and situations where a woman is genuinely behaving maliciously. They also completely ignore the number of men who use women for their money and status, which is more common than is acknowledged. There is an anecdotal trend among women who left abusive marriages where they relate that their abusive husbands refused to pay for anything for the household, and would force their wives to pay for food, rent/mortgage, etc.

[@esmeraldagreengate4354]

Yes. This was my parents relationship my dad earned more than my mum but made her pay all the bills then my dad cheated on my mum and now he pays for everything in his new relationship and is in massive debt

[@elleofhearts8471]

I just saw the documentary on the tinder swindler YESTERDAY. This comment and video triangulates perfectlyyyy for me

[@liastorm795]

@@esmeraldagreengate4354 I hope you and your mom is blessed🙏🏽……. Your dad can suffer🙄

[@vitoriabottaro]

absolutely! this is called financial/economic abuse and it's sadly a very common type of violence used against women in abusive relationships and marriages

[@SupaSweetKay]

Right! And I hate how a lot of the times they act as though it’s often not an “exchange”. Plenty of rich and well off men will only get with women with perfect faces and bodies. They want them to look a very specific way, and how is that any less shallow? If a man only sees the value of a woman’s body and appearance, then why can’t that same woman only see the man’s value from his money. It’ll be a shallow relationship and even exchange

[@Cat-tastrophee]

The same men who complain about gold diggers flaunt their wealth to attract women. Sir, did you think they'd love you for your personality?? Also, rich men love beautiful women. Both are using their respective social currencies.

[@4cme199]

Ironically they’re also the same men that will tell a woman: ‘if you flaunt your body on social media/in public that’s all men are going to want you for’ 🥴. Just goofy

[@joanryder3842]

No, wealthy men do not complain about women wanting something in return. It's the insecure men that having nothing to begin with that are hurt. Wealthy men love this concept! It means they get a curated selection of women.

[@BigAjia]

@@joanryder3842 rich men complain about it all the time they even came up with the term

[@joanryder3842]

@@BigAjia Why would rich men complain about having access to women? Why would they encourage women to seek out men with no money, which would widen their competition? Rich men did not coin that term. Something tells me you've never been in social circles with wealthy men...

[@BigAjia]

@@joanryder3842 no it's origin was coined for prostitutes that rich guys despised or a term rich men came up with against marriage laws.......and it's continuous popularity came from the entertainment industry's disdain for gold diggers. In an online space a lot of men will of course use it but it's been an ongoing issue with men of wealth since forever

[@marianneshepherd6286]

So interesting! I think it's also necessary to remember that marrying for love and not wealth is quite new (18th-1900's). For centuries marriage was seen as just a contract between not only two people but their families and the wider community. Marrying someone to further your own or your family fortunes was something that had to be greatly considered and a person's dowry was very important. X

[@rudiegotbetter8730]

You say that but id need some proof because from what i remember from history class is these patriarchal arangements being the case in most places middle ages and beyond sorry.

[@marianneshepherd6286]

@@rudiegotbetter8730 I'm basing this on a three part documentary by historian Lucy Worsley called a Great British Romance. It looks at marriage and love through how it's portrayed in fiction and real life events. It was very interesting 👍

[@anja3221]

I can recommend Alain de Botton‘s talk On Love in which he talks about modern relationships and how before romanticism marriage was seen as much more of a transaction!

[@liastorm795]

@@rudiegotbetter8730 Huh!?!? Have you not read any books, documentaries , or movies were 85% of marriages back in those times were purely transactional or for business???

[@luf.7648]

From what I read about Europe, that was true of aristocracy, but in the case of peasants aka the vast majority of people, not so much; because if there was barely any land or wealth involved and it has to simply be any of your fellow bachelors from the village that you marry, then it might as well be one you like, right. Sounds pretty plausible to me, but who knows.

[@PokhrajRoy.]

This is the biggest thorn in the path of people who’ve made ‘exposing gold diggers’ a cottage industry. We’re happy to see it!

[@itzz.trisha_15]

Indian here??🤔

[@itzz.trisha_15]

@edgar allan hoe yeah where are you from btw and what's your race? Just asking

[@PokhrajRoy.]

@edgar allan hoe Oh hello! Happy to see you here. Idk if we’re related 😂

[@itzz.trisha_15]

@edgar allan hoe Ooo what do you think mine?💕💛❤️

[@ActuallyAnanya]

@edgar allan hoe I swear I see both you and Pokhraj in so many different comment sections for videos I watch too lol

[@TheAudraReins]

I find it interesting that the same men who will scream "no gold diggers" also have a dating profile with them holding a lot of money🤔 like sir???

[@ayeilak5]

Yesss

[@absolutelynotellen]

And then there's me, an asexual: 👁👄👁

[@TheAudraReins]

Same🌈

[@Ninjacatmuffin]

Mood

[@YourMajesty143]

Replace 😼 with "access to emotional intimacy" and it still applies. Let's not forget that women/non-binary femmes bring more to the table than just our bodies. Femininity is valued for the nurturing and uplifting support it provides. We have brains that are uniquely wired to be detail-oriented, task-managers, social-navigators, organizers, intuitive, in harmony with words & meaning, etc. We bring balance and the bigger picture with our situational thinking, emotional awareness/empathy, and deep perceptions. Those ARE valuable traits, and they can be transactional. Femmes are seen as caretakers and advisors. When our contribution to society (household chores, child rearing, educating, community care, etc) is quantified in dollars, we're responsible for generating at least $1.4 trillion in service, thus making our efforts the 4th largest GDP in the world! So yes, you can absolutely democratize your value and challenge deadbeat partners who don't meet your expectations. You're worth a lot, even without the sex! And don't you forget it!!

[@normandy2501]

@@YourMajesty143 But what if you have aromantic tendencies on top of asexual lol.

[@YourMajesty143]

@@normandy2501 - Lol well it's not as easy BUT as far as I'm aware, aromatics aren't completely devoid of emotion and are still capable of having platonic relationships. You're still giving people access to the emotional aspects of you, just not the romantic aspects. All I'm saying is if you are choosing to have a sex-free non-romantic relationship with someone, you're still engaging in an intimacy exchange and shouldn't short yourself. There's plenty of guys who go online looking to take someone out shopping & pampering in exchange for company. No romance involved whatsoever, these men are lonely! And as a former Ace turned Demi, I'm also aware that it is possible to be completely out of the dating sphere for like a decade and then all of a sudden, you realize you're a bit more fluid than you thought. I'm not saying you'll have the same experience as me, but being ace/aro should never leave you isolated from seeing the value you bring to each of your relationships - whether familial, platonic, or professional. There's always demands of your energy and time - and as femmes, we tend to go above & beyond bc biologically we are nurturing and bc historically we've always done housework, child-rearing, community service, office care, etc. for FREE. Old habits die hard, but we need to stop exhausting ourselves and start asking for equity.

[@pflipflops6295]

Jesus Christ I´m 17 and I already feel like giving up under this economy

[@alyssafaith027]

Nah you got this

[@ActuallyAnanya]

So in one of the first conversations I had with a male co-worker at my current job, the dude was flirting with me (at least I think he was flirting with me, not the best at picking up on that lmao) and it really seemed like he was trying to impress me with material things, like him having multiple nice cars, using imported cologne, and making multiple trips to Dubai. I think he was expected me to be amazed by all of that, but all I could offer him was an "ok...?" I understand that my privilege in how I grew up plays a big part in this, but the ownership of goods doesn't do much for me as someone who was raised to value experiences over physical product. Like I'd much rather have one car and go travel more. I can understand how if you had a financially unstable childhood that could be appealing to you, but that hasn't been the case with my family since I was a tween, so I can't remember much of how that feels. Also I've been to Dubai once and it was the most underwhelming travel experience I've ever had precisely because I don't care about owning luxury goods or whatever. Dude would have been able to strike a chord with me a lot more easily if he had just talked about hobbies and things he's passionate about, but according to those dudes on tiktok women don't have hobbies so hey, maybe he thought it'd be pointless to bring up his. And just a reminder, we have the SAME JOB. We're being paid the same amount of money. So if anything his spending on car after car just strikes me as a bit financially irresponsible, if anything.

[@yellej3314]

Those dudes are cornball energy

[@changrey1116]

Exactly. I'm not even in the middle class and I feel the same way

[@jupiterstrawberry]

on the other hand, for someone who grows up without any kind of financial security, to eventually attain that level of security probably feels a lot more impressive (it is) and more of a reason to feel pride, whereas to someone who grew up spoiled and privileged, its just not something to be impressed by (because they dont understand the hard work it takes to get to that level from poverty)

[@disturbedjester8154]

@@jupiterstrawberry or he/she has values over materialism. Flaunting is also a bad virtue in Abrahamic faith’s.

[@erievhs]

That last part had me rolling 😆

[@vivilonrane1330]

"it's the roaring 20s get freaky" 😂😂

[@harfir7169]

My dating profile demands employment, and whenever I get shit for it I disclose that I had a bf that I covered living expenses for during a whole year, and he didn't give me gratitude in return, but would rather put me down to make himself feel better: cuz he felt degraded/unhappy because he was unemployed. So no I will never again be with an unemployed man (unless he's studying).

[@DivestedFromBlackistann]

A man in college is still unemployed, and doesn’t need to date until his shit together. Don’t date potential.

[@roa3432]

Mmmmm, a man in college is still unemployed. There are work study opportunities available on college campuses.

[@disturbedjester8154]

Anyone studying got time for at least a 30-40% job.

[@Jane-oz7pp]

@@disturbedjester8154 Damn, yea, you're right, leisure time and a healthy amount of time for self care is totally a negative and not something people should be expected to work to have. I know when I date men I get treated better by the ones that are absolutely exhausted and uptight because they spend literally all their time working or studying. (that's sarcasm, overtired people are the worst)

[@Jane-oz7pp]

@@DivestedFromBlackistann Yea but the people with that attitude end up complaining in ten years time when all that potential got snapped up while they were still growing.

[@cravidana1182]

I recently read "The 7 husbands of Evelyn Hugo" and this quite stuck with me: "Isn't it awfully convenient that when men make the rules, the one thing that is looked down the most is the one thing that would bear them the greatest threat. Imagine if every single woman on the planet wanted something in exchange when she gave out her body. You would all be ruling the place. You'd all be ruling the place. An armed populace. Only men like me would stand a chance against you. And that's the last thing those assholes want, a world run by people like you and me." I loved it! In a world where men hold all the power, women asserting power over their bodies and conditions to access it is a danger. I personally don't attach any sort of morality to sex. Actually, sex and morality are only tied together because of patriarchy. I also don't think sex work is that different from other jobs under capitalism. So I understand when a woman decides to put a price on a service, because ok, sex is not something women do for men. Sex should be an enjoyable experience for all the parties involved, but when we look at the orgasm gap, men are always the ones getting something out of it. So, yes, women also deserve to get something out of it and if they decide to get money from it, that's their right.

[@mayaj8855]

I’m gonna read this book!!

[@frenchgirl5878]

OH MY GOD, I UNDERLINED THAT SENTENCE

[@jacobnoelle8428]

What is the Orgasm Gap?

[@CaraRowen]

@@jacobnoelle8428 the disparity of sexual satisfaction. Men are over twice as likely to orgasm during sex as women. Only 65% of women achieve orgasm during sex and more than 85% of men do. This is even further divided by orientation. Heterosexual women orgasm at a rate of 62% and queer women at 75%. This is according to self reporting, that should be noted, and from a survey not a study. It's a mixture of the complexities of afab bodies and the inherent dysfunction of heterosexual relationships (which I feel like we're doing a lot of unpacking of, and dissecting in these last few years).

[@private2809]

@@jacobnoelle8428 studies have shown that Cis women orgasm less than men on average. However this also applies to lesbians. Because a lot of it is down to not being taught how to enjoy one's own body. It isn't soley the responsibility of their partner to "provide them" with an orgasm. Nor is it men systemically denying women orgasm. Most women don't even know when they've had an orgasm and falsely report to their partners that they had one when they have not. This is also down to poor sex Ed for Afab people in general.

[@PokhrajRoy.]

As a former sociology student, switching between Social Thinkers and Pop Culture is absolutely normal.

[@Jeshiae]

Okay, this is hilarious because I literally just had a conversation about some of this with my best friend yesterday. We're (both women) both from a roughly the same economic class (one that would make it possible to support a spouse), and I remember saying to her that my dad, who is fairly progressive, once joked about me at least marrying across if not up, and it stuck in my memory. This then turned into a discussion of how we would try to manage a household where we were the primary breadwinners. Even though we both view marriage as a legal arrangement, we had different approaches in that hers was more transactional, and I felt uncomfy about the transactional nature for unknown reasons. I think our end conclusion was that relationships where parties weren't on similar economic levels would be difficult.

[@sirondium]

Relationships where people are not on similar economic levels exist all the time, they are just overwhelmingly still featuring a guy earning way more than the woman. I'm curious why you say this would be difficult to navigate, the other way around? Do you not think it could just be difficult or seem difficult because of gendered expectations we were raised with?

[@Jeshiae]

@@sirondium They've always existed, but they're rarely the kind of relationship that a modern woman is raised idealizing (because of the inherent inequity). There's a reason why financial abuse is one of the main warnings that women of older generations give the younger ones about becoming housewives. Also, I do think coming from different social classes does legitimately create difficulties because you're essentially raised with different world views. The way I view and manage money is going to be very different than someone who was raised in a household living paycheck to paycheck. And it's not just financial literacy. The literal emotion (e.g. anxiety) you attach to money is different. And that's before getting into social circles and general "class knowledge." I would love to say oh, your economic levels don't matter, but no matter the gender roles (you could easily see the same dynamics in same-sex relationships), but based on what I've seen, they absolutely do. There's a reason why being poor can literally create generational trauma.

[@sirondium]

@@Jeshiae This is fair, I guess from the reading of your original comment it just seemed to me that you were suggesting that the unconventional reversal of this provider role is more difficult than what we see more commonly currently. I do see where you're coming from, and money does make the world go round, but I would caution attributing a lot of what you said to financial differences. I think your economic standing when growing up can play into those things sure, and maybe I am lucky to live somewhere less fiscally minded than the US, but at risk of sounding rude; to me it sounds like you're trying to find justification to hold onto the financial terms as a dating criteria. My own bias plays into this ofc, so I could be terribly wrong but just thought I'd throw it out there since it seems to be something you're open to introspection on. No judgement eitherway we're all just idiot reflections of our idiotic surroundings :)

[@arih_rih]

@@sirondium ik Jade replied to you with an answer. id also add that a concern for women who are primary or equal earners in relationships w men, is tht women tend to do a disproportionate amount of household work and child rearing. of course men in heterosexual relationships are capable of doing the same amount of those duties, but we socialize women to do those things and feel tht burden even when both partners/parents work the same amount outside of the house. so yeah the gendered expectations we’re raised w put the onus on women to do more work, thts a pretty genuine and practical concern for women looking to date at or below their socioeconomic status. hope tht helps answer your question some more

[@sirondium]

@@arih_rih A nurturing expectation on women is socially enforced, this is true, but some of it is biological. I'm not using that as justification for the mechanisms of socialization used under patriarchy, but just saying that in a society totally free of gender expectations, current studies would suggest you'd probably still see slightly more women taking on that role of caretaker in heterosexual relationships. The disproportionality of that representation today is "unnatural" tho, I agree.

[@GoblinsAreAGirlsBestFriend]

Hmmmm _I think_ the important distinction is "broke". It's not a "gold-digger" statement to say you want a partner who works. A study from 2018 published that approximately 54% of breadwinners are female - additionally, 72% of primary caretakers for children are women. So I think if anything the question is _why _*_can't_*_ women say they don't want that_ really?

[@ShesBearynice]

Because that’s not how capitalism works. Being broke and being unemployed are two different things, and neither of those are absolutely changeable with pure effort alone. Disabled people exist, for example. Y’all’s feminism starts and ends where the money is. Disgusting.

[@gaiagreen2690]

Well, thanks a LOT! 🙄 I planned to spend an easy, lazy Sunday here in my Swiss village, now I have to make a huge pot of tea, sit down and disentangle your thoughts, my thoughts, historical facts, political values and all song lyrics I ever heard about sex and money... 🥴 😊 You are a Goddess, young woman, and I love your way of analyzing and connecting various aspects of life. 🥰

[@liastorm795]

Switzerland is beautiful👌🏽

[@gaiagreen2690]

@@liastorm795 It is indeed. 💚

[@snowgui4086]

Some guys be like "i only get gold diggers" but they use material things to attract women, what'd they expect? lmao

[@wl9162]

(Related to what you were saying about men not being able to experiment much with bedroom technique in our rigid societies) It's totally true lmao -- I'm doing a psychology/sociology degree and one of my psych textbooks actually cited research that found that men who were married to feminist women consistently reported having better sex than men in conservative marriages with women.

[@KhadijaMbowe]

😏 ayeee

[@josukeshair8891]

@@KhadijaMbowe lmao

[@wl9162]

@Christopher Brown, Sure! KZbin doesn't like links sometimes, so you'll have to paste these into google (I've already tried giving you this reply like three times lmao), but here are just a couple of the studies reported: Stick & Fetner (2020) "Feminist Men and S*xual Behavior..." Harris et al., (2019). "Beliefs About Gender Predict Faking Org*sm in Heterosexual Women" And there's a breakdown of these and related info from an online psychology journal, Psychology Today, called The Surprising Ways Feminism Helps Improve Your Sex Life (sorry I couldn't just post a direct link, but if you plug that into google the article will come up). This one cites an additional source at the bottom of the page as well, conducted by Bay-Cheng & Zucker, (2007). Hope that helps! : D

[@michelleokafor1268]

Ooooooooo fascinating

[@ladybug3380]

I wonder why that is. Is it because conservative women aren’t sexually liberated?

[@twistysunshine]

Honestly though I feel like this conversation touches on (admittedly only slightly lmao, but if we're gonna go all sociology on one line I'm gonna do this too) the way disabled people are undervalued. We're generally pretty invisible in conversations about sex and romance, but I have seen a LOT of women just casually be like "I'm not taking care of a man" "if he doesn't have a job I won't be with him" I know that they are simply setting up boundaries for desired partners. I know that they're simply saying that due to the weight of misogyny (and often other intersections) they are pressured to take care of others in a way men are not. However, there are some disabled people who are always gonna need help to live. There are some disabled people who are never gonna have jobs. As someone who occupies both of those groups as a disabled person, hearing that stuff makes me so uncomfortable. Like you don't Have to date disabled people, but being like "I wouldn't be with a disabled man" is in my opinion a red flag. It doesn't matter that I'm not on the dating market currently or a man, i see that and it says to me that you see disabled people as a burden. I see that if were to attempt to talk about my needs, I might get ablesplained about how I need a job or x or y. Like I said, I know that's not the intention of those boundaries, but I think we really need to assess why our ideal partner is never allowed to be disabled, and the ways in which we talk about the world that might be assuming some level of ability that not everyone has.

[@KhadijaMbowe]

Thank you, because clearly, that’s not even a perspective I addressed in the video. 💕 (Message tone: sincere, sometimes I read as sarcastic vis text)

[@grandsome1]

I can relate a lot to this as a man suffering from mental illness, it often feels like it disqualifies me from the dating market if it's ever found out. I think it's because of the toxic idea that the ideal man has no weakness, can only provide and must always be in a position of power. That's what I used to only see whenever I heard "I ain't taking care of no man." (but often expect to be taken care of). But now I also see the perspective of emotional labor burnout behind these words. Patriarchy really messed up straight relationships, uh?

[@grandsome1]

@@KhadijaMbowe lol it did sound sarcastic, less hyperboles and punctuation next time? 😂

[@ErinAnodea]

exactly! this 100%

[@imaginaryguide1895]

+

[@hexane360]

In my view this is a great example of the dividing line between pop feminism (we need more female CEOs and corporate pride flags) and a more considered feminism that takes into account the intersection between gender inequality and economic inequality.

[@hifellowhumans8393]

Hands down.

[@itsdonuttime7729]

wish I could smash the like button a million times. It's called substance people.

[@trashpanda9443]

If we had more female CEOs we’d have more companies taking a stance against employment discrimination due to pregnancy or potential pregnancy (aka being a cis woman) and offering adequate maternity leave/pay which is usually an embarrassingly short amount of time featuring little, capped and sometimes even no pay in the US. At the end of the day those pop feminism ideals matter when it comes to creating an equitable society for women and other minority demographics. Those ideals can only be manifested by people in power (ie female CEOs) without whom we wouldn’t have concepts like intersectionality to try to rebrand as a somehow new and better brand of feminism in a KZbin comment section. We should be standing together, not creating imaginary rifts between feminist thought seekers and feminist thinkers who have the power to create equity. We’re the same. Don’t divide us.

[@itsdonuttime7729]

@@trashpanda9443 I think what you are saying is true. But, in a general sense, one of the reasons why things like this get called pop feminism or even white feminism is because they don't address or take into account the intersectional reasons why a given solution won't solve the issue for certain groups of women. Also, it feels like there is more focus on 'general' issues(I don't quite know how to express this) rather than the direct violence that is being faced by victims of sexual assault, human rights abuses at the US Mexico border, violence against trans women(esp Black women). Of course we all make efforts and raise awareness in as many areas where we can. Multiple things can be true which is why it is a systemic problem. So not trying to knock down what you are saying.

[@Julie-qr9ow]

Liberal feminism would be the proper term for “pop feminism” fyi

[@emilyjanet455]

Thank you for your discussion of this! This was great. I also want to mention another complicating aspect which is often overlooked: disability. My partner cannot work a full time job and I will likely be providing for us for the foreseeable future. I'm always really uncomfortable with the logic of "dump him if he's broke!" because like... It's not his choice? Society fucking hates disabled people and is designed for them to suffer? I do not feel empowered or supported by this kind of materialist rhetoric!

[@lefu87williford55]

Thanks for saying this

[@GenerationNextNextNext]

Well, do you have children? Do you plan on having children? If no, then I think it's fine to overlook a partner that's not able to provide financially. Also, if you feel fine bearing the children AND working, and you feel you can save enough for that eventuality, than there's nothing wrong with having a partner that doesn't work full-time. However, considering the practical necessities of raising a child, I don't think it's materialistic to inquire about a person's finances and to expect them to be able to provide a financial life if you want to have physical children. It all depends on how you want to build your family.

[@trashpanda9443]

@@GenerationNextNextNext It’s 2022, women are making over 200k/year working from home as influencers. While that’s not true for EVERY woman, society HAS become equitable enough for a woman to not get dragged in a comment section and asked intimate questions about her future plans by total strangers who can’t seem to fathom a woman being a bread winner / provider. For all we know this commenter is a physical therapist making 280k a year running their own private practice. It’s not really fair to assume that just because she’s a woman she must not be able to provide for herself and her family in this day and age when so many of us were raised by single women who managed to provide for us without being a doctor or high paid influencer anyways. I found your questions rude and invasive and based on the notion that women are somehow less capable of finding well paying jobs despite being the overwhelming majority of college graduates and known statistics like 54% of breadwinners are female. The equity gap IS closing and we have to stop treating women, our sisters, as less than as that gap closes. Otherwise you’re just being baselessly rude.

[@dlc2479]

I think taking care of your partner is beautiful, the only issue I'd have is the fact that 99% of men wouldn't do the same for their partner. Men don't even visit women in prison.

[@workingonsomething1]

An old man told me this " we go our whole life trying to get money and live this american dream..we work our fingers to the bone trying to live a lie when at the end of your life you find out all that mattered is having good people in your life

[@ayeilak5]

My favorite line from men "I don't want no gold digger" lol you ain't got no gold 😂😂🤣😂😂 ain't no fun when the rabbit got a gun.

[@KhadijaMbowe]

Oooop lol

[@ladybug3380]

@@Neo.Jordon then why do most men cheat?

[@everything5066]

@@Neo.Jordon love is respect and equality. If you love us stop controlling and excluding us.

[@epicaunleashed8764]

@@ladybug3380 they don't.

[@tyrreloneal5178]

I'm glad we're FINALLY having this conversation, because this is something I've been conflicted about for years!

[@DrAnarchy69]

I read “Women have better sex under socialism” a while ago and remember loving it. That being said, Engels and Bebel were fundamentally wrong about A. Agriculture creating private property (it didn’t) and B. Matriarchies. Gender wasn’t even a concept pre “Civilization”. If you want a better view on the origins of sexism and specifically the origin of the commodification of non male bodies, I’d suggest you read “Debt: The First 5000 Years” by David Graeber.

[@isnousernameleft]

Someone carved the Venus of Hohle Fels 35,000+ years ago. We don't know exactly what they thought of gender, but they clearly had an opinionated concept of womanhood.

[@natmorse-noland9133]

@@isnousernameleft I don't follow your meaning - "womanhood" is gender, so how can we both not know what they thought about gender, but be certain that they had strong opinions about womanhood?

[@elineeugenie5224]

There's an extensive Ted by him about this book on the Talks by Google channel on KZbin! Thx for the info👍

[@eldritchmor7800]

Saying "Engels was wrong" and "gender didn't exist before civilisation" and not developping any further is not the intellectual dunk you might think it is.

[@isnousernameleft]

@@natmorse-noland9133 If the artist was apathetic to femininity, then why bother carving the figure? The process would have taken time, attention, skill, and effort. My claim is that it meant something to the person who made it. Do you suggest that it meant nothing, or do you suggest that a sculpture of a nude woman had nothing to do with women in the mind of the artist?

[@lizzycorvus5109]

Great video in general, and also thank you for mention transfems/non-cis fems. A lot of the conversations about intimacy/sex are different for us, and I'm always encouraged by acknowledgements of that.

[@HobittLuv411]

I just started the video and I have to stop to say that I love the community Khadija has been able to build. I am as much excited for their content as I am to read the discussions taking place in the comments. I literally have to tell myself to stop reading comments and listen to what they have to say😅😆

[@hilo6487]

I come from a 6 figure, Southern middle class household. My fqther was HOH and worked TOGETHER with my mom to give us a stable home and great educational, spiritual, financial, and emotional foundation. My kids will get that or better. I'm not giving that up for good stroke game from a guy who's mattress is on the floor.

[@SpiritualParallels]

This line has been living rent free in my mind too, I'm happy I'm not the only one 😂 it makes me feel a certain way, I never thought of it as gold-digging but it places a person's worth on their ability to accumulate wealth. Like you said tho, it's a fleeting lyric that I'm reading too much into lol

[@heavenlyarianator6335]

if u dont want to place worth bc of economic value then dont, cardi b is saying she does and encouraging others to, bc its a good idea

[@heavenlyarianator6335]

@@l-_olvlo_-l yah in the song genius

[@ShesBearynice]

@@heavenlyarianator6335 This is a shit take. Capitalism is bad, and we would drag men for talking down to poor women for being poor as if that’s a choice she has.

[@heavenlyarianator6335]

@@ShesBearynice "capitalism is bad" wow great take

[@ShesBearynice]

@@heavenlyarianator6335 You don’t seem to internalize it as true. If you don’t disagree, then why is it that you allow capitalism to alter the way you view human lives and relationships?

[@TheXrythmicXtongue]

Money is so shallow of a concept. Currency is only a means of trade, and thus defined by those trading. Yet it's been deified to such a level that is almost unrecognizable when compared to reality. Such tangibly valuable things (people's bodies, health, food, water, shelter, land and nature, art, skills, etc.) are now defined by something that should be subservient to and defined by them. We've almost literally put the cart before the horse.

[@music_YT2023]

Back in my day (oh god, am I old now??), this sentiment was expressed by TLC as, "I don't want no scrub."

[@veryconfused9768]

just found your video sister, i am muslim woman from asia and ppl here litrally be taking dowry(gifts) from our family and then getting mad when our family teaches us to say no to the guys who have no clear direction in life. i know so many guys who got mad at me, when they be like oh we are talking for a few months on interesting topic like cosmos, how about marrying me( i am masters in physics) and then i point out we are just talking they get so mad, saying how come i dont love. and i am like coz i am not allowed to duh, my family chooses the one. honestly lost so many good conversation partners,

[@McSwift0421]

"There's a lot to unpack here." My favorite kind of unboxing video.

[@dinahmyte3749]

I couldn't date someone who didn't make at least what I make. Why? Because I'm poor and always will be in my chosen field (education) so I would need someone who makes at a bare minimum of 35K a year. That's like 17 dollars. And that would HAVE TO go up. It's not about "taking care" of my partner or whatever, it's about me knowing that if something goes wrong, we have an income to survive on. "But what if" isn't something I care about. Even if my partner suddenly couldn't work due to an ACTUAL reason, IDK if I would be able to support them on my salary alone (the max can I EVER expect to make at my current experience would be in the 40s. That might cover rent and even some bills but not everything in the city I live in. Not counting insurance, which I don't have, or emergency money, which I've never had) so, in all honesty, I probably couldn't date someone who couldn't work. Does that suck? Yeah. Sadly we live in a capitalist hellscape and I got bills and cats and my own expensive meds that I can't even access due to cost and I can't support someone else on that salary. I've been called names, sure, that I wouldn't consider dating someone who has expensive medical bills or a disability that limits where we could live or travel or even support. That sucks sure, but I KNOW the cost of accommodations and necessary equipment and I can't afford it if they don't have a salary. I can't even afford my own meds and treatments, but I'm supposed to extend love and affection to someone else who can't afford to live too? Dating sounds so transactional but only onesided. I'm queer and ace. I just won't date, seems easier than always having to give and give and not be expected to want something in return. Why do men expect women to settle? I just don't understand. "But he's nice and kind" and nice and kind don't count as currency. My bills aren't paid in backrubs or compliments. If we date, you have to bring something else to the table. If I wanted nice and kind, I'd make a friend that I don't have to pay rent for...

[@ilysonny9766]

As a man I agree

[@elleofhearts8471]

Men with money already know when their money is attracting someone. And some of those men are ok with that. Why are their desires never validated? because then that would validate gold diggers and THEIR desires. That would mean they have a place in society someone wants them to occupy so they can be accessed and it would legitimate the place they occupy. And that goes directly against those who hate gold diggers who say they have no place in society and that they're undesirable...even though those same men would date women who have the trappings of gold diggers if they could afford to, like say they became rich or otherwise influential suddenly.

[@toomuchinformation]

Yep. It's the bitter, broke ones who complain. Although rich men can be stingy AF as well.

[@birdiewolf3497]

Yeah, it is just easier for poor men to take out their frustration out on women, for not being able to "provide." Like I see rich men constantly brag about buying material goods for their girlfriends and wives.

[@Misshotmess333]

I was just listening to that friends and lovers episode today. I was also thinking about how historically as women we have to be more selective with our mates, especially for having children because of the cost it has on us. So we usually look for men with more resources and how that idea still impacts us today.

[@GenerationNextNextNext]

👏🏾👏🏾

[@Aaron_Smith_OM]

When I was less financially fit, I didn't give into the desire for sex. I just felt like if I had time to rearrange some guts, I better use that time to rearrange my life. Love the channel by the way!

[@RapidBlindfolds]

thats the most off-putting euphemism for sex i've ever heard

[@Aaron_Smith_OM]

@@RapidBlindfolds lol!

[@earnieboy54]

😆 that’s funny as shit. But kudos to you for acknowledging and getting your life together.

[@KhadijaMbowe]

🫢 “rearranging…guts…”

[@ayeilak5]

@@RapidBlindfolds this is why straight sex is not number 1 lol gross sentences like that.

[@iwasbornunderwater]

I love that you can express ALL my thoughts and feelings in such a ordered, educated and oh so elegant way Khadijah. Thank you. We NEED you in this space.

[@lindseymauk7920]

“So anarchy???” -Khadija Mbowe (2022) Thanks for that senior quote you’re the best!

[@FantasyIslandGirl]

I screamed I KNOW THAT’S RIGHT 🤣

[@monimuppet6132]

They mad if you only give the kat up for money. They mad if you just keep it to yourself. They mad if you vet the receivers of your kat to ensure proper usage. Pretty much, if you set your own rules and enforce them, they mad. Some will negotiate, I will not. I accept that with strict enforcement comes fewer encounters. I'm ok with that. I will never drag a woman or fem for their rules, this is not a "we all need to be on the same page to uplift the community" situation. Make sure you know what you're getting into when setting them and be safe out there. I love you all. 💟

[@Thea-no7yd]

Giving us “thot battle cry” less than two minutes in? We don’t deserve you! ❤️

[@nectarina3891]

I'm in a hetero marriage. We plan to have kids so since I will have to invest more into child-rearing since I will be the one carrying the kids, he has to help in other ways, mainly economic. I also have some health issues that make it hard for me to work full time. So yeah, I expect that over the course of our relationship he needs to make more money. We both have to contribute as much as we can, it what ways we can. I do more labor at home, he does more at work. Having kids is still a huge part of many people's decision making around sex and dating.

[@silverstarlight9395]

True. That's why childfree couples are more egalitarian. The only way for women to gain financial independence is to refuse to have children.

[@nectarina3891]

@@silverstarlight9395 and humans would die out lol. Our relationship is still egalitarian, because we both understand the value of child-bearing. We have equal say in what happens with our money. If anything I get more pull in some decisions because it will be my body put through the ringer. As someone with health issues, financial independence may not be possible for me (although I am trying to learn some skills that may allow for that at some point so I can work from home and earn more.) It takes a village to raise a child so people who have kids don't have the illusion of being completely independent of their family/community.

[@GenerationNextNextNext]

@@nectarina3891 Amen sis! For me, I don't have the luxury of having a supportive family or community. So for me, I'm not married and I'm not having children. People need to understand that finances are the basis of a family unfortunately. We don't live off the land anymore. The girls on tik tok and reality shows are often putting on personas. Real every day women look for resources so that they can be stable and BUILD families. As long as most women are bearing the children, during the time span, when women are often debilitated, the man may have to be the only one bringing home the money.

[@izabelam4026]

I've subscribed just recently and i noticed in recent videos mentions about aro/ace people. I can't stress enough how much it warms my heart. Thank you so much

[@DEM40S]

I saw the rap lyric as pure irony. Because if they didn't deserve any why do they have all the kids?

[@Jeshiae]

In my experience, I've never even been able to date "down" economically because we as a society give our men feelings that they should be able to provide and be more economically situated than their spouse. That and the idea that who ever makes the money gets to make the decisions is really popular, even in people's subconscious. If I'm being honest, I also just don't have the patience/emotional bandwidth to help people unpack their feelings on finances even though I full-well know the economy is fucked for most people.

[@mitthrawnuruodo1730]

Well you have to consider the human psychological aspect of things. Men in society are valued by what they provide and their status, and not even on a societal level but a human one. This has been a thing for millennia, it’s how we humans are wired. The more resources we have the more we are desired by women who want security for their offspring. I’m the case of “gold diggers” they are more parasites that only take and not give beyond sex and looking good. It’s a more transactional relationship that I personally don’t see a problem with. Addressing cardi b line this plays into the first paragraph and that women want a man that can provide for her and their future. If he cannot do that then this is dangerous for both them and the likelihood that their children will suffer.

[@augustaseptemberova5664]

@@mitthrawnuruodo1730 I thoroughly dislike the notion of people being "wired" like this. Let me illustrate: People were "wired" to be hunter-gatherers over 2 million years of that lifestyle, yet "somehow" they turned to agriculture and artisanship at some point. People were "wired" to tribal nomadic life, yet "somehow" they started to settle permanently, and in larger and larger societies. People were "wired" over millennia to serfdom for some monarch, yet "somehow" democracies formed. History proves time and again how people change and adapt. There _is_ no "being wired like this", except the "wired" that's hardcoded in biology (the need for nutrition and sleep, for example).

[@arih_rih]

wait where did Jade say we’re wired to do anything in her comment? she explicitly says how we as a society construct these behaviors and thoughts around money & relationships.

[@Emily-et8nd]

@@mitthrawnuruodo1730 Social constructs don't always originate from a biological standpoint. Even if they did it's not a reason to defend them when they're clearly outdated.

[@mitthrawnuruodo1730]

@@Emily-et8nd I’m not talking about social constructs that many seem to confuse for human behavior. Men for example have more muscle mass than women for example. That’s what I’m talking about. Modern living doesn’t override human behavior and natural gender tendencies

[@sayeedkizuk5822]

I think another component of the conversation is the way that our culture views sex and morality in sex in general. Words like "player" or "slut" have been nominally reclaimed, but not stripped of their negative context, rather simply with the acceptance of that negativity. We don't think that sex is a positive thing, we still think it's morally wrong, we simply have accepted immorality as the content our culture

[@Rhiro]

Out of topic, but that tea mug is amazing, I love it.

[@MoonFairy929]

Omg loooove this shorter format! I miss so much of the long dives (also amazing).

[@bajabl]

Hi Khadija I hope you’re doing well. Thank you for still educating us all

[@dereksweetwater]

i wrote an essay on this same topic after reading Kristen’s book too. i yelled within tha first minute! i love your work so much 🖤

[@asinglebraincell6584]

My brain grows three sizes after seeing thisx Thank you Khadija for putting a magnifying glass on culture and politics and following the things we do to their histories it's so interesting..

[@starcherry6814]

I can’t wait to read this book! Thanks sis!

[@mackenzieferg9254]

Always so eloquent and I am mentioning this video in one of my class assignments :)

[@annapolski5661]

I'd love to see videos on these more academic kinds of topics be the longer, higher-production videos you do, and for shorter videos to be the less academic ones. Khadija pulled out a whole ass sociology degree for this one and it would've been so cool to dive deeper into this topic.

[@HobittLuv411]

Yes! I was definitely living for the long form videos but I understand that it’s a lot of work behind the scenes. I’m hoping we get a good mix this year

[@catvalentine4317]

Agreed!!

[@lefu87williford55]

this is my favorite video from you. As someone who was assigned miserable at birth, this warms my heart.

[@madihill1768]

Soooo excited to open up to this video today!!!!!!

[@saxviars9749]

Excited for the merch to drop!

[@clantis]

Whoever brought Khadija to making such short videos, can you please undo your damage because some of us LOVE her 40 minute plus videos. I feel so dissatisfied😭😭😭😭😭😭

[@KhadijaMbowe]

Soon 🤫

[@clantis]

@@KhadijaMbowe YAY!!!

[@fujiancen]

Khadija, you are so mad gooood at what you're doing❤👊

[@vitamincrc8267]

thank you for doing this video and digging into this! I don’t think it’s a throwaway line at all it’s literally the part my friends and I sing loudest in the car

[@efyra]

I think this is one of my favorites videos of yours yet, and I'm still in the middle of it

[@elisehopkins9260]

Ok I’m literally 20 seconds in and I just got really emotional for no reason thinking about the positive impact you’ve had on my life and now I’m crying?? Thank you so much for all you do.

[@toledoboogz9817]

"'Cause ain't nothin' goin' on but the rent/You got to have a J-O-B if you wanna be with me/Ain't nothin' goin' on but the rent/You got to have a J-O-B if you wanna be with me/No romance without finance/I said no romance without finance." -Gwen Guthrie, 1986 Cardi and them ain't saying nothing new, Auntie. But this talk was definitely fun and I learned some stuff. 😊

[@toomuchinformation]

"Life is too serious Love's too mysterious A Flying Girl like me needs security" I remember that song well. People have no musical knowledge or history beyond their own nose.

[@withthelambs1614]

Its lovely that they took the time to make subtitles for this video. I don't really see it that often, details to make stuff that much more accessible are never overlooked :)

[@mildredbonk3818]

Girl this was so funny and crazy informative. Will definitely have to check out that book rec! Thanks for another awesome video, hope you're having a great night/day♡

[@HobittLuv411]

Okay but Carol Baskin-it!🤣🤣 I’m not the only one who found that funny lol I love that you mentioned the Lover and Friends podcast! My best friend and I had a loooong conversation on this, so I love that this video tied so well into it.

[@victorythecreator]

YES MORE KHADIJAAAA

[@KhadijaMbowe]

HI VICTORY

[@rezahnabraha9234]

Yessss! Love shannon boodram! Also, I've been following your channel for a a little over 2 years now and just wanted to express how grateful I am for you!! Thank you for always speaking with so much consideration, humility(while also knowing how amazing you area), and good intent !! Glad to see you get the platform you deserve!!

[@katanaonika816]

You just been dropping gems as always

[@Alryeght]

Capitalism bad 😌😌 I love looking at topics like this from the perspective of philosophy and sociology! Idk why so many people think it's odd to bring Engels and Cardi B. together 😅😅 but I study American Studies in Germany, we do that stuff all the time at uni. Thank you!!!

[@Alryeght]

Oh and I forgot to say, I could have watched like a 1hour video about this hahaha

[@Doctor-Infinite]

Yes, both of these have equal value to us as people and society as a whole No inbetweens lol

[@dreamie3742]

Kind of unrelated, but the whole visual of this video is impecable. The lighting, the background, the hair, the outfit, everything id just *chefs kiss *

[@ylvabrandt6767]

Great vid! Thanks for making it🙏🏻❤️

[@Decadancehallking]

I love your break downs! Smart as hell and funny🥰

[@GenerationNextNextNext]

The one thing that's always missing in these conversations is CHILDREN. One of the main reasons so many woman look for men with money is because for years women have beared the burden of having children (or were thought to). In history, before adequate birth control, women popped out babies constantly after marriage. Some women had 10 or more children and were horribly sick afterwards, especially because many births were "natural". Because of women's pregnancies, it debilitated them for awhile, and they couldn't work. Some women were severely ill, near death. Men were thought to always be able to work, never having a real moment where they couldn't. So women were designated to stay at home with children (while they recover and breastfeed) while men work (since they supposedly didn't have the bodies for those tasks). The rise of the "gold digger" begins with women being encouraged to get married, have sex, and have children. Children aren't cheap. People act like romance and love are going to raise children. No way. Children need food, clothes, and shelter, too. With better science and LGBTQ+ relationships, child-bearing no longer has to even factor in or be as much of a burden to as many people. Still, in more heterosexual relationships, religious marriages, beyond science, pregnancy is a HUGE possibility, and should be taken seriously. The problem with men who hate the gold digger is all they see is a beautiful sex object that they can have wild romantic affairs with. They're not seeing a potential wife and mother to their children after their late-night fun. If they did, most of them would understand gold diggers a lot more.

[@decoraqueena6413]

100%. people can talk love and beauty as much as they want, but marriage at the end of the day marriage has, and always been, a means for preserving the family unit. By preserving the family unit, the children will be more secure emotionally and financially. Plus it makes sure that both spouses (especially men) accountable for bringing these children into the world. We as adults can afford to be selfish with ourselves and each other, but once the kids come into the picture, selfish desires have to be replaced with sacrifice and compromise.

[@NebulaSon]

Just say you're a golddigger and stop justifying it 😂

[@salkababou7512]

I SCREAMEDDD when I saw this notification pop up on my screen

[@rep-turd]

Glad this popped up in recommended. Wish I was half as knowledgable and charismatic as you are, subbed

[@salomewinkler7051]

Another great video! You truly inspire. And in my opinion you don't have to make your videos shorter. You discuss big and important topics, that needs time! I always enjoy every minute! Greetings from Germany

[@uhhh_lisa]

the Bebel and Engels citation sending me right back to my biological anthropology classes in undergrad 😵‍💫

[@alidemee8161]

Um can we discuss how amazing you look?! The lighting the colors the glow! Also just missed your videos so much!!

[@kameskidney9538]

Such a classic intro! I totally missed it! I completely forgot how long you were gone!

[@SunjayVideos]

Loving the shorter video format!

[@AllThingsNella]

I have never clicked on a video so fast!!!!!!🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥

[@burgerb6215]

Loved this video! I feel like there's another factor that most people forget when they complain that "women are gold diggers who only want men for their money". I'd like to speak of South Asian communities (since I belong to one). A lot of communities practice arranged marriage systems. What we need to remember in the context of the arranged marriage is that women are often requested to stop pursuing higher education or a job / career after marriage or before marriage for "better prospects". Women's role as a mother and wife are often the most honoured roles without which we are viewed as incomplete or broken. Secondly, women become strangers to their own homes and get married away into the man's family home in many communities. In such a situation - where she isn't allowed to make her own keep for herself or her "future kids / family" - it makes absolute sense why she would seek out men with wealth. It's a matter of securing her future and the future of her kids. Also, this is NOT to generalise. South Asia is super diverse and all women's experiences are not like this. This comment was not intended to paint a picture of oppressed women waiting to be saved by yt folks. Thanks!

[@thefishmin5851]

Thank you for sharing this perspective, I thoroughly enjoyed your video

[@zoepetersen6636]

Really love the subtle winks to aro/ace people in your recent videos, its great to be remembered

[@augustaseptemberova5664]

Does "gold digger" refer to people who are upfront about prioritzing wealth, or people who are dishonest about it (as in: fake love and commitment, and leave as soon as a better financial opportunity presents itself)? Or both?

[@elleofhearts8471]

I think you raisd a good point in wanting clarification on what a "gold digger" is in definite terms, but I dont think its a dichotomy as you presented it. I think gold digging depends on who you ask because it can be expressed in various ways, motivated variously, looks like many things etc. But I think the core principle is that gold digging is when one person is engaging with another person primarily for the financial or material wealth being provided to them through engagement with that other person. And the "gold digger" doesn't necessarily need to be up front or withhold their motivations in order to be a gold digger. Sometimes the providing partner is aware that their partner is with them for their money to some extent and sometimes they're not aware. In any case I do think its a relationship of sorts and just like any other relationship it depends from relationship to relationship how "gold digging" is expressed and how the dynamics work. theres more than 2 ways to get the same result

[@augustaseptemberova5664]

@@elleofhearts8471 Thank you for the explanation. Personally, I think the distinction about dis/honesty is relevant, depending on the overall situation. To clarify: If someone lives in a country / society / culture, where pairing up with someone wealthy is a matter of survival or having a chance at a decent life, dishonesty may be a necessity. Here, the distinction is in so far relevant, as to criticise systems that force people into the position of being dishonest on one hand, and being the victim of lies on the other hand. I think it's also important to stress that being in the position of dishonesty often is a source of great discomfort to people who wouldn't do this if they had any other option, and not a powerplay or exploitation. Here, both participants are victims. Many people are quick to blame gold diggers, but without seeing the bigger picture that might make them want to change the system, instead of attacking victims of that system. If someone lives in an environment, where a "gold digging" relationship is a matter of personal choice and comfort (and not of bare necessity), the distinction is relevant in a different way. Here dishonesty is, in my eyes, rightfully critisized. Transactional relationships are one thing, and perfectly ok if all involved are aware and consenting. But if one partner is unaware and unconsenting, that makes them the victim of deception. That's unethical and I'd go as far as calling it exploitation and a form of emotional abuse.

[@elleofhearts8471]

@@augustaseptemberova5664 I agree 100%, your criticisms on morality are valid but I also want to point out that none of the criticisms you said are unique or limited to gold digging, at the same time. You can apply the same criticisms to people who are using others for sex, social status/appearances, convenience, a sense of duty/obligation, opportunity, or any form of social currency or social benefit. There are lots of exploitative relationships to be found where money is not the primary incentive and boundaries and consent are not being affirmed or respected. Its all exploitation at the end of the day. The truth is the capitalism forces you to choose between morality and survival pretty often and doesn't make avaliable plentiful options where you can have both unless you got wealthy through ethical means. But with that said, being ethical is not necessarily rewarded with profits under capitalism. Its more of a luxury you persue on your own time. Not something you pursue in the name of profit. Because capitalism doesn't reward morality with profits. Quite the opposite. Youre criticisms are bigger than the practice of gold digging itself. There are many ways to exploit others for your own benefit even if its not primarily for a financial/material outcome and some of those things can also be motivated out a desire for survival and necessity and some are out of less "necessary" motivations like preservation of wealth among those who are already comfortably wealthy. I think capitalism forces all of us to accept exploitation as a fact of life even if we dont agree with it or immediately recognize exploitation as exploitation. For example some people are more comfortable being exploited in some ways more than others. Some people are more comfortable exploiting others in some ways more than others. One could even say at some point we all make peace with the knowledge that we're going to be exploited by someone at some point and that we, whether consciously or unconsciously decide which forms of exploitation we can tolerate and which ones we can't (like being cheated on, being used for social status, being in a relationship out of a sense of duty etc). Same with how were willing to exploit others for our own benefit. The wider conversation to be had here is how capitalism forces us to use and backstab each other for securing ones own survival and those who want to maintain ethics are going to be backstabbed by someone who was forced to or just saw the opportunity to and how long one can maintain their ethics before they have to compromise them in the name of survival. gold digging is one of many ways that shows up in society. I also think the show squid game illustrates that really well. Both backstabbing out of necessity and backstabbing when its not necessary and how you get rewarded and punished for both under capitalism

[@elleofhearts8471]

in short, morality is more of a luxury and not necessarily a necessity when it comes to securing survival and capitalism, more often than not,, forces you to prioritize one over the other. sidenote: this makes sense as to why throughout the history of humankind, even in places where capitalism isn't the economic system in place, there have been religious or spiritual principles that encourage taking up a vow of poverty in pursuit of spiritual enlightenment. Because its way easier to live life based upon morals if you dont worry about losing material wealth and give them up entirely.Because material wealth and social status are things that have always held value in societies throughout time and across the globe, even in the absence of capitalism and its easier to choose morality if you dont worry about where your next meal is coming from. And these principles come religions as differing as Buddhism and Christianity and the regions they originated and are historically practiced in.

[@GenerationNextNextNext]

@@elleofhearts8471 And even with religion, a church can only function through charitable donations provided by the government or outside wealth. The only way those within a religious area can "release" wealth is if someone on the outside is taking care of them, often by moving about immorally. The only time this didn't apply is when more people were tribal and lived off of the land. Survival was based off of what you personally hunted or gathered, and people saw the fruits of their own labor. Many monks lived this way. But then, someone had to put in the money to build the temples.

[@clantis]

This video had me LAUGHING with SCREAMS from the moment it started🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

[@lizmary8207]

thanks for making this short

[@TylasWater]

I'm here!!! Also, yes. Up was really that song.